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Messages - sanmagic7

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Recovery Journals / Re: Owl's journal
« on: October 09, 2020, 10:07:16 PM »
so glad you've found someone who is trauma-knowledgable to talk with - i've found it makes all the difference!  i hope you can make some progress.  it is astounding to me, too, how much pain and hurt we endured and survived through our lives.  it's all real, i do know that now.  all of it, and it was definitely as bad as you remember, whether in general or specific incidents.  they've all taken a terrible toll on us.  love and hugs, owl. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: October 09, 2020, 10:03:06 PM »
notalone, yes, it is exciting.  i've been having a difficult time seeing those little nooks and crannies of positives while other stuff, like our house, the loan, the evacuation, my ex, etc. has been loomingly neg. and overwhelming and i've been dealing with that.  thanks for this affirmation.  we just sent in authors bio's to them this morning, so that was exciting, too.  i'm glad you pointed it out.   :hug:

rainy, actually today was the first day i could take a breath, so thank you so much for the well wishes.  i know that the idea of 'self-harm' has been pretty narrowly focused for people by the professionals for the most part, or in articles, etc., but i guess i just see some of this stuff differently. glad you found it helpful.   :hug:

i was so nervous last night, and today, scared, actually, cuz i got a new med to take from the psych., but i found myself too afraid to try it, afraid i would lose my legs again, so i haven't taken it.  i talked to my t about it this morning, she helped me calm down, and talked to the psych this afternoon about everything that was scaring me, more of my history w/ such meds (this was a mood stabilizer - zyprexa), and she was very reassuring, put me at ease (nod to you, rainy).

when she said mood stabilizer, it was a trigger, cuz that's what i'd begun taking before when my legs went out of whack and i ended up falling cuz i couldn't catch my balance - my legs wouldn't move fast enough - and broke my wrist and something in my back.  i was near tears, and told her xanax is the only thing that hasn't affected my legs like this. i'd also been scared that if i wasn't taking the prescribed med, she wouldn't let me just rely on xanax, which i'd told my t.  but, she did, and i burst into tears in relief,

thank everything helpful for allowing this to go like it did.  she'll refill my scrip for xanax if i run out before our next chat, was glad to hear that i wasn't taking more than 1 1/2 mg/day (i think that reassured her that i wasn't just abusing it), and it sounds like it's all good.  i feel much better now.

still, i'm also concerned about my d, she's been holding everything in, but finally was able to cry about the house today.  she's like me - holds the stress in until we bubble over, but in the meantime, our bodies begin doing weird things.  she's now more confident that when she feels like that, it's not an automatic trip to the ER now (we have gone that route in the past).  tentatively, we're both ok at the moment, still waiting to hear if we even qualify for a loan, so that's keeping us on pins and noodles.

i've also been processing a lot of the abuse from my ex the past few sessions, which leaves me feeling like crapola for a day, but usually i stabilize by the next morning.  it's amazing to me how re-telling this stuff makes it feel more real, more abusive.  one of the things that came to me was that every thing he did was testing me to see how much he could get away with.  over and over and over thru the years.  i've discovered tests i've failed, and noted what happened because i wasn't able to take appropriate steps at the time.  those are just ugly to me.

but i've also noted other tests and what i did to stand up to him, cause changes in our family because i did.  no sense of victory, tho - they were just part of the rhythm of our life together, even after we were divorced.  i kept him close to manage my money cuz i was too sick to do it while i was in mexico, and he took advantage in sneaky ways.  i didn't know till after the fact.  but, that's part of what was so awful about him selling our house - he had power of attorney, and decided to sell it cuz it was of no use to him anymore.  no matter that my name was on the deed and i could've been held financially responsible (which, in point of fact, he did have to pay over $1000 in the end).  ugh!

anyway, this stuff with him is 40 yrs' worth of crap like that, and it plays on my mind, especially at times when i quiet down to go to sleep, or when i first wake up.  there those thoughts are, harrassing me, making all kinds of neg. feelings come up and taunt me.  it's just not a restful way to fall asleep or wake up.  i hope i can eventually get to the point in therapy where that stops happening.

so, deep breath.  don't know if i'll be around much for a bit.  all this needs resolution, but i love you all, and i appreciate all your hugs and support.  thank you.

Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« on: October 06, 2020, 02:29:11 PM »
interesting how that works!  well done, blueberry! :thumbup:  you are moving forward so much lately, it's impressive.  thanks for sharing.  it's so good to see this for you :cheer:  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« on: October 06, 2020, 02:26:07 PM »
you are amazing, el.  simply amazing.  i remember you a few years ago, the relationships you had, just beginning to recover and heal from all the horrors in your life. you've come so far, and to now be able to address the shame piece of everything you've gone thru speaks to your strength, determination, and perseverance.  i can't say enough pos. things to you about you.  i'm just so happy to know you, be part of your life (even if only virtually) to have been able to witness this transformation.

thanks for continuing to share this progress.  you inspire people to keep going, no matter how difficult it may seem, no matter how frightening.  i'm just so glad for you!  ;D

much love and a hug filled with wonderful for you :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: October 06, 2020, 02:15:58 PM »
thanks, blueberry, for the acceptance and the hugs.  you warmed my heart.

