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Messages - sanmagic7

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1
Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: October 14, 2020, 06:03:12 PM »
 :yeahthat: :hug:

2
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: October 13, 2020, 03:07:58 PM »
thanks, notalone   :hug:

my d spoke about how depressed she is about the whole house thing, can't feel invested in it now cuz it's too painful.  i have to admit, i've had some of those same thoughts myself.  i've stopped the cigarettes now (my lungs are really happy about that, altho i'm still coughing a bit as they continue to cleanse themselves), but when i'd sit in back of our house at the edge of the forest for a cig. break, i'd be filled with sadness that we might not be able to stay here. 

it's a horrible phenomenon, a terrible dynamic.  it's sapping our strength, wearing us out, and generally holding us down from truly enjoying where we are now.  it's hard to even talk about it, so i'll stop.

3
Recovery Journals / Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« on: October 13, 2020, 03:02:32 PM »
wowser!  your emdr training starts in 2 months!  colleague, indeed!   :cheer:  i'm so excited for you, have loved seeing this played out.  you go, girl!  love and hugs, el. :hug:

4
Recovery Journals / Re: Thoughts....(2nd journal)
« on: October 13, 2020, 03:00:17 PM »
yeah, a vicious spiral, indeed.  all i can say is that now, in my 70's, i totally get it.  i'll swear i remember something my d said, and she tells me it didn't happen, or the other way around.  i think some of it is because we have so much neg. memories in our minds that they kind of keep other things from sticking - like why you walked into a room.  my opinion only.  but i like to think that way to help myself feel not so bad about forgetting or being wrong.

i also think that as we do recovery work, our minds are really active with the job of processing information in order to move on from it.  that takes a lot of energy to do, and sometimes there may not be enough energy left over to remember the day to day things like where we put our keys.

i also know that feeling of being scared when it happens more often than usual.  believe me, you're not old and worthless.  i do hope that now when you're wrong, you are not being criticized by people, that you have more accepting people around you.  if so, can you hang on to that?  plus, your responses here, reaching out, giving support are all very helpful to the rest of us, which makes you worth a lot no matter your age.

sending love and a hug full of tolerance for aging   :hug:  i'm hanging onto that one for myself, too! :bigwink:

5
Recovery Journals / Re: Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *
« on: October 13, 2020, 02:48:03 PM »
if you want some company, we don't have to talk if you don't want, i'll just sit by your side.  maybe in a favorite place of yours until this passes.  i echo snowdrop - you're not dumb, nor a failure. trauma anniversaries are extremely difficult to navigate.  we've got you, tee.  much love and hugs :grouphug:

6
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: October 12, 2020, 08:52:21 PM »
hey dear tee,

thank you for the hugs and support.  i'm so glad you're around, m;y friend.

i've been feeling a bit better after resolving the med situation w/ the psych.  was able to walk 3 times today, and still feel good.  it's such a blessing to have my legs working, and not to be afraid of medications messing with that.

i don't know why i wrote blessing above - i don't usually think that way.  lately, however, w/ everything that's been going on, i've been speaking a lot more w/ god, have felt like we've been taken care of by some force larger than ourselves, so i guess 'blessing' felt like the correct concept just then.  i'm feeling more grateful after what's gone on that we were looked after by neighbors and others, including divine intervention of some sort, to get us thru it all safely.

sometimes it's difficult to think of the pos. parts of some of this when the stress of it has been overwhelming and taken a physical toll. my d has had phys. flare-ups that are stress-related, and i've gone thru my own share of crapola physically and emotionally.  dang, stress just has such a lingering effect on both of us.  thankfully, we are both very accepting and understanding of how stress and anxiety work - not necessarily any rhyme or reason to them, but they make themselves known no matter how hard we try to keep them at bay.

like fierce hounds on our trails, at times, snapping at our heels, nipping bits and pieces of us to shreds.  it's so wearing, so all-consuming at times that to remember that we made it thru, once again, and that's a cause to celebrate and be grateful for can seemingly be non-existent cuz our energy gets drained.  can't think thru it at times to the pos.  i wonder if that's just how it goes or is it more pronounced w/ c-ptsd?  hard to tell cuz it's been going on for so long.

at any rate, i am able to cherish today and my ability to walk outdoors, be in this house, and enjoy the relationship w/ my d.  that's something i haven't felt in ages, it seems.

