notalone, yes, it is exciting. i've been having a difficult time seeing those little nooks and crannies of positives while other stuff, like our house, the loan, the evacuation, my ex, etc. has been loomingly neg. and overwhelming and i've been dealing with that. thanks for this affirmation. we just sent in authors bio's to them this morning, so that was exciting, too. i'm glad you pointed it out.
rainy, actually today was the first day i could take a breath, so thank you so much for the well wishes. i know that the idea of 'self-harm' has been pretty narrowly focused for people by the professionals for the most part, or in articles, etc., but i guess i just see some of this stuff differently. glad you found it helpful.
i was so nervous last night, and today, scared, actually, cuz i got a new med to take from the psych., but i found myself too afraid to try it, afraid i would lose my legs again, so i haven't taken it. i talked to my t about it this morning, she helped me calm down, and talked to the psych this afternoon about everything that was scaring me, more of my history w/ such meds (this was a mood stabilizer - zyprexa), and she was very reassuring, put me at ease (nod to you, rainy).
when she said mood stabilizer, it was a trigger, cuz that's what i'd begun taking before when my legs went out of whack and i ended up falling cuz i couldn't catch my balance - my legs wouldn't move fast enough - and broke my wrist and something in my back. i was near tears, and told her xanax is the only thing that hasn't affected my legs like this. i'd also been scared that if i wasn't taking the prescribed med, she wouldn't let me just rely on xanax, which i'd told my t. but, she did, and i burst into tears in relief,
thank everything helpful for allowing this to go like it did. she'll refill my scrip for xanax if i run out before our next chat, was glad to hear that i wasn't taking more than 1 1/2 mg/day (i think that reassured her that i wasn't just abusing it), and it sounds like it's all good. i feel much better now.
still, i'm also concerned about my d, she's been holding everything in, but finally was able to cry about the house today. she's like me - holds the stress in until we bubble over, but in the meantime, our bodies begin doing weird things. she's now more confident that when she feels like that, it's not an automatic trip to the ER now (we have gone that route in the past). tentatively, we're both ok at the moment, still waiting to hear if we even qualify for a loan, so that's keeping us on pins and noodles.
i've also been processing a lot of the abuse from my ex the past few sessions, which leaves me feeling like crapola for a day, but usually i stabilize by the next morning. it's amazing to me how re-telling this stuff makes it feel more real, more abusive. one of the things that came to me was that every thing he did was testing me to see how much he could get away with. over and over and over thru the years. i've discovered tests i've failed, and noted what happened because i wasn't able to take appropriate steps at the time. those are just ugly to me.
but i've also noted other tests and what i did to stand up to him, cause changes in our family because i did. no sense of victory, tho - they were just part of the rhythm of our life together, even after we were divorced. i kept him close to manage my money cuz i was too sick to do it while i was in mexico, and he took advantage in sneaky ways. i didn't know till after the fact. but, that's part of what was so awful about him selling our house - he had power of attorney, and decided to sell it cuz it was of no use to him anymore. no matter that my name was on the deed and i could've been held financially responsible (which, in point of fact, he did have to pay over $1000 in the end). ugh!
anyway, this stuff with him is 40 yrs' worth of crap like that, and it plays on my mind, especially at times when i quiet down to go to sleep, or when i first wake up. there those thoughts are, harrassing me, making all kinds of neg. feelings come up and taunt me. it's just not a restful way to fall asleep or wake up. i hope i can eventually get to the point in therapy where that stops happening.
so, deep breath. don't know if i'll be around much for a bit. all this needs resolution, but i love you all, and i appreciate all your hugs and support. thank you.
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you are moving forward so much lately, it's impressive. thanks for sharing. it's so good to see this for you 
love and hugs, my dear 
