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Keep waking up throughout the night, feeling distressed and remembering different things.
My poor mind feels like it doesn't know where to start, in trying to work through the flashbacks and emotions.

Yesterday night, I kept waking up and remembering my older siblings. Siblings I found terrifying when I was little. In my family, everyone was always trying to get their needs met. It felt like because you couldn't meet them by turning to those older than you, or our actual caregivers, then they would turn on those younger than them, who were vulnerable and easier to scare into submission.
Home felt like where my bullies resided.
I was particularly affected by how they mocked me and sneered at me. And how they spoke constantly of themselves: of all the horrible things they would do such as getting into fights and harming people who they felt wronged them. My brother in particular was grotesque with his details. I would feel so pained for the people he hurt. He seemed to feel it was something to brag about, as though it made him cool or masculine.
I thought it made him seem monstrous.
I didn't want to hear the stories. I already felt terrified and anxious from my mum and other siblings. Hearing these stories of wannabe-gangster type behaviour would push me into the brink. Just leave me alone, I wanted to say.
As I grew up, I assumed some sort of role of listener and comforter/advice giver even though I really felt so drained and traumatised. It felt like the only way to have some sort of control in the situation, to commandeer it into some way of normality.
I feel sick remembering this.
It's like being given no choice. Crossing a young child's boundaries so often, and then the child grows up to believe they should fawn over you and look after YOU.
I am so angry at this.
It sickens me so much.
The very people who hurt me, stressed me out, I was then growing up to placate them and listen to them and become more traumatised hearing their insane stories and being expected to be a dutiful audience?
Laugh when they expect you to laugh.
Call them cool and interesting when they expected that.
Give them comfort and advice and soothe them when they expected that.
It makes me think everyone in the family had their needs so poorly recognised and met, that they went about it in disorganised and nonsensical means of getting them met. Who turns to a young sibling, 8 years younger, to tell them their problems and insane stories of violence and hatred, in order to get kindness and care from this child?
It was all so topsy-turvy.
Mum was too self-centred to do any of that. Even if she wasn't, she didn't have the skills anyway. She didn't seem to think like an adult. She seemed distant and full of hatred herself.

What a mess. How do I untangle this sorry unprocessed messy chapter of my life and let it leave me be?
I can still feel the fear and confusion and anxiety and sadness and helplessness that I felt all those years ago, in the pit of my stomach.

I guess I will bring it to therapy this week. I have an appointment in 2 days time.
First, today, I have to get through a work shift starting soon.
I thought I'd post some of my thoughts on here before getting up, to try to release some of these heavy emotions that wrecked havoc on my sleep yesterday.

Thanks Papa Coco.
It's been a while since I checked in here.

Happy new year to all.

I'm hoping for a steadier 2024. My only wish for this year is to get further back in alignment with my real self.
I wish I could say I have made massive leaps and bounds in this aspect. I haven't. I feel more disconnected than ever.
I don't enjoy much these days. My false self has well and truly fully shattered. There's not really anything left of it. And with it, has gone all the false fragments of identity I'd pieced together that were mostly in the interests of placating others.
I don't care for that anymore. I thought it would be liberating. It isn't. It has just scraped away to leave the full nothing that was underneath it, the very nothing that I always tried to avoid.
It's desperately terrifying.
Today all I could do was cry and feel sad. Again and again, the waves washed over me.
What's next from here? Where will my soul end up?
Because I'm skeptical I can live a life like this.

I've just woken up from hectic dreams and feeling only half asleep. My heart is pounding and I feel so sick and anxious.
My dreams now are different. Today, in my dream, I was going through each family member and the type of personality issue each one has that makes them dangerous to me. I felt anxious as *, and felt the simultaneous pressure I grew up with to placate them and fawn over them and protect them from themselves, almost? If I didn't, it would be a dangerous void or something.
But I stood firm despite how I felt. And now I have woke up with the feeling of pounding in my chest and chest deep pit in my stomach. I am anxious and scared for the future.

