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Hi KittyLover

I can tell you now that even if those with degrees say that repressed memories are not a thing, they are wrong.  CSA was a huge role in my life, in fact for 14 1/2 years.  Up until recently I couldn't remember anything before the age of 10.  Over the last couple years I have started to remember things that were done to me little by little.  The things that I blocked out for so many years is coming back to me and it is SO painful.  My T says that even though I do not have multiple personalities, I stored all that abuse in a part of my mind and then locked it.  Now for some reason that key has been found and all the memories are slowly being released from the vault.  My T also says that the things that I remember NO ONE could ever make up something that horrible.  Your "memories" are more than likely real and it is going to take a lot of time to come to terms with it.  I hope that you find someone to help you through this and that you have a great support system.

  I feel like that I am not getting very far in therapy. Now, that being said I will obviously explain.  I have been dealing with being flooded by flashbacks for the last several months.  I get them at any time of day, in any location and no matter what I do I cannot seem to slow them down or make them stop.  My therapist says that this is normal and that it is part of the process.  I understand that, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to sort stuff out.  I am not slamming my therapist at all, I love her and she understands me so much.  She understands me better than anyone else does.  I guess what is bothering me is that I feel like I am stuck in one spot in therapy, and honestly I am sure I am getting somewhere it is just so much and so difficult.  I know that I am getting somewhere, it is just going so slow.  It is 14 years of abuse that I am trying to come to terms with and work through.  That is a lot to work through.  Anyways, I am just rambling, not real point to this post. Guess I just wanted to be heard

Honestly, I think one of the most difficult things that I hears out of my therapists mouth was when she said she has been working with abuse victims for almost 20 years and I am the second most difficult/worse case that she has had.  That made me realize how bad things were growing up.  I had a hard time digesting that one, it made me feel so broken, even though I know that is not what she meant. I asked her why she said that and she said it was so that I would  understand that what I went through was not mild.

I understand that it is going to take years to work through the things I need to work through, I mean I have 14 years of abuse to try to cope with.  I am never one to tell people that I have been through is worse than someone elses experience.  I had someone the other day though tell me that I act like I am better than everyone else because I use my abuse as a leverage to get attention. How?  I never talk about it with people (other than my therapist and 2 super duper close friends).  How is it possible to be proud of what I went through and then use it for attention. I had a therapist YEARS ago tell me that what I went through was not that bad and that I asked for everything that I got.  Had I been an adult when that happened I would have gotten her fired or something, but I was a minor and could do nothing.  I was in therapy that was court ordered to my parents following an investigation from child protective services.   After that visit I stopped going and of course I got my parents in trouble for that but at the time I didn't care. 

I have done the writing thing, because that is the way that I have always gotten my emotions out. I do more than let her read little bits of my journal, I let her read everything that I write. I have different journals though, I have one journal in specific that I use just for abuse type topics.  I let her read everything in there and usually stuff in other journals too, there isn't anything that I really hide from her, I have been seeing her for almost 9 years now.  I had seen multiple therapists before her and none of them helped me at all.  None of them specialized in abuse related trauma.

This is going on three weeks now of feeling like this and I am just at a lose on what to do.  I have a therapist, which I see weekly, but the problem is that I have gotten so good at putting on my face every morning that even when I see her I have troubles taking it off.  Things in my head are so much worse than I show them to be.  I don't know why I do this when I am around her but I do.  I feel like if I show how I am really doing then I will be seen as a drama queen or as weak.  Growing up my, the very few times that I tried to tell my mom what was going on, she would tell me to stop trying to get attention.  She said that it was a very cruel thing to joke about, I WASN'T JOKING!  I just wanted someone to listen, to believe me, and since they didn't  then why bother trying to tell them more times.  All that I learned was that I would not be believed if I tried to tell anyone.

I am still struggling a lot, and I can't seem to get out of this funk.

I kind of understand where you are coming from.  I have no problem feeling anger but I have troubles feeling anger towards the right people.  I would so much rather be angry at myself for what happened to me, than be mad at those that abused me.  For some reason I would much rather be mad at myself for letting what happened to me happen, than to be mad at my brothers for hurting me and steal my innocence.  I am not sure why this is the way it is but I know that it stinks.  I guess it is easier to blame myself for letting me down than to think that not only did all three brothers, but so did my parents.  They (brothers) were the ones that caused all this pain, and they (my parents) ignored what was going on.  So I guess that even though I was a child I thought that somehow I should have stopped what was going on.

