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The little house is now glued and sealed and ready for submission to the exhibit! it gets dropped off Monday.  here is the Cozy Victorian Cottage! (I have small hands; the base is 6 inches square for reference.)

https://imgur.com/gallery/FSxjWmc

Well, alas, the next visit with my therapist and psych med doc will be the last, as that agency doesn't take Medicare. But they were kind in the office and I'm basically finishing out this month for free.  plus, they emailed me a list of local providers who do take it so I can get started calling.  The BFF recommends his therapist, too, and he's on Medicare, so we'll see who I can find. It's been great working with my T these past three years (wow). We are keeping each other's phone numbers due to our love of recommending good local places to eat, LOL.

On the final stages of gluing on the crochet pieces for the little house project. I'll take pics when the gallery has the showing before the auction. I'm very pleased with how it came out. The front panel is adorable with the little flowers embroidered under the windows. I also made the door open! I hope it gets bid on well. Then also in May, I've got a local poet's society event to go to that has a piece of mine in the collective chapbook.

Winning my case has definitely helped with financial security anxiety. It never goes away entirely, but to be able to relax even a little on the austerity is a strange/nice/slightly scary feeling. I'm sure it'll take a while to sink in. I might even see if there's a way to pay for a little in-home assistance with cleaning or something like, once a month or so, since it's so hard for us. And Bro's chiropractor has now sad absolutely no vacuuming or sweeping or mopping with his back for the foreseeable future. Sigh.

Now to just meet for the last time next week with my psych meds doc and ask for a few more refills to tide me over until I find someone else. She's nice enough that it won't be a problem.

Kizzie-
Yes, I do still check in on this and everyone has been very helpful. There is so much wisdom in our shared experiences and so much healing in knowing we're not alone with our feelings.

Thanks so much, all. Still enjoying the relief here. I'm probably also going to be dual-eligible, so that should cover more. For the non-USA readers, that means I get the disability, which is Federal-level, and Medicaid that I was already on, which is state-level for low income and disabled people. The Disability payments will still be at a level so I can have both. I'm hoping for that because my current therapist that I work really well with, her agency doesn't take the federal level (Medicare) alone. I think it'll be fine, though. I've set up direct deposit although it won't start until the June payment, but that's fine. now I'm just waiting on all the paperwork, ID cards, etc to come in the mail. Oh yeah, I'll have to tell my regular doctor's office about the change too.

It's interesting to see how many things this helps/touches. The company Medicaid went with for vision insurance this year doesn't cover anything but medical eye issues, so I wasn't going to be able to get a new eye exam and glasses.  Now I'll be able to. I had a subscription for an electric toothbrush I had to cancel (Quip, great company, sends replacement head and battery every quarter) that I can renew now. (manual's ok, but I like my Quip.) I can renew the pro level on the app where I track my health info. Just various things I had to pare down over the last year. The relief of knowing that I will be able to cover my part of the bills without worrying about the future is immense.

Needless to say, I've slept pretty decently the last couple of nights. Minus the cat wanting fed, LOL.

Ya'll, gentle group hug. I have cried today, cried with relief. I got Disability! The amount of anxiety I had over this... I think I'm still in a little shock and there are a lot of details to deal with, but that's okay. I'll be okay. 3 years. Three years to get here, and I am so, so grateful.

Just had to share something positive.

Thank you, all, gentle group hug!

BFF is back from the hospital and much better, so that is a huge relief.

I realized in my ACA group today, we were talking about siblings (I have none) and I shared about how I make my inner Teenager feel better and accepted. Although I was away from my abuser before then, I was NOT popular in school.  I was the quiet nerd/weird person in the back of the classroom. Creative writing in English, hung with a couple close friends to play D&D at lunch, made fun of by the popular kids, etc. While I can't afford to dress the way my inner Teenager wants, nor do I have room for a lot of stuff, I've let her and some of the others in my head create wishlists on Amazon. It's kind of a virtual way of expressing one's self. I also let her make a playlist on Spotify, and she's the one who hosts a lot of my creativity. Due to the wide expanse of the internet which I didn't have then (high school was 1984-88), it's like she can find and read about people like her, find audiences for her creative output, feel it's OK to be "weird". If there had been such a thing as Goth/Emo back then in my town, she'd totally have been that. But just letting some of my alters express themselves in these safe ways has gone a long way to things working better in this head.

So, an art center near me does this thing each year called Little Houses. On a certain date, they will hand out rough wooden templates that are blocks connected to for a house shape. You sign up and get a blank, then have 2 months to decorate it/do whatever with it (within size limits) and then turn it back in. They're then auctioned off for charity. I decided to do it this year and challenge my abilities. I crochet, so I decided to cover the house in crochet. BUT! Since it's small, I'm using crochet thread, not yarn. Wow, this stuff is tiny. I'm working on panels to cover each section, then will add details and decorations. I have until April 29 and it's going faster than I thought.

Here's a link to the in-process pics so far. I'll add more as it continues.  little house pics

I also understand overwhelm, and I agree that taking it in bites is easier in general. When I found my therapist, I started out by saying I was willing to try different things because I didn't yet know what would work for me. I also had the intention that my male parental unit had years to do what he did, it's not getting fixed overnight. I'm going on my 3rd year in therapy and can't believe sometimes it's been that long. But it has absolutely helped. I'd say be flexible and take it slowly.

