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Topics - sanmagic7

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / grieving mode
« on: June 10, 2017, 06:43:00 PM »
yesterday it started, and today i'm feeling pretty down.  intermittent tears.  don't want to interact with anyone, don't want to talk.  just want to be and feel crappy.

not feeling well doesn't help.  i can't see being healthy right now as a viable entity.  no light at the end of that tunnel.  feeling sick-y over these past years has been so wearing - just a steady grinding down of my spirit.  put all the stress and change that i've gone thru in the past month and a half on top of it, and i just feel so sorry for me.  tears are running down my face right now.

i hate what this crapola has done to me, to my daughters, to my family.  we've all suffered so much.  it's just not fair!  god, give me strength.  i feel like i can't take much more of this.  i've found myself reverting to old controlling behaviors, to being out of touch with my feelings/emotions - stuff that i've worked so hard to change.  but in a snap, it just shows up again, like i've never done a thing about it.

time to kill some zombies.

Recovery Journals / let the healing begin
« on: May 24, 2017, 08:40:23 PM »
just got word - i'm in.  will be moving this week, should be all done and in my own spot by mon.  sobbed in gratitude and relief.  god does indeed work in mysterious ways.  i told the homeowner that i'd been in mex. for the past 15 yrs. and have no credit because of that.  she told me at the time she wasn't worried about that.  the background check came back today, sure enough - zeros across the board and a recommendation not to take me on as a boarder.  she's charging me a one-time, refundable $200 fee because of it, but she's taking me in anyway. 

i know that so much of this is due to all the positive energy you all have sent my way, all the warm wishes and wanting this to happen for me.  my heartfelt gratitude and thanks to all of you who have been pulling for me.  i can't tell you what this means, except that miracles do happen, so never give up your faith in the power of the universe.  bless you all. 

it may be a little bit after i move to get my computer up and running - gotta get some connectors for the wi-fi or something, but i'll be in touch when i can.  i can feel the tension running out through my pores as i write.  love and hugs to each and every one of you.  you're GREAT!!!

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / chaos
« on: May 18, 2017, 04:45:12 AM »
even tho i'm staying with my daughter and her 2 roomies (males) right now, i'm beginning to feel overwhelmed by the chaos of all this, both these past 3 weeks (has it only been that long?  feels like so much more) and the fact that their place isn't put together yet.  i just want my own space but it's impossible right now.  my brain wants to go wonky, i'm on the verge of tears, and i just want to curl up and make it all go away, put me in a home someplace and let me be.

i know i've been pushing myself (she's been injured so i've been taking care of her), doing human services stuff, paperwork, looking for a room to rent, the entire move and everything that led up to it, living out of 3 suitcases, no routine,  but today i'm just feeling like the walls are closing in and i'm slowly suffocating.  i'm scared i'm not going to be able to hold up much longer - yeah, that's it.  i'm scared.  scared that with no credit report, no one will take me in (tried getting one online today, everything came up zeros), scared of having to share a space with a stranger when the last thing i want to do is socialize, scared that i'm just going to start crying and not stop.  scared that pretty soon i'm going to crash and i won't be able to get up in time to do what needs to be done.

today i don't feel strong and tough like everyone sees me. 

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / i'm being dragged backwards
« on: March 23, 2017, 11:33:28 AM »
looking over my ophthamologist's notes yesterday, i noticed 2 notations that i hadn't seen before.  one was about a beginning cataract, the other was about my retina beginning to detach.  they'd screwed my appt. up so i saw someone who was not my doc, but she told the desk people that i needed to see my own doc as soon as possible.  i go back in may.

the pressure in my eyes had also gone up 5 pts. in each eye. (i've had glaucoma now for about 4 yrs.)  thinking about these notes, i recalled that a few times in the past 2 months, there has been a glitch in my eyesight, like a film coming down over one eye and i had a hard time blinking it away.

