31

Recovery Journals / ch. 4 -- around the next corner

« on: March 30, 2018, 04:22:27 PM »

i see where my journal was heading toward 30 pages, and with a big move around the corner (again) i thought i'd start anew.

the move will take place in about 3 months.  don't know where, don't know how, don't know what to expect.  in the past few days, tho, i've begun feeling more like this is going to be another adventure, and i don't feel so small and fearful about it, which i'm very glad of. 

my part in this is to help my d realize her dream.  she's been thru so much, has battled and struggled because of her own childhood, our family dynamic, and the illnesses/woundings of the people with whom she grew up.  i've helped her out of guilt in the past, but i'm not in that same place now.  at this time of my life, it's more the idea that we are able to help each other.

her part is to help me cuz of my health/stress issues.  she's pragmatic and emotional about it at the same time.  she's been the one constant in my life who has showed me acceptance and kindness, which i believe has been helping me to gain a little traction in the healing department.  in her life, i have been a constant source of support and encouragement, while also showing her my remorse for my part in what happened to her, and the work i've done to change those things about me that do not benefit her life.

so, we've come to the point where we want to be in each other's company, we get along really well, and we can turn to each other in times of distress.  i'm still her mom, she's still my daughter, but it's all on an adult level now (which took some transitioning for me and she was helpful with that).  now, we are about to turn a corner together in our lives, a strange new world awaiting us.

i can't even imagine what this will mean in either of our lives.  it's very different from what most of our friends have done - she's not caretaking me cuz i'm too old to take care of myself, and i'm still helping her out financially even tho she's way into adulthood. 

lots of us here have talked about c-ptsd and how its effects have altered our lives, physically, emotionally, mentally.  i believe that the newfound relationship with my daughter is a result of this as well.   we've both been stunted in what we've wanted to accomplish and when.  it's been more difficult to do what we've wanted to do when we wanted to do it.  we've both made relationship choices that didn't work out well for us.  now we're turning another corner, but together.

i believe we still have things to learn from each other, so we'll continue to grow.  that feels good.  my biggest wish for her is that she can be happy, content, productive, and satisfied with her life.  my biggest wish for me is to continue healing so that i can feel the same as what i wish for her.  it's rather exciting to see what we'll meet around the next corner. 

32

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / i'm in trouble

« on: March 11, 2018, 03:55:39 PM »

i feel broken.  it's everything i have to write this. no s.i., just paralysis.  the last doc appt. did me in.  i hate myself.  i can't keep doing this.

33

AV - Avoidance of Traumatic Reminders (eg Dissociation) / is this a form of dissociation?

« on: January 24, 2018, 01:17:53 AM »

a conscious realization today at the doc's office.  my daughter went with me, sat in the office with me.  the doc began talking about some test, gave me lots of info, blam, blam, blam, and suddenly i couldn't process any of what she was saying.  my mind shut down, i told her i couldn't understand any of it, and i'd have to talk about it another time.

at this point, i felt a touch on my knee.  my d had touched my knee, and when i looked over, i know i must've had a questioning look on my face cuz she smiled and said 'just wanted to let you know i'm here.'  truthfully, at that moment, i didn't know that, until the touch and i could see her.

this has happened before when bombed with a lot of new info.  my mind simply shuts down, and at times, i really don't know what to do next.  this is the first time i'm consciously aware and have noticed and been able to relay it somewhat coherently at a later time.

is this a form of dissociation?  depersonalization or derealization?  i've looked both of those up, i think i've experienced depersonalization in the past, but the idea that i forgot my d was in the room with me till she brought it to my attention is new.  confusing and scary.  i don't know what's happening.

34

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / 3rd anniversary of nc with my d

« on: January 21, 2018, 11:50:32 PM »

tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary, and have been having a lot of bad thoughts.  when it happened, it dropped me to my knees.  i almost didn't get up.  the 1st anniversary sent me into an 8-mo. ef.  last year wasn't so bad cuz i was really active here, and i decided i wanted to post about it, get it out of me, and maybe it won't run me over.

that was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life.  i also disconnected from her father, my ex hub, the same day, cuz i realized how he'd been blindsiding me with the problems with her, and that i'd actually been double-teamed for over 20 years by the two of them.  oddly enough, his birthday was the next day, and altho i reamed him out in an email, nice little me made sure to include a 'happy birthday' to him at the end.  i didn't want to seem too harsh.

well, i'm done protecting them and their cowardice, making excuses for their treatment of me, and i haven't communicated with either since.  maybe i've gotten harsh now, but it's my protective cloak.  i don't ever want to fall for this kind of crapola again.

so, this is kind of a preventive measure.  deep breath.  it felt good to just be able to come here and write this down. 

