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Topics - sanmagic7

#41
Recovery Journals / ch. 3 70's survival
October 09, 2017, 02:58:48 PM
i decided to write this stuff down anew.  new decade, new therapy, new thoughts and feelings.  clean start and all that. 

therapy has stirred the pot in ways i've never experienced before.  the first session, i felt relief, felt like someone was going to take care of me.  that thought has rolled around my head since.  i'm a grown woman, why would i feel so strongly about someone taking care of me? 

just this moment (which is why i need to write this stuff down), i'm seeing that need as coming from my little me.  she's popping up like never before.   it's not like i haven't taken care of me nearly all my life - i was trained well to ignore, deny, and bury myself so completely that there was an entity in my body with a wonderful brain who took care of business all the time - for myself and others.

but after my second session, i left feeling uneasy, like i'd done therapy wrong.  i know, logically, that can't be possible, but it was something she said that triggered that feeling.  that session was last thurs.  i've been nuttering on it since.  i didn't understand the feeling at first - it took till the next day to pinpoint (ooooh, here comes a little anger.  at her?  cuz she doesn't know everything?  possible)

by fri., i was seeing myself as very needy, seeing her as a savior.  sun. morning, the idea of being taken care of was so strong, and i knew it was my little me in full force.  very new feeling.  she's only 5 or 6.  memories began surfacing, things i'd already remembered in the past, but now i saw myself and how i was reacting to the experience at that time.  very new as well.

the trigger was when i was in the office and she asked me what healing looked like to me.  i immediately, without thought, pulled my shawl very tightly around me and began crying, saying i didn't know, that for all i've done to heal, i've gotten worse instead of better, and began talking about some of the narc abuse i experienced from my ex and older d.  it just spilled out.

she listened, then noted to me what had happened, what i'd done.  that's when she told me that i knew enough, had enough info, and i needed to just heal.  to me, that meant going into a sort of induced isolation from everyone else's stories and from the madness in the news.  i needed to put the focus solely on me for right now.  it was like she gave me permission to be completely self-concerned, a foreign concept.

she also said (what i heard) that from now on the logical part of my brain was to be telling the back part of my brain (emotional/visceral) what to do.  when she said that, i was triggered.  i didn't say anything cuz i didn't really know what was going on with me.  as noted, it took 3 days to figure it out.

the concept of amygdala hijacking came to mind during that time.  i'm not sure she's aware of it.  i looked it up yesterday to refresh my memory, make sure i had it right (i was doubting myself).  i'll have to talk to her about it because what i read is that when a message comes thru to the brain that feels dangerous (from past experience) our survival mechanism kicks in and the logical part of our brain is bypassed, which is why we have an unruly emotional response to something that wouldn't otherwise be seen as dangerous/life-threatening.

what popped for me was the idea that i had done something wrong, incorrectly by talking about having an ef, reacting to something in a way that was out of my control.  a. h. at its best/worst.  when she said that the front of our brain tells the back part of our brains what to do, it was as if she was telling me i did it wrong by not controlling my response.

going back to my childhood, doing something wrong, especially displeasing my father, was the worst feeling in the world for me.  his displeasure, his disappointment stirred up a fear that he would no longer love me and that i would be sent away from the person i most wanted to be near.  a real threat of that came in my teens, but for some reason, even as a child, i believed that would happen.  it was the worst feeling, the scariest feeling.

well, looking at it now, of course it would be.  that would be an abandonment feeling, and abandonment meant i would die.  so, to perceive that i was told i was doing this wrong by having such a visceral rather than logical reaction sent me sailing back to the body and mind of that little girl who was so afraid that if she did something wrong, she would be left out in the cold like the little match girl (no wonder that story hit me so profoundly!  i saw myself as her, dying in the cold).

this throwback to my childhood in this way has never come up before.  i can see and feel that little girl, and i was her in that office last week, pulling my shawl around me (omg, this is just pouring out of me right this minute), telling my t how cold i was, feeling my body shivering beneath my skin.  i'd never felt cold like that before.  it was totally different from any cold i'd ever experienced.  whoo, boy, these pieces are real and falling into place like never before.

big, deep breath.  i want to write this down because i want to be able to explain this to her.  massive breakthrough, very disturbing, the depth of this.   this helped clarify for me what i'm dealing with.  i'm feeling very somber.  no celebration here, no distress, per se.  profound. 
#42
Emotional Abuse / being denied
September 05, 2017, 07:14:09 PM
i woke up this morning with the realization of how many times and by how many people i have been denied.  brushed aside.  pretended something we were involved in wasn't real.  too cowardly to admit their feelings. 

i have chosen so many cowards to have relationships with, it's astounding to me.  first love, hubs, tweeners - never willing to stand up and truly say how and what they felt.  they danced around it, like boxers in the ring who are afraid of getting hit.   not enough integrity to take on their responsibility as humans, partners, parents - whatever role they had chosen to be part of.

there were always signs that i could read, that i knew what they meant, yet when confronted with them, i was denied.  sometimes by changing the subject, sometimes with the threat of rage (i could see that one in their eyes), sometimes with anger that i would dare raise the question, and sometimes by their own denial that it was real.  man, i'm tired of that.  this was the last peg needed to fill a hole that i kept trying to fill with rationalizations, excuses, and reason.  nope, calling it what it is now.  cowards, all of them.  i can stand up and say that, finally, and put some pieces of my heart to rest.

what it did to me was put me in the place of always trying to figure it out, always trying to find some way to be seen and heard, to be validated, to be taken seriously, or to just acknowledge that i had a point, even if they didn't want to discuss it at the moment.  one of my 'favorites' was, when i asked how i looked after hours of primping to get it right, i was told 'if i don't like something, i'll let you know.' 