then, about 2:30 this morning, i had a recurring nightmare about someone attempting to kill me.  i'd wake up terrified, fall back asleep and it would continue where it left off, only from a different angle. this went on 3 or 4 times until the last part of the dream was my ex taunting me like the killer had, and he wouldn't stop.  i woke myself up for good, knew i couldn't even try to go back to sleep, so i got on the computer.  i'm exhausted.

dang, i don't know what to do anymore.  all the work i've put it to change my diet, eliminate the draining people from my life, getting rid of as much stress as possible, continuing to talk with my hub about all this and seeing how much he's been changing so as to afford me as stress-free a life as possible so that my body can heal from the ravages of the stress i've endured and absorbed that have broken my body and brain - and i find out that things are getting worse.  i am physically crumbling.

if it weren't for the stress, i'd say this was due to my getting older, but i know that isn't so.  there's been no history of any of this kind of eye problems in my family besides reading glasses or farsightedness.  but none of these kinds of problems that might've been genetically predisposing to me getting them. 

i researched these things.  when i asked the doc if the glaucoma could've been caused by stress, he said it's possible.  the retinal bit could be caused by inflammatory disease - i have a major problem with inflammation rearing its head in times of stress since my 30's.  these new things are knocking me for a loop.  i don't know what my motivation is for keeping on working so hard at getting better if my body is going to continue to break down in spite of my efforts?  what's the friggin' sense of trying anymore?

this new revelation i had this past week felt like it relieved so much tension from my body, and i've been nurturing that, feeling really hopeful that things are gonna turn around for me, that the healing was truly going to begin, and then this.  i'm asking for divine help with this cuz i definitely don't have it in me right now to keep at this.  i'm not seeing the point.  i was supposed to be getting better, not worse. 

in a dark place right now.  not the darkest, but my spirit has been bashed considerably by this.  no energy for anything positive today, that's for sure.  god help me make it thru today.  give me strength.  all the pain and vulnerability and anxiety and fear and work and changes it's taken me to tackle this beast, and it's getting the best of me anyway.  i don't know what else to do anymore.      :fallingbricks:

Anniversaries / anniversary of nc and ef
« on: January 21, 2017, 01:01:20 AM »
i don't know if this is the kind of anniversary you're meaning, but in 2 days is the anniversary of my ef last year connected to the anniversary of going nc with my daughter and narc ex.  i'm nervous, and along w/ this inauguration and everything around that, my anxiety is stabbing me in the chest.  too many neg. things in too short a time.  for the nonce, i'm living better through chemistry - it helped me sleep last night and today, and the xanas helps take the tension out of my body, which i don't need cuz it hurts my adrenals and keeps them from healing.  also taking tylenol cuz i'm in too much pain right now, and that's tensing me up as well. 

this is just not a good weekend for me.  my chest is tightening just writing about it.  plus, i've been reading van der kolk's book, and am getting guilt feelings cuz it seems like i'm not doing enough (just read the part about alexithymia) and i don't want to seem like that kind of person, but i just can't do it all right now.  that's what i've never liked about self-help books - they give me all this info and what to do with it, and i try to do what's suggested, but i end up over-doing, and going back too many steps, have to recuperate for several days/weeks, and start all over again.  it drives me crazy, which, again, i'm supposed to be staying as stress-free as possible for adrenal healing.  ugh!!!

can't wait till this weekend is over.  i'll have to put the book down again for a while as well.  sucks!  i am still doing my yoga, that helps, but it doesn't sustain me, that tranquil feeling, for very long.  going to watch some tennis now.  that's always relaxing until i get into a match with my fav player, then i get all excited, yelling, etc.  can't win for losing, sometimes.

i believe that my c-ptsd was caused by events in my adulthood, beginning with hub#1 telling me he didn't want to be married anymore when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant.  the entire marriage was abusive, don't get me wrong - lying, cheating, drugs, porn, disrespect, etc. - but i think i took the downward swing toward c-ptsd with this statement.