It's been nearly 2 months since I last wrote in here.
I've been keeping afloat, somehow.

Papa coco, thank you - I resonated a lot with your message. It was so hard to adapt to the changing of seasons. To get used to the cold and dark mornings/evenings. Somehow it makes me feel vulnerable. I don't remember anyone caring about me being cold or scared or anxious about autumn and having to go to school in the Grey cold, sometimes without warm enough clothing. I don't remember getting tucked in under blankets or being given hot comforting drinks or hugs or anything of the sort.
I guess maybe that feeds into it.

I've been trying to do it for myself. Hot water bottle out all the time, got myself a new fluffy robe, and make myself lots of warm drinks.
Trying to learn new habits.

I've also been going to the gym the past few months. That's a habit I struggled to build my whole adult life and I finally cracked it, and now I go regularly and actually enjoy it. It helps immensely with dusting off the cobwebs, getting out excess anxious energy, dopamine hit post workout to ward off the depressive symptoms...and I've also been cooking myself more healthy meals. I lost a lot of the weight (finally) I gained over covid which has been really nice and good for my self esteem, especially now I can fit into the clothes I really like and the styles that make me feel most like 'me'. I had great shopping trip buying some lovely new clothes and make up..and may have spent a bit too much 

I have had some immense struggles, too. Sleep had been very bad. Lots of fast paced, emotive dreams. Living me exhausted and drained and scared and feeling dread.
I also had a little bit of a disappointing dating experience in September which for some reason made me feel a bit of hopelessness in other people.
We had had a really enjoyable few dates, then I noticed a bit less effort so I asked what his dating goals for the app were and to his credit, he was honest and said he didn't know what he wants and we agreed it was better for me, who is more certain in what my goals are, not to waste my time.
I know it shouldn't be a big deal but it has made me feel like trying is pointless and hopeless...for one thing, there are very few 'normal' single men around who aren't creepy/weird straight off the bat and then when I DO get along well with someone, and we are both in our 30s, even then it's a non-starter.
Dating apps are skewed representation in some way. It definitely attracts a higher percentage of avoidants for example. I don't want to begin any sort of dysfunctional relationship.
The hopelessness took over my optimism and energy and now I don't bother with the app. Will I ever actually meet a guy who is looking for the same things and shares my values and who I can enjoy myself with and who DOES know what he wants?
I feel so very doubtful.

Anyway...that's my updates from the past few months.
Guess I should also be grateful and congratulate myself on the good things I've kept up with but can't lie, my mood has been despondent.

I'm having such a tough week.
Constant triggers. Summer season and everyone has family gatherings, weddings...and I am spending a lot of time alone.
I spent 3 days crying.
The rest of the time this week I have walked around feeling my life isn't worth a damn thing.
I resent my friends for their busy lives: their full families, their friendships they've had since childhoods, the weddings they attend of people they have known for years. All of which I have missed out on due to CPTSD.
I am so angry and sad and lonely.
When will life ever get consistently better?
I have a night shift tonight and it's the last thing I feel like doing. But I need to earn money.
I wish somebody could help me. Make it all better.

I've had a lot on my mind recently.

