while reading a mystery, one of the lead characters went through an emotional and physical battle with several attackers. after she was safe, she joked around for a bit, acted as if nothing had happened out of the ordinary. when a policewoman arrived to stay with her for the night, she burst into tears. the main character observed that those tears were the beginning of the healing from her combat trauma.
when i read the term 'combat trauma', time stood still for a few beats as my mind clicked back over my life. i burst into tears myself. as i thought about what this meant, i realized that i can describe what happened in my life as psychological combat trauma (and i mean no disrespect nor lessening of those who have been in actual physical combat). i can't guess at how many times i've thought to myself, said to my t, my hub, friends, everyone that i feel like i have been battling for me, to be me, to actuate the essence of me all my life!
it's been one battle after another on so many different levels with so many different people just to be me without being ridiculed, judged, put down, contradicted, shushed, denied, and on and on. it's only been in the past few months, actually, that i feel the battling may be over, at least for the most part. just before those few months i had it out with my best friend about being my friend without judgment (it ended well) and my husband has gone into therapy to deal with his issues in our relationship.
to put a name to these monsters is always enormous for me. it is also freeing, and the tears are cleansing. psychological combat trauma fits so well for me as it encompasses that decades-long exertion and expenditure of energy battling to be who i am and have my nearest and dearest be ok with that. i don't know if this is an ending to something, or a beginning, but i do know it helped me pass to a different state of feeling and being. still a little shaky, don't know where this might go, so there's an element of the unknown lurking. a tad bit discomfiting, little scary. but i can feel all of you, and that is a feeling of safety no matter what else. just wanted to share.
when i read the term 'combat trauma', time stood still for a few beats as my mind clicked back over my life. i burst into tears myself. as i thought about what this meant, i realized that i can describe what happened in my life as psychological combat trauma (and i mean no disrespect nor lessening of those who have been in actual physical combat). i can't guess at how many times i've thought to myself, said to my t, my hub, friends, everyone that i feel like i have been battling for me, to be me, to actuate the essence of me all my life!
it's been one battle after another on so many different levels with so many different people just to be me without being ridiculed, judged, put down, contradicted, shushed, denied, and on and on. it's only been in the past few months, actually, that i feel the battling may be over, at least for the most part. just before those few months i had it out with my best friend about being my friend without judgment (it ended well) and my husband has gone into therapy to deal with his issues in our relationship.
to put a name to these monsters is always enormous for me. it is also freeing, and the tears are cleansing. psychological combat trauma fits so well for me as it encompasses that decades-long exertion and expenditure of energy battling to be who i am and have my nearest and dearest be ok with that. i don't know if this is an ending to something, or a beginning, but i do know it helped me pass to a different state of feeling and being. still a little shaky, don't know where this might go, so there's an element of the unknown lurking. a tad bit discomfiting, little scary. but i can feel all of you, and that is a feeling of safety no matter what else. just wanted to share.