the trauma was exacerbated after i married hub#2, where i was in a state of confusion most of the time, not knowing who he was, what were his likes and dislikes in a day-to-day setting (he always looked to me for direction on what to do, where to go, how to deal with the kids, etc.).   he continually set me up to be the 'bad guy' in our family, making the difficult decisions, how/when to discipline, what they should eat, where they should go to school - it was all on my shoulders.  i knew i was in a downhill slide when i got pregnant, asked him to come to childbirth classes w/ me, and he refused, saying, you've been through this before, you know what to do.  we had been friends since high school, and i thought i was going to have a friend/partner/teammate in our marriage.  it never happened.

he adopted elder daughter, always did things like that so he looked like a really great guy to anyone outside our home.  he went into rages at the slightest mistake he made, but never got mad at me.  in fact, he was frightened of me.   (he admitted this later).  he also cheated on me, but with porn videos, nearly every night we were married, until he said something in therapy, and was diagnosed w/ a sex addiction.  he told me about it, telling me that he had been into auto-eroticism.  while he began going to SA meetings, i was terrified that i'd wake up one morning and find him dead in the living room with his junk hanging out.  i've never mentioned this here before, and my chest is tight.

i was also double-teamed in that elder, who had been diagnosed with any number of mental illnesses, was extremely abusive toward me, testing me when she was very young (if my sister and i were drowning and you could only save one of us, who would you save?  it would be her, right? cuz you love her more).  sophie's choice questions, competition w/ her sister to see who was getting preferential treatment from me.  as she got older, the abuse became public, including her friends in humiliating me, ignoring me when i was at a school function, things like that.  eventually, in high school, while she was self-harming, she lied to her friends and the school counselor, telling them all that i was beating her, giving her black eyes.  soc. services was called on me, and hate spewed out of the eyes of her friends if i happened to be around any of them.

when she was 16, the suicidal gestures began, and my hyper-vigilance was thrown into overdrive, never knowing from one day to the next if we'd get 'the call' that she was dead.  in and out of psych wards, she'd been on so many meds from an early age that i was always checking on her every night when she went to bed to make sure she was still breathing.  she was scheming, cunning, extremely intelligent.  and so hateful toward me, i didn't know which way to turn.  of course, hub#2 took no part in this, never stood up to her about her treatment of me, and was told by one couples therapist that the problems between her and me were between her and me.  i had no help, no support, no compassion.  he admitted later that he'd 'checked out' while all this was going on, just going to work, visiting her when she was in the hospital (what a great dad, right?) and becoming involved in stage productions so he was never home at night, either.  of course, when i confronted him on this, elder told me that i'd made him quit the only thing he loved doing, and how horrible i was for that.   his feeble denials did nothing but fuel the double-teaming dynamic.

and there was therapy going on, with a therapist who i now know held men in higher esteem than women, who made me feel worse about myself the longer i was involved with her instead of the other way around.  this was my first venture into therapy, i believed everything she said (i know now i had very little sense of myself, was newly into recovery from alc. and drugs so was extremely vulnerable, and wanted to please.  she took advantage of that.

in those 8 yrs. of being with her, i was her client, trained to lead her therapy groups (tho i was not a therapist at the time) and became her employee at the same time she made me her best friend.  if these 3 levels of involvement weren't enough, she often put me in double-bind situations, expecting me to act 'correctly' on two, sometimes 3 levels at the same time.  for example, i had gone through her group as a client, had had couples and singles sessions with her as my therapist, and, when i showed an interest in doing what she did, she encouraged me to join a training group so that i could become her employee and lead these same groups i had gone thru.  after a few months, she held a training group for other therapists (i still was not one), and invited me to join in as a refresher course kind of thing.  so, i was a student again at the same time she'd ask me to teach these other therapists what it was like to have gone through the groups as a client. 

other times she'd ask me to spy on therapists who were doing her groups, report to her about how they were coming along, snitch on them if they weren't making the grade, so to speak.  at one point on a group getaway, i was not only her roommate, but her confidante as she talked about the issues of other participants, and when it was over, she raked me over the coals in her office for the issues she noticed with me because i didn't participate fully with the others.  too many more examples to list here.