35

Therapy / 'flash' trauma therapy

« on: December 05, 2017, 09:26:37 PM »

i have just received notice of a new trauma therapy coming onto the scene.  it's called 'flash' therapy, there are research projects in the works, and trainings are now being offered.

it sounded interesting to me in that it supposedly helps people 'flash' thru a traumatic memory and have it resolved, much as the brain 'flashes' into a trauma situation with the trauma remaining as a disturbing memory in very little time.  from what i read, this allows faster processing of disturbing memories without the emotional disturbance that often accompanies therapy. 

the other possible positive is that traumatic memories/feelings, etc., can be processed more quickly, which will reduce the time factor of being in therapy.  there was even a sort of 'warning' to therapists who are going to get trained in this technique that they may have to take their present business plan into consideration, because they will be working with clients for a much shorter time.

this seems like it would be attractive to ins. companies, possibly even national health services as length of treatment would be much shorter, so less money would have to be paid out for services.

it sounds promising to me, and i wanted to put the word out that this is on the horizon.  it will be starting in the u.s., tho, so for others around the world, i don't know how much longer you may have to wait.  i was glad to see, tho, that professionals of trauma treatment are continuing to work on making the healing process from trauma much more amenable to those who are suffering. 

let's hope this catches on and is as good as it sounds.  wouldn't it be loverly!

36

Other / caretaking

« on: November 22, 2017, 09:53:38 PM »

i've dabbled in my mind with writing this down for quite a while.  for some reason today seems to be the day.

besides all the rest of what i went thru with therapists and hubs, caretaking my narc daughter has been one of the biggest stressors in my life.  it's stressful to care for anyone day after day, but when that person is also abusive for years on end, it elevates stress to a new level - trauma.

from the time she was very little (3 1/2) when my other d was born, there was something 'off' in our relationship.  i won't go into details, but it concerned judgment of me, competition for my love compared to how much i loved her sister, strange physical diagnoses as she grew older, lies, humiliation, mocking, ingratitude, and on and on.

it was a situation where i felt trapped, not by bars or someone older and bigger than me, but by my resolve to be a good mom, excusing such behaviors because of the many mental illness diagnoses she'd gotten from a young age.  i believed it my duty to stay, tolerate, have patience, excuse, and absorb every verbal and psychological barb she threw at me.

the idea that my then hub checked out of our family life as much as possible left me to become the 'bad guy', making the hard decisions, setting boundaries, and following thru with consequences.  several times i had breakdowns in the midst of this, but i persevered because i believed it to be my duty as a mom to always be there for her.

it is nearly 3 yrs. ago that i finally fought for my life by standing up to her and going nc.  she'd been cured of the schizophrenia and, so i thought, of the terrible behaviors and words.  i was wrong.  they were just as bad, if not worse than ever, even tho i was 2000 mi. away by this time. 

this abuse went on for over 30 yrs. and she'd once again crumpled me to my knees via emails.  that was the time i didn't know that i would be able to get up.  i was finally ready, i thought, to curl up, be like a vegetable, and let life finally pass me by.  by some miracle, i found a way.

being held hostage by the responsibility toward someone who is physically/mentally ill was, to me, almost my undoing.  she tortured me mentally and emotionally, willingly, and gathered allies while doing so.  she almost had my younger daughter believing her lies.  my hub never intervened, and one therapist even told us that my relationship with her was mine to figure out, that my hub needn't get involved.  i was trapped.

it was after i broke that last time that i discovered narc. abuse, supply, and what it was all about.  then i found this forum.  i also learned about narcissistic misogyny, (that hub) and what it entailed.  so much became clear.  they now live in the same town, doing some horrible dance that keeps each other connected thru guilt and victimization. 

i'm out of it now, and i thank god it wasn't too late.

