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Messages - sanmagic7

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Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journal
« on: March 22, 2023, 03:21:39 PM »
PC, i hear you.  i also feel disgusted.  i've never felt so much hate before and it's very uncomfortable for me to live in this world.  it's so very depressing.  and, yep, when we don't have our 'go-to's' anymore, it makes everything that much more vivid, more real, more painful.

i'm glad you have meditation to help you escape for at least a little while.  i'm able to submerse myself in book stuff at times.  keep hangin' tough, ok?  i'm hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark
« on: March 21, 2023, 08:32:59 PM »
my dear bach, i so get it.  while those validations are important, as you say, they also bring their own brand of pain and suffering along.  just hate this crap, hate that you're having to go thru this.  naming things for what they are/were is a big first step.  i hope you can be gentle w/ yourself.  it sounds like this may be a grief situation, too, grieving for what you believed and now found out otherwise.  always a messy time.  still sitting next to you.  let's let Earth Mother Spirit do her thing for us, even if only for a little while.  it really is grounding energy.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Of course it's worth it!
« on: March 21, 2023, 08:28:16 PM »
sitting with you, blueberry.  so much. i totally get the energy thing.  little by little, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: no returns
« on: March 21, 2023, 08:25:31 PM »
went to the office today and it sounds a bit more hopeful.  we were told that there were losses for apt. owners because of the pandemic, which is why rents are now getting jacked up so high as compensation, so to speak.  ugh.  i just hate this whole thing, but it seems like my D will be able to enter a projected amt. of earnings for the year, which they okay'd last year,  so it looks a little bit more like we'll be ok here.  still not totally in the clear for another month or so, but this feels better than the way it did.

my nighttime anxiety has still been kept at bay, which is nice for a change.  my D and i are in editing mode, so nothing heavy in therapy this morning.  i need my brain to function on words, etc,. rather than trauma.  it's a good distraction, actually, but i feel pretty tired.

Recovery Journals / Re: Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark
« on: March 21, 2023, 06:27:47 AM »
bach, i so very much relate to having such fundamental realizations about the reality of our lives.  it's been a tough one to see it all for what it truly was.  i've often minimized my abuses, as a kid and as an adult, and as you say, it's just as bad to understand and accept the truth of it and what it's done to me, my perspective of me, the world, others . . .the list touches everything in my life.  i'm with you on this, bach.  standing right beside you, maybe sitting on a porch swing in cool spring air, just allowing mother earth to awaken and soothe us.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Learning to heal, Larry's journey
« on: March 21, 2023, 05:25:36 AM »
glad to hear you're doing better, larry.  keep up the good work, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Eerie Anne's Journal
« on: March 21, 2023, 05:24:11 AM »
hi, EA, as far as writing in your journal, it's yours to write in as best helps you.  if you check out some journals, you can see a variety of ways people use them.  it's your journal.

i can relate to forgetting something i've just said, especially when speaking w/ professionals or 'authority' figures.  i've gotten flustered, tuned out, am unable to understand what they're telling me at times, and have also cried.  trauma brain does its own thing.  i'm glad you spoke w/ someone who was kind and patient w/ you.

i believe as you continue in recovery of your true self, some of this will become easier, symptoms will lessen, and you'll feel more in control.  too many times we've run into professionals who don't listen to us, and it is extremely frustrating.  know that you're not alone with this.  keep going, ok?  we're here for you.   :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: no returns
« on: March 20, 2023, 04:58:21 PM »
once again, you brought tears to my eyes, armee, and when i went to bed i could imagine being tucked in and cared about and it was lovely.  thank you for that image.  and thanks for the validation about going thru anything w/ c-ptsd.  i forget how much of a difference it makes, how much of an impact it produces, and how much more difficulty it can cause in anything remotely out of the ordinary.  so, yeah, big things, repeated things, are going to cause more than the usual problems.  :hug:

blueberry, you've done so great maneuvering thru your move, i commend you.  thanks for the support.  since i got to the states (well, that was a tremendous move in itself) 5 yrs. ago, i've lived in 3 different places already.  i actually cannot envision another move.  like my mind freezes at the prospect.  but, yes, one foot in front of the other.   :hug:

hey, notalone, i agree w/ your T.  sleeping is supposed to give us rest, allow our everything to regroup, yet at the same time it's also when our subconscious can run wild.  i've had a fear of not being able to sleep for so many decades, now, and that's playing a part here, too.  hopefully, that part is going into its own bag, cuz i really don't have reasons that i can't sleep in or go back to sleep or take a peaceful nap anymore.  sometimes it's hard to remember that.

