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Messages - chairmanmeow

#1
I wish it were that simple, one winter i remember I never left my house, people became concerned lol, My continued living requires some level of dealing with people regularly. And I do without complaint..
Changed up my diet a lot, lots of fatty fish, Vitaimins B-complex, magnesium citrate, drinking that Naked juice stuff, put stuff back into my system.. left to my own devices I suck at feeding myself. The Idea was to get my energy back and put some stuff back in my system to recover from the fatigue interesting side effects the magnesium must be catalyzing the vitamin D and having that antidepressant effect it has.
I find myself at the store getting good conditioner and shampoo, doing laundry, motivated to take care of things and myself Iv lost interest in. just in a better frame of mind a couple days after juice binging, maybe its just a depressive state tearing me down...
well roots makes this supplement I actually found one with passion flower and some other things in it I cant ever seem to find so I got that too... I need to beat this back and the inadvertent diet over haul seems to be helping a lot, which is progress I really need right now.
My stupid mood seems to affect a lot more then I take for granted... I have a habit of listening to my body. People dont feel so terribly unbearable so much though Im still not talking about it rawer lol
#3
This has been going on for a very long time, Im well past being blindsided and know the cause and effects and what to expect from my shot sympathetic nervous system. Lately my whole universe has been up-heaved again the losses weigh heaver then I think you can expect anyone to keep sanity. Two years has past, I feel maybe Im done grieving and have more of a understanding and handle on whats going on in myself then ever. My endless issue is the demands people feel entitled too..   

I just wish people would not ask, I keep it all to myself, they cant relate and I get another rehash of the "just get over it, or someone painting some kinda comparison of their or someone elses plight as if its going to what? Change whats been physically destroyed in my brain? Motivate me or something? Its not like Im whining about it, THEY are the ones that brought it up to begin with! ARGHH..

Ok so I can be slightly hostile on the subject, and that is something apparently I have no right to either. As a male weakness is intolerable, its like I cant escape the continual beatings across so many levels. Heres a short list of what life has taught me and how taboo Im starting to feel my whole exsistance has become..

1. Anything that creates or brings lasting happiness to a persons life is a commodity that there is a mob of people ready to steal it all from you or punish you for having.

I never had many dreams or expectations. Life is unfair and a life that I have to fight constantly is not a life Im cut out to live. I never even considered I could have a family, Iv taken the relationship card off the table all together. Its even worst I had that for a short time and a son and was very happy before it all was manipulated away, everyone wants what they want, I am discarded yet again, such is the pattern.

2. If your seen as smart people have a tendency to raise you higher or put themselves lower. The natural result of this position leads to resentment, competition, and pretenses to destroy you and enjoy your suffering guilt free by villionizing you the second you no longer serve their needs, or chafe their insecurities.

I cant escape it, my entire life Im seen as the smart able guy, the person who is best qualified to "get it done" or who knows stuff. Sure when I put it like that it sounds like a great trait to have, its *. People want me to solve their problems for them and watch everything good in my life burn to cinders and put me in my place since they misfiled me in the first place.

Iv become rather stoic, I hurt a lot, I must not hide it well enough anymore. "Am I okay" no but its not like I can talk about it. Its apparently ok to shove this other concept down your throat too the "cant you just be positive and happy" speech. Again its not like I run around complaining or catastriphizing, if you beat me up untill I have to talk to make you comfortable its going to go one of two ways, Im going to be bored and distant or anxious and shut down because your saddling me with your expectations, or I do talk and being so familiar with getting beat up with the darker aspects of human nature (which I can see as just part of the whole) and speak matter of factually is too much for people. They turn a blind eye to themselves and I tend to spell things out in a way denial wont help cover. I have nothing to say to anyone anymore, I just hurt people and all they do is hurt me. Even the fact that Im wise enough to abandon the relationship and not submit myself the the anxiety induced by someone playing with my emotions, and them getting attached to someone so ruined it will just hurt them, is unacceptable I allways get what I call the "your just too jaded and shouldent give up on love" speech.

My exsistance is offensive, and the things people tell me is for their own benefit, they self validate their own beliefs and systems of coping with an unkind reality. And with that everything is completely taken away from me. Im thoroughly invalidated, they take my voice, my frustration, my very real daily struggle is mere whining, Im not allowed any of it. I may be even slightly passively suicidal at this point Im undone not having to look at another day of this would be a relief, given the circumstances its a reasonable feeling, BUT even that is an offense! Because most are afraid of something heading everyones way on a long enough timeline, so you get another "speech of what I need to be true to cope" I am comfortable in my refuge of silence, of hobbies, or books, and film, my isolation, but even then they come to drag you out into the light and stab you with their sticks until they themselves are satisfied with the unpleasantness you turn in themselfs. Just listening to these self appointed "Fixers" in the speeches they force on you, you can see the intimate details of the glue they use to cope, silence invites so much out of people.