In between working, and celebrating with my birthday - which was so amazing, and my friends really outdid themselves, which I'm so grateful for - I still feel like I am grieving.
There are so many mixed emotions that I am struggling with. Anger, regret, fear, anxiety. I realise now how much I have had to play catch up (and still am) after essentially living in flight or fight mode for most of my life. First at home, and then when I left, when dealing with the PTSD that I didn't know about back then, and living with the trauma of the past and what my family put me through. And on top of that, the constant financial threat looming over me - if I didn't have enough money, I'd be terrified I'd have to go back home. And I didn't get any help from family at all.
I've realised when you'e living in flight-or-fight mode, there is no room for you to be living as your self, or room for love, or joy, or openness. Your decision-making capacity is severely impaired and is mostly based on fear and scarcity.
I'm so angry I wasn't allowed to be have my own emotions, needs, sense of self, or to be able to make friends, and have experiences of loving myself enough to have any sort of self-worth. I really never believed I deserved to even be noticed, let alone for others to get to know, form friendships with.
Its so hard to play catch up. I've been working on this for the last few years having finally got myself out of financial survival mode in my 30's. Trying to suddenly have room and space and know how to even DO openness, joy, love is so difficult. I still feel quite depressed and anxious in between flashbacks and constant nightmares.
I've got a wedding to go to next week and I realised its the first one I've been to in years. I'm sad at that. That I hadn't been able to forge long-term friendships in my childhoods, enough for me to be invited to weddings. When I hear people say they have been invited to a wedding or see wedding pictures, I get so triggered. I feel so isolated and unworthy and undeserving.
I feel very undeserving to even feel like I can be entitled to any basic need.
I feel constantly scared that if I put one foot out of line, I will be abandoned, ostracised, shamed, humiliated.
A friend I had a few years ago cut me off after I couldn't hide my severe anxiety from her once. She stopped inviting me to things, stopped messaging me and didn't invite me to her wedding. This experience has left me terrified of exposing any of my needs that might put others out.
I'm so scared I can't do it. I can't catch up? Its too much. How do I heal and find self-worth, lasting community, continue my deep friendships and know they won't just be messed up and I get forgotten about at the switch of a hat?
And I feel envious of others. Others who take for granted: every weekend busy with others; their family, their long term friendships, weddings, parties, holidays, days out, a stern sense of self that isn't so patchy.
My weekends are getting more filled, but still at times, I am alone and I can't bear it anymore. I don't feel any kind of goodness from spending weekends alone. And sometimes I want to yell at well-meaning advice to go out for walks, on my bike, go to the park - 'stop rationalising my being alone! YOU'RE going home to your family, or your childhood home, or so-and-so's wedding who you've known for decades, or holidays in your family's holiday home with your school friends. Try spending MOST OF YOUR childhood so very emotionally and spiritually alone and then much of your adulthood in a different type of alone and spend YOUR weekends by yourself then come back and give advice.'
I hate it all.
I wish I was just like them. The ones who can say all these things are 'just normal parts of life' and not a big deal that requires work and effort to make happen, constantly.

Wow.

Just reading about this BPD patient shivers my spine. I had a sister, 11 years older than me who had BPD. She was nowhere near as severe as you describe here, and yet I know that she is responsible for at least 50% of the abuse that has given me my lifelong suicidal ideation. She became fixated on our littlest sister, and I believe she was responsible for my little sister's mysterious passing. Then, when I became the new youngest, she became fixated on me. I know for a fact that she was the reason for my last full-up suicide attempt. So I'm very sorry to hear your NPD became fixated on you. I'm very glad you are rid of him now. My family was NOT supportive, as your work team has been with each other. Mommy Dearest forced us all to "get along" with this monster. After 50 years of being unsupported, and immediately following my final suicide attempt, I quit the family altogether. It was a matter of life or death. I haven't spoken to anyone from my bloodline in 13 years now.

So I get it. I am very glad to hear that your team banded together, supported each other, sought support, and are working to ban this "monster" from ever returning to your facility. And as for the person you say almost quit her job...I get it. If I could hug her right now I would.  And you too.

I use the term monster because monsters can't be tamed. A "beast" is an animal of great strength that can be trained to pull a plow. We call our old heavy duty trucks and tractors "beasts." But monsters...monsters are unmanageable. A monster can't be predicted, trusted, or tamed. A monster attacks indiscriminately, randomly, viciously, and without conscience or reason. The only way to be safe from a monster is to cage it or leave it. I often described my elder sister as an alligator who would eat me alive if I got too close.