that was from my first love, the first man i was planning to marry.   no wonder i struggled all my life to feel pretty.  (well, it started with my folks, didn't it - i was never complimented for looks, achievements, behaviors, what have you).  he put the nail in the coffin that my folks built around me.   he was too cowardly to acknowledge that his heart was involved, to take a chance and say the words out loud.

i'd never admitted to having self-esteem issues until  recently - i was always well defended against feeling bad about myself.    this denial thing, tho, has definitely fed into them.  it's been a battle to continually keep up the facade that i was ok.  it's a relief to acknowledge that i really never was.  i chose just the right people, the cowards, to keep pounding nails. 

maybe i'm beginning to claw those nails out with this awareness that has been misting around my consciousness.   
#43
Checking Out / back to nursing
August 09, 2017, 01:45:06 PM
i'll be gone today and tomorrow, nursing my d.  will miss you all. 
#44
Recovery Journals / let the healing begin
May 24, 2017, 08:40:23 PM
just got word - i'm in.  will be moving this week, should be all done and in my own spot by mon.  sobbed in gratitude and relief.  god does indeed work in mysterious ways.  i told the homeowner that i'd been in mex. for the past 15 yrs. and have no credit because of that.  she told me at the time she wasn't worried about that.  the background check came back today, sure enough - zeros across the board and a recommendation not to take me on as a boarder.  she's charging me a one-time, refundable $200 fee because of it, but she's taking me in anyway. 

i know that so much of this is due to all the positive energy you all have sent my way, all the warm wishes and wanting this to happen for me.  my heartfelt gratitude and thanks to all of you who have been pulling for me.  i can't tell you what this means, except that miracles do happen, so never give up your faith in the power of the universe.  bless you all. 

it may be a little bit after i move to get my computer up and running - gotta get some connectors for the wi-fi or something, but i'll be in touch when i can.  i can feel the tension running out through my pores as i write.  love and hugs to each and every one of you.  you're GREAT!!!
#45
Emotional Abuse / there are too many of them!
January 09, 2017, 11:11:39 PM
i believe that my c-ptsd was caused by events in my adulthood, beginning with hub#1 telling me he didn't want to be married anymore when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant.  the entire marriage was abusive, don't get me wrong - lying, cheating, drugs, porn, disrespect, etc. - but i think i took the downward swing toward c-ptsd with this statement.

the trauma was exacerbated after i married hub#2, where i was in a state of confusion most of the time, not knowing who he was, what were his likes and dislikes in a day-to-day setting (he always looked to me for direction on what to do, where to go, how to deal with the kids, etc.).   he continually set me up to be the 'bad guy' in our family, making the difficult decisions, how/when to discipline, what they should eat, where they should go to school - it was all on my shoulders.  i knew i was in a downhill slide when i got pregnant, asked him to come to childbirth classes w/ me, and he refused, saying, you've been through this before, you know what to do.  we had been friends since high school, and i thought i was going to have a friend/partner/teammate in our marriage.  it never happened.

he adopted elder daughter, always did things like that so he looked like a really great guy to anyone outside our home.  he went into rages at the slightest mistake he made, but never got mad at me.  in fact, he was frightened of me.   (he admitted this later).  he also cheated on me, but with porn videos, nearly every night we were married, until he said something in therapy, and was diagnosed w/ a sex addiction.  he told me about it, telling me that he had been into auto-eroticism.  while he began going to SA meetings, i was terrified that i'd wake up one morning and find him dead in the living room with his junk hanging out.  i've never mentioned this here before, and my chest is tight.

i was also double-teamed in that elder, who had been diagnosed with any number of mental illnesses, was extremely abusive toward me, testing me when she was very young (if my sister and i were drowning and you could only save one of us, who would you save?  it would be her, right? cuz you love her more).  sophie's choice questions, competition w/ her sister to see who was getting preferential treatment from me.  as she got older, the abuse became public, including her friends in humiliating me, ignoring me when i was at a school function, things like that.  eventually, in high school, while she was self-harming, she lied to her friends and the school counselor, telling them all that i was beating her, giving her black eyes.  soc. services was called on me, and hate spewed out of the eyes of her friends if i happened to be around any of them.

when she was 16, the suicidal gestures began, and my hyper-vigilance was thrown into overdrive, never knowing from one day to the next if we'd get 'the call' that she was dead.  in and out of psych wards, she'd been on so many meds from an early age that i was always checking on her every night when she went to bed to make sure she was still breathing.  she was scheming, cunning, extremely intelligent.  and so hateful toward me, i didn't know which way to turn.  of course, hub#2 took no part in this, never stood up to her about her treatment of me, and was told by one couples therapist that the problems between her and me were between her and me.  i had no help, no support, no compassion.  he admitted later that he'd 'checked out' while all this was going on, just going to work, visiting her when she was in the hospital (what a great dad, right?) and becoming involved in stage productions so he was never home at night, either.  of course, when i confronted him on this, elder told me that i'd made him quit the only thing he loved doing, and how horrible i was for that.   his feeble denials did nothing but fuel the double-teaming dynamic.

and there was therapy going on, with a therapist who i now know held men in higher esteem than women, who made me feel worse about myself the longer i was involved with her instead of the other way around.  this was my first venture into therapy, i believed everything she said (i know now i had very little sense of myself, was newly into recovery from alc. and drugs so was extremely vulnerable, and wanted to please.  she took advantage of that.

