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Messages - sanmagic7

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1
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: January 21, 2020, 02:43:59 PM »
interesting revelations, snowdrop.  it's amazing to me how many facets of our minds there are, their functions, and the individuality with which we can reach and heal them.  we are wondrous beings, all.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

2
Addiction/Self-Medicating / Re: Any Other Alcoholics Out There?
« on: January 21, 2020, 12:59:29 PM »
stella, just wanted to weigh in w/ a 'good for you'!  :yes: i'm also sober about 20 yrs..

i've also been the AA route, and, while i find much of it helpful for the addiction itself, i also found it lacking for the c-ptsd components.  that higher power that so many refer to as god has been various people, places, and things for me during the years.  find your own sense of what helps you - it doesn't have to be named anything if you don't want it to.  i also find peace and beauty in the forest.

i'm with you on doing what works - i'm 72 - and at this stage of the game,  quality of life is, to my mind, of major importance.  i'm glad you found some meds that have helped - i have, too - and i'll stay with them as long as they continue helping me function in my life.  after all, i still have things to do while i'm here.

 :thumbup: to you for your sobriety.  one day at a time, indeed! i hope it works out w/ your new t, and she gets off the god kick.  hope she respects your beliefs, and keeps hers to herself in that area.  love and hugs to you!

3
Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: January 21, 2020, 12:41:51 PM »
thanks so much for the hugs and support, sd, bb, and notalone.  they are truly appreciated. :hug: :hug: :hug:

yesterday, my d and i treated ourselves to a spa day - it was a christmas gift for us - and it was glorious.  i was looking for releasing toxins mainly, so did a long sit in the steam room, and got a great massage, one of the best i've had, back to the steam and relaxed by the bay.  felt cleansed - not only were things loosened up and expelled, but i did some eye movements and expunged some thoughts of people who had been mean to me, which felt really good.  just some stuff i'd tolerated and absorbed, but it feels like it's out of me now.

dang, i wish i could do that every week! 

back to reality now.  still having trouble w/ those dang intrusive thoughts, don't know what to do about my mex. hub, still using the meds to get myself thru the day still no t until next month.  i'd gotten used to seeing her every wee, it felt so supportive, and now i'm back to floundering on my own.  those thoughts come in and i find myself creaming STOP!STOP! to my mind - it's not a very pleasant experience to wake up to.

gotta stop writing about this - just brings it all up into my face again.

4
Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: January 21, 2020, 12:31:17 PM »
i like what your t said about healing isn't always just about therapy - that part of it comes from living life day to day, acting appropriately, setting those boundaries, speaking up for oneself.  i think i knew that at some level, but seeing it written brought it to my consciousness and sounded great.  sounded true.  recovery, just like trauma, takes place on a multitude of levels, doesn't it. 

i'm glad your party ended up going well, that you were able to have that conversation and get some of the wrinkles and realizations ironed out and brought to light.  onward to another year of continuing healing.  sending love and a hug filled w/ enlightenment :hug:

5
Recovery Journals / Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« on: January 21, 2020, 12:22:53 PM »
glad you resisted the sh, db.  this stuff is so rough - that sadness sounds profound.  possibly it's for yourself.  i know i'm sad for you that you had to go thru that kind of thing.  it's heartbreaking. 

love you, my dear.  keep fighting the good fight - it will get easier.  and, i agree, you are so deserving of care and tenderness.  i'm so mad at your abuser :pissed: i could just spit!  sending love and a hug filled w/ comfort and peace. :hug:

6
Therapy / Re: Exposure therapy
« on: January 21, 2020, 06:39:37 AM »
db, all credit to you for continuing on this painful journey - it takes a lot of courage to go thru the pain, feel it, know it's going to be there, but doing it anyway because you believe it'll help in the long run.  well done :thumbup:

you are doing this because you are able to do this, you are strong enough and determined enough.  sending love and a hug filled w/ continuing thru it all to the other side, where you'll finally find peace. :hug:

7
Eating Issues / Re: Binge Eating Disorder
« on: January 19, 2020, 01:48:33 AM »
nice catch, kizzie.  words make all the difference!  it's like i don't like the word invalid for someone who is sick and/or can't get around on their own, because invalid, as in not valid, is spelled the same way, and i don't think anyone is invalid.  look at steven hawking! 

i like the idea of response taking the place of disorder.  the disorder was in what and how we were taught about ourselves, not in how we respond.  love it! :hug:

8
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: January 19, 2020, 01:40:11 AM »
`you've got it, my dear.  standing next to you the whole time.

abuser by any other name, etc.  bully, enabler, passive onlooker - it all causes damage, so i don't know how important it is to get the exact terminology correct.

you've already had an impact on peoples' lives here, sceal.  your art is just another facet of how you impact people.  i know you've impacted my life in a very positive way, and i'm grateful for you being in the world.