by the time i finally went back to college to actually become a therapist, i started learning what professional ethics and boundaries were all about.   none of what she'd been doing with me fit under ethical practices or professional boundaries, and i began the painful de-tangling of myself from her.  i was involved with her for 8 yrs.  by the time i'd gotten free, i had to get on meds for anxiety and depression.  it took me 8 more yrs. before i could get up the gumption to report her to the state board.

these four people in my adult life, 3 of whom i believe are narcs, and 3 of whom i believe are misogynists are the main people i see as causing my c-ptsd.  i finally was able to go nc w/ my ex and my daughter in jan., 2015, but only after being re-traumatized by them double-teaming me.  i had my 6th breakdown because of it, and almost didn't get up that time.  the anniversary of that nc caused a massive ef that lasted till aug of last year.  the second anniversary is coming up this month.  i believe i'm better prepared for it this time.   

there is so much more of the same that happened in those 20 yrs.  i finally moved away because i knew i was dying, could feel it happening.  they were killing me.  i've lived here for 15 yrs., and more of the same happened w/ ex and elder, only long distance.  so, 35 yrs. of abuse, chronic stress, tension, traumatization - it's no wonder my body has a difficult time functioning anymore.  but, i've survived the madness.  i have the people on this forum to thank for that in large part.  i couldn't be where i am today without you. 

thanks, kizzie.  this is my story if you want it.  i was able to get it out.  now, to relax.

Checking Out / so long
« on: December 17, 2016, 10:36:46 PM »
i'm leaving tomorrow for my visit with my daughter, won't be back till after christmas, and don't know when i'll be ready to post again.  in the meantime, happy holidays to all, and to all a good night.

Recovery Journals / the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers
« on: December 15, 2016, 04:19:54 PM »
i feel like i'm starting this from the ending and going backward.  that's how my recovery feels.  i'll be 70 next year, and most all i've learned about narc abuse and c-ptsd has begun within the past two years.  this hasn't been a pleasant journey, full of wonderful realizatons and major movements forward to health and healing.  instead, it's been a descent into disappearance with basically my smile remaining to the last.  just like the cheshire cat, my being and my essence are fading away.  the more i've come to know about what's happened to me, what's continued to happen to me, what's going on with me, the sicker i'm become physically.  my mind is full of knowledge while my body is crumbling into nothingness - all the result of layers and years of trauma, abuse, and chronic stress.  this is a cautionary tale - in my deepest soul, i want others to avoid what i'm going through if at all possible.

that's it for now.  this will be in bits and pieces, bactracks and forward movements, all higgledy-piggledy at times.  i will speak of sadness, profound sadness, mainly because there was so much more i wanted to do, but i'm losing the strength and energy to do it.  i will speak of anger, virulent anger at the thought that people took advantage of my good nature when i was loving and trusting toward everyone.  i will speak of not having access to my emotions for most of my life, of brain and body damage that have resulted from abuse.  i will just speak for as long and as often as i am able.  i feel so dramatic writing this, yet it has been the drama and madness that has been my life, that has brought me to this place. 

i have one more physical trip to make, and while i'm determined to make it, i'm terrified that i will be a blubbering mess the entire time.  i'm writing in the hope that i can avoid that.  it's too important to me.