in those 8 yrs. of being with her, i was her client, trained to lead her therapy groups (tho i was not a therapist at the time) and became her employee at the same time she made me her best friend.  if these 3 levels of involvement weren't enough, she often put me in double-bind situations, expecting me to act 'correctly' on two, sometimes 3 levels at the same time.  for example, i had gone through her group as a client, had had couples and singles sessions with her as my therapist, and, when i showed an interest in doing what she did, she encouraged me to join a training group so that i could become her employee and lead these same groups i had gone thru.  after a few months, she held a training group for other therapists (i still was not one), and invited me to join in as a refresher course kind of thing.  so, i was a student again at the same time she'd ask me to teach these other therapists what it was like to have gone through the groups as a client. 

other times she'd ask me to spy on therapists who were doing her groups, report to her about how they were coming along, snitch on them if they weren't making the grade, so to speak.  at one point on a group getaway, i was not only her roommate, but her confidante as she talked about the issues of other participants, and when it was over, she raked me over the coals in her office for the issues she noticed with me because i didn't participate fully with the others.  too many more examples to list here.

by the time i finally went back to college to actually become a therapist, i started learning what professional ethics and boundaries were all about.   none of what she'd been doing with me fit under ethical practices or professional boundaries, and i began the painful de-tangling of myself from her.  i was involved with her for 8 yrs.  by the time i'd gotten free, i had to get on meds for anxiety and depression.  it took me 8 more yrs. before i could get up the gumption to report her to the state board.

these four people in my adult life, 3 of whom i believe are narcs, and 3 of whom i believe are misogynists are the main people i see as causing my c-ptsd.  i finally was able to go nc w/ my ex and my daughter in jan., 2015, but only after being re-traumatized by them double-teaming me.  i had my 6th breakdown because of it, and almost didn't get up that time.  the anniversary of that nc caused a massive ef that lasted till aug of last year.  the second anniversary is coming up this month.  i believe i'm better prepared for it this time.   

there is so much more of the same that happened in those 20 yrs.  i finally moved away because i knew i was dying, could feel it happening.  they were killing me.  i've lived here for 15 yrs., and more of the same happened w/ ex and elder, only long distance.  so, 35 yrs. of abuse, chronic stress, tension, traumatization - it's no wonder my body has a difficult time functioning anymore.  but, i've survived the madness.  i have the people on this forum to thank for that in large part.  i couldn't be where i am today without you. 

thanks, kizzie.  this is my story if you want it.  i was able to get it out.  now, to relax.
#46
Checking Out / so long
December 17, 2016, 10:36:46 PM
i'm leaving tomorrow for my visit with my daughter, won't be back till after christmas, and don't know when i'll be ready to post again.  in the meantime, happy holidays to all, and to all a good night.
#47
i feel like i'm starting this from the ending and going backward.  that's how my recovery feels.  i'll be 70 next year, and most all i've learned about narc abuse and c-ptsd has begun within the past two years.  this hasn't been a pleasant journey, full of wonderful realizatons and major movements forward to health and healing.  instead, it's been a descent into disappearance with basically my smile remaining to the last.  just like the cheshire cat, my being and my essence are fading away.  the more i've come to know about what's happened to me, what's continued to happen to me, what's going on with me, the sicker i'm become physically.  my mind is full of knowledge while my body is crumbling into nothingness - all the result of layers and years of trauma, abuse, and chronic stress.  this is a cautionary tale - in my deepest soul, i want others to avoid what i'm going through if at all possible.

that's it for now.  this will be in bits and pieces, bactracks and forward movements, all higgledy-piggledy at times.  i will speak of sadness, profound sadness, mainly because there was so much more i wanted to do, but i'm losing the strength and energy to do it.  i will speak of anger, virulent anger at the thought that people took advantage of my good nature when i was loving and trusting toward everyone.  i will speak of not having access to my emotions for most of my life, of brain and body damage that have resulted from abuse.  i will just speak for as long and as often as i am able.  i feel so dramatic writing this, yet it has been the drama and madness that has been my life, that has brought me to this place. 

i have one more physical trip to make, and while i'm determined to make it, i'm terrified that i will be a blubbering mess the entire time.  i'm writing in the hope that i can avoid that.  it's too important to me.
#48
General Discussion / excusing others
December 11, 2016, 11:46:33 PM
as i'm going through the grieving process of letting go of my friend of 20 yrs., i found myself wanting to make excuses for her behavior - again.  she has c-ptsd and lots of issues, and i've excused a lot of what she's said and done in our relationship because i knew she was hurting and in pain.  i started wavering on possibly bringing her back into my life little by little with an attempt to explain why i reacted the way i did (i'm feeling a bit better the past 2 days, a little more energy).

just now, as i'm writing, it struck me that this is exactly what addicts do - they get rid of their drug of choice because it had begun making them feel so badly, then, after a period of time, with some food and rest, they believe they can go back to their drug of choice (in this case, it would be my relationship with her) thinking that this time they can handle it, this time it'll be different, that somehow it won't hurt them the same way this time.

i've excused peoples' behaviors and words toward me with a variety of reasons - their upbringing, how they were taught, they were sick, they didn't know better, they've also been hurt/traumatized - and swallowed their bad behaviors believing that i can take it and show them they are lovable, they're good people, i love/like them in spite of their 'faults' (abuse toward me), that i accept them unconditionally.  all the while, in the back of my mind, i was hoping that they'd 'get it' from my so-called role modeling and i would get the same consideration in return.  that i would be loved and accepted even when i wasn't perfect.

in these relationships, i was always thinking of the best, most loving, caring, kind thing to do or say.  i thought i was setting an example for how i wanted to be treated.  somehow, it never worked.  those people, including this friend, continued with their expectations of me to stay kind and caring no matter what they did.  they didn't change their ways.  it's like the drug.  the drug never changes.  food, exercise, drugs, alcohol, tv - whatever one's drug of choice, including abusive relationships, won't change.  it's a reality that i've known from other addictions.