and, i agree, even virtual searching can be extremely stressful.  best to you w/ all that.  thanks for you support.  :hug:

i was able to purposefully stay up to do editing last nite, and it was great.  normally, i'm anxious about getting to sleep, falling asleep, staying asleep, but i was able to put all that aside last nite and do what i wanted.  i slept well and long enough.  maybe i'm beginning to be able to look this dragon in the eye and say 'you have no power over me' (i know that was from 'labyrinth' but what the heck - it worked here for me!)

haven't had anxiety since fri. nite, either.  putting that concept in my head about having c-ptsd seems to have settled something down which had been restless and overwhelming.  so much fear around sleep for so long, so much aloneness surrounding it.  geez, at least w/ one-night stands, i usually had more touch, more validation as a woman, and more desire toward me than i had from all 3 hubs combined!  weird to think about it - where it was supposed to be a given, it was taken by their own crapola.

so, we still wait.  we have to get the paper from my D's friend saying she's employing my D, and i'm not sure when that will happen.  soon, i hope.  sitting on this uncertainty  is driving me mad!  ugh!  well, pretty sure we'll get what we need in the next two weeks, which will allow us to know if we have a place to live or not.  i'm frozen when attempting to picture what leaving here might look like.  frozen, yet it's still buzzing around the back of my mind that in a few months we might be homeless.  too much.

Recovery Journals / Re: Eerie Anne's Journal
« on: March 20, 2023, 04:33:24 PM »
hi, EireAnne (or is it Eerie Anne?  may i just write EA and cover both possibilities?), welcome to this forum.  thank you for sharing your story, thoughts, and words.  you are being heard here.  all parts welcome. 

many of us have discovered that CB therapy doesn't work well for trauma.  is there a chance you could see a trauma-informed therapist?  you may get better suggestions than 'breathe', better understanding of you and your parts, how they've been protecting you while you've wandered thru an unsafe world.  we've got you, and we're listening.  sending a gentle hug, if that's ok. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Of course it's worth it!
« on: March 20, 2023, 04:22:38 PM »
blueberry, that crapola is exhausting!  what you've dealt w/ from old LL has been draining at the very least, traumatic at the most.  and for so long.  it sounds like new LL at least has some respect for a tenant's privacy - glad to hear that.  here's hoping it's a very different, very pos. experience you have in your new place.  love and hugs  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2022
« on: March 20, 2023, 05:14:40 AM »
yes, indeed, we're here, notalone. :grouphug:

i've had to eliminate friends as well as others because of the realization that they weren't safe for me.  it's a tough decision.  listen to your gut, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: no returns
« on: March 19, 2023, 05:31:43 PM »
blueberry, so am i!  we have a plan we think will work, but haven't been able to get to the office yet - no energy to take that on.  it's sitting in the back of my mind and slowly drains me each day.  ugh! thanks for your well wishes - much appreciated :hug:

thanks, armee.  i appreciate both. very much. :hug:

notalone, i love that big hug.  thank you! :hug:

my T and i talked about this nighttime anxiety issue of mine, and acknowledged that we've tackled it at least 3 times w/ emdr processing, each time w/ a slightly different angle or situation, and this time i had another, slightly different bent on it.  we've gone thru the coldness i felt when i was a child cuz i was never tucked in, never hugged and kissed before bed, the fact that hub #1 wanted to stay up late and party, and i'd go to sleep on my own w/ him being mad at me for doing so, my ex who had his nighttime ritual and rarely came to bed w/ me, and my mex. hub who'd fall asleep before me most every night cuz of working 12-hr. days.

so, being on my own at bedtime for various reasons incl. various people, and i'd get triggered when left alone while my D went to bed. my T took out my anxiety at night with one sentence - 'well, you do have c-ptsd.'  that made so much sense to me, clicked in my brain, and i haven't felt that anxiety for the past 2 nights.  what a difference one observation can make!  yay!!!  i consider it a win.

still haven't been able to get stability about our housing situation.  it's weighing on me, tho.  can't really get out from under it and don't know when my D will be able to do this.  she's been struggling lately, too.  so, we're still up in the air.  so draining.

Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journey 23
« on: March 19, 2023, 05:19:55 PM »
rainy, those are so many issues to be dealing w/ at the same time as dealing w/ moving and work stuff.  i hope you can be gentle w/ yourself.  that's such a big realization.  give yourself time to process it, ok?  one step at a time, right?  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2022
« on: March 19, 2023, 05:16:26 PM »
with you all the way, notalone.  that whole moving thing is so huge, and going thru what you're going thru is going to take its own toll.  not surprised you're feeling rattled.  it's a tough place to work on something like moving.  love and hugs  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Sage's Journal
« on: March 19, 2023, 05:13:48 PM »
i'm very grateful for that as well, CF.  so glad you're in a much safer place.  funny how passive-aggressive stuff can be just as frustrating in a dream as in real life.  keep taking care of you - happy that varric seems to be doing ok.  love and hugs,  :hug:

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