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Messages - sanmagic7

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Recovery Journals / Re: Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *
« on: October 25, 2020, 11:11:59 PM »
dear tee, i echo everyone who says there's nothing wrong with you - there is something definitely wrong with anyone who didn't protect you and care for and about you. i believe that as children, we, of course, trust with our whole hearts. we have to because the adults in our lives are supposed to keep us safe, and we have no other choice at that age but to trust with everything we have.  that's not a fault of ours - it's a human characteristic.  just like our emotions, trust is part of our dna when we're born.  it's only thru neg. experiences that we need to learn not to trust as a child does. (sometimes that comes sooner for some than others).

i'm with you, my dear, sitting, giving you a shoulder to lean on if you need it.  please, keep taking care of you - i care about you a lot.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« on: October 25, 2020, 05:09:28 PM »
sending some encouragement to do exactly what you think - keep going and have faith.  i think those are both worth your time, and will eventually produce fruit.  don't know exactly why i wrote that, but it's what came out. at any rate, i believe that doing those 2 things are a lot, and i give you a lot of credit for thinking of them  sending love and a hug full of 'forward'. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« on: October 25, 2020, 05:05:33 PM »
hahaha - what a little visual reinforcement can do for some people, like the one you mentioned suddenly sweeping his area.  ;D

i love the idea of sending foo to a northern forest.  that was a great picture for me to imagine.  it felt very strong and empowering for you.

i don't do IFS, either, at least not now. but i have been able to imagine giving a younger version of me care and compassion for something she's gone thru.  i would like to send a caring, compassionate hug to your IC, if it would help. :hug: and also to say that i'd be willing to hold her sometimes when you don't have the strength or energy, if you'd like.

and, good for you  :thumbup: for doing some positive things for yourself.  well done! :applause:

i give you a lot of credit for sticking to your guns w/ your LL.  i understand how draining that can be, and i've seen your struggles with one or another over the years.  sending love and a hug filled with continuing energy to deal with the problem :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: October 25, 2020, 04:54:01 PM »
glad you're feeling a bit better. i think your question 'what if everything will be ok? - is a question for the ages.  i don't think it's recognized enough, and i'm glad you brought it up.  it's a huge dynamic to think about, the idea that things might go right. which begs the question - how do i deal with that?  we haven't had a lot of practice with things being ok within and around us.  what a concept!

I feel for you, sweet sceal, about wanting the hug, the flirting, the fun of it.  i can only hope you get at least a taste of it.  sending love and a hug filled with smiles :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
« on: October 25, 2020, 04:45:30 PM »
hey, hope, i related to much of what you wrote about anger, expressing it in various ways, getting it out of you. personally, i've found it helpful when i've done that, including what you said about being loud in expressing it (in the past i would sometimes bang pots and pans together for the noise they made - very satisfying!  i think that also comes from my childhood wherein we were basically allowed to be 'seen but not heard'. always the good, quiet, little girl, but boy do i love to make noise about things now!  and it feels so much better!

i've had anger journals where i've designated them expressly for anger. they were different than therapy or recovery journals in that i used a red pen (red represented anger to me) and allowed the anger to come out any way it wanted, including terrible thoughts and words, tearing the paper with the pen because i was writing so hard, scribbles, and just aggressive marks on the page. when that notebook was filled, i walked it out of the house to the garbage bin to be picked up and taken away.

so, my thought that came to mind while i was reading how some of your parts want to be really aggressive with their anger, was - would it be possible to get anger journals for each of your parts that request or need one, and let them utilize it the best way for them to get their anger out?  that way, if one of them wants to gouge, rip and tear, they could do that without losing the rest of your thoughts, which would be in your own personal journal.   don't know if that would work for you, and if not, please ignore.

we've been taught so well, haven't we?  just goes to show how intelligent we are, to have learned those lessons so young in order to make our lives as easy as possible.  sending love and a hug filled with release. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: October 25, 2020, 04:27:26 PM »
i'm right there with you, bach, on the amount of energy it takes to socialize, even when it's something/someone you like or are interested in. I don't see it as weak/pathetic/useless tho (at least not on my stronger days - sometimes i'm so spent i can nosedive, too). we have been through the wringer in more ways and for a longer time than anyone should ever have had to be, and we've used up so much energy just to survive, there really isn't a lot left over for some of the niceties of life sometimes.

i hope you can find compassion for yourself as you do for others when they've undergone something similar.  i think you did a great job hanging in there for the sake of another, even when you could feel yourself fading. i also hope you've found some time to rest and re-charge.  sending love and a hug filled with care. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *
« on: October 25, 2020, 04:18:34 PM »
still with you, tee, even if i haven't been around.  you're in my heart, tho.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: October 25, 2020, 04:16:22 PM »
wow! such support - i'm so thankful for all of you.

