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Messages - sanmagic7

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Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« on: March 19, 2023, 05:10:18 PM »
armee, thank you for sharing what you're going thru.  i agree w/ the amount of courage you have, your determination to keep going even tho it brings up these doubts.  i do know those symptoms you've been battling for so long have an origin.  your progress in healing your traumas is showing you, not only by seeing all these parts now and allowing you to present them to others, but also what a toll your situation has taken on your mind.

i agree w/ your T, that all of this has been part of a protective shield for you.  it seems you are finally at a point of strength where you're able to begin acknowledging these protective parts who have taken care of you for so long.  and, may i reiterate, i know it was real, i completely believe you went thru that horrific experience and survived it, and i know you are not crazy.  crazy people live in an alternative reality, which is not what you do.  the reality of what happened to you has taken its toll - what you're doing now is fighting your way to conquering and overcoming that reality.

one of the reasons i'm so sure about this is that you've now reached a point, after continuing to chip away at this, where your mind is able to function more normally by having the ability once again to imagine, to see images, something that was taken from you by force.  armee, i'm overcome w/ emotion at seeing this.  always on your side and sitting w/ you.  much love, and a hug filled w/ continuing brain bloom :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Of course it's worth it!
« on: March 19, 2023, 03:58:58 PM »
hey, blueberry, i echo the idea that you've done a huge thing in moving.  my D and i have been where we are for nearly 2 yrs., and we still haven't unpacked everything - trauma, stress, fatigue, lack of energy have all gotten in the way of that.  do what you can when you are able - it's enough.  i agree to be kind to yourself, gentle. 

and tackling eating issues is also huge.  listening to your body is a big deal, one we've often not been allowed.  it takes practice and time.  you deserve a break.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: no returns
« on: March 17, 2023, 02:59:12 PM »
this is the first day i've been able to come here because of the 'privacy error' message i was receiving.

armee, thank you for that hug.  wonderful. :hug:

bach, loved that big hug.  thanks :hug:

CF, thank you for your kind words and well wishes.  those pos. emotions, yeah, they're kind of difficult to feel as well.  *sigh*  little by little, right? :hug:

we still don't know if we'll be allowed to stay in our apt., so that's continuing to bang on my mind.  i'm still having occasional anxiety attacks before bed, am always anxious once my D leaves the room.  it's got to be a trigger about something, but i'm not sure what.  abandonment?  being alone? not knowing how to be on my own?  i've got a pretty strict ritual once i come into my room so that i can settle and eventually, w/ the help of meds, fall asleep.  but i'm scared of lying in bed w/o falling asleep right away cuz of those ugly thoughts and rememberances that will grab me and not let me go.

i think the ritual is one way of feeling some kind of control, or i'd float out the window.  i still have so little sense of me, i think.  i've got therapy in a few, i'm sure i'll talk to her about it.

Recovery Journals / Re: no returns
« on: March 11, 2023, 06:29:20 AM »
armee and PC, i can't address this.  this is my third attempt.  thank you both for giving me these gifts.   :hug: :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark
« on: March 11, 2023, 06:28:03 AM »
bach, i first want to echo the sentiments of the others in saying to little bach, thank you for helping in the kitchen.  you did such a careful job and i appreciate you so much.  i'm sad your mother did not give that to you.

secondly, getting triggered like that, from out of nowhere, can really shake us.  and trying to explain it to someone who doesn't know trauma firsthand can be very frustrating.  i hope he remembers and doesn't do that to you again.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journey 23
« on: March 11, 2023, 06:21:04 AM »
i'm with you on the time change, rainy.  it knocks my socks of for several days.  it's not so bad in the fall, for whatever reason.  here's to getting thru it as best we can.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: no returns
« on: March 10, 2023, 04:10:29 PM »
PC, thanks for your response.  i know fear is also a signal that there's danger, which is why we take on one of the 4 F's, to keep ourselves as safe as possible.  the idea that i feel like i'm in danger now is awful, especially since i wouldn't let it come up to warn me in the past.  one thing about now is i think i feel safe enough w/ my D and lack of N's in my life to feel this emotion.  still, it sucks! :hug:

armee, you always say the most amazing things!  thank you so for your kind and generous words.  actually, when i read what you wrote the first half dozen times, i couldn't let them in.  they're so heartfelt, i could feel your sincerity, but could not take it in - still not used to feeling it from others.  my timing has been off for so long, i guess this time what you said truly hit me.   :hug:

bach, i so appreciated that love.  this, too, i was able to feel, but only after several times of seeing it.  i've blocked that part of me as well, and i think it's only beginning to thaw.  thank you for writing this.  it's wonderful, :hug:

rainy, thank you, i hope so, too.  i hope so for you as well. :hug:

reading what i've just read in response to everyone, this is part of not being able to feel my emotions - i haven't been able to feel the good ones, either.  like i've been living in a vacuum.  it's nice to be able to give a reality (or at least start to) to such wonderful sentiments expressed to and about me.  it's a little scary, actually.

Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journey 23
« on: March 10, 2023, 03:58:07 PM »
all that instability IS tiring, rainy.  it sucks at us, drains us of energy, and makes our brains work harder.  i hope you can get some relaxation this weekend.  sending love and a hug full of energizer to take on next week. :hug:

Recovery Journals / no returns
« on: March 09, 2023, 04:18:55 PM »
i was looking for something pos. to label this journal, and at the moment i couldn't find anything.  so, here it is.

at my last session, i found it difficult to talk to my T about what's going on w/ me cuz it felt like i was ripping a bandage off a wound that hadn't healed yet and everything ended up raw and oozing all over again.  i think that's why i've stayed away from writing here - it brings it all up again, everything i'm trying to pack down so it doesn't overwhelm me.

feeling fear is still so new, and so very awful.  i truly don't know how people have lived w/ it all their lives.  don't know how they've lived w/ any of their emotions, to be honest.  it still feels very new, extremely painful, and the hurt i've accumulated over the yearscan now slam me like a sledge hammer.  i know i couldn't have made it thru my life if i'd had them, tho. 

that's a tough realization for me as well.  but at the same time i can look back at everything and see how being unemotional saved me, even tho it took its toll on me and others in different ways.  ugh, that hurts to admit it.

i'll leave it there.  i don't want to go to mexico to live - that would be a very last resort.  too hot, too dirty (i lived in the desert), culture of poverty w/ its own unique perspective.  no, i really don't want to return to that.  and that sentence gave me the title for this journal.  i really don't want to return to where or what i was, so i'll keep pushing forward as best i can, thru the hurt and pain.

 :fallingbricks:  i'm working on getting my faith in myself back.  it's gotten buried under everything.  knowing i can manage or deal with whatever comes my way has gotten me to where i've wanted to go in life.  didn't really have hope, but i had that faith in me.  it was a good thing to have and i want to feel it, know it, again. 

Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief
« on: March 09, 2023, 04:03:58 PM »
thanks, armee, for your compassion. :hug:

notalone, you're absolutely correct.  when i was 53, i didn't care what happened to me except to get away.  now, as you said, totally different situation and circumstances.  thank you for reminding me.  :hug:

blueberry, loved that big hug - i felt it.  thanks. :hug:

CF, thanks.  i'll take them every day.  :hug:

PC, thanks for thinking of me. i know it's good vibes coming my way.  :hug:

well, this is page 25 of my journal, and i've made it a practice to start over at this point.  my next post will be there.  thanks to all of you for everything. :grouphug:  and, onward  . . . .

Recovery Journals / Re: The Next Version Of Me
« on: March 08, 2023, 03:13:07 PM »
bach, in my opinion, it's trauma brain that makes us do what we don't want to do.  it can't be explained rationally, but it's been wounded, our minds have been wounded by what went on before and that distorts our thinking processes.  please don't beat yourself up, ok?  keep taking care of you, hang tough (hangin' right beside you on this) and know that i can relate.  we do what we need to do until we don't need to do it anymore.  keep going.  we've got you.  love and hugs  :grouphug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2022
« on: March 08, 2023, 06:19:57 AM »
it ticks me off that the atty. was impatient w/ you, notalone.  that's his area of expertise - why would he expect someone outside his profession to know everything?  that's on him, not you.  i'm glad you'll talk to your T about it.  at the least, you deserve an atty. who is patient, kind, and helpful, not one who makes you feel stupid.  i don't have a good feeling about him.  but that's just my opinion.  best to you - divorce is messy and stressful at the very least.  and, absolutely distressing and upsetting.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journal
« on: March 08, 2023, 06:15:39 AM »
PC, the ups and downs you speak of sound like the natural progression of any kind of recovery, as in recovering oneself.  in 12-step meetings, that initial spike you described is sometimes referred to as being on a pink cloud.  then reality hits and we do have to do the work of maintaining recovery, maintaining our reality rather than continuing to ride a pink cloud.  that's not reality - it's like the honeymoon phase of recovery.

it sounds like you're learning so much about yourself, your progress, how you have to earn your way through the trauma to stay on a pos. note (not always, but more than before) and something that i think is quite rare - humility.  true humility, not the false humility we too often hear.  it's a roller coaster, for sure, but it sounds like you're on a good track.  keep going, ok?  you're worth it.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journey 23
« on: March 08, 2023, 06:05:40 AM »
i'm with you, rainy.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Sage's Journal
« on: March 07, 2023, 03:49:39 PM »
fingers crossed and prayers flying, CF. we all have our limitations, and you have hit yours, and that's not your fault, nor does it make you a bad cat mom.  unfortunately, we can't do everything we want.  that might sound trite, but it's what i have to tell myself when it comes to my D.  it's a terrible place to be in for you, watching this happen.  i've had pets. we feel responsible for them like they're our kids.  i hope Varrick pulls out of this.  sending loving vibes to you both w/ a hug filled w/ wellness and health. :hug:

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