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being able to break thru the feelings of helplessness at what's going on in the world felt good today.  i can now accept that people are going to do what they are going to do, and it's something important for me to realize that i can't fix it.  always had that pressure on to fix things for people or situations.  don't have to do that now.

it's quite freeing, actually.  didn't think it could be, but if feels as if some of the shackles have been shrugged off.  this is the best i've felt, for the longest time running, since sept.  i've been able to resolve my anxiety before bed and acquire this knowledge that i can and do accept people will act in ways that i don't agree w/ or that i view as dangerous, disrespectful, or dishonorable.  3 d's, for sure - i've witnessed it and experienced it too many times.  glad to get that out of the way.

so, a new journal with a new perspective. i don't feel stuck anymore, which is such a relief.  what, 7 months or so of that?  way too long. 

will be getting into some of my childhood stuff, especially my dad stuff next week.  that should prove interesting.

hey, all,

just started remoron last nite for anxiety.  this particular doc wouldn't prescribe xanax for me, which has been working well.  she told me that this anti-depressant was a first-line treatment for anxiety, and one of the side effects is sleepiness (i've been on xanax for restless legs syndrome for about 20 yrs. to help me sleep - either that or klonopin, which are in the same family).

the pharmacist told me to take a half dose of the remoron, half dose of the xanax for a few days to wean me off the xanax, which i did last nite.  this morning, altho i slept nearly 8 hrs., i didn't feel rested, like i had a 'good' sleep, and my back was in severe pain, as if i slept extremely tensely and all my back muscles, including my neck and the back of my shoulders were hurting when i woke up.  had to take ibuprofen, which helped, but i normally take that at night and then my back isn't a problem for me (at least, not more than usual).

i also felt very tired behind my eyes.  it's nearly 6 hrs. since i've been awake, and my eyes still feel tired.  i know this stuff needs to be in our system for a bit, and our brains and bodies need to adjust to something new, and it can take some time, so i checked in w/ my t, she agreed w/ me that i should give it a couple weeks, see how it goes.

that's my first day experience w/ this remoron.  just wondering if anyone else has been or is on this med, and how it's worked for you.  thanks.

all these months of battling these triggers, intrusive thoughts, horribly negative feelings toward others is wearing me down to the point where i'm afraid that my brain is literally changing back to the depression, the bad one, dark one that i once knew and was taking anti-deps for.  haven't had it for a long time.

don't know why i'm writing this, i just felt like i needed to put it someplace.  i don't like feeling scared like this, and my t won't be back for another month.  every day seems like a month, tho. 

this is the third place i've written tonite.  i'm just rambling all over the forum, and that's what my mind feels like.  everything is just rambling around in there, i don't know what to do with or for it.  am hoping writing it out will help, i guess.

my t has been gone nearly a month, and i won't get to see her until the middle of next month.  meanwhile, these triggers and intrusive thoughts just keep coming.  i'll wake up and my npd D's name will be flashing across my brain, or i'll be lying there, thinking of my fingernails and suddenly i'm remembering something about problems my ex had w/ his.  i just start screaming at myself to STOP STOP STOP!!! and i have to get out of bed, start distracting myself to keep these things at bay.

i saw an interim t today, and, while she was very nice, very nurturing and kind and gentle, i came away feeling more raw, very small, like an ef, which i haven't felt in quite a while.  i am just working/struggling to make it thru a day and get to the next day.  that's my major goal now, make it thru today.  that's it.  everything else has pretty much gone by the wayside, except being able to get out and walk.  i thank god for that.  otherwise it's one screen or another, just to keep my mind from losing itself.

i'm afraid i'm too damaged for this to ever get fixed, but my spirit won't let me stop battling.  it's so exhausting, i'm so weary. 

just wanted to get this out here.  i haven't wanted to admit to how frustrated i really am, i don't think. 

Moon

The shiver of moon glides across the heavens, inviting us to partake of its story.  If we have enough imagination, we will shine in the Cheshire flight and be reboldened.