marta - thank you for the reassurance. as long as i've been here and have had such wonderful and positive responses, sometimes i still go to a disbelieving place that this is real, you're all real, and you care. it feels foolish when i think about it. but i so appreciate hearing it. it really grounds me even when i don't realize i've begun floating again, :hug:

blueberry, thank you for your never-ending support. I so appreciate your understanding and acceptance and encouragement. you've become a rock for me, and it's wonderful. :hug:

bach and tee - i can't explain how much i appreciate those hugs and the care that's behind them.  it warms my heart to see them when i'm feeling strong enough to come here.  they shore me up and give me extra strength to keep going. :hug: :hug:

notalone, thank  you for understanding. it just gets too difficult sometimes, right? i hope this finds you in a better place, as it's found me today.  :hug:

just enough energy to write a little about what's going on. got my flu shot the other day, and it knocked me down for a couple days.  finally feeling a bit more like myself today, so i'll take it.

as i mentioned, i've been processing a lot about my ex the past few weeks. what's been most interesting to me (besides the fact that i'm basically wiped out the rest of the day) is that it's been producing dreams in which i am actually able to feel the feelings in my dreams about what's happened altho i can't always feel them for real.  it seems that my subconscious is processing situations/memories/instances and giving me a picture of how i would have reacted in real life if i'd been able to.  it's a strange sensation.

for example, we've been working on betrayal issues - of which there have been so many i've had to break them down into small pieces.  when we've talked about x, y, and z all falling under that category of betrayal, and start the eye movements, i begin dissociating. when that happens, i tell my t about it, and we find a smaller piece to process. as long as it's small enough, i can get thru the processing and find some resolution.

so, this past session, i needed to focus only on this past june and the wreckage he made of selling our family house w/o consulting me but putting me in financial jeopardy at the same time. there was a sense of injustice that will never be rectified, as well as the idea that to him, i don't matter.  we've had a relationship of one kind or another for 50 yrs., and i didn't really know him until i began researching misogyny and NPD behaviors. but, over all those decades, the amounts of abuse, betrayal, deception, etc. have taken a greater toll on me than i realized.

so, this idea that i really don't matter to him, even after all this time, kind of blew my mind.  it was the conscious awareness of what that means, has meant, for all those years of my life that smacked me in a way i'd never realized before.  so HUGE!  hence, having to break down the enormity of it into manageable pieces.  and,, the next day i dreamed about being betrayed by him (a friend in the dream told me he was cheating on me) and i was shocked, stunned, and so hurt that he'd do that to me. but the surprise was that while i was dreaming this, those feelings were being felt by me in the dream.

after i woke up and remembered it, i could feel the dream 'me' feeling those things, even tho when i thought about it irl, i couldn't feel them.  this emotional disconnect is so weird.  in the 2 weeks before, i also dreamt about him in 2 different ways, and , again the dream 'me' got so angry :pissed: even tho i couldn't feel it while awake.  it comforts me in a way, tho, that at least my mind is releasing some of these emotions that were never felt or expressed while i was living them thru the years.

one other image that came to mind about my relationship w/ him was of us sitting on a teeter-totter.  he and his end was on the ground, while i and my end were way up in the air. what i realized was he's had his own agenda for dealing with me to his advantage all these years, so everything was weighted toward that, and there was nothing i could do about it. i'd been helpless up there, ungrounded, confused, not knowing what else i could do to even things out between us but constantly trying one thing after another to no avail.

in the end, my solution (in this image) was to jump off the teeter-totter, just leave that dynamic behind, let him play his ugly game by himself. it was quite a long way to the ground, and i landed on my hands and knees, got some scratches on both, dirt on them, but i did what i've always done in my life - got up, brushed myself off, and started over without him, on my own.  when i think of it, i've done that with quite a few people in my life. i'm done with those kinds of games.

once again, learning about myself, how i work, how i've worked thru the years, and how my mind has protected me from going literally insane or chucking it all in is something that inspires awe and wonder in me. when i was processing the justice piece, i was able to realize that sometimes there just isn't any justice available.  i even told my t how many times i've read on this forum about the idea that what's happened to us isn't fair, and i totally agree, it isn't. 

unfortunately, most of the time we will not get justice for what's happened. for me, coming to a concrete conscious realization encouraged me to know this as a means to letting go of trying to explain, trying to talk to him about it, trying to get revenge or anything like that. i feel more peaceful (altho i'll never forgive, and i still hate him - that hasn't changed).  but i'm ok with that.

so, it's been a rocky time again the past couple months, but i do feel like i'm making progress. the intrusive thoughts about him don't seem as strong as they had been, and it's easier for me to mentally brush them away. i'm still dealing with anxiety, but not as often now, and it's not as strong most of the time.  i've got a lot more unpacking to do, but it'll get there.  my t has been a gem (she told me she's going into private practice in another city, but since we've been working over the phone most of this year, that won't bother me), and i couldn't have done this without her.

couldn't have done this without all of you, either.  you have all made it easier for me to stay alive and kicking, and i'm grateful. :grouphug:

Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: October 23, 2020, 03:41:35 AM »
i know i've been away - it's been just too difficult to talk about everything, including some heavy processing i've been doing about my ex.  maybe another time.  right now, i'm holding myself together.  it's all i can do, plus i'm busy writing and editing, which i'm using as distractions.

sceal, thank you.  being able to stop the cigs wasn't too hard, actually.  my being just wasn't in that dark place anymore.  haven't had one for 2 weeks, and my lungs have finally been able to stop cleansing themselves, so that's good. :hug:

blueberry, thank you for your support. i'm just trying not to think of everything right now, which means staying away from here as well.  sad, but there it is.  i do want to eventually write about it all, but later. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: October 14, 2020, 06:03:12 PM »
 :yeahthat: :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: October 13, 2020, 03:07:58 PM »
thanks, notalone   :hug:

my d spoke about how depressed she is about the whole house thing, can't feel invested in it now cuz it's too painful.  i have to admit, i've had some of those same thoughts myself.  i've stopped the cigarettes now (my lungs are really happy about that, altho i'm still coughing a bit as they continue to cleanse themselves), but when i'd sit in back of our house at the edge of the forest for a cig. break, i'd be filled with sadness that we might not be able to stay here. 

it's a horrible phenomenon, a terrible dynamic.  it's sapping our strength, wearing us out, and generally holding us down from truly enjoying where we are now.  it's hard to even talk about it, so i'll stop.

Recovery Journals / Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« on: October 13, 2020, 03:02:32 PM »
wowser!  your emdr training starts in 2 months!  colleague, indeed!   :cheer:  i'm so excited for you, have loved seeing this played out.  you go, girl!  love and hugs, el. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Thoughts....(2nd journal)
« on: October 13, 2020, 03:00:17 PM »
yeah, a vicious spiral, indeed.  all i can say is that now, in my 70's, i totally get it.  i'll swear i remember something my d said, and she tells me it didn't happen, or the other way around.  i think some of it is because we have so much neg. memories in our minds that they kind of keep other things from sticking - like why you walked into a room.  my opinion only.  but i like to think that way to help myself feel not so bad about forgetting or being wrong.

i also think that as we do recovery work, our minds are really active with the job of processing information in order to move on from it.  that takes a lot of energy to do, and sometimes there may not be enough energy left over to remember the day to day things like where we put our keys.

i also know that feeling of being scared when it happens more often than usual.  believe me, you're not old and worthless.  i do hope that now when you're wrong, you are not being criticized by people, that you have more accepting people around you.  if so, can you hang on to that?  plus, your responses here, reaching out, giving support are all very helpful to the rest of us, which makes you worth a lot no matter your age.

sending love and a hug full of tolerance for aging   :hug:  i'm hanging onto that one for myself, too! :bigwink:

Recovery Journals / Re: Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *
« on: October 13, 2020, 02:48:03 PM »
if you want some company, we don't have to talk if you don't want, i'll just sit by your side.  maybe in a favorite place of yours until this passes.  i echo snowdrop - you're not dumb, nor a failure. trauma anniversaries are extremely difficult to navigate.  we've got you, tee.  much love and hugs :grouphug:

Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: October 12, 2020, 08:52:21 PM »
hey dear tee,

thank you for the hugs and support.  i'm so glad you're around, m;y friend.

i've been feeling a bit better after resolving the med situation w/ the psych.  was able to walk 3 times today, and still feel good.  it's such a blessing to have my legs working, and not to be afraid of medications messing with that.

i don't know why i wrote blessing above - i don't usually think that way.  lately, however, w/ everything that's been going on, i've been speaking a lot more w/ god, have felt like we've been taken care of by some force larger than ourselves, so i guess 'blessing' felt like the correct concept just then.  i'm feeling more grateful after what's gone on that we were looked after by neighbors and others, including divine intervention of some sort, to get us thru it all safely.

sometimes it's difficult to think of the pos. parts of some of this when the stress of it has been overwhelming and taken a physical toll. my d has had phys. flare-ups that are stress-related, and i've gone thru my own share of crapola physically and emotionally.  dang, stress just has such a lingering effect on both of us.  thankfully, we are both very accepting and understanding of how stress and anxiety work - not necessarily any rhyme or reason to them, but they make themselves known no matter how hard we try to keep them at bay.

like fierce hounds on our trails, at times, snapping at our heels, nipping bits and pieces of us to shreds.  it's so wearing, so all-consuming at times that to remember that we made it thru, once again, and that's a cause to celebrate and be grateful for can seemingly be non-existent cuz our energy gets drained.  can't think thru it at times to the pos.  i wonder if that's just how it goes or is it more pronounced w/ c-ptsd?  hard to tell cuz it's been going on for so long.

at any rate, i am able to cherish today and my ability to walk outdoors, be in this house, and enjoy the relationship w/ my d.  that's something i haven't felt in ages, it seems.

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