Messages

Hi, Chamomile.   I am sorry to hear of the abuse you've suffered, but glad to know that you are here with us.  I hope having been diagnosed with CPTSD means you are getting the help you need to heal from trauma and live the life you want and deserve.

Welcome to the forum and hope to see you around. 

Thank you Armee for your kindness.  I am glad to see you back on the forum.

I woke up really struggling today and had to drag myself to therapy.  I slept until right before the appointment so my T got to see me in rare unaltered form.  I had no time to put on my "mask" and pretend to be normal.

We covered a lot but when we reached the part about my mother, I got a sudden rush of emotions and wanted to cry.  Not just a little, but big time.  This rarely happens (it's been many months since the last time) but I held it in.  I wish in hindsight that I had allowed myself to.  I guess I didn't realize I was still holding on to so much pain with regards to my mother.

I haven't felt much like journaling lately but I feel I need to try.

My sleep is out of sync again so I'm staying up til 5am and not waking up until the afternoon.  Headaches almost daily for the past week.  Moods are so-so, at least by my standards (meaning I don't feel good, but it's manageable).  My memory feels very hazy.

I am trying to stay active in my recovery and at least do something positive every day.  Today I listened to part of a podcast, ate some healthy food, cleaned up around the house, and spent time sitting outside by the pool in the sunshine.  It didn't help me to feel better but I'm glad I tried.

I had something of a difficult conversation with my mother a few days ago, and something I just read reminded me of it.  I didn't live with her from ages 13 to 18 and she was largely absent from my life during that time.  This coincided with the worst abuse I endured from my father.

The topic of our conversation moved to why she never attempted to intervene and protect me from him.  I wasn't trying to confront her about it, but it's a fair question, and she really had no answer.  I want to be kind to her, and say that she didn't understand what was going on, but I don't think that's accurate.  I think the truth is, she just accepted that her children were gone and moved on with her life.  I am sure it was extremely painful for her, and I'm glad that she found a new husband and a new path for her life to take.  But I can sense that losing her prematurely left a wound on me.

I should talk to my T about it when I go in this week.

Welcome mgn2021.

I am sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered at the hands of your step-father and mother.  Unfortunately such stories are all too common, but at least you'll find many of us here who understand how you feel.  Trauma seems to affect everyone a little differently but the issues you've described are not unusual.  I deal with many of them myself and I know others here do too.

It's good that you received a proper CPTSD diagnosis and found a good therapist.  Learning to heal and manage our lives isn't easy, but it sounds like you are well on your way.  Hopefully this community will be able to augment the real-life support structure you have in place.

Glad you're here and I wish you all the best in your continued recovery.

Thanks Jazzy!   

Hope, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my journal.  It means a lot to me!  I will try to return the favor soon.

Thank you Jazzy!

Today has been interesting.  I woke up feeling highly depressed and out of it, and it took me a couple of hours to get going.

I finished a 5-hour podcast that I had started a couple of days ago, featuring a woman who is a PTSD survivor (due to experiences in war / combat).  I find it difficult to learn about other people's trauma stories, but doing so seems to help me better understand my own.  The person I was listening to credits plant-based therapies (cannabis and psychedelics) with helping her make huge strides in her recovery. 

When she talked about her deep spiritual experience with ayahuasca, I was able to cry a little.  I am also beginning to notice that there is a tremendous amount of tension in my body, emanating from my core.  I suspect I have been like this for so long that I've mostly forgotten what it feels like to not be on edge.

Despite this anxiety, my mood is better this afternoon, bordering on good.  To whoever may be reading, I hope your week is off to good start. 

Thank you Jazzy for your kind words.  I am grateful for you and everyone else here. <3

Welcome MistyC.  Glad you are here with us. 

Thank you Snowdrop... I appreciate it 

Thank you Armadillo.  I am still hurting today, but I am managing as best I can. 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

I deep cleaned my car today for the first time in quite a while.  As I was clearing out all the compartments, including the glove box which I haven't gone through in years, I was shocked to find an old birthday card that was given to me by my ex. 

Well I say "card" but it's really just a note written on a fancy piece of paper.  I am not sure what year it's from (we were together for three) or why I would've placed it in there.  The handwritten message reads...

You are my sun, my moon, and my stars.  I love you so much and am so happy to have watched you pass another year on this planet.  I hope to watch you pass many more.

The relationship ended almost three years ago, so I've had a lot of time to process it.  In some ways I've been able to move on, and in others it feels like my life has been frozen in time.  The memories still stir many strong emotions.  I miss what it feels like to love someone, and to be loved, even if my RT prevents me from fully experiencing those things. 

I feel very sad now and I can't write anymore tonight.

Hello, SeattleGirl.  I am really sorry to hear about the struggles you've been through in your life.  Rest assured that you've found a safe community here.  Each person here is a survivor doing the best we can to support one another in our recovery from trauma.

You are showing amazing resilience to continue moving forward despite everything you have been through.  What you said about feeling a shift feels very hopeful to me, and I sincerely wish for you to find the healing you need and deserve.

All the best to you.

Thank you Armadillo.  I doubt my friends have any acrimony toward me... my feeling is that they are both just focusing on their own lives.

In better news, I have made a lot of strides this past week with regards to treatment.

- I met a nurse practitioner at the health department that I really liked.  I think I am going to use her as my primary care doctor. 
- I had a bunch of blood work done that found some hormone imbalances, so I am working with a clinic to get them fixed. 
- I applied for Medicaid.

I have also started working with three different Ts.

- The first T is a trauma specialist with skills in EMDR and neurofeedback.  She's in private practice and does not accept insurance, so the financial cost is high.  I have met with her twice.
- The second T is from the health department and I've only met with her once, which basically just consisted of me telling her my story.
- I haven't started with the third T yet, but I did an intake with the local mental health nonprofit and they should assign me a counselor within a few weeks.

My plan is to juggle each of these Ts for a little while until I decide which one is the best fit.  I should also have access to a psychiatrist through the nonprofit, although I am not planning to go back on medication at this time.

I feel good about myself that I am choosing to reach out for help.  It feels like I am "on offense" against my condition for the first time in years, as opposed to just trying to survive.