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Messages - Bermuda

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1
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three Good Things Today - Part 7
« on: November 01, 2022, 03:09:07 PM »
I felt silly for a moment yesterday. I can't remember last time I felt goofy and childlike.

I am constantly reminded that the world is changing. Many of the more commonplace occurrences in the childhood of people of my age are no longer accepted as normal. That makes me feel understood.

I ate a bag of crisps today. It was a me-time moment well spent. I never buy myself treats. It felt special.

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Poetry & Creative Writing / Shhh
« on: October 28, 2022, 05:52:03 PM »
This isn't the real me. I remember when she died.

I was a spirited child, and now I am just the spirit of the child who was broken by a rod of my own choosing.

I made my bed. I tidied my toys. I did the washing, and I hung myself out on the line. I did everything I could do only to disappoint them. I cried until I sighed and wasted my tears until they wasted away and left with the rest of --me.

1st year was a respite from enclusure I kept myself in from Them. No one could hurt her there. -There was nursery rhyme and dance and she chatted away quite carelessly, both seen and heard and regrettably so until the voice was taken from her mouth by force. The short safe-haven of self-expression shattered along with self. Not even a whisper of her lives anymore within this unwavering adherence to quiet time.

I spy glimpses of her face in those of strangers in passing, but she passed a while ago now and left this temple in ruin.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1
« on: October 28, 2022, 04:54:36 PM »
It's true. I also feel deeply empathetic and emotionally invested in the injustices of others to the point that it can feel overwhelming. I can't watch graphic movies.

And like you I have wondered... My own SA is something that I had literally forgotten. Maybe it just didn't make my top 500 worst worth-remembering traumas. At the time I got on with life. My brain filed it in the "Nothing can be done, sort it out later" pile. I always related to that type of trauma, even though I couldn't place why. I couldn't question the situation. I had no power in it.

It's hard to watch other people go through things. I would never treat their experiences as I do my own. "There's nothing you can change, so it doesn't matter or exist, or even effect you at all." ...But that's what my brain reinforces for myself all the time. Sometimes it's the most insignificant things that I wish I could simply let exist that I can't (until the facade crumbles, of course). Medical things, I am so afraid of authority and of someone telling me they see nothing wrong that I would rather not check, not ask, not experience at all. I can't allow myself, or will myself to experience things with certainty, and quite ironically people take me as a liar because of this. I have been accused of lying about the strangest things just because of how timid I am.

There was a fuel fire in the harbour where a boat I owned was. I upsettedly told my coworker that I needed to call and check on my boat, and she looked me in the eyes and told me I was lying and that I don't even own a boat. So many examples of this kind of thing. Every time I am shocked and confused, and you know what, I never stick up for myself either. I just shut up like a good girl and move on. My yacht was covered in black soot but was otherwise fine by the way. What emotion was I supposed to portray, and to what extent? My very presence usually feels like too much. (Just like the length of this text, sorry.)

I look up to people who are unabashedly themselves. People who have a distinct style, or speak up about things they're passionate about even if I am not. I see someone walking down the street with wild hair dancing while they walk, I just want to celebrate, but I am not that. I am wishy-washy, shifty-eyed, I cross my arms (which I've been told makes me come across as arrogant), I speak about myself as if I don't even believe me. I want to be powerful. I want to command an audience... I can't even tell you if my shoulder hurts because that's relative and experiences can never be objective, and I don't want to take your attention away from real people with real problems.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1
« on: October 28, 2022, 11:19:51 AM »
I question myself a lot. I question myself in ways that I don't think other people do. The little things that hinder my progress run so deeply.

An example: I injure myself. I question if the pain I am feeling is actually real. If I am crazy. I seek outside opinion to validate if what I am feeling is consistent with how one should feel in such a situation. I feel dramatic if something presents differently than it "should" so I just ignore it because it's not real.

That's just one example of a really deep rooted issue that I just don't know how to address. I was overhearing a business meeting and a female employee was leading the conversation on a professional topic and I just felt shocked. How is it that other women can voice opinions and speak with authority on anything? That's what triggered this thought. I can't offer my opinion as anything other than just an opinion. I can't present my experiences as fact. It's not that I lack competence in anything, but I just don't know how to speak when I'm not spoken to, to speak when a question hasn't been asked. I don't even know how to feel until I am told how I am supposed to feel.  I don't know how to just be.  ???

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Other / Re: Our Wonderful Healing Porch - Part 7
« on: October 22, 2022, 11:34:07 AM »
I've decided to climb down from the branch that cradled and shadowed me. I no longer have to watch the sparks shoot off the fire and dance around me until they slowly die out to know they will die out.

