Messages

Zan, all of your reflections, but especially the one on the "desire to isolate," resonate with me.  I've been navigating and thinking a lot about this.  I have a solitary nature and I value my solitude.  I can see times where it does cross into isolation and is related to trauma, I suppose.  But I have always felt so judged for wanting to be on my own.  My parents were really hard on me about that too. 

For me, the nuance I am trying to find is balancing the tendency I have to always feel like I have to do things on my own and finding people I genuinely trust to connect with when I am stuck.  I think I tend to isolate when I am feeling the effects of CPTSD and I've found a few people (that is currently 2.5 people) that I can reach out to and process with. 

It's still a process and I often feel like I am on the outside and don't have a place.  I am trying to create my own place and sense of belonging.  I have been wondering if I trust myself and feel I belong in my body how that will help me in relationship to others. 

I am glad you are sharing here.

Thank you for your insights, rainydiary.  I am sorry that others have judged you for wanting time to yourself.  Some of us need a lot, and I don't believe there is anything wrong with it.  My mother commented to me to the other day that even in my early childhood (i.e. prior to when my relational trauma started) I was often content to play by myself.  I think for some of us it's just innate.

Asking others for help is something I have struggled with for as long as I remember.  It's part of my relational trauma that I will likely cover in another entry.  I am one of a circle of three close friends who support each other, but lately the other two have been quite distant and disconnected.  I am trying not to take it personally, and also can't help but wonder if I have done something to cause it.

Your comment about creating your own place and community really speaks to me.  I have been sitting on the feeling for awhile now that if I can't find a place that feels like home to me, then perhaps I will have to set about building it myself. 

I got the sense you were writing for yourself to process and didn't want to interfere with that so have been quiet. But i think it is very interesting how you've gone through each symptom like this and I feel like when I have the physical and mentsl space I'd like to do the same.

Thank you Armadillo.  I am honestly moved at how considerate of a thought you've shared.  I think journaling is beneficial for me whether anyone reads it or not, but I find being able to share it with others is also quite meaningful.  Please feel welcome (but never obligated) to read and/or comment and I will be happy to consider whatever you have to say.

I have found this process of studying my trauma to be difficult, but crucial.  In fact I have heard from no less than three sources this week, independent of each other but all dealing with some aspect of recovery, how important it is.  I expect it will be an ongoing process for the foreseeable future, and right now I feel okay with that.

With that out of the way, I just want to pause for a moment and say thank you to everyone who reads and comments on my journal.  I don't expect anyone to do so, but I appreciate it, and I hope my writing can be helpful to you in some way.

If you have read or commented in my journal and I haven't done the same for you, I apologize.  I read some when I feel I can, but it is difficult because I am at such a weak point in my recovery.
However I don't want anyone here to feel like they are not important or valued.  I believe you all deserve to be heard and cared for, and again I hope that is something I can contribute more to, both in the present and the future. 

[Disturbed relationships (DR)]

Disturbed relationships (DR)

Social anxiety

I tend to have a hard time in social situations.  I have a fear that I am always on the verge of humiliating myself and allowing people to see that I am a failure and a fraud.  Sometimes I can "throw caution to the wind" and allow myself to take risks, such as allowing my personality to show.  But I never feel comfortable and I have a tendency to just avoid interacting with others as much as I can.

Desire to isolate

I spend a lot of time alone.  I always have.  I tend to get tired out after a certain amount of exposure to others and I don't feel normal unless I get enough alone time.  I don't know if this is my natural personality or a consequence of relational trauma (probably both).  Part of the reason I avoid others is I feel like I have nothing to offer and no one could possibly be interested in me.  I know one side of me is quite lonely, but the other is relieved to be able to move through life largely unnoticed.

Feeling different from others

I often feel like I don't have much in common with other people.  I have made many acquaintances over the years, but few close friendships.  I don't really have any interest in mainstream culture and I don't have hobbies or things that help me to meet others.  I have never really found a place or a community that felt like home.

Mistrust

I tend to be cynical, especially of mainstream establishments and authority figures.  There is part of me that wants to be optimistic, but it's difficult to do so with the current state of our world and culture.  I feel a persistent internal conflict in wanting to see the best in others, when my experience has been that they consistently let me down.

Fear of vulnerability and intimacy

I have a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable, especially to romantic partners.  My last relationship lasted almost three years and yet I don't think I ever allowed myself to be a full participant in it.  I never really felt supported by my partner, and for the most part I don't feel supported by my family or friends.  I always feel alone, even when I'm not.

Thank you, rainydiary.

I'm reflecting more on what I said about being highly critical of myself.  I want to know more but looking into myself in this manner is like peering into a heavy fog, or a dark body of water.  I can't see through to the end or make out any of the details of what lies within.  I only know that it is deep and overwhelming, and will require careful consideration to safely navigate.

[Negative self-concept (NSC)]

Negative self-concept (NSC)

Highly critical of self

I have a deep, intense disdain for the parts of myself that are weak and undisciplined.  Part of it is due to relational trauma, and part of it is because I believe I am capable of being so much more than I currently am.

I have a done a lot of work in recent years on being patient with myself and trying to find acceptance for my flawed humanity.  I believe I have made strides in this area but I suspect that I still have much farther to go.

