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i decided to start another journal, one that carries more mundane stuff.  because i'm back in my original hometown now (more or less - a suburb), after nearly a quarter century, everything is familiar yet all new. it really does seem like starting over.

i want to record this area of my journey on its own.  there's so much here that doesn't have to do w/ c-ptsd, yet this is also where 3 of my biggest abusers were  (2 of them, my D1 and my ex are still here).  don't even know if my D1 knows i'm here.  last i heard, my ex wasn't telling her.  and, thank goodness, my first therapist has moved away. she did a number on me that i carry with till this day.

it's sad all over to me to write that.  we'll see if this works.  i also wanted to begin a journal here because there are folks here who's feedback and support i miss, and i suspect it's because i've only been involved in the 'members journals' section for quite a while.  just want to see what this feels like.  i am sad, tho.

i wanted to write this on the 'having a terrible day' board, but i couldn't find it.

i just found out my oldest daughter (D1), is severely ill, may die at any time, just waiting for the call. my head is splitting right now, feels like it wants to explode.




****************TW*******************
SI in the past  threat of death from illness now



nearly 30 yrs. ago, this same D1 had many suicidal gestures, ODing many times, stays at the psych ward, and i never knew if/when i would get a call that she was found dead. yesterday i found out she's got a terrible virus that's lodged in her liver, it could kill her at any time even tho she's getting treatment, so i'm reliving the nightmare of waiting for the news that she didn't make it.

*************************end TW***********************




today, altho i'm holding myself together as best as i can, i can feel the stress and tension coursing thru my body, wreaking havoc on my system, my mind, my brain. i realized today i'm reliving the trauma of 30 yrs. ago in real time.

i have therapy in the morning, but i'm beside myself tonite, don't feel like sleeping, just want to smoke, or run around our apt. screaming and tearing my hair out. i'm on the verge of tears, so very sad my D1 is going thru another medical emergency, but there's nothing i can do about it. i had to go NC w/ her nearly 9 yrs. ago, she hates me now, will have nothing to do w/ me, our entire family has been afraid of her forever, she's now holding her father (my ex) hostage with her anger for her sister (the D i live w/ now) by forcing him to write an email about all perceived grievances D1 holds against D - years and years of this - and telling my D that he agreed w/ D1 about it. She had him cc her to make sure he sent it.

he told my D he didn't agree, but D1 told him if he didn't send it, she wouldn't allow him to be with her when she dies.  i reached out to her to offer comfort, prayers, healing energy, didn't know if i had the right email for her anymore, asked my ex to affirm that where i sent this was her correct email, he wrote back telling me she doesn't want to hear from me and if that changes, he'd let me know.  that was it.

it was another example of him sticking up for her over me, again, the same dynamic of 30 yrs. before, double trauma just like before. so, i just sent what i wanted to say, don't have any idea if she received it, don't expect an answer if she did, unless it's a F*** YOU!  she doesn't even call me mom anymore.  my mother heart is shredded, i'm at my wit's end, and i don't know if she's even going to be alive tomorrow.  i'm drowning. help! i can't take this crapola anymore.  it really is too much.  hugs, please.

thank you god for my darling D who is so caring, kind, and patient w/ me. she's the only thing that's keeping me alive.  this is * on her, too.  D loves her sister, but wants nothing to do w/ her at all after this last trick she's pulled.

i'm beside myself, rambling, head hurts, going for a cig tho it's way too late. right now i don't care. i did everything i could, i really did. she's turned into the most terrible person to the people who have loved her the most. it' terrifying, sad, crazy-making, angering, and i don't know what else is inside there - those are the only ones i recognize. horrifying. how is this person my daughter? i can't help her

i've struggled w/ IBS for decades, and today i said 'enough!' just needed to get some chuckles out of it for a change.


Ode to IBS

O, IBS, I hate you so
You always keep me on the go
You turn my solids into flow.

O, IBS, you've stayed too long
I wish that you were just a song
And I could happily sing along.

O, IBS you give me grief
I'd love to have a little relief
Wish that your episodes were more brief.

O, IBS, you're just no fun
You always keep me on the run
From morning to the dying sun.

O, IBS, don't you see
Just what you've done to me?
Why won't you let me be!

O, IBS, you make me guess
Will today be another mess?
I do not need this extra stress!

O, IBS, just go away
Leave me alone so I can play
Without interruption to my day.

O, IBS, you make me sigh
Please leave me be to freely fly
And go about my day  . . . ooops!

O, IBS, I hate you so.

this new journal title reflects what i've been hearing about me, my traumas, and my circumstances in the past several years.  it's all been too much, and i don't know why i've had the strength of still be here.

i don't want this to be a downer right off the bat, but it is how i'm feeling.  trapped, unsafe (thanks, doc),increasingly difficult time coping, more stuff coming up every week.  yesterday i was down again w/ stress flue, have to see the eye doc on wed. and am still worrying about my D, her medical issues, all that's going on w/ her, besides my own realizations, inner battles, triggers almost daily  . . . again, i'm so out of energy yet i have to continue to summon more.  that leads me to the thought about one day i just won't be able to.

seeing the doc on wed. is one of those instances.  dont know what's going to happen, but worried that i'll have to see an ophthalamogist as well.  don't know where the money will come for that.  ohhhhh, too much!

i was looking for something pos. to label this journal, and at the moment i couldn't find anything.  so, here it is.

at my last session, i found it difficult to talk to my T about what's going on w/ me cuz it felt like i was ripping a bandage off a wound that hadn't healed yet and everything ended up raw and oozing all over again.  i think that's why i've stayed away from writing here - it brings it all up again, everything i'm trying to pack down so it doesn't overwhelm me.

feeling fear is still so new, and so very awful.  i truly don't know how people have lived w/ it all their lives.  don't know how they've lived w/ any of their emotions, to be honest.  it still feels very new, extremely painful, and the hurt i've accumulated over the yearscan now slam me like a sledge hammer.  i know i couldn't have made it thru my life if i'd had them, tho. 

that's a tough realization for me as well.  but at the same time i can look back at everything and see how being unemotional saved me, even tho it took its toll on me and others in different ways.  ugh, that hurts to admit it.

i'll leave it there.  i don't want to go to mexico to live - that would be a very last resort.  too hot, too dirty (i lived in the desert), culture of poverty w/ its own unique perspective.  no, i really don't want to return to that.  and that sentence gave me the title for this journal.  i really don't want to return to where or what i was, so i'll keep pushing forward as best i can, thru the hurt and pain.

  i'm working on getting my faith in myself back.  it's gotten buried under everything.  knowing i can manage or deal with whatever comes my way has gotten me to where i've wanted to go in life.  didn't really have hope, but i had that faith in me.  it was a good thing to have and i want to feel it, know it, again. 

i am trapped in a glass box, curled up against what i cannot bear to bear,
     leave the past in the past,
     let go and let god,
     try to think of the good things in your life,
     don't keep dragging forward those memories . . .

they mean well, but to me their platitudes mean nothing

does no one think that if i could do any of that
relieve myself of this ongoing pain
cleanse my being of what i know
that i wouldn't do it in a moment?

do they really think i want to be this way?
that i haven't tried everything in everyone's book
that i haven't tried stilling my mind, making myself blind to the past?

i'm scared to emerge from that glass box.
it feels like the only thing protecting me
from the shards of reality
that would rain down upon me
if it were smashed.

there's nothing else i can do now but watch my world unfold
nothing left to be told
no one left to scold
until someday either the glass melts
or i do.

for now, it is clear as glass
i can wish for, hope for, pray for strength
to remain curled, unfurled,
until answers are swirled around me
and i can grab onto the tale of a kite
which will lift me with the gift of relief.

i'm in the middle of stress flu, have an editing job to finish, and am getting double vaccinated on thurs., which always sits me down for a week or so.  with all this, i've got to gather myself to myself for a while, cuz i need my energy elsewhere for the nonce (love that phrase!).  see you all later.  love and hugs to everyone!

i wrote a lot of poems when i lived in mexico, in the midst of confusion, illness, and depths of despair.  i think that's why my wordplay came out the way it did.  at any rate, here's one of them:

Unlikely As It May Beam, We Glow

     There is a bright shining within
   and surround us, although it's not
       always squeezy to peel.
     Sometimes it rides a wave of
  forlorn, or drives the pavement of
    unlikely.  Nonetheless, in the
   starkest of towers, our light will
   grow the way.  We only need to
       trust and swallow it.

as i'm learning more about the relationship i had w/ my ex, i'm discovering how HUGE the trauma-fallout is.  altho i experienced emotional neglect during childhood, what i faced in adult relationships amped up the wounds to levels i'm only beginning to appreciate.

maybe appreciate is the wrong word.  understand? see? believe?

i have 2 ex hubs, and while hub #1 was bad enough (drugs, alc, sex addictions, leaving me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant) hub #2, who i refer to as my ex, has done damage to me the magnitude of which i'm only beginning to comprehend.  today in session, as badly as i was working to diminish his influence over me, my mind conjured up instance after instance of repeated trying to push him out, only to have him multiply, surround me, grow larger and larger as a presence blocking any escape.

i finally felt like i was drowning in him.  i was able to summon a life buoy from both my T and my D, enabling me to keep my head above water, but i could feel the jaws of underwater creatures swimming around my legs and feet.  i ended up with continued fear of one of them someday biting off a foot. 

altho we're going to work more on this later this week, the reality of what happened to me because of him, and how i'm continually connected to to him because of my D (who continues a relationship w/ him) showed me some dark waters surrounding me.  my T named it torture, what he did to me for over 20 yrs - playing w/ my head, deceit, life-threatening addiction on his part that he finally told me after about 15 yrs., the confusion, the fear of his rage that i didn't/wouldn't/couldn't acknowledge at the time - it's all sitting on my head at this moment.

kizzie once said adult c-ptsd is different than the childhood version, and i fully agree.  as i've worked on my childhood trauma, it seemed so straightforward.  difficult, yes, yet in some ways it seemed clean compared to the trauma i've encountered because of adult relationships.  the reality of what i've endured is nearly overwhelming me now in a way it hasn't in the past, mainly, i suspect, i now have emotions attached that simply weren't there before.  i can't see how this could possibly end.

just had to let this out. 

i picked this title because that's exactly what i feel like in this phase of my recovery. 

i talked to my T about how i can't make any real progress on healing from the people in my life cuz nearly every time i speak w/ her we're putting out little side fires, so to speak, from triggers or new events that have disturbed and distressed me.  really, at times, it's felt like i'm getting worse instead of better cuz i'm so full to overflowing w/ this crapola i'm now sensitive to the slightest anything.

she offered me a theory, which i found something of a relief: maybe these little side fires, etc., which are all related to my major issues, traumas, and the like, are my brain's way of breaking up the big issues into smaller pieces which i can tolerate better.  it's known by both of us that i absolutely cannot tolerate facing anything bigger than a breadbox w/o some severe reaction, be it mental, emotional, or physical.  that theory made sense to me on some level, so i'm going with it.  it made me feel better, too.

i've also had an ongoing issue about my D and her father (my ex).  knowing that she's still communicating w/ him and what kind of person he is makes my skin absolutely crawl. my T and i also talked about that - it just hurts my mother heart that he can manipulate her and is most likely feeling good about it, making her his friend as he struggles w/ D1 now (who my D2 has already gone NC with, and he knows about the problems, knows it upsets my D2, but doesn't care), discussing his issues w/ her sister cuz he knows he can and she won't say anything.  ugh!  these are the thoughts that run thru my head about the 2 of them, and i hate it, hate him, can't see this ending until he no longer exists.

my T has listened to me about this many times, but this time she came up w/ one of those little nuggets which are difficult to digest and accept, but which i grudgingly know is true -- my D has her own path to follow, and right now it includes him.  dang, i hated hearing that, but it does give me an ounce of relief about the situation, so i'll go w/ it.  that doesn't mean i like it.

