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Messages - Auraclemum

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Hello everyone, this is my first post. In fact, I'm very new to CPTSD. I didn't even know what it was, let alone that I had it until a few weeks ago. My therapist diagnosed me and has suggested I go on antidepressants, which I have not purchased yet. Allow me to tell you my story.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years with a narcissist. He broke me. Destroyed my trust, made me crazy, and manipulated me almost to the point of suicide. About this time of year in 2015 - I found that I was bearing his child. Of course, him being a narc was incredibly hard to cooperate through the pregnancy and through a few months time he was already putting me through *. I was under too much stress and it was not healthy for my pregnancy, this was when I put my foot down and escaped him. He was gone for half of my pregnancy and until our daughter was 1 month old. He was not there for her birth, and did not make any effort in being involved whatsoever. I made the mistake of contacting him (though he had made it so I needed to gain closure - telling some people he wanted to be a father and telling others he did not).

However, I have been with someone new for quite some time now. He was there for me through the pregnancy, the birth of my daughter, and he helps me through my moments of relapse and CPTSD terrors. He is a wonderful father to my daughter. I sometimes feel like I am not good enough for him, because I sometimes find myself fantasizing over my ex and having flashbacks of his emotional manipulation... I feel like I do not deserve to be treated well because of what my ex made me think I deserve. Being with me is an immense challenge and it is very hard for me to not leave him because I feel that I cannot fully recover with anyone in my life. I often try to push him away, though he will not cave. He is wonderful.

Now, my daughter is 4 months old. My ex the narc has met our daughter twice and has not offered to help pay for anything with her, and did not even think to get her a gift for her first Christmas. We have both attended "For the Sake of the Children" classes and are awaiting mediation to help us decide whether co-parenting is an option for us or what we should do. I am dead set on going into that session soon and claiming all the reasons I do not want him involved:

1. My daughter has a father. One who will not abuse her. It isn't as if she is missing out on having two healthy parents.
2. Narcissists are incapable of loving their children. They view them as accomplishments.
3. Co-parenting with a narcissist is pointless according to many psychologists.
4. I do not want his negativity around my family for I know it will only hurt my little girl and I will protect her at all costs.

...among many other reasons.

My questions for my fellow over-comers of the storm...
Should I make an effort to co-parent with the Narc?
Even though I am still in recovery, is my relationship healthy or should I be alone?
Has anyone gone through this? Please tell me your story!


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