Hi Boatsetsailrose! I also have a core ACA group that I attend and they are so wonderful. it's a great place where I can be the real me and people totally understand. it makes a huge difference to know that I'm not the only one with these issues. Thanks for posting this, I totally second the suggestion. (It does feel a little odd at first, but it's worth it.)

gentle hugs and thank you! I'll put some pics in the art section. The way I'm doing it, I'm crocheting panels for the sections and will be gluing those to the house form. It's progressing much faster than I thought, so I'm going to be adding details. Like, embroidering some tiny flowers under the window piece on the front panel, etc. I'll try crocheting a chimney somehow and see if it looks ok.  If it does, I have some polyfil stuffing I can use a wisp of for smoke, perhaps. I might even see if I can find a pattern for small lace edging for the eaves. Like some Victorian houses have that scalloped decoration on theirs.

Other than that, the last few days have not been pleasant. We didn't get the snowstorms a lot of the midwest USA got, but we got the wind. And of course, wind that strong and sustained puts me right back to the childhood typhoon. The wind lasted for 3 days or so, and it's breezy out still now. Plus, BFF had to go to the hospital again this morning for his issues, so my anxiety is through the roof. I have therapy this afternoon, fortunately. That's probably why I got so much crocheting done even though my hands are aching. I've been trying to focus on it and not the wind. And still no disability letter. I feel forced into a holding pattern and anxious at the same time. That means I'm dissociating a lot recently. I'll "tune back in" and find I've finished something creatively, but it's hours later than I thought it was.

I did manage to tell my ACA group about the undiagnosed OSDD, and they were so loving and accepting, I was nearly crying. There's a core group there where I can be so real and so open. It means a lot to me. Eh, I'm all over the place right now. I'll go post in art before I forget, and I'll try to post here more regularly again.

I highly recommend the weighted blanket. I was lucky enough to find one being given away in a local Facebook group that was the right weight (it's supposed to be 10% of your body weight) and it's really pretty. I got under it during a freak-out and was stunned. I couldn't even explain why it worked, but I did calm down and felt better much faster than normal. Maybe the stimulation distracts your brain? I don't know. I can't really use it when it's warm out, though, at least not for long.

I've thought about "touch starved" and "touch averse". I generally don't willingly touch anyone but my bro and my BFF, and I accept touch from them. They're definitely the only ones I hug. I don't feel like I'm touch starved, but that might be my brain saying that it's better than touch with ulterior motives. I can deal with handshakes to be polite, but things like hugging in workshops? I do not like that, it feels forced and phony to me. There are a few very close friends I've known for decades that I would hug, but they don't live anywhere near me.

Hugs all, thank you so much.

I'm still here. Doing better this month. The creativity is definitely continuing. A local art center has a thing each year where they provide crude little wooden blanks shaped like houses. (think a triangle on top of a cube, like a kid's drawing, not always even angles) You sign up and get a free blank, get 2 months to create a "Little House" in any style/media/composition you want within the size limits, then turn it back in. They then have a showing, the the houses are auctioned off for charity. (they made nearly $9000 last year!)

I went and picked up a blank and signed up today. I'm going to cover it in crochet, but the tiny stuff using crochet thread. I found a stitch pattern that will even work for roof shingles. I'm kind of excited about this. it improves my skills, lets me be creative, and goes to a good cause. I love doing stuff like that. I'm just waiting for the thread to arrive on the Amazon truck sometime today.

Meds staying the same, therapy going decently, definitely doing okay. I'll take it where I can get it. 

Just kinda popping in here as someone who is asexual to clarify a bit: Asexuality is a lack of sexual *attraction* to any person in particular. You can be asexual and have a libido or not, be sex averse or not, it's a spectrum.  Kinda like looking at a menu and going "eh, nothing in particular looks better than anything else." Also I don't usually like that comparison as it encourages the haters who are all "everyone has to want sex, it's how our species continues." For example, I am asexual. I can appreciate someone being aesthetically attractive, but that doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to them. I personally don't care what others do and support a healthy sexuality and safe/sane/consensual choices for others.  As I like to describe it, I might appreciate the artwork, but i don't want to hang it over the fireplace. (LOL)

this is a great resource: https://www.asexuality.org  Asexuality Visibility and Education Network.

It's also important to point out that even if one is asexual due to trauma, that's perfectly valid. It's also valid if that isn't the reason. We're all valid.

Thank you, San, Hope.

Still waiting, still creating. Processed some more grief since the 13th was Mom's birthday. That was still hard. No changes on meds or really anything else for now.

Thank you, Narc & Armee.  Still here. And yes, the meds do make a difference. I've been able to get a little writing done and am currently taking a free class through a local writing group on a different method of making notes for your writing. Not sure how much I like the class or not. It's online and recorded, but the lady contradicts herself several times in the first video alone. Oh well, it's free. I'll just pull what nuggets I can from it, it's only four videos. I do get quite amused at how many authors think their method is the be-all and end-all and everyone can benefit from it. Everyone is creative differently. If it works for you, that's all that matters.

Bro's cat does like the blankie. Now he can switch her blankies out when they need washing or whatever. Not spoiled, though. (eyeroll, ha ha)

BFF has Paramount Streaming, so we've been binging Star Trek: Strange New Worlds a few episodes at a time, usually with lunch or dinner. This show... Wow. One of the execs is Gene Roddenberry's son, and maybe it's his influence, but this show blows me out of the water. I grew up in the first era of re-runs of the original series, and this series has utterly amazing continuity, while simultaneously expanding where the 1960's one didn't. I watch each one, probably with hearts in my eyes, and each one give me such joy. The actors are wonderful, the set and effects are beautiful, and the storylines connect to the original one in delightful ways. It reminds me of one of the good things about being a kid. Being able to re-experience something that makes me happy is amazing, honestly.

I've still had nightmare nights, down days, been triggered and such. But I am not letting go of something that makes me smile, that's for sure.