7
Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time
« on: October 12, 2020, 08:35:25 PM »
here to support you all the way as you seek resolution with this, notalone.  love and hugs :hug:

8
Recovery Journals / Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« on: October 12, 2020, 08:32:49 PM »
holy moley, el, i can't believe you're almost done!  may!  seems like you just started!  dang, you're amazing.

i echo wg, in that your story is one of inspiration and light for others to follow.  keep up the good work - but i'm especially glad you had a day to breathe.  those are so important.  much love, and a hug filled with continued strength. :hug:

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journal
« on: October 12, 2020, 04:29:21 PM »
i have had the same reaction when told to 'think about others' or some semblance of that concept.  i don't like comparisons of any kind.  other people have problems, true, but i do as well, and i believe it's ok for me to concentrate on what i need to do to help myself. 

i hope you can begin finding more kindness and compassion for yourself, rainy. you deserve both.  love and hugs :hug:

10
Recovery Journals / Re: Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *
« on: October 12, 2020, 04:24:44 PM »
sometimes it's very much enough just to get from one day to the next.  you're doing that, and i'm glad about it. :thumbup:

i hope october smooths out for you, dear tee.  love and hugs :hug:

11
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: October 12, 2020, 04:22:52 PM »
sceal, so much of what you wrote were very similar to experiences i've also had in past situations.  it was almost eerie, like watching a movie of myself.

i didn't realize what was happening at the time, either, on many fronts with too many people.  i just know i had my own reasons for doing what i did at the time, saying what i said, not doing what i didn't do - all that stuff.  i'm just not in the same place now, not with the same people, so kudos to us for getting out from under them.  that's an accomplishment in itself! :applause:

sending love and a hug filled with continued clarity

12
Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« on: October 12, 2020, 04:15:52 PM »
all i can say is well done, blueberry!  :thumbup: you've come such a long way, and it seems like you continue to move forward even more efficiently lately.  i'm so happy for you!  love and hugs :hug:

13
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
« on: October 12, 2020, 04:12:33 PM »
i agree with you, hope, that it's ok to do something different than originally planned. 

also wanted to share that as i've been processing certain things, while i don't necessarily feel anger in the moment, i've had several dreams where i was really angry at someone for messing with my stuff or ignoring my boundaries.  i think that as long as those feelings emerge in some way, shape, or form, it's a good thing.  at least we're getting them out.

funny/weird, tho, that after i wake up, i can remember the dream, my reactions and emotions, and even that i felt the anger in the dream, but didn't/couldn't feel it while i was awake.  maybe it's the alexithymia thing.  don't know.  love and hugs to you, my dear. :hug:

14
Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: October 10, 2020, 04:33:52 PM »
i get that impatience to be moving forward or just be done with all this!  ugh!  every setback gets so frustrating and it wears me out.

i do hope you find what you're looking for in a t - i'm sure it would be helpful.  best with all of it.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

15
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
« on: October 10, 2020, 04:30:08 PM »
good for you, hope, on recognizing and acting in a self-caring way about that social anxiety.  well done! :thumbup:

i've heard that writing with the hand that is not dominant accesses child parts. another thought i had was perhaps asking one of your littles if they'd be willing to just make a mark on a piece of paper, and have crayons, markers, something with colors, available.  some parts may be too young to know how to write, but could scribble or just enjoy making colors show on the paper.  if that doesn't feel right for you or them, please ignore.

you are certainly working hard at all this, hope.  i'm glad you decided to take a break when you needed to.  love and hugs :hug:

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