General Discussion / excusing others
« on: December 11, 2016, 11:46:33 PM »
as i'm going through the grieving process of letting go of my friend of 20 yrs., i found myself wanting to make excuses for her behavior - again.  she has c-ptsd and lots of issues, and i've excused a lot of what she's said and done in our relationship because i knew she was hurting and in pain.  i started wavering on possibly bringing her back into my life little by little with an attempt to explain why i reacted the way i did (i'm feeling a bit better the past 2 days, a little more energy).

just now, as i'm writing, it struck me that this is exactly what addicts do - they get rid of their drug of choice because it had begun making them feel so badly, then, after a period of time, with some food and rest, they believe they can go back to their drug of choice (in this case, it would be my relationship with her) thinking that this time they can handle it, this time it'll be different, that somehow it won't hurt them the same way this time.

i've excused peoples' behaviors and words toward me with a variety of reasons - their upbringing, how they were taught, they were sick, they didn't know better, they've also been hurt/traumatized - and swallowed their bad behaviors believing that i can take it and show them they are lovable, they're good people, i love/like them in spite of their 'faults' (abuse toward me), that i accept them unconditionally.  all the while, in the back of my mind, i was hoping that they'd 'get it' from my so-called role modeling and i would get the same consideration in return.  that i would be loved and accepted even when i wasn't perfect.

in these relationships, i was always thinking of the best, most loving, caring, kind thing to do or say.  i thought i was setting an example for how i wanted to be treated.  somehow, it never worked.  those people, including this friend, continued with their expectations of me to stay kind and caring no matter what they did.  they didn't change their ways.  it's like the drug.  the drug never changes.  food, exercise, drugs, alcohol, tv - whatever one's drug of choice, including abusive relationships, won't change.  it's a reality that i've known from other addictions.

this relationship lasted 20 yrs.  i drank for 20 yrs., smoked for 20 yrs., overate even longer, and went from one bad relationship to another, several lasting 20 yrs. or more (over 30 yrs. w/ my daughter).  whew, a big sigh just escaped.  i must've hit a truth here.  i got really anxious today because her birthday is coming up, and it was always a big deal for her because it's dec. 24th, and it would always get lost in her family because of christmas.  so, as long as we were together, i tried to make up for all the dismissals of her birthday by making a big deal of it, whether we were together in the same town or across country. 

the idea of wishing her a happy birthday crossed my mind - it's the big 6-0 this year.  i've already told her that i was too sick to get over or discuss this last incident between us, but today, feeling a little bit stronger, i wanted to do something nice for her, dip my toe back into the addiction, so to speak.  because i didn't acknowledge the death of her one-time love from here last week, i can see where i'd be setting myself up for all kinds of abusive mayhem from her.

so, no.  i don't want this kind of person in my life at any price.  she may be going thru *, but so am i, and i didn't see her reaching out a caring hand to me when i wrote her about how i felt about what she'd done.  she DARVO'd me instead (love that acronym).  she's got a lot of issues that i've put up with, cared about, cared for her while she was going thru bad times, always excusing them because of her terrible upbringing, etc., that she'd gone thru.  her response to me showed me that the drug hasn't changed, and i have no obligation to go anywhere near it.  my anxiety is based on guilt of not being a good friend. 

i was a great friend with booze, cigs, food - never let them down, always reached for them in good times and bad.  we'd celebrate together and commiserate together.  but they never changed, and my life was not made better because of them.  i'm now looking at my friend the same way.  my chest is hurting, so i know i'm afraid of this attitude, afraid of standing my ground, afraid of taking care of me first, afraid of hurting her.  i' m very afraid that some relationship police will jump out of the sky and put me on the rack for not taking care of her in her time of need.  it's always been my job before, and i'm scared of quitting it.  still, i know that if i even put a toe back in there, i will be the one to get hurt, no matter how well-meaning, warm, loving, and sincere my intentions.  the drug doesn't change. 

i don't have to make excuses for her behavior anymore.   or anyone's.  abuse is abuse, and i don't have to allow it anymore.  that's the greatest thing about being an adult, to my mind.  i don't have to take it, not from anyone, no matter their circumstances or their past.  i've worked hard to get rid of my abusive behaviors toward others.  they deserve to do their own work as well.  another sigh.  i believe i can now let her be.

