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Messages - sanmagic7

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Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journey 23
« on: March 06, 2023, 03:58:50 PM »

Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief
« on: March 04, 2023, 05:19:29 PM »
thanks, armee, for that big hug.  it was soothing and comforting. :hug:

just working on getting thru a day w/ my sanity intact.  my D started working for a delivery service yesterday and she said it went well.  i was napping, but otherwise i'll be going along w/ her.  yesterday i was so wiped out, i could barely function, so i took some meds and went to bed.  it was good. 

we've talked about what we'd do if we have to move.  mainly, we'd leave most everything behind, take our bare essentials.  i know we could move into my house in mex. but it wouldn't be ideal.  the heat.  my D thought of friends who would take us in.  i spent a lot of that day crying, smoking, and eating.  the dam had burst.  even tho i ran away to mex. at 53 w/ no plans, little money, nothing coming in, i never once felt afraid and unsettled like this.

Recovery Journals / Re: Sage's Journal
« on: March 04, 2023, 05:12:39 PM »
CF, i surely do hope you get those things you want.  you've been so into making good food lately, and i think that's great.  best to you with this.  and my my my, hasn't your schedule gotten busy!  so wonderful to see you doing things you enjoy and get something pos. from.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journey 23
« on: March 04, 2023, 05:09:24 PM »
you make so much difference to those kids, rainy.  i know that from having worked w/ adolescents in a different way than the 'rules' suggest.  the results show how much difference you make.  it's such a big deal, working w/ kids, allowing them to find their way in a guided environment.  i only wish there were more like you.  i've also lived in earthquake areas, and it's an innate fear that cannot totally be quelled.

i hope you can rest a bit this weekend.  sending love and a hug full of a hammock on the beach or between 2 trees in the shade where you can take a break from all these stressors. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2022
« on: March 04, 2023, 05:01:46 PM »
i echo everything armee said, notalone.  you've got so much on your plate right now w/o the added misery of manipulations and nightmares.  know that i'm with you thru it all, right beside you.  hang tough, ok?  much love and a hug full of a soft cloud on which to rest your weary being if only for a little while. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« on: March 04, 2023, 04:58:36 PM »
my dearest armee, it doesn't sound, you don't sound, crazy at all.  our minds/brains are wondrous, and yours has done what it could to protect you from being sunk by what happened to you.  you've written about neural pathways, how they can be rejoined, how new ones can be made.  the fact that you were able to write this down, see what's going on in your mind so clearly seems to me to speak to that.  it wasn't that long ago that you didn't even think this happened, let alone write about it, naming it, sharing it.

one idea came into my head while reading what you wrote and that was to show this to your T, let him figure out what to do.  you don't have to do that on your own.  the fact that you are remembering, even w/ fractured parts, shows so much progress to me.  i hope you can let him in on this, if you haven't already.  your narrative is well-written, clear, and loaded w/ information.  you deserve help with trying to figure out how to go at it.

sending love and a hug full of 'stick-um' spray to encourage these two factions to come together and be cohesive w/ each other. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief
« on: March 03, 2023, 03:28:30 PM »
thank you, notalone, for your support and validation.   :hug:

blueberry, i appreciate your support so much. :hug:

yesterday was a crash and burn day, and today i'm out of it.

Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« on: March 02, 2023, 07:57:54 PM »
and i believe that's trauma doing the thinking for you, armee.  makes us doubt ourselves, makes us believe we should have done this or that and if so, the trauma would've never occurred, makes us think that somehow we need to shoulder some of the blame.  we don't. we couldn't. we know what we know.  your body has that information and gives it to you regularly.  it didn't matter what you did, thought, felt, said or not.  it's all on them.  and i also believe the grandfather would have had his way no matter what.  you're in the clear.  it's on all of them.  just reiterating, not judging or repeating for the sake of doing so.  you were victimized. period.   love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: The Next Version Of Me
« on: March 02, 2023, 05:42:03 PM »
I think my biggest source of guilt and shame is the feeling I get when I figure out something I've been doing (wrong?) without even knowing it, the feeling that I should have known better or I should have figured it out sooner, and the weight of all the things I wish I could have known enough to do differently.

bach, i've struggled w/ this as well until i came to realize i wasn't taught how to do a lot of things (like live in a relationship, be social, cook, do housework, be me in the world, etc.)  i wasn't given the tools by those who were in charge of me.  i was ridiculed or humiliated for getting something wrong, but not taught how to do it right.