There is more that I want to say here but I'm having trouble finding the right words.  I will have to revisit this later.

Feeling worthless

There is a voice in my narrative that believes I am not capable of living a good life.  That in spite of my apparent talents or my best intentions, I am destined to fail.  This prevents me from being confident so it needs to be addressed.

However, I don't think trying to silence the voice is the answer.  I should pause to consider where it comes from and why it persists.  Again, I am failing to find the words I want, which gives rise to anger.  But I accept that today, this is the best I can do.

That is an incredible story, Jazzy.  I am so moved by the love and compassion you are giving to Blueberry.  You are showing so much courage.  I hope your sister is able to stop by and be there for you both.

Welcome, Bodhi_§.  I am glad you found your way here to this community.  I have only been here a short time myself but everyone here is so supportive and just wants to help each other.  I'm so sorry to hear about the pain of your upbringing and I respect and appreciate the courage you've shown in sharing some of it with us.

I will say, it sounds like you've found a safe place to live and also a therapist who is trauma-aware.  To me that feels very hopeful, so I hope it does for you too.  Relational trauma is awful but I believe healing and renewal are possible for each and every one of us.

Once again, glad you are here with us and hoping for the best for you in your continued recovery. 

Jazzy, I haven't had a chance to read all of your journals but, I wanted to say that it's inspiring for me to see how much journaling you've done.  I noticed you started your first one almost 2 years ago and it's awesome that you've kept at it all this time.  Great job!

Thank you, CactusFlower

Thank you, rainydiary.  I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment.  It makes me feel good to know that you are benefitting... all the best to you.

[Affect dysregulation (AD)]

Affect dysregulation (AD)

Depression is probably the worst symptom I deal with, and I suppose this is the category where that belongs.  I exist in an almost constant state of physical fatigue and emotional apathy where it is a major challenge to do anything healthy or productive.  I don't get a lot of genuine pleasure out of anything, nor am I able to consistently find the will to pursue goals and try to improve my life.  I am not giving up hope but I just feel tired, empty, and hollow all the time.

I also struggle a lot with feeling like I'm not really present in my own life.  Time is passing me by and I feel the sadness of what is being lost every day, but even when I muster up the energy to do normal things I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  I guess this could be described as dissociation (a term I am still struggling to fully understand).  However you describe it, I feel like I am not really in control of my own life anymore.

There is more that I could write here but it's a lot to unpack and I'm not really ready to talk about it yet.

BeeKeeper, I appreciate your suggestions on how to deal with some of the things that make me uncomfortable.  I think you are correct to point out the advantage that recognition brings, since it opens up the possibility for us to make mindful choices.  I find that sometimes I'm able to work through my feelings and proceed, and sometimes I just have to disengage.  I am trying to be patient and not push myself too hard in this stage of my recovery... to just accept my limitations for now and try to love myself in spite of my flaws.

Notalone, I'm sorry you also deal with the issue of an overactive mind.  I met with a new T for the first time this past week (who claims to be a trauma specialist) and she asked me to start by identifying / experimenting with different ways to help calm my emotions.  I have a few that I already know about and I hope I can discover more.

Wishing you both all the best in your continued recovery.

Thank you CactusFlower for your reply.  I'm sorry you deal with many of the same challenges with regard to overstimulation.  I agree with your comment about hypervigilance too.  I know I expend a nontrivial amount of mental energy every day trying to avoid situations where I fear I will be overwhelmed.

Thank you Jazzy and Kizzie for your support and sharing your feelings.  The relationship between food and RT is certainly something that could use more research and understanding, along with more institutional support in general for those of us with eating issues.  We get so little compared to other substances, even when our eating closely resembles the same addictive pathology and comes with many of the same destructive consequences.

[Persistent sense of threat (SOT)]

Persistent sense of threat (SOT)

Hypervigilance

I feel like my brain is always switched on.  It's like a neverending loop of perceiving and analyzing everything I come into contact with.  In some ways it is a good thing.  I feel safer having high spatial awareness, and it's exceedingly rare for me to forget, lose, or overlook things.  But it is also distracting and exhausting. 

For example, I went to the park yesterday to read, but I couldn't bring myself to feel safe enough to relax and focus on my book.  There were too many people and sounds.

However even when I am in a safe place with fewer irritants, such as being at home, I still find it hard to just feel calm.  My mind still races, recalling the past or visualizing the future, relentlessly scrutinizing inside and out.  Even in complete stillness the hamster wheel rarely stops turning.

Heightened startle response

I have a difficult time with certain external stimuli.  Bright lights make me uncomfortable, particularly if they are very white or garishly colored.  I feel the calmest around warmer tones, earth tones, or pastels.

Sounds are even worse.  Loud noises heighten my sense of unease, even making me angry sometimes.  The worst by far is dogs barking.  My ex-girlfriend and I adopted two dogs together and one of them would bark every time it heard a noise outside our apartment, which was often.  It would also bark at me every time I entered our home, which was unsettling and stressful for me.  I avoid dogs as much as possible now.

I generally have a low tolerance for chaotic places and situations and I make it a point to avoid them whenever possible.