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   I was able to release during emdr therapy and that was a good thing - apparently I've forgotten or stuffed so far down so many things I simply can't bring them up all the time so the emdr therapy helped them resurace as though they were happening and I was able to deal with them and file them away as processed memories instead of being right up front affecting my daily being ...

Kizzie, good luck getting started on psychotherapy. Let us know your progress. I too lived with a mother like that and I have read a library of books read and therapists visited. Check out EMDR therapy - it's very good and it helpd me tremendously and of course I had a good psychologist - not a "therapist" so make sure you do shop well for a professional that suits your needs. I finally realized I needed a higher degree of help than a corner store therapist. Although good for some, I needed someone with more education and experience. And I found her and she was and still is my angel. Finding that balance as you progress can also be difficult as we continue to beat ourselves up when we are not perfect - because that is the way we were trained ... any small move outside the boundaries did not go unnoticed and was punished so therefore we strive for nothing but perfection and why? we are not perfect souls - we are here to learn and live an unperfect life so that we can improve ... having to live with that as a child is unbearable and so abusive that I can't even tell you where I would be able to begin. Got to run for now but much love and luck ... V

Hi Tired, my mother was like yours and my family was like yours. I left her alone a long time ago and I don't look back anymore. She passed and I didn't go to her funeral. I hadn't felt anything for so long that it wasn't worth it. I did stay home from work and I did grieve alone for a few days. You are not a terrible person for abandoning your own mother or even just thinking about it all. It's horrible to be manipulated and to feel like you truly were never mothered in a good way. I tell my friends who have good mothers that I envy them. I felt like you for so long, confused, the guilt, the shame, the freezing ... then came the thaw and my life changed for the good. There is hope so don't give up. Continue the fight. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself daily and first. Take care of "you" because she didn't and "you" need that more than anything.

It's ok just to be whatever. You have nothing to prove to no-one. You are here, you are loved by your children and you have a right to anything anyone else does. Your mother does not have the right to emotionally abuse you so do not let her do that to you. You will have to let go completely and stop looking for her approval because it was never there. She is incapable of caring about anything but herself. And it's ok to be on your own. Many others have made it because we took care of ourselves and loved ourselves and we don't abuse ourselves with bad thoughts (well that is the goal).

Find the beauty in simple things. Be grateful for what you have in the present and move forward in life building on those grateful things. Life is beautiful and guess what? I found later in life about ten years ago, a substitute mother that needed a substitute daughter so my life has come full circle. When my mumzie passes, I will most like grieve more than I did with my own mother who was never a mother to me. I found my people and so will you but for now you might need to walk alone for awhile to find your path. You really are not alone but it feels like that for sure because there will be helpers along the way like us - but it is still and always will be, your journey.

I marvel at my age at how far I've come, never thinking I would make it this far in my life and be aware of so much. Never stop learning. My realization started very young and so did the research.

I will be back but need to run for now. Stay sweet and love yourself!

V

    sorry, DU you journaled so much, I think that is/was a good way to help work yourself through this. I am not sure that would have helped me but I do find myself writing alot down when I am troubled with keeping track of things for whatever reason ...

    my "awareness" started at age 7 so if I had journaled my entire life - I am now 57 - ha, I may have surely beaten the number of your stack of journals. Someday I hope that you are able to finally and happily take them all out to the burning pit and light them up! well, that is a nice thought but so much work ... one might not want to even think about that ... but if you can come to the point that you have absolutely no doubt anymore then maybe it is time to just stop and get on with your life of freedom and believe me it's super duper peaceful !

    me for instance, just eliminated those family members from my life that truly were out to cause me pain - mainly my mother - and the rest of the siblings, well I tolerate them once a year at the family picnic where they oogle and google me to see what I am up too - ha, now who are they to say anything to me but I would cut them short like butter

   I love the wolf quotes by the native american indians ... "throw me out to the wolves and I will return leader of the pack"

keep the faith DU and god bless you and all of us ... Peace, V ! 

DU you

Hello and good one Dutch Uncle ! you are quite the good conversation starter ... me on the other hand was not raised with good conversation so I'm a tad short and blunt sometimes - but still learning bless all our hearts ...

- no I never had a name for the family I was born into - but hmmmm they sure had names for me!  I was the black sheep, which my father teased me about later in life and I didn't care for that since he was a part of it - I guess he wanted to think he wasn't a part but he could have stopped it and he didn't so he was a part of it all as far as I'm concerned ... I was mainly the "bad one" as my mother introduced me to a new friend of hers and at that age I was 35 and wanted to just out and out slap the * out of her - I would call her a loser today, I told her at age 37 that she surely wasn't a role model for me and that if she didn't start treating me with respect that I wouldn't speak to her. That lasted for less than 2 months and I never spoke to her again. Couldn't go to her funeral. I told my older brother who happens to be some sort of phycologist that I was hopeful that she might find happiness on the other side because she surely wasn't happy here on earth.

Caoi~ for now, Pease! V

JB, yes yes, just a small place so you can still afford to slowly pay off the debts - don't have to go all out - just need a place to make some food, bed and bath ... you need to take good care of yourself and be patient and while you are taking care of you and your "backlog" you still have time for a good life with your kids and finding your way in the world with the new you who is only moving forwards.

Talk to the ex yes but beware of any traps. If it's on the up and up, it will sometimes be heartbreaking for the loss of the past but hey - we can all hope that our loved ones turn out right after all that is what they should want for us. Again, there are those that only want us back in the same position on the wheel where we can be used and they can take from us what they don't have or don't want to earn on their own. Make sure you are only letting the good ships in the harbor, not the bad ships who mean you some sort of harm. If the hair stands up on the back of your neck, then be cautions. She doesn't understand, she may never understand.