this relationship lasted 20 yrs.  i drank for 20 yrs., smoked for 20 yrs., overate even longer, and went from one bad relationship to another, several lasting 20 yrs. or more (over 30 yrs. w/ my daughter).  whew, a big sigh just escaped.  i must've hit a truth here.  i got really anxious today because her birthday is coming up, and it was always a big deal for her because it's dec. 24th, and it would always get lost in her family because of christmas.  so, as long as we were together, i tried to make up for all the dismissals of her birthday by making a big deal of it, whether we were together in the same town or across country. 

the idea of wishing her a happy birthday crossed my mind - it's the big 6-0 this year.  i've already told her that i was too sick to get over or discuss this last incident between us, but today, feeling a little bit stronger, i wanted to do something nice for her, dip my toe back into the addiction, so to speak.  because i didn't acknowledge the death of her one-time love from here last week, i can see where i'd be setting myself up for all kinds of abusive mayhem from her.

so, no.  i don't want this kind of person in my life at any price.  she may be going thru *, but so am i, and i didn't see her reaching out a caring hand to me when i wrote her about how i felt about what she'd done.  she DARVO'd me instead (love that acronym).  she's got a lot of issues that i've put up with, cared about, cared for her while she was going thru bad times, always excusing them because of her terrible upbringing, etc., that she'd gone thru.  her response to me showed me that the drug hasn't changed, and i have no obligation to go anywhere near it.  my anxiety is based on guilt of not being a good friend. 

i was a great friend with booze, cigs, food - never let them down, always reached for them in good times and bad.  we'd celebrate together and commiserate together.  but they never changed, and my life was not made better because of them.  i'm now looking at my friend the same way.  my chest is hurting, so i know i'm afraid of this attitude, afraid of standing my ground, afraid of taking care of me first, afraid of hurting her.  i' m very afraid that some relationship police will jump out of the sky and put me on the rack for not taking care of her in her time of need.  it's always been my job before, and i'm scared of quitting it.  still, i know that if i even put a toe back in there, i will be the one to get hurt, no matter how well-meaning, warm, loving, and sincere my intentions.  the drug doesn't change. 

i don't have to make excuses for her behavior anymore.   or anyone's.  abuse is abuse, and i don't have to allow it anymore.  that's the greatest thing about being an adult, to my mind.  i don't have to take it, not from anyone, no matter their circumstances or their past.  i've worked hard to get rid of my abusive behaviors toward others.  they deserve to do their own work as well.  another sigh.  i believe i can now let her be.
#49
General Discussion / adrenal fatigue
November 27, 2016, 12:37:35 PM
i have (finally) been formally diagnosed as having adrenal fatigue, and just started a steroid treatment regimen, along with paleo diet to last a month, then it'll be revisited.  we'll see what happens.  i'm still on antibiotics for a cold that went south cuz my immune system is too weak to fight even that off, and continue to feel crummy and move unnaturally slowly.  i was also up by 3 this morning, something i've read often happens because of adrenal fatigue.

at any rate, he said i showed all the symptoms of having it, listened to my history, and seemed to be quite caring, which is refreshing.  one thing he told me was to find things to do that i enjoyed, and because of feeling sick and the alexithymia thing going on, i seemed rather argumentative, i guess, cuz he kept telling me to listen to music as a relaxation thing, and music doesn't normally do it for me.  i'm much more of a nature-sounds gal.  he didn't get it, kept pushing music on me.

anyway, that's besides the point.  i asked how long before this was going to make me feel better (one shot, and one pill/day for a month), and he said who knows?  maybe tomorrow.  well, i don't feel better even tho i was hoping to.  some disappointment there.  i did think of jigsaw puzzles, and want to get one set up.  i used to love doing those.  he also said sex, which has been out of my life for years due to my husband's fears.  i have a lot of resentment and anger built up around all that which i've never gotten out fully.

o, this is so tangled.  i couldn't think of much that i enjoyed, even tho i really do enjoy a lot of things.  i'm in the midst of knitting a shawl for my daughter, made a god's eye for her household for christmas, love watching silly sitcoms and laughing out loud, love gardening, which we have one started but haven't been well enough to get out there and putter around in it like i'd like to and have had to let others take care of it, but the plants are babies and need watering and i'm afraid that they don't know anything and will muck it up and aaaaargh!  instead of enjoying it, i'm afraid i'll be devastated if i lose it.

plus, this doc doesn't know about my c-ptsd, didn't have time to tell him (maybe next visit in jan.) altho i told him about the alexithymia, but i don't think he really understood it.  geez, does this ever get easy?  the more i know, the more i find out, the more complex it gets.  maybe i'm just overwhelmed right now.  like my favorite line from star wars - there are too many of them!

and, i've pretty much let go of that girlfriend, figured out she DARVO'd (thanks to someone else's post, i read about it and was able to recognize it) me in her email response, so there's another loss about which i'm ambivalent.  i don't know.  i guess i just needed to write this out in a place where i feel cared about and understood. 

so, little by little, as the doc said.   and my husband is still out of work because of his eye, and my money is now beginning to be eaten up, and i was hoping to get the frick out of here and visit my daughter for christmas, spend some money on her and me and just have some fun and laugh at jay and silent bob striking back, big bang theory, and bob's burgers - 3 of our favorites for simple, silly enjoyment.  and have an amer. christmas for a change in the pacific nw, where i've never experienced christmas before.  i'm just afraid (at least that emotion has come roaring back!) that i won't feel good enough to do that.  this has all become daunting, and it's something i've never felt before.  i don't like it.

a side note for anyone interested - the doc said chronic fatigue is often misdiagnosed and is actually adrenal fatigue.  they have many of the same symptoms.  he did ask if my chronic stress lasted 15 yrs. or more - mine is more like 40, unless i throw in all the no-emotions stuff from my parents, in which case it's basically my entire life.  that's a lot of years of being stressed.  i want some energy back so i can at least do some of the things i like besides sitting at the computer.  my butt falls asleep!
#50
here is some information i researched when i was thinking of doing a workshop on understanding where rage comes from.  it helped me understand it, its intricacies, its causes, and its dynamics.