I'm happy to hear your alligator is gone for now, and I sincerely hope your organization is successful at permanently banning him from ever returning.

Your story is a good example of how much damage these sociopathic, narcissistic, psychopathic and Borderline PD monsters do to the good people who fall into their traps. Yeah. I see why we're all on this forum. These monsters curdle our blood and leave us with life-long trauma disorders.

Thank you for sharing about this person. Your experience is a great example of what many of us have endured to varying degrees, and why we are now so skittish and so hypervigilant and on edge all the time.

People who judge us and say that we just needed to try harder to get along with them have no idea what they're talking about. Too many Hollywood movies end with the bully becoming a good person in the end. That's not realistic. And any Anti Bullying campaigns that tell us to "stand up to our bullies" are so out of step with the reality around the fact that some bullies are monsters that cannot be stood up to by anyone. Sometimes, escape is the only option.

Anyone who feels bad that they had to estrange from a family, or a job, or a marriage with NPD in it, needs to NOT feel bad about leaving them. It is, all too often, the only real option.

I'm glad you survived him.

This is absolutely spot on. And I'm so very sorry you had to endure your older sister when you were so young and should have been protected. Little is said about sibling-to-sibling abuse. A lot of people seem to just file it away under 'oh big siblings can be like that', or 'young kids together have their own dynamics; youngest child or middle child syndrome etc etc. It is NOT simply that. Being young and having an older, bigger, more domineering and bully-like personality is TERRIFYING; your child brain doesn't register it is a nonchalant 'of she's just the bigger sister'. No, it is a very real threat to your emotional and physical wellbeing. I resonate with you a lot because I had 5 elder siblings; ranging from 3-10 years older than me, 4 of whom I found absolutely terrifying and who really confuscated in my head what it means to love and be loved. They were all much bigger and taller than me; and 3 of them thought of younger siblings as their little slave. They wanted to constantly talk about themselves and brag about their fighting, scamming, lying and treating others poorly and demanded to be revered and thought of as 'impressive'. They would constantly mock and bully me and do things like threaten me if i didn't go along with what they wanted that I didn't want to do, or to do their cleaning for them.
Its so confusing to be that young and have elder siblings who are monsters as you describe. On the one hand, you still have that child innocence of 'i want them to like me, they're my cooler elder siblings!' or that somehow you need to impress them...and when you have parents that are neglectful or abusive, you start to look towards THEM as guidance....I felt like I was constantly at a loss. Abusive elder siblings take full advantage of this deep need within younger children - they instinctively know they have the power. Its disgusting.
I realised how much it affected my own relationships in my teens when I thought I always had to 'impress' my crushes with how much I knew about THEIR interests and how willing I could be do whatever THEY wanted. I shudder looking back; how I wish I had known better.

I'm so glad for you, that you are away from ALL of your toxic monsters. I hope you are able to give yourself exquisite self-care and have warm, loving people around you now. I've just woken up at 4am as I slept very early evening yesterday, and it still amazes me at how even the smallest of self-care practices help; instead of waking up drenched in sweat and cowering under my covers as I did as a child; I made myself a cup of tea and lit a candle and feel so calm now. I wish the same for you; that you have all of the resources to be able to look after yourself as you deserve.

I'm so glad to see my observations are helpful for others on here too. Honestly, it really is incredibly eye-opening being around mentally unwell patients with personality disorders as an adult who isn't powerless, to show me just how damaging it is for children to have to grow around this.