General Discussion / adrenal fatigue
« on: November 27, 2016, 12:37:35 PM »
i have (finally) been formally diagnosed as having adrenal fatigue, and just started a steroid treatment regimen, along with paleo diet to last a month, then it'll be revisited.  we'll see what happens.  i'm still on antibiotics for a cold that went south cuz my immune system is too weak to fight even that off, and continue to feel crummy and move unnaturally slowly.  i was also up by 3 this morning, something i've read often happens because of adrenal fatigue.

at any rate, he said i showed all the symptoms of having it, listened to my history, and seemed to be quite caring, which is refreshing.  one thing he told me was to find things to do that i enjoyed, and because of feeling sick and the alexithymia thing going on, i seemed rather argumentative, i guess, cuz he kept telling me to listen to music as a relaxation thing, and music doesn't normally do it for me.  i'm much more of a nature-sounds gal.  he didn't get it, kept pushing music on me.

anyway, that's besides the point.  i asked how long before this was going to make me feel better (one shot, and one pill/day for a month), and he said who knows?  maybe tomorrow.  well, i don't feel better even tho i was hoping to.  some disappointment there.  i did think of jigsaw puzzles, and want to get one set up.  i used to love doing those.  he also said sex, which has been out of my life for years due to my husband's fears.  i have a lot of resentment and anger built up around all that which i've never gotten out fully.

o, this is so tangled.  i couldn't think of much that i enjoyed, even tho i really do enjoy a lot of things.  i'm in the midst of knitting a shawl for my daughter, made a god's eye for her household for christmas, love watching silly sitcoms and laughing out loud, love gardening, which we have one started but haven't been well enough to get out there and putter around in it like i'd like to and have had to let others take care of it, but the plants are babies and need watering and i'm afraid that they don't know anything and will muck it up and aaaaargh!  instead of enjoying it, i'm afraid i'll be devastated if i lose it.

plus, this doc doesn't know about my c-ptsd, didn't have time to tell him (maybe next visit in jan.) altho i told him about the alexithymia, but i don't think he really understood it.  geez, does this ever get easy?  the more i know, the more i find out, the more complex it gets.  maybe i'm just overwhelmed right now.  like my favorite line from star wars - there are too many of them!

and, i've pretty much let go of that girlfriend, figured out she DARVO'd (thanks to someone else's post, i read about it and was able to recognize it) me in her email response, so there's another loss about which i'm ambivalent.  i don't know.  i guess i just needed to write this out in a place where i feel cared about and understood. 

so, little by little, as the doc said.   and my husband is still out of work because of his eye, and my money is now beginning to be eaten up, and i was hoping to get the frick out of here and visit my daughter for christmas, spend some money on her and me and just have some fun and laugh at jay and silent bob striking back, big bang theory, and bob's burgers - 3 of our favorites for simple, silly enjoyment.  and have an amer. christmas for a change in the pacific nw, where i've never experienced christmas before.  i'm just afraid (at least that emotion has come roaring back!) that i won't feel good enough to do that.  this has all become daunting, and it's something i've never felt before.  i don't like it.

a side note for anyone interested - the doc said chronic fatigue is often misdiagnosed and is actually adrenal fatigue.  they have many of the same symptoms.  he did ask if my chronic stress lasted 15 yrs. or more - mine is more like 40, unless i throw in all the no-emotions stuff from my parents, in which case it's basically my entire life.  that's a lot of years of being stressed.  i want some energy back so i can at least do some of the things i like besides sitting at the computer.  my butt falls asleep!

General Discussion / shame, anger, and rage (possible triggers)
« on: November 19, 2016, 04:01:41 PM »
here is some information i researched when i was thinking of doing a workshop on understanding where rage comes from.  it helped me understand it, its intricacies, its causes, and its dynamics.

Shame is necessary for conscience, modesty, and morality.  It becomes a problem when it's covered over.

Shame can come from a sense of being weak, inadequate, powerless, helpless, impotent, humiliated, or incompetent

Shame is often masked by  anger, bravado, arrogance, and/or indifference.

Shame can become an obsessive preoccupation with what feels shameful.

In order to be free of shame, it must be expressed and discharged.  It is like a fungus - it can only grow in the dark, but withers and dies when brought into the light.

