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Messages - mojay

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Recovery Journals / Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: March 23, 2021, 09:50:28 PM »
Quick good news everyone!
I got my old job back with the company that I really like!! Currently I'm an independent contractor and not a regular employee, but it's the company that I was employed with in 2019 before taking medical leave/moving. I decided not to move forward with the other job I accepted, which lead to a really difficult & unexpected phone call. I had emailed the company and they followed up with a call which I wasn't expecting. In therapy we discussed the severe anxiety (shakes, breathing fast, heart racing) from the phone call and came to the conclusion that it was yet another trauma response. I'm finding it easier to pinpoint these reponses and see how often I'm actually reacting to things in this way... it's really troubling to me that I react this way so I'm glad that I'm gaining more of a hold over it.
I'm finding myself having these trauma responses to stressful interpersonal situations. Usually the response is black/white thinking, catastrophizing, rigid "solutions" & severe anxiety afterwards.

This really bothers me, it's funny because I can pinpoint this being an issue throughout much of my life by memories... even though I don't have many memories! This has been a huge detriment to my interpersonal relationships and is *maybe* a symptom of BPD??  In any case, I'm feeling more confident and hopeful now that I can work towards controlling these responses.

Feeling glad to be here :)

Recovery Journals / Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: March 05, 2021, 05:16:04 PM »
I'm settling into my new apartment. like my roommates, generally I think it's a good fit. The younger roomie isn't very covid-cautious though so that's been bothering me but I think it's a valid thing to bring up so I'm going to try to do that eventually. The other issue is my allergies with the dogs. I'd really like to live alone but I just can't afford it.

I was offered the job with a start date of 3/29/21 and am waiting for them to send me the contracts. I'm feeling really anxious about it because they want me to sign a non-compete agreement but I don't make enough money with them to sign away my right to work for someone else. I'll have to read the fine print and maybe get an employment attorney to look over it. I'm also worried because I did something bad and lied on my application by putting a graphic that wasn't mine into my portfolio. I really don't know why I did that other than I wasn't thinking clearly because of what happened with my F and I felt like I wasn't good enough. I spent the next few days being really unstable and feeling really suicidal and was so angry with myself for doing something (lying) I promised myself I would never do again. After I sent the portfolio with the stolen work, I was asked to fill out a questionnaire. When I finished the questionnaire I sent it back with my resume and an honest portfolio. I'm really hoping that they do not notice but i have so much anxiety over the fact that this could cause me to be fired at any time and if I sign a non-compete I won't be able to work in my field.

I feel pretty bad about everything to be honest. I'm feeling more and more hopeless and feel especially vulnerable because of everything that's happened with my FOO. I guess I just feel really alone and it's paralyzing me. I need to get more stuff done but I haven't been able to do a lot because I feel so paralyzed. I don't know how I'm going to work like this.

I've been feeling so angry with my FOO. I don't know how anyone could ever move past being betrayed so thoroughly by the people who are supposed to care for you and nurture you. Maybe I will make a post on the FOO board, there's a lot I want to say because there's a lot I've realized about those people after everything that's happened.

Maybe it's natural that I feel so unstable right now? I feel like I've been conditioned to think of my FOO as the rock that my life is built around, like a foundation of sorts. I've never really "felt" that but it's how society is supposed to be structured right? So maybe now that I'm really coming to terms with not having that foundation and seeing how negatively they've effected my life I feel unstable as a result.

Recovery Journals / Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: February 22, 2021, 11:32:38 PM »
A happy update: I'm moving out!!!  ;D
I've been busy with part of the consulting job application which is still ongoing so I'll be leaving here before knowing if I have a job with them!
But I decided to move out anyways. I'm feeling anxious bc I'll be moving without a job, but I can be comfortable living on savings for 3 months (and less comfortable for 6 months). I feel confident that I can get a job in 3 months but I'm still anxious.

