1

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / stress has turned into distress

« on: September 06, 2020, 03:15:25 PM »

i've been scrambling day to day to keep it together lately, but today the stress of it all turned to physical distress.  this house thing, waiting to hear if we even qualify for a loan to try to buy it, simply took over this morning.  tears, nerves, vibes of forlorn and depression are pounding at the door to my brain, and i'm overloaded. my body is vibrating with the distress since so many things have happened just since may that suddenly i can't contain it.

i'm going to be 73 next month, and the idea of having to pack up this household knocked my socks off this morning as i walked thru the house.  sitting in the back, smoking and drinking coffee, i listened to the birds, heard the ocean, watched the sunlight shafting thru the forest turning the trees a beautiful gold, the branches waving at me in the slight breeze - this is a mental health house for both my d and me, and the idea of eventually having to leave this place - i am coping badly. one hour at a time is seeming to be too much for me today.

and, we still have to wait at least till tues. to find out if we have even a chance to possibly buying it - a real outside chance cuz financially we've been making it from month to month and who would want to loan us a large sum of money?  we've no assets, not even a car, so location is crucial, and this house has been perfect.  the hills have been manageable, we've got what we need w/in walking distance, and the food pantry has even been delivering to us every month to make sure we have enough to eat cuz we can't take public transportation to get in line while they hand out boxes of food.

honestly, this may seem petty - we still do have a house to live in at the moment, but our lease is up next june (still, they can't kick us out while our lease is in effect.)  that's our only saving grace.  the uncertainty is a killer.  this past month i helped my hub in mexico get thru covid, before that i had to deal w/ my horrible ex while he sold our other house from under me (he'd gotten power of attorney from me while i was very sick and in mexico), so when he ended up bankrupt from mismanaging his funds, the house no longer suited him.

the problem was my name was still on the lease, and he had no thought about that, that i might be held liable for any money due, so i had to have contact w/ him which exacerbated my anxiety and carried me over into waves of depression seeing how he betrayed me once again and i had to fight to get him to do the right thing.  it was horrible.

the month before that, 4 family members died, most from covid, including my estranged sister, but...ack.  can't go on.  this is agitating me just writing it down.  needless to say, nicotine, caffeine, and xanax are what's keeping me slightly sane, but today it became too much.  i'm staying alive because of my d.  otherwise, it just wouldn't matter.

2

Other / 4th of july

« on: July 04, 2020, 04:02:38 PM »

today is the celebration of the birth of the u.s.  with the state this country is in right now, i honestly don't feel very much like celebrating.  my heart is heavy - it feels so much like going back to the unrest and turbulence that started the civil war, the women's movement, the vietnam demonstrations, the civil rights movement.  i remember what it was like in the midst of most of these.  i can only hope and pray for healing, but am not in a party mood. 

3

Recovery Journals / #8 - starting over

« on: July 02, 2020, 05:12:07 PM »

i'm sticking a toe in here again, new journal - i want to leave everything that i've just gone thru behind and begin from here.

i got caught up in a discussion with my D about the difference betw. a sociopath and psychopath yesterday, my ex definitely being a sociopath,  it hit me like a sledghammer before i realized how badly triggered i'd gotten.  since she doesn't want to hear anything bad about her father, i felt trapped.  it happened so quickly, i didn't discover the extent of my distress until the conversation was over. needless to say, i didn't get to sleep until nearly 5 this morning, and only with the help of my chemical friends.

her author friend stayed w/ us nearly a week, and she's in the middle of a divorce.  she discovered that her hub is a narc, and she and i had a lovely chat, but she used the words 'covert narcissist' so many times, my head began spinning.  i mentioned to my D that one day of that was all i could take.  i'm sure my D doesn't fully understand why it had such an impact on me.

so, i'm finally out of the house, so to speak, and hope i never have to interact w/ him again.  i really do want to start over from this point, begin healing from this new traumatization.  funny how this stuff can come up to bite us in the butt when we're least expecting it.  i remember reading other's posts about some unexpected encounter w/ a former abuser, and how violent their reactions were.  many questioned their own sense of self, resilience, strength, etc. in a neg. way, but i know that it isn't us who are at fault, or are weak, or anything like that.