Night strikes, and those filled with fright run to the nearest canister of painless and pointless.  Beneath their shawls of dressing games, they twirl the dervish of their own facility and, holding tightly, they remain alone.

Boasting and broasting in the blight of day, they weave their glories of those sights unseen, choosing lip gloss instead of the clear red of vulnerability.  A thread of happiness floats by in a dream and can therefore never heholden in the hands of the tossed.

O, that our eyes could be cleansed by the streams of fears that dandle us in their trees.  Perhaps then we would hush the clouds and allow the beams of moon to erase the creases beneath which we had hidden.


Sun

The wondrous lightness of the sun erases the gloom of doom from millions of places, yet it also blinds those who would stare too long, hoping to catch the flight of words to express their joy.  They would be sorely strong.

Too many view shadows as a starkness of vision that rains on their charade instead of the glowing vacuum that allows them to value their slight.  We are none of us entirely whole, no matter how many smiles we run for the bus.  Within the stark is our chance to delve deeply into our seeing.

Once past the fright of the dimly lit, our eyes refocus and our sighs enjoin with the enigmas of paradox and paradigm.  We can finally wonder at the schisms, caverns, and canyons that enfold our spirit as it was meant to shine.

Don't let the shadows frighten you, but enlighten, too.  After all, they are merely the slim side of the sun, as beautiful in their own sight as we could ever thrive to be.


Stars

One sees stars twinkling in the eyes of certain persons, not from any reflection of the night sky, but from the infection of the bright of heart and home.

The light that shines from within is one of luminosity and love, whether it be toward sand shifting, a treasured tome, or a finally found friend.  There is no depth too deep to nurture this trove and review in amazement what it could possibly repeal.  Answers are insignificant and disqualified.

Heaven and help wrap themselves around the being having the forbearance to stake their lives on the wearing and daring to strike out into the darkness.  Wichita may be safe, but the battleship Maine conjures up the challenge of seeing anew the world of compromise.
Throw your own flare into the bereft and disappointment discovered along the fray, in order to access your stars sprinkling from rags to riches.  Once done, you will never be tame again.

i'm digging into this deeper than i have by writing here.  when i've written about this in my journal, it seemed like i was more distant from it.  here, i'm putting it in my face, looking at it hard and true.  already i can feel my gut roiling up inside me.

i always had food and a roof over my head, 2 parents, so i wasn't neglected that way.  but we weren't taught very much about basic hygiene - baths once a week (and when my sis and i were young, we shared the bathwater, first one, then the other to save money, i guess), and my college roommate taught me about brushing my teeth in the morning to get rid of morning breath.  it was an aunt who bought me my first bra.  i wasn't allowed to shave my legs till i got to high school - until then, i wore knee socks so that i wouldn't be called 'gorilla legs' anymore.

emotionally, my parents didn't know what to do w/ emotions, and i was very sensitive so i had a lot.  but, by the age of 2, from what i understand, my F was very strict w/ me and i can't quite imagine how he must have restricted my spirit, but my M told me before she died that she'd told him to let up on the next baby (my S was born when i was 22 mos. old) and for her to say anything must've meant it was quite bad.  i do know that i lost the capability to feel, recognize, and verbalize what i was feeling until just the past few years.  before that i went into all kinds of situations feeling only curiosity and confusion.

not having access to my feelings (it's called alexithymia, and it was someone on the forum who recognized it for me) meant a life without fear, pain, empathy or compassion (i couldn't relate to how others felt).  someone told me once that i had no compassion, and i hadn't a clue as to what that meant.  my t recently told me to have compassion for my little me, but quite honestly, i don't know exactly what that looks like.  i can feel sorry for myself, but i don't know if that's the same as compassion.  my D2 just told me last week that what my mex. H had said to me was insensitive (which set off all kinds of new triggers, and i'm not talking to him right now, but after she named that, i was able to get mad about it)/  except for her naming that, i would've never thought it or known that's what it was.  nuances escape me.