I'd rather warm myself by the embers and poke around in the ashes. I'd rather sit in silence among others, alike or not at all. I want to eat vegan s'mores, even if they've never been my favourite. Marshmallow and Graham cracker only. Maybe someone prefers theirs with double chocolate and will be grateful for me and my peculiarities. Or maybe not. Either way, I am content to sit in silence at a reasonable distance to observe and suppose.

6
General Discussion / Re: Sayings and idioms, and overcoming them.
« on: October 22, 2022, 08:50:45 AM »
I know I am late to reply, but yes. My family was more into the appearance and acting the part than being. I was just a non-paid extra in their scenes.

There's a movie called The Private Lives of Pippa Lee, that always resonated with me. In one scene her (unwell) mother is going out with the children so she dresses them all up and has them walk in a line with her by their side smiling as if they are The Brady Bunch...

It is so common and now as an adult I believe I am an expert at spotting this odd abusive behaviour in public.

Anyway, you deserved better!

7
Poetry & Creative Writing / SMATTCWOMDAS
« on: October 22, 2022, 08:24:12 AM »
-Social Media and Trauma: Two Cents Worth of my Dissertation; A Soliloquy-
SMATTCWOMDAS, for short.

I was recently on social media, and someone shared a post from someone else saying that social media is all lies and that the happier someone seems the sadder they really are. This person I follow disagreed and wrote about their experience with social media, and also about how always assuming bad in people is unhealthy and unhelpful. Very true. It made me think about how I use social media.

I am an honest person, some may argue to a fault. I was very late to join Myspace when it was created. In the early stages it was a lot of people bashing other people, the father of their children, that one waitress who can't count, people who live differently. That coupled with females trying to promote themselves in ways that made me uncomfortable... It was a dark and sad place. Darksadspace just isn't as catchy as Myspace, and I didn't want more darkness in my actual space.

I was still in the thick of it with my own life, I definitely couldn't cope with that.

Jumping backward in text, I replied to this repost about social media. Social media is helpful to me. I said something that I realised mid-sentence may not be relateable to everyone. I go back on posts from 15 years ago when I am feeling like my life isn't real. When things are just a story or a feeling and then I can put a picture to it. I can add a caption to my ghost feelings. In only a couple words I feel all of the feelings that connect me to that moment, and it makes me feel real again. I was there. Life has happened and is still happening.

I am not sentimental, actually if I knew an antonym for sentimental it would likely better suit me. My mother (That which we call a thorn, by any other name would pierce so deep.) used to scrapbook. She actively created memories. She collected, modified, and decorated them, added a narrative that would otherwise be lacking heart. She tried to turn her bed of thorns into roses, and she made me help her. She created stories to pass on, not real information.

I am honest. I don't need to share every thought. I can say I am sad without being cruel. I can be happy without being relateable. I don't have a large following. My accounts are privated and secured with aliases, padlocks, and rings of fire... But I am me, and when I am having momentary lapses in personalization and realization it's easy to reference the internet of me. Social media in all of its darkness can also be profoundly meaningful and mundane.

I took a picture of a mushroom, of a tree, and brambles, a path that an animal carved before me. I added a caption. It was not for anyone else. It was for me. It was me. I remember that I like secret passsages, escape routes. I remember the smell. I was there with the mushrooms and got a hole in my shoe, the squishing mud between my toes. I exist. I am valid.

Hashtags for irony. #youregrounded #selfvalidation #adreamwithinadream #derealizationdoesntexist

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Recovery Journals / Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1
« on: July 08, 2022, 02:56:47 PM »
It's almost as if your mind tells you when someone threatens you if you act not threatened and instead play along that somehow you're taking THEIR power over you away... but that's not really true is it? It's just what your mind tells you to lesson the desperate nature of the situation, to save your brain.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1
« on: July 06, 2022, 02:44:51 PM »
Hello, I haven't posted in a while. It's a good thing. I have been doing really well. I owe a lot of it to this forum. Sometimes, things happen and I wonder if it was all real, and I can read back over things here and remember.

I just want to get out a memory that just surfaced out of no where. I won't write details because it just resurfaced, and I don't feel comfortable with it. Sometimes I get triggered by things like opening Netflix and they have a clip playing already, and you can't stop it. That happened today. It was a clip from a new docu series which is (seemingly) about cyber sexual extortion. It made me immediately sick, and I closed it. Sometimes I get this feeling like I can relate to people even though I can't recall an instance, I just know it is there. This memory was not like that, it just flooded me in an instant, and I know I will be feeling sick all night because of it. Yes, that happened to me too, and at the time I played along and pretended I enjoyed it, just like I do in my night terrors. I acted and manipulated my way through it.

