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Messages - Perplex

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1
Recovery Journals / Re: Making a Change
« on: November 27, 2019, 11:22:21 PM »
Feeling this shame and guilt because I'm leaving work to have an off day... I feel I'm such a selfish human being. But this EF is driving me into a spiralling darkness, I cannot seem to concentrate or think straight at all. I feel confused about my identity and thoughts and I don't know what I want to do.
 :'(

2
Poetry & Creative Writing / My Mind
« on: November 27, 2019, 09:25:06 PM »
I suddenly remembered this song/poem I made a few years ago. It vaguely sums up a portion of trauma... Specifically how closed off one becomes when the people who are supposed to care for you will hurt you...
It's the social interaction of my childhood in a way.

I just feel so angry how I couldn't express myself for 18 years.. but reading my own vent helps in a weird way to process it.

----

Twining, twisting and inviting,
A stream of conscious lining,
Wrapping round the void of mad eternity.
White snow, covering the wild glow,
A consequence of mild flow,
Distracted by the lines and shapes of circuitry.

Climbing, whispering the lightning,
An irony in timing,
Clinging to the only thing that's left inside.
I know this seems insane but although,
My mind is not a play show,
Keeping thoughts of lone but happy entity.

Curving, rearranging, learning,
Convoluted swerving,
Curling round the strands of sweet serenity.
Black crow, singing like my mind though,
Fly by farms of night woe,
Cursing and ensuring the uncertainty.

Crying, horrifying lying,
A mix of falsifying,
A book of wrong and horrid self insurgency.
I know this seems insane but although,
My mind is not a play show,
Keeping thoughts of lone but happy entity.

Waiting here goes uneasy,
Just anxious and unruly,
I know it's the paranoia seeping in.
Claustrophobia's not one threat to me,
But we know it won't matter,
Cause my mind is always closed.

Just here, yes you have,
Just a snippet of my luxury, my home,
My sanctuary peace dome.
But how can I control, Something half in my possession,
But we know, It won't hurt me,
Cause my mind is always closed.

Hearing you, I regret,
Just mistakes I cannot run from, I know,
It's unlucky, just stupidity.
Hyperopia, I can't see quite the obvious,
But we know it won't matter,
Cause my mind is always closed.

Quiet and sweet, from the out,
Just a mask over my truth and my soul,
My secret, my hidden goal,
But how can I control, Something half in my possession,
But we know, it won't hurt me,
Cause my mind is always closed



3
Recovery Journals / Re: Starting my journal
« on: November 26, 2019, 11:39:28 PM »
It really did, it took so much complicated emotional feelings and energy to get there. They replied today stating what I shared is concerning therefore they have made a referral to the children's services. I'm so pleased that the children's wellbeing is now on the radar of professionals. I just started feeling like a phoney and a coward at work....going in as a doctor, my role including protecting vulnerable people and here I was, still unable to protect vulnerable innocents after witnessing the abuse first-hand. I just couldn't let it slide anymore and my (hopefully temporary) emotional state with the guilt and fear no longer felt like a good enough excuse for me not to advocate for them.

I'm struggling with accepting the fear, guilt, shame and terror as I process the big steps I have taken but goal is to let them be there without trying to fight them off and end up exhausted and defeated.

I feel like I don't know how to even process things....never did I see or be allowed to experience 'processing' things after something bad/big happened -  its all new to me to not react to my flight or fight and inner critic! Anyone got any tips on learning how to process and accept the feelings that come with processing things? Especially in between therapy sessions, it can be quite hard.
I think it's important to remind oneself that it's okay to take the time to just... ease down and let thoughts simmer. There's no real rush to do anything or feel anything, nobody will fault you for taking a little while longer to process things if need be.
It was a big step and definitely in the right direction.  :)

4
General Discussion / Re: I Don't Even Want To...
« on: November 26, 2019, 01:46:04 AM »
I was pleasantly surprised to hear that the previous psychiatrist I saw was a temp so there's a low chance I'll have another session with him. I had another small follow up just to discuss a few administrative things but the lady was so nice it helped to feel a bit calmer. Even the receptionist was nicer this time.

Just a small thing I wanted to share...
I was in the little office space to talk to this lady and as she walked into the room the heavy door clicked harshly as it opened and it caused a short but vivid visual flashback.
I don't know if my reaction was visible, or maybe it was luck - since she had to leave to gather some notes and she asked me if she should keep the door shut or open. I requested it stay open - and I don't know... Just that small thing and just how considerate some of these people can be really made me feel a bit more at ease.

I'm glad I'm giving this place more of a chance.

5
Checking Out / Re: Sick break
« on: November 25, 2019, 09:17:56 PM »
Hope you'll feel better soon! Take it easy.

6
The Cafe / Re: Reasons to be cheerful
« on: November 25, 2019, 06:27:27 AM »
Today is just such a lovely sunny day. I actually want to shower - and not because I have to but because I want to. I also got plenty of work done today (33% more jobs done than usual!) And after my shower I can play a game with some friends. That makes me rather cheerful.