gonna try one more med today or tomorrow.  it's supposed to help with racing/intrusive thoughts as well as anxiety and sleep.  we'll see.

meanwhile, my lungs are cleansing themselves the past few days, but i'm breathing well, so i know i stopped in time.  they're not in the greatest shape anyway, so cigs are the worst thing i can do, which is why i consider it self-harm, but that's how self-destructive i was feeling.  it was quite a dark place.  glad i'm not there right now anymore.  gotta give them a chance to heal again. 

in the meantime, one day at a time.  just get from today to tomorrow. 

some good news is that my d and i are getting our books into a little cafe in town that also displays the works of local artisans.  my d is going for the meeting this afternoon, but they'll be there on consignment.  a nice percentage will come to us for anything sold, which i was happily surprised about.  i decided not to go cuz covid is doing an uptick in our state.  i don't need to take that kind of chance, but i would've like to have met these women who run the place.  part of every sale goes to a local charity, too, and i really like that idea. 

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
« on: October 05, 2020, 03:24:25 PM »
so glad you're sharing with your partner on a regular basis, hope, and that it's working out to your benefit!  i think it's wonderful for the both of you.

the waiting room scenario is interesting, especially in how it's changing.  keep up the good work, my dear.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Thoughts....(2nd journal)
« on: October 05, 2020, 03:03:41 PM »
hey, snookie,

sometimes when we're brought up by someone who shows dislike to us, i think it's very easy to believe we're unlikeable, and even to begin acting in ways that put people off us at the very beginning.  i'm not saying you do this - from what i know of you on this forum, you are very concerned, caring, and someone i'd want to know.  i'm just saying that i heard a long time ago that it's very common to act in ways our parents portrayed us. 

i do believe that's why i became an overachiever, pushing myself harder and harder throughout my life, acting like i had all the answers.  it distanced others from me as well, but i can trace it back to my father's expectations he put on me.  i, also, was very friendly, but often intimidated others before they got to know that side of me.

weird how that works sometimes.  i've worked on that piece of myself, have had to since i got too sick to push myself like that anymore.  i do hope you find your way to let out that sweet, caring, friendly, likeable side of you more easily.  you are likeable, snook.  i like you. 

love and hugs to you, dear snookie. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« on: October 05, 2020, 02:49:53 PM »
i'm gonna join in with a  :cheer: for you, and another  :cheer: for all you're accomplishing.  well done :thumbup:, my dear. so very glad for you that you were able to give yourself a  :cheer: as you do so for your students.  you all deserve it!  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time
« on: October 05, 2020, 02:46:05 PM »
truly ugly feelings to feel, dear notalone.  so very sorry they're there.  i wish i could do or say something that would make them not true.  all i can do is send you love and a hug filled with compassion :hug:  i wish i could make them go away.

Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: October 05, 2020, 02:43:45 PM »
thanks for the hugs and sympathy, bach and notalone.  i truly appreciate it.   :hug:    :hug:

legs are a little better today.  i should be able to take a walk outside tomorrow, maybe a little one today.  cigs are done - my lungs stopped tolerating them.  i feel ok.  the stress is still there, but i'm coping.  started crying out of nowhere last nite, don't know why.  guess i'm just sad.  i feel pretty hopeless about getting medicinal help to help me cope.  stress reliever is what i need, and i don't see one of those on the horizon. 

wah wah wah - that's what it feels like. 

Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: October 04, 2020, 06:40:07 PM »
well, so much for high hopes.  my legs are wonky again, so last nite is going to be the end of the meds for me.  this was a very low dose, i took it 8 times, noticed my legs not being quite up to snuff a few days ago, and by yesterday, altho i'm feeling better in some respects, i couldn't take a walk outdoors.  this morning, there was a hiccup as i got into the shower, where i lost my balance a little, and i can't have that.  so, back to the drawing board.

this brings me down once again, which sucks.  i've got a call into the doc, we'll see what she has to say.  man, i hate this crapola!   :no:

Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: October 03, 2020, 06:37:20 PM »
sceal, notalone, and tee - love the hugs and support.  thank you all very much :grouphug:

today i slept till nearly 9 a.m., which is very unusual for me, but it felt great.  i even just laid and snoozed for another hour, which also felt great.

i think the meds are beginning to lift my depression - i don't feel the need for the cigs and coffee route today, only had one yesterday.  my lungs are also telling me "enough"!  so, i'm gonna honor them for today.  they've already been thru a lot in my lifetime.

it's almost awkward to feel not so down, altho we're still going thru the stress of not knowing about our house, loan, anything else pertinent to that situation.  i think the meds might be helping me with that as well.  i hope so.

i did a few things this morning, and now i'm already feeling tired.  even this little time here has kind of knocked me off center.  i'd better go.

Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journal
« on: October 03, 2020, 06:29:08 PM »
lots of realizations there, rainy - well done! :thumbup:

i like realizations because they give me some focus on what i'm doing, what others are doing, what i can do differently to upset a toxic apple cart.  i hope you can find some of that for yourself as well.  love and a hug filled w/ clarity and determination. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time
« on: October 01, 2020, 06:42:28 PM »

Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« on: October 01, 2020, 06:40:33 PM »

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