I also have this feeling lately that I want to write out, maybe someone understands. My son is three, and he is non-verbal. He wanders. I recently got him a bracelet with his name and our phone numbers on it. I live in a very safe country. One time he ran happily out of a shop, and luckily this man unloading a delivery truck caught him and picked him up. My son was so happy, and the man just smiled and asked if he wanted to help unload boxes. My son loves trucks and nodded. I was there at this point, and the guy was being helpful, but oh my goodness. The horror. All of my insides turning all at once. My son loves everyone, and is adventurous and non-verbal. I have started having concerns, extreme worry. He goes to preschool, has a nanny... Any time he is sad and doesn't want to go to school, I have this sick feeling that something terrible could be happening to him and he couldn't tell me. I don't know what I would do.

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Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Being independent
« on: March 23, 2022, 10:37:58 AM »
I am just going to come out and say it... I don't like my marriage.

I read this Wiki page on how to be a strong independent woman, and it was quite upsetting. They make it sound so simple, as if you just wake up each morning and make a choice to stand up for yourself and be empowered.

1. Practice assertiveness
2. Don't compare yourself to other women
3. Set clear boundaries
4. Stand up for yourself
5. Believe in yourself
6. Let people know when they have hurt your feelings
7. Address disrespectful and offensive comments
8. Learn to recognise codependency

Is it just me or is this list actually a list of how to spot a relational trauma survivor? I'm simply not an equal.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1
« on: March 13, 2022, 09:51:44 PM »
On the same topic of instinct, intuition, boundaries, and reaction... I can't think of what it is I want to express here, aside from expressing it in a common dialog that has happened several ways over the years. It's something I feel sums up what it's like with cPTSD related to long-term trauma...

Them: Hey, how are you doing?
Me: I'm doing great. [Big smile] Feeling energetic, and I accomplished that thing.
Them: [Looking confused] Are you sure?
Me: Of course, why?
Them: Because that one thing that someone made happen/said/did.
Me: [Realisation and panic] Oh, yes, that. I'm fine.

I walk away shattered, triggered, and shrunken.

I don't realise things are wrong. I may have a feeling deep down, but not a conscious recognition. It's as if I don't have boundaries, because I don't have expectation. I just have my own feelings and they are many and often conflicting anyhow. I am triggered when I have this delayed cognitive recognition. It does seem to have it's foundation in a lack of instinct, or with cPTSD often rather a misplaced and heightened instinct in other facets.

I could probably rewrite this in a more comprehensive way, but I literally have no time these days. I can only hope that this somehow makes sense in the order it naturally came out.

Additionally just wanted to say that the other person either thinks I'm pretending to be OK, or that I am really ignorant or naive when these things happen. I have been told several times that I am the most intelligent idiot someone has ever met. ...It may be true, but I'm neither pretending nor naive.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« on: March 09, 2022, 09:10:54 AM »
Happy birthday Armee! :) I am always late to the party. I hope you have a great day.

I know I am late but, I also experienced voices... Mostly way back when I was still experiencing the trauma in a very real way. I think it is a somewhat normal abnormality, albeit frightening and strange. Mine always sounded like they were whispering through a police radio. Brains are peculiar things.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1
« on: March 09, 2022, 08:53:34 AM »
Thank you two,

Armee, you are really on to something with your presumption about instincts. That is it. People act instinctually, they act and react. I see it all the time when I don't understand why people behave how they do, and it's also exactly what I am talking about here. I don't understand when something is a joke, or know how to just express what I feel would be my natural expression of self. I am missing natural instinct and intuition.

I learned not to react, not to express, and not to desire.

Now that I have made this connection to instinct, I hope it's something I can work toward mending so I can get to know myself better and maybe share that with others. That's all I want after all, connection. ...And how can someone connect to someone who expresses themself so... incomplete?  :spooked:

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Recovery Journals / Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1
« on: March 08, 2022, 06:14:24 AM »
I want to play. My grandmother was right in a sense. My body doesn't allow me to be active and wild in the way I would like to be, but she was wrong in her presumption that I am delicate because I am female. I wish I could do all the things that I was taught little girls ought not to. I want to climb a tree, play rough, etc. I AM that person.

When it comes to laughing, smiling, being silly, goofing off, joking, that's where I falter. I don't understand jokes, or when things are a joke. I rarely smile. I even see my partner being silly and playing, and I try to mimic that and be a ferocious tickle monster, but I can't. My little one would stop laughing and look at me weird.

I want to joke. People in the past asked me if I know any good jokes, and I don't know any jokes, and I certainly couldn't deliver one. I know these little things sound trivial, but to me they really are the things that make me feel alien.

I think I am naturally a weird goofy energetic artsy person, but I only know how to express myself as a quiet motivated robot. My outside does not reflect my inside.

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Introductory Post / Re: Hi
« on: March 08, 2022, 05:54:32 AM »
Hi there, welcome to the forum. :)

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