so, i'm struggling now, desperately.  i can count on one hand how many times i've gotten mad in my life before the age of 65, and those times were only because i'd tolerated so much abuse that the anger exploded out of me like a pressure cooker blowing sky high.  the only emotion i've felt on a regular basis was sadness.  and i'm very sad for what i'm going thru right now.

but throughout my life, confusion reigned, and love.  i know how to love, i feel love all the time, but as for the rest of it, i've been confused.  i floated thru most of my adult life, really not having any idea of what was going on around me.  a friend pointed this out to me once, that i was noticed for how i looked (in a good way) by everyone else, but that i hadn't a clue.  she was right - i never saw myself the way others have.  i just went where the wind took me, like a leaf moving on air currents from here to there to somewhere else.

lately, since i moved in w/ my D#2, who has been kind, gentle, and patient w/ me, and i've eliminated most everyone who has caused me stress in my life, the pain of what i've gone thru, just from this type of neglect and restriction, has made itself known.  i could feel hurt at what people did, but i didn't feel the pain until now, and it's overwhelming me at times.  i'm also scared of feeling more.

my t set an assignment for me to have a funeral for my family (i chose the fam i had w/ my ex and 2 D's) and as i was writing, i felt pain like i've never felt in my life.  it overwhelmed me to the point where i had to stop, move away from it, and come back to it at a later time.  no, emotional pain is brand new to me, and i believe it's been trapped in my body all these years - diagnosed as fibromyalgia.  i truly believe, tho, that all that muscle pain is a result of pushing it into me, absorbing it, instead of allowing it, feeling it, and crying it out.

my gut is balled up right now, and i know this is painful stuff, but i don't feel it like i believe it would be natural to feel.  i may be holding back because of the fear of feeling it now.  i'm not crying, either, so all those toxic tears are staying inside me, too.  i pushed myself to write this here today - honestly, i just want some quality of life, and the way i've been living is not that.  the choices i've made, the abuse i've taken, tolerated, absorbed throughout my life, partners and friends i've allowed, addictions - well, they numbed the pain, didn't they! - all of it is due to emotional neglect.  i'm hating my parents right now (at least that's a feeling).

new journal.

i was so optimistic in my previous journal, that i was going beyond all this and was making so much progress.  instead, it feels like i've been thrown back into the ring, punching all the old nemeses i've been battling over and over. 

i called the possibly new t this morning, she called in, so i didn't get a chance to speak w/ her.  left a message, now have to play the waiting game.  this is taking too much out of me, i don't know what to do w/ it.  i'm not able to get a handle on any of this crapola anymore.  can't even enjoy fun tv shows for distraction.  i'm i don't know what anymore.

as much as i need your support, and i'll be checking in for that, i just can't respond to anyone else right now.  i don't know how long this is going to take but i've collapsed.   

i have caved today.  the triggers, flashbacks just keep coming.  i can't get ahead of them for more than a day, when i'm hit afresh. 

TW  **************************** TW  SI

2 mos. ago, hub $1 died.  i grieved, mourned, all sorts of feelings came up, i was overwhelmed.  this man left me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, was verbally and emotionally abusive throughout our relationship.  he was moving in w/ another woman when i was living at a friend's house a month later. i nearly ended it a few days later, except my baby kicked, and i couldn't go thru w/ it knowing i would be killing her, too.  i moved back to live w/ my mother.

end TW

2 yrs. ago this same man who had shown me kindness and generosity, out of guilt i'm sure, for a few years before, was also integral in helping me get out of mexico because i was dying.  i wouldn't be here today except for him.  needless to say, my feelings about/for him were all over the place. 
gratitude, warmth, healing all took place on that road trip spanning more than 2 days.

a few days ago, ex hub #2 contacted my d to tell me that hub #1 had died, and there were lawyers who were trying to contact me, that there was money coming to me.  again, a number of feelings came up, including more warmth toward #1 and revulsion/gratitude toward #2.  my nc D also came up by association, and all the feelings around her.

