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VeryFoggy, so happy for your revelation - I've been there, and gone backwards - only to find that I really didn't step backwards but moved back in order to reflect some more - walking into work one day it hit me that I was always on the defensive, why was I so defensive just walking into work - I started to smile and drop the shoulders and with my head up high I was sailing - quietly though ... not to disturb the one on my shoulder who has the voice ...

I've been through so much healing and I'm actually not doing anything right now except this forum that I had found last year - still delving in it to "remember" ... i do still see that i have a few issues but god has put people in my path to help teach me some of their ways of coping with things and I adopt and grow more each day ...

I still have trouble forgiving - I mean why or for what reason would someone do something so mean to begin with unless that person was not right - so forgive ? ha - forget - no way ... I ignore and move on and stay wary of that one and others like it that come along

what is normal for me is this "it is what it is" - my saying and I like it - if its right it's right, if its wrong ? well I can't change it so I just swerve out of it's way and move on - smiling of course ...

so glad you have found some peace and I know from reading that you have hit the button and I am happy for you and still have hope that others will make it out too - we have soooo much life to live and love and learn that going backwards is not productive 

thanks for the post and for the welcome Dutch Uncle - I hope you had a good holiday time -

not sure how you copy the quotes to respond to but : "This resonates strongly with me. A quiet but firm resistance to her efforts. I've just started (a few years now) to openly resist her efforts. I'm getting verbal about what I actually do in those moments, instead of doing it in the privacy of my own mind. Outwards is better, even though it means going through the pain, instead of shutting the pain out."

yes I do think we must try hard to detach and go through the pain once we flow into adulthood to form our own self finally but it is very hard after all that sowing being done in bad soil - but try to just keep on being and finding your true self - after all there is only one you and whatever your thoughts on any matter it is truly your thought, your opinion, you are entitled to that and no one has to agree and you don't have to agree with no one

and although I understand about shutting the pain out, try to reverse it and "don't let the pain in" anymore - don't accept that garbage into yourself - you have enough to deal with that you don't need more ... for me then it became my struggle for survival and there was nothing left to feel for her - I surely wasn't able to figure her out - no one else could either so I didn't feel like it was my task in life - I just wanted to get away - far away - even though mentally that took alot longer than I ever expected ...  how does one figure out what a person who isn't right is trying to say or why they do what they do ? just get out man and save yourself lol - not funny because it's been so long since I've been there - but the more I read and write the more I see that I was never alone and that this happens so much more than we know ... so it's not just me, or you -

she just happened to be my mother, just an ordinary woman, who met a man, conceived and had children ... and so the story goes that we are just happenstance indivuduals involuntarily subjected to trying to grow up under these people ... see, not every woman should have children - looking back and knowing now what was missing for me for a long time was my father's input ... oh yes well she had a nervous breakdown and had to go to the mental hospital right after I married her and brought her to my hometown to live (now Dad, wasn't that your first clue ? but you had to go on and have children after that) ... and he didn't stand up to her so how could we as children stand up for ourselves to her if he didn't -

see the worst kind of narcissists are one the ones where those around them enable them to just continue their plight - Dad just told me a few years ago that he was afraid to come home from work sometimes - he was afraid of what she had done to us that day while he was away ... oh but later on it was ok that he was able to just walk away and he left us with her anyway - to suffer even more as the worst yet to come was after he divorced her ... so suffering from abandonment from the father was just another block on top of the pile ...

we all deal differently with trauma - we make it on different levels it seems - I see that with my siblings - as my sister screamed at me and said "why can't you love our mother as I do" and I replied "I do love our mother but don't let anyone else treat me like that - and I won't let her do that just because she gave birth to me"

got to run for now ... keep the faith!  V

age 7 my narcissistic mother told me I was evil to the core, she could see it in my eyes ... hmmm ... well i could only turn the other cheek so many times - after that I shut her out and she hated me for that for the rest of her life - for not being able to get inside me and manipulate me and make me serve her which was her ill - she knew I knew she wasn't right - i fought hard and i have scars but i survived not knowing how - grace I suppose ... she would abuse me stilli if she knew that god had saved me as I chose the light at age 7 rather than stay in and around her darkness to be sucked in and never see light again

i was 37 before all the lifetime of searching and reading and trying to understand started to jell into sense and I was then able to finally walk away completely - no regrets at 20 years later and present I sometimes grieve for so much time lost but i am overtly grateful for what I have now and continue to improve on for the remainder of my life

