as i've been tackling some of my bigger issues, this inability to 'feel' the love of my husband, my friends, the caring that is coming through these posts and responses has been raising its ugly head, shouting for attention. at last, it has shouted loudly enough, and i'm willing to acknowledge it on a conscious level.
i am able to feel for others, adrift in tears of sadness or happiness when something happens to someone else, but i drown in my tears when someone says or does something positive for me, and mentally i seem to acknowledge it on a surface level, but i can't really feel it inside me. this was something i began exploring with my t at the beginning of summer, but couldn't continue because of the heat - i live in a desert town in mexico, the a/c in the building in which she works is inadequate, and i had to leave my last appt. 20 min. early because of heat exhausion. i won't be able to return until it begins cooling down, possible a good 6-8 wks. yet.
in the meantime, i've been on my own delving into my issues, with the help of everyone on this forum. and, to tell you the truth, people here have been more helpful for a lot of my stuff than my t - she's young, green, and doesn't know much about trauma, nothing about c-ptsd. so, this place has been a godsend.
i read in a novel about how someone was able to fall asleep feeling the love of his spouse. my husband has shown me over and over how much he loves me, and i feel love and gratitude for him, but i can't feel his love. i can't feel the love of my two best friends, who know all about this and are struggling with c-ptsd as well. it's as if a switch was turned off long ago, because of the belief of not deserving love, not worthy of it, because i'm not perfect. but, even when i got straight a's in 5th grade, and expected fireworks at least because i finally achieved scholastic perfection, i barely got a nod of acknowledgment.
i remember, when i was active in church, every time i began singing a hymn that talked about god/jesus loving me, i'd begin crying and couldn't continue singing. earlier this year, my girlfriend told me i was always welcome at her house no matter how 'messy' i was, i burst out in sobs.
i want to feel such caring kindness with a smile, an inner warmth, hugging it to myself instead of mentally batting it away. i know i'm going to have to do a funeral for this, but i'm not quite sure what i need to lay to rest. this will take some thinking, but this is the first time i'm writing about it. i'm getting around to feeling my legitimate anger and sadness, not covering one up with the other, but even those can still take a day or two to realize.
i know that i've surrounded myself with major defenses to keep feelings, both my own and for others, at a distance. for most of my life, i couldn't identify how i felt about anything. i know where it comes from, but i'm ready to break it apart. it seems that i've been, could it be? dissociated from myself? this just popped into my mind as i've been writing. i don't know, it's never been addressed with me in all my years of therapy. i've never been told that i've been traumatized, for that matter. so, i'm looking for some direction, opinions, thoughts. does this sound familiar to anyone else? could this really be a type of dissociation, a numbing dynamic, or just that i've barricaded myself against emotions. i'm stuck.
well, this turned out to be more than not just 'feeling' the good stuff.
i am able to feel for others, adrift in tears of sadness or happiness when something happens to someone else, but i drown in my tears when someone says or does something positive for me, and mentally i seem to acknowledge it on a surface level, but i can't really feel it inside me. this was something i began exploring with my t at the beginning of summer, but couldn't continue because of the heat - i live in a desert town in mexico, the a/c in the building in which she works is inadequate, and i had to leave my last appt. 20 min. early because of heat exhausion. i won't be able to return until it begins cooling down, possible a good 6-8 wks. yet.
in the meantime, i've been on my own delving into my issues, with the help of everyone on this forum. and, to tell you the truth, people here have been more helpful for a lot of my stuff than my t - she's young, green, and doesn't know much about trauma, nothing about c-ptsd. so, this place has been a godsend.
i read in a novel about how someone was able to fall asleep feeling the love of his spouse. my husband has shown me over and over how much he loves me, and i feel love and gratitude for him, but i can't feel his love. i can't feel the love of my two best friends, who know all about this and are struggling with c-ptsd as well. it's as if a switch was turned off long ago, because of the belief of not deserving love, not worthy of it, because i'm not perfect. but, even when i got straight a's in 5th grade, and expected fireworks at least because i finally achieved scholastic perfection, i barely got a nod of acknowledgment.
i remember, when i was active in church, every time i began singing a hymn that talked about god/jesus loving me, i'd begin crying and couldn't continue singing. earlier this year, my girlfriend told me i was always welcome at her house no matter how 'messy' i was, i burst out in sobs.
i want to feel such caring kindness with a smile, an inner warmth, hugging it to myself instead of mentally batting it away. i know i'm going to have to do a funeral for this, but i'm not quite sure what i need to lay to rest. this will take some thinking, but this is the first time i'm writing about it. i'm getting around to feeling my legitimate anger and sadness, not covering one up with the other, but even those can still take a day or two to realize.
i know that i've surrounded myself with major defenses to keep feelings, both my own and for others, at a distance. for most of my life, i couldn't identify how i felt about anything. i know where it comes from, but i'm ready to break it apart. it seems that i've been, could it be? dissociated from myself? this just popped into my mind as i've been writing. i don't know, it's never been addressed with me in all my years of therapy. i've never been told that i've been traumatized, for that matter. so, i'm looking for some direction, opinions, thoughts. does this sound familiar to anyone else? could this really be a type of dissociation, a numbing dynamic, or just that i've barricaded myself against emotions. i'm stuck.
well, this turned out to be more than not just 'feeling' the good stuff.