Messages

Hey Notalone,
Thank you for validating me on this!
Bizarre is júst the right word for it; apart from the profound unhealthiness on the emotional level that underlies it, of course.

Hi all,
I wonder if any of you had a similar experience...? (I hope not!)

When I was was around 14, my father, being ever more absent and 'furthering his career' (securing himself of necessary narcissistic supply, it was), being away from home in the evenings, returning late at night, ORDERED me to sleep in the parental bed... because my mother was 'so terribly afraid, terrified to lie there alone...'
And so I did. I don't remember to even finding that strange or inappropriate, then. I went to bed, before her, she 'joined me' later on, while my father, after coming home much later, would go to sleep in MY bed.
Is this bizarre, or whát?! A child being turned into his mother's tranquillizer...!
A child who, on a daily basis, got humiliated, got slapped and beaten, was subjected to heinous verbal abuse and annihilating criticism..., that child was made into this sort of 'human presence' to subdue his mother's fear.

The more I think of it, the more really sick it appears.
Anyone on this?

Kingfisher

Good to see you back, Rogue!
Looking forward to hear more about the steps towards healing you are CLEARLY taking. Good for you!
Take care and take it slow,

Kingfisher

Ah, woodsgnome, thank you for responding! (I take you to be a lover of etymology too... respond-response-responsible... wonderful, isn't it?)

Self-care and -compassion IS a whole new world, frighteningly new even, moreover since this world, this territory has felt forbidden to enter, all of my life.
O yes, this deeply ingrained self-contempt, self-belittling, self-hate, due to a very VERY abusive past. Abuse at the hands of the (two) 'adults' who would/should have provided safety, belonging, warmth, cherishing, comfort, validation, guidance, to name just a few... All of it was thoroughly absent.

Being the father of a seven-year-old wonderful boy-child, makes what I have had to endure, what was done to me, what I was 'put through' all the more incomprehensible. The cruelty of it, the mercilessness, the utter remorseless of it.
I can't help to sometimes imagine what it would do to my son when I would treat him, 'if only for a week', the way I was treated for decades on end. It would
destroy; just imagining it sends shivers down my spine.

Opening up to our feelings, yes. Are there 'bad' feelings, as such? Can we learn to acknowledge and contain them all? Pain and grief and sadness and anger, are they to be suppressed and avoided or to be acknowledged and really gone into (without 'going under', of course).

Your presence in writing on this forum means a lot to me, I want you to know that, thank you for it!
We'll move forward, I'm sure. 'Slowly, as fast as they could' is a booktitle which suddenly springs to mind 🙂

Kingfisher

Bessel van der Kolk's book is great, I think, in providing scientific information and 'underpinning' of what trauma does to the human organism and that is validating in itself. I find it a bit too 'academic' too really work with, though.
Pete Walker's book 'Cptsd - From surviving to thriving' I find to be a very thorough, practical guide in this respect.
His website has many valuable articles too:
http://pete-walker.com/

Beverly Engel's book 'It wasn't your fault' (dealing with the profound shame we carry and ways to find and develop compassion for ourselves) is very good too I think.
Her website:
http://healmyshame.com/what-constitutes-child-abuse-2-2-2-2/

Both of them write from the heartfelt experience of survivors of (childhood) abuse; from the inside out, as it were.
Hope you'll find their work helpful.

Kingfisher

Hey Rogue, welcome to the forum!
So brave of you to reach out and write such an insightful introductory post, to which I can deeply relate (as undoubtedly many others here).
You can be sure to find many others here who 'get' what you went through, who 'get' the lasting impact of what you went through and I hope you will find all possible validation, recognition and truly, compassionately being-heard in this community!
You can be FREE here. Free to express yourself, to express anything you are facing or going through. Don't feel obliged, don't force yourself to post if you wouldn't be ready for it.
'something HAS to change', you wrote. I think joining this forum might turn out to be a first big step in a process of profound change.
Thank you for joining,

Kingfisher

Hi all,
Yes, I start to dare to see some fragile, hesitant changes in the way I cope with this longstanding pain and grief in me. Actually, being able to call them 'pain' and 'grief' and to really FEEL them, is a change!
Most of my life I have been berating mysélf, blaming myself, hating myself, even, for the difficulties, the emotional upheaval I went through, again and again.
I notice I start to be drawn to emotionally more healthy people, start to connect with them, carefully, start to be more open, without SHAME.
This goes hand in hand with seeing others' abusive, disrespectful, crossing-boundaries-behaviours towards me and my ability to refuse to be treated that way any longer; to even END, non-angrily, socalled 'friendships'.
All this is very new to me and -THÚS- scary but underneath all doubt, there is a sense of trust. Trust in my own perceptions, trust to stay very close to myself and moreover to what I feel.
Having found this forum, reading, exchanging, feeling welcomed, validated, respected has meant and means só much to me and is closely connected to the changes I described above.

Thank you, all of you, for being out there, for your courage, wisdom and honesty. Be well,

Kingfisher

Hey Hope,
I hope you could hold onto that calmer place, today!
Sending you a Hug of Support in return,

Kingfisher

Hope, I came across a link to an article you posted in 2018 and I (like many of us here, I'm sure) relate to every word in it; the WHOLE list of damaging, crushing, soul-destroying effects of growing up (down) under the sick regime of (a) narcissist(s).
I want to link to it again:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201802/how-narcissistic-parenting-affects-children

'but it's okay to have bad days, too',
as Gravity wrote

Well, today has been/ís a real hard day. I face this mountain of dreadful memories, of countless horrible, cruel, heartless 'incidents' of abuse (physical, emotional, verbal). The cruelty of it all, the sadistic edge there was to it... merciless, heartless, completely remorseless.
It sends shivers down my spine when I imagine how 'just' one week of such treatment would DESTROY my seven-year-old son! How it would destroy his deep, open trust; trust in himself, trust in me, trust in the people around him, trust in the world, trust in life.
And I wás such a boy, júst such a boy. And all that wás detroyed in me, but not completely, since I sit here, writing this and not giving up.
But this Mountain feels insurmountable, on hard days like today. The pain of it all, the struggling and somehow coping, for decades. Going down, coming up again, going down... ad infinitum.
Felt like reaching out to you all. For encouragement, for understanding, for strength.

