Messages

Hi Hope67,

Please do let us know how it goes. I've only just seen this and i'm more overwhelmed and anxious than usual right now so unable to take on any more learning.

Notalone - are you still in a vulnerable position eg can this man (or anyone else for that matter) possibly abuse you ? Sending you strength, support and love.

Based on the info you have given, that sounds like rape to me. If there had been consent beforehand - some people partake in this kind of role play - then it would have been different. I'm guessing that you were paralysed with fear and felt unable to resist ? If the man knew this and used his age & size to intimidate and scare you then that adds to the case for rape.

I hope you manage to work through this and find some peace.

OMG Panda, that was horrific abuse you experienced, you were treated most inhumanely by cowardly bullies. I admire you for having got through it. The dissociation is a common trauma injury, I know it can be a real problem, you'll find your own ways to cope with it on your healing journey. This is a safe place where you come and share, don't worry if it seems like 'word vomit' to you, you won't be judged here.

Go well on your journey Panda, i'd like to hear anything else you wish to share and any updates. You got friends here 

I very much relate to the feeling of wanting to feel loved by a mother but also wanting to shield yourself from her. It is a hard place to be.

This is indeed a deep and intense pain Bermuda, between a rock and a hard place, I feel it. I couldn't reconcile these two things for a long time but then I came to the realisation that I miss the Mum that I never had, I miss the Mum that I should have had. This has helped me go some way towards coming to terms with it. Also, getting in touch with the little boy inside and looking after him as best as I can helps, not that it solves the problem outright, long way to go for that.

Go well on your way Bermuda, would like to hear how you're doing, anything you want to share.

Since I wrote this post I have switched on notifications but failed to receive any so it would seem that feature isn't working. I'd like to request that Kizzie look into this please and also to make the notifications button much more visible and prominent, hardly anyone seems to know it is even available which is a shame.

Hi Deep Blue,

Good luck with everything. I'd be interested to hear how you're doing it eg by yourself, with a practitioner etc.

I totally get where you're at OceanStar, it can feel like a very lonely and barren place sometimes. I long ago gave up on expecting my mum (or any of the family) to be on my side, just listening to me would be a first ! I don't normally get further than a few words into my sentence before she butts in with her view and advises me on what to do even though I wasn't asking for advice. In the last few years there's been a lot of coming to terms with the hard facts that I am faced with which is that they are simply not there for me AT ALL. This has led to getting to know my inner child a lot more and the process of self parenting and I am also coming to terms with a lost childhood. As a result of this work I have gained a greater sense of self, it's been hard going but worth it. I agree that it's better to feel alone and burdened rather than the false hope of mum's love and I encourage you to keep going in any way that works for you.

Good luck and look forward to hearing how you're doing   

I get what you mean, OceanStar. I feel angry and sad when people talk about how great their mothers are. I will never know what it feels like to have a mother who loves me and wants me to be happy and well. I think the feeling of never having been loved as a mother's precious child is one of the deepest and most profound sadnesses that a person can know. I am sorry you have to know that sadness and I stand with you identifying and empathising.

Beautifully put Bach ! 

Hi blues_cruise,

Belated thank you for your reply, I only just found out how to activate notifications.

Indeed, any healthy parent would want their kids to fly the nest to make their own way in the world and that is an indicator of just how unhealthy my whole family are. But that's their problem, my challenge is moving forwards and breaking the trauma bond - which is really testing me. I had planned to move some weeks ago but I just couldn't do it, I know the reasons why I couldn't go ahead so I know what I have to work with. It may have just been to big a step for now so i'm figuring a better way forward whereby i'll hopefully have more support around me. When the abandonment anxiety hits me hard the scared lost little boy comes out and having kind supportive people around me is of great help but this is easier said than done. The cptsd injuries have left an adult who has great difficulty in managing relationships so that too is a work in progress. I'll get there, I just to be Persistant 

How are you doing ? It would be great to hear about you, anything you wish to share at all. Look forward to getting to know you.

