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Messages - Eidolon

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1
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: [TW] Self Harm
« on: June 06, 2021, 01:32:11 PM »
TW-
I used to neglect myself by forgetting to eat (ED), or I'd smoke instead of eating. Then it turned into emotional eating which fueled the ED more. I developed one to "deal" with neglect by my M, and it just never went away. It stayed dormant for a little while; then went full-fledged in high school. My F told me I'd grow out of it.

2
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: 1, 2, 3!
« on: June 05, 2021, 11:36:54 PM »
Appreciation
I'm unlearning unhealthy patterns more quickly.

Emotion
Somewhat dissociated- wanting to process emotions more quickly but I feel a little frozen.

Accomplishment
I exercised today.

3
Introductory Post / Re: Me in a nutshell (Trigger warning)
« on: June 05, 2021, 04:11:25 PM »
Welcome, Heart!
We're glad to have you here. We believe you.

4
Recovery Journals / Re: Anyone Else in Acute Care? TW
« on: June 05, 2021, 12:37:40 PM »
Welcome back! I feel a bit relieved about your decision. It sounds like that will be the healthiest for both of you for awhile. I'm glad you are being gentle with yourself for the coping mechanisms. I don't have an ED but I slipped easily into not eating for most of a week when I was reliving some physical triggers. I have full confidence you can and will get your eating back to normal quickly if you just kind of roll with it and keep health and balance in mind as your ultimate goal.
Thank you for the kind welcome. That's what I used to do! I'd just forget to eat, or be distracted by other things (drawing, video games, forums). It's not a conscious thing- or at least, it wasn't when I was younger. Now it fuels my inner critic a little bit more than I'd like.   Things have been relatively slow in here, so there's less stress and less reason to engage in SH. I'm just glad to be able to use the forum again after the internet went down.

Dissociation has just been feeling sleepy for the most part; not complete numbness. I think that's progress. :)

5
Recovery Journals / Re: Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal
« on: June 04, 2021, 06:19:14 PM »
You're going through a lot right now! It sounds incredibly difficult- you're really strong for being able to deal with it. Wishing you the best. I wish I knew what to say. :hug:

6
Recovery Journals / Re: Anyone Else in Acute Care? TW
« on: June 04, 2021, 05:59:02 PM »
I'm back!
The internet was down because of a power-line. I settled into gradually accepting that returning to my home situation may not be the best option for the time being and told FOO to give me maybe a year. A long time for someone in my shoes (and in his), but I think it's for the best. The physical flashbacks have diminished (save for a few times where I felt my legs being hurt), and right now I'm dealing with the re-emergence of an *TW* eating disorder as a result. It feels like if there's not one thing to deal with, another self-destructive coping mechanism has to pop up.

Trying to be gentle in regards to it (and to curb over-exercising.) Thank you for keeping an eye on my journal and giving feedback!

7
Recovery Journals / Re: Anyone Else in Acute Care? TW
« on: May 27, 2021, 12:51:11 AM »
Thank you to Armadillo and Blueberry for being supportive- I had no idea how to deal with them for the longest time and wondered if I was going crazy. When I was in the hospital I felt *tw?*someone (or something) hitting my back extremely hard, like it was enough to break. I don't think it actually did but it felt like it would've, and there was soreness for days after. I do remember on one occasion  being thrown into a bed-frame and hitting my spine but that was when I was really young. *tw end*. Psychological trauma causes aches and pains for days and I don't understand why. It can't always be that way, but some days it really makes me wonder.

Managed to stay positive today with almost no flashbacks! Going to try meditating more. I'll be meeting with my therapist on Friday, so I'm hoping for good progress- although when I go in to talk, it feels like my mind goes blank. Maybe I don't feel entirely safe here yet? Unsure, I have difficulty telling people things when I have to make eye contact.

8
Recovery Journals / Re: Anyone Else in Acute Care? TW
« on: May 26, 2021, 01:32:12 PM »
Hi Eidolon,

Flashbacks and hallucinations are really difficult, I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

I don't want to compare or anything, but I want to let you know you're certainly not alone. I experienced hallucinations too, which really scared me. For a while I thought I was dealing with some sort of schizophrenia or similar type of disorder... maybe I was, I don't really know. They did lessen and eventually go away though, as I continued along my healing journey. I hope they go away for you too when you get everything worked out.

Sending you strength while you continue to work those things out for now. You're doing great, keep up the good work! :)
I agree....I had visual, auditory, and smell hallucinations as i processed some stuff too fast.
Thank you both for helping me through this- I'm unused to dealing with hallucinations and I think it was because I was processing too much stuff too fast. I think doctors took it as me being abused at home when it was more, opening up old trauma wounds. I'm hoping I can explain it to doctors. I've been picking off fleas by myself through music and meditation, with not much help from my therapist at the facility. I didn't have any therapy last week and I'm supposed to have it twice a week so something feels off. I found some music I liked a lot and might process some parts to it later- I wrote a poem earlier but don't really want to share it. Feeling a little bit burnt out is all, I think. I dealt with some smell hallucinations a few days ago and managed to make it through alright.

I also figured out some of my dissociation is anxiety and depression based, so I'm feeling a bit more than I used to. Bless.

9
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: 1, 2, 3!
« on: May 25, 2021, 12:16:36 AM »
Appreciation:
Today I realized the importance of being gentle with myself. (Not rushing through trauma.)

Emotion:
Was dissociated for a lot of today because of flashbacks, but I'm taking it one step at a time.

Accomplishment:
I drew today! Hoping to save up money for a laptop so I can do digital art again.

