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Topics - sanmagic7

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / they just keep ;coming
« on: October 30, 2019, 05:37:26 PM »
i have caved today.  the triggers, flashbacks just keep coming.  i can't get ahead of them for more than a day, when i'm hit afresh. 

 TW  **************************** TW  SI

2 mos. ago, hub $1 died.  i grieved, mourned, all sorts of feelings came up, i was overwhelmed.  this man left me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, was verbally and emotionally abusive throughout our relationship.  he was moving in w/ another woman when i was living at a friend's house a month later. i nearly ended it a few days later, except my baby kicked, and i couldn't go thru w/ it knowing i would be killing her, too.  i moved back to live w/ my mother.

end TW

2 yrs. ago this same man who had shown me kindness and generosity, out of guilt i'm sure, for a few years before, was also integral in helping me get out of mexico because i was dying.  i wouldn't be here today except for him.  needless to say, my feelings about/for him were all over the place. 
gratitude, warmth, healing all took place on that road trip spanning more than 2 days.

a few days ago, ex hub #2 contacted my d to tell me that hub #1 had died, and there were lawyers who were trying to contact me, that there was money coming to me.  again, a number of feelings came up, including more warmth toward #1 and revulsion/gratitude toward #2.  my nc D also came up by association, and all the feelings around her.

during all this, my book was finished, and my d is editing it.  i knew there would be some issues, but she suggested several changes that i didn't expect.  this is a program that i'd created and presented many times in the past w/ nothing but praise for it, yet, i guess that transferring it from personal presentation to the written word is more difficult than i'd imagined.  she raised good points, but i felt blindsided for some reason. 

more feelings came up about not only that, but the fact that this book is finally finished after more than 25 yrs., something that my d is telling me (as she's reading thru it) that it's really good.  the triggers here came from ex hub #2, who, at the time, assured me he would edit it for me, pushed me off for months about getting started, then finally told me, when i confronted him, that he wouldn't do it after all, cuz he didn't want to have his name associated w/ something that was going to fail.

and now, i've been able to contact the d of hub #1, who told me that he'd told her that there are no lawyers involved, and that her dad had told her that i'd gotten half his pension in our divorce.  this was a shock to me as i'd not only not gotten any money from him, no alimony or child support as decreed by the judge, but that i remember nothing about pension money.  ex #2 was w/ me at the divorce proceedings, and he never mentioned it to me afterwards, either, so i believe it was never there.  as it is, i'd not received a penny of anything from him or his pension.

bringing this up now saw a glimmer of hope for my financial status, and i was able to contact his d who is executor of his estate!?? which is virtually non-existent.  however, she has found me to be someone who she could vent to (she and i have communicated ever so slightly in the past) about the lies of his current estranged wife, telling lies to and about her, which triggered me again re: the lies told to and about me by my nc D. 

this morning, his d wrote again, venting, but ended her email by saying she hopes he's in a better place with lots of sailing (he was an avid sailor) and lots of women.  blam!  lots of women was part of the reason our marriage didn't last, and i went into a tailspin, which i'm not dealing well with today. 

these blasts from the past are doing me in.  i just want all these people to go away!  leave me alone!  i can't turn around, do something pos. for myself that a trigger doesn't raise its ugly head and make something exciting and enjoyable for me turn to crapola.  and, due to my alexithymia, i can't put my finger on all the emotions i'm feeling, but i found myself simply weeping at tv shows last nite for no reason i could distinguish.

i looked for t's in my area, couldn't find any that dealt w/ trauma, so i'm hesitant to go to someone else - burned too many times on that front.

maybe i should've put this in the area of having an exceptionally difficult day, but i put it here.  this feels like major setbacks on so many fronts, and i'm having a hard time functioning.  i was hoping i could write it out here, get a little relief at getting it out of me.  a xanax day for sure, which is helping to take the edge off, but honestly, i feel like crapola.  can't get my feet under me, can't identify how i'm feeling, just want it all to go away and leave me alone.  tears are forming right now, and i don't know exactly why, cuz i can't feel a specific emotion, except maybe sad.  that seems so small, tho.

Birthday / i'm getting old
« on: October 06, 2019, 06:22:06 PM »
my birthday is tomorrow, the 7th, and i'll be 72, which is the inverse of the age of my spirit, 27.  suddenly, i'm feeling old as i wrestle w/ not being able to do as much as i want to do, as much as i used to do, and seeing a completely different face in the mirror.  that's been going on for a while, but it's still upsetting not to be able to recognize myself.  i guess this is one of the downer birthdays for me.  i think the last one was when i was 35 or so. 

i'm just sad.   :'(  as much as i've accomplished, when i look back at how clueless i was about myself, floating thru life, not really having opinions or concrete thoughts and realizations, things could've been so different.  i just hope i don't feel this same way next year.  i don't want the rest of my life to be 'what if's'.  i know i still have work to do here, and i'm doing it, and that's satisfying, but i just got into this melancholy.  i feel like this inverse birthday is significant, for some reason, but i don't know why. 

so, yeah.  don't quite know what this is all about.  maybe it's because i feel like it's a miracle i've lived this long, and that scares me.  maybe this should've been in my journal instead of here.   it's a confusing age - there are still things i do, i can't relate to all these white-haired people around me, i'd never fit in a senior center, but there are definite signs that remind me every day i'm no spring chicken anymore.  so, happy birthday to me.

Recovery Journals / ch. 6 - beyond the past
« on: July 15, 2019, 03:59:36 PM »
first, thank you, tee, for your continued support.  so very appreciated.  hope your vacation goes really well.   :hug:

just a note - new path here.  i realized i was beginning to repeat and repeat what went on in my past, and i'm now ready to accept what it was, how it was, what it did to me, how i responded, how i was, what i did, what i believed, what i denied, and i'm done.  it's time to let that go, i've worn it out, i've got new planets to discover, now universes to explore, and present-day symptoms to work on.  i don't want to stay what i was in many respects, but will also give myself credit for all i am, all i have accomplished, and for leading a wonderfully diverse and interesting life, that i'm not finished with yet.  here's to moving beyond the past into the present, enjoying who i am now, what i have now, my struggles and joys, and praying for the strength to keep finding new ways to rid myself of what was so that i can just be.  wow, that sounds incredible to me.  we'll see!  i have only been able to do this w/ your help, and i look forward to more of that as well.  yay, us!

Successes, Progress? / I am safe now
« on: June 23, 2019, 08:50:42 PM »
i've been doing an adulterated version of a new-ish therapeutic technique on myself lately, and the other day the words 'i am safe now' floated up into my consciousness.  this is the first time i can remember actually 'feeling' this safe-ness since i was about 2 yrs. old, being rocked to sleep by my dad.  i could feel it then (i have a lovely memory of that), and have never felt it since, until 2 days ago.

i've heard from therapists, and others, the phrase 'you're safe now', but it never touched me.  i've never felt it even tho i could logically understand what was being said.  still, 'safe', to me, means that i don't have to do everything myself, don't have to figure everything out all the time on my own, don't have to be hyper-vigilant because i'm the only one who will take care of and protect me.  i think it also meant to me that i'm not completely shackled by thoughts, feelings, and emotions that don't help me.

what i don't think i've realized before, either, was just how much fear i've been carrying around most all my life.  i didn't really feel it, couldn't access or acknowledge it, but i'm thinking it must have been there w/o my knowing it, as a constant companion.   wow - that's trippy to think of.

maybe now i can begin to unwind my tensed-up muscles and learn what it feels like to relax on a regular basis.  i don't know, but i'm thinking this may be a start.  it's a warm feeling way deep inside.

Therapy / Brainspotting
« on: June 13, 2019, 04:03:36 PM »
hi, all,

i've recently been hearing of a new modality for trauma treatment called Brainspotting.  from what i've read, it seems to be a gentle, non-intrusive means to help people pinpoint a traumatic experience w/o having to relive it in its original intensity, and release physical and emotional toxins and impact.  its premise is that trauma is stored not only in the brain, but in the body as well.

from what i could garner on the internet, i tried a version of it on myself, and did have some positive results (i usually use myself as a guinea pig w/ these kinds of things if possible).

it's supposed to be helpful for trauma, anxiety, depression, sleep problems, and somatic issues.  therapists can be trained in this, and i just read there are more than 8,000 t's who have gone thru the training in the U.S.  don't know if it's available in other countries.  has anyone else heard of this or tried it? 

love and hugs to you.

Christmas & New Years / merry christmas/season's greetings
« on: December 24, 2018, 01:29:43 PM »
to all of you here, i'm sending out the best of wishes for a wonderful holiday season, whether you celebrate or not.  i love you all.   :grouphug:   :grouphug:   :grouphug:

Other / happy st. nick's
« on: December 06, 2018, 07:49:08 PM »
i don't know how many of you celebrate st. nick's day, but it was celebrated in my foo, and i kept the tradition alive with my own girls.  it comes from several european countries, two from which my grandparents immigrated.  it's based on the belief that on dec. 5, children would put their shoes outside the door, and during the night st. nicholas would bring candy and fruits (usually) to fill their shoes.  in the morning, the children would discover their treats.

we used socks pinned to the sides of our beds when i was growing up, and i made stockings for my daughters to use.  in my hometown, there were a lot of families who originated from those european countries, so most all the children were able to share about what goodies st. nick left for them the night before.  it was a fun event.

to share this with all of you, i'm bringing oranges, apples, and those colorful red, white, and green hard christmas candies.  hope you all enjoy - it's for the child inside all of you.