7
General Discussion / How to Rent
« on: November 25, 2019, 04:35:32 AM »
I hope this is okay to ask here - it's not directly relating to CPTSD but it would help to get any sort of advice. I'm looking to move out from my current rental, where I'm living with a flatmate. It was okay for the first year or so but now I'm having to ask her for the rent money and I'm unable to even move around the house because there's so much of her stuff lying around in the hallway and kitchen. I've always wanted to live alone anyway and I'm finally making the steps to do so.

But... I have no clue how to present myself well to a real estate agent in hopes of improving the likelihood that I'll get the property. Usually your parents teach you that stuff but you know... And school didn't teach me, and nobody really taught me. I've asked friends but they haven't moved out of their homes yet. I've asked my therapist but she's bought a property, never rented so she couldn't give me any advice.

I'm asking for advice because I'm pretty desperate at this point. I hate how suffocating and small my home feels. I live in my own room and it's not healthy...

So... when I go to a rental inspection to view a property...
#1. Is it polite to introduce myself to the real estate agent? Or is that just weird?
#2. Should I bother dressing up nicely and making a good impression by appearance?
#3. Is there anything I can say/do that might make me stand out among the rest of the applying members?
#4. Any Dos or Don'ts?

Sorry, I realise this isn't really the right place for it and I understand if the thread is locked or something.

8
Recovery Journals / Re: Making a Change
« on: November 25, 2019, 03:24:11 AM »
That would have rattled me, too, hearing his voice when I didn't expect it. Good self care to hang up!  :applause:
Thank you, Three Roses.
Well done for looking after yourself and hanging up. Your boss sounds great!
Thank you! He really is good.
hey, perplex,

well done on hanging up - i also see that as self=care.  and well done on going nc :thumbup: before things got worse.

you mention that you press reset to try to control your games, but that you don't have that same drive to control people.  maybe the games piece is your way to get that 'control' monkey off your back w/o hurting relationships.  i see it as a progressive step.  i believe that as you continue healing and recovering your self, even that piece of control  will become less and less.  just a thought.  dont' know if it pertains here, but it came into my head.

i like your plan, think it's positive and forward-looking.  best to you with it.  sending love and a hug filled w/ games that begin just right for you! :hug:
Thanks San, your comments are appreciated. :)
From what you described, sounds very wise to go no contact. I would have been upset to hear his voice too. I think it was good that you hung up.
Thank you, notalone. Your reply helps a lot.

----

One thing I've noticed about myself and my journey in CPTSD is that I often get extremely attached to certain things/people in a short span of time. But it's not like a crush, it's like... a weird family-like feeling... where I feel overly 'motherly', 'brotherly', or 'sisterly' to someone. I talked to my therapist about it and the only idea we have so far is that I'm behaving this way to sort of make up for what I myself lacked when I was younger. Like my subconscious is saying "Gosh, not having a functional motherly figure is really hard, I want to make sure nobody else feels that way!".

A few cases this got me into a bit of strife with being codependent but I've gotten better at setting boundaries. Nowadays I just let the feelings come and go, and I don't try to cling onto people.

Last night I had a dream that was a bit... odd?
In the dream itself I woke up from a nightmare, I walked over to my friend to ask if I could sleep in his bed with him - affectionately. This dream just seemed mildly adorable at the time but now that I think about it, that's such a mother-child thing to do... except I played the role of the 'child', and my 'mother' was my friend whom I felt safe around. It would also explain why I woke up feeling particularly childlike.
(But even though it's slightly weird, I have to admit - it made me feel very safe and comfortable and I loved that dream)

All these subconscious desires to feel loved/give love really makes for some weird and interesting feelings towards people. I know this is a journal but I welcome anyone to share their experiences with anything like this! I feel a bit crazy sharing this.

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Devastating Emotional Flashback *TRIGGER WARNING*
« on: November 25, 2019, 02:49:20 AM »
Trigger warning: Physical abuse and neglect of infant/child.










The other day, I read some of this thread:
https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=7916.0

This week is very hard for me because along with my impending Thanksgiving dinner with my mother for the one day a year I have contact with her, it is also the anniversary of the death of my baby nephew a few years ago.  Not only is there all the understandable sadnesses surrounding losing a precious beautiful 8-month old because he got croup, stopped breathing and was revived too late, but today I had an emotional flashback of being pressed almost but not quite to death in the crib, and I'm really pretty darn sure that it was a memory, and not my imagination. 

