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Messages - Sparky

#1
Inner Child Work / Re: Keeping the various Me's apart.
August 01, 2020, 01:57:13 AM
I think the 11-12 year me would like me. He is who I hope I can become and am working on that. The 5-6 year me would like me because unlike my parents I would enjoy time with him and do things we both enjoy, because we enjoy the same things.
This all I would hope to happen.
#2
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Inner Critic
July 31, 2020, 11:05:23 PM
So as much of you all have or have had a very strong inner critic I do too. It sucks  that it is so common all over the world put on us by out parents and society.

Mine made me a perfectionist at my work,even though I work alone 95% of the time. It made me work long hours just prove myself to others. It made me take slights from others or rejections from others so seriously.

My inner critic made me hate myself. Every mistakes blown out of proportion. All this running in the back ground of my mind over the years. Putting me down, telling me I'm not good enough, telling me I'm going to *,etc. This inner critic, installed in me by my parents,made me fear God and my wife. What they think about me. It made me fear liking myself.

Over the last 2years of searching and therapy I learned that the inner critic was the worst person I ever knew. It hated me with a deep passion. It hated me for what I had done. It hated me because I might have blasphemed the Holy Ghost. That fear of doing that and missing out on a true Father,one so much better than the one that brought me into this world.

This inner critic would tell me all sorts of horrible things about myself. Things that I would hate if another person saids those things to anyone else. Just vehement hatred. There is a word in the KJV that Jesus says and it was said over and over in my mind against me.

Raca!!!
#3
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Feeling good
July 31, 2020, 10:53:52 PM
So this is only second post,but I would like to start this with feeling good. Just left therapy and we did some EMDR on feeling good about myself. My parents never wanted me to or supported me in feeling good about myself. They actually put me down so many times when I did with sayings of "Get off your high horse" and etc. I was too prideful if I felt good about myself.

Well I have started to fight that family of origin junk. I was once in Boy Scouts and really embraced the whole "Creed". I was trustworthy,kind and all the rest. This made me feel good. I was doing something that felt right,felt good and I liked myself for it. I wasn't prideful,I was just happy. I was light and felt light. No weight on my shoulders.

So not thru Pete Walkers books and many others and also including my therapist I have started to get back to what I felt then. I enjoy being happy with myself. Do I make mistakes,of course,but I can and will learn. I can be a wonderful husband and father to my kids, unlike my parents. I can support them,have empathy, love and above all just a wonderful attitude. Just enjoy life.

I feel good about myself for the first time in 35 years and it's GREAT.
Hope you all can come to love yourself and have compassion on yourself because life is hard and for the most part our parents suck. Me included,but I can and will get better.
#4
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Introductory Post
July 21, 2020, 02:54:18 AM
Hello
This is my first post here. Although I have read some of your stories, my abuse suffered as a child was one of neglect. There was some corporal punishment,but not much. My heart aches for those that have suffered so more than I. I have family and friends that suffered much more than I,but I know that doesn't mean I didn't suffer.

I was born and raised the first 14-15 years of my life on a religious cult in the 70's and 80's and had parents that were completely unemotional and without support other than what little clothes and food they could afford. The cult had a single ruler who had control over most all ways of life, and if he did not then his wife did. He received all money from my dad and other dad's hard work. He had power to tell my parents how much and what they could buy.

My parents never supported me with either emotional or physical love at all. I was one of 7,the middle child, and my mother just had to survive. There was never any praise for me or even showing that they were happy for me in anything. No attention paid to school grades or even if I went. I went to 12-13 different schools before I dropped out after my junior year.

To finish up this first post.  I had good feelings,or what I thought were feelings, up until the last 2 years about my parents and childhood. I had a few bad memories,but nothing that made me think I was abused. I am 47 now and spent most of my 20's back with the cult leader trying to either be my dad or approved of the leader. All the time thinking he loved and cared for me. Thankfully thru therapy and EMDR I have discovered that he didn't and neither did my parents. I was a after thought.