Now, realistically I understand that none of it was my fault, that I was too young to prevent or understand any of it.  Trying to tell myelf that though and actually believing it is a whole other story.  With any type of abuse, the brain is not hardwired like the brains of those who have not.  No two minds are alike so even though anger may be a response most feel in an abuse situation, that does not mean that if another person reacts another way that it is wrong.  We are all entitled to our reactions and emotions and even though it is not the norm, it is okay. 

I hope that this helps a little, even though I know that my situation is not the same as yours. sending massive 

I keep trying to get out of this funk, to feel better.  No matter how hard I try though I feel like I am fighting a battle that I cannot seem to win.  Tomorrow will be two weeks since I started to feel this bad.  I cannot seem to get my head on right or even begin to slow things down long enough to try to make any progress. Things in my head are going 100 mph in 90 different directions.  Each time I think that I am getting anywhere something comes along and knocks me on my butt again.  I cannot get the thoughts to slow down long enough to try to focus on one thing to try to figure it out.

I feel like I have no one who understands, that I can sit face to face with and talk to and feel the emotion, the care.  But then I remember that I don't know anyone in person that has been through anything remotely close to what I have been. And even still, not like I go around telling people about my past.  I just don't know what to do, but I feel like things just keep getting worse and that my mind keeps slipping into darker places.

Anyways, thanks for reading my crap

So as some of you may have seen in other locations on this forum, I have REALLY been struggling lately.  I thought that I had one friend that I could rely on, but now that some things have happened I am not sure where to go or what to do about it.  It all seemed to start to crumble last Tuesday, and I was hanging out with my friend.  After my therapy session my head was in a really bad spot and I couldn't get out of it.  It has been as if I am just trapped inside my mind and I can't get myself to go elsewhere. Well I got super depressed that night and my friend thought that I was suicidal, and let me tell you straight up I WAS NOT.  She took it upon herself to stay up all night to keep an eye on me, and though I appreciated it, it was not necessary to do so.  Getting up the next morning she was still super terrified for me still. Yes my head was still in a very bad place but I was in no danger of killing myself.  She was suppose to go somewhere with me but she thought that us being in the car together for the drive was not a good idea.  So she told me to take her car and just drive myself.  I was livid that she thought I was a danger to myself and still let me get behind the wheel of a car and drive alone.  I was at that point a danger to myself (wanted to hurt, NOT die), and I thought that it was an unwise choice for her to make, because at that very moment I was not in any right mind to think if I should be driving or not. The next day she said she thought I was mad at her and I said no, not mad, hurt.  Her response was "Well, it's okay cuz you hurt me too".  I made the choice then to give the two of us space so I can work on myself.

Yesterday morning I get a call from my Therapist asking me if I was ok, because that friend called her at 1:30am and told her that I was trying to kill myself ( I WASN'T).  I am still very angry and upset and  feel betrayed\ because I feel like she crossed a line.  My husband was home with me, he knew what mental state have been in (yes still am) and he was wise enough to not leave me alone.  When she called my T I was ASLEEP!  Getting a call from my T was a huge shock and because of it I am on kind of a watch of sorts.  She keeps checking in on me and if I do not respond she is going to call my husband.

The point of this long post (sorry) is to get advice on what my friend did.   As I said I feel very betrayed, she took my pain and struggles and made it about her.  I am just trying to figure out if I am just in my reaction, or if I am just looking at it wrong.  I would like other points of view
Thanks For Listening (reading)

Okay, so I have been in a really dark place since Tuesday, and I cannot get myself out of it.  I am not sure what to do anymore and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to do anything right. I feel like all I do is hurt those around me, and piss them off.  Even when I think that I am helping someone I am really just giving them useless advise.  I feel like I am just better off shut off from people and stay in my own little world.  It feels like every time I get close to people they just end up sick of me, annoyed with me.  Maybe I am just not meant to have friends or be close to people. 

