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Messages - LittleBlueBird

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Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: No Leaders Please - Charles Bukowski
« on: January 22, 2020, 05:37:37 AM »
I really enjoyed that RR, thanks for sharing!

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Hi RR.

Just wanted to say I've read your post and it's very relatable. I guess our models for anger weren't healthy ones at all.

I was told that actually the root emotion of depression is anger, by a therapist last year. Im starting therapy again soon and intend to bring this up.

I usually take my anger out on myself. In the times I've tried hard not to do this, I've lashed out at others something terrible.

Just wanted you to know, you're not alone. Apologies for not having any better advice.

3
General Discussion / Re: Rumination
« on: November 15, 2019, 01:08:38 AM »
Dear slipping,

I'm very sorry to hear that these ex friends psychologically abused you. I can only hope that the damage they did will not linger, that you will be able to move on very quickly, be able to trust others (and learn that there are true friends out there who are not vindictive psychopaths), to not play into their narrative of feeling ashamed.

I don't know your situation but your post certainly triggered me as it sounds all too familiar. So please forgive me if my reaction seems a little strong. We are emotional beings, and it's not your fault (rather more likely a symptom of your PTSD, possibly from dealing with people who retraumatise you, especially if they are narcissistic enough to have studied your grief and previous trauma) if you had a strong, emotional reaction.

I hope that, if you need it, you can find the right medication, the right supportive social network and the right therapist to get you through this tough time.

Don't let the * get you down. You're worth millions more than them  :grouphug:

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I guess DBT would help here?

My inner critic comes out sometimes and she frightens me. I like the idea of making peace with her rather than being cross with myself every time.

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Thank you so much for sharing BH. I'll book mark this page and might not in down in my diary.

Recently I've been focusing on a theme "I am nobody's responsibility but my own". This is a really helpful theme for me as I grew up with virtually no sense of independence or individuality. Your post was really helpful :)

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Other / Re: The Healing Porch - Part 5
« on: July 24, 2019, 09:29:25 AM »
Thank you for sharing woodsgnome, that was beautiful.

I'm happy to see the porch is still in action. I'm brewing some apple and maple tea this morning, and wish I could extend the offer to you all.

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Hey Tee, I dont have any real words of wisdom but wanted to wish you all the best for the interview. I've found the best way to conduct myself during an interview is be smart and confident. I found that visualising I already had been given the job helped with that. Good luck!

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Introductory Post / Re: Hi all, new today.
« on: July 22, 2019, 08:20:15 PM »
Hi Oz,

I hope you feel welcome here. You aren't alone in these difficulties and I hope that joining the forum will help you continue to grow and reach out to others.

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Friends / Re: Saying goodbye
« on: July 22, 2019, 08:18:23 PM »
 :hug: thank you Tee and 3R :hug:

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Friends / Saying goodbye
« on: July 22, 2019, 08:19:13 AM »
I had a friend who I had a really complicated relationship with from a young age. We met up a bit last year and I struggled a lot to maintain any sense of autonomy - she would suggest things, I would do them, I found her manipulative and emotionally controlling.

I kept going with the friendship, trying really hard to overlook the things I picked up as negatives. I kept overlooking and forgiving her because to be honest, that's my nature.

But things got way out of hand. I tried to get distance between us but it just wasn't working, until I had to tell her I was at breaking point.

Now I know she would have perceived things differently from me. I know she has her own struggles to deal with and yes, she also went through a lot growing up.

My problem is that I think of her almost every day and regret the way things went. When we were still in contact I struggled because I regretted the way things were and just wanted them to be different. But nothing would change because I couldnt really explain how I felt she was taking advantage of me when I was really ill, confused and depressed.

Did I do the right thing? It's constantly playing on my mind. I hate that I have cut her off because that was something she was afraid of. Very complex situation...

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Recovery Journals / Re: LBB's Recovery Journal
« on: July 20, 2019, 01:23:19 AM »
Well I've had a really good day and start to my long weekend. I managed to get to a yoga meditation session in the city and meet some new people. I managed 16,000 steps which is amazing for me, as someone who periodically sufferes with agoraphobia. Just sitting in the cafe after group, chatting, felt a bit surreal. Maybe I dissociated a little but I think it helped.

I did feel guilty that I was late to pick up my daughter. I struggle sometimes to find a family/friend balance. The kiddo didn't seem to mind though.

Meditating regularly has really helped with these negative thoughts, just to observe them and then deal logucally and appropriately.

Had a nice time with friends this evening too, although maybe wasn't my usual self. Perhaps just a little bit tired.

Someone mentioned recovery doesn't have to be perfect and that felt like a relief of a realisation. Negative self talk is under control (although my spending, after shopping today... :/)

Woke up to thunder and lightning which sounds pretty :)

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Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: July 19, 2019, 12:17:32 PM »
Hi Blueberry, I really like the idea behind your journal. I might make mine an action focussed journal too.

Well done for getting that email sent.

13
Employment / Therapy and shift work
« on: July 18, 2019, 07:22:02 AM »
Every time I see a mental health professional or talk to my GP, I'm recommended therapy. I have had a certain reluctance so far to take it up, and even though I found a great therapist earlier on this year who I really clicked with, I had to quit because of work commitments.

I currently work shifts. Anyone else in the UK have any advice about accessing therapy around shift work? Maybe I should email my therapist and ask her..?

14
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: Nothing has helped
« on: July 18, 2019, 07:18:50 AM »
Hi Eyessoblue,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I can completely relate, having felt that despair before too. I'm here for a chat if you need me, happy to be pmed. Also in the UK and I know it can be tough accessing therapists here.

Best of luck to you..

15
Recovery Journals / LBB's Recovery Journal
« on: July 18, 2019, 07:14:17 AM »
Keeping a recovery journal seems to work well for others here, so I will give it a shot. I've just started over with a new job and new home, developed some new strong friendships and have a new set of attitudes. I've got to try very hard to keep my head above water and prepare myself for when the going will get tougher. So I'm working on building a strong foundation for those times. I'm thinking of this building as fortifying myself.

So my focus should be to:

* Keep my job, even if I find it difficult or challenging

* Keep up with friends even on the days I feel worn down. Acknowledge that I'm needed by other people and I shouldn't only be around when it suits me

* Sleep less in the day (power naps are okay but anything longer than 30 mins isn't good)

* Eat well - healthily and how I mean to eat for the rest of my life. Not snacking on unhealthy food or binging because others are or I'm having a low, not skipping meals because I can't be bothered to cook or wash up or don't feel hungry

* Keep up with my yoga practice, and meditate at least 3 minutes every day

* Not over spend when I feel like there's enough in the bank to treat myself/others, but save for a rainy day

* Keep self care a priority and not neglect myself if I feel like I don't deserve that care, or like it won't make a difference if I don't look after myself

That should do for now...

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