these traumas we've experienced, until they're firmly healed and calloused, are tender to the touch.  i've been thinking about w/ me and my reactions lately, and that's the conclusion i've come to - i am raw.  conversing about sociopaths was like rubbing sandpaper across an open wound.  too soon.  i want to slowly come back here and be involved w/ everyone, but i'm not sure yet how much i'll be able to do.  for now, one response elsewhere and this, and it's enough for today.  glad to be back, tho, if only w/ baby steps to start.  love and hugs to everyone who has helped me w/ your support, blankets, hot beverages, and grabbing my hand - your caring is remarkable, you are remarkable.  please, don't ever forget that.  thanks for everything.

4

Checking Out / taking a break

« on: June 15, 2020, 05:52:35 PM »

hey,

unfortunately, w/ everything that's gone down in the past 6 weeks, i've just gotta back away from here for a bit.  even writing about it has been triggering, and i'm just working on keeping my brain strung together.  i'll be thinking of you all, you're in my prayers every nite, and i'll miss you.  hopefully, i'll be able to get back here soon.  much love to you all 

5

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / fractured

« on: June 12, 2020, 07:33:22 PM »

this stuff w/ my ex simply continues. i've had to talk to him twice in the past few days, he sold our house w/o telling me, says he went bankrupt and owes the bank nothing, but since my name is still on the deed, and he took so many mortgages out on the house to appease my money-grubbing D1 while she was living there w/ him, and otherwise, (altho he told me this face to face years ago, on the phone last week he simply said it was becuz of fixing it up, all of which was unnecessary work, not like the electrical problems or basement wreckage.), so i know he got himself into this mess and i feel no sympathy for him - it's been going on for years.

now i heard from my d i live w/ that he's selling the house, the house where i had to leave, where i raised my family, fought for my family, gardened, all my flowers, veggies, fruit trees i planted, and he never told me he was even thinking about selling it!  no thoughts, consultation, asking me what i thought, told me what's going on.  he used my d to relay sparse info to me, that there were 2 sets of papers coming, one that would say i'd get any extra money after the house sold (there won't be any, he admitted that) and the other to relinquish my name off the deed so that if the sale doesn't cover the cost of the home, and he doesn't owe anything to the bank, it would protect me from them coming after me for any additional money owed that wasn't covered by the sale.

this has traumatized me severely, and i only really realized it today.  when i talked to him, i turned into stone woman - my entire body felt like a gravestone, my eyes were hard, my voice was hard, just trying to get thru a conversation w/ him to find out what my d was talking about.  that's when most of the rest of this news came out - i don't know why i expected any courtesy from him, any thought from him that this may affect me.  through my tears i asked him how he could not think this would rattle me!!!

so, one envelope came 2 days ago, maybe 3, and all there was was a paper about getting extra money, but no sign of signing off on the deed.  i called him again, asking what's going on, he calmly said the other papers would be coming from his lawyer!  i know how slow lawyers can be, and i've heard nothing, and now i'm worried that the sale might go thru before i've signed off on it, and they might come after me.  all i have is soc. sec. and a small pension coming in, no nothing else.  i'm at my wit's end, talked to my t this morning, cried thru it, i'm so shattered, so fragmented, i've just been hiding out in my room since the call.

i could barely walk to the bathroom to get some xanax, my legs were wobbling all over, i was tilting, nearly losing my balance.  i thought i was going to get a chance to heal, but i'm getting re-traumatized instead!  last month was *, but i went numb.  this broke me open.  i decided to write cuz i just want some friendly faces from here - everyone crappy in my life i've gotten rid of, but they keep haunting me, coming back to re-traumatize me again - my ex-bff last month, now him).

i'm so confused, don't understand why these people continue to hurt me, to treat me like crapola, to ignore me, like i'm worthless.  i know i'm not, but they treat me like i am, and i don't understand it at all!!!  i've set boundaries, told them what i want, what i need, yet they keep coming at me, one more brick in the face.  how can i heal when i continually am traumatized in the present by the people who did so much of the trauma in the past?  i've spent most of my life confused and anxious, and i'm getting too old for this.  i can feel myself breaking - my entire body, especially my legs, is vibrating , and this is the lowest i've been in years.  i don't know why this is happening! 

i want to delete this.  i don't know what to do.............................and i can't talk to my d about it altho she knows this has upset me, but she doesn't want to hear anything bad about him cuz she wants to continue a relationship w/ him.  doesn't want to be put in the middle of her parents, altlho that's exactly what he did last week, and i had to confront him about even that.  he has no sense of anything human. 