it's so hard to wrap my head around the idea that this crapola keeps on coming up, over and over and over and over again.  different triggers from too many sources of abuse and trauma throughout my lifetime.  sometimes i feel so needy, just wanting to lay down and rest or run run run from all this.  i'm unsettled, distressed, and disturbed.  seemingly some new issue to target for processing rears its ugly head each session - 2x/week for over 2 yrs.- and, while there is some progress made on each one, some tangent appears and demands to be dealt with, leaving the original target in the dust and mostly unresolved. 

just having a hard time settling, feeling any kind of stillness inside.  i had it for about 1/2 of a day last week for the first time, so i know things are progressing, but this whack-a-mole crapola is driving me bonkers, and not in a fun way.  also dealing with my D's burnout right now isn't helping.  too many triggers to manage on a daily basis, and right now they seem to be getting the better of me.

therapy today.  i don't know how much processing i can take - yesterday was very busy and i'm tired this morning.  on the other hand, now that one piece of my ex has been taken care of, i've noticed another piece that came up which needs to be dealt with.  it contains an incident with my ex and D1, something he said to her in a store that convinced me about the misogynistic part of him.  before that, i don't think i gave misogyny too much credence.

**********TW - inappropriate language - *******************

however, 'who's your daddy' at the checkout when he's paying for several items of hers is not ok.  she was livid, he was meh.  he told me he brought it up with his T, said she kind of laughed and told him she'd been working with him for over a year and she thought she'd know if that was one of his problems.  then he told me, as if he were bragging about it 'I'm a great liar.' that sealed the deal for me.

*************end TW *****************

after this prideful admission to me, i don't trust a word he says or an action he does.  it's part of what is so painful when i know my D2 is interacting with him.  i know now that he has his own agenda for everything he says and does.  and i guess it's appropriate now that i have a big chunk of a dynamic between he and i resolved, my mind would turn to interactions between he and my D's.

lurking in the background, of course, are still issues w/ icky L, my D1, and my first hub - we haven't really touched on those yet.  well, yes, i did get some resolution about icky L, but we hadn't really addressed the dynamic with her, my ex, and me in therapy.  awful.  i want to get all that cleaned out, but quite honestly, it is scary.  the major adjustment i could feel in my brain last week was unnerving, even tho it turned out ok.  i'd just never experienced it before.

so, ever onward.  no way past this crapola but thru it.  but, ugh - it's exhausting at times.

in therapy this morning, as i was processing an issue about my mex. hub that came up because of a trigger i saw on a tv show, both my previous hubs intruded on the processing.  i quickly became overwhelmed, and we had to do a containment dynamic to separate them, keep them caged up, until i am able to go thru the particular issue with them one at a time.

altho it's very common for me to be triggered into a neg. memory by a word, song, tv or movie scene (i rarely go thru a day without, and often have several in a day), this was a new phenomenon for me - being triggered while doing therapeutic processing to the point where i had to stop what i was doing and put each of them into compartments in order for me to feel safe and comfortable enough to look at this issue another day.

this wasn't the same as instances where i've been processing and something comes up that leads me back to a childhood issue.  this was the same issue with 3 hubs, all in adulthood at an adult level.   i don't know what will happen next time i speak to my t, nor if my containment strategy will work until i'm able to begin again.  anyone else with similar experience?  how did it play out?  anything for me to look for or expect? any opinions welcome.  thanks.

3 days to the move, can barely hang on.  won't have internet for a bit.  i've just got to not be here for a bit.  need to settle.  i'm wiped.

as an emdr therapist, i stay connected with the goings on in this field, and have heard about the Flash Technique nearly 2 years ago.  it was designed to help traumatized people in therapy who become overwhelmed by their memories and experiences be able to get to the other side without the pain that often coincides with reliving the past.

this is just a heads up for anyone using emdr as a trauma reprocessing technique. The Flash Technique is rather new, but i've now experienced it and i give it a big thumb's up     any questions, feel free. 

the mime
trapped in a glass box
seeing all but unable to act
until the anger overtakes
and with fists of steel
he pounds the glass
wanting to get out.

what he didn't realize,
glass shatters
and the shards of independence
shred his skin and muscles and bone

crying out in pain
blood spilling at his feet
we had to begin anew
too frightened of the image that freedom chose.

my d and i are both closing in on breaking points.  she's sleeping in the family room cuz they found rot and mold in the floorboards and ceiling.  we've had numerous people out over the past 2 1/2 yrs. tell us the roof needs to be fixed, but the owner only allowed band-aid work done.  the last roofer who was supposed to fix the problem cleaned the gutters and put toppers on them. ideally, a large portion of the roof needs to be redone, the wall on that side re-walled, and the floorboards removed and replaced. that's the most pressing problem at this point.

we've also discovered the foundation is cracked and the plywood over it is probably rotted - we'd been told the carpet needed to be pulled up so someone could see what exactly is going on beneath it.  we wanted to buy this house so badly, and with so much fundamentally wrong, we just don't know.  we certainly won't pay the asking price - and my t called the owner a slumlord.  this house has been so mentally and emotionally healing for the both of us, the best neighbors ever, the forest as our backyard, and we could walk to the places we need the most - pharmacy, drugstore, e.r., doc, while the food bank has generously delivered boxes of food to us every month since we don't have a car.

the owner wants to sell it, but the mgt. agent said the place is unsellable after she walked around the house with us while we showed her what we've been putting up with.  we were even threatened more than a year ago by someone else from the old mgt. company that if we kept complaining about what's wrong, the owner might just decide to tear the house down and put up condos - so we lived in fear of that happening to the point where my d couldn't use her clogged sink for 2 weeks out of fear of complaining, then because a different kind of plumber had to come in because it wasn't just a clog but the pipes were full of rust and need to be replaced.

the list of this goes on and on.  we want to get an inspector in, which we'd have to pay for, to find out their thoughts, and know exactly what else might be wrong, if this is fixable, if we could take the cost of repairs off the asking price, etc.  we decided we want to fight for this house cuz we just can't imagine living anywhere else.  it's done more for our peace of mind (besides all the landlord crapola) than anywhere we've lived.  it's big enough that we can have our own parts of the house to retreat to if we need privacy or a break from each other, and the location is all we could ask for.

all of this is happening in the aftermath of the past few political weeks in the u.s., my continuing work on my past traumas, a lot of drams in my d's life from an old flame, and the anxiety of being told that another someone wants to come look at the house - that's been since sept.  amid the pandemic, my anxiety and fears are ramped up sky high.  the stress we are now experiencing is affecting us physically and mentally.  there was a point about a month ago when i had serious thoughts of retreating from the world.  my chest has been hurting me badly for 2 or 3 days now, my legs are wobbly, the past few weeks i've been up all night several times, or waking up after 3-4 hrs. i'm beginning to feel unwell, my d is feeling the same - headaches, fatigue, low energy. 

i know this kind of thing is bothering a lot of people cuz of the pandemic, but, quite honestly, that hasn't affected us very much.  mostly, we miss being able to go to the library or out to eat for celebrations.  no, we're able to walk safely near the forest, see the ocean every day - i'm hearing it right now - and sitting in our backyard w/ coffee and a cig is such a spiritual feeling for me.  i call it my chapel of the forest.   but, that's how i'm coping now - xanax, cigs, and food.  just trying to stay sane.  it is so frustrating because all i want to do is work on my issues, get myself healthier, and all these avalanches continue to fall on my head, so my therapy time is mostly spent talking about how i'm trying to cope from day to day.  issues are being cast aside cuz i don't have any mind energy to look at them, let alone deal with them.

and, today is the 6th anniversary of when i decided to go nc with D1, and this is the most punishing day of my year.  i don't know what else to do anymore.  i'm feeling as bad stress-wise as i did when i first left the states and moved to mexico.  my sanity feels on the edge, and that scares the grit outta me!

