Messages

Hi guys!
It's been a long time now since I've been on the forum. I hope everyone is doing ok.
My healing process has come a long way, which I'm proud of really. Things makes much more sense now. But I really struggle with extreme emotions when it comes to close friends. Like for years I didn't have friends, but now I'm fortunate to have found two good friends that understands what I struggle with, and accept me anyway. 
Even though I can talk to them about how I feel, and I never feel judged by them, I still find myself on this insane roller coaster of emotions! One minute I feel I can't live without them (!), and the next I feel anger towards them or even repulsion! And I have no idea why.. I mean WT*!?! Fortunately I do have the ability to restrain myself, and I'm not being rude or nasty to them. But the roller coaster is driving me crazy! Feeling anger is quite a new experience for me, so it is very overwhelming and triggering. I know I have to go through this anger phase. I just wish I wouldn't feel anger towards my friends, that have done nothing to deserve my anger. They've only been supportive and kind!
I'm so frustrated with myself... I hate these overpowering feelings!
Can anyone relate? I don't know how to handle this... it throws me into a dark hole, where I can't see any hope or future! I literally want to die! I know it's an extreme response, and totally out of proportion to the situation..

Armee; Thank you for your support and validation! At the moment I really need it, cause my Ic is incredibly harsh, more than ever before. I suspect that is because of all the shame my 3 year old part brings with it....
I haven't thought that the 3 year old actually must feel a bit safer, and that's why it chose to come out now... It does make sense.
Again, thank you!

Bach; Thank you! Acceptance is really hard for me... in basically every aspect of life! But I'm getting there... I hope!
Not being expected to love them, at least not right away, actually makes the thought of the whole process a little easier.
I do want to find ways to "coexist ", and figure out how I can have them in my life (without having to cut them off and suppress them.)

Rainydiary; Thank you so much for reading and commenting on my post... I was afraid it would be to triggering.
I haven't thought about asking my parts anything... Maybe that is a good place to start, as long as I'm not expected to love them right away. Sounds terrible, but I just can't. At least not for now... I really want to, so my goal is getting there some day.
Again thank you! I feel a little less alone now..

Big TW!!!!!!
Hate, violence description, inner children.
Please only read this if you feel strong enough to do so. I hope some of you are, cause I feel so lonely...
I've just discovered my 3 year old part. I've known about my 5 year old and 14 year old for a while. Kind of known about the 3 year old, but it has been as detached from me as any other toddler. It has always been outside of me, sort of speak. Now it takes over my body and inner experience, without me being able to control it. It is the worst sensation and feeling. My body is kind of itching from the inside. Can't stand being in my body, and want to tear it off. Shedding my skin, just like a snake. The frustration is overpowering. All the while I crave being held, comforted! I'm actually sucking my thumb!! The shame is killing me... When this is going on, I have these pictures, or more like a movie, in my head, where I can see myself being a toddler having a tantrum. And I'm with my therapist.. She is sort of the safest person for my younger parts, but I'm terrified this 3 year old will come out while being with her.... I just can't bare the shame of it.
Sometimes this "movie " change character, and I'm in this form of iron box, or more like a cell with iron walls and bars. I can't breath, becoming more and more panicked. Frantically pulling the bars to get out. Then something suddenly grab my leg, and start smashing me around with brutal force! My skull cracks open, every bone is crushed, and my skin torn of my body... the pain is just indescribable! And there is so much blood! But I don't die... I'm there to experience every ounce of pain there is to feel...
I was never, to my knowledge, physically abused as a child... stil this is playing in my head non-stop! I've always had a very deep sense of shame and self-loathing. Probably because  when I was little, my father looked at me as if I was this disgusting little insect he would be better of crushing to get rid of. My mum basically never looked at me, cause she spent almost all her time at work.
I know I need to start to take care of these parts, but I can't! I hate them so much, cause they make me feel like *, and makes my life unbearable.
Every feeble attempt to be nice to them just makes me wanna vomit, and I feel like a fool...
How to move on from here...? How can I start to view them differently? I have kind of "met up" with my 5 year old part, but she is so suspicious of me, and won't come near me... so I basically turn my back and walk away...
My heart and body are aching... I'm alone, cause no-one understands. I'm supposed to learn to self-sooth, but how is that possible when I hate those parts of me that need soothing so much...?
Forgive me for making this so long, and thank you so much if you've read through it all...

Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts about this, Zanzoken!
I appreciate it a lot!
I think you're right about how many psychiatrists just pull out prescriptions on medicines, instead of take all aspects of a persons story into consideration.
Fortunately I now have a psychiatrist that seem traumainformed, and even though trust is an issue, she seem to be trustworthy... that's the reason I dare to try it. Like you said, it will most likely not have any downside to give it a try. Been on it for a week now, and obviously can't feel any changes yet... I hope it will level out those pits of darkness that overpower me sometimes... that I won't fall so deep.
Anyways, thanks again! I always value other peoples experiences, cause it brings more understanding to my own situation! 

Yes.. that might be a good idea! Thank you! 

Thank you CactusFlower for your response... Yes I do believe it works for  a lot of people. But for someone who hasn't got bipolar disorder, would it be a good idea to try it?
Like, I have days where I function quite well, and on those days I feel quite confused about my situation. Do I have CPTSD at all? And then I get triggered, and feel suicidal, just like that. I've come to know these episodes as emotional flashbacks. And now I wonder if lamictal has an effect on flashbacks or not...

Hi all!
I have a question about Lamictal (Lamotrigine) which is a mood-stabiliser. It is normally used for treating bipolar disorder.
Does anyone on this forum, who have  CPTSD, any experience with it? My psychiatrist prescribed these today, and I thought I just give it a chance... but now I'm scared!
Anyone?

Hi Love-warrior! Thank you for your kind words, and for also sharing your experience. I think the more people share about these things the less shame will rule in our lives.

Kizzie and Pioneer: Thank you! 
It's amazing really, that a pill can have such great effect! Even though it's not the whole answer, it can defenetly be a part of the solution.
Really happy for you!

How awesome medication help you on your healing journey! Really happy for you! I have been very sceptical to any form of medication, but had the same experience as you after being admitted to the psych ward for suicide prevention. While getting talk-therapy for my depression, I also started on Bupropion, and I remember feeling like blocks of concrete had been removed from my legs! I could move again. But before this medication they did put me on something else, which made me feel even more like a zombie, and in addition had some disturbing side-effects.  I have some thoughts/questions about that, but I'll start a new thread.
Except for one comment I made a couple of days ago, I haven't been on the forum for a while..  I realise I really miss you all... 

Welcome! Happy to see you here! Hope you can find support on your journey here on this forum! I know I have! 

I'm sorry Jazzy, Bermuda and Sage, you had to experience that.

I've experienced being retraumatized by a psychologist who said if what I experienced should be classified as trauma, then what should she call the experiences of people that really had been traumatized? She got really annoyed with me... and I found myself regress more and more in sessions cause she triggered me so badly. Little me was so overwhelmed! She also got mad at me at some point for not getting better fast enough! When I brought up the possibility of me having CPTSD and not "just" depression, she got mad again, and said we had already talked about my childhood, so there were no need to do more of that. She also ended our time together, concluding I was lacking motivation, and that was my biggest problem!
I had sessions with her once a week for a little over one and a half years!
One could ask why I didn't leave her.... The madness in this is the attachment wound I have, caused me to be terrified of loosing her! What would happen then...?
Fortunately I now have both a psychiatrist and a physiotherapist with knowledge of trauma who validates my experiences, and I now officially have the diagnosis CPTSD.
For the first time in my life things are starting to make sense.
I've shared some of this stuff here on oots before... hope it's ok I did it again..

Well written!  Thank you for sharing!