i decided to write this stuff down anew. new decade, new therapy, new thoughts and feelings. clean start and all that.
therapy has stirred the pot in ways i've never experienced before. the first session, i felt relief, felt like someone was going to take care of me. that thought has rolled around my head since. i'm a grown woman, why would i feel so strongly about someone taking care of me?
just this moment (which is why i need to write this stuff down), i'm seeing that need as coming from my little me. she's popping up like never before. it's not like i haven't taken care of me nearly all my life - i was trained well to ignore, deny, and bury myself so completely that there was an entity in my body with a wonderful brain who took care of business all the time - for myself and others.
but after my second session, i left feeling uneasy, like i'd done therapy wrong. i know, logically, that can't be possible, but it was something she said that triggered that feeling. that session was last thurs. i've been nuttering on it since. i didn't understand the feeling at first - it took till the next day to pinpoint (ooooh, here comes a little anger. at her? cuz she doesn't know everything? possible)
by fri., i was seeing myself as very needy, seeing her as a savior. sun. morning, the idea of being taken care of was so strong, and i knew it was my little me in full force. very new feeling. she's only 5 or 6. memories began surfacing, things i'd already remembered in the past, but now i saw myself and how i was reacting to the experience at that time. very new as well.
the trigger was when i was in the office and she asked me what healing looked like to me. i immediately, without thought, pulled my shawl very tightly around me and began crying, saying i didn't know, that for all i've done to heal, i've gotten worse instead of better, and began talking about some of the narc abuse i experienced from my ex and older d. it just spilled out.
she listened, then noted to me what had happened, what i'd done. that's when she told me that i knew enough, had enough info, and i needed to just heal. to me, that meant going into a sort of induced isolation from everyone else's stories and from the madness in the news. i needed to put the focus solely on me for right now. it was like she gave me permission to be completely self-concerned, a foreign concept.
she also said (what i heard) that from now on the logical part of my brain was to be telling the back part of my brain (emotional/visceral) what to do. when she said that, i was triggered. i didn't say anything cuz i didn't really know what was going on with me. as noted, it took 3 days to figure it out.
the concept of amygdala hijacking came to mind during that time. i'm not sure she's aware of it. i looked it up yesterday to refresh my memory, make sure i had it right (i was doubting myself). i'll have to talk to her about it because what i read is that when a message comes thru to the brain that feels dangerous (from past experience) our survival mechanism kicks in and the logical part of our brain is bypassed, which is why we have an unruly emotional response to something that wouldn't otherwise be seen as dangerous/life-threatening.
what popped for me was the idea that i had done something wrong, incorrectly by talking about having an ef, reacting to something in a way that was out of my control. a. h. at its best/worst. when she said that the front of our brain tells the back part of our brains what to do, it was as if she was telling me i did it wrong by not controlling my response.
going back to my childhood, doing something wrong, especially displeasing my father, was the worst feeling in the world for me. his displeasure, his disappointment stirred up a fear that he would no longer love me and that i would be sent away from the person i most wanted to be near. a real threat of that came in my teens, but for some reason, even as a child, i believed that would happen. it was the worst feeling, the scariest feeling.
well, looking at it now, of course it would be. that would be an abandonment feeling, and abandonment meant i would die. so, to perceive that i was told i was doing this wrong by having such a visceral rather than logical reaction sent me sailing back to the body and mind of that little girl who was so afraid that if she did something wrong, she would be left out in the cold like the little match girl (no wonder that story hit me so profoundly! i saw myself as her, dying in the cold).
this throwback to my childhood in this way has never come up before. i can see and feel that little girl, and i was her in that office last week, pulling my shawl around me (omg, this is just pouring out of me right this minute), telling my t how cold i was, feeling my body shivering beneath my skin. i'd never felt cold like that before. it was totally different from any cold i'd ever experienced. whoo, boy, these pieces are real and falling into place like never before.
big, deep breath. i want to write this down because i want to be able to explain this to her. massive breakthrough, very disturbing, the depth of this. this helped clarify for me what i'm dealing with. i'm feeling very somber. no celebration here, no distress, per se. profound.