Im out of ideas, I dont have the energy to act. The farther I try to get away it seems the more of a draw I have, and being a cornered thing I am offensive to their natures. I am allways weary of an inner critic, its taken years of a grain of salt of self blame and observations, these effects are real and happening in those around myself, not warped perception.
#4
Recovery Journals / Raison D'être
July 06, 2016, 06:02:18 PM
Im guilty of being a hair nihilistic its often the only thing that makes sense. Take all those dead roman guys or those lazy greek philosophers, dead and gone, kings and queens, in our hands often we find what they left behind for us, but what good is it doing them now, eh? And what dose that mean for us..
Achievements are meaningless to a life of meaning. They dont really count or matter they are no "Raison D'être " at least for me, the ego is no way to live.
Sometimes in a few rare moments I find enough of what must be the experience of less damaged people. A concrete sense of belonging to this world is on the other side of a great emotional ravine, to be human is to be an emotional experience making contact with everything in some sense. Oh to take that for granted to nudge into that kind of receptivity such depth only dredges up a special kind of agony except for a few moments recently I knew peace saw the world thru those eyes before it burst like a bubble. Its one thing to go thru life not remembering not really understanding and experiencing life like that. Its a cruel difference when its tangible actualized and forever out of reach. 
To live is to feel, to fell is to live with meaning, to be real.
Iv found a trail that way, but I doubt I can really be that person on my own, or sustain it without suffering, frozen in logic wading in a shallow depth of emotion is no way to live, still more life then phycotropicly induced depression from SSRI's, they are not a proper treatment. And the higher the anxiety the more closed off from my emotional brain I become, the more crushing the weight of a body turning on itself, until ultimately I go numb in a dissociative haze all the paths close survival brain remains- life becomes meaningless again as  go thru the motions waiting to thaw again, reach out pain shut down...
I do better when I have close attachments a rare thing in my life, but people say they are up for a lot of things they never really understand. I am alone with this, fundamentally I suppose I can say Im getting better, I know now how to be open in a way only the poet Rumi describes in half his poems.. 

"Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free."

Just to allow for pain, for something alive to shape my life rather then be lifeless and numb, I can finally open imperative nothing left to loose, nothing to take left. But this is mine alone, I cant talk about it.. I cant share, I cant open to others, not because Im unwilling its tricky and hard in to start and that just earns me more callous statements more lashes beat out by the whip of human ignorance. Most are too dangerously un self aware, It seems any talk on such a level just triggers others..

My only reason, the prime motivation I have left to continue is plain curiosity. Sad when I compare others, they live for things like connections to family, Fear of dieing, an odd sense of entitlement often paired with a sense of invincibility, Where you find nourishment you'll find a will to live, a thirst. I am indifferent, I didnt allways be this way small periods I dared hang on, attached to the world and the thought of those stirs hurt in me I dare not feel.

I clearly have nothing left in common with most people, the experience of the world they take for granted their wholeness and my lobotomized experience littered with painful glimpses of what should have been for me, leave me odd and too far away from the common experience, from feeling human. I am either hurting across all the levels of my being or I am some shallow feeling or I am numb, always just a nudge from breaking, thats not living. I dont see much a way out either, more stock of what has been robbed from me and no one can appreciate who hasent had such things craved from their brains who this difference in experience has been made conscious..   
#5
Recovery Journals / research
July 05, 2016, 08:14:31 PM
More research - neurology
The core system in your brain in charge of flight or fight anxiety is the sympathetic nervous system.
The biology of how painful and disabling this really is becomes clear when you grasp that that system is also directly tied to all the organs in your lower abdominal, kidneys liver stomach bladder heart and eyeballs...
Beating up and overloading that system leads to that dull sort of agony wen something is wrong with a kidney or you have a UTI, pretty much lighting up everything in your guts. Eyes diallate, go figure- also an explanation for my light sensitivity ) aside from having green eyes I go snow blind rather easy lately, fry my corneas without sunglasses. This system is seen to misfire while someone is actually having a heart attack or stroke, that tight pain in your chest and stabbing in your heart.. yep..
And thats not ven going into the longer effects of adrenaline endoline the fact that your sweat glands are wired to it and those run the entire surface of your body.. or the gearshifts in your brain as higher function access gets turned down for more primal lower functions (dont believe me? hows your spelling lately, short term memory?)
And when I consider that developmental trauma leaves a person with a shorter parasympathetic nerve system, responsible for checking the other half, and these structures are deep, so deep that even considering the nuroplastisty of the mind arnt likely to change the damage to my biology can be considered permanent.
I have this to look forward to the REST of my life. And Im extra pissed that I was manufactured to be this way by other people my entire life. Walking on eggshells in a haze of disassociation the first half and isolated and extorted with every shredd of stability pillaged over and over again thru my adult years. I am literally sick from people putting their egos, looting everything thats good like animals my entire life.
The future, MY future is not looking very sustainable and this condition just adds an extra tax to everything I have to do...
#6
The Cafe / Psychological comedys
June 12, 2016, 01:10:49 AM
Iv seen Pixars "inside out" and loved it, I also have seen movies like "As good as it gets" and "Anger Management" Im sure there is a whole world of movies based on psychology Im missing out on.... anyone have any favorites
#7
General Discussion / Re: Freeze-Fawn Type
June 10, 2016, 06:45:41 PM
Depression when its not chemical (brain chemistry, clinical depression)
Is often the same as extreme disassociation the flip side of shutting down from anxiety overdrive.