I'm really hoping that I'll feel better when I'm out of this toxic environment. Right now I mostly feel anxiety about not having an income and moving during a pandemic... Then some other emotions that are all tangled up about my family. For now I want to focus on moving and preparing for my next interview with the consulting company, I think this would be the final interview ?? Fingers crossed!

Recovery Journals / Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: February 14, 2021, 09:15:00 PM »
Thank you for the support NotAlone & DollyVee.

I'm still having a really awful time. I'm feeling so stressed and upset. I haven't signed a lease but I found a place to live in another state but i don't have a job yet so I don't want to move. At the same time I can't imagine staying here any longer. The art consulting position has so many interview steps and I'm losing steam. We had a 2 hour zoom interview on Friday and I was told there would be ANOTHER interview after that. Before the next interview I have to answer a huge document full of questions (like, 22 pages) and I just don't have the energy to do it. It's a lot of situation questions and I don't have the emotional energy or physical energy to complete it but they expect it by EOD Tuesday. I think I will have to pull my application because I just can't do it.

My F is trying to be allowed back home and I agreed but it's making me so stressed.
I just wish I had someone who would put my needs first. I feel like that's what family is for but obviously not my family. I just wish I had someone I could count on. I'm feeling really upset with myself.
There was another art consulting position that I saw advertised and I messed up my application by applying to two positions. I knew I should just hold off and do more research but I feel so desperate to get out of here that I just applied to both positions. After doing some research I discovered that this is not a good move and will most likely disqualify me. I'm really really really upset about this.
I feel like I'm always running away because I can never just be in a secure position in my life. I feel like I've never had security and it's making me so miserable.
I just wish I had somewhere to go that felt safe but I've never had anywhere that felt like "home" and I have no way of improving my life. My work history is so spotty because of the CPTSD/break downs that have always resulted in losing jobs and having no references or consistency.
I just want something good to happen without it having all of these huge negative drawbacks. I'm just so exhausted by all of this and my inability to be stable and move my life forward. I'm slipping back into feeling suicidal because I just want to escape the pain.  I think that feeling of wanting to escape the pain is what drives a lot of my decisions without thinking through them and that just causes me more distress.
I don't know how I'm going to get these questions done for the art consulting application and now I've ruined my only chance at finding another job soon. I really hate myself rn. I'm in so much pain and feel so much inner turmoil and there's nowhere I can go and nothing I can do to escape this feeling except to keep trying to find a job and leave here, but I messed up that too. Ugh.  Sorry this is so much rambling I just needed to get some thoughts out.

Recovery Journals / Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: February 08, 2021, 06:53:52 AM »
Thank you Alter-Ego, I really appreciate that!!

Having a hard time lately. I've been triggered all the time living here. My F has been verbally attacking my about being LGBT. He's been drunk almost every day. On Saturday he got arrested for firing a gun in the house. He has been in jail since Saturday and is seeing the judge on Monday at 1:30 pm. The police took all of his guns which is good imho.
I'm really upset about the whole situation. I've been feeling like something like this was going to happen. He was not aiming the gun at any of us, perhaps was aiming it at himself? But it was after arguing with myself and M, I was shutting him out because of how hateful he was being towards my identity and he did not like that I was refusing to talk to him.
I was video chatting with a friend & having a hulu watch party w/ my headphones in when the gunshot happened. I heard it but I thought that my M had dropped part of the dresser she was putting together. No one was injured but the police were called by M, I didn't know. It was pretty scary. None of the cops were wearing masks either which really sucked because now I'm worried about catching covid from those interactions. When they arrived to try and secure the house, I had to leave my room through my window, they did not want me to walk through the house in case D was going to hurt someone. I've had a feeling for a long time that this would happen and my plan was always to leave through my window, so it felt weird to actually be doing it.
I'm glad that all the guns are confiscated. That has been really worrying me if he decides to hurt my M or anyone else with a gun. He has pointed one at my B before and this is the second time he has fired one in the house. M is determined for divorce ASAP. The police gave us domestic violence packets and there are resources in there that I think can be helpful.
I'm worried that the judge will put F on parole and he will have to stay at home & not be allowed to leave the state to stay at his cabin - which is originally what M wanted him to do regarding the divorce. I'm worried that him returning home after this incident will cause more violence.

