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Messages - gcj07a

#1
Family / Reconciliation with Sis
March 13, 2024, 11:00:30 PM
Hey everyone. It has been awhile, but I am back. So thankful for this community.

Back in early December, my sister reached out to let me know that she was divorcing my narcissist BIL. She disclosed the PA and EA she experienced at his hands and, among other things, explained that he had dictated or controlled all of her communication with me over the last few years. She expressed that, with the help of a good T, she had finally managed to see that she was being abused. She knew she had to get out.

At first I was skeptical regarding her communication with me, but time has borne out that she was telling me at least some of the truth (for more on my fun history with Sis, read this). She apologized profusely and has sought to make amends. We have been able to spend some time with her and her kids while at my F's house, and those visits were great.

On the flip side, she has gotten even closer to our undiagnosed BPD mother, the one who abused me my whole childhood, including PA, EA, and SA. I have disclosed all of this to my sis. Previously she just denied that I was telling the truth, but now she admits the EA and the PA (which she also says she experienced) and admits the possibility of the SA. We had another interesting chat yesterday. Would love your thoughts:

Here is my summary of that chat:

1) She apologized for, at Christmas, delivering presents from M for my kids. She reiterated that she did not want to hurt me. She doesn't understand what I am going through, but she respects it.

*********I asked her if she reported my sexual abuse allegations to M**********

2) She said that she did tell M about them. M has racked her brain and cannot recall any such incident.  :doh:

3) She said that she wasn't disbelieving me; she just has no way of knowing for sure.

4) She floated (again) the idea that the abuser may block out committing the abuse.

5) She said that M has been to A LOT of therapy and has admitted to being molested by my Grandpa (her father--this is the first time she has admitted this, though we have long suspected it), though she is still quite hesitant to call it abuse.

********I asked if M would be willing to sit in a therapy session with me and my therapist*******

6) She said that M would be willing to do that at the drop of a hat.

7) She offered herself as a mediator between me and Mom.  :doh:

8) She suggested that if I couldn't be around M, then maybe DW and the kids could.  :no:

*******I mentioned that the NC had been driven in part by her mistreatment of my girls*********

9) She said that M had done the same to her kids, but she had intervened and they had had good talks and established good boundaries.

10) She reminded me that M had been her abuser as well, especially during her teenage years. And while it had all been verbal/emotional, it was bad. On this basis, she asked me to take her word, to trust her, that M had changed.

***********I mentioned the idea of Too Toxic for me, Too Toxic for my kids*****************

11) She reiterated her intention to have a relationship with me no matter what ended up happening with M.

12) She told me M has become content with never seeing me or the girls again this side of heaven.  :applause:
#2
After listening to several good lectures and podcasts about how psilocybin works, and acting on my T's advice, I decided I wanted to give give it a shot. Based on the protocols established in a few different phase III drug trials, and in consultation with my T and with a Registered Nurse, I designed and implemented my own therapeutic protocol (it included designing the setting, the mindset I went in with, the music I had, the medications available, etc. I also had a trip sitter). I accessed the magic mushrooms via the gray market (not legal per se, but decriminalized). The insights and spiritual experience I has was fantastic, but even better than that is the virtual elimination of all of my C-PTS symptoms. On the scale used by my psychiatrist, my depression symptoms are virtually non-existent and my anxiety symptoms are their lowest of all time. I have not had an EF since my trip, my SOT has only been activated when I almost got in a car accident, my interpersonal relationships have remarkably improved (esp. with my wife), etc. Maybe most notable of all, however, is how fast and how successfully I have done IFS work with my T since my trip. If you go over to my recovery journal, you'll see my latest dialogue between my parts. That was written after my trip. My most enduring symptom (and most debilitating one) has been my Icr, but he currently being helpful and nor harmful.

I do have fear that all of this is temporary, and maybe it is. But I am hoping that the rewiring in my brain that occurred will at least give me the time I need to move the furniture around in my head before everything locks back into place.

Without any hesitation or caveat, this has been the single most useful thing I have done for my CPTSD.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: My Inner Dialogues
September 25, 2023, 02:57:30 AM
Here is a new dialogue comissioned by my Therapist. Enjoy.