love and hugs :hug:

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: January 18, 2020, 08:16:27 PM »
what beautiful images these are, so full of strength and power.  i admire your determination, the time and energy you're utilizing to continue on this road.  well done, snowdrop! :thumbup:  love and hugs! :hug:

10
i noted that you mentioned it in another post, kizzie.  i think it's a wonderful idea, but quite honestly, i never have thought about it, wouldn't know how to set it up, etc.  right this minute, i'm struggling w/ my other stuff, so couldn't even think about it for a while.   :stars:  if i get to a point where i can give it some serious thought, would you mind if i picked your brain? 

thanks for the idea, tho.  i really appreciate it.   it's a very good one and my inner helper would love to do this.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

11
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: January 18, 2020, 02:36:26 PM »
it makes total sense to me, and sounds great!  your mind is making shifts, your perspectives are changing, and with that, to my mind, your reality can change.  love and hugs, snowdrop!

12
Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: January 18, 2020, 02:32:40 PM »
thanks so much, notalone, for the support.  i didn't think about the idea of this stuff being too much all at once till i read what you said, then re-read what i wrote.  i was just getting it back together, had a couple days w/o meds, which felt good, and now i'm battling again to keep my head on straight.i'm really sick of relationships right now, except w/ my d.  and people here whom i've never met.  you all are saving my life and my sanity.

looks like i'll be doing another funeral this week.  i need to cry this out, but the tears just won't break thru.  they're on the edge of my eyelids, but won't spill out.  i feel like i'm stuck in between here and somewhere, reaching but not being able to grab onto what i need.  having my t gone is not helping right now.

13
General Discussion / Re: Need help resolving a intrusive thought
« on: January 18, 2020, 01:57:32 AM »
hey, pf,

i was raised in the 50's in the u.s., when most all men had short hair - it was the 'norm', except for a few eccentrics, if you want to put that label out there.  i'm talking about einstein, franklin, da vinci, linnaeus, et. al., some of the greatest scientists in the world.  however history shows men having long hair for ages, including some of the most 'manliest' (and i'm not trying to be gender insensitive at all) such as the vikings and indigenous warriors.

when the 60's came around, the beatles came on the scene, and many men began growing their hair longer.  being called 'girls' by people was so rampant as to be absurd.  yet, that's where i noticed our culture started on all this kind of mocking of guys w/ hair longer than a buzz cut.  after the beatles,  music groups of all kinds had shoulder-length hair and longer.  many men had hair that women wished they could have had,  (i think of young eddie van halen personally) but it took nothing away from their masculinity, virility, nor just plain manliness.

i'm very sorry you got bullied and shamed for wearing your hair as you choose - to me, that's absolutely ridiculous!  those people have nothing better in their lives than to mock someone's hairstyle?  personally, i loved longer hair on guys when it first started, still do to this day.  maybe you can look up some images of men thru history who had long hair and were regarded with respect.   i think long hair on men is wonderful - my only caveat is that it is clean.  i hope to let you know that you have one avid fan here of your long hair.  love and hugs to you! :hug:

14
o, thank you notalone!  i sincerely hope you find it helpful.  please let me know either way, ok?  and, if you have any questions, feel free to pm me.

love and hugs, sweetie!  :hug:

15
Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: January 17, 2020, 08:15:06 PM »
got an email from my hub yesterday, all about deflecting, that i didn't listen to him or hear what he was saying.  i got so mad, i couldn't even believe it! :pissed:

my entire body began vibrating, i was so upset.  i wrote back telling him exactly what he'd said on the phone, that i'd both listened and heard what he'd said, then again reiterated what the whole thing meant to me about our relationship, that he was will to try something to fix his 'problem' after i'd left, but while i was there and we'd discussed it several times, he'd refused over and over.

i told him that it speaks a lot to what he thought of me and our relationship, that he hadn't read what i'd said, hadn't listened, and i repeated that another thing he hadn't heard was that i didn't want to speak to him for a while - it was too triggering as to other hubs and their behaviors, and that i was a wreck once more getting this email from him.  i'd even told him in my first email that the time for apologies was over, long gone, and in this second email he apologized twice!  talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

so, he wrote me again, said he'd wait till i wanted to talk to him.  better, but still stirred up all the old junk again.  and, next week is the 5th anniversary of my going nc w/ my d#1 and my daughters' father, and that always makes me nuts.  plus, my t is out cuz of surgery, she won't be back till march, and altho they set up 2 interim appts. for me, they won't be till feb. and all this crapola is going down before then!  they did say that they were going to try to find someone who'd give me a phone session next week - keeping my fingers crossed for that, cuz the timing is necessary. 

so, still on meds just to stay sane thru all this. 

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