I did have a second interview for the job via zoom. It didn't go so well. F found a way to interrupt that even though I explained beforehand that I had an interview and needed to not be interrupted. It really distracted me and threw me off and the interviewer did not like the interruption. Aside from that, I found a place to live in the same state as the job. I have been considering moving regardless of having the job or not. I can survive for a few months on savings and I might be able to start work as a temp with a company I used to work for in that area. The commute would be long for the temp roles, but maybe I could find something closer?? ??

I want to leave here so badly but now I'm scared to leave M alone with F.

TMS has been a mess. The only technician left at the clinic got Covid, he is doing okay. I do not think I will be returning though. The clinic could only get someone to cover 2 days last week and on the second day I felt the substitute tech did not set up the machine correctly and it was targeting the wrong part of my brain- it was causing unusual muscle spasms which usually points to the target being the motor cortex. Also none of the usual precautions were followed and she also walked out of the room while the machine was going, so I called her back in and stopped the treatment. The original tech has been in touch and said he hopes to return Wednesday, but that will only have been 10 days from when he got a positive covid result. I feel like that's too soon. I'm just getting more and more uncomfortable with the clinic's practices.

I think I am going to donate blood to the Red Cross so I have have the Covid serology test done, I know there is more than one strain of Covid but I'd like to know if I've at least had it, that way I can stop worrying so much about catching it.

I'm so stressed out right now in light of all this commotion in my life. I wish I could be more active on here but I've just been hiding.  :fallingbricks:

I feel she is being smugly telling me what is wrong with me without providing any clear road map to recovery.
Lilypad, I've found myself feeling the same way about past therapists. I think Owl made a lot of good points, especially bringing your feelings about the situation to your therapist. Hopefully she can provide you with more concrete steps to being kind to yourself (since that is what she can identify as a learning objective - I don't want to put words in your mouth) and helping you meet your own emotional needs.

I regularly feel like my trauma-related emotional needs are too heavy for people and frequently too heavy for myself. It's a really tough situation and I empathize with you. Sending you strength through the airwaves!

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: Feeling trapped
« on: January 26, 2021, 08:36:28 AM »
NotAlone & Bella, I apolgoize for my late reply. I haven't had the strength to revisit to this topic until tonight. Thank you for your validation, it means a lot to me.
here is a hug for anyone who is okay with a hug!!  :grouphug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2021
« on: January 26, 2021, 08:28:14 AM »
NotAlone, wow that was so brave of you to tell your children!! Congratulations  :cheer:

I really like the plan you made for the week! I just reviewed (for myself) Pete Walker's 13 steps for stopping EFs, but #8 stuck out to me when reading your journal because I think that you are doing a great job with resisting the inner critic's catastrophizing. You are doing a really good job with helping Hope and not abandoning yourself. I believe in you!!

sending you much strength and rest through the airwaves.

Recovery Journals / Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: January 26, 2021, 08:08:58 AM »
I had an interview today!! For an art consulting role, which I've been trying to get back to. I don't feel very confident about the interview because on Sunday I was asked to schedule the interview for Monday afternoon. I said yes, but it left me with little time to prepare. I'm happy that I interviewed though, I think I'd like working at the company and I think I could be a good consultant for them, too.

I've been having an issue with my eye, I think because of the rTMS. Seeing the optometrist on Wednesday to rule out anything else more serious than muscle spasms & fatigue.