So I imagine the side effects of depression would translate...
#8
General Discussion / Re: Freeze-Fawn Type
June 10, 2016, 06:25:19 PM
Dissociation allows the freeze type to disconnect from experiencing his abandonment pain, and protects him from risky social interactions - any of which might trigger feelings of being retraumatized. If you are a freeze type, you may seek refuge and comfort by dissociating in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right-brain-dominant activities like TV, online browsing and video games. Freeze types sometimes have or appear to have Attention Deficit Disorder [ADD]. They often master the art of changing the internal channel whenever inner experience becomes uncomfortable. When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality. And in worst case scenarios, they can decompensate into a schizophrenic experience like the main character in the book, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.

Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA (p. 118). Azure Coyote Publishing. Kindle Edition.
#9
General Discussion / Re: Personality Change
June 10, 2016, 05:52:21 PM
Quote from: Danaus plexippus on June 10, 2016, 05:08:02 PM
Yes, Chairmanmeow and then life knocks the stuffing out of us. I have changed a lot in almost every way. I miss the old me sometimes. She may not have been as "deep" but she was fun, trusting, energetic, interesting, outgoing, an all-around great gal. Now I'm suspicious, guarded and not easily amused. My life used to be exciting. Now I'm sitting here reading other people's problems and getting a good whine in myself occasionally.

Anxiety shuts down our emotional parts of our brain limiting our ability to feel, I feel it in particular when it comes to other people I am very social but when Im put in a anxious situation my interest in others vanishes and I have little to say. It makes me not myself, this is the nature of the depressive state of mind. If I had to bet under all this that person you miss is still here, just disconnected and more developed, because we grow empathy through experiencing out own suffering...
#10
General Discussion / Re: Freeze-Fawn Type
June 10, 2016, 05:42:38 PM
I think what makes them distinctive as far as self medication gos is attitude.
Are you passive and lean to a learned helplessness, a sort of self abandonment which is a freeze tendency, to resign..
Or to flight active escape, to get as far away by whatever means, it takes much more energy, and flight types find comfort in burning energy and movement even if it takes them no place, hence the OCD tendencies.
#12
General Discussion / Re: Personality Change
June 10, 2016, 03:32:04 PM
I only become more myself.
Experience generates depth in a person.
https://vimeo.com/123004006 this comes to mind...
#13
Quote from: Danaus plexippus on June 10, 2016, 03:10:33 PM
This morning I was sitting at the kitchen table staring at a cup of tea and wondering what the * to do with it as though I had only just landed on this planet. I have been titrating myself off Neurontin very, very slowly because of cognitive issues. It does not combine well with the other meds my psychiatrist has me on, resulting in confusional arousal http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/news/20140825/sleep-drunkenness-is-common-and-linked-to-other-behavior-issues The fog used to last all day. Now it lifts or at least becomes less thick by lunch time. I do still space out sometimes though, especially first thing in the morning. "What day is it? What do I have to do today? What is this nice hot, pleasant smelling, amber liquid in this handy container here in front of what I assume is me?"
Simulated dementia fun.. I was on some heavy doses of paxil for a few months put me in the brain chemistry of an alcoholic. Psychotropic medications I heard someone say once is like pouring and entire can of oil on a motor, sure it finds its way to the spot that needs fixing but ends up everywhere else as well...   
#14
My problem is more practical in nature, I am freeze type who dont need anyone to understand.
But when the physical effects of my anxiety disorder creep out of hand, the dissociative side effects the loss of memory, being physically Ill and lacking energy, not eating because my insides are messed up and my appetite is annihilated, or I become avoidance incarnate when my levels of anxiety cross a threshold and I just press on and do what I need to be doing and feeling like * while doing it... When your around people, have to work with a lot of people, these tendencies demand explanation or my to preform in a way that they cause no concern. Its allways fun when your boss assumes your on drugs and the real reason your sucking at your job that day had more to do with derealization, or people close to you plot to intervene in efforts to make your life better when all they do is pour gas on the fire, and you end up the jerk but explanation is beyond them.... its a real problem these days for me.
#15
General Discussion / Re: Freeze-Fawn Type
June 10, 2016, 03:02:57 PM
Actually the more I think the more sense you make lol
you can run from situations that are far enough to throw away, Flight
You cant run from situations that are close and your invested in, it sounds like you flight realize you cant go and thus you freeze.
Thats kinda how it seems to me..