therapy has stirred the pot in ways i've never experienced before. the first session, i felt relief, felt like someone was going to take care of me. that thought has rolled around my head since. i'm a grown woman, why would i feel so strongly about someone taking care of me?
just this moment (which is why i need to write this stuff down), i'm seeing that need as coming from my little me. she's popping up like never before. it's not like i haven't taken care of me nearly all my life - i was trained well to ignore, deny, and bury myself so completely that there was an entity in my body with a wonderful brain who took care of business all the time - for myself and others.
but after my second session, i left feeling uneasy, like i'd done therapy wrong. i know, logically, that can't be possible, but it was something she said that triggered that feeling. that session was last thurs. i've been nuttering on it since. i didn't understand the feeling at first - it took till the next day to pinpoint (ooooh, here comes a little anger. at her? cuz she doesn't know everything? possible)
by fri., i was seeing myself as very needy, seeing her as a savior. sun. morning, the idea of being taken care of was so strong, and i knew it was my little me in full force. very new feeling. she's only 5 or 6. memories began surfacing, things i'd already remembered in the past, but now i saw myself and how i was reacting to the experience at that time. very new as well.
the trigger was when i was in the office and she asked me what healing looked like to me. i immediately, without thought, pulled my shawl very tightly around me and began crying, saying i didn't know, that for all i've done to heal, i've gotten worse instead of better, and began talking about some of the narc abuse i experienced from my ex and older d. it just spilled out.
she listened, then noted to me what had happened, what i'd done. that's when she told me that i knew enough, had enough info, and i needed to just heal. to me, that meant going into a sort of induced isolation from everyone else's stories and from the madness in the news. i needed to put the focus solely on me for right now. it was like she gave me permission to be completely self-concerned, a foreign concept.
she also said (what i heard) that from now on the logical part of my brain was to be telling the back part of my brain (emotional/visceral) what to do. when she said that, i was triggered. i didn't say anything cuz i didn't really know what was going on with me. as noted, it took 3 days to figure it out.
the concept of amygdala hijacking came to mind during that time. i'm not sure she's aware of it. i looked it up yesterday to refresh my memory, make sure i had it right (i was doubting myself). i'll have to talk to her about it because what i read is that when a message comes thru to the brain that feels dangerous (from past experience) our survival mechanism kicks in and the logical part of our brain is bypassed, which is why we have an unruly emotional response to something that wouldn't otherwise be seen as dangerous/life-threatening.
what popped for me was the idea that i had done something wrong, incorrectly by talking about having an ef, reacting to something in a way that was out of my control. a. h. at its best/worst. when she said that the front of our brain tells the back part of our brains what to do, it was as if she was telling me i did it wrong by not controlling my response.
going back to my childhood, doing something wrong, especially displeasing my father, was the worst feeling in the world for me. his displeasure, his disappointment stirred up a fear that he would no longer love me and that i would be sent away from the person i most wanted to be near. a real threat of that came in my teens, but for some reason, even as a child, i believed that would happen. it was the worst feeling, the scariest feeling.
well, looking at it now, of course it would be. that would be an abandonment feeling, and abandonment meant i would die. so, to perceive that i was told i was doing this wrong by having such a visceral rather than logical reaction sent me sailing back to the body and mind of that little girl who was so afraid that if she did something wrong, she would be left out in the cold like the little match girl (no wonder that story hit me so profoundly! i saw myself as her, dying in the cold).
this throwback to my childhood in this way has never come up before. i can see and feel that little girl, and i was her in that office last week, pulling my shawl around me (omg, this is just pouring out of me right this minute), telling my t how cold i was, feeling my body shivering beneath my skin. i'd never felt cold like that before. it was totally different from any cold i'd ever experienced. whoo, boy, these pieces are real and falling into place like never before.
big, deep breath. i want to write this down because i want to be able to explain this to her. massive breakthrough, very disturbing, the depth of this. this helped clarify for me what i'm dealing with. i'm feeling very somber. no celebration here, no distress, per se. profound.