Had some really triggering interactions with my B today. I've mentioned before that we share a bathroom - I don't want to share too many specifics but I've been realizing that bathrooms & my B are very triggering for me. I can't stand when people push my boundaries (especially him!!!!) and I feel like he is pushing my boundaries again as it relates to privacy in the bathroom. I don't know if it's purposeful, I don't think I will ever know if any of my suffering at his hand was "purposeful". It's very frustrating.

Sometimes I really feel like my FOO was designed to make me fail.

Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for this job because it would be a chance to escape this situation. I really don't like feeling this way!! I just want to move on with my life. Looking forward to therapy tomorrow to talk more about what happened with B.

Introductory Post / Re: New member
« on: January 21, 2021, 08:35:40 PM »
Welcome, Taylor! So glad you're here :)

I love to garden too!! I'm also new to OOTS, and recently learned about the board "The Potting Shed" which is all about gardening! There is a part one and a more recent part two. Here are the links if you are interested: (part 1) (part 2)

Introductory Post / Re: IRedW77
« on: January 21, 2021, 08:31:18 PM »
Hello and welcome IRedW77!!  :heythere:

Iím kind of obsessed with all of my own mental health stuff right now and trying to remember and learn about the past. I want answers and I want to fix everything all at once right now.

I really resonate with this! I think that's a very compassionate thing to do for yourself. I truly hope that OOTS can be a resource for you and help you on your mental health journey. Glad you're here :)

Recovery Journals / Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: January 20, 2021, 07:37:28 AM »
Marta, Kizzie & Dollyvee, thank you all so much for your support. You have all given me such wonderful suggestions and I have taken them to heart. I feel so validated and heard on OOTS and very much appreciate everyone, the last journal entry was a doozy (edited it to make it less triggering!!) so I really appreciate everyone coming together to help me  :grouphug:

I am feeling better today after therapy and spending time out of the house. Still not "out of the woods" (even though I spent most of the day in the woods haha) but I am certainly feeling less turmoil. I have also felt some restored hope for my future that, strangely enough, came from making mistakes. I feel like I have made some mistakes or backslid a bit, but I was able to get myself back on track - especially with the help of others. I feel less alone and I am grateful for the compassion I've received.

I feel like I can't trust anyone right now. My family has betrayed me so many times and I feel like my friends have betrayed me because they don't do anything to try to help me. I can't even talk to the group chat about how I'm feeling without them changing the subject.
I was able to talk through my feelings with my friends more, we came to the solution of me letting them know what I'd like from the conversation. For example, if I just needed to vent, wanted suggestions or just wanted an e-hug. I feel very ashamed because I feel like I may have hurt their feelings or overwhelmed them with my intense emotions :/ I also feel ashamed that I felt so betrayed by them (even though that feeling didn't last). Regardless, it still felt good to talk it through and come up with a plan so I do not feel so abandoned in the future.

I am going to ask my therapist tomorrow for three sessions this week. Seeing a therapist three times a week is more than I've ever done!! Our session today was very helpful though, I was able to talk about my SI and feel validated. We also revisited/reworked my safety plan, so that was very helpful to me. I definitely feel less scared of having "no options" and am seeing the light again. I decided to start a physical journal specifically for writing down those intense SI that I wrote about in my last journal entry - I really don't want to trigger anyone on OOTS but it was helpful to write it down.

Today I spent a lot of time in the state park's trails and then tended to my air plants - it was bath day for them! I also worked on my resume, a job alert came in this morning which is very exciting!!  Maybe the universe heard me asking for a positive way out of my situation  :Idunno:

This evening I watched a movie with M. I did not want to talk to her about how I have been feeling except for saying "I'm having bad side effects from the Lexapro" but I think that was okay. It was nice to enjoy each other's company and watch a cute movie. I pulled a muscle in my neck so she was very helpful and got me an ice pack and helped me position the pads for the TENS unit so I did not have to keep moving around. It felt really nice to be cared for by my M. I think this helped shift my attitude from feeling only betrayed by my FOO to seeing that there was still someone I could count on. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs but it has really strengthened over the last year which I am grateful for.