Anger is brief and instructive and is without shame.

Anger plus shame equals rage.

When anger has its source in feelings of rejection or inadequacy, and when those feelings aren't acknowledged, a continuous spiral of shame/anger may result.  At the end of this spiral is hatred and rage.

Rage is triggered by a perceived insult, and has its roots in feeling ashamed or afraid of being angry.

my ex-hub would go into a rage over things like dropping an ice cube on the floor or playing the wrong card during a game or not bowling a strike.  i didn't understand it at all.  so i began exploring the phenomenon.

i also discovered that there are two kinds of rage - red and black.  his red rage was apparent when he made a mistake of any kind, at home or at work, or even when we were engaged in something that was supposed to be fun  - it didn't matter.  at these times he would yell and throw or kick things.  it scared people.

but his black rage was evident when he thought he was being held to task for something he'd done, or when he thought he was being insulted.  when i'd confront him on something that was too close for his comfort, i saw his eyes go black.  once, not too long ago, we were at an airport on a moving walkway.  i was listening to him, and had my back to where the walkway ended.  it came upon me by surprise, and i stumbled, said to him 'why didn't you tell me we were at the end?'.  immediately, his eyes got black.  i knew what that meant  -  danger  - so i just kept walking, and he didn't say a word about it.  no acknowledgment, no apology.

perceived insults usually happened while he was driving.  if someone passed him on the wrong side, he would speed up and ride the person's bumper, putting all our lives in danger.  once, my daughter told me that he caught up to the driver at a stop sign, jumped out of the car, and stomped off to give the driver a piece of his mind.  the car was filled with four young men who did not look like good-little-boy types, and my daughter sat there quaking in fear.  again, black rage meant danger.

rage is a debilitating emotion, and we have too often had to endure it, and, if we were lucky, survive it.  too many times it served as a pattern to follow, or we were forced into feeling it because of our own situations and circumstances.  i don't know if this will help anyone, but it helped me, made things clearer for me, especially to know that i couldn't fix it for him.

but i was finally able to see it for the abuse it was, even though it was never overtly directed at me during 20 yrs. of marriage.  those warning looks of the black rage were enough.  i didn't realize it at the time, but i was scared of what he might do in those moments, and instinctively backed down.  however, in our household, it became akin to an everyday thing, and we all excused it or just let it go.

i finally did begin demanding that he quit driving and let me drive when he was out of control.  unfortunately, my daughters didn't have that option when he drove them to school or whatnot.  and, when i found out that he was still raging at home or in the car with them when i wasn't around, they begged me not to say anything.   i think now that they may have been scared that they would experience even worse ragings if i said something to him.  delayed realizations, indeed.

Poetry & Creative Writing / storm
« on: November 19, 2016, 03:03:09 PM »
this is something i wrote many years ago.  just thought i'd share.


once under the storm
the wheels of fortune cut loose
and bake an overstated
merit award of plunder
while we stock the pot
and light up anew.

heavens above worship our loss
the cocktail time takes hold
of the underbelly of destiny,
and we know there is none.
why wait?  it will only float on
in a margin of hopeless.

notwithstanding in the rains
we pull our hats over our heads
hiding from the streaks of blight
that shatter above.
turning on our appeals,
we understand now
why it took so long.

Friends / dilemma
« on: November 16, 2016, 12:26:46 AM »
my best friend of about 20 yrs.  we used to work together, she came to mexico, lived here for 7 yrs., got sick, and had to go back to the states.  she's been back there about 8 yrs., has discovered she also has c-ptsd.

for much of this relationship, i have been there for her, unconditionally.  i'm now seeing everything in a different light, and i'd love feedback, perspective, suggestions, anything that comes to mind.

i've had a very rough year.  i visited her several months ago mainly because of a pre-planned theater date, spent 2 weeks, but was coping with an enormous ef, and didn't go to all the places she wanted me to go.  i knew i'd disappointed her.  we live across country from each other.