Dramatis Personae:

Inner Adult (IA—this is the outward facing self, the one who makes the decisions, the *me* in everyday life; this is the teacher, the husband, the father. He is almost always in the present)

Inner Critic (Icr—this is the primary manager and probably my most active other part. He views his primary responsibility as keeping the exile from waking up. He does this by critiquing anything that might upset the exile in order to stop me from getting into situations where the exile might be subject to harm. The Icr ranges between 13-18 years old. He lives in a liminal space between the past and the present).

Inner Child (IC—this is the exile. He is approximately 9 years old. He is mostly asleep but with troubled dreams. When he wakes up he is terrified, alone, isolated, and extremely angry. He is the last of the inner children to not be integrated. In therapy a couple of years ago the IA rescued the infant, toddler, little, and teenage me, but this child refused to leave).

Firefighter (FF—this is the firefighter in traditional IFS terms. Historically his job is the job of an anesthesiologist; he is supposed to keep IC asleep. He does this through a soothing routine. His primary tools are food, prayer/meditation, isolation, massage, entertainment (podcasts, TV, YouTube, music, etc), sex (porn before I was married), and alcohol (I gave up drinking about 4 months ago after I blacked out while I was supposed to be caring for my children). He is the least defined in terms of age because he has grown along with me).

Philosopher (P—this part was a new discovery for me recently after Icr asked him for help. This part is my highly rationalistic, analytic side that is just highly skeptical. He isn't skeptical of people like the Icr, but just skeptical of claims about anything. He needs things to be clearly articulated and defended. He is pretty dispassionate and only comes to the surface when asked, which is mostly in the context of my daily work as a teacher. He came into existence in high school and has grown with me).

Artist (A—this part atrophied for a long time, but has come into his own in the last five years. He is highly creative and is a writer, an actor, and he draws (primarily the human figure). He also enjoys tinkering with home improvement projects but doesn't actually know what he is doing most of the time. He is consulted, often along with P, in the course of my daily work. He, along with P, has grown up with me).

Dialogue

IA: I have gathered you all in one place at one time to discuss what we must do going forward. As you all recall from our last session with T, we cannot maintain the status quo. Something must give.

Icr: Do you have a plan? Because I am NOT sure about this. What if he wakes up?

IA: I plan to wake him up when the time is right. He deserves to be part of any decision making process.

Icr: Absolutely not! I refuse to participate.

IA: Do you want a seat at the table? We need you. I need you. I need you to keep helping us live well.

Icr: [storms off]

IA: Ok. Anyone else object?

Icr: [from other room] I STILL OBJECT

IA: If you want to be part of the decision-making process, then please come back in here. Decisions are made by those who show up.

Icr: [slinks back in] Fine. But I object.

IA: Duly noted. Anyone else object to waking up IC?

FF: How will we put him back to sleep? It's one thing when he wakes up delirious and in a nasty dream. We can usually soothe him back to sleep with some snuggles, prayer, and a snack. But if we wake him up on purpose, aren't we risking a catastrophic meltdown?

IA: I hear you. Philosopher, what do you think?

P: Well, it is all risk vs reward, right? Why do you want to wake him up?

IA: Because he deserves a seat at the table. And I am persuaded after our last session with T that we won't get better until he gets better. And he isn't going to spontaneously recover by being sedated.

P: I guess the question is whether he can recover. I mean, he might be damaged beyond repair. In cases like this, it seems best to leave the patient sedated.

A: No one is damaged beyond repair. The world is full of surprising joys, of beautiful things made from the dust. You only have to look. If we are voting, I vote we wake the poor kid up. We might be surprised at what we find.

Icr: But the risk is enormous. Waking him up, especially if we can't control him, could be disastrous.

IA: You are right that things could go badly, but we don't seem to have much of a choice. Our current trajectory is untenable. If you have a workable alternative, please present it.

Icr: I . . . I—I don't!

IA: [gently] What is the risk we run if we don't get him help?

Icr: I don't know what you mean.

IA: You have the potential to become something like our conscience, pointing out when we have missed the mark and helping us to craft a plan to return to virtue. So what I mean is, is there anything morally concerning about leaving him sedated until we die?

Icr: Um. I—I guess leaving him sedated is not very respectful of him. It isn't how children should be treated.

IA: Ok. Anything else?

Icr: Help me out Philosopher–what is it that you are always quoting from St. Bernard of Clairvaux?

P: Oh yes, the four loves. The lowest love is the love of self for the sake of self. Essentially, I do whatever makes me happy. The second love is the love of others for the sake of self. Basically, I enter into a quid pro quo with another person. The third love is the love of others for the sake of others. This is when we sacrifice ourselves truly for the good of others. The fourth and highest love is the love of self for the sake of others. This is when we care enough about others to make sure we are at our best.

Icr: Thanks! So, basically, I guess the moral danger is spending so much of our energy on keeping the kid sedated that we are unable to be present with our own kids and wife and students and friends.

FF: I never thought of that. What could I be doing with myself if I wasn't spending all of this time on sedation duty?

A: And if the atmosphere around here wasn't so negative, I might be able to make more beautiful things.

IA: Wow! I love all the insights. So, are we agreed, do we wake him up? Let's take a vote. This needs to be unanimous. FF, how do you vote?

FF: I vote yes.

IA: A?

A: Yes.

IA: P?

P: Yes. I think your analysis of the situation is spot on.

IA: Icr?

Icr: I say yes. The worst that will happen is that we will go insane and then, if needed, we can get help in an in-patient unit.

IA: I doubt that will be necessary, but you are correct. Ok. Let's wake him up. Buddy, little one. Wake up. Can you hear me?

IC: [murmurs] Mommy? [crying] I want Mommy!


To be continued . . .
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: My Inner Dialogues
September 25, 2023, 02:55:23 AM
Hey Bert,

A pleasure to meet you!

I am so sorry to hear about all you have been through. I resonate with your description of your M. If you know the classic BP "types," growing up, my M was mostly the queen with a strong dose of the witch. As I grew older and the physical and explicit sexual abuse stopped, the emotional abuse was heighted and came with a very toxic, insidious form of covert incest. She very much became most often the waif but sometimes the hermit (though the queen was always in the background).

As to your questions:

Quote from: Bert on September 24, 2023, 11:12:01 AMI want to ask you - how are you able to fluently note down which inner "parts" are speaking with you and precisely what they say? I really want to develop this practise.

Well, I have spent an extraordinary amount of time in therapy, meditation, and journaling. I received my C-PTSD diagnosis about four years ago and have been working ever since. These dialogues come at the end of a long process of work. I did not have this clarity at all when I first began. Also, I am a trained writer. While most of my writing is academic, I have been in creative writing workshops and have written creatively a lot. The trick, for me, is to treat the parts as characters in a drama. I don't think there are any actual parts in me--that is, I don't have alters like someone with DID would. Rather, my parts (and the whole IFS framework) is a creative way for me to imagine the tensions within myself. So, this is less of a recording of actual conversations between discreet entities and more a creative expression of the tension within my mind.

Quote from: Bert on September 24, 2023, 11:12:01 AMAdditionally, your Inner Adult is very compassionate. Has this always been the case, or has this developed with practise.

Absolutely not. He used to be merged with the Icr. Early on, I could not get any distance between my IA and my Icr. Thankfully, doing lots and lots and lots of EMDR cultivated that compassion within me for my IC. Also, and maybe more relevant, I am a father to three kids and those kids are the ages when the abuse was at its worst. Seeing how vulnerable and young they are has really increased the compassion I feel for the IC.

Quote from: Bert on September 24, 2023, 11:12:01 AMWithin myself, I'm rarely able to dis-identify with the negative emotions and consequent thought patterns that crop up with even the smallest of triggers... I also rarely am able to articulate these emotions and feelings into words and sentences such as those you are able to within your inner dialogue.

Right. I was right there with you for the longest time. Something that really helped me was reading the Stoic philosophers and then doing what they said, especially the Enchiridion of Epictetus. While I don't think CBT is all that useful for the treatment of C-PTSD itself, I do appreciate the practice of being able to create a critical distance between myself and my thoughts, to observe them as they pass by. I honed this skill when I was first being treated for my OCD (diagnosed about 7 years ago) and it has served me well since.

Anyhow, thanks Bert! I appreciate the comments and I also wish you well on your healing journal.

#5
Recovery Journals / Re: My Inner Dialogues
September 12, 2023, 02:42:31 PM
Thanks everyone!

The dialogue proved to be a catalyst for a fantastic session with my T yesterday. We were able to get really deep into the pent-up rage felt by the exile.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: My Inner Dialogues
September 10, 2023, 10:21:40 PM
Here is my latest dialogue. T asked me to write this one. Same caveats as above apply. Right now, my ICr and my Manager (in IFS terms) are indistinguishable.

* * *

IA: You have been super loud lately. What's up?

ICr: What do you mean?

IA: I hate it when you play dumb. You've been torpedoing or attempting to torpedo most of my relationships.

ICr: Excuse me? [arms crossed; turned aside]

IA: [rubs forehead] Ok, ok. I'm sorry. I came in all accusatory. I am just so tired.

ICr: Then you should go to bed earlier, dimwit.

IA: [physiological sigh] Thank you. But seriously, are you ok?

ICr: [blinks in surprise] Wha, what do you mean?

IA: Well, you seem to be very scared. What are you afraid of?

ICr: I wouldn't say I'm afraid. I don't want to commit to that emotional disposition.

IA: Ok. But are you worried about anything? Anything on your mind? Are you preoccupied with anything?

ICr: [whispers] I don't want him [gestures toward sleeping young child] waking up.

IA: What sorts of things might wake him up?

ICr: Seriously? You don't know what things wake him up?

IA: To be honest, I haven't thought about him specifically all that much.

ICr: [clearly flabbergasted] But how? How do you go through life without thinking about him? He is literally ALL I think about. If he wakes up, then we are doomed.

IA: [shrugs shoulders] I just don't. I have lots of adult things to think about. Please tell me what sorts of things wake him up.

ICr: What wakes anyone up? Loud noises. Crying. Being touched without warning. Being spied on. Being criticized. Being challenged. You know, the basics.

IA: Umm. Ok. Those last three seem different from the first three. How would he know if he was being spied on, criticized, challenged, etc?

ICr: Whatever.

IA: That's a genuine question!

ICr: I DON'T KNOW! I just KNOW that he hates those things!

IA: Ok, ok. I get it. But, if he is asleep, would he know if those things are even happening?

ICr: You are missing the point! If I slip up somehow or don't pay attention, then he might wake up when one of those things is happening. And then ALL * will break out.

IA: So, how do you shield him from those things?

ICr: I make sure we are never put in a situation where he can be criticized, spied on, or challenged.

IA: So, what does that look like?

ICr: Well, it's what you called "being loud" earlier. I turn on the sirens just as soon as I suspect we might be criticized or are being spied on!

IA: What are the sirens?

ICr: Well, over the years, I developed a number of tactics, but the easiest one to flip on is the anxiety machine. I shoot our anxiety levels up when I think we might be about to enter a situation that might lead to us being criticized or spied on.

IA: Do you have some recent examples?

ICr: Oh sure! Remember when our wife wanted us to go to Costco? Remember how we would have to get our own membership card which would involve giving out our cell phone number, email address, and taking a picture for our membership card? Well, I know that has a high likelihood of us being spied on. No corporation needs that information!

IA: Right. Anything else?

ICr: Do you remember the anxiety spikes you experience when a student meets with you in your office?

IA: Yep.

ICr: [smiles smugly] That's me!

IA: But why?

ICr: Because I want you to STOP taking those meetings. If you don't meet with students in your office, then you can't be accused of anything unprofessional!

IA: But it is part of my job to meet with students, to advise them on a number of things. Principal explicitly said that was the reason for the fishbowl approach to our offices. The large windows make it so anyone nearby can see into the office.

ICr: Yeah, but they can't hear what you say!

IA: Which is why I follow our protocol and keep the door open anytime I am meeting with a student. I have been well-trained on safeguarding.

ICr: Doesn't matter. It is a risk. What if you say something you shouldn't? What if you get reported? What if you get fired? How is HE going to feel about that?

IA: [rubs temples] Enlighten me.

ICr: He is going to feel like HE has been rejected, that he is worthless and gross and deficient and like he should just jump off a bridge. I CANNOT handle him getting loose like that. No. No. No. Absolutely not.

IA: Ok. Suppose he does feel that way. What's the harm? He is deeply hurt? We both know that. What's the danger?

ICr: Because he could TAKE US OUT! Do you not remember the last time he really got loose?

IA: Can you explain it?

ICr: Yep! You, in your infinite wisdom, had decided the time was right to come off our meds. Those meds were absolutely essential to keeping him tame. So I made a bad deal with firefighter (FF). He said he would just replace the pills with booze. I figured if it knocked the kid out, then life would at least be tolerable. I didn't know what to do. But stuff got real that Saturday and FF went overboard. We got so drunk we blacked out while we were supposed to be caring for our kids. And I decided in that moment to protect us. We were done with FF's methods!

IA: Yeah, I remember. Thank you SO MUCH for making that decision. I actually really appreciate that you stepped up for us.

ICr: You're welcome! But I should not have had to do that and I am still upset about it! I had gotten to the point where I thought I could trust you, where I didn't have to constantly watch out, but you betrayed that with your experimentation with our meds!

IA: I am so, so sorry for that. To be fair, though, I don't think you are telling the whole truth.

ICr: What?!?!?

IA: Well, I think you were terrified that he would wake up when we got Mom's letter in the mail, so I think you attempted to beat him into submission. But your plan backfired because you sounded so much like her. You were the one who woke him up. At that point, you turned to FF for help. It is true that I was messing with our meds, but I had started titrating down months before all this began.

ICr: That might be true. All I know is I am now running a tight ship and do not plan to take chances.

IA: How have you felt with me overriding your decisions lately, leaning in to doing what I think is right regardless of how it may personally cost me?

ICr: I have absolutely HATED it. And I think I have made life difficult for you so that you have had to think twice.

IA: Remember when we first got the OCD diagnosis?

ICr: Yes.

IA: And you had no idea how OCD worked so you were constantly spiking our anxiety levels at the drop of a hat, at the barest intrusive thought that wasn't perfectly virtuous?

ICr: Yes

IA: Do you remember how T and I were able to convince you to work with us?

ICr: Yes.

IA: And how you became my staunch ally, acting like a conscience to push me toward doing what I actually needed to do to care for us? By the end, you were often the one suggesting that we pursue ERP, right?

ICr: Yes. So?

IA: Do you think you can trust this trauma therapy process too?

ICr: I have no idea. It seems dangerous and highly likely to wake him up.

IA: I think we need him to wake up. He is the one who needs the help.

ICr: NO! We are functioning JUST FINE!

IA: It doesn't seem like that to me. He needs professional help; he needs something you cannot provide him. And wouldn't his healing be better than your constant fight to keep him in bed?

ICr: . . .

IA: Well?

ICr: I . . . I don't know.

IA: Ok. Let's leave it there. But can we talk about it with T tomorrow?

ICr: I suppose . . .

IA: How gracious!!

ICr: [glares]
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: My Inner Dialogues
September 04, 2023, 06:29:37 PM
Thanks Papa!

I completely agree with what you have to say about art. I have written quite a bit of poetry with a couple of pieces published. I also am a self-taught figure artist. When I had my first C-PTS "break" (my F filed for divorce and things never before discussed were discussed) and I had to take a leave of absence from work because of my symptoms (including lots of SI and severe depression), my T recommended I try a creative outlet that was non-verbal. And man o man did it benefit me tremendously. In spite of everything, I am quite religious and have done a lot of religious art (in the form of graphite & charcoal renderings of famous icons) as well as more traditional figure art. Learning to draw the nude figure has aided tremendously in my ability to see the bodies of others as good and beautiful, and by extension to appreciate my own body, to be present in it instead of dissociating from it. One of the most difficult drawings I did was a self-portrait of me based on a childhood photograph. You can just see the pain and fear and helplessness in his eyes.

I love that you gained so much from writing your novels! That warms my heart. And I also love that your wife's love has been instrumental in your own healing. It wasn't until I met her that I realized love could be given and received without condition or transaction. I remember one of the times before we got married that we were making out on the couch in her house and she paused and asked me if I would be comfortable taking off my shirt. I had never got shirtless in front of a woman (and rarely a man) since I was little. It was too triggering. But I loved her and I wanted to be loved and I felt safe. I took off my shirt. And she took off hers and well, we anticipated our wedding night by a few months. That was the first sexual contact I had had since my M had molested me. And it was SO HEALING.

Thank you for the encouragement. And it is so great to "meet" you here on this forum.

You take care as well!
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: My Inner Dialogues
September 04, 2023, 12:00:00 AM
Thanks Papa!

I so relate to one of your comments:
Quote from: Papa Coco on September 03, 2023, 07:36:59 PMSadly though, I am still ashamed of being what my mom would call a disgusting, smelly, ugly man.

She regularly told me I was disgusting and nasty. A gross boy that no one in the world would love except her. She made sure I never dated in high school. I started dating my now wife when I was 21 in college. Mom feigned support and love, but she clearly saw my wife as a threat. She went out of her way to get alone time with me as an adult (usually calling me to come take care of her when my dad was travelling for business). She just wanted to keep her claws in me, to make sure I would never leave her. But being genuinely loved by my wife began my healing. And watching my M try to sink her claws into my kids woke me up to how horrible she is. As I began disconnecting, she turned extremely nasty toward my wife. That was the wrong decision. It was my love of my wife (and her love of me) and my desire to protect my kids that finally caused me to break off contact. But as I wrote here, her voice is still with me.

Quote from: Papa Coco on September 03, 2023, 07:36:59 PMAlso, I like how you post with these dialogues. It's a clever way to really share your inner thoughts. Very cool! Very easy as a reader to follow.

Thanks! I have a creative writing bent and find this sort of thing easy and very helpful for myself. I am glad it can help you.
#9
Dolly,

Thanks! I hadn't really looked into attachment theory before, but I think you are exactly right about me being the fearful-avoidant type.

I also really love your "multiple reality disorder." It is so true. I am thinking of it like the different parts have different sets of VR goggles on but are all moving around the same room. No wonder things are confusing! I see my T again on Monday and my psychiatrist today. Hoping to get some clarity and make a game plan.
#10
Saluki,

Thanks so much for the encouragement! I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today as well. I always get so anxious that she is going to try to have me institutionalized. And I still have to work all day until that appointment.
#11
Dolly,

Thanks! I am definitely a flight type. So, the icr has many running scared from anything that smells like intimacy. I learned early on that I could not be vulnerable because whatever I said could and would be used against me later. I have long isolated and have very few friends that are on the inside, so to speak. The icr has generally accepted them in the past given their long track record of genuine love and affection for me. But he is jumping at shadows now (which means I am jumping at shadows) and I don't entirely know why.

Kizzie,

That is an interesting thought! In my last session, my T talked to the icr for awhile with adult me as the intermediary. He seemed to warm up to her some. But, after I left, he instantly regretted all of the vulnerability and sharing he did. He is expecting the other shoe to drop, to find out I've been had. In IFS language, my manager and my icr are merged. That is, my manager mostly helps me avoid danger my pointing out all of my flaws and suggesting ways to mitigate my inevitable failures. It is all on me.

Slowing down may be the right call. When I visualize the icr, he seems to be running backwards, trying to find a solid wall to rest against where he knows nothing will get him from behind. He is frantic. My manager tries so hard to keep me out of danger because he is especially critical of the actions generally taken by the firefighter when stuff gets tough. My firefighter mostly suggests alcohol, YouTube videos of various sorts, or food to soothe me. If I have stumbled into a situation where conflict is inevitable and I can't escape, however, the firefighter takes over and I become either ingratiating (fawn) or, more commonly, verbally dominant (fight).

A couple of other factors: 1) I stopped consuming alcohol about three months ago. 2) I am a teacher and we just started back at work after the summer holiday. I expect things to settle down sooner or later.
#12
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Too Tired to Argue
August 27, 2023, 12:02:07 AM
My icr has lately been doing a lot of the driving. He is feeling very protective and trying to defend me from any potential threat. Unfortunately, his ways of doing this is to flip on the anxiety around situations that have hitherto been no big deal. And each time I let him get his way, things calm down for a bit. But then he goes after something else.

Lately he has been systematically isolating me. He continuously suggests that my friends actually dislike me or my wife just married me for pity. He has also suggested that my young children will reject me just as soon as they get to know me better with older brains. He would like me to quit my job to protect myself from those relationships, but that is a non-starter. I need to work in order to pay the bills. He is ingeniously suggesting ways to isolate from people at work--just in case.

Problem is, I am too tired to argue with him. To resist. To reason with him. I have written an inner dialogue with him over on the recovery journal thread. It is like that nearly all the time. I feel like I have a little terrorist living in my brain. And when he doesn't get what he wants he can be so vindictive.

I don't know what to do. Part of the problem is that I at least half believe the doom and gloom scenarios he paints for me. My T says I should figure out what he really wants. She thinks I need to give him a new job where he can continue to protect me without being a jerk. I have no idea how to do that right now.

Moving alone to a cabin in the woods sounds nice, but I know the icr will just blast me for abandoning my responsibilities. It really is a darned if you do and a darned if you don't sort of situation with him.

Thanks for reading!
#13
Recovery Journals / Re: My Inner Dialogues
August 23, 2023, 01:40:42 AM
Please see my original post for my caveats and background information. Important for this post: I teach high school students in my day job. This dialogue is with my 13 yr old inner child who is usually HIGHLY critical and exceptionally vigilant in an effort to protect us.

As above, all names and identifying details have been fictionalized.

***

Inner Child (IC): We are going to be accused of misusing school property!

Inner Adult (IA): Whoah! That sounds terrible. What makes you think so?

IC: Supervisor told us today that he saw some social media posts which we had filmed from our office.

IA: Gotcha. Is that all he said?

IC: No. He also told us that he didn't know if having our office as a background was a problem or not. So he suggested we talk to Principal to make sure.

IA: Ok. Did you talk to Principal?

IC: NO! THAT would be crazy.

IA: Why? Principal is a nice person who told us in our last one-on-one meeting that he wants us to apply for the promotion and thinks we are great.

IC: Well, he didn't know about our social media adventures did he?

IA: Umm. I don't know, actually. It isn't like we keep our social media accounts under a rock. They are publicly viewable on purpose, right?

IC: Oh yeah . . .

IA: We made them public in order to provide educational content, right? We want to help others out there.

IC: Yeah, but we violated school policy big time by filming posts from our office!

IA: Did we? Supervisor wasn't sure and suggested we check with Principal to find out.

IC: We CANNOT let Principal find out. He will fire us.

IA: Well, he actually can't fire us. There is a board for that, though he can recommend our firing. But more importantly, do you think Supervisor would recommend we consult Principal if our actions merited firing? Wouldn't he report us to Principal and HR?

IC: Maybe. But Supervisor is a nice person and probably wants us to take action to eliminate the threat. This is probably a subtle warning from Supervisor to clean up our act!

IA: That seems very convoluted to me. What makes you think Supervisor would communicate in such a roundabout way?

IC: Because he knows he can't say something obvious without also reporting it, so he wants us to get the hint so he doesn't have to report it.

IA: Gotcha. Is this how Supervisor normally behaves? Does he usually beat around the bush or otherwise speak in code?

IC: Not usually. But if ever there was a time, this would be it!

IA: Why? Does he usually cover for teachers who commit firing offenses?

IC: Um. No. He was the one who reported Bad Person several years ago.

IA: Exactly! So, maybe he actually thinks you should consult with Principal in order to get guidance.

IC: Ok. Maybe that is true. But I suspect he doesn't actually know the policy then. Principal will definitely have us fired if he finds out.

IA: So which policy have we broken? Did you consult the Employee Manual?