Shame is necessary for conscience, modesty, and morality.  It becomes a problem when it's covered over.

Shame can come from a sense of being weak, inadequate, powerless, helpless, impotent, humiliated, or incompetent

Shame is often masked by  anger, bravado, arrogance, and/or indifference.

Shame can become an obsessive preoccupation with what feels shameful.

In order to be free of shame, it must be expressed and discharged.  It is like a fungus - it can only grow in the dark, but withers and dies when brought into the light.

Anger is brief and instructive and is without shame.

Anger plus shame equals rage.

When anger has its source in feelings of rejection or inadequacy, and when those feelings aren't acknowledged, a continuous spiral of shame/anger may result.  At the end of this spiral is hatred and rage.

Rage is triggered by a perceived insult, and has its roots in feeling ashamed or afraid of being angry.


my ex-hub would go into a rage over things like dropping an ice cube on the floor or playing the wrong card during a game or not bowling a strike.  i didn't understand it at all.  so i began exploring the phenomenon.

i also discovered that there are two kinds of rage - red and black.  his red rage was apparent when he made a mistake of any kind, at home or at work, or even when we were engaged in something that was supposed to be fun  - it didn't matter.  at these times he would yell and throw or kick things.  it scared people.

but his black rage was evident when he thought he was being held to task for something he'd done, or when he thought he was being insulted.  when i'd confront him on something that was too close for his comfort, i saw his eyes go black.  once, not too long ago, we were at an airport on a moving walkway.  i was listening to him, and had my back to where the walkway ended.  it came upon me by surprise, and i stumbled, said to him 'why didn't you tell me we were at the end?'.  immediately, his eyes got black.  i knew what that meant  -  danger  - so i just kept walking, and he didn't say a word about it.  no acknowledgment, no apology.

perceived insults usually happened while he was driving.  if someone passed him on the wrong side, he would speed up and ride the person's bumper, putting all our lives in danger.  once, my daughter told me that he caught up to the driver at a stop sign, jumped out of the car, and stomped off to give the driver a piece of his mind.  the car was filled with four young men who did not look like good-little-boy types, and my daughter sat there quaking in fear.  again, black rage meant danger.

rage is a debilitating emotion, and we have too often had to endure it, and, if we were lucky, survive it.  too many times it served as a pattern to follow, or we were forced into feeling it because of our own situations and circumstances.  i don't know if this will help anyone, but it helped me, made things clearer for me, especially to know that i couldn't fix it for him.

but i was finally able to see it for the abuse it was, even though it was never overtly directed at me during 20 yrs. of marriage.  those warning looks of the black rage were enough.  i didn't realize it at the time, but i was scared of what he might do in those moments, and instinctively backed down.  however, in our household, it became akin to an everyday thing, and we all excused it or just let it go.

i finally did begin demanding that he quit driving and let me drive when he was out of control.  unfortunately, my daughters didn't have that option when he drove them to school or whatnot.  and, when i found out that he was still raging at home or in the car with them when i wasn't around, they begged me not to say anything.   i think now that they may have been scared that they would experience even worse ragings if i said something to him.  delayed realizations, indeed.
#51
Poetry & Creative Writing / storm
November 19, 2016, 03:03:09 PM
this is something i wrote many years ago.  just thought i'd share.

storm

once under the storm
the wheels of fortune cut loose
and bake an overstated
merit award of plunder
while we stock the pot
and light up anew.

heavens above worship our loss
the cocktail time takes hold
of the underbelly of destiny,
and we know there is none.
why wait?  it will only float on
in a margin of hopeless.

notwithstanding in the rains
we pull our hats over our heads
hiding from the streaks of blight
that shatter above.
turning on our appeals,
we understand now
why it took so long.
#52
Friends / dilemma
November 16, 2016, 12:26:46 AM
my best friend of about 20 yrs.  we used to work together, she came to mexico, lived here for 7 yrs., got sick, and had to go back to the states.  she's been back there about 8 yrs., has discovered she also has c-ptsd.

for much of this relationship, i have been there for her, unconditionally.  i'm now seeing everything in a different light, and i'd love feedback, perspective, suggestions, anything that comes to mind.

i've had a very rough year.  i visited her several months ago mainly because of a pre-planned theater date, spent 2 weeks, but was coping with an enormous ef, and didn't go to all the places she wanted me to go.  i knew i'd disappointed her.  we live across country from each other.

she's been wanting to come back here to visit for a long time, and last month she said she was ready to come, spend the holidays here.  because of my living arrangements and my hub's work schedule, it wasn't going to work out for her to stay with us.  i offered to pay for a motel while she was here, gave her an amount that i felt i could afford.  she'd told me to save my money cuz she was coming without very much.   i also told her she could use my car while she was here, but that i wouldn't be able to be her 'playmate' very much because of how sick i've been feeling.

my hub and i hit a rough patch, she knows him, and i confided in her as one best friend to another.  i found out a few days later that she went behind my back and messaged him on fb, saying she was worried cuz of what i'd told her, and was he ok.   by that time, he and i had some great talks and things were better than ever, and he told her that, told her not to worry.