The ward yesterday (first full day after the patient was discharged) was SO much better. I bought cakes in for the staff as a little treat for everyone after everything we had been through - people had been threatened, squared up against, emotionally manipulated and abused and blackmailed and threats with false accusations to scare them into submission - it was a LOT. For 4 whole weeks. The tension had lifted and though we have other troubled patients, no-one as troublesome as that particular patient. I was able to complete my work, I could chat and engage with others and not be have my heart pounding and nervous system activation constantly.
My consultant was very supportive and other staff members checked in with me often; they commented on how bad they felt as they said they noticed a huge change in my demeanour, and felt I was terrified until he left.
My friend from another specialty bought me coffee and a cake and we sat in th coffee shop just chatting, and she sent me some lovely messages of support. All my other friends have been very kind and sympathetic and I am able to go away to stay with a friend living in my previous city from tomorrow - very much looking forward to it! I have also booked in for a massage on Saturday and I'll be off work for a total of 5 days.
What a difference an adequate support system and being able to take care of yourself can make. Most of us on here had NONE of this growing up. It makes me think just how much compassion and empathy we deserve to give ourselves as we heal.

I've been able to sleep without dreams of the ward too! Hurrah!

I can honestly say I agree with the above post about these people being monster-like and the best way is to completely avoid them if you can - there is no working with them because it is all on their terms and the trouble is, their terms are informed by a very dark, twisted understanding of themselves and the world around them. You'll be serving them forever if you try to engage on their terms. My life is infinity less explosive without the daily chaos and turbulence when there are strict boundaries up against these people, to keep them at bay.
They will not feed on us, is my hope for all of us on here.

We had  a patient with borderline personality disorder who we have just been able to discharge, yesterday, though there was no clinical indication for him to be admitted under our specialty in the first place.
He has spent the past 4 weeks terrorising staff, other patients, and then became fixated on me. The Splitting was horrifying. He would go from demanding lots of attention, and trying to push it as far as possible with inappropriate, lewd comments, to despising me if I didn't respond to him and screaming obscenities at me. He had more daily chaotic episodes and outbursts requiring us to call the response team/police than any other patient. People I am working with who have done this job for 16 years said they have never been as affected by a patient as they have with him. He declared yesterday HE was in charge, not the senior doctor, and then started his outburst again.

My nervous system has been in overdrive over the last week. As soon as I see him, my heart starts pounding, my hands shaking, and my thoughts racing. When I sleep, I dream of the ward and all the shouting. The poor older ladies have been terrified and one said it has worsened her blood pressure and she is now thinking of quitting.

We all breathed a huge sigh of relief when he was discharged and left. Reports are that he is making threats to return, and I am dreading returning this morning and seeing him back there, the ward up in arms. Our consultant put in strict notes that this patient is not to be re-admitted, under any circumstances.

This has been such a huge eye-opener for how much more empowering it is as an adult when faced with dysfunctional people: you can choose not to engage in their taunting, you can walk away, you can request help. My whole team and I have supported each other through the process and last week, a few of us just had joined therapy with our on-site therapist and man, it makes me even more compassinate to what a lot of us on here had to go through. To witness this...a few weeks of constant stress and anxiety over a harmful person's behaviour to affect everyone else was challenging enough - and doing so with support and having agency....compared to surviving a childhood of constant nervous system activation ALONE. And here we all, trying our best. Writing about it, going to therapy, working on building new better patterns.....it makes me feel proud of us on this website. Its really not easy, at all.

Good to hear from you again Holidayay.

That's a powerful statement you make about how the calmer your life gets the more chaotic your mind becomes. I can relate. This might be one of those phenomena that makes so many people undermine or sabotage their own happiness.

In my own narcissistic family and religious upbringing, the most dangerous thing I could do was become successful or happy. My family and church would tear me down and "put me in my place" if I ever expressed any positive self-esteem. Therefore, my life has had many instances where I could have really succeeded at joy, but I "somehow" neurotically sabotaged my own happiness before it could flourish. I didn't understand the chaos, so I did what I had to do to calm it down.

The truth was the chaos was good. Happiness had "shaken my inner snow globe".  But whenever I'd make some negative move to calm the chaos by giving up the happiness, I'd call it "being comfortably uncomfortable" in the way things have always been. I assume it's partly why people who win lotteries or receive cash windfalls explode with joy, and then proceed to destroy their own lives with the money. It's too uncomfortable to finally be happy.

