Messages

thanks, chart.  i know it seems like some time has passed, especially to others, but it doesn't feel like that to me.  everything still feels raw.  guess i need more time.

had a dissociative moment yesterday while driving, came back in the middle of a 4-way stop intersection that i was moving thru w/o stopping.  boy, was i surprised!  i don't recall ever doing that in my life.  still, it tells me i am very far from being ok. 

today, i managed to get in the shower, will change my sheets, and i feel wasted, as in a wasteland, devoid of nuance, bright, or energy.  once again, this has all been too much, and i'm reeling under the impact, barely able to walk, move smoothly, i'm all bent over, everything is a chore to be done, no enjoyment.  bleak.

df, thanks for the clarification.  i never once thought the 'here' you mentioned was meaning here on the forum.  i thought it was 'here', as in reality, my being 'here' as in all of me all the time in the real world.  on the forum, i'm as here as possible, often more so than in real life, so thanks for that encouragement to continue. you didn't do anything wrong - i just went in a different direction with it, which took me down some long roads 

armee, you are so articulate, so insightful, so imaginative.  thank you for all of that.  i've read what you've written several times, and quite honestly, i wasn't able to completely follow it all, altho i think i got the general drift.  at any rate, while i might have done all those things, certainly allowed myself to let out that anger to a degree i didn't expect, it still caused me a lot of physical distress, overwhelmingly so, and that didn't feel good either for or to me.  so, all those parts may absolutely be working together to let out or refrain from doing so, the end result ends up the same.  too much emotion and my system goes down for the count, taking me with it. i know you're on my side, and am grateful for that.  thank you for caring.

the household is still unreal.  little things i'd do or notice about the cat, what she would normally do, are still there, i still have to catch myself, and she wasn't even out in public very much in these past few weeks.  nothing here is normal yet, if it ever will be.

hey, CF, sounds like you're doing pretty good, and for that i'm glad.  that creative stuff sounds wonderful.  and right beside you on the scary stuff.  'as needed' basis also sounds good.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs

thank you for those big hugs, blueberry.  they help a lot.  i felt better physically - it just has to pass and that just takes time.  we wanted to do the vet, wanted to be there when it happened to say good-bye.  i woke up crying this morning - this is why i didn't want to have any more pets (and this technically wasn't even mine, but i've lived w/ her for 8 yrs. now).  thank you for being here for me.

so, still in mourning.  i hate this crapola.

thanks for those hugs, DF.  i really needed them right now.

so, this concept of feeling my emotions has bit me in the butt.  it's the middle of the night, i'm in terrible pain, had a gas attack (it's a weird thing where my body cavity fills up w/ gas and puts me in terrific pain, like it's pushing all my organs into each other.  this phenomenon began for me in mexico, i even went to an acupuncturist for relief, he did an ultra sound to check out what was going on inside, and told me he couldn't see anything cuz i was filled with gas).  it's not the kind of gas that is helped by pepto or anti-gas pills cuz it's not really happening inside my stomach.

however, it renders me nearly motionless cuz of all the pain.  earlier today, just before it started, i was so angry, i was pounding on the arm of my chair - my D has to put her cat down tomorrow, she went completely downhill today (she's 19, and we knew she had some problems, have just been waiting for it to get bad enough that there was no quality of life anymore, and today was the day).  i got so mad that my D is not getting any breaks!  spent most of the day crying, feeling very emotional, but it's like my body/my system absolutely cannot manage to be ok w/ me expressing or even feeling my emotions. 

therein lies the rub.  it's supposedly a good thing to let emotions out, to feel them, express them, have them, but when i do, i pay a tremendous price.  i'm supposed to go w/ my D to the vet tomorrow, and i really don't know if i'm gonna be able to, and that makes me want to cry again.  too many emotions over too many weeks, not a break to just rest and heal.  and i end up miserable once again.  this does not feel like quality of life for me, either.  which is why i get so depressed and go to such dark places.  is this really worth it?  not if my D isn't around, it isn't.  i'm convinced.

i know i'm angry about this right now, but that scares me as well.  and so frickin' sad about the cat.  and for my D.  and she went to a doc today who wouldn't help her out one bