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Messages - Snookiebookie2

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1
Therapy / Re: Is it time to switch therapists
« on: June 01, 2021, 02:42:45 PM »
I've decided to reach out to another therapist. This doesn't necessarily mean it's a permanent change.

I really do think it's inner child issues. I have tried the book that was recommended, but it's hard going. Besides it recommends working with a therapist.

I have found a therapist who does inner child work and I've just had a taster session. My impressions were good, and it felt okay. I have booked a session again next week.  Feeling quite excited....

2
Therapy / Re: Is it time to switch therapists
« on: April 26, 2021, 08:09:40 PM »
I've heard back from my therapist!  Maybe I should be more patient!!!

Her supervisor has agreed that I'm dealing with inner child issues, and had recommended a book:. Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione.  I've bought a copy off of eBay

Let's see how it goes....

3
Therapy / Re: Is it time to switch therapists
« on: April 26, 2021, 02:42:09 PM »
@Kizzie Many thanks for the info. I made contact with one of the therapists and had an informal chat.  She can offer me some sessions, but yikes! The cost is 90 for an assessment followed by 65 per session. It's not possible to indicate how many sessions I'll need until after the assessment.  I'm mulling it over.  I was paying 40 per session for my current T - but on an as hoc basis. So it's quite a commitment. I don't have any insurance, so I'll have to fund any treatment.

@notalone yes, I was very specific and direct in communicating my needs to my therapist.  Once before when I asked for info she emailed me within a day. I no longer have regular sessions, so no follow up was arranged. She was speaking to her supervisor later that afternoon, so I anticipated she'd let me know if she found anything out in a day or so.

I just feel like I'm treading water with my current T. But I know I'll have to spend some time and expense bringing a new T up to speed on what's happened and who I am.  And I might find that I'm no further forward, and have to switch again. 

So frustrating

4
Therapy / Is it time to switch therapists
« on: April 25, 2021, 02:45:55 PM »
Hi guys

I've been with my therapist for about 4 years.  I went every week for the first 7or 8 months, then every fortnight for another 7 or 8 months, then monthly for 4 or 5 months.  Since then I've only had and hoc appointments when things get on top of me.

I have told my therapist EVERYTHING.  She knows all the traumas I've been through, and ask the people who've been in my life. She is very good at remembering all these, especially as I don't see her regularly anymore.

She is a relational therapist, and looks at relationships and how we interact, and how those interactions make us feel.  She has made me realise how damaging my mother was in my life. She also listened to me, without judgment, with regards to my relationship with my teenage daughter - which was very turbulent when I started therapy.  My relationship with my daughter is much better and stable - but I also think this is due to her needing me during lockdown.

I can genuinely say that my therapist had helped me with lots of issues.  She also helps to have someone to talk to, as she knows all about me. But sometimes she seems genuinely stumped and is unable to come up with ideas or resources when I have a specific problem.

I spoke with her about six or seven months ago as my daughter was exhibiting eating disorder behaviours.  I asked her a direct question of how I feel with it. She seemed uncertain. However by the end of the session she had suggested that the behaviour was the symptom, not the cause. This was helpful. She did send me some helpline details afterwards.

Most of my issues boil down to repeated issues, i.e. self esteem, inner critic, perfectionism. And these issues are usually triggered by work. So the sequence of events are, that I'll get wound up, have a therapy session, rant, and then go away until the next time I get overwhelmed.

I've come to realise, and to partially accept that changing jobs won't solve my problems. I am always going to be me, and act like me.  So I need some tactics for dealing with things when I'm overwhelmed.  I also need some practical ideas of keeping myself from reacting and the pressure building. I also need a way to track my mood/feelings, so I spot that I'm spiralling before things get bad. 

Last Wednesday I had a therapy session, it was quite close to my last session. As a consequence I was as wound up. I was more lucid and articulate. 

I asked my therapist for tactics and self help methods. She had nothing to offer, but was due to have a catch up session with her supervisor and said she'd raise it.  She did ask pertinent questions as to the roots cause.  I explained my fear of being told off or being in trouble.  We explored that, and the conversation turned to my mum.  My therapist agreed with all the points I was raising.  I felt better for talking about things.

It's a few days after my appointment, and I've not heard back from my therapist. I was hoping she, or her supervisor, could recommend some methods of dealing with things. But they haven't been in touch.  I can only assume they have nothing to recommend.

So, in wondering if there's any point in continuing with her.  It's great that she knows all about me, and who's who in my life.  She has been helpful most of the time. She also has allowed a few sessions to over run when we've been making progress.

The drawbacks are that she's never given me a diagnosis (although that's not uncommon in the UK). And sometimes I think she's not interested in what I say - but it might be that she's just letting me rant. Maybe she is just seeing her role as someone who listens.  I've often said that I don't know what to do, how to deal with things - she just looks blankly at me. Even if I ask her what options are available, she is reluctant to subject exercises or tactics. This maybe down to her style but leaves me feeling frustrated and ignored.

The thought of starting with someone else is daunting. If have to go over old ground again, and we'd have to take time to get to know each other.  Then there's the cost of those sessions - it'd have to be private treatment (i.e. not NHS, and I'm not insured).  But the main reason that puts me off is finding a good fit - it's hard to find someone you feel comfortable with and like.

Ideally, if I did find a new therapist, it'd be someone who knows how to deal with CPTSD. But it's not easy in the UK, as it's not widely recognised.  And when you search for an experienced CPTSD therapist, it picks up people with experience of dealing with PTSD or trauma.   Is that the same thing??

So I'm stumped what to do now.

5
Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
« on: April 06, 2021, 01:18:11 PM »
Just some more feeling that have surfaced.

At work, I constantly feel like I'm not very good. But generally speaking, in life I always feel that way. I'm no good at anything. I have no talent, no skill. 

I can kinda paint. I can kinda draw. But not very very well. It's not amazing. There are loads of people who are better.

I'm not good at sports.  Being asthmatic means I don't have much stamina. When I've tried things such as yoga, I'm not the best.

I can't even drive. I can't sing (I love singing but it really sounds awful).  I'm not a people person.  I'm not outgoing, and I've often written that people don't tend to warm to me.

Whilst I could say I'm intelligent and articulate there are many that are better. My high school exams were good for my school, but I  soon realized that there were people with much better grades.  I have dropped out of every cider l cost course since then, because the perfectionism gets too much. 

I just feel like I'm no good at anything.  It overwhelms me.

6
Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
« on: April 05, 2021, 01:38:28 PM »
Thank you Blue Rose,

Your reply and hug was appreciated.  I hear your comments about self compassion, but sadly I've always struggled with that. I think that's because I've not seen much compassion in my life, so find it hard to knows what it is.   I'm pretty good at self care, and practice that daily.

I need to do something, as I feel on the edge of breaking down.  I'm exhibiting physical symptoms, such as chronic muscle pain and I think I'm starting with "silent" migraines - a feeling of pressure and fuzziness in my head, flashing lights, nausea and malaise. I feel like I'm going insane (which means I'm probably not, if I'm rational enough to recognise how I'm feeling).

My logic and self esteem are non existent. I just want the ground to open up and swallow me.  See my utter self loathing!

I agree though, that we should accept that we are the way we are due to having CPTSD. It's an injury, that was inflicted on us.

7
Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
« on: April 05, 2021, 12:47:49 PM »
Feeling at a low ebb. The lowest for a while.

At work, I've had to teach myself as no training has been given. I've had very little support.  This last couple of weeks, I've realised that I've not understood the rules, despite seeking guidance from my manager and from the agency who runs the scheme.  I've now got some difficult cases to rectify because of this. 

Over the last few weeks I seem to have even more difficult cases to deal with too. And I had one day off leave and two days when I feel sick. So I had to crazy l catch up.

I have a new supervisor who had given me lots of one time tasks, mainly writing notes and flow charts. Initially she said that I didn't need to rush, but I got through the work when I got through it. Then she pinned me down to a deadline of the end of June. Now I feel overwhelmed.

So the above is why I'm triggered. Quite understandably.  My rational self understands why I'm triggered.  And probably would day that it's not all my fault. But my inner critic is having a field day! And perfectionism and shame is making it worse.

For the last week or so, my self hatred has been really high. I've ruminated and thought about all my other jobs when I've made mistakes, got things wrong or just didn't live up to my perfectionistic standards.  It's made me feel totally useless. A total liability. Like I'm a not a worthy human being. 

I've pretty much held a job since I was 18, so that's over 30 years.  I had a six months period of unemployment about 20 years ago. Then six months maternity leave 17 years ago. Since then I've work part time at 21 hours per week. 

At every job I've worked at, I've gotten to the fever pitch stage, for one reason or another.  Whether it's lack of support, lack of training, fear of my mistakes coming to light, but being happy at the management, being bullied/side lined/ignored...etc.  I always end up in a state of crisis.  And I end up leaving because of how I feel.

The above paragraph shows is two things. First, that the only constant is me.  That it is me.  It's because of how I am.  Effectively is my "fault", in that it is down to me being me. It's down to me reacting the way I react. It's down to how In see the world. And secondly, that means that whatever I do, whether I leave for another job, It's going to happen again. I'm only ever going to be me. So I'll act the same, react the same.  I'm doomed to find myself back in this situation again.

Feeling that I'm going to be constantly repeating the cycle at work feels very depressing.  That's made my rumination worse.  So when mistakes pop back into my head, the feel all the more painful - they may be in the past, but something similar is going to happen in the future.  It's all so depressing.

8
Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
« on: March 21, 2021, 10:01:45 AM »
It's been a while since I've written or logged in here.   It's been trying times, but I found some distraction in a enjoyable fantasy and daydream world.  I've not been so consumed in maladaptive daydream.  Whilst that's soothing it's quite jarring and a small shock when real life kicks in.

Work has caused me problems as I fall fowl of regulations that I wasn't aware of.  I did try discussing this with my head boss, who clearly had no idea either, only to be left to feel that I was overthinking the situation.  Now I have a couple of problem cases to sort, and there will be some fall out. Remember I've not had training, and my head boss was always reluctant to support me and cancelled our sessions twice. Emails to both my bosses this time last year were ignored - no reply whatsoever.

They have recently hired a new direct supervision, but she too doesn't have direct experience. So I need to explain everything to her. She is quite good though and we've started tackling problems that I've inherited.  It's just that I am deeply ashamed of the problems that are of my making, or occurred as I did not know otherwise.

I had to speak to my new supervisor this week about a problem.  She was supportive but also pointed out what went wrong and what should have happened (cue me feeling shame).  She knows that about my lack of support and training, and is impressed with what I achieve. She said she only hears positive things about me. She also said that I'm intelligent, conscious and never give up.

I explained to her about my anxiety and again she was supportive. She let me have her mobile number for if work overwhelms my anxiety. 

Since then I've not felt (physically) well, so I have taken a couple of days sick leave.  I'll be returning to work tomorrow and I'm now starting to ruminate.

Yesterday, I could not help but think of all the things I got wrong....not just in this job but every job. And then thinking of every time I got things wrong in my life.  My inner critic was running away with things.

I always feel that my mum, dad and brother just didn't even like me.  I don't have many friends either. I've previously posted how people don't take to me, they just aren't interested in me.  I am super awkward  when I meet people. 

Whilst ruminating I thought of boyfriends and relationships where I was treated badly.  People just seen to not care about how they make me feel.

At home, during lockdown I became close to me daughter. But in recent weeks that's become strained. She's started lashing out at me, and treating me with contempt, just in the same way as my mum did. My daughter has been feeling the strain of A levels, and peer pressure and social media. She's started with problems with food and possibly early stages of anorexia. When I've tried helping she's most definitely thrown everything at me. I've taken the brunt of her anger. Whilst I know this is a deflection tactic, it's another tirade of emotions and blame that I don't need to take. I'm intending on reaching out for support and advice on how to deal with it.

Then there's my husband, who seems more interested in everyone but me. He's addicted to Facebook and WhatsApp or chatting to his mates on the phone. He's even spoken to an old (female) school friend several times, for an hour or so each time. Meanwhile I'm upstairs watching my TV programmes as he was supposed to watching football.

This week I needed him to run errands and I felt unwell. He was so impatient and uncooperative, because he didn't want to do it.  I stayed calm, and he did the errands but he made it difficult.  I just don't need that kind of petulance.

When I was struggling with my anxiety after a bad day at work, he let me rant and kisses on the cheek and sheepishly walks off and then ignores me and pretends morning happened. I appreciate that I have complex issues, but .....

So yesterday I realised that I've spent most of my life feeling unhappy. And that I currently feel so unhappy. I'm craving a bit of peace and quiet and harmony.  I'm in emotional pain, and have been for quite some time. I'm sick of it and want it to end.

I think I need to change my job. Yes my new supervisor might help and things eventually be better. But there's a lot of pain and discomfort to go through. I think I've found it painful for 18 months or two years. I genuinely think in that time it's caused some emotional damage and added to my condition. I think that getting out world be better. I also think that I could do with a change in direction, something other than office work.  But my self esteem is non existent and jobs are thin on the ground due to the pandemic. Work is such a big trigger it'd be a big step if I could find something else that didn't cause me as much to ruminate about.