6

Recovery Journals / #7 - breaking though

« on: April 16, 2020, 10:42:38 PM »

being able to break thru the feelings of helplessness at what's going on in the world felt good today.  i can now accept that people are going to do what they are going to do, and it's something important for me to realize that i can't fix it.  always had that pressure on to fix things for people or situations.  don't have to do that now.

it's quite freeing, actually.  didn't think it could be, but if feels as if some of the shackles have been shrugged off.  this is the best i've felt, for the longest time running, since sept.  i've been able to resolve my anxiety before bed and acquire this knowledge that i can and do accept people will act in ways that i don't agree w/ or that i view as dangerous, disrespectful, or dishonorable.  3 d's, for sure - i've witnessed it and experienced it too many times.  glad to get that out of the way.

so, a new journal with a new perspective. i don't feel stuck anymore, which is such a relief.  what, 7 months or so of that?  way too long. 

will be getting into some of my childhood stuff, especially my dad stuff next week.  that should prove interesting.

7

Medication / anyone else on remoron?

« on: April 10, 2020, 06:53:10 PM »

hey, all,

just started remoron last nite for anxiety.  this particular doc wouldn't prescribe xanax for me, which has been working well.  she told me that this anti-depressant was a first-line treatment for anxiety, and one of the side effects is sleepiness (i've been on xanax for restless legs syndrome for about 20 yrs. to help me sleep - either that or klonopin, which are in the same family).

the pharmacist told me to take a half dose of the remoron, half dose of the xanax for a few days to wean me off the xanax, which i did last nite.  this morning, altho i slept nearly 8 hrs., i didn't feel rested, like i had a 'good' sleep, and my back was in severe pain, as if i slept extremely tensely and all my back muscles, including my neck and the back of my shoulders were hurting when i woke up.  had to take ibuprofen, which helped, but i normally take that at night and then my back isn't a problem for me (at least, not more than usual).

i also felt very tired behind my eyes.  it's nearly 6 hrs. since i've been awake, and my eyes still feel tired.  i know this stuff needs to be in our system for a bit, and our brains and bodies need to adjust to something new, and it can take some time, so i checked in w/ my t, she agreed w/ me that i should give it a couple weeks, see how it goes.

that's my first day experience w/ this remoron.  just wondering if anyone else has been or is on this med, and how it's worked for you.  thanks.

8

Depression / afraid i'm sliding back down

« on: February 15, 2020, 07:17:14 AM »

all these months of battling these triggers, intrusive thoughts, horribly negative feelings toward others is wearing me down to the point where i'm afraid that my brain is literally changing back to the depression, the bad one, dark one that i once knew and was taking anti-deps for.  haven't had it for a long time.

don't know why i'm writing this, i just felt like i needed to put it someplace.  i don't like feeling scared like this, and my t won't be back for another month.  every day seems like a month, tho. 

this is the third place i've written tonite.  i'm just rambling all over the forum, and that's what my mind feels like.  everything is just rambling around in there, i don't know what to do with or for it.  am hoping writing it out will help, i guess.

9

Frustrated? Set Backs? / still stuck

« on: February 15, 2020, 06:34:34 AM »

my t has been gone nearly a month, and i won't get to see her until the middle of next month.  meanwhile, these triggers and intrusive thoughts just keep coming.  i'll wake up and my npd D's name will be flashing across my brain, or i'll be lying there, thinking of my fingernails and suddenly i'm remembering something about problems my ex had w/ his.  i just start screaming at myself to STOP STOP STOP!!! and i have to get out of bed, start distracting myself to keep these things at bay.

i saw an interim t today, and, while she was very nice, very nurturing and kind and gentle, i came away feeling more raw, very small, like an ef, which i haven't felt in quite a while.  i am just working/struggling to make it thru a day and get to the next day.  that's my major goal now, make it thru today.  that's it.  everything else has pretty much gone by the wayside, except being able to get out and walk.  i thank god for that.  otherwise it's one screen or another, just to keep my mind from losing itself.

i'm afraid i'm too damaged for this to ever get fixed, but my spirit won't let me stop battling.  it's so exhausting, i'm so weary. 

just wanted to get this out here.  i haven't wanted to admit to how frustrated i really am, i don't think. 