37

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / feeling like a displaced person

« on: November 17, 2017, 10:35:17 PM »

i'm invited to my d's place for thanksgiving.  she asked her roomies if it was ok if i came.  i know both of them, have been nothing but kind, fun, and nurturing toward them (2 brothers, both very damaged by their mom).  i understand that, being an adult woman and a mother, they may not trust me.   there's nothing i can do about that.

today, however, when talking w/ my d, i said that i decided not to use their oven to cook a turkey i could get from a food bank.  when she and i were talking about the dinner, she told me the boys didn't want turkey, didn't like turkey.  so, they're making a chicken dinner instead.

when i told her i'd changed my mind, she said that the boys said it was ok for me to do it, and that it was 'our' dinner.  i told her 'no, it's not.  it's your dinner and you invited me.  there are too many unknowns, like what time i'd get picked up (i have no transportation) what time they'd want me to leave, and how long it would take to cook my own turkey.'

the idea that she has to ask permission for her mother to come over to enjoy their holiday celebration hit me full force.  it struck me that she's never been told 'it's your mother - she can come over whenever she wants.  we like her (which they do, i'm pretty sure) and you don't have to ask us'.

this asking idea came about when she first started being roomies with the older brother.  they'd decided they wanted to keep their place as a safe place, so would always check in with the other as to people coming over. (well, they've had people come over who peed all over her shoes cuz he was too drunk to make it to the bathroom.  how safe is that?)

so, i understand that part, but i don't understand the idea that it still has to be checked out by her as to whether my presence will keep them feeling safe or not.  i've tolerated this for several years now, have taken them out to meals, helped clean their place, and helped them financially with their business.  i'm feeling like i'm being kicked in the teeth with this.

plus, she's always been extremely defensive of them, and has dressed me down anytime she thought i was getting on one of their cases.  this has happened several times, i've explained i was playing, the boys seemed not to be offended, and i've talked to her about it several times.

then my landlady, who is a neat freak and keeps an immaculate house, told me i could cook my turkey here.  i told her no, that i felt very uncomfortable eating anyplace but in my room or using her appliances cuz her place is perfect and i'm messy and i'm afraid of spills and/or stains.  i got very anxious telling her this, and i know she felt bad that i'm so uncomfortable about this.

i've always felt uncomfortable going to peoples' homes that are showcases.  hers is.  even tho several of us rent rooms here, she's made it clear that it's her home and she wants things 'just so' in our rooms, will go in them to clean, pick up or straighten up, etc.  our doors also have to be open when we leave cuz she doesn't want that musty? smell of a closed room, even tho most of us have windows open.

so, all this came down today, and i'm a mess.  i feel like i just want to keep to myself, feel like i'm a 'guest' in both my daughter's place and the place where i live.  i get community living, i'm ok with that.  it's just quite intrusive at times, and reminds me of my mom when she comes into my room and fusses with a bedspread not quite straight or something like that.

listened to some dylan to soothe my soul, but also wanted to write here just to get this out.  this was the first time i made these distinctions out loud to both my d and my ll.  now i'm full of anxiety, nerves, and not excited about a holiday i'd been looking forward to.  crapola.  i hate this.

38

Recovery Journals / ch. 3 70's survival

« on: October 09, 2017, 02:58:48 PM »

i decided to write this stuff down anew.  new decade, new therapy, new thoughts and feelings.  clean start and all that. 

therapy has stirred the pot in ways i've never experienced before.  the first session, i felt relief, felt like someone was going to take care of me.  that thought has rolled around my head since.  i'm a grown woman, why would i feel so strongly about someone taking care of me? 

just this moment (which is why i need to write this stuff down), i'm seeing that need as coming from my little me.  she's popping up like never before.   it's not like i haven't taken care of me nearly all my life - i was trained well to ignore, deny, and bury myself so completely that there was an entity in my body with a wonderful brain who took care of business all the time - for myself and others.