Not sure if this is where this belongs:

I have never really trusted people because of my past.  I have only had a couple of close friends, but like everyone else they are gone now.  There are very valid reasons as to why they are gone and of course it is due to my choices, well I guess. There are two that I can think of. One of them has three kids now and we were fairly close until about three years ago.  She got herself into drugs and lost custody of the two kids she had at the time (my godson and goddaughter).  I had my daughter to take care of and I did not want the drugs, the shady people around her.  I had told her several times that she needed to clean up her act, but she wouldn't.  I had to cut ties so that I could protect my daughter.  She claims to be clean now and had another kid (all three kids have different dads). The second person I have not spoken to in almost 7 years.  She was very self absorbed and had to be the center of attention all the time.  The reason I cut her off is because on my 21st birthday she held me down while her boyfriend raped me. The pain is still so strong when I think about it. 

Well, now I have one friend that also has a PD and she is not always the easiest to be around.  She has suicidal tendencies and I have tried to be there for her.  Well, after all the times I came running when she needed me the tables turned.  I really needed her yesterday, and she said she is not what I need.  I feel like she shut a door on my face and walked away.  I am not sure what the * happened and why she just left all the sudden.  All I wanted was to know that I have a friend, and I feel like that was taken out from under me.  I feel like I am a conditional friend, she is only there if she needs my help, and then she is done with me. 

Now, I understand that my current state of mind could distort what I am seeing and what I believe, but I am not sure what to do about it or how to respond to it.  I honestly am kind of mad at her but I am not sure if my anger is valid.  I am not sure if I am justified to feel the way that I do or if I am just like usual screwing things up.  I am not sure what to say to her, or how to even bring up the fact that I feel like she abandoned me in my time of need, when I have been there every time she said she needed me.  Is it wrong for me to feel this way?  Should I say something to her or just let it go?

KayFly, I have troubles showing myself concern and compassion.  I have always struggled with that part, even though people have told me otherwise several times.  I have not gotten a chance to get the book yet, I am awaiting the funds to do so.  I did ask my therapist about it though and she said that she thinks that it is a good idea for me to read.  I appreciate the recommendation,  and as soon as I can I will obtain a copy.  At this point I am so desperate that I am willing to try almost anything. 

I am so depressed right now in life that I am seriously having problems.  I cannot seem to get out of my head long enough to try to sort anything out.  Although, even if I could try to figure things out I am not sure that I would be able to do too much because I am really good at putting myself down.  I have troubles giving myself any credit for anything.  No matter how well I do something, or how hard I try at something it is not enough for me.   I tend to set unrealistic expectations for myself and then beat myself up worse when I don't achieve it.  I know, I am stupid.

Dutch Uncle-I am very comfortable with my therapist, I have been seeing her for eight years now.  She has seen me through a lot.  My grandma (moms mom) passed away in March of 2012, then my mom passed away unexpectedly on November 21st, 2013, and then grandpa (moms dad) passed away in December of 2014.  That is a lot of loss to go through in a short period of time.  My mom was only 55, she was all the sudden just gone.  My therapist is the only reason that I got through loosing mom, otherwise I would have shut down.  Now, I understand that even though my mom and I were super close and that I have anger towards her for letting what my brothers were doing to me continue, I still was not ready to loose her.  Mom and I started working some things out right before she passed and so now I am left with unfinished business. (Sorry, that was rambling and had nothing to do with what you said to me)

Yesterday was absolutely one of those days that had I shut the world out things would have gotten worse.  I tend to jump into a downward spiral of self hate and blame.  Yesterday, and even today are no different.  I am still in a very bad place emotionally and am struggling moment by moment to get by. I am lucky to have such a caring and understanding husband that just wants to be here to support me.  He understands that there really isn't anything that he can do to help other than listen when I need to talk and be a shoulder to cry on.  He is the core strength in the family right now.

I have rambled enough. Thanks for listening (reading) my word vomit.

Dutch Uncle, you asked what happens when I give into the need to shut people out and curl into a ball.  Honestly it depends on where my head is that day.  There are times when it is just what I need and it helps, other times it just deepens the spiral of chaos and makes things worse.  I can get lost in some of the darkest places in my head at times that it even scares me.  Yesterday and today have been some of the darkest places in a while.  I feel like my head is so full of chaos that it is only a matter of time before it explodes. It is like the pressure just builds and builds until there is nowhere for it to go other than out.