during all this, my book was finished, and my d is editing it.  i knew there would be some issues, but she suggested several changes that i didn't expect.  this is a program that i'd created and presented many times in the past w/ nothing but praise for it, yet, i guess that transferring it from personal presentation to the written word is more difficult than i'd imagined.  she raised good points, but i felt blindsided for some reason. 

more feelings came up about not only that, but the fact that this book is finally finished after more than 25 yrs., something that my d is telling me (as she's reading thru it) that it's really good.  the triggers here came from ex hub #2, who, at the time, assured me he would edit it for me, pushed me off for months about getting started, then finally told me, when i confronted him, that he wouldn't do it after all, cuz he didn't want to have his name associated w/ something that was going to fail.

and now, i've been able to contact the d of hub #1, who told me that he'd told her that there are no lawyers involved, and that her dad had told her that i'd gotten half his pension in our divorce.  this was a shock to me as i'd not only not gotten any money from him, no alimony or child support as decreed by the judge, but that i remember nothing about pension money.  ex #2 was w/ me at the divorce proceedings, and he never mentioned it to me afterwards, either, so i believe it was never there.  as it is, i'd not received a penny of anything from him or his pension.

bringing this up now saw a glimmer of hope for my financial status, and i was able to contact his d who is executor of his estate!?? which is virtually non-existent.  however, she has found me to be someone who she could vent to (she and i have communicated ever so slightly in the past) about the lies of his current estranged wife, telling lies to and about her, which triggered me again re: the lies told to and about me by my nc D. 

this morning, his d wrote again, venting, but ended her email by saying she hopes he's in a better place with lots of sailing (he was an avid sailor) and lots of women.  blam!  lots of women was part of the reason our marriage didn't last, and i went into a tailspin, which i'm not dealing well with today. 

these blasts from the past are doing me in.  i just want all these people to go away!  leave me alone!  i can't turn around, do something pos. for myself that a trigger doesn't raise its ugly head and make something exciting and enjoyable for me turn to crapola.  and, due to my alexithymia, i can't put my finger on all the emotions i'm feeling, but i found myself simply weeping at tv shows last nite for no reason i could distinguish.

i looked for t's in my area, couldn't find any that dealt w/ trauma, so i'm hesitant to go to someone else - burned too many times on that front.

maybe i should've put this in the area of having an exceptionally difficult day, but i put it here.  this feels like major setbacks on so many fronts, and i'm having a hard time functioning.  i was hoping i could write it out here, get a little relief at getting it out of me.  a xanax day for sure, which is helping to take the edge off, but honestly, i feel like crapola.  can't get my feet under me, can't identify how i'm feeling, just want it all to go away and leave me alone.  tears are forming right now, and i don't know exactly why, cuz i can't feel a specific emotion, except maybe sad.  that seems so small, tho.

first, thank you, tee, for your continued support.  so very appreciated.  hope your vacation goes really well.   

just a note - new path here.  i realized i was beginning to repeat and repeat what went on in my past, and i'm now ready to accept what it was, how it was, what it did to me, how i responded, how i was, what i did, what i believed, what i denied, and i'm done.  it's time to let that go, i've worn it out, i've got new planets to discover, now universes to explore, and present-day symptoms to work on.  i don't want to stay what i was in many respects, but will also give myself credit for all i am, all i have accomplished, and for leading a wonderfully diverse and interesting life, that i'm not finished with yet.  here's to moving beyond the past into the present, enjoying who i am now, what i have now, my struggles and joys, and praying for the strength to keep finding new ways to rid myself of what was so that i can just be.  wow, that sounds incredible to me.  we'll see!  i have only been able to do this w/ your help, and i look forward to more of that as well.  yay, us!

i've been doing an adulterated version of a new-ish therapeutic technique on myself lately, and the other day the words 'i am safe now' floated up into my consciousness.  this is the first time i can remember actually 'feeling' this safe-ness since i was about 2 yrs. old, being rocked to sleep by my dad.  i could feel it then (i have a lovely memory of that), and have never felt it since, until 2 days ago.