So - listen to your spirit, for it knows the way ...

I love all the poetry guys!!!

Here is one of my very favorites which i am sharing because I read this poem for the first time when I was 7 years old. I knew then that my family was dysfunctional - mainly my mother - who was trying so hard to beat me into the person she wanted me to be. I only wanted to be myself and I am good and loving. She was mean and hateful -  so I'm glad I read this and yes I totally understood it at that age - it was clear as a bell. I was on the right path age 7 - god saved me!

On Children
by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

 - everyone - this is an excellent reference for emotions, healing, empathy, etc ... Karla McLaren is great !!!     http://karlamclaren.com

this book is very good - I've read it about ten times = Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential--and Endangered by Bruce D. Perry = I cried and then marvel at the revelations ... it all comes from how we were raised in the environment as children ... we are not born this way - we are born to love but if that is not nourished and nurtured in a respectful manner or at all, we become impaired - this applies to everyone - there are no exceptions ...

What happened to us is not too difficult to figure out - it's how to repair what has happened to us so that we might function as best we can for the remainder of our lives. Read Read Read - do all you can to gather as much information you can and take care of yourself and love yourself first. It takes time for all the info to settle in if you just keep reading ... but you too can get there - just keep pushing forward. After all, there is no other way to go ...

Peace and Love, from V

    wow, I should get this book - it sounds pretty good ... I have read alot in 50 years (started age 7) - but there is always more and more read so that I don't forget and I keep trying to improve

Sorry PaintedBlack about not being able to let it out - yet - until you can, we will cry for your soul for you ... there is always hope so don't ever give up!

I had a friend for 40 years that couldn't cry. She and I ended up apart - long story - but linked to everything here of course ... not sure if she ever did learn to cry but it was difficult for us at times. I cry at the drop of a sad hat but not too bad anymore since I cried my eyes out years ago for all the years lost. Now I spend more time trying to cram what I can into what time I have left.

love to all, V

wow pheonix318

it sounds like she may have so much going on and that so much has happened that in order for you to heal you may need to get away from it all ...

perhaps after all this there is nothing left and I don't mean that to sound frightening but I've been there ...

you can be supportive but you also have and need alot of healing yourself ...

no one in a relationship deserves to be treated that way and the children do not need to be around this for sure becuase they too are now scarred

sounds like she is an alcholic, narcissist, phychotic behavior, personality disorder, more issues than one can possibly deal with - yes, if the drinking has certainly stopped for sure then she is dealing with alot of emotions and she needs help with that but so do you and then you both need help coping together ... gee, at one time, I was seeing a therapis, my (x now)husband was seeing a therapist and we were seeing one together ... 

a big part of our dysfunction starts from our environment - we were not born this way - learned in early childhood where we all take a spoke on the family wheel and are expected to play out our part no matter what and then when some of us start to find a way out and are longer playing the same roles - they get uncomfortable because we are changing (for the good but they don't understand) and try so despearatly to draw us back into their little world on the wheel and to get us back into that very same position so their world doesn't collapse - lies, negativty, drama, stress, they will use any means necessary - that is why we have to get away from that to survive ...

focus on getting strong financially to get your own place and be self sufficent and get away from all the drama, stress, negativity - you don't deserve that either ...

VF - thank you for that - you just cleared that way up for me ... see I had this friend of 40 years and right before my husband and I separated I caught her and my husband emailing between them about me negatively. I approached them both about this and asked that it stop, which it didn't. She said she was sorry but then would always add I don't know what the big deal is - you've done the same thing (not) and I never said anything to you - so in a way I couldn't forgive her if she would just say she was sorry but brush it off like it was nothing. I asked that we meet and try to figure out as friends what happened, what went wrong, where we both went wrong and how we could prevent this from happening again in order to establish a better friendship for the future but she absolutely refused. I didn't understand why but I got it. So be it. She was out of my life in a flash. Along with my husband. I "divorced" them both ... and of course they are still talking - and she has a husband and i spent 20 years of my life supporting her when she was always having arguments with him and running to my house just to get away. I always tried to be understanding and supportive of her. I don't think either one of them liked the fact that I was working and going to school full time trying to further my career in order that if one day my bi-polar always depressed x-husband could no longer work, at least I could support us. OMG, listen to me. I am the sane one. "They" did this to me. Truly I did nothing but try to better myself. They can both go fly a kite. I am happy and have a wonderful man in my life right now and I still have plenty of other friends who still enjoy me and I enjoy them!

so sorry JB - I feel ya!

been there, done that, and walked through the pain ... sometimes it rains hard and we can't see the end of the storm ...

god or fate or what have you has been good to me - at age 57, I am still here and I still have hope and the next one has always been better - yes, different, but a better match for me - sometimes I think that is part of the plan - of course that does not dimish the pain at all ...

if she doesn't know what she is missing - be the good man you are and show us all when you can dig deep and find your bootstraps!!!

Survivor, just read your story with horror - brought back memories - my family was more subtle than that - I was the black sheep, introduced well into adulthood by mother as "oh, and this is the bad one" ... only because I saw and knew them and didn't want to be a part of them so I was labled the bad one ...

Anyway, get away from all that, please - no one needs that and you have so much of a chance for a sweeter life without that misery - who needs that ? no one ... yes limit exposure and well I basically disconnected and just moved on in life with me and my sanity and did well I must add - they in fact, did not do as well so there is that!

they will always try to draw you back to the circle, because they need someone to abuse - it's the cycle of course - so just break your spoke and get off the wheel completely - you truly do not need them anyway ... get out there and be free to shine and grow and love and learn and enjoy life as it should be - without drama and stress by the "crazies" I call them ...

Kudos! and Peace by with you!!!