KayFly, You are correct when you said that it seems like my mind is in a downward spiral and I feel like it is me against the world.  I have spent pretty much my entire life believing this, and was never given a reason to believe otherwise.  Where was everyone to protect me when I was being sexually abused and raped on a daily basis? Where were people when I needed to talk, to be believed?  Where was the world when I tried to find justice and all I found was myself forcefully admitted to the psych ward in a hospital at the age of 15?  I mean, I have had to fight this all on my own.  It seems like the harder I fought the world, the harder it fought back.  I have never felt like I am meant to fit in anywhere anymore.    Depression has taken a hold of me and I can't seem to dig my way out.

Today I went to see my therapist (who I have been seeing for close to 8 years) and for the first time in a really long time she is VERY concerned about me and what is currently going on.  The look that she gave me was one that spoke volumes, she is afraid for me. I love my therapist, she is the first one that I have had that actually seems to care.  I have had many over the years and none of them seemed to actually give a damn about me.  Honestly I am not sure what she was thinking, but given the discussion I am sure that it may be better that I didn't know. I do not know how to put into words the things that I am thinking, and even if I did, I am sure they would get me in trouble.

I am having a really really rough time today.  I feel like all I want to do is shut everyone out and not let anyone close to me.  All my life I have felt like everyone that I get close to is just gonna up and leave me one day.  I open up to very few people and when I do it is only a small portion of what is going on in my life and in my head.  I try not to even burden other people with what I am going through. This fear of abandonment has been proven to be right.  The few people that I have opened up to have indeed ended up abandoning me in the long run.  I feel like I can trust no one.

Well today, I feel like I am doing everything wrong and that all I do it hurt the people I get close to.  I seem to always do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing.  No matter how hard I try to please people it is never good enough.  I wonder at times why do I even bother letting anyone in anymore, seeing that no one sticks around.  I have always been one to give people the benefit of the doubt, and it usually ends up bitting me in the * in the long run.Even when I think that "this time will be different".  It is never different, and it it never will be.  All people want to do is hurt me, take advantage of me.  Again, this is something that I know is not logically the truth but try tell that to my head and my heart.  What if all I am meant to do is be a fly on a wall that knows everyone elses  businesss but I am not allowed to share mine without warning.   

Thanks woodsgnome, I love that imagery.  My abusers to this day do not see that they did anything wrong.  For me that is not a shock, because they saw nothing wrong with what they did years ago in the midst of the abuse.  I still have troubles stomaching what happened to me and who did it.  I mean I understand that it has been years since the abuse ended, but for me for some reason I feel like it is still going on.  I am sure the flashbacks are not helping any.  I have them all the time and I feel like every time that it happens I am going through it all over again at that very moment.  I feel like no matter how much progress I make, I have a flashback and then I feel like all the progress I made meant nothing. 

When I was around 13 I had my first ever Panic attack.  I was at a skating rink with my local church youth group ( haven't attended that church in YEARS), and while I was skating for some reason I started thinking about my past and I freaked out.  I couldn't catch my breath and I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest at any moment.  I got so dizzy and so pale that they ended up calling an ambulance on me.  On the way to the hospital they had an oxygen mask on me, and kept telling me that I had to calm down.  Well, I was in a vehicle with two men that I didn't know so that didn't help.  Logically I understood that they were not going to hurt me, and that they were there to help, but my head wouldn't slow down or calm down.  The panic attack got worse and worse until I thought I was going to pass out.  Finally arriving at the hospital they gave me a shot in my arm and I fell asleep.  When I woke up my dad was there and boy was he pissed. He said that I was making it all up and just trying to get attention.  After several hours, and tons of tests to make sure nothing else was going on they released me.  The whole was home he yelled at me, belittled me.

Due to the severe sexual abuse that I endured for 14+ years I have these panic attacks all the time.  Thinking about my past sets them off, or seeing someone that looks like one of my abusers, or hearing someone talk that sounds like one of them. I feel so stupid that this happens and I feel like I should be able to control it, but I can't.  I can't even drive by places that remind me of them, because I freak out.  When I am in the middle of a panic attack nothing else exists.  I feel like I am back to being younger and I am going through the abuse all over again.  I am on medication to help ease them when they happen (actually 2 things, one stronger than the other in case the more mild one doesn't work).Sometimes even after I take both meds I still have troubles calming down and have to resort to taking my night meds in the middle of the day just to knock myself out.  There are times where literally nothing else works other than making myself go to sleep.

What is wrong with me?