I wonder if your inner chaos, as uncomfortable as it feels, is a sign that some things are going your way now. I like what you say that your old life is fading further and further away. That's a positive forward motion. In my own world, that would cause some inner chaos for me. It's a bad feeling but maybe a good sign.

Someone once told me about the "tall poppy syndrome" where a farmer might have a field of poppies. Every poppy is the exact same height. But if one poppy grows taller than the rest, that farmer cuts it off so all the poppies remain at the same height. My family was like that with me. My siblings were allowed to be happy. But if I became happy, they cut me down. Today, I still have a lot of inner chaos if life gets too easy.

Cars were a big deal to us boys in the 1970s. When I got my first high paying job, the first thing I bought was an expensive car. I was 18 years old and finally scored my brand new Trans Am. I absolutely loved that car, but only 8 months into owning it I was so mentally screwed up by feeling like I didn't deserve it, that I traded it in for a tiny little economy car. Driving a car that felt I didn't deserve had me ashamed of myself and chaotically nervous. So I "cut myself back down to size" and traded it in for an underpowered, boring car instead. I didn't like the smaller car, but it calmed my nerves to not be the tall poppy anymore. I became comfortably uncomfortable in my boring car. No more inner chaos.

Today I see that inner chaos as a sign that things are going my way right now. My therapist has taught me to accept the chaos and let it be uncomfortable until the neuro pathways rewire so I don't have to cut myself back down to size. He refers to my Trans Am story often. He says "let's deal properly with the inner chaos so you don't have to 'sell the Trans Am' this time." He tells me to call him if it gets too uncomfortable so he can help me get through the chaos without having to resort to self-sabotage.

I can relate to this so much. Really moved by your message, and metaphors. Thank you. And reading it, I really felt for you, and your story of the Trans Am. You deserve to enjoy life and successes in a way that isn't dictated by the 'tall poppy syndrome'. Your therapist sounds great, I so hope that the discomfort transforms for you, and for all of us.
It resonated so much when you described feeling ashamed and chaotically uncomfortable when moving beyond the requirement to make ourselves small. I have felt this too. I remember buying a coat I really wanted, that I thought looked very sophisticated. It was a bit more expensive that what I was used to feeling deserving of, and i felt ashamed wearing it every time. And like everyone was thinking: 'who does she think she is?' and then this urge to take it off and appear scruffy, with less nice clothing. I still wore it a few times and then ended up selling it. There was almost a sigh of relief when I didn't have it anymore, so I didn't have to deal with the cognitive dissonance the chaos made me feel.
I'm learning to deal with this too. And I loved your analogy of the snow globe being shaken up and waiting for it to settle again - i think that describes the process perfectly!
I also find myself yearning to go to places I was when I was still living in uncomfortable transitions - not my childhood home, but places I lived in when i hadn't eve started healing yet and i didn't really have much insight. Though it was painful, there was some kind of simplicity to life as I knew it that I miss so much. I want to visit those places so bad, to re-capture some of those old feelings. My rational mind is telling me it won't feel like that anymore. But the nostalgia is so strong.

Feels like it's been a while since I've written in here.