she's been wanting to come back here to visit for a long time, and last month she said she was ready to come, spend the holidays here.  because of my living arrangements and my hub's work schedule, it wasn't going to work out for her to stay with us.  i offered to pay for a motel while she was here, gave her an amount that i felt i could afford.  she'd told me to save my money cuz she was coming without very much.   i also told her she could use my car while she was here, but that i wouldn't be able to be her 'playmate' very much because of how sick i've been feeling.

my hub and i hit a rough patch, she knows him, and i confided in her as one best friend to another.  i found out a few days later that she went behind my back and messaged him on fb, saying she was worried cuz of what i'd told her, and was he ok.   by that time, he and i had some great talks and things were better than ever, and he told her that, told her not to worry.

she then told him that because of the way i was and his and my situation, she had told me that she wasn't going to come down after all, that she was working on getting healthy and that it would be too stressful for her to be here.  she told him that she was sad becuz she wanted to see his best friend with whom she has a special relationship.  they had lived together for a spell while she lived here.

when she wrote to me that she wasn't coming down, she said she was both mad and sad.   she left out the 'mad' part when communicating with him.  my hub lets me use his fb page, and i had messaged her 'hey'.  she wrote back 'i love you, but i feel like i've been punched in the stomach.  give me some time, i'll get back to you soon.'

i feel angry, betrayed, and not trusting of her now.  i value friendship a lot, and i can't imagine going behind my friend's back after she'd told me about problems in her relationship to ask her partner (even if he was my brother) if he was ok, that i'd heard about what had happened between them from her.

the other part of this is that she has a ptsd service dog, which is normally allowed on public transportation.  when i mentioned the mex. buses, she said that service dogs are recognized universally.  well, i don't trust mex. much, and asked my hub to find out next time he went to the city where she'd be connecting from the amer. bus to the mex. bus.  they told him absolutely not, unless it was a dog for the blind.

after i'd told her this, she then began thinking of her special friend's kids who come down to visit him over christmas (the town is 125 mi. away - more than a cab drive).  everything w/ his kids had changed this year, partners, friends, no idea what they were going to do or when they'd plan to leave there (it's a border town) to come here, or how long they'd stay.  nothing substantial at all.  and i know that flights have to be booked pretty soon because of the holidays.  essentially, it had turned out that she actually couldn't even get to our town.

so, i'm also ticked off that she's even putting a hint of a whisper of blame on me and my health and the rough patch with my hub that would stress her out for her not coming here when, in actuality, she can't get here, period.  it doesn't matter how i feel becuz she can't frickin' even get here!  he and i have talked about this, he said he thought she'd betrayed me and that it was wrong to include me in her equation for not being able to get here.

so, now i'm sitting with all these emotions, waiting to hear from her (4 days now) and really in a quandary as to whether i should write her and tell her what i think.  this kind of thing has happened before between us, especially when men were involved, but i always swallowed it, allowed it, supported her, and let it lie.  my truth voice doesn't want to ignore this anymore, even if it means losing her as a 'friend'.  my hub said, 'with friends like that, who needs enemies'.  feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, on the horns of a dilemma, in a pickle, and any other euphemism you can think of.    :stars:

since i also have problems w/ knowing my emotions, i'd like to check in on if anyone thinks i'm overreacting or out of line with how i'm feeling.   any thoughts?

The Cafe / what's in a name?
« on: October 31, 2016, 11:49:00 AM »
i've been fascinated by the various names used in this forum, and would love to learn more about them (without revealing personal identification, of course) - just how a name was chosen, its significance for a person, why that particular name.

mine is from my first name, my favorite number (7 - altho it's not necessarily my lucky number, it's just been my favorite as long as i can remember), and that i believe in the magic of life, the universe, and everything.  one of my mantras is 'trust the magic.'

anyone else care to share?

Checking Out / too messed up
« on: October 17, 2016, 07:22:03 PM »
i've got to leave.  hope to be back soon.

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