Messages

Saylor,
Thank you for you kind words! And thank you for understanding for no one does. I have no one to talk to. I also tried years ago to talk to my father and my mother blamed me for him getting sick. Since then she will not allow me to speak to him on the phone. I too was made to feel that I hurt him and what was done to me was ignored. It just 5ook me longer to get to the place of cutting them off. Again, thank you.

Whew, first time telling this. I've carried this all of my life without telling it. I have so many questions and only healing will bring answers.
     I grew up in a home with an overbearing abusive (only to me, not mom or sibling) and an emotionally verbally, physically,abusive mother.
     The physical abuse was mainly from my father that began at age 6 and continued until age 13. Beatings. Not spankings. This was my daily routine. 3 times beating me until I lost conciousness.  To make matters worse, he was a commander in law enforcement, and a leader in his church. No one suspected because it was a secret. Mom told me to tell no one "because he would lose his job." She simply watched or left him to it and then spent my life telling me it was my fault.
     She shames me daily and nothing I did was good enough. She told me she was jealous of me when I was little because he paid more attention to me than she did him. She pointed out every flaw she thought I had. My acne and my weight were her favorites. I developed very early so she made fun of my having big breasts, I front of any family member that would listen. I weighed 98 pounds and yet I was fat according to her.
     When I began to notice boys I was called a slut, when I began to wear make up I was called a whore. This went on until I married and left the house. This is the tip of icebergs,  but you get the idea.
     I want to know why? Why do they blame you for having natural reactions to abuse such as anger? Why do they hurt who they are supposed to protect? Why did he not get caught? He was law enforcement?
     All of my life they made me believe it was all my fault. I never knew different until 6 months ago when a boss at work was in my face screaming and a light switch just shut off. I know now that is disassociating. I had a breakdown. I went to a doctor to find out what was wrong with me and after 3 docs, found out I have CPTSD,  among a couple other diagnoses.  The things looking back on my life in my reactions, decisions I had made, the many jobs I have held finally made sense and gave me a sense of being as normal as i could be. Not a broken thing i had always been made out to be.
     About a month ago, i finally cut ties with my parents after a horrifying blow up at their house over something as simple as my trying to show care for them during this virus thing. As a middle age adult i saw with adult eyes for the first time as they reverted to name calling and degrading me just as if i we re a child. I left. I've had no contact since. I have a calmness about that. But am not sure what to do now. I wonder if anyone has book suggestions that might have helped you. What is the next step I wonder?

Welcome! I'm so glad you are here! Like you, I am also new. I hope you find a place to be your authentic self here and find the answers you are looking for.

Hello,
I'm new here and am not sure what to write. Very scared, and also so happy to be here where someone gets me.
     I'm a middle age adult who has had CPTSD since childhood, but was diagnosed 6 months ago after what I learned the proper name for it was a trigger. I didn't know what was happening although I had had these same responses all of my life. This was just the one that landed me in the right doctors office who had experience with this. Finally my life made sense in learning about the diagnoses.
     I grew up in a home where both parents were, and still are narcissists. The abuse I suffered was physical,  mental, emotional,  spiritual. Not sure what else to say there.
     The only thing I have done since then to get help is read what I can on the subject and I can't find many books out there so far. I look so forward to getting understanding about this so I can begin healing. It's been a long time coming.