i've heard from therapists, and others, the phrase 'you're safe now', but it never touched me.  i've never felt it even tho i could logically understand what was being said.  still, 'safe', to me, means that i don't have to do everything myself, don't have to figure everything out all the time on my own, don't have to be hyper-vigilant because i'm the only one who will take care of and protect me.  i think it also meant to me that i'm not completely shackled by thoughts, feelings, and emotions that don't help me.

what i don't think i've realized before, either, was just how much fear i've been carrying around most all my life.  i didn't really feel it, couldn't access or acknowledge it, but i'm thinking it must have been there w/o my knowing it, as a constant companion.   wow - that's trippy to think of.

maybe now i can begin to unwind my tensed-up muscles and learn what it feels like to relax on a regular basis.  i don't know, but i'm thinking this may be a start.  it's a warm feeling way deep inside.

hi, all,

i've recently been hearing of a new modality for trauma treatment called Brainspotting.  from what i've read, it seems to be a gentle, non-intrusive means to help people pinpoint a traumatic experience w/o having to relive it in its original intensity, and release physical and emotional toxins and impact.  its premise is that trauma is stored not only in the brain, but in the body as well.

from what i could garner on the internet, i tried a version of it on myself, and did have some positive results (i usually use myself as a guinea pig w/ these kinds of things if possible).

it's supposed to be helpful for trauma, anxiety, depression, sleep problems, and somatic issues.  therapists can be trained in this, and i just read there are more than 8,000 t's who have gone thru the training in the U.S.  don't know if it's available in other countries.  has anyone else heard of this or tried it? 

love and hugs to you.

Live

To move beyond the sore
   and soar
Is to live.

Turn the vile veil
   of evil
To the light,
And finally
   Shine.

tame

docile
repressed
re-processed

all the same, tame

yet a spirit soars within

take it on the chin
my head begins to spin
there is no more room within

if i can just tend
to the glory of my story
until my free becomes my friend

tame will come to an end

and i will be me once again.

it seems this is the first time i can remember feeling hope that i'm over the hump of recovery, mentally, emotionally, and physically.  don't know if it will last, but i feel more positive about the future than maybe since i ever began any kind of recovery.

i started on such a journey in my 30's, so we're talking about 35 yrs. of working at this.  unfortunately, because of that first t i had, i began in a setback mode.   she did so much damage to me, not only with my own therapy, but as a couple and a mother that it seems like i was pushed back years and years by confusion, pain, hurt, anxiety, depression, self-doubt, lowered self-esteem, and plain old cruelty (i can see that now as i look back).

so, every year i faced seemed more difficult than the last.  i remember thinking 'does it ever get any better?'  i would hear others be so excited about the progress they'd made, including with this t, and i couldn't fathom it, didn't know how that was happening for them cuz my experience was so much the opposite.  i felt worse every time i faced a new year, hoping it was going to get better, but being thrown back against a wall, slammed against it time and time again.

since this was my first stint with therapy, i didn't know it wasn't supposed to hurt, thought it was a 'no pain, no gain' sort of situation, and accepted everything she told me as truth - whether it was about myself, my partner, my parenting, my kids - everything.

the greatest thing she taught me was how not to be a therapist.  but it's taken me years and years to get thru the damage she did to me.  on top of that, i was married to a misogynistic npd, and had a torturous mentally ill daughter, also npd (in my eyes).  being triple-teamed was like trying to get out of quicksand by grabbing onto slime.  i only sank farther and my world got darker because i was being covered in yuck the entire time i struggled.

today, my world finally feels manageable.  it's such a strange feeling.  i see the sun thru these gorgeous trees in the morning and watch as it makes its way across the sky to sink gloriously beneath the sea in the evening.  i have virtually no friends anymore because i've gotten rid of most of them - i can see them as toxic now - and i, who was once surrounded by people and feared not having friends, feared horribly the idea of being alone, am content.