there's no way we can do everything 'right' when we haven't been given the examples or information for how to navigate in this world.  please, don't beat yourself up for this.  i'm with blueberry - i care about you.  all we can do is experiment w/ words and behaviors, see where they land, learn from it all.  we're late coming to this game, it's true, but that doesn't make us bad, wrong, or worthless.  you weren't given what you needed to know what you don't know.  it's on them, not you.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journal
« on: March 02, 2023, 05:31:59 PM »
i think coming to the point where you can now say 'i'm a good person' is a real biggie, PC.  i've just been able to come to that myself lately.  there's a lot of relief involved in that.  so glad this is helping you, and that your perspective is changing for the better.  i also like the idea that you need to do your part to keep this going.  it reinforces the idea that there is no 'miracle pill' for this.  it just sounds like you've been able to break thru barriers you were stuck behind in the past.  it sounds like a wonderful start.

you are a good person, PC.  you are kind and caring and loving.  love and hugs to you :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief
« on: March 02, 2023, 05:25:28 PM »
thanks, armee.  just right.  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« on: March 02, 2023, 05:24:37 PM »
armee, as i recall, you were drugged when this happened.  i think that's a powerful reason for the parts of your brain to struggle to make one complete, comprehensible story.  it may be that some of them will never be able to retrieve their own pieces cuz of the drugs.

one mentor i had in the alc/drug addiction area explained blackouts to me like this:  he believed that the amount of alc. was so 'thick', it didn't allow an event to reach the remembering part of the brain and form a memory.  it could be true that the specific drug(s) you were given had the same effect.

i think if you believe writing it all down, the bits and pieces you have, is going to help, i send all kinds of support for you doing that.  it may be just what you and those parts need.  messing w/ someone's brain while committing a horror to them is just the very worst.  it takes away your will, takes away your power, and takes away too many chances of being able to reclaim the details of what went on,

and, no, i don't believe if you talked to them differently things might not have happened.  they were on a mission and did every nefarious trick in the book to see that mission fulfilled.  and, as you said, there was always the grandfather.  you were used and abused in the worst way, armee, by the worst kinds of people.  this is not on you in any way - it's all on them, all of it.  a pox on them.  much love and a warm, gentle, embracing hug to give you the strength you need to navigate these turbulent waters. :bighug:

Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief
« on: March 02, 2023, 05:09:08 PM »
armee, thanks so much for your experiences w/ this word selection thing.  so, yeah, stress - it's a miracle worker, isn't it, altho not in a pos. way.  and i appreciate the idea of asking my brain to only let out a little at a time.  reading that seemed to ping! in my mind, as if it would be doable.  i reacted so violently at the idea of stuff all coming out at once, i don't know if maybe that's not what my T said at all.  maybe she was saying what you're talking about.  anyway, i'll talk to her about it tomorrow.  thank you so. :hug:

hey, rainy, thanks for the encouragement about my own speed.  it helps reinforce that perspective for me. :hug:

well, another stressor got added to the mix yesterday - our rent is getting raised by over $100/mo. starting in june.  my D hasn't 'worked' in over a year, at least not on other's books, but she got some money from an investor that she's hoping, along w/ my retirement money, will fly our status as renters over the requirements needed.  but it's iffy, so we're on pins and noodles here.

hopefully, we'll be able to work the farmers markets and sell our books there, make some money that way.  i can proofread for people if there would be anyone who needs that service, but the question is how to get clients.  i have no connections, no social media, nothing reaching out to the outside world.  so, that's a bit of a stumbling block.  she's also going to see if she can get hired as a delivery service person, which wouldn't be too bad.  we'll see.

just one more rock on the pile that's slowly engulfing me.  when i heard about the rent, i immediately thought of running to mexico.  at least we wouldn't be homeless.  but, we can't move - we don't have the money for it, nor the energy.  i can only hope our angels are clicking into high gear.  all i could think yesterday is 'this is so unfair!  we're good people, we play by the rules, why is this happening to us?!'  i'm not usually an 'it's not fair' type of person, but this sent me into that space and it feels yucky.

i don't want to move, don't want to go thru the process of finding a place, can't even imagine doing it.  i got very 'hard' yesterday, like i could take this on, so i'm letting myself be soft here, but it's going to take some hardness to get thru this and i don't know how long i can keep that up w/o breaking under the strain.  i hate this crapola!!!

Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journey 23
« on: March 02, 2023, 04:47:09 PM »
you're showing so much courage w/ this plan, rainy.  i hope it goes well for you and also makes people sit up and acknowledge their own biases w/ the hope of clearer understanding.  fingers crossed, prayers flying!  much love and a hug filled w/ hope that your colleagues will change their perspectives.  i give you so much credit, rainy, for doing this.   :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief
« on: March 01, 2023, 05:24:01 PM »
armee, thanks so much for that big hug!  beautiful!  and may i say you never have to apologize for what you've written or not written - i know your heart is with me.  i value you and your unending support.  :hug:

PC, i can't say how many times i've said nearly those exact same words to people, but it was wonderful to hear it for me from someone else.  thank you so much for that.  and thank you for your kind words about me.  it brought a smile to my face. :hug:

i'm going thru a series of brain blocks lately, which is not something i've experienced before.  i've forgotten words in the past, but this is different.  i'm saying a sentence, know which word is supposed to come next, but it's like a big block of ice suddenly shows itself and blocks that word from coming out.  it's the strangest feeling.  i don't like it - it feels like a new symptom of this trauma beast, a new toll on my mind which has been taken.  it scares me.

i'm quite panicky about it inside, let something slip to my D last nite after it happened again.  her mind hasn't been working all the time either lately due to stress, so she sloughed it off as something we both do, and she's not concerned.  the fact that this is a new thing for me is what worries me, but i didn't go into it.  she can't take care of me if i become infirm, and has told me she'd put me in a nice home if it ever got that bad.  so, i've got that hanging over me, sitting in its own little alcove in some corner of my brain for the past several years.

w/ my T yesterday, i spoke about having a rough time lately w/ pain/hurt coming up for me, especially during certain scenes in tv shows we watch.  the idea that i'm carrying all my pain is not new, but the feeling of it, the realization of how hurt i've been by how many people so many times is very new, and it sucks.  i see someone in a scene putting themselves out for someone else, and i can go straight to sobbing.  one good thing is that i can now direct it to myself and my experiences.

actually feeling the pain and the hurt (probably exacerbated by years of abuse heaped upon them in so many different ways) is nearly overwhelming, tho.  and i can barely function for a while afterwards, can't enjoy the show, can only work and struggle to get myself back together. all this has put me on overload, lots of anxiety, disossiation,  (here's an example - i can't remember how to spell this word, and i've tried 3 different ways) and just being in pain, heart aching, so much . . .

when i told my T about it, she suggested we do some emdr to tell my brain it's ok to open up, let this stuff out.  i immediately stiffened up, full body like a board, my head thrown back onto the back of my chair, my hips raised off the seat, my legs like planks.  i just started yelling 'no  no no'.  she immediately backed off, but it's given me the idea that my brain cannot be broken open like that but an outside force - it's breaking on its own and anything more would send me somewhere i don't want to think about.

we also talked about my lack of anger.  my D mentioned about couples fighting (we were watching a scene of this), how she's said things in anger just to hurt the other person, and i told her i really never had that experience.  she was pretty shocked.  i said i didn't get angry in that way, just absorbed, was patent and tolerant with/of other people's anger, so i never really had fights unless something boiled over and the pressure cooker blew open.

still, my being angry w/ someone and letting them know has usually ended up with me getting hurt very badly.  one exchange i told her about w/ hub#1 - i was mad about how he'd been treating me, said so, that 'you're treating me like ****' and he responded 'that's cuz you are' and walked away.  another, more recent relationship saw the same thing - i got angry about something, wrote it all down in a benign way, and the guy ended up deleting all my contacts, wouldn't answer my calls, left me wondering what the frick happened.  this has been most of my experience when i've gotten angry.  so i stopped.  plus, i've recently realized how very scared of my ex i was, cuz i'd seen the black rage enter his eyes if i expressed some kind of disapproval or asked a question too close to his nerve.

my T has been saying over the past several sessions how much abuse there's been, how many layers from so many different people, gender not mattering, relationship not mattering, family, friend, professional . . . and i'm opening up this can of worms and leeches and it's getting more difficult to deal w/ it from one day to the next.  keeping it all inside didn't work, either.  staying sane is my goal now, making it to tomorrow and waking up sane.  it's so frightening.

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