Things have been going well, I think.
Its strange; sometimes the better and calmer things are going, the more chaotic my mind gets. I've been having extensive, detailed, vivid dreams consistently. Not recurring. Just very detailed plot-lines that are fast paced and intricate.
I'm not sure why. My gut is telling me its because I am processing a lot. My old life becomes further and further away, the longer I stick with healing. And in some ways, it is still perplexing.
How I used to have fun, how I used to experience 'reward system' in my brain, how I used to live constantly in cognitive dissonance and automatically feeling the other person is more important in any given situation...all of that is no longer my default psyche. Its freeing yet terrifying. To have to re-learn and get used to the new ways....
Actually, the more I heal, the more shocked I am at my old reality. How I was raised by a mum who essentially, a petulant, disturbed child. Who failed me in every way. Who knew about abuse happening to me, and never protected me. And was a staunch denier and gas-lighter when I broke free and spoke up. I don't feel anything towards her; no attachment at all now.
Weirdly, a patient at work who have a habit of sitting and observing approached me last week and said 'the girl who is attached to no-one. You know what I am talking about.'
I have no idea why he came to this conclusion. Or how. But its true. I don't. I don't feel anything towards my original assigned care-givers. I used to feel anxiety, guilt, shame and duty. Now I feel nothing.
I don't even know if I feel towards the people in my present life who are wonderful and who show me a true love and nurturance. I have moments where I do. And then, I don't know. Maybe I am still learning and adjusting. Maybe I'll never get there - that's what terrifies me. If I am too far gone. Too 'damaged'? I hate that word.  A patient used it to describe himself last week and I could see how wrong he was; how no-one is 'damaged goods' as he described himself. And yet, its harder to see for ourselves.

Why is life so unforgiving?
Everything feels so meaningless to me these days. Everyone is settled, and married, with roots and friendships and long term connections and whilst they were building all those things, all i remember doing is just trying to survive. It feels like a sick joke. Now that I have survived and want to join the pack, everyone else has already been there, done that. Long since settled and moved on beyond this stage of life. Their doors are closed and their journeys now different.
I feel like I've been left behind.
I'm struggling to understand the point of anything. Just a continuous hamster wheel ride with no destination.

I just slept  total of 5 hours with no dreams or scary feelings waking me up. It has been a while since I have rested like this! I feel cosy and warm instead of dysregulated and alone and depressed.

It has been a busy few weeks. I've had quite a lot of life admin to do - things like renewing my passport, sorting out household bills, booking in for a doctor's appointment and finally today after much procrastination, I crossed the last of my to-do list.

Other than that, I have been working quite a lot to try to save. Mostly to make sure I can give myself a real break from the risk of what i can financial flight-or-fight mode. Where expenses can suddenly shoot up for whatever reason, or I want to do something that may cost quite a bit of money - and then I end up going back living pay check to pay
check, which is incredibly stressful and anxiety-inducing, never mind if you add CPTSD on top of it. Especially with Spring coming and then the summertime where it will be really nice to be able to do lots of fun things with friends and not be too limited by money. That's my aim for this year, really. To have a bit more fun and new experiences. I love the summertime, I always feel able to be a bit happier during it.

I have also been mindful to keep up with friends more, even when I didn't necessarily feel like it and just wanted to self isolate...I saw my friend last weekend and though i did feel numb and dissociated some of the time, I tried to remember it is OK to still feel at odds, and not to panic. We did a little bike ride home and that was really fun, really freeing...it actually inspired me to buy a new bike! It will be delivered tomorrow afternoon, so I'm quite excited to add that to my life. I'll now be able to cycle to and from work as well, which will be much nicer than getting the bus and hopefully the exercise will be good, too. I'm still trying to lose the extra weight I put on whilst I was incredibly depressed and stressed. I've been good at walking to work which takes about 40 minutes, but I'm still eating quite a lot of bad food, which I'm in the process of slowly adopting to a better diet.
Baby steps. Sometimes I get so harsh with myself though and feel bad about the dinner I ate, or not making much more of an effort to eat less, or healthier...but I should be kind to myself. I'm trying, everyday, and I think its okay to say I'm doing pretty well in other areas of life, all things considered, and maybe its time to be gentle and kind and compassionate to myself instead of the years of harsh judgement and criticism I've lived under.
(That feels nice to even just type out for myself  )

I hope everyone else is doing well out there 

Thank you Armee, your kind words really help and are soothing for me 

Day 2 of being unwell was a bit better...I made sure to drink fluids often, and stayed cosy on the couch watching a show on Netflix called Next in Fashion, which got me hooked. Its really interesting to see the designs at the end of each episode and something light-hearted was much needed!