i'm done with the mr., and altho i'm still grieving that, running thoughts thru my head, i am also content with not having a man physically in my life (my hub still loves me, which is nice, but since i can't really depend on him for anything and don't ever plan to return, it's a marriage on paper only, a relationship for 20 min. on the phone every week, and 'i love you' emails, which are sweet), but i usually have had at least one man physically around since high school.    this is very different.   and it's ok. 

i'm healthier than i have been in at least 20 years, and that feels great. 

the people in my life from this forum are better friends to me in most ways than the people i had surrounded myself with irl.  that may sound sad, but i am extremely pleased about it - i've gotten more caring, nurturing, and affection on a consistent basis from this virtual forum than i have ever had in real support groups.  i'm content and satisfied with this, too.

and my d and i, well, that's better than i ever expected.  nearly every day she exclaims how much she loves it where we live, and my heart soars.  i'm so glad i was able to help her realize this dream of hers, and can continue to help her with her work.  my life has meaning thru her, and i am overjoyed.

so, i'm beginning a new chapter in my life, one that looks hopeful and positive, which i haven't been able to say for way too long.  i look forward to the future for the first time in ages as something not to dread, not to wonder 'what else is going to happen?' in a neg. way, and not to fear. (well, to be honest, i haven't had that much fear in my life anyway, but since i got in touch with that emotion, it's been overwhelming at times). 

and i like me, am satisfied (at last) with me - not that things won't pop up from time to time to deal with, make adjustments and all that - and have faith in me.  i'm leaving these newfound fears behind, leaving so much of what i've gone thru behind - it's like i've come to the point where so much of those parts aren't relevant anymore.  like i said, it's a strange feeling to at last stand up straight and look forward with positive anticipation.

i'm glad i'm here. 

hey, everybody,

as some of you know, i'm engaged in this ongoing debate with other emdr practitioners.  the subject has come up regarding c-ptsd and therapy, whether it's important during prep for therapy itself to have a stabilization component or not.

one of the clinicians has been citing research as saying stabilization for a c-ptsd client is not important, doesn't really help, and can therefore be "a waste of time and energy".  personally, i think it's important as it begins the entire therapeutic relationship, helps build trust, and allows the client to feel safer as they go into the minefield of truama therapy.

in my mind, this does not only pertain to emdr-based therapy, but any trauma therapy.  however, i would like to hear feedback from others as to whether they think time taken for stabilization is important, if it's helped them and how.  if people report that it has been helpful, i'd like to take this info back to the emdr community and let them know that we can't always rely on research alone to guide us when working to help c-ptsd clients heal.

i'd appreciate any input you'd care to give, if only for the sake of being able to make ourselves heard to those clinicians out there who are supposed to be helping us thru this.  thank you all.

i belong to an online emdr clinicians' support network, comprised of therapists from around the world.  from time to time, i've mentioned c-ptsd, but have had little response.

today i noticed that in the past few days there were several posts re: how to treat clients with both c-ptsd and with dissociation.  there were some interesting comments, ranging from sticking to proven theories to more individual ways of working with a client.

i couldn't help myself and jumped in.  too many times i've read here about how emdr clinicians have failed people on this forum, which has broken my heart.  so, i decided to post to them some of what i've learned here from you about what has worked and what has failed to work from emdr practitioners.

just wanted you all to know that you are being heard, and that i hope there will be a difference in how these clinicians look at c-ptsd survivors (i also hope i don't get kicked out for being too out of line - lol!).   i do sincerely believe in emdr as a wonderful tool to help with trauma-related symptoms, but also felt, just as sincerely, that some of the people in the field just don't get it.  (there were a lot of references to this and that article, etc. but too many didn't acknowledge the fact that many of us fall outside the curve and need creative, individual approaches).

so, for what it's worth, we're now out there in a more real way.  i just hope some changes will be made, and more of you will find some relief and healing.  love and hugs to all.