the topping on this cake was that i sliced my finger today while preparing food.  blood and more blood.  i haven't cut myself in so long, i can't even remember when.  i know i went on autopilot just trying to get it cleaned and covered, but it was the last straw.  it almost broke me.

it's 2021 now, a new year, a new journal.  it's been a terrible year for me in many ways, and i'm still plowing thru the gritty crapola that has tried to conquer me.  it hasn't yet, but it's sure given its best shot.  i've got so much yet to go, i really can't see me fully healing from it all, mainly cuz of my age - there just isn't enough time!  still, i haven't given up yet, altho there have been a few times when it's been a close call, and i'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other, shovel in hand, hoping it all doesn't suck me under before i can get a strong foothold again.

my worst anniversary is coming up this week, the day when i went nc with D1.  absolutely the hardest thing i've ever done, and i think of her every day even tho i don't really want to know anything about her.  like i told my t last fri., i left the door open for her to have a respectful, adult relationship with me if she wants, and all she has to do is let me know.  this will be 6 yrs. that she has chosen, every day, not to do so.  6 yrs. of torture to a mother's heart.  my heart hurts just writing about it.  when i told her these conditions, she wrote me 3 emails, beginning 'i love you'. i was excited for a moment until i read the rest of the first one.  she called me the vilest names i've ever heard one person call another. 

i shouldn't have written this now - it's night, i've got to try to go to sleep.  i've just asked the powers that be to take care of her.  it's all i can do for her.  in the meantime, i am absolutely so very glad that my darling D2 is with me, and loves me, showing me patience and kindness every day.  i couldn't ask for more from her, and she keeps me alive and laughing.  that's about as good as my life can get at this point.  she is a jewel in my crown of life. 

i'm sticking a toe in here again, new journal - i want to leave everything that i've just gone thru behind and begin from here.

i got caught up in a discussion with my D about the difference betw. a sociopath and psychopath yesterday, my ex definitely being a sociopath,  it hit me like a sledghammer before i realized how badly triggered i'd gotten.  since she doesn't want to hear anything bad about her father, i felt trapped.  it happened so quickly, i didn't discover the extent of my distress until the conversation was over. needless to say, i didn't get to sleep until nearly 5 this morning, and only with the help of my chemical friends.

her author friend stayed w/ us nearly a week, and she's in the middle of a divorce.  she discovered that her hub is a narc, and she and i had a lovely chat, but she used the words 'covert narcissist' so many times, my head began spinning.  i mentioned to my D that one day of that was all i could take.  i'm sure my D doesn't fully understand why it had such an impact on me.

so, i'm finally out of the house, so to speak, and hope i never have to interact w/ him again.  i really do want to start over from this point, begin healing from this new traumatization.  funny how this stuff can come up to bite us in the butt when we're least expecting it.  i remember reading other's posts about some unexpected encounter w/ a former abuser, and how violent their reactions were.  many questioned their own sense of self, resilience, strength, etc. in a neg. way, but i know that it isn't us who are at fault, or are weak, or anything like that.

these traumas we've experienced, until they're firmly healed and calloused, are tender to the touch.  i've been thinking about w/ me and my reactions lately, and that's the conclusion i've come to - i am raw.  conversing about sociopaths was like rubbing sandpaper across an open wound.  too soon.  i want to slowly come back here and be involved w/ everyone, but i'm not sure yet how much i'll be able to do.  for now, one response elsewhere and this, and it's enough for today.  glad to be back, tho, if only w/ baby steps to start.  love and hugs to everyone who has helped me w/ your support, blankets, hot beverages, and grabbing my hand - your caring is remarkable, you are remarkable.  please, don't ever forget that.  thanks for everything.

hey,

unfortunately, w/ everything that's gone down in the past 6 weeks, i've just gotta back away from here for a bit.  even writing about it has been triggering, and i'm just working on keeping my brain strung together.  i'll be thinking of you all, you're in my prayers every nite, and i'll miss you.  hopefully, i'll be able to get back here soon.  much love to you all