I believe that the flashback occurred because I've been thinking about my poor little sweetheart and how much I will always miss him, and the underlying knowledge that he died from oxygen deprivation combined with all the feelings I've been trying to process about seeing my mother to produce the memory.  I believe that it is a memory and not imagination because it adds up so well with what I remember about the time when I was about 10 and my mother put her hands around my neck and choked me until I started to black out.  That memory came back to me several years ago after what I didn't know at the time was an emotional flashback, which happened because I was doing some of what I called emotional archaeology.  In an attempt to understand what happened to me as a child, I was at my mother's house while she was away going through the basement finding artifacts from my childhood such as photographs, school reports and letters exchanged by my divorced parents.  After a while, I became overwhelmed by this, and then I found myself sobbing uncontrollably on a bed while having a clear feeling of being a baby in a crib, wet and cold and hungry, crying for help at the top of my little lungs and no one coming to help.  When I talked about that incident in therapy, I qualified it with disclaimers about how I knew I couldn't say for sure that that had actually happened to me as a baby, but it FELT like it had really happened.  Then, a few days after that flashback, I had a dream that caused me to remember the time that she choked me with her hands.  That I knew right away was a real memory of something that actually happened, and I recalled that my reaction to it when it happened had entirely lacked surprise.  I remembered that I'd had an internal voice say something along the lines of "Yes, your mother just tried to kill you, but you're still here.  So just get up and move on," and then did just that.  As if nearly being asphyxiated by my caretaker was something I had already survived at least once before.  All this adds up with everything I've learned about CPTSD in the past six months to convince me that yes, these things happened to me.

This happened this morning, and all day I've been coping well, taking care of myself, and My Person is here and also taking care of me, and thankfully will be home all week, but physically I feel like I've been hit by a truck.  Literally.  My entire body hurts.  Medication and exhaustion are helping to keep me calm, but my diaphragm won't relax.  I feel confident that I will make it through and be okay once I do, but right now every moment is clear crisp crackling only thinly tolerable utter discomfort in every atom of my being.
I'm so sorry to hear that Bach but I'm glad you could share this out. I hope you will continue to find kindness for yourself.
I've sometimes been confused whether something was a memory or a dream, or from imagination. But then I reassure myself, that even if in the end it wasn't true (but it could be definitely), then we must have still felt something so devastating to have even thought of such a thing - subconsciously or not. Either way, your experiences are valid and you deserve the time to rest if you can. Wish I could send you strength for this oncoming week.

10
Recovery Journals / Re: Starting my journal
« on: November 25, 2019, 02:12:08 AM »
Thanks for the support guys.

I submitted the form today to the relevant body to discuss the more recent child abuse I'd witnessed which I'd always been threatened, guilted and manipulated into keeping quiet every time i tried to speak up. Well, no more.
You don't get to do whatever you like just because you don't want accountability and then lie and deceit and threaten others into submission.

I'm very happy I did this.  :cheer:
I'm happy to hear that! That must have taken a bit of work to achieve but you got there!

11
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: November 25, 2019, 02:06:51 AM »
Thank you dear San.  :hug:

I am shattered today. I have to work. They said I could call in sick, but my conscience isn't letting me.

I will call in sick tomorrow.
Maybe on Tuesday too... We'll see. I kind of don't want to be at home with mr.grumpyface. I don't know what his deal is these days. He doesn't want me to talk to him. I am too tired to push it. I hope he concludes that the best thing for him is to move back home.
Sorry to hear about your difficulty today, Sceal. I'm hoping things will get better and you'll be able to manage the next few days!
And also happy birthday... Hopefully it's not a trigger for you but I just want to remind in a friendly manner that we're happy to have you here.

12
Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal
« on: November 25, 2019, 02:04:37 AM »
Thanks Sceal! :)

I'm more adjusted to the new medication now. I feel more accustomed to feeling better than I did before, so that's great. Still having trouble with sleeping though. I really wish it was better, I'm going to ask my doctor about it when I see him in the new year.

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm trying to make the best out of doing better than I have been in the past. I think I'll have to find a better balance at some point, I haven't even checked my phone in a few days, but for now I'm giving myself a "vacation".
Hey Jazzy, I find myself feeling a bit like that too sometimes - just off in some other world for a bit. Balance is important but also if you don't need to rush then taking your time before steadying back into a rhythm is good too!
Glad to hear the medication is settling for you.

13
Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: November 25, 2019, 02:02:12 AM »
Went to bed early and slept/rested in bed for 11 hours.

Now I've had the energy to do some very overdue cleaning in the stairwell and other communal areas. It probably was my turn anyway. Today I'm going to the farm early to get a start on Monday's work and am delivering something en route, so it'll be a busy day again, and Monday even more so.
Sounds so busy! :) I'm rooting for you. I'm glad you're also getting your rest after your work.

14
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: Hunger denied
« on: November 25, 2019, 01:58:50 AM »
Thanks for sharing this bluepalm. I'm not good at deciphering poems though I somehow still feel the painful energy behind it all. I hope writing it has helped in some way.

15
General Discussion / Re: Feeling annoyed
« on: November 25, 2019, 01:50:25 AM »
Thank you everyone. I had my first session of emdr with her yesterday. We used buzzers this time, Iíve not used those before. I found them good as was able to close my eyes too and really concentrate which was helpful for me. I went back to a time at Nursery School when I was going through a lot of abuse and looked at my behaviour then, we worked on me not being a child still and the person I had become. ( I feel very much as if Iím still stuck in that childís body and never moved away from that). I found the session helpful and has made me think and re consider some of my feelings so all went well. Thank you all for listening.
That's great to hear! :) I'm not only happy with your own successes but you also give me hope.

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