Poetry & Creative Writing / Live
« on: November 22, 2018, 02:41:27 PM »

To move beyond the sore
   and soar
Is to live.

Turn the vile veil
   of evil
To the light,
And finally

Other / thanksgiving
« on: November 21, 2018, 03:15:59 PM »
i know thanksgiving has gotten a cloud over it in the states the past few years as the true story of what happened has been made known.  still, i enjoy the tradition of being thankful for the people and things that have helped me in my life.

this forum has been a biggie that i'm thankful for - all you lovely people, many of whom have become wonderful friends, showing me care and concern the likes of which i've rarely experienced in my life.

i'm also thankful for kizzie, who has done such a wonderful job here of keeping this place viable and safe for all of us.

i'm thankful for the people in my life who have helped me along the way - without them, i couldn't be where i am right now.

and, of course, i'm thankful for my dear daughter who is so very kind and patient with me, who really does take good care of me, and who has forgiven me for my part in what has gone down in her own childhood.  she has helped heal the wounds on so many levels.

on a personal note, i'm thankful for my mind.  quirks and all, i have achieved greatness on many levels during my life.  a personal greatness that allows me to know that above and beyond the neg., i can still see a lot of pos. both in myself and others.  i'm truly thankful for that.

thank you, everyone.

Poetry & Creative Writing / tame
« on: October 26, 2018, 09:41:58 AM »


all the same, tame

yet a spirit soars within

take it on the chin
my head begins to spin
there is no more room within

if i can just tend
to the glory of my story
until my free becomes my friend

tame will come to an end

and i will be me once again.

Recovery Journals / ch. 5 -- looking forward
« on: October 15, 2018, 01:19:06 PM »
it seems this is the first time i can remember feeling hope that i'm over the hump of recovery, mentally, emotionally, and physically.  don't know if it will last, but i feel more positive about the future than maybe since i ever began any kind of recovery.

i started on such a journey in my 30's, so we're talking about 35 yrs. of working at this.  unfortunately, because of that first t i had, i began in a setback mode.   she did so much damage to me, not only with my own therapy, but as a couple and a mother that it seems like i was pushed back years and years by confusion, pain, hurt, anxiety, depression, self-doubt, lowered self-esteem, and plain old cruelty (i can see that now as i look back).

so, every year i faced seemed more difficult than the last.  i remember thinking 'does it ever get any better?'  i would hear others be so excited about the progress they'd made, including with this t, and i couldn't fathom it, didn't know how that was happening for them cuz my experience was so much the opposite.  i felt worse every time i faced a new year, hoping it was going to get better, but being thrown back against a wall, slammed against it time and time again.

since this was my first stint with therapy, i didn't know it wasn't supposed to hurt, thought it was a 'no pain, no gain' sort of situation, and accepted everything she told me as truth - whether it was about myself, my partner, my parenting, my kids - everything.

the greatest thing she taught me was how not to be a therapist.  but it's taken me years and years to get thru the damage she did to me.  on top of that, i was married to a misogynistic npd, and had a torturous mentally ill daughter, also npd (in my eyes).  being triple-teamed was like trying to get out of quicksand by grabbing onto slime.  i only sank farther and my world got darker because i was being covered in yuck the entire time i struggled.

today, my world finally feels manageable.  it's such a strange feeling.  i see the sun thru these gorgeous trees in the morning and watch as it makes its way across the sky to sink gloriously beneath the sea in the evening.  i have virtually no friends anymore because i've gotten rid of most of them - i can see them as toxic now - and i, who was once surrounded by people and feared not having friends, feared horribly the idea of being alone, am content.

i'm done with the mr., and altho i'm still grieving that, running thoughts thru my head, i am also content with not having a man physically in my life (my hub still loves me, which is nice, but since i can't really depend on him for anything and don't ever plan to return, it's a marriage on paper only, a relationship for 20 min. on the phone every week, and 'i love you' emails, which are sweet), but i usually have had at least one man physically around since high school.    this is very different.   and it's ok. 

i'm healthier than i have been in at least 20 years, and that feels great. 

the people in my life from this forum are better friends to me in most ways than the people i had surrounded myself with irl.  that may sound sad, but i am extremely pleased about it - i've gotten more caring, nurturing, and affection on a consistent basis from this virtual forum than i have ever had in real support groups.  i'm content and satisfied with this, too.

and my d and i, well, that's better than i ever expected.  nearly every day she exclaims how much she loves it where we live, and my heart soars.  i'm so glad i was able to help her realize this dream of hers, and can continue to help her with her work.  my life has meaning thru her, and i am overjoyed.

so, i'm beginning a new chapter in my life, one that looks hopeful and positive, which i haven't been able to say for way too long.  i look forward to the future for the first time in ages as something not to dread, not to wonder 'what else is going to happen?' in a neg. way, and not to fear. (well, to be honest, i haven't had that much fear in my life anyway, but since i got in touch with that emotion, it's been overwhelming at times). 

and i like me, am satisfied (at last) with me - not that things won't pop up from time to time to deal with, make adjustments and all that - and have faith in me.  i'm leaving these newfound fears behind, leaving so much of what i've gone thru behind - it's like i've come to the point where so much of those parts aren't relevant anymore.  like i said, it's a strange feeling to at last stand up straight and look forward with positive anticipation.

i'm glad i'm here. 

Birthday / it's my birthday tomorrow, the 7th
« on: October 06, 2018, 01:36:27 PM »
yep, gonna be 71 tomorrow.  i've been told by many that they don't know how i've made it thru everything.  truthfully, i know i had a lot of divine help cuz i'd never have made it without that.  angels working overtime in my life.

this year, my selfish little me is mad cuz we don't have the money for a celebration.  my d has ordered a gift for me, and i know we can't afford it.  she is the sweetest thing.  we're going to get some food and a couple of donuts, watch a movie at home. 

i have always loved birthdays, have had many spoiled by the madness in our home, and when i was a child i think i had birthday cakes, but never a party - too poor.  so, as an adult, i've always splurged on my birthday, have had parties, lots of people over, lots of food, or went out for a special treat somewhere - show, play, something enjoyable.

we didn't get to celebrate last year the way i was hoping, either, cuz of my d and i both having surgery, and just not up to doing anything.  hopefully, next year will be different.  in the meantime, we'll make the best of it.  it will be good in the end.  i must remember to be grateful that i'm even here, alive and present, healing in a place i love.  those are really gorgeous gifts.  my little me always wants the grand gesture, tho.  she'll just have to be disappointed and sit it out in a corner somewhere.  i don't want her to ruin my day or make my d feel bad. 

she can be a selfish little ((&^( sometimes, tho.

hey, everybody,

as some of you know, i'm engaged in this ongoing debate with other emdr practitioners.  the subject has come up regarding c-ptsd and therapy, whether it's important during prep for therapy itself to have a stabilization component or not.

one of the clinicians has been citing research as saying stabilization for a c-ptsd client is not important, doesn't really help, and can therefore be "a waste of time and energy".  personally, i think it's important as it begins the entire therapeutic relationship, helps build trust, and allows the client to feel safer as they go into the minefield of truama therapy.

in my mind, this does not only pertain to emdr-based therapy, but any trauma therapy.  however, i would like to hear feedback from others as to whether they think time taken for stabilization is important, if it's helped them and how.  if people report that it has been helpful, i'd like to take this info back to the emdr community and let them know that we can't always rely on research alone to guide us when working to help c-ptsd clients heal.

i'd appreciate any input you'd care to give, if only for the sake of being able to make ourselves heard to those clinicians out there who are supposed to be helping us thru this.  thank you all.

Therapy / spreading the word
« on: May 23, 2018, 04:19:30 PM »
i belong to an online emdr clinicians' support network, comprised of therapists from around the world.  from time to time, i've mentioned c-ptsd, but have had little response.

today i noticed that in the past few days there were several posts re: how to treat clients with both c-ptsd and with dissociation.  there were some interesting comments, ranging from sticking to proven theories to more individual ways of working with a client.

i couldn't help myself and jumped in.  too many times i've read here about how emdr clinicians have failed people on this forum, which has broken my heart.  so, i decided to post to them some of what i've learned here from you about what has worked and what has failed to work from emdr practitioners.

just wanted you all to know that you are being heard, and that i hope there will be a difference in how these clinicians look at c-ptsd survivors (i also hope i don't get kicked out for being too out of line - lol!).   i do sincerely believe in emdr as a wonderful tool to help with trauma-related symptoms, but also felt, just as sincerely, that some of the people in the field just don't get it.  (there were a lot of references to this and that article, etc. but too many didn't acknowledge the fact that many of us fall outside the curve and need creative, individual approaches).

so, for what it's worth, we're now out there in a more real way.  i just hope some changes will be made, and more of you will find some relief and healing.  love and hugs to all.

Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / 9 traits of npd
« on: April 25, 2018, 05:27:40 PM »
i found this article in prevention magazine and thought i'd post the link for anyone who's interested.  i know there have been people here who question whether they're npd or not, and this may help to set their concerns aside.

it's clear, concise, easy to read and understand (even tho this link is a mile long - lol!), and hits the high points of what red flags to watch for, and even a little bit about how to deal with a npd in your life (work, family, relationships).  i hope it's helpful.  i was able to reaffirm about the narcs in my life instead of just guessing, which was very settling for me.

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