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Here is a link to some sketches I've done this week. It's a great thing to do each morning, and really helps me to connect to the day and find calm in myself. Any comments are most welcome. I hope it can bring some light into your day too! 

https://niume.com/post/336597

Thanks very much! Glad you like them. 

Sharing some more of my weekly sketches for anyone who would like a look. It's all stuff from daily life; so plants, buildings, views and such. Nothing scary or emotional, don't worry!

Enjoy!

https://niume.com/post/331778

I love the work!

I especially like the 'messier' ones, they have come out really nice.

Hey guys,

I'm a cptsd sufferer and am going through the motions of adjusting to my new life with all the new details about myself and my past. It's been a rough ride this past 5 years, but I'm starting to see more calm and even peace at times.

I wanted to share with you some sketches I do in the week. My aim is to share them on here weekly, so you guys can have a look if you like. I just sketch the outdoors, so its all calm and peaceful drawings. Feel free to comment or not; I just wanted to share to offer a bit of peace to you guys too.

I can't recommend sketching or doodling enough! I do it every day before work, and on weekends too sometimes. You can't think much when sketching, so it calms you no end!

Thanks guys. Keep up the great work I see everywhere on this forum!


The blog - https://niume.com/post/323130

I wrote this email today in wanting to share it with a friend. I was pretty happy with it, and wanted to share it here. Its quite long, but I hope a part of it can be of some use or comfort to others too:

Oh, I'm 27, was married, now separated with a completely different life, 2+ years on from uncovering my partners affair with a close friend (at the time).


The email:


I've got some time today so I wanted to write you an email, and to address some of the things you've emailed about before. I think I'm going to stick to just talking about my experiences and myself, instead of giving 'advice' or commenting on your situation. I've recently read in my cptsd book, if people don't ask for advice, be very cautious to give it! Ooops for my whole life... haha!


For me, relationships of all kinds are tough. I remember when my ex left me and I lost a huge amount of friends, I had an overriding feeling that I just couldnt be arsed with people any more, and would much rather become a monk and live in the woods. I felt pretty strongly that many things had gone wrong, that so many people were out to get me, couldn't be trusted, that I was *, worthless and so on. I had a lot of hate too, hate towards those people, towards life, towards myself. Hate is a horrible feeling, and it always wants vengance. I wanted the whole world to know what had gone on, and what bad things had happened, and I was indignant at people, friends of friends, so on, who weren't 'on my side'. It was a pretty * state of feeling and mind really. But I also felt at that time that I did want something new, that I did deserve something, but I wasn't sure what.

Looking back now I can see that I was 'out of balance'. I couldn't see it at the time, but now I see that I entered the relationship with my ex, and with my other now past friends, from a bad angle, from the wrong perspective. This meant that the relationship process was a certain way, creating something, giving something, resulting in something, and that was unchangeable. A lot of hurt and anger at the beginning was from this unchangeable nature of the situation. But it hurt so much because I believed I had entered from a point of balance, a positive and loving place, and so I was so appalled with the outcome. I felt hugely hard-done-by, because to me things had veered violently of course, massively. Like, from a nice pleasant car ride to sudddenly hitting a brick wall at a thousand miles an hour.

A big change came for me when I was in therapy, and looking into things myself. It came from that 'I want something new' feeling, which when I felt * was said in a 'I can't take this any more!' voice. So in great pain and in moderate times, the message was always, the old is enough, I want something new and change. The change was when I came across the idea and meaning of the game 'victim'. I think I've said before, but 'games' are just thoughts and behaviours that skip around and avoid real connection and feeling, and just play out like a game of some kind, but which are never resolved. Initially I revelled in seeing how others I had known played this game, and how I could see that behaviour and recognise it quite clearly after a time. But then...ot oh...a little voice said...you play the game too! And that voice, combined with wanting something new, lead me to take on that I made myself a victim, I played the victim game.