but after my second session, i left feeling uneasy, like i'd done therapy wrong.  i know, logically, that can't be possible, but it was something she said that triggered that feeling.  that session was last thurs.  i've been nuttering on it since.  i didn't understand the feeling at first - it took till the next day to pinpoint (ooooh, here comes a little anger.  at her?  cuz she doesn't know everything?  possible)

by fri., i was seeing myself as very needy, seeing her as a savior.  sun. morning, the idea of being taken care of was so strong, and i knew it was my little me in full force.  very new feeling.  she's only 5 or 6.  memories began surfacing, things i'd already remembered in the past, but now i saw myself and how i was reacting to the experience at that time.  very new as well.

the trigger was when i was in the office and she asked me what healing looked like to me.  i immediately, without thought, pulled my shawl very tightly around me and began crying, saying i didn't know, that for all i've done to heal, i've gotten worse instead of better, and began talking about some of the narc abuse i experienced from my ex and older d.  it just spilled out.

she listened, then noted to me what had happened, what i'd done.  that's when she told me that i knew enough, had enough info, and i needed to just heal.  to me, that meant going into a sort of induced isolation from everyone else's stories and from the madness in the news.  i needed to put the focus solely on me for right now.  it was like she gave me permission to be completely self-concerned, a foreign concept.

she also said (what i heard) that from now on the logical part of my brain was to be telling the back part of my brain (emotional/visceral) what to do.  when she said that, i was triggered.  i didn't say anything cuz i didn't really know what was going on with me.  as noted, it took 3 days to figure it out.

the concept of amygdala hijacking came to mind during that time.  i'm not sure she's aware of it.  i looked it up yesterday to refresh my memory, make sure i had it right (i was doubting myself).  i'll have to talk to her about it because what i read is that when a message comes thru to the brain that feels dangerous (from past experience) our survival mechanism kicks in and the logical part of our brain is bypassed, which is why we have an unruly emotional response to something that wouldn't otherwise be seen as dangerous/life-threatening.

what popped for me was the idea that i had done something wrong, incorrectly by talking about having an ef, reacting to something in a way that was out of my control.  a. h. at its best/worst.  when she said that the front of our brain tells the back part of our brains what to do, it was as if she was telling me i did it wrong by not controlling my response.

going back to my childhood, doing something wrong, especially displeasing my father, was the worst feeling in the world for me.  his displeasure, his disappointment stirred up a fear that he would no longer love me and that i would be sent away from the person i most wanted to be near.  a real threat of that came in my teens, but for some reason, even as a child, i believed that would happen.  it was the worst feeling, the scariest feeling.

well, looking at it now, of course it would be.  that would be an abandonment feeling, and abandonment meant i would die.  so, to perceive that i was told i was doing this wrong by having such a visceral rather than logical reaction sent me sailing back to the body and mind of that little girl who was so afraid that if she did something wrong, she would be left out in the cold like the little match girl (no wonder that story hit me so profoundly!  i saw myself as her, dying in the cold).

this throwback to my childhood in this way has never come up before.  i can see and feel that little girl, and i was her in that office last week, pulling my shawl around me (omg, this is just pouring out of me right this minute), telling my t how cold i was, feeling my body shivering beneath my skin.  i'd never felt cold like that before.  it was totally different from any cold i'd ever experienced.  whoo, boy, these pieces are real and falling into place like never before.

big, deep breath.  i want to write this down because i want to be able to explain this to her.  massive breakthrough, very disturbing, the depth of this.   this helped clarify for me what i'm dealing with.  i'm feeling very somber.  no celebration here, no distress, per se.  profound. 

39

Birthday / nc daughter's birthday tomorrow

« on: September 22, 2017, 11:37:44 AM »

it's the middle of the night, i woke up from a nightmare of me fighting a bunch of people who were trying to kidnap my nc daughter.  it's her birthday tomorrow.  couldn't go back to sleep cuz i knew the nightmare would just continue.   i began crying at the thought of all she has suffered throughout her life.

my birthday is exactly 2 weeks after hers.  another link between us.  this has always been my favorite time of year, yet it's marred by so many incidents that coincided with my birthday, which i'd normally loved.  at one point in my life i even decided to celebrate my birthday during a different month.  too many neg. things would keep happening around my real one.  often, they were related to her.

so, i don't know.  i feel like i'm in deep mourning.  it's my frickin' daughter, and i can't be anywhere around her in any manner.  my first-born.  i had such high hopes for the two of us.   it's all shattered, shards piercing my heart every day that i stay alive.   whack a mole.  they keep popping up.