i found this article in prevention magazine and thought i'd post the link for anyone who's interested.  i know there have been people here who question whether they're npd or not, and this may help to set their concerns aside.

https://www.prevention.com/health/mental-health/g19876574/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/?utm_campaign=Today&utm_source=prevention.com&utm_medium=newsletter&smartcode=YN_0001079711_0001664210&sha1hashlower=695900beba80bf5a5f465f76465740665fa48252&md5hash=f6fc18ce3648fca09c451ded5549bcaf&utm_content=042418&utm_term=hed

it's clear, concise, easy to read and understand (even tho this link is a mile long - lol!), and hits the high points of what red flags to watch for, and even a little bit about how to deal with a npd in your life (work, family, relationships).  i hope it's helpful.  i was able to reaffirm about the narcs in my life instead of just guessing, which was very settling for me.

i see where my journal was heading toward 30 pages, and with a big move around the corner (again) i thought i'd start anew.

the move will take place in about 3 months.  don't know where, don't know how, don't know what to expect.  in the past few days, tho, i've begun feeling more like this is going to be another adventure, and i don't feel so small and fearful about it, which i'm very glad of. 

my part in this is to help my d realize her dream.  she's been thru so much, has battled and struggled because of her own childhood, our family dynamic, and the illnesses/woundings of the people with whom she grew up.  i've helped her out of guilt in the past, but i'm not in that same place now.  at this time of my life, it's more the idea that we are able to help each other.

her part is to help me cuz of my health/stress issues.  she's pragmatic and emotional about it at the same time.  she's been the one constant in my life who has showed me acceptance and kindness, which i believe has been helping me to gain a little traction in the healing department.  in her life, i have been a constant source of support and encouragement, while also showing her my remorse for my part in what happened to her, and the work i've done to change those things about me that do not benefit her life.

so, we've come to the point where we want to be in each other's company, we get along really well, and we can turn to each other in times of distress.  i'm still her mom, she's still my daughter, but it's all on an adult level now (which took some transitioning for me and she was helpful with that).  now, we are about to turn a corner together in our lives, a strange new world awaiting us.

i can't even imagine what this will mean in either of our lives.  it's very different from what most of our friends have done - she's not caretaking me cuz i'm too old to take care of myself, and i'm still helping her out financially even tho she's way into adulthood. 

lots of us here have talked about c-ptsd and how its effects have altered our lives, physically, emotionally, mentally.  i believe that the newfound relationship with my daughter is a result of this as well.   we've both been stunted in what we've wanted to accomplish and when.  it's been more difficult to do what we've wanted to do when we wanted to do it.  we've both made relationship choices that didn't work out well for us.  now we're turning another corner, but together.

i believe we still have things to learn from each other, so we'll continue to grow.  that feels good.  my biggest wish for her is that she can be happy, content, productive, and satisfied with her life.  my biggest wish for me is to continue healing so that i can feel the same as what i wish for her.  it's rather exciting to see what we'll meet around the next corner. 

a conscious realization today at the doc's office.  my daughter went with me, sat in the office with me.  the doc began talking about some test, gave me lots of info, blam, blam, blam, and suddenly i couldn't process any of what she was saying.  my mind shut down, i told her i couldn't understand any of it, and i'd have to talk about it another time.

at this point, i felt a touch on my knee.  my d had touched my knee, and when i looked over, i know i must've had a questioning look on my face cuz she smiled and said 'just wanted to let you know i'm here.'  truthfully, at that moment, i didn't know that, until the touch and i could see her.

this has happened before when bombed with a lot of new info.  my mind simply shuts down, and at times, i really don't know what to do next.  this is the first time i'm consciously aware and have noticed and been able to relay it somewhat coherently at a later time.

is this a form of dissociation?  depersonalization or derealization?  i've looked both of those up, i think i've experienced depersonalization in the past, but the idea that i forgot my d was in the room with me till she brought it to my attention is new.  confusing and scary.  i don't know what's happening.