I have me, it's just me unless I let others in and around - only the good ones - no more drama and stress; my body can't take it ... my soul years for the beauty of nature, the goodness of life and those who are open to wonder ... beauty is not always the truth but truth to me is always beautiful

trust in yourself and what you know is right and wrong and forget trying to make sense of the wrong that was imposed on you - it is their journey - you have your own ...

there is nothing to forgive ... what you continue to feel is the shame and the blame and the horror that was imposed on you by others - things circle in our heads unnecessarily - so much waste of living to relive arrows from the past

I stand in front of the mirror and tell the world that I am here, , I am good, I make mistakes, I am human, I belong, I have a right to live just as any other soul, I will learn, I will grow, I will understand, and I will no longer let my parents' or anyone else shame me and blame me for being inoccuously mortal

peace!

ah - my dear zebra, you are you no matter what anyone does or says - only you've had a rough start figuring out who you are because you've had to deal with alot of family members' problems ... strive for balance daily, eat your healthy diet, get excercise, paint flowers upon your dark background, and stay away from stress and drama because it is now your life and your life only to live how you choose

life is sometimes hard when things are not going right and it is in those moments when I am most quiet and reflective and hopeful - most times its just a matter of getting through the day safely and sanely - when the lows come, find ways to dig deep and find your light - the beautiful "you" deep inside is craving to be held and loved and paid attention to - sit and look at nature and marvel in the wonder of this vast world and all the beauty that has been given to us - create your new world out of things that you love and cherish and strive for - not money necessarily - just a grateful balance of the necessities

don't look back, look forward and stay in the present - you are ok now - what happened to you was so sad but it is the past and you have the choice to be different from this moment in time forward - you are good and you are here and will find a worthy purpose - stay away from people who want to influence you in negative ways with drugs, alcohol, and their own problems and pain -don't let them into your "harbor" - only let in the worthy ships into your beautiful port of being - we all need good souls around us to help us all move forward in the right direction

the native americans said "the past can't be changed and therefore we should not grieve"

we are right here in this moment and we have the power to be more creative and move in a positive direction and surround ourselves in a safe and healthy and loving environment where the inside is the same as the outside - let the tears come and when they dry our souls breath new air ...

with much love and hope for you, V

That is good JB, so good ... stay in the present and continue to learn and grow - that is what life is all about. We can't change our past but we can make better choices in the present. Stay in the present. Live a good life, strive for a happy balance, laugh, learn, and most of all love. I always told my son, do better than I did in life. And he did. It is for our children to carry forth and forge a new world but they need a good base from which to form their concepts of life. No one is perfect, no one. It is for us to continue to work toward perfecting ourselves and that my friends is where lies the joy! Peace!!!

I totally agree with it all. Hey, what works for one may work for another just like alternative medicine works where modern medicine fails. It is truly in the brain where we store our emotions and memories and trauma that leads us to "use" to mask the pain of it all ... some are so far gone it is very difficult to bring them back since they don't have a good base starting point to attempt to return to but I am forever hopeful.

hello to papillon - no I was not offered a drug however I sought emdr therapy for ptsd and it worked -

and I would suggest anyone try it - I am a true believer in finding a good having a therapist my therapist must have been an angel since she's disappeared after I started into my good healing period after she gave me the treatment and although I never had to go back to her I can't find her

anyway to make a long story short, her thought process was "find and treat the root of the cause of the pain and then the addiction is no longer needed" - tis true for me in my case

I'm new to this site so I don't know if this is a repeat of information ...

caoi - V

Dear Johnny Boy ... don't let this woman bounce you around - it's her rollercoaster and you don't have to ride - be true to yourself first and then your children - they grow and repeat patterns learned from their environment so a better role model is what they need - put your efforts there and don't let yourself be manipulated. If it feels wrong it is wrong - and you bet she is most likely manipulating the children so how does that feel ? Sick right? Read up on narcissistic behavior and see if that fits her.  The more you know the more you understand and the more you can move away from the pain and be stable and normal and start enjoying and being grateful for what you have left - your sanity and 3 beautiful children - and the children need you and your morals/higher standards of living life more than they need hers

... just a note from an older sage woman with the experience and education to stand up and say what is right for those who could use a little light ... and i have much to give ... love to all !