Even thinking of it now, my brain flips into gear and starts saying all sorts! The victim game is different from being a true victim of certain events. A true victim is when you are a victim of some hurt or situation, which is not your fault, and you need and deserve compassion, care and a hug. The victim game doesnt care how much compassion, care and hugs it gets, its not going to live again any time soon!

One day, I can't remember what fully gave me the resolve, but I decided to not be a victim, to not play that role. I wanted a life, my own life, where I didnt feel like a victim. I didn't know how the * I was going to do it, but its what I wanted.

So, much bad had happened, and that was sad, and I rightly felt sorry for myself, and angry at the others who caused it. I also recieved compassion and kindness, which was really nice. This is the point where the victim game keeps going, and where not playing the game changes my usual pattern. I had to look at what happened, and really look. My overall thought was 'I dont want this to happen again'. This was in many fears, thoughts and worries, but that is what they all pointed towards. From bits that I knew about my past back then, I thought it a good idea to read up about relationships, and read some relationship 'self-help' books. This was tough and upsetting, as I had to admit that I wasn't very good at relationships, or at least that I needed to read up about it. I read quite a lot of these types of books, and they were all very upsetting. They made me see more and more that i had entered the relationships and friendships from a negative stance, from an unbalanced place, and that I didn't have much good advice, experience or behaviour to copy. I could then slowly see that all these factors resulted in the 'final show' of how my relationship and friendships ended. I had played a part too, I had done many things wrong too. Not that it made anything 'my fault', it wasn't about that. Its done and in the dirt now, so I felt less and less protective over my role. I'm still seeing things that 'didn't help' now, and I'm sure it will continue.

The awesome thing was that I could actually learn stuff from these books. I learnt what a healthy relationship was, what to go towards, what to avoid, lots of tips and help...it was great! I finally felt empowered, like I was creating something really useful for myself. I wasnt a victim any more! The past didnt matter! It was such an amazing feeling. Yes, many of the steps brought a lot of pain. I had to admit my 'lack' or my 'not knowing', which was a big blow to my ego. I felt very ashamed and very embarassed a lot, like a University Professor who had to go and re-sit a gsce maths paper, and finds that he really struggles. Gosh, what a calamity!

I guess I thought I was 'good' at relationships. In truth I'm seeing more and more that I was good at, and am good at, 'fawning'. That just means giving someone else what they want. Thats not a relationship at all. But thats upsetting, as the roots of that issue are in pain also.

The awesome thing about not being a victim, and looking at all the areas I went wrong, had difficulties with, didnt understand, meant that I really could fix them, for real. And move on, for real. It was also great as it didnt involve my ex any more, or my old friends. This was my life, me doing something for myself, and thoughts, focus and anger/pain over them slowly faded away. I'd say at this point even saying 'my ex' is odd, as that feels like quite a long time ago.

Its true that if I look back and think over my relationship with my ex, or my then-best-friend, then I can fall into thinking negative or angry...but really there is no reason to any more. I did something about it, I learnt, found support, found out where I went wrong, found out what I wanted. It really doesn't matter much any more. I also have put to use the new things I learnt, and am still learning. I now love to learn about stuff like that, its so helpful and useful. Yes, sometimes I feel silly or lame reading 'another' self help book or looking at odd 'wikihow' type websites, but its all good stuff, theres always a little gem in everything. Its true too that I feel a lot of pain from reading and learning, sometimes for days on end. It makes me realise something upsetting or sensitive, and so I feel sad or bad. But I feel better again after some comfort, and continue with it. I don't see myself as a victim at all now, not overall.