IC: Well, I have looked at last year's manual, but this year's manual hasn't been released yet.

IA: What does last year's manual say about school property appearing in Social Media posts?

IC: It doesn't say anything directly.

IA: Gotcha. So, maybe Supervisor does know the policy and is uncertain? And wants you to check with Principal so we can gain clarity?

IC: Maybe, but I am SURE this year's manual will make social media posts with school property in them a firing offense.

IA: Even if that is true, would we be fired for something we were unaware of? I mean, if it is in the new manual and we made the posts last year without knowledge of the new manual, will we be fired? That doesn't seem fair.

IC: I guess not.

IA: So, how should we figure out what to do?

IC: Delete our social media accounts and pray nothing was screenshotted!!

IA: But that won't give you clarity, will it?

IC: No, but if Principal knew, we would already be fired. But we aren't fired, so he must not know. If we delete our accounts now, then Principal will never know.

IA: That may be true. But I think you will lose out on a couple of important things that way.

IC: Like what?

IA: Well, you will lose the opportunity to work on a real relationship with Principal. If you don't seek clarity, you will always think of him as ready to fire us at a moment's notice. But if you take the risk and ask, we gain the opportunity to be guided and to grow in our relational skills.

IC: But that sounds scary!!

IA: It is scary! And you have done such a great job in the past protecting us from being hurt by Mom. But she was nuts and had no idea that there could be anything less than perfection. We have learned, haven't we, to accept "Good Enough" in a number of areas, right? Can you think of any?

IC: We have accepted (mostly) being a "good enough" Dad and a "good enough" husband and a "good enough friend."

IA: Right! Can we risk being a "good enough" employee?

IC: I don't know. Our paycheck is on the line.

IA: Sure, but you can't let the financial threat be used as blackmail. If Principal really would recommend we be fired for those social media posts, and the board went along with it, then we would need to RUN as far away as possible from that school. It would be a bad place for us anyway. Haven't we learned how important it is to actually value ourself? To accept in our employment only what we are actually worth? To insist on just treatment? To push back against bullies?

IC: Yes. YES! I think you're right? We can't let ourselves be dominated by bullies. Not anymore.

IA: Right. So either Principal is a bully (which I highly doubt) and we need to walk away, or he is a reasonable person who will provide us clarity, just like Supervisor suggested.

IC: Ok. Makes sense. One problem: I already deleted our Social Media accounts.

IA: I know. But you should still talk to Principal. Whether or not you ever post on social media again, we will still gain a lot from having an honest conversation about it with Principal.

IC: You aren't mad at me for rashly deleting those accounts?

IA: Not at all! I get it.

IC: But I still feel nervous about talking to Principal. Not because I genuinely think he will fire us, but because that kind of vulnerability is difficult for us.

IA: I know. And you certainly don't have to. I am NOT pressuring you. I get it. Take it slow. We can't make these changes all at once. I just don't want us to have to live in the existential dread.

IC: Makes sense! Thank you! I love you!

IA: I love you too buddy!
#14
Family / Re: EnSis Reaches Out
August 19, 2023, 11:05:45 PM
DD--Thanks! I feel brave!

Kizzie,

No, I haven't. He has made it perfectly clear that he never wants to discuss our childhood experiences of her. He actually became a priest and took a vow of celibacy, I assume in part to avoid romantic entanglements. He is very quiet and soft spoken, but the one thing that makes him truly angry is mentioning the sex abuse scandal in the Catholic Church. He once told me that God designed hel specifically for those priests that abused those kids and for those priests, bishops, and church authorities that covered it up. He is not close to our M or our sister really. He keeps very busy and to himself. I may try again after M finally dies, but right now we are cordial and that is good enough for me.
#15
Quote from: NarcKiddo on August 18, 2023, 04:49:24 PMTypically, EFs don't involve an actual vision of the predator, just a feeling which can centre around the gut. So maybe, in the absence of obvious physical stimuli, the brain concludes there could be a poison and tries to expel it.

I like this a lot. My psychiatrist also told me that a lot of neurotransmitters are present in great quantities in the gut. For example, 90% of the body's serotonin is in the gut.