she then told him that because of the way i was and his and my situation, she had told me that she wasn't going to come down after all, that she was working on getting healthy and that it would be too stressful for her to be here.  she told him that she was sad becuz she wanted to see his best friend with whom she has a special relationship.  they had lived together for a spell while she lived here.

when she wrote to me that she wasn't coming down, she said she was both mad and sad.   she left out the 'mad' part when communicating with him.  my hub lets me use his fb page, and i had messaged her 'hey'.  she wrote back 'i love you, but i feel like i've been punched in the stomach.  give me some time, i'll get back to you soon.'

i feel angry, betrayed, and not trusting of her now.  i value friendship a lot, and i can't imagine going behind my friend's back after she'd told me about problems in her relationship to ask her partner (even if he was my brother) if he was ok, that i'd heard about what had happened between them from her.

the other part of this is that she has a ptsd service dog, which is normally allowed on public transportation.  when i mentioned the mex. buses, she said that service dogs are recognized universally.  well, i don't trust mex. much, and asked my hub to find out next time he went to the city where she'd be connecting from the amer. bus to the mex. bus.  they told him absolutely not, unless it was a dog for the blind.

after i'd told her this, she then began thinking of her special friend's kids who come down to visit him over christmas (the town is 125 mi. away - more than a cab drive).  everything w/ his kids had changed this year, partners, friends, no idea what they were going to do or when they'd plan to leave there (it's a border town) to come here, or how long they'd stay.  nothing substantial at all.  and i know that flights have to be booked pretty soon because of the holidays.  essentially, it had turned out that she actually couldn't even get to our town.

so, i'm also ticked off that she's even putting a hint of a whisper of blame on me and my health and the rough patch with my hub that would stress her out for her not coming here when, in actuality, she can't get here, period.  it doesn't matter how i feel becuz she can't frickin' even get here!  he and i have talked about this, he said he thought she'd betrayed me and that it was wrong to include me in her equation for not being able to get here.

so, now i'm sitting with all these emotions, waiting to hear from her (4 days now) and really in a quandary as to whether i should write her and tell her what i think.  this kind of thing has happened before between us, especially when men were involved, but i always swallowed it, allowed it, supported her, and let it lie.  my truth voice doesn't want to ignore this anymore, even if it means losing her as a 'friend'.  my hub said, 'with friends like that, who needs enemies'.  feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, on the horns of a dilemma, in a pickle, and any other euphemism you can think of.    :stars:

since i also have problems w/ knowing my emotions, i'd like to check in on if anyone thinks i'm overreacting or out of line with how i'm feeling.   any thoughts?
#53
New Members / what's in a name? (Part 1)
October 31, 2016, 11:49:00 AM
i've been fascinated by the various names used in this forum, and would love to learn more about them (without revealing personal identification, of course) - just how a name was chosen, its significance for a person, why that particular name.

mine is from my first name, my favorite number (7 - altho it's not necessarily my lucky number, it's just been my favorite as long as i can remember), and that i believe in the magic of life, the universe, and everything.  one of my mantras is 'trust the magic.'

anyone else care to share?
#54
Checking Out / too messed up
October 17, 2016, 07:22:03 PM
i've got to leave.  hope to be back soon.
#55
Inner Child Work / delayed realizations - any opinions?
September 28, 2016, 08:30:18 PM
5 days ago i posted about a trigger for my inner child.  i'm not attempting to bring up anything that has already happened and/or been discussed, but i want to delve into the concept of my inner child further for my own knowledge and understanding.

it wasn't until this morning that i realized exactly why my inner child got triggered that day.  i've been thinking about all this for nearly a week, and it wasn't until today that i finally understood it.  during everything that went on, i found myself doing what i've done for years and years - being stuck, unable to understand or explain exactly why i felt the way i did.  i knew something didn't feel right for me, but i couldn't quite articulate what it was in any coherent fashion, couldn't pinpoint why i was bothered.

hence, i let out bits and pieces as we went along, but i still knew something wasn't quite hitting my inner child's consciousness.  i became extremely uncomfortable along the way, and was greatly relieved when it was ended.  still, the wheels kept churning in my mind.

like i said, it was finally this morning that it all came together for me, and i could consciously understand what went on with me.  this 'fault' of mine, this time lag to understanding, has been with me a long time.  many times during conversations i 'know' or 'feel' something, but, since i can't always explain it at the time, the issue feels unresolved for me.  the conversation continues, but i'm already lost.  it isn't until anywhere from hours to days later that i'm able to put together a cohesive thought and understanding about what i had wanted to explain.  by that time anyone else has already moved on, and i feel not understood once more and frustrated.

i'm wondering if this is a c-ptsd thing?  a brain processing thing?  could it be from fear of speaking my voice?  the idea that a child's comprehension can't keep up with an adult conversation?  something else that i'm not familiar with?  i've had the same problem with emotions, especially anger (altho that's finally getting better), where it isn't until days later that i realize how i really felt about something ( it used to take years - and sometimes that's still the case!).  i know the anger thing was because it wasn't allowed, and i'd repressed all anger for most of my life.

this inner child phenomenon is new for me, its recognition and its meaning.  the time lag to understanding really bothers me - it seemed that everyone else had a handle on what exactly was going on, how they felt about it, and i was both amazed and feeling lost at the same time, even while continuing to post as if i knew what i was doing.  i didn't.  i just knew something had happened re: my inner child, but i couldn't really explain it.  this is continuing to bother me, tho, which is why i decided to write.  i'm hoping someone can shed some light on this for me.  thanks. 
#56
Inner Child Work / i goofed and i'm sorry
September 24, 2016, 08:00:13 PM
it was brought to my attention that i was remiss in using crass words with *** in them.  first, i want to apologize.  i'd seen this used in many posts and thought it was acceptable.  i'm really sorry if i offended anyone or caused anyone pain.  neither was ever my intention.