All in all, feeling much better than I was on Monday. Like Marta said, one step at a time!

Recovery Journals / Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: January 19, 2021, 06:35:41 AM »
hang on, mojay - my hand's still available.  you're not alone.  breathe, be, just for the next minute, then the next. we're here for you with your own private safety net, able to catch you if you need us.  much love and many hugs - we're building a fortress around you for protection :grouphug:
thank you so much Sanmagic, this means a lot to me. Taking things minute by minute and squeezing your hand has helped. I have been trying to construct a mind palace or some place that I can retreat to when I am overwhelmed, I like the idea of a fortress. I think mine would be covered in ivy, I really like plants. I have found some solace tonight in tending to my plants.

i hope you eventually find something that helps you, rather than hurts you.
I have been doing well with Mirtazapine which is a relatively older drug. I have noticed it helps considerably with sleep, appetite and panic attacks. It's the only medicine that I've felt has helped me and would like to stay on it, hoping I can convince my psychiatrist.

Thank you for the warm hug and encouragement  :grouphug:

Recovery Journals / Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: January 18, 2021, 10:22:32 PM »
It's late afternoon and I'm having a really hard time now. My therapist had to reschedule to tomorrow which is okay, it was an emergency for her. rTMS went okay.
Then i got home and had to interact with my F. Also just really tired of living with my B. Every thing about him reminds me of the CSA/SSA and we share a bathroom which has just made me more acutely aware of everything. Intrusive memories keep coming to my mind every single day. I become really overwhelmed by this.

I am frustrated that this is my life right now. All of my friends are moving along and have good lives and are happy and I'm just mired in this miserable pit. I feel like I can't trust anyone right now. My family has betrayed me so many times and I feel like my friends have betrayed me because they don't do anything to try to help me. I can't even talk to the group chat about how I'm feeling without them changing the subject.

I cant stop thinking about how disappointed I am with myself and I feel very unhappy with how my life is currently. I feel like such a loser sometimes. I spent all this money on my education and was too ill to do anything with my degree, got stuck in underemployment, got too sick to work but not sick enough for disability (says the govt) then had my S betray me and now have to live with my abusers again. I just really hate this feeling!!!

I don't even have anywhere to go to feel safe and escape this. I want to just curl up in bed but I'm still in this house with these people who I don't trust and don't want to be  breathing the same air as. I don't want them to be able to knock on my door or know where I am. I just want this situation to change for the better  :'( :'( :'( going to curl up in bed and try to ride this out. maybe i can fall asleep even though sleep has been just as excruciating as being awake.

Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
« on: January 18, 2021, 04:42:29 PM »
Dear Snookie, thank you for sharing with us! It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Great job on emailing your therapist even though you are worried about her reaction, that's a really self-caring thing you've done for yourself :) I think it is also a good way to get some support.

Work sounds like a real mixed bag with the new person coming in. I noticed you mentioned your worries over work so I wanted to quote this to you, I think it shows how capable you truly are despite the difficulties you have faced:
I feel like I've come in a pretty much come in with very little training or support.  I've reduced the outstanding debt, the age of the outstanding cases and got systems in place to keep things moving. I've solved so many of the difficult cases by myself.  I have pretty much trained myself the difficult bills although theres so much I'm still unsure of.
I have faith in you! I truly hope the new person is able to aid you with those questions and give you the support you need to keep doing wonderful work.

It sounds like your inner critic was a terror this morning! I also go through the awful cycle of feeling frightened/anxious, blaming myself/second guessing myself, then beating myself up for having a problem in the first place. I wish I had more words of wisdom, it must be a very hard situation to balance everything and I really feel for you. I hope that your therapist is able to offer you some support in lieu of your work and your husband. Sending a hug if that's okay with you  :bighug:

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