I remember thinking and feeling when I first started 'not being a victim', or when I was still playing the victim game, that looking and focussing on myself, and the problems, issues, difficulties that I had, that it felt like being punched really hard in the face, or stomped on all over. I'd be like, 'I feel like *, why do I want to look at how bad I was?!'. But I realised that too was a victim response! I had a 'I've got you!' moment, when I realised that I was victim-gaming out of a possible end to victim-gaming. I had a point, as really I had to take the road with care and kindness. It wasn't about listing my faults, it was about learning and healing. Also, those first steps really did feel like being punched all over, it was horrible. But looking back now I can see the better imagery was that I was actually peeling off old and rotten bandages, ones that I had put on years ago and had moulded to my skin. They hadn't been changed, or cleaned or dealt with, so they had just festered. When the time came to take them off, to allow the wounds to breathe and heal, and have new bandages placed on, then that really * hurt, and the doctor/nurse looked like a right *! However, in time, they have healed a great deal.

Even as I write now I can hear that little voice saying 'does this not apply to my childhood too?'. I guess it applies to every difficulty, every wound. But I feel I'm used to not playing any victim game with myself any more, that has become the norm. So any problem I will face with the full attitude and attempt to heal, because I feel very much that I deserve that.

Thanks for sharing obscured, really good to read. Awesome work! 

I can relate a great deal. I often feel that way too, and have similar difficulties. I agree too, its very hard to talk about or put across in a way that others can understand.
I feel that I too am in a situation like yourself, one of growth and exploration! 

I was thinking the other day about how there is a positive of this difficulty, and that is that in some ways we are able to connect to those parts of ourselves. We know about and work with our inner lives. Many people don't get that, or even know that exists. They would be a 'I am this, I like this' type person (usually a social 'norm') and that is that for them. We know thats not the case, and so have great opportunity to grow and learn.

As I move forward I can see more and more that the different parts (I call them fragments) are all me. I can just about glimpse that at times now. On a day to day level then I see me, I guess the 'normal' part like you say, and then I have other characters that I am inspired by. For example, I would read a book because one of the characters would like it, and I want to be like them because it feels nice, so I read it. All of the characters are so awesome though! Well, now I'm feeling much better and worked through a lot...which means I think I'm awesome!  But, that doesn't make too much sense to me at the moment.

Good luck with it all! 

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry you had such experiences. 
I hope you can cultivate love in your life now, and it can help heal any hurt in you.

I really like the visualisation idea, and I do something similar myself. I find self-talk is always very helpful. I also tell my inner child that he (and she, as I'm sometimes both or either) can talk and say anything any time, and I'll always listen. It took a while to get into the habit of saying this, and not feeling odd or freaking out. Now I feel that sense of inner child in many situations, and some positive and funny too.  Of course, many are sad and very difficult too.
I can have such experiences buying food, watching tv, out on a walk...anywhere. Sometimes my inner child's comments are really cool and/or funny too! It makes me realise I was awesome as a kid! 

Good luck with it all. 

Indigo:

I'm glad you feel connected too, thats real good to hear! 
Yea, I can understand and relate about seeing everyone as potentially dangerous. I'm sorry to hear about it too.

I'm sorry to hear your creativity is blocked, that must be hard. I've felt that way at some points in my life, and for me it has just slowly eased away by taking a gentle and nice approach to it. Yea, I can relate that things don't sound too scary once you are out of it. I guess with the art approach that happens a bit too. At the start of drawing or creating something its really scary and highly charged, and by the time you've finished you feel much calmer and much more open about the subject. Drawing or creating based on dreams sounds awesome too! A really cool project!

Good luck with it all. 

Flyingfree:
I'm sorry to hear about your nightmares. I suffer from that too, for quite a few years now. As you say, they can be really quite destructive to the day. I can find myself lost in mulling over the dream or the situation hours after waking up. I find the mornings so confusing and unusual too, and with a difficult dream this becomes much worse. Something that has helped, that I've just started doing, is when I wake up I do a meditation love practice. Its to imagine a small Golden orb/circle in your chest, which is love for yourself, and you slowly watch it grow larger and larger, until the glow covers your whole body. If you can concentrate on this growing glow, and let all other thoughts come and go, then thats the meditation part I guess. It gives feelings of love to the morning, and kind of balances the weird/nastiness of any nightmares and dreams.


