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Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief

« on: February 01, 2023, 05:43:12 PM »

dear armee, just the right words again.  it really helped.  thank you.   

finally seeing a bit of sun thru the clouds and thunderstorms of my mind the past few . . . days? weeks? a month?  anyway, i wrote in a few journals, then just ran out of steam!  but i want to relay a little of what happened in therapy.

as i was talking about some of the 30-yr. long D1 stuff to my T (which also includes my ex for 40 yrs.  and icky L during the same time period for about 8 yrs), several times my T mentioned she didn't know how i've survived it all.  i said that i just kept doing what needed to be done.  i mentioned that my D's book will be ready for editing/proofreading soon (my job) and that i was nervous that my mind won't be right enough to catch and change mistakes.  my T replied 'well, it's a do what you can type of situation, isn't it?'

i said 'no.  i have to do it. (we don't have the money to hire someone else).  this has been the story of my life - i've been consistently in such situations of can/can't and i didn't let it apply to me until lately.  something like this, i shouldered the burden and just did it.  someone once told me i'm a flower cart pony who's been pulling the wagon of a draft horse.

i also said at one point, after i told her my D1 has tortured me for 30 or so years that sometimes i think i'm being dramatic or it really wasn't that bad (to use such a word as torture), and she quietly said, 'those sound like the words of your father.'  light bulb moment.  so that's where the ICr comes from!  it made total sense, i could hear it as if coming from him.  'don't be so . . .' or 'it's all in your mind' or 'what are you making such a big fuss about?'  those kinds of put downs of my 'self'.  it's come at me in so many different kinds of ways.

still, as i told her, i am so very tired of feeling miserable.  struggling thru these days lately has been more and more difficult.  thank the stars for all of you - it so helped to come here and see hugs and words of support and validation.  thank you all.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sage's Journal

« on: February 01, 2023, 05:26:16 PM »

hey, CF, well done in discovering this about yourself.  as you said, these kinds of realizations can explain a lot.  our minds are wondrous organisms in the creative way they figure out how to protect us, keep us sane and surviving.  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2022

« on: February 01, 2023, 05:23:00 PM »

it was a huge betrayal, notalone.  no wonder you're furious.  makes perfect sense - i'm glad for you, even tho it's awful, that you can feel those feelings and put them where they belong.  his avoidance seems to have been a type of abuse, to my mind.  i'm with you.  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: The Next Version Of Me

« on: February 01, 2023, 05:19:27 PM »

and still here w/ you, bach.  i get it.  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter

« on: February 01, 2023, 05:18:45 PM »

still w/ you, armee, even when i'm MIA.  hang tough, my dear, ok?  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief

« on: January 31, 2023, 06:30:00 AM »

armee, you know i love what you say to me.  thank you.

hope, your words made perfect sense - thanks for not deleting them.

the glass shattered today.  it was all about my D1, 20 yrs. of torture, too many emotions to grasp, and the shards caused such deep pain i can hardly bear it.  the past few nites i'd had dreams about being very mad at my D who was being unusually stubborn, resistant, and disrespectful, and about having to move to a new place to live.

i've transferred other people to take the place of D1 in dreams before, and i knew that's what was happening in these.  i woke up early this morning, couldn't get back to sleep, and my thoughts went straight to her, wondering if, as her mom, i should reach out one more time.  i knew in my head it was a bad idea, but my heart hurt for her, the pain she's been in so much of her life, and i finally broke down, asked my D to tell me it wouldn't make a difference.

she was forceful in her answer - absolutely not.  she reassured me that D1 is continuing doing the same things all this time, including looking for and unwisely spending money, and switching therapists each time one tells her something she doesn't want to hear.  she's been doing that since her teens.

yeah, i'm strong, hope, but this relationship w/ D1 has come the closest to breaking me more than once.  i ran to mex. for my life and sanity becuz of the situation w/ her, (and w/ my ex), and she tortured me over and over w/ her years of silence - always at her discretion - or her hurtful, painful, mean and nasty things she'd say and do to me, even while i'd be in the midst of helping her w/ her problems, what a horrible mother i am to both her and her sister, how it's my fault that my D is in denial, and vile name-calling..  i've almost lost my life twice because of her, and the only thing keeping me alive now is my DD, who has shown me a different way to have a daughter.

i'm in so much pain, so depressed, so down, so lacking energy.  i'm staying alive, and that feels like a mighty big accomplishment right now. thanks to everyone who has helped me here. wish i had enough in me to respond to others. grateful i have therapy tomorrow.

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Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief

« on: January 29, 2023, 07:24:03 AM »

blueberry, notalone, CF, i so appreciate your support and hugs.  they help me to hang on.   

i feel stiff and ramrod straight, too afraid to let any guard down. i have to stay strong.  it was so much easier in the past.  now it's an effort and i'm afraid.  i don't like feeling afraid. i'm wrapping my arms tightly around me so nothing gets loose.

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Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: Trapped

« on: January 28, 2023, 06:08:07 PM »

didn't sound at all like a platitude, blueberry.  it sounded like you know what you're talking about.  thanks

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Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief

« on: January 27, 2023, 08:25:24 PM »

so grateful, snowdrop.  you all are helping keep that string from breaking.

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Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief

« on: January 27, 2023, 03:55:11 PM »

rainy, blueberry, snowdrop and armee, your care is being absorbed like a sponge.  thank you.

last nite i nearly came here to write 'i need to be strong' over and over, a million times over.  it's the only thing on my mind now.

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Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: Trapped

« on: January 27, 2023, 03:52:19 PM »

armee and bach, those hugs feel wonderful.  thank you.   

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Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: Trapped

« on: January 27, 2023, 06:31:44 AM »

armee, rainy, snowdrop, notalone, thank you so for your support.  i needed this tonite.  i'm suffering.

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Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: Trapped

« on: January 26, 2023, 08:17:28 PM »

thanks, kizzie.  too beat to look now, but i hope you find something hopeful there.

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Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief

« on: January 26, 2023, 05:58:09 PM »

armee, CF, PC, and rainy, thank you for your support and validation. 

i wrote some thoughts down in the creative section last nite, had to get them out of me, my mind was ready to burst, but what came out was that i'm afraid of breaking that glass box surrounding me cuz i'm scared the shards of reality will slash me to ribbons and i'll be worse off than if i just stay there in my little ball, arms around my knees,   

i wish i could do more.  a lot of this is also worrying about my D, things she's got going on that haven't happened yet that we wish would happen.  it's all too much right now.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter

« on: January 26, 2023, 05:52:45 PM »