second, after i read the message i received, my little me wanted to hang her head in shame, feel completely unredeemable, cry, and go hide somewhere until she believed she had felt guilty long enough and badly enough.  what i did, what i've been reading others are doing, was began talking to her from my adult me.  i told her she made a mistake, that's all, that she needed to apologize for her mistake in case she had caused any hurt, and that she was still ok as a person.  i gave her a big hug (used a pillow), and knew i also needed to write about it.  and that's what i'm doing.

that little me was so sensitive to displeasing my dad, she would ache about it for days until there would be some sign from him that everything was again ok.  i want to do for her now what wasn't available to her then.  this, altho it's been discussed a lot, is a relatively new concept for my consciousness to wrap itself around.  i feel like i'm learning something brand new here, not only mentally, but emotionally as well.

so, even though progress is slow at times, it keeps coming at me, when i least expect it.  this was a bonus for me - i don't know that i would've 'gotten' this realization without this happening.  thank you to this forum, the moderators, and everyone here who has enabled me to continue to grow and heal.  and, again, i'm very sorry if my words disturbed anyone - it won't happen again.
#57
General Discussion / musings
September 22, 2016, 10:07:36 PM
am stepping my toe back in after being completely overwhelmed.  too many emotional things were going on at the same time, from 9/11, to the undeniable knowledge of the truth of the u.s. political and world situation,  to my hub's upcoming retinal surgery next week, to my nc narc daughter's birthday tomorrow.  i got lost.

the time away proved helpful in re-defining who i am, who i want to be, as well as what i need to embrace for my life and what i need to eliminate.   my best friend, my husband, and i have all been very politically aware, and i've learned too many things now that i can't cope with on a day-to-day basis anymore.  i had to tell both of them that i would no longer talk about what's happening in the world for the sake of my own health and well-being.  my friend took it quite hard, as she's all alone, and relied on me to be able to explore these things with her.  i hate to disappoint her like this, but it has become too much for me now.

when 9/11 happened, i was newly here in mexico after running away from home, so to speak.  (actually, running for my life).  i have never felt so alone in my life.  i later learned that the borders were closed, and i couldn't have gotten back if i wanted to.  i didn't have the means to return, anyway, but i remember feeling that all i wanted to do was embrace my daughters to protect them from the horrors of the world.  now i realize that i hope they never bring children into this world because it's already too far gone.

because of being so sick, i won't be able to physically be there with my husband when he undergoes his surgery.  it's more than 100 mi. away, it's still too hot, i'm still too sick, and he told me he'd feel better knowing that i was at home with my routine than in another city without transportation or having to stay with his sister, who will be driving him home/here when he's released.  there are too many variables, and the stress of it would be too much for me.  hating to admit it, he's right.  something else i have to accept about who i am right now.

and, my beautiful daughter's birthday tomorrow brings nothing but sadness to my heart.  this will be the second time in her life i won't be wishing her a happy birthday.  i've experienced both the best of her and the worst of her, and the worst has overtaken anything positive that might have been. happy birthday, sweetheart.  *sobbing*.

i am a flower child who belongs in simpler times, and that is part of the reason i have so much difficulty coping with what i now know.  i am an earth mother who wants to cuddle everyone in pain together against my voluminous skirts.   i am complex yet singularly  low-tech.  i want to run, but i know i must stay.  there is still work to do.  thank you for allowing me to be me.
#58
Checking Out / too negative
September 19, 2016, 12:33:26 AM
i'm in such a bad place right now, i feel like i'm just whining and i don't want to dash anyone else's hopes.   i'll be back when i feel better.  i'm just overloaded right now.  love you all.
#59
Frustrated? Set Backs? / sick of being sick
September 15, 2016, 08:29:48 PM
i've gone to a down place in the past few days.  lots of sadness, lots of anger.  i have been rendered fundamentally ill by this crap and it's keeping me from doing what i want to do, causing me to fear doing what i've done in the past without hesitation.  i've been crying as well as pounding my bed, both emotions which, while good to get out of me, are stressful to the point that i begin to feel sick.

i'm better than i was 10 yrs. ago, and of that i'm glad.   i can usually do the weekly shopping now, which was extremely iffy in the past.  at one point i was diagnosed with bpd with major depression and would hallucinate from time to time, so all kinds of meds went along with that.  i've managed to get off those, use vitamin therapy instead, which has helped keep the depression at bay (altho i worked my butt off to get rid of it in the first place).  i was also on allergy meds for about 5 yrs. which helped keep my body's tendency to produce inflammation at the slightest sign of stress under better control (for several years, i was being treated for chronic throat infections, but it seems that the docs would look there, see all the inflammation, and put me on antibiotics.  half of them don't work on me anymore.   or, pain in various joints sent me running to the doc - more inflammation - with weird results.  once my kneecap suddenly became inflamed, seemed to be floating, i couldn't walk, went for x-rays, and within a half hour, everything was fine.  i didn't realize that i'd been taking nsaids for the past 40 yrs. to make me feel better when i began feeling 'sick', and it was because of their anti-inflammatory agents that they did the trick.   my system's inflammatory response has been out of whack for so many years, i don't know that it will ever be normal again.  during stressful times, i feel like i'm getting the flu, but there is nothing wrong with me, per se.  it's just excess inflammation in my sinuses, throat, throughout my body.  i call it feeling 'stress sick'.  i know exactly what it is, and i hate it.  i've been to docs most of my life asking about this, nothing.