It did bring back some weird flashbacks. Feeling guilty and deserving of wantig/buying clothes for myself. My mum, for some reason, would never really bother to do that. Or sometimes, she would. She never bothered to buy us correct uniform or had clothes we wanted to wear day to day. We often looked unkempt, if I'm being honest. When I grew up and wanted to buy my own clothes, that made it a huge deal and to this day, my stomach swirls thinking about clothes. I felt guilty for wanting to spend money on them and for wanting to feel and look good and presentable. Like it made her feel bad and uncomfortable, and somehow...poor her. Whereas she was more comfortable seeing me dressed in clothes that weren't even the right size or shape or sometimes not even womenswear at all! My sisters and I suspected that she always hated seeing females looking good, for various reasons. She was oppressed herself and didn't bother with her appearance and had put on quite a lot of weight and it perhaps made he insecure to see women being confident and unapologetic about their neat presentation. It mad her lash out and call me horrible names if i wore what i wanted. I used to have to go shopping in secret and dreaded her finding them. I feel anxious and thinking about this...my heart would pound so hard when i did buy and bring home my own clothes. I'd feel a mix of panic and terror and GUILT. The guilt was awful, like i was the cause of her sadness and unhappiness with my own needs and wants and desires and sometimes i would even focus on NOT wanting anything and also try to be unhappy and miserable so maybe she could at least be happy too and then we could bond and it would make sense...
And it never did.

Because it is all nonsense. That's what children of these parents are dealing with and trying to make sense of - non-sense. This labouring under a completely fruitless and illogical parental dictatorship...just to win basic love and acceptance and safety and emotional nurturance. It makes me both angry and scared and lost, to be honest.

Its so hard to process yet more of this stuff. It still feels so raw. Or maybe it feels raw right now because I am vulnerable with my illness...but either way, it makes me so angry at what i toiled under, and for no meaningful cause. I'm angry at how much i miss out on: not the material things, but the emotional freedom to be myself, to feel worthy and deserving, including of normal everyday things like the other girls my age LIKE CLOTHES, and to have a parent who doesn't want to ruin my experience and enjoyment of life with constant guilt-trips, threats, degrading and belittling comments, and zero emotional safety.

I

I'm having a full day of self care today.
I caught a bug at work yesterday and became really unwell during my shift. I'm not sure exactly why it triggered some kind of deep emotional flashback, but I ended up running to hide in the office to cry. Maybe it got me panicked because when I was younger, if I was ill, my mum would get angry and put out and never look after me and I felt so alone with my illness and no-one there to look after me. I felt really scared and didn't know what to do yesterday. My colleagues were really nice and looked after me, took my temperature and insisted I go home.
When I got home, that awful abandonment feeling came on so strongly, I rang my friend and just cried. It was such an intense terror, I felt like the loneliest person in the world. I rang my friend's dad after, who stayed on the phone with me for ages until I felt sleepy. And this morning, I tried to look after myself, and do for myself what i guess my mum neglected from doing for me when i was young and sick...I had a hot bath, drank lots of water and made a healthy breakfast. I chopped garlic and mixed it with yoghurt, my mum used to say garlic has anti-inflammatory effects. Then I just put on some comfort tv, filled a hot water bottle and slept on the sofa, and my cat came to join me.

I'm a bit shaken up by it all. I don't know why something as ordinary as being ill with a virus sent me spiralling so much. So many of my friends have been ill recently and when they tell me they're stuck at home with a bug, it just sounds ordinary yet my nervous system goes into such overdrive when it happens to me. I can't believe how scared, alone and anxious I felt yesterday. I felt like I was the only person left on the planet, and there was only horror and despair everywhere. Maybe it was an emotional flashback to being chronically ignored and neglected or otherwise yelled at for being a burden and an inconvenience and somehow so inherently shameful. Its so scary.