10
Recovery Journals / Re: Anyone Else in Acute Care? TW
« on: May 24, 2021, 04:19:43 PM »
I'm not hallucinating orbs or anything like that, I'm more hearing *TW* my dead mother's voice telling me she wished I was dead/didn't want me/that I'm going to * when a lot of stuff just.. wasn't my fault. I described it as a ghost when I was in a psychiatric hospital because I didn't know what else to do. They labeled it as schizophrenia but it comes and goes, so I'm thinking it's more likely physical flashbacks. What do you think?

That definitely sounds much more like the nature of PTSD. It sounds like auditory flashbacks. Flashbacks can be on any of the senses (visual, auditory, and tactile being the most common ones) and also emotional and physical. Trauma can put our bodies and minds under so much stress that they jumble the past into the present so convincingly we are almost fooled.

They probably labeled it schizophrenia thinking you believed it was a ghost talking to you, and that you believed said ghost was real. Telling them that was not the case might help them understand better..? I haven't read the entire thread so I'm not completely up to date, but do let me know if you want me to collect a couple sources on the differential diagnostics.
That's what I think happened, I've had other flashbacks recently so I know it's not ghosts- just physical flashbacks, and sometimes auditory. Some of it seems to be like the inner critic and other times, not so much. I appreciate you helping me with this; I thought I was going bonkers. I'm hoping to talk to my therapist soon about it, because there were other things going on around the same time and I don't want to be misunderstood while I'm here. Dealt with emotional flashbacks recently of an abusive relationship and it feels like memory flooding. Everything feels like it all happened so fast and I didn't have any time to process it. Therapist is reading the book I lent her on C-PTSD, so I'm hoping that may give her an idea of what I'm dealing with.

11
Sexual Abuse / Re: The unknown is the worst
« on: May 23, 2021, 03:01:05 PM »
Please be gentle with yourself Tyr- the anger you're feeling may be misdirected. You were a child and didn't deserve any of the things they did to you, and you certainly didn't have any "duty" to do those things. I relate a bit more than I'd like to admit, wishing you softer days ahead. :hug:

12
Recovery Journals / Re: Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal
« on: May 23, 2021, 02:58:53 PM »
I'm so sorry you dissociated Monday- but am very proud you managed to get out of it! I hope the beach is fun for you! :hug: Dissociation is the worst.

13
Recovery Journals / Re: Anyone Else in Acute Care? TW
« on: May 23, 2021, 02:55:02 PM »
I've got comorbid schizophrenia and C-PTSD, and have spent a lot of time in acute wards. Ask me anything.

The similarities between schizophrenia and C-PTSD are enough that they spent 5 years (!!!) arguing whether my symptoms were due to trauma or due to psychosis. They concluded both in the end.

Personally, I feel like the psychosis is less tangible than the trauma symptoms. While my schizophrenia might tell me the trees have killed me, my C-PTSD will instead tell me that man walking towards me at the store will assault me. I've understood from clinicians that the line is often put there, right at the point of where something becomes bizarre (in this context "bizarre" means "would not at all be possible", like trees killing a human).

If your trauma was a car accident and you hallucinate the noise of a car horns, that's probably PTSD. But if you hallucinate floating orbs in the sky that's more likely a psychotic disorder such as schizophrenia.

Keep in mind I am simply a layman with personal experience who likes to read up on stuff. You can google "dissociation and psychosis differential diagnosis" for a lot of interesting articles. Modern psychology usually places dissociation and psychosis on the same spectrum rather than as two wildly separate things.

Best of luck, and hang in there
I'm not hallucinating orbs or anything like that, I'm more hearing *TW* my dead mother's voice telling me she wished I was dead/didn't want me/that I'm going to * when a lot of stuff just.. wasn't my fault. I described it as a ghost when I was in a psychiatric hospital because I didn't know what else to do. They labeled it as schizophrenia but it comes and goes, so I'm thinking it's more likely physical flashbacks. What do you think?

I wish you had nothing to cry about, but since you do have stuff to cry about...good job getting it out. I agree. Go wherever you can go to be able to make rose tea.  :thumbup:
I've been able to successfully cry a lot more about my current situation and past situations- like accepting that I was abused to begin with instead of dissociating away from reminders all the time. There's this sense of relief after grieving for my past selves, and sometimes different internal voices. All depends on flashbacks. Thank you both for being so kind.

14
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: 1, 2, 3!
« on: May 22, 2021, 11:16:34 PM »
Appreciation:
I'm more empathetic than I was before.

Emotion:
Tentative grieving.

Accomplishment:
I had a moment with my inner child today.

15
Recovery Journals / Re: Anyone Else in Acute Care? TW
« on: May 22, 2021, 11:14:18 PM »
I hope you are able to find the best place for yourself to focus on your recovery, E. I guess in your therapist's shoes I might be a little bit worried, too. But I trust you. Just keep in mind what you need, not what anyone else needs.

Disability is a good plan for now and once you're more healed you'll be able to handle stress safely. You've got this. You are definitely worth getting healed.
I'm hoping to move some place where I can make rose tea- something I've been craving recently after chewing on rose petals. Maybe with a bit of milk. They don't let us do that here, everything is made by staff. I don't really want to complain about that (I'm fortunate to be in a place where people are making food and coffee), but I'd certainly like to make things for myself.

Hoping for good dreams for everyone. Thank you for always being supportive, Armadillo. Lots of crying today and I feel like there will be more tonight after meditation. That's when I cry the most.

https://youtu.be/8rIjsa85UVk <- a song recommendation. Recovery is slow and unsteady at first, then there are big leaps and jumps. Working towards forgiving myself and others right now.

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