i also believe my adrenal glands have been exhausted from living with 'fight or flight' responses all those years with my daughter and her mental illnesses, as well as her npd (and my ex-hub's as well - battling both of them at the same time).  those hormones have been used up, i become exhausted easily from things like concentrating or focusing (which makes even going to see my t extremely stressful, or driving to the store, or seeing the doc every month for my glaucoma meds).  when i have to leave the house to do some errand, i prepare myself by resting for a day or two beforehand, if possible.  i love playing goofy computer games, but have recently stopped those parts that require thinking too hard.  everything is stressful, even so-called fun things.

i'm nearly house-bound now because of this.  my hub, the dearest, sweetest man who has saved my life, has to have retinal surgery in 10 days.  because this takes place in another city, (we live in a very small mexican town.  no hospital or specialists here.  125 mi. by bus to get to med. facilities, so even that drive is stressful for me) we've decided, much as i want to be there with him going thru this, it's gonna be better for me to stay home.  he says he'll feel better knowing that i won't be in a strange city, away from my creature comforts (mostly my computer) and my routine and familiar surroundings.  i burst into tears cuz i know he's right (his sister is going to be able to drive him home when he gets released.  that's the other part, he doesn't know if they'll let him go the same day or keep him for a few.).  besides, my ibs acts up as well, and bathroom facilities are not always available.

i feel like such a f***ing mess, still!!!  the last two times i traveled to visit my dear friend, and my daughter - gone a total of 3 weeks each time, and several months apart - it didn't take more than 2 weeks when i developed bronchitis, both times.  my immune system is also on the fritz, and is turning on me  now with skin stuff (psoriasis, and other skin things that are beginning to mar my face).  this last is the cherry on this particular cake.  it is taking me down in no uncertain terms.  i've got topical stuff that i use, but i know it's not going away, and i know what's causing it, and i can't get out from under this.

i use emdr techniques on myself to hopefully promote healing, and i'll keep that up.  since this major ef in jan., things have gotten much worse for me.  my funerals have helped to a degree.  i do massage, especially pressure point, to help release toxins and stored emotions, and i can barely walk for several days after.  i know it's good for me but the stress my body goes thru knocks my legs out from under me.  and, with all the good i know it's doing for me, i feel miserable afterwards.  i can't do things like tai chi (my energy is in opposition to that - i've tried several variations, all no good), and meditation or yoga have never relaxed me.  i live a fairly uneventful life now, wonderful, loving, caring people in my life, nc with everyone who has hurt me.  but i am scared that i'll never see my daughter again because i'm becoming afraid to travel.  my hub has wanted her to come visit me for years already, because he knows the stress i go thru, but i also want to go to the states at least once a year, just for the atmosphere, the food, and to be with my daughter in her space. 

i'm just feeling overwhelmed right now, needed a place to put this.  i'm so sad, so mad.  i wake up from my nap and start bashing pillows, cussing away.  crying at the drop of a hat.  my sensitivity for myself and others is on high alert.  i was watching america's got talent last night, a little 12-yr. old girl won, she was overwhelmed with emotion to the point of being distressed, and no one from her family came on stage to help her, comfort her, soothe her.  i hated that.  everyone else kept up their patter (the show must go on) and she was on her own.  it broke my heart, and i'm crying for her.  i'm crying more than usual lately - my funerals were helping with that. 

i may have gotten triggered by the 9/11 anniversary.  i was here in mexico less than a month, saw what happened on a tv, was all alone, only thought of scooping my daughters in close to protect them, but had no way to get to them.  my car wouldn't make the trip, didn't have enough money, knew no one here who could help me with this and my feelings,  and didn't even know that i couldn't have gotten to them if i wanted to cuz the border was closed.  i had no one here, have never felt so alone in all my life.  another friggin' traumatic experience!

my energy level is low on the best of days.  small amounts of exercise are all i can take, or it's too stressful.  i walk around my house for 15 to 30 min. when i feel up to it, about 3-4  times a week.  i lift light weights once, maybe twice a week.  more than that, i'm stressed, and i feel sick.  i feel sick more than i feel well, and i'm f***ing sick of it!  just ranting.
#60
while reading a mystery, one of the lead characters went through an emotional and physical battle with several attackers.   after she was safe, she joked around for a bit, acted as if nothing had happened out of the ordinary.  when a policewoman arrived to stay with her for the night, she burst into tears.  the main character observed that those tears were the beginning of the healing from her combat trauma.

when i read the term 'combat trauma', time stood still for a few beats as my mind clicked back over my life.  i burst into tears myself.   as i thought about what this meant, i realized that i can describe what happened in my life as psychological combat trauma (and i mean no disrespect nor lessening of those who have been in actual physical combat).  i can't guess at how many times i've thought to myself, said to my t, my hub, friends, everyone that i feel like i have been battling for me, to be me, to actuate the essence of me all my life!

it's been one battle after another on so many different levels with so many different people just to be me without being ridiculed, judged, put down, contradicted, shushed, denied, and on and on.  it's only been in the past few months, actually, that i feel the battling may be over, at least for the most part.  just before those few months i had it out with my best friend about being my friend without judgment (it ended well) and my husband has gone into therapy to deal with his issues in our relationship.

to put a name to these monsters is always enormous for me.  it is also freeing, and the tears are cleansing.   psychological combat trauma fits so well for me as it encompasses that decades-long exertion and expenditure of energy battling to be who i am and have my nearest and dearest be ok with that.  i don't know if this is an ending to something, or a beginning, but i do know it helped me pass to a different state of feeling and being.   still a little shaky, don't know where this might go, so there's an element of the unknown lurking.  a tad bit discomfiting, little scary.  but i can feel all of you, and that is a feeling of safety no matter what else.  just wanted to share.