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Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief
« on: February 01, 2023, 05:43:12 PM »dear armee, just the right words again. it really helped. thank you.

finally seeing a bit of sun thru the clouds and thunderstorms of my mind the past few . . . days? weeks? a month? anyway, i wrote in a few journals, then just ran out of steam! but i want to relay a little of what happened in therapy.
as i was talking about some of the 30-yr. long D1 stuff to my T (which also includes my ex for 40 yrs. and icky L during the same time period for about 8 yrs), several times my T mentioned she didn't know how i've survived it all. i said that i just kept doing what needed to be done. i mentioned that my D's book will be ready for editing/proofreading soon (my job) and that i was nervous that my mind won't be right enough to catch and change mistakes. my T replied 'well, it's a do what you can type of situation, isn't it?'
i said 'no. i have to do it. (we don't have the money to hire someone else). this has been the story of my life - i've been consistently in such situations of can/can't and i didn't let it apply to me until lately. something like this, i shouldered the burden and just did it. someone once told me i'm a flower cart pony who's been pulling the wagon of a draft horse.
i also said at one point, after i told her my D1 has tortured me for 30 or so years that sometimes i think i'm being dramatic or it really wasn't that bad (to use such a word as torture), and she quietly said, 'those sound like the words of your father.' light bulb moment. so that's where the ICr comes from! it made total sense, i could hear it as if coming from him. 'don't be so . . .' or 'it's all in your mind' or 'what are you making such a big fuss about?' those kinds of put downs of my 'self'. it's come at me in so many different kinds of ways.
still, as i told her, i am so very tired of feeling miserable. struggling thru these days lately has been more and more difficult. thank the stars for all of you - it so helped to come here and see hugs and words of support and validation. thank you all.