Hi oceanstar,

I totally get where you're coming from and I feel your pain because i've been through it myself and am working my way out of the hole that I had dug myself into.

I too was convinced that everyone will hate me for "lying" and I too tried to portray a picture of normality because of the deep shame and guilt that was induced by trauma of my childhood experience. And I also worried about how will I explain to friends that I "lied" to them. But as I progressed with my work I stopped thinking ahead about this matter. Short answer is that I just got on with resolving the traumas and now i'm not bothered much at all about telling people that I tried to pretend everything was cool. I guess the increased self confidence came naturally as a result of "defrosting".

You'll find a way my friend  Great forces are on your side when you do this work. Let us know how you get on

Hi All,

Did you know that you can subscribe to a post and receive email notifications if there are replies to that post ? And you can subscribe to a particular reply and receive email notification of replies to that specific one only.

Here's the Usr Manual for future ref - https://wiki.simplemachines.org/smf/Category:As_a_regular_user

How to Subscribe to a Topic from that Usr Manual - https://wiki.simplemachines.org/smf/Notifications -

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Using Notifications
Subscribing to a Topic

There are two ways to subscribe to a topic:

    When you are posting a reply, under Attachments and other options, you may check the Notify me of replies box.
    When you are viewing the topic, you may select the Notify button at the top or bottom of the page. You will be asked if you are sure, select OK to confirm the subscription.

Subscribing to a Board

To subscribe to a board, you may select the Notify button at the top or bottom of the Message Index of the respective board.

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I invite you all to do this because so many posts fizzle out after a day or two which is a shame. However if you know when someone has replied you can at least choose to go read it and reply, at the moment you can but check in at random which may mean missing out on replies. It's important on a forum like this that we can build lasting supportive relationships and the ability to follow a topic in a timely fashion helps a great deal to that end.

Hi bikesandplants,

I think a lot of us are in a very similar position to you, I definitely empathise ! From my own experience I found that knowing what I feel, and think, the difficulty in trusting, diminished sense of self etc., all resulted from trauma. The faculties that enable feeling, trust etc were all frozen and I began to gently thaw them out. The tools recommended by rainydiary are great, good luck with them.

Another thing I found moving on from naming my feelings was asking myself why I feel this way. Doing that really helped to clarify the names of the feelings so it meant back peddling a bit and re-naming them but i'm comfortable with that. It really helped me to establish my own sense of agency and with it came more confidence and a reduction in the explosions of anger etc. I've still a long way to go but i'm getting there.

Good luck with whatever you decide, keep me posted, would be great to hear how you're doing.

Hi C.

Sorry to hear of the abuse you sufferred, I totally understand where you're coming from. Coming to terms with denial was also a phase that I have been through, many times I ask why I did that but I have come to understand that it was self defence. I was protecting my inner child, acknowledging him and loving him has been very soothing. And I really get the nature of the gaslighting via emotional/verbal/weird behaviour, this is truly insidious. Good on you for reaching out to DV hotline, get help from wherever you can. Great to hear also that you have created a support network for yourself, i'm going thru a very similar process with mixed results, I hope I get settled in this respect.

Keep going C., you're doing great. Let us know how it goes.

[real good]

Hi Bella,

Sorry to hear it's such a rough ride for you at times, i'm pretty much the same although i've never felt suicidal. That aside it's an absolutely roller coster ride for me, it's been that way all my life. I wonder also what other people think of me and these big changes in my moods, do they think i'm mad ? Does it put them off talking to me ? Is that why I have very few friends ?

I try to stick to my guns in terms of being clear and identifying what i'm feeling and why, that generally helps the storm to subside. And then I often just try to be with my inner child and love him and nurture him. He's a lovely sweet little boy whose been badly injured, wasn't his fault. Angering at the narcs who got to me feels good, real good ! Healthy righteous anger is healing and empowering.

I'm sure you'll find your way Bella. Remember you're not alone in this place, there's some really good souls here. Let us know how you're doing.