40

Emotional Abuse / being denied

« on: September 05, 2017, 07:14:09 PM »

i woke up this morning with the realization of how many times and by how many people i have been denied.  brushed aside.  pretended something we were involved in wasn't real.  too cowardly to admit their feelings. 

i have chosen so many cowards to have relationships with, it's astounding to me.  first love, hubs, tweeners - never willing to stand up and truly say how and what they felt.  they danced around it, like boxers in the ring who are afraid of getting hit.   not enough integrity to take on their responsibility as humans, partners, parents - whatever role they had chosen to be part of.

there were always signs that i could read, that i knew what they meant, yet when confronted with them, i was denied.  sometimes by changing the subject, sometimes with the threat of rage (i could see that one in their eyes), sometimes with anger that i would dare raise the question, and sometimes by their own denial that it was real.  man, i'm tired of that.  this was the last peg needed to fill a hole that i kept trying to fill with rationalizations, excuses, and reason.  nope, calling it what it is now.  cowards, all of them.  i can stand up and say that, finally, and put some pieces of my heart to rest.

what it did to me was put me in the place of always trying to figure it out, always trying to find some way to be seen and heard, to be validated, to be taken seriously, or to just acknowledge that i had a point, even if they didn't want to discuss it at the moment.  one of my 'favorites' was, when i asked how i looked after hours of primping to get it right, i was told 'if i don't like something, i'll let you know.' 

that was from my first love, the first man i was planning to marry.   no wonder i struggled all my life to feel pretty.  (well, it started with my folks, didn't it - i was never complimented for looks, achievements, behaviors, what have you).  he put the nail in the coffin that my folks built around me.   he was too cowardly to acknowledge that his heart was involved, to take a chance and say the words out loud.

i'd never admitted to having self-esteem issues until  recently - i was always well defended against feeling bad about myself.    this denial thing, tho, has definitely fed into them.  it's been a battle to continually keep up the facade that i was ok.  it's a relief to acknowledge that i really never was.  i chose just the right people, the cowards, to keep pounding nails. 

maybe i'm beginning to claw those nails out with this awareness that has been misting around my consciousness.   

41

Checking Out / back to nursing

« on: August 09, 2017, 01:45:06 PM »

i'll be gone today and tomorrow, nursing my d.  will miss you all. 

42

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / i'm freaking

« on: August 01, 2017, 04:06:58 AM »

i feel like i just keep whining about the same ol' stuff over and over.  i got about 10 pages in the mail to fill out about myself for the neuro-psych tests on the 7th.  i filled out about a quarter of the info, then just had to stop.  all these questions about my memory, hobbies, do i still enjoy things, am i motivated, and on and on.  i don't know how to explain that all these things are not the same as they were because of chronic prolonged trauma and stress.

i couldn't go on.   i haven't heard from my doc about the mri results, either.  my head is spinning, and i just break into tears intermittently.  i want to stop answering these questions, including about my childhood and such and just write in big letters across the pages - everything is different because of stress, including being able to fill out these frickin' questionnaires!!!

i know i have a week to do it, but i felt worse and worse as the day went on.  i don't want to answer any more questions like this.  it's too stressful, and it makes me feel terrible, like i'm getting the flu.  it's the stress flu, i know.  i feel crappy tonite.  i don't know what i'm gonna do.

so, i wrote here.  i'm floundering, feeling less and less stable as i continue with all this.  i hate this crapola!   i just needed to get this out. 

43

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / falling apart

« on: July 27, 2017, 04:06:09 PM »

today i woke up from a dream about my nc daughter.  she was saying and doing things to make herself look crazy, but, just as in real life, in my dream i doubted her.  she's never been trustworthy with this kind of thing.  when i woke, i realized that she was taking the place of me in the dream, that i'm the one who's feeling like i'm losing my mind and doubting so much of myself in the bargain.

i just started crying.  i am grieving, i believe, have come out of my robotic shell that just kept putting one foot in front of the other to get everything done in making this move happen, find a new place to live, and set up doc appts.  now i feel raw, lost, and scared.  there may be other emotions in there, but i don't know what they are.  alone.  so many losses since nov., including 2 best friends, 2 dear friends to death, my adopted country, my dream to live and die there has been shattered by the reality of my illness, my house, porch, flowers, garden, car, independence, marriage, and being able to rely on my hub to take care of me when i was down or sick. 