Indigo:
I too have a symbolic connection to Nazis. I wonder if its a common theme for those who have suffered trauma. I've always found it odd that I've had that, like you say, that the Nazis are somehow 'out to get you'. Thanks very much for sharing, it makes me feel more connected. 
P.S - Have you done any artwork on this before? I paint historical figurines for a living, so I've painted many WW2 Germans and quite a few 'Nazi' types. Its quite a weird and scary experience sometimes, but I feel its helped me to explore the Historical event, and set myself aside from that a little. 

Thanks guys, thanks for the messages.

Yea, I'm looking forward to exploring the site more and contributing too, it seems really nice. 

seriousann333, thanks for your comments. I meditate too, using 'Headspace' online website, I couldn't recommend it enough. Its been a real help in turning myself around for a better outlook and perspective, plus its got me meditating every day now which is a really nice routine.
Your job sounds cool and really like a good thing to contribute and help with. It sounds difficult too, I guess you experience and hear lots of difficult things. Yea, I know what you mean about finding the teaching and the help. I feel more and more that you teach yourself internally, if you are connected to it like you are, and what that forms into or what shape that takes, is not so important. It could be learning from a book, from others in some form, from learning a craft, learning a recipe...whatever really. I agree it can be really scary when you're not sure of 'what is next', but I believe the next right thing will always come around, with a little patience.

Take care too guys

Hey guys,

I wanted to share with you a daily experience I have and I wondered if anyone else has something similar.

I daily hallucinate and/or fall into trances. The hallucinations are usually quite brief, and not overpowering all that is going on, so they aren't that obstructive most of the time. The trances I fall into, mostly by accident, are always nice and pleasant, and leave me feeling warm.

Something that I've been working on recently is certain 'characters' who are present in my dreams and hallucinations. They represent certain ideas, sometimes certain feelings. They are always with something that I couldn't feel or think myself, and so are overall a great great help. I feel very thankful. I understand them spiritually in my own way. Many times it feels that I literally confront my deamons, as they come and meet me and sit with me or stare at me or something. It is terrifying, but also very rewarding, as they never mean harm, and often bring powerful messages.

I used to find it all very scary and hard, but its much easier now. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else can relate, and what they do.

Thanks guys.

Hey guys,

I've felt that I wanted to try with an online cptsd community for a while, and today I decided to write a post.

I'm a 27 year old male, living with a lovely partner, with a real nice job, trying to get a divorce from my 'wife', living for 2 years now with flashbacks and real emotional difficulty. I've had depression since I was 20/21, which went on for a few years until I had an experience around 2 years ago where I started to remember various odd parts about my childhood. I went and found therapy, which was a big help, but very quickly my ex-wife left me and cheated on me with my ex best friend. I lost my home, pretty much all my friends, and all money. I also haven't seen or spoken to my parents since then either.

It was a crazy 2 years, but a real turn around too. I felt a lot of grace, a lot of love, and I managed to get myself back on my feet. I feel now I can live quite well day to day. My depression isn't really present, and over the past few months I've actually felt real feelings of happiness and love, that have lasted for more than a few seconds. I've never felt those feelings before.

I'm still struggling in certain areas, still have good days and bad days. Overall I feel 'on the up' and quite blessed.

I'm wanting to connect more with people, to learn more, to share more, and thats what I'm thinking about online.

For what I have difficulties with now, I've put a list below:

- Constant disaccociation, through my eyes, like there is a mist or a lens infront of everything, that varies in thickness and intensity, but barely ever goes completely
- Large bouts of confusion
- Daily hallucinations, some nice, some scary
- Feeling constantly 'dreaming' or connected to that dreaming part, like never fully waking.
- Stress leaving my body in shakes and spasms (which I can control to some extent)
- Flashbacks

Thats about it for the main things I guess.

Thanks guys.