If you've read all of this, what is essentially a rant, then I thank you. 

I think I need to book an appointment, or two, with my therapist.

 

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's shame journal
« on: February 16, 2021, 02:59:07 PM »
So today has been a grind  :fallingbricks:

Firstly, I have tomorrow booked off as annual leave.  I usually tell my colleague when I have booked time off.  But when I checked my emails this morning she had told me that she has tomorrow off.  So I frantically checked my emails - I couldn't find an email telling her that I had booked the day off.  I must have completely forgotten!  By now I was feelings pretty stupid - I did not know whether I should tell her and apologise and see what she said.  So, my shame told me to ignore it.  All holidays are authorised and I thought to myself, that if the Office Manager has authorised it then it's not my problem if we are both off on the same day.  But that was just me justifying it to myself. 

Later in the day my colleague emailed me to tell me she had realised I was off and had cancelled the day off - but she had no plans.  So now I feel stupid and feel a bit of a coward too!

Then I was liaising with a few people from the finance team about some transactions.  I hadn't told them what to do - but flagged up the points and left the solution up to them.  One of the Accounts team replied to me, copying in my new supervisor, and seemed to be making out I was doing something wrong or had clearly misjudged the situation!  Cue anger and frustration!!   I replied to him, in a friendly tone reiterating the facts.  I Could tell by the tone of his email, where he was making out that I was being very helpful that he had realised he had got it wrong.  And he clearly had got it wrong as he was missing the point.  In the end I called him and suggested it would be easier to talk on the phone.  The problem was resolved really quickly - and he thanked me - copying in my supervisor too - so at least that was short lived shame.

Later in the morning, I had to send a two page document - I thought I had scanned both pages together and sent them to my colleague.  Turns out only one page was sent.  When they let me know my shame made me feel stupid because I should have checked what document I am sending - I should have noticed.  It was easily fixed but yet another stupid, careless mistake.

Then on one of my most faffy and dreaded cases, I thought I had made a mistake.  I went cold.  I can see that all is okay - and at the time I did not have all the knowledge of how to deal with things and that I would deal with things differently this time around.  I have updated my processes due to this.  But I just felt totally stupid again - so my shame flared up again.

My shame throughout today has been telling me I am incompetent because I missing and forget things.  It has told me that I am guaranteed to make an irretrievable mistake and that I deserve all that happens.. Shame has told me that people are surly and officious with me because they think I am stupid and deserve to dealt with in that manner.  I feel quite small and useless and pathetic.

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Recovery Journals / Snookie's shame journal
« on: February 16, 2021, 02:41:18 PM »
Shame is a big problem for me.

One of the suggested tactics is to open up about what you're feeling ashamed about.   Shame like to hide in the shadows but it goes away if you shine a light right at it.

So.... here goes...

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Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
« on: February 03, 2021, 04:56:31 PM »
I'm feeling a deep aloneness. 

I feel so very, very sad and a sense of hopelessness.   

Lockdown is isolating (even though I have my husband and daughter - I spare a thought for those who live alone).  No sense of purpose.   



12
Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Considering legally changing my surname
« on: January 30, 2021, 05:16:50 PM »
I totally relate. I changed my surname.

I did it partly because my father was violent and he didn't know where I was living.   I was convinced he'd search for me, and a change of surname would help me hide.

I also added a middle name.  It was a new beginning and a new me. 

I have since gotten married and have a different surname as a result.

13
Perfectionism making my life a misery again! :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

Can anyone recommend a self help book? Or techique. Or website.  Anything would be appreciated.

Thank you x

14
Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
« on: January 25, 2021, 08:38:59 PM »
Thanks San

I've got an appointment with my T on Wednesday.  Phew....I  think I need it.

15
Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
« on: January 25, 2021, 05:55:16 AM »
Just woke  from vivid bad dream.  More of an EF than anything but featured an old boss who really hurt and upset me.  Feeling pretty low now.

Not looking forward to work as am struggling.   Hating lockdown.  Feel like a pretty useless unlikeable piece of rubbish. (I kinda know that's my CPTSD talking, but I still feel yukky).

And I've not heard back from my therapist after emailing for an appointment this time last week. She doesn't usually take that long, and isn't the best at administration. I'm sure she doesn't mean to ignore me, but it just makes me feel she's not really interested.

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