i am sick in my soul right now.  brain scan is tomorrow, and a neuropsych test in 2 weeks.  i'm so scared, once again, that i'm making all this up, that they'll find nothing wrong with me, that i'm just a psychosomatic mess and have been for over 30 yrs.  i know there's something wrong, but if the tests don't show it, then no one who can help me will know, and i'm in a morass of self-doubt.

and the doc bills are beginning to come in.  another worry, what with my d still disabled, still no job, and i have been helping her financially every month for several years.  she suffers from severe anxiety and has had to leave jobs because of it, but no one will help her out with disability ins.  she's been working so hard to make it on her own, but altho there are several jobs for her right around the corner, none of them have materialized.  then this pinched nerve thing that may be because, as her phy. ther. told her, she might have reached her threshold of stress.  i don't doubt that.

i do have an appt. with a trauma t in 2 weeks, who specializes in ptsd, so we'll see if she can adjust to that extra letter 'c' in front of it.   i'm simply trying to hold myself together, or i'm going to explode into a million pieces that will never be fixed.  me and humpty dumpty.  i think it's a day of netflix for distraction, so i can just sit still, be still, let the day go by.  threshold of stress.  dang, i passed that years ago.   god, give me strength.

44

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / projecting fears

« on: June 19, 2017, 10:45:10 PM »

here i am, settled in at last, unpacked, living in a lovely house with quiet, respectful people.  i'm now able to walk to the store, so i don't have to worry about food or about calling my daughter to take me there.  there's peace and quiet, time for myself, just what i need to be healing.  a doc appt. on fri. that will hopefully make some sense out of the mess of incompetence, being ignored, being poisoned, and medicated without a way to call a doc to find out what was happening and what was i supposed to do.

it all sounds wonderful, and it is.  yet, this morning i nearly had a major anxiety attack because for the last few days i've begun worrying about what will happen if my landlady dies!  what will i do?  i'll have to re-pack everything, either go back to living with my daughter and disrupt their entire household again, start again on looking for a place to live with no credit score at all, or i could always return to mexico, live with my hub again.  and i know what that would mean.

thinking about this, i was wondering if this is what people mean when they say they're waiting for the other shoe to drop.  everything is going dandy, yet i don't trust it at all.  it's a new sensation for me, is wreaking havoc with my nerves, and i don't understand it, have never experienced this before.

i've been repeating to myself 'god will take care of me', did breathing, stretches, and 1/2 xanax this morning to calm myself down cuz this state of mind is not good for my adrenals, especially after going thru 2 months of complete adrenaline overdrive.  just writing about it again is making me nervous.

i used to cruise thru life without fear, just with a lot of faith.  faith took care of everything for me.  now that i'm getting some of my emotions back, fear especially, i don't know how i could have accomplished any of what i did if i'd felt this way before.  my chest is tight right now, a sign of fear for me.  i hate this!

my landlady is my age but in seemingly good health, lots of energy, so i believe these fears are unfounded for the most part.  but the timing - just as everything is in place, this fear comes roaring in, overtaking everything!  i wish i could disappear.

45

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / grieving mode

« on: June 10, 2017, 06:43:00 PM »

yesterday it started, and today i'm feeling pretty down.  intermittent tears.  don't want to interact with anyone, don't want to talk.  just want to be and feel crappy.

not feeling well doesn't help.  i can't see being healthy right now as a viable entity.  no light at the end of that tunnel.  feeling sick-y over these past years has been so wearing - just a steady grinding down of my spirit.  put all the stress and change that i've gone thru in the past month and a half on top of it, and i just feel so sorry for me.  tears are running down my face right now.

i hate what this crapola has done to me, to my daughters, to my family.  we've all suffered so much.  it's just not fair!  god, give me strength.  i feel like i can't take much more of this.  i've found myself reverting to old controlling behaviors, to being out of touch with my feelings/emotions - stuff that i've worked so hard to change.  but in a snap, it just shows up again, like i've never done a thing about it.

time to kill some zombies.