10

Poetry & Creative Writing / Celestial Series

« on: February 08, 2020, 11:28:50 PM »

Moon

The shiver of moon glides across the heavens, inviting us to partake of its story.  If we have enough imagination, we will shine in the Cheshire flight and be reboldened.

Night strikes, and those filled with fright run to the nearest canister of painless and pointless.  Beneath their shawls of dressing games, they twirl the dervish of their own facility and, holding tightly, they remain alone.

Boasting and broasting in the blight of day, they weave their glories of those sights unseen, choosing lip gloss instead of the clear red of vulnerability.  A thread of happiness floats by in a dream and can therefore never heholden in the hands of the tossed.

O, that our eyes could be cleansed by the streams of fears that dandle us in their trees.  Perhaps then we would hush the clouds and allow the beams of moon to erase the creases beneath which we had hidden.


Sun

The wondrous lightness of the sun erases the gloom of doom from millions of places, yet it also blinds those who would stare too long, hoping to catch the flight of words to express their joy.  They would be sorely strong.

Too many view shadows as a starkness of vision that rains on their charade instead of the glowing vacuum that allows them to value their slight.  We are none of us entirely whole, no matter how many smiles we run for the bus.  Within the stark is our chance to delve deeply into our seeing.

Once past the fright of the dimly lit, our eyes refocus and our sighs enjoin with the enigmas of paradox and paradigm.  We can finally wonder at the schisms, caverns, and canyons that enfold our spirit as it was meant to shine.

Don't let the shadows frighten you, but enlighten, too.  After all, they are merely the slim side of the sun, as beautiful in their own sight as we could ever thrive to be.


Stars

One sees stars twinkling in the eyes of certain persons, not from any reflection of the night sky, but from the infection of the bright of heart and home.

The light that shines from within is one of luminosity and love, whether it be toward sand shifting, a treasured tome, or a finally found friend.  There is no depth too deep to nurture this trove and review in amazement what it could possibly repeal.  Answers are insignificant and disqualified.

Heaven and help wrap themselves around the being having the forbearance to stake their lives on the wearing and daring to strike out into the darkness.  Wichita may be safe, but the battleship Maine conjures up the challenge of seeing anew the world of compromise.
Throw your own flare into the bereft and disappointment discovered along the fray, in order to access your stars sprinkling from rags to riches.  Once done, you will never be tame again.

11

Neglect/Abandonment / results of my neglect

« on: January 26, 2020, 01:24:22 PM »

i'm digging into this deeper than i have by writing here.  when i've written about this in my journal, it seemed like i was more distant from it.  here, i'm putting it in my face, looking at it hard and true.  already i can feel my gut roiling up inside me.

i always had food and a roof over my head, 2 parents, so i wasn't neglected that way.  but we weren't taught very much about basic hygiene - baths once a week (and when my sis and i were young, we shared the bathwater, first one, then the other to save money, i guess), and my college roommate taught me about brushing my teeth in the morning to get rid of morning breath.  it was an aunt who bought me my first bra.  i wasn't allowed to shave my legs till i got to high school - until then, i wore knee socks so that i wouldn't be called 'gorilla legs' anymore.

emotionally, my parents didn't know what to do w/ emotions, and i was very sensitive so i had a lot.  but, by the age of 2, from what i understand, my F was very strict w/ me and i can't quite imagine how he must have restricted my spirit, but my M told me before she died that she'd told him to let up on the next baby (my S was born when i was 22 mos. old) and for her to say anything must've meant it was quite bad.  i do know that i lost the capability to feel, recognize, and verbalize what i was feeling until just the past few years.  before that i went into all kinds of situations feeling only curiosity and confusion.

