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I can relate to that feeling that the world falls apart as we try and get some healing done. I have started to tackle some root causes with EMDR and work is very hard, life is hard, relating to others or being in crowds VERY hard!

How do you cope?
Thank you

update a month later.
I'm feeling very depressed.  I took some time off to do a personal project which was great, and now I am back in the office with the same end, "you're on the to do list" and "it's my fault" says the boss... but no action... Meanwhile there are young people filling my position while I'm being micromanaged and demeaned by other coworkers. I keep saying I want to quit, and then revoking it because I don't want to fail. UHH! I'll move on to a different job for the summer, but as I'm trying to stay in until May, I'm afraid that the young people have no respect for me and my knowledge due to the dynamic created by managers. 

I have my therapist tomorrow who refers to this job as "torture", and I'm so depressed (which usually is never this bad) that I don't want to get out of bed... but i do, and I ride my stationary bike, and work out before I go in, trying to change my attitude, but it's not working. two more months, I may just have to vent for two more months so that I don't break a work record... But I do feel like a failure.

And I have applied for other jobs, but not heard anything yet.  Working on solutions
Thank you

Thanks for the awesome replies!
I'm grateful for the fact that I am in a position to discuss issues with my boss and work them out. They took some responsibility, and of course, I took my responsibility too. We are both working on being more aware of our reactions and come up with solutions to be able to work together.

I appreciate all of the support here, and I understand that when triggered, my perspective is messed up. I'm pretty determined to get through this year without quitting, even though some days may feel pretty terrible. I have to keep in mind that everyone is trying!

Thanks again!!

So I woke up pretty positive - went to work and chatted with my coworker - all positive.
My boss shows up and we have a never ending cycle that ends with me getting triggered and running away.

I am in a dead end job - that I thought I could like. I have no job description, no role, complete ambiguity. I spend more time complaining that I need a role, need some direction and a purpose and am told that I am on the To Do list but nothing ever changes.

When I try and engage, I am told not to answer with my own thoughts, but instead coached on how I "should" respond. I start to feel crossed boundaries, and the room goes quiet because all of this always happens with other people in the room and now I'm the source of negativity, even though I just want to collaborate with others. I keep running away from the situation because for 2 and a half years I have made suggestions and cut off before I can finish talking, telling me "don't try and sell me" - I am holding on to all of the projects I tried to help get off the list - and I feel that my efforts are sabotaged and then I'm replaced with someone else who never gets the same responses as I do...

I feel like this is an impossible situation - even though I really want to overcome it, but the conversation feels like a never ending cycle that will never change.

I am drained, i have nightmares about this place, I'm hurt because I don't feel like a valued player, and that somehow I have become a scapegoat - much like I was in my family. If I try and bring joy - it's stifled - If I try and express myself as an adult - it's stifled or censored or i'm told how to behave. I had an emotional flashback today while trying to once again approach this problem with my boss and it reminded me of my family. DAMMIT!

Is it me or them, I don't know how to fix it! I want to heal from this - not quit and give up but it feels impossible

Thank you Three Roses
I did read the guidelines. 

Over/undersharing  - I was referring to some habits that we end up with when struggling with CPTSD. I have read about it on Reddit I think.  Just a general statement. And thank you for the (trigger warning) reminder.

Thanks again!

 

Thank you for reading that. I read it through and thought, "that isn't even all of it"...
I know we all have pretty difficult items in our past and that's why we are here.
I have some questions for folks but I'm not sure if they should go here or in another post.

I was reading about oversharing/undersharing - and wondering how that affects people (I saw something about the need to tell the truth all the time or confess...)

secondly the imposter syndrome - is also curious ...

would people suggest starting new threads about these topics?

Thanks again for your time and support!

Thank you so much for all of the amazing stories and for creating this forum! 
I will start by apologizing this may be a bit long - but very cathartic

I am coming to terms with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in my life.  I have an uNPD mother and I believe uNPD sister.  I believe my sister still wishes that I was never born, and my mother was quite unfit as her mother committed suicide the year after my sister was born.