Kingfisher

From: http://alovinghealingspace.blogspot.com

Love will never give up on you

Early relational experiences are encoded in neural circuitry in the first 18 months of life. Stored as implicit memory, they are inaccessible by ordinary awareness, forming templates through which we engage the world. In a moment of activation, the templates come surging online. Before we realize it, previously sequestered material has flooded our perception.

Our expectations in relationship – whether we can count on others, are worthy of love, will allow another to matter or whether we can take the risk to lead with our vulnerability – are organized in a fragile little nervous system that yearns for connection. The neural pathways are tender and responsive, as we seek attuned, right-brain to right-brain resonance with those around us. We want to feel felt, have our experience held and mirrored, and for pure space in which we can explore unstructured states of being.

While this encoding is deeply embedded, it can be rewired. While it may feel entrenched, it is not as solid as it appears. Even if your early environment was one of empathic failure, developmental trauma, and insecure attachment, it is never too late. The wild realities of neuroplasticity and the courage of the human heart is unstoppable and an erupting force of creativity.

Through new relational experiences – with a lover, a friend, a therapist, a baby; a star, a mountain, the moon, an animal-guide from the other world – love is hidden inside the caverns of neural circuitry. It is the substance which forms the neurons and their synapses, lighting up heart-cells in a moment of connection. Each time you attune to another – or to the unmet inner "other" within you – a new world is born.

As long as breath is present, you can update the narrative, recraft your perception and re-envision a new story. You can make new meaning of your life, re-imagine your purpose, and renew your commitment to being here. Slowly, you can revise your circuitry with pathways of holding awareness, flooding it with empathic attunement, presence, and warmth.

No matter what is happening in your life, you can start right now, in this moment. The opportunity for reorganization is always here and wired deep within you. Don't give up. Love will never give up on you.

I came across the text below today, on  http://alovinghealingspace.blogspot.com
and found it só beautiful, deeply resonating.

Love will never give up on you

Early relational experiences are encoded in neural circuitry in the first 18 months of life. Stored as implicit memory, they are inaccessible by ordinary awareness, forming templates through which we engage the world. In a moment of activation, the templates come surging online. Before we realize it, previously sequestered material has flooded our perception.

Our expectations in relationship – whether we can count on others, are worthy of love, will allow another to matter or whether we can take the risk to lead with our vulnerability – are organized in a fragile little nervous system that yearns for connection. The neural pathways are tender and responsive, as we seek attuned, right-brain to right-brain resonance with those around us. We want to feel felt, have our experience held and mirrored, and for pure space in which we can explore unstructured states of being.

While this encoding is deeply embedded, it can be rewired. While it may feel entrenched, it is not as solid as it appears. Even if your early environment was one of empathic failure, developmental trauma, and insecure attachment, it is never too late. The wild realities of neuroplasticity and the courage of the human heart is unstoppable and an erupting force of creativity.

Through new relational experiences – with a lover, a friend, a therapist, a baby; a star, a mountain, the moon, an animal-guide from the other world – love is hidden inside the caverns of neural circuitry. It is the substance which forms the neurons and their synapses, lighting up heart-cells in a moment of connection. Each time you attune to another – or to the unmet inner "other" within you – a new world is born.

As long as breath is present, you can update the narrative, recraft your perception and re-envision a new story. You can make new meaning of your life, re-imagine your purpose, and renew your commitment to being here. Slowly, you can revise your circuitry with pathways of holding awareness, flooding it with empathic attunement, presence, and warmth.

No matter what is happening in your life, you can start right now, in this moment. The opportunity for reorganization is always here and wired deep within you. Don't give up. Love will never give up on you.

Hey Eidolon,
Hear hear! Só true and important what you wrote: to, finally, be able to say, wholeheartedly 'the things that happened to me were wrong, no matter who was doing it'. To have done away with minimizing, 'understanding', explaining, bringing up socalled extenuating circumstances etc. I have been doing that most of my life, at the cost of... myself.
Wrong IS wrong. Cruelty IS cruelty. Abuse IS abuse. And wanting to know the 'reasons' for it is, in the end, futile ánd a hindrance to ourselves, to our lives.
Yes, you ARE a person. And, please, flourish!

Kingfisher

Hi gravity, good to hear you on this!
This outward appearance of 'the perfect little family'... with all the horrors going on behind closed doors.
In my case, we as a 'family' would be on the cover of nation-wide magazines (all dressed up, pets included, Picture-Perfect) when I was a teenager. The hypochrisy of it, the complete lie of it! All of it to provide narcissistic supply to this horribly abusive, devastating, deeply SICK 'father'-person.
My son-of-seven is sleeping in the next room, right now and I have to check in, ever so often, to see his beauty, to see the miracle he is (as we ALL are!), to touch his hair and re-arrange the duvet and whisper words of tenderness and love.

Hugs to you too, gravity, we are all súch courageous people here and once the lid is off, once this is really opened up (no matter how late in life) there is no going back, only forward, no matter how hard it often is.

Kingfisher

Thank you, rainydiary,
Yes, this deep pain, to be watched, attended to, contained... Pfff. In the evenings, like now, I allow myself some wine, just to subdue it a bit, to take the edge off it.
Wishing you all possible healing in return,

Kingfisher