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Recovery Journals / Re: no returns

« on: June 01, 2023, 02:48:21 PM »

thanks, armee.  it has been stressful, but i accomplished my major aim, which was to get him to stop contacting my D.  i believed if he had access to me, he'd leave her alone.  i'll deal w/ the fallout from it, whatever it might be.  he and i have a complicated history since the 60's.  it'll work out for the best in the end, tho.  i'm quite sure about that.

 did some work last week on the sex addiction issue w/ my ex.  very difficult, lots of sets, but i think it's made an impact.  last nite we watched some outtakes from Big Bang Theory and one of them was about the scene that sent me out of the room the week before.  i just panicked, closed my eyes, stated yelling 'no, no, no' to my D, and made gibberish noises so i couldn't hear anything. 

it was a reflex reaction, but all the while i was thinking 'i could deal with this now'.  in someone else's journal there was a bit of a discussion about how we can sometimes think 'i've got this now' or 'i don't think i need therapy anymore'.  i believe my reaction and my thoughts were so far away from each other, it gives me pause as i write about it now.  how those 2 polar opposites made themselves known at the very same time, one making a lie out of the other.

at times, this stuff is fascinating even while it's awful.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

« on: June 01, 2023, 02:12:05 PM »

hey, PC,

the tall poppy syndrome.  interesting.  i can see that in my own life, especially pertaining to my spirit.  too spirited was i, let's always repress her back into our way of seeing the world, and how we believe she should think, act, and behave.  ugly stuff, and, yes, very stunting.  no wonder my longing to be free is so overwhelming.  thanks for this, PC.  it brought up stuff i didn't even realize.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2022

« on: June 01, 2023, 02:06:19 PM »

that sounds like a break you've needed, notalone, to not be overwhelmed.  glad you've got this time.

i smiled wryly at your 'wedding champagne' glass story, mostly because i can't tell you how many times those same types of words have crossed my mind at a cavalier attitude about a relationship.  i think it tells a lot from both sides.  his nonchalance about something you valued highly.  quite a separation there.  sending love and a hug full of support 

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Recovery Journals / Re: Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

« on: June 01, 2023, 02:01:30 PM »

bach, this concept of tuning in to your body struck 2 chords w/ me - 1: i'm always knowing what my body is saying/doing and 2: i've not been aware very much in my life of the same thing.  quite a contradiction, but interesting to me since you brought it up.  thanks - another something to ponder.  i'm glad you're getting to know yours, tho.  i think it's a good thing.  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journey 23

« on: June 01, 2023, 01:52:17 PM »

rainy, so glad to hear you feel good in your new home and that the move is over. 

hang tough, 2 weeks to go at work.  best to you w/ the meeting - i hope it goes smoothly.

and *ugh* about that colleague.  i wish she'd leave you alone.  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: Eerie Anne's Journal

« on: May 30, 2023, 02:55:42 PM »

sounds like a terrible situation to be in, EA.  sorry you're having to go thru all this.  and i get the part where it's difficult to answer a question quickly - i need time to process what was said, asked of me, and what my response is.  all very messy.  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

« on: May 30, 2023, 02:48:28 PM »

PC, it's not just a guy thing.  i can feel in the throes of a panic attack one day and the next day i'm ok, like i figured it out and it went away.  this is trauma we're talking about, and i don't think gender issues are involved.  i get stuck in overthinking, too.  like you said, that pendulum keeps swinging.  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter

« on: May 29, 2023, 07:13:40 PM »

wow, that's quite a huge insight from the officer, armee.  very validating.  it opens another door, tho, as well, re: your mother.  that might've been painful to hear.  this whole trip about getting into the reality of our lives, sometimes i don't know how much i like it.  still, i guess it's work that needs to be done.  we've got to dig to the bottom of the pile before we can get all the crapola out.  sending love and a hug filled w/ support 

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Recovery Journals / Re: no returns

« on: May 29, 2023, 05:45:23 PM »

bach, i'll take both gladly!  thank you so. 

hey, natureluvr, yes, D is for daughter.  i live w/ her.  she is one of the reasons i'm able to make any progress at all w/ healing. crying often brings relief to me, too, or at least releases toxins that have built up over a long-ago trauma.  i have a hard time reaching that point, however, so i was glad to be able to do it that evening.  thank you for the support.

armee, thanks so much for that big hug.  i can feel its warmth and caring. 

i'm stuck.  something new is going on in my life, but i don't know how to explain it.  it's about an old flame.  i'm afraid it will be messy, but i needed to get him access to me so he'd leave my D alone.  i'll deal w/ it, whatever happens.  it just felt like the right thing to do, but my D and i got into a fight about it.  i can hear me and the red flags that have already gone up.  the past 3 days, however, this has been a great distraction from all the trauma stuff that usually invades my privacy.  we'll see.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Dragon Dancer - One day at a time, a healing journal

« on: May 29, 2023, 05:34:29 PM »

DD, that NO is a very powerful protector, and is very different from the little 'no, i don't want to' that too many of us have tried and found it to not be strong enough.  i'm glad you found it for yourself.

my favorite book from childhood is 'alice in wonderland'.  she was spunky, spirited, and able to say 'NO'.  she always lifted my spirits.  may i add her to your book selection?  i can read it also, if you'd like.  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

« on: May 29, 2023, 05:25:38 PM »

i've done that too many times, bach.  sometimes it's felt worth it to rewrite, other times not so much.  i like the idea of needing to get it out of you at least.  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2022

« on: May 29, 2023, 05:23:24 PM »

yeah, the mere presence of someone like that  . . .  conversation isn't needed to make your space feel uncomfortable.  i give you a lot of credit, notalone, because you are continuing to move forward w/ the work tasks, stopping when you need to, starting up again later all in the midst of your overwhelming circumstances.  hang tough, ok?  hangin' right beside you.

i, too, loved the flower imagery.  gardening is one of my favorite things.  very grounding.  i'm so glad for you that you took the time and energy to plant.  i always think nature is food for the soul in its own special way.  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sage's Journal

« on: May 29, 2023, 05:15:12 PM »

CF, my heart is so w/ you on that whole disability thing.  my D was also denied twice, and is now waiting for a hearing which won't be till next year.  another bureaucratic institution which doesn't recognize the crippling effects of trauma.  it is beyond frustrating and so threatening financially.  know you're not alone w/ this, if that's any help. 

so glad you got that indian food.  sounds delish!  love and hugs

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Recovery Journals / Re: no returns

« on: May 28, 2023, 05:07:30 PM »

i became so sick-feeling 2 days ago from holding all the stress of this financial business that i could barely move myself around the house.  felt awful, miserable.  finally, the other night my D told me that her client/friend was going to come thru and we'd be ok and i burst into sobs, sobbed for about 10 min.  afterwards, i could physically feel the release of all that stress and i began feeling better.  yesterday i returned to regular, was able to go delivering w/ my D as if nothing had happened.  amazing.

someone mentioned about the body keeping the score.  this was clear proof to me it does indeed.  day and night in a matter of a few minutes.  so, now, onward.

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Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

« on: May 28, 2023, 05:01:15 PM »

i'm glad you're finding ways to let your body talk to you, PC.  so important.  the body does hold the score, and lets us know exactly how much we've been abused, stressed, and disturbed.  listening to it can only be helpful, to my mind.  you're making some wonderful progress in tackling this beast.  keep up the good work!   love and hugs