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Again thank you all for kind thoughts,I suspect this is why OOTS is so important,found my way here and just knew i was where i needed to be NOW,Wonderful.I know that there are personal stories here that i cannot any help to,they are way too outside my experiences,but i do understand being mutually supportive,and for that i am so grateful to have this forum to come back to,so thank you.still have,nt learnt how to start a new paragraph or to place an apostrophie so its one long ramble.Only here for another few days,took a couple of months out of self employment,now need to earn some money,so back "HOME" and there is  the real issue"youre responses forced me to think about the real reasons the boys in the band thought they could just waltz back in,"going home",luckily i have some work immediatly up in the northern isles,so not home for long,going to have to think about and confront this .It would be complete anathema to me for compassion for humanity,for altruism to slap me in the face ,im sure like the majority of people here that injustice to others,especially the vulnerable is intolerable,and it would have caused considerable unease in me not to try and help when given the opportunity,it sits easy with my conscience,again my thanks to you all,and as always only ever the kindest thoughts

thank-you for your kind comments, been really low,dont know why,been doing soom good work at a refugee camp in greece,so feeling thats good and worthy,but just gone into a spiral downwards,seems like all the members off the band(depression,anxiety,stress,etc,etc,etc)just invited themselves back in,i do not want to die of this,i do not want to be defined by this,i am more than cptsd,much more,i am worthy,very hard to be open after years of denial,guilt,shame etc,triggers are everywhere,anyway only my very kind thoughts to everyone here

just struggling

had the pointy thing hovering over the reply button for quite sometime before going for it,was diagnosed cptsd approx 3years ago although emotional trauma etc goes back a very long way,i completley misinterpreted the "complex" part as there were two more immediate "traumas",atom bomb and youngest daughter,fast forward ,literally to afew months ago (a lot of time just disapears ) i discover this site and i thought YES , instead of my future time just disapearing, suddenly there are a lot more jigsaw pieces on the table and although i might wish away a lot of my past ,my future has just started,no matter how difficult,so 55years old,i dont care,new life has to start sometime ,better late than never( and i know how close it has come to being never) just very thankful for OOTS and fellow travellers sharing.only kind thoughts to you all

my mother was a prescription junkie,grandson 8 years old prescribed melatonin{a.s.d ,diagnosed],but a few nights of "placebo juice"he went to sleep just the same,i do not believe in a long term chemical fix,we must "self heal",really difficult ,i chickened out of telling my story,but i always have the radio on[white noise]24hrs] ,i encourage you to "endeavour to perscervere ,this road will never be easy,but it is better to fail better,than to have not tried.We can always adjust our position,we are probably pretty good at that,not  particularly a good thing ,i will not be coming off fluoxetine any time soon,sort of tired,but only my very best wishes to you and everyone on this site

looks like the little happy-chappie symbol came through. :thumbup:well done me

just applaud all that has been said ,tried to use an emoji ,all went wrong,hey-ho,"dip in where "you feel you can,hope you can find some help here,kindest thoughts

still debating how to approach ,really using this site for my own benefit,i know that sounds selfish,but we must start to learn to use the51% rule have absolutely no idea how to tell my own"story",all i do know is that we are all the same but different and i know i initially wanted to"splurge" but then just did'nt know how to put across the complexity.I hope for myself and everyone else that eventually ,we can let enough of ourselves show through and trust that everything we try to contribute is received in the most positive way,to everyone here only my very kindest thoughts."ever tried,ever failed,no matter.try again,fail again,fail Better"

feeling for you here,dutchuncle,but really like your last paragraph,to paraphrase<again>,"how can friends accept it quicker than YOU have accepted it."Hi Tired,it is ok not to have friends and the real trick is to not let it bother you,that is the real truth.you can be alone but not lonely,white lies are completely ok. Stigma must be confronted,but not to the detriment of your own health,horrible to say this,but it seems it is often the case that we form relationships with other "damaged" people and to my cost that has not always been helpful.I think that it is best to be as honest as possible,and to accept that unworthy relationships are best let go of .really sorry if i have touched on any nerves,but i only want to try and help and be helped .Cocobird,this has been illuminating,had never even considered the question before,luckily,like you ,one good friend and the understanding of daughters has kept me"endeavouring to perservere",only ever kind thoughts