I grew up in a middle class home, in a fairly nice neighborhood with twin brother and two older siblings. At six months old I had encephalitis from a vaccine, and from my understanding I was catatonic for some weeks. My mother tells me that she "couldn't handle it" and handed me off to my enabling father.  By three years old, I had asthma and have been told that I was punching a hole in the front door. At six, my twin brother and I were banging on the parents' bedroom door begging them to get a divorce as the fighting (not physical violence) was overwhelming.  At seven I was inappropriately touched by a physician as my mother thought I had thyroid cancer, and when I asked about it she said, " he was just doing his job." From the time I was three years old to about I had severe asthma that meant whenever we went on vacation, I ruined it and sent us to the emergency room. 

I was not allowed out after dark because of the asthma and that I was a girl....  My mother loved my long blond hair as she was dark and olive complected.  She kept it long until she was tired of brushing it and I was never allowed to have long hair again until high school. I was very pretty and I used to sing all the time, and could play the piano by ear, and my family told me to shut up, so I did.  I kept up with the boys because clearly they had it better, so I played sports, and wished I was a boy.  I was told that I was not "feminine" enough  through millions of mixed messages. By high school, I had medium grades, but was president of the anti-drug group and on a national speakers bureau as a result of my older brother's drug problems. I had many jobs, and grades suffered as I did my best to find what would please my mother - and she would direct me to live as she wished me to live, only with career options that she could imagine herself doing. One of my first relationships was with a difficult boy in college and after that when I found a lovely young man, my parents threatened to disown me as he tried his best to lure me away from their toxicity, but they won. So I married under pressure the freakiest guy I could find, and reveled in how much they hated it.

My mother always called my friends by their name: "That so and so"

After college I experimented with drugs, and with my husband managed to move across the country. He was a nice person actually but lied to me and I left him. I moved further away from my family of origin, made myself a powerful name, dyed my hair pink and started to work.  I made progress on the onion of issues and strides in my life, I was strong, and successful where i wanted to be successful - but I wanted more so I moved again. Met a Narcissist, moved overseas, went no contact with my family until the hoovering lie that shook my skin. As i left the narcissist some of my worst nightmares came true.   I did survive, however, and met an alcoholic who helped me have some more success that I am proud of. I left him when he was diagnosed with cancer. (I still feel bad about that).

Finally the piece de resistance, I met another man, gorgeous, fit, and annoying, but I didn't pay attention to that. We married two years later, and he immediately became psychologically, physically and sexually abusive.  I did get pregnant too, and had to have an abortion due to my condition (which I am actually grateful for). He yelled at me in public on the bus the whole way to the clinic. He was so abusive, I had a student of mine pick me up and care for me in the first 24 hours. I had no family to talk with, no support other than my computer student and some friends.

I got a job that traveled that would help me escape the man, and i was to start after my hysterectomy. My parents came and my husband fought with my parents and came uninvited (of course no one should have been invited).  I had to have security remove my husband from the hospital. When I was released, my mother was to take me back home and care for me. She demanded that I leave immediately so she could see her grandchildren at the cottage. That meant a 14 hour flight, one small night of sleep and a four hour drive north. When we arrived, I was sobbing and could not get out of the car. My mother told me I was sick and she would set up an appointment with a psychiatrist who subsequently told me to return to my husband.

I took that travel job, but saw my husband on his best behavior for months as he visited me where I was. Eventually I got him a job too. That was the biggest mistake of my life. once he made his way into the job he physically abused me the morning before my first day on a special assignment. To try and shorten this long diatribe of pain, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and two more episodes of physical abuse and I called the police on my husband in my home town.  My mother is ok. And my husband went with my best friend and got her pregnant and I didn't get a call for work for 10 months because she was my dispatcher. I moved once my mother was ok, and started a business and went back to school for my MBA. I went with a man who was an addict, because I thought he would help me escape my family. Two years later my father was diagnosed with ALS. For five years he declined. I had my life on hold. I moved back fairly close and took a minimum wage job to be near him during his last years. As soon as he died my mother became rageful, and could not get rid of everything that reminded her of him fast enough.

it's been 16 months since dad died. I can barely work, barely trust my co-workers, or anyone, I have one friend here, and I am really suffering. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, and I am hoping I can start some emdr as now I know the roots and although I get triggered almost every day and I don't know who I am anymore, I am still here. and I am inspired by those of you who are still here too.

Thank you for your valuable time and minds.