not having access to my feelings (it's called alexithymia, and it was someone on the forum who recognized it for me) meant a life without fear, pain, empathy or compassion (i couldn't relate to how others felt).  someone told me once that i had no compassion, and i hadn't a clue as to what that meant.  my t recently told me to have compassion for my little me, but quite honestly, i don't know exactly what that looks like.  i can feel sorry for myself, but i don't know if that's the same as compassion.  my D2 just told me last week that what my mex. H had said to me was insensitive (which set off all kinds of new triggers, and i'm not talking to him right now, but after she named that, i was able to get mad about it)/  except for her naming that, i would've never thought it or known that's what it was.  nuances escape me.

so, i'm struggling now, desperately.  i can count on one hand how many times i've gotten mad in my life before the age of 65, and those times were only because i'd tolerated so much abuse that the anger exploded out of me like a pressure cooker blowing sky high.  the only emotion i've felt on a regular basis was sadness.  and i'm very sad for what i'm going thru right now.

but throughout my life, confusion reigned, and love.  i know how to love, i feel love all the time, but as for the rest of it, i've been confused.  i floated thru most of my adult life, really not having any idea of what was going on around me.  a friend pointed this out to me once, that i was noticed for how i looked (in a good way) by everyone else, but that i hadn't a clue.  she was right - i never saw myself the way others have.  i just went where the wind took me, like a leaf moving on air currents from here to there to somewhere else.

lately, since i moved in w/ my D#2, who has been kind, gentle, and patient w/ me, and i've eliminated most everyone who has caused me stress in my life, the pain of what i've gone thru, just from this type of neglect and restriction, has made itself known.  i could feel hurt at what people did, but i didn't feel the pain until now, and it's overwhelming me at times.  i'm also scared of feeling more.

my t set an assignment for me to have a funeral for my family (i chose the fam i had w/ my ex and 2 D's) and as i was writing, i felt pain like i've never felt in my life.  it overwhelmed me to the point where i had to stop, move away from it, and come back to it at a later time.  no, emotional pain is brand new to me, and i believe it's been trapped in my body all these years - diagnosed as fibromyalgia.  i truly believe, tho, that all that muscle pain is a result of pushing it into me, absorbing it, instead of allowing it, feeling it, and crying it out.

my gut is balled up right now, and i know this is painful stuff, but i don't feel it like i believe it would be natural to feel.  i may be holding back because of the fear of feeling it now.  i'm not crying, either, so all those toxic tears are staying inside me, too.  i pushed myself to write this here today - honestly, i just want some quality of life, and the way i've been living is not that.  the choices i've made, the abuse i've taken, tolerated, absorbed throughout my life, partners and friends i've allowed, addictions - well, they numbed the pain, didn't they! - all of it is due to emotional neglect.  i'm hating my parents right now (at least that's a feeling).

12

Anniversaries / 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d

« on: January 22, 2020, 05:00:15 PM »

my heart can never heal from this.  i have no words.

13

Christmas & New Years / a new year on the horizon

« on: December 31, 2019, 04:38:45 PM »

i just want to congratulate all of us for making it to another year, no matter how much of a struggle it's been, no matter how messy or weak-feeling or out of sorts we've felt on the way to being here.  i know that such is not always the case, and my heart is sad for everyone suffering.

here's hoping that the new year brings some peace, calm, and strength to all of us, less ICr, and more self-love.  i love you all, respect your journeys, and admire the continuing determination you show.   

14

Recovery Journals / stuck stuck stuck

« on: November 05, 2019, 05:28:57 PM »

new journal.

i was so optimistic in my previous journal, that i was going beyond all this and was making so much progress.  instead, it feels like i've been thrown back into the ring, punching all the old nemeses i've been battling over and over. 

i called the possibly new t this morning, she called in, so i didn't get a chance to speak w/ her.  left a message, now have to play the waiting game.  this is taking too much out of me, i don't know what to do w/ it.  i'm not able to get a handle on any of this crapola anymore.  can't even enjoy fun tv shows for distraction.  i'm i don't know what anymore.

15

Checking Out / stepping away

« on: October 31, 2019, 09:45:40 AM »

as much as i need your support, and i'll be checking in for that, i just can't respond to anyone else right now.  i don't know how long this is going to take but i've collapsed.