Everyone has their breaking point"finally cracking"too much load applied to an already weakened sense of self.then i hope comes the tipping point"i don't want to spend another year this way",wonderful to hear of the good people around you.cannot advise on your medication,never heard the names,do not think there  is a chemical fix for the long term,but i certainly agree that depression is a persistant and niggly "little"b@&/?*%,. none of us have arrived here by chance or choice,you are among friends

should have referenced this quote,by a man called viktor frankl,holocaust survivor, find him on an early ted talk and wickipedia,pleanty of other inspirational quotes.just been reading on introduce yourself,by"self reliance and loneliness",just identify so much,fortunatlly or perhaps unfortunatly my three daughters are all adults now,and no matter how much i tried to protect them,they all are damaged in different ways,so still trying to support and explain.youngest at the time when the"atom bomb"hit was already showing signs of eating disorder/self harm/suicide attempts at age 12,still playing a supportive role,middle daughter definitly comfort eats,oldest ,despite ,a masters degree ,and training towards a doctorate in clinical psychology,treats her husband as a scapegoat.still trying to break the cycle.don't think iam going to do much more introducing myself,i recognise myself in so many other peoples stories here,and i hope that in any way possible we,who are survivors will strive to help each other.Tried to start a new paragraph,didn't work,but at least started with a capital,promised myself that i would try at least to end on some positives,so here goes1.Give as much time and resource as you can to those that are worthy,do not waste your time on those who prove themselves unworthy,2,coffee/booze/drugs do not help,3,i always have at least 6 cards already written,sealed envelopes,stamped,post them to myself-never know which one i am going to recieve.4,confront injustice to others,because that is the equal and opposite reaction to injustice to ourselves,5,work hard to break the cycle,6,quote from the dalai lama,"all seek happiness.none seek suffering",7,"endeavour to perservere",line from the film "the outlaw josie wales",8,be kind and compassionate,9 do not be defined by a "complex" set of circumstances that we did not choose,sorry no number 10,when i figure that one out i will post it,kind thoughts to you all

getting someone who listens,with no prejudgement is important,i think that all of us deserve to be listened to.i was so scared when i attended my first appointment,came very close to cancelling,but so glad that i did.'nt .wondered every week what i was going to talk about,but the right person gets the full story before they "contribute" ,my eldest daughter is training as a clinical psychologist ,and not hard to see how she has ended up there,my T didn't look any older than her and as a 50 year old i did not care,just wanted to tell my story,did the homework,wrote the letters never sent,done the breathing,etc,thought that telling the story was enough,discharged myself,but here i am still trying to come to some conclusions.still talking to my doctor about a referal  for cbt,definitely not ready to come of anti-depressants ,please perservere,as long as you are communicating you are still standing,my very kindest thoughts to you

thanks woodsgnome anddutch uncle for your replies,bought a note book and wrote down the protocol,spent some time looking around,probably should have done that at the start,given some guidence from older and middle daughters.probably in too much of a rush,bought a chromebook,password protected,probably cause some grief,but heyho whats new.have'nt smiled in a long time but mention of"text editor program and copy and paste "seen it done by daughters" but i am a one finger typist ,so  wry smile.thought it best just to stay logged in rather than get timed out,and lose what i post.i think i was just wanting to "splurge"everything and of course how do you condense 55 years into a few paragraphs,so spending a bit of time trying to get my thinking straight.pen and paper still have their place,oldest daughter just passed me this"between stimulus and response there is a space.In that space is our power to choose our response.In our response lies our growth and our freedom"seems appropriate

i understand what you are saying,thought i had driven friends away,even found myself being dishonest with myfather and siblings,in retrospect most friends tried and i never noticed the ones that did'nt,the atom bomb  moment,sorry not moment,long slow fuse burning,massive head implosion and all the residual fallout basically meant that i was not the person they used to know,so no resentment,it was just easier not to see or talkto anyone because the only thing i wanted to talk about was"it" one friend perservered ,dropping in and out for years and thankyou for him,eventually insisting that i told in acouple of installments,most/some of "it"felt a lot better and continuing to be supportive,that led me to eventually clearing most of the elephant out of the room with my daughters,turns out i was'nt telling them much they did'nt know,definitly be as honest as you feel you can,i think some of the stigma exists because we dont talk.liked woodgnomes response to you"seems pretty positive to have tried to pick up the piecesof a damaged soul etc,to paraphrase beckett,you just keep trying,fail better,keep trying.stumbled on your post while trying to learn my way around this site,felt it was something i could respond to,anyway my very kindest thoughts

typed lots of revelations here,and cannot find them again,never been on any forum before,do not know how to navigate this site,want to be a part of a supportive community,maybe was timed out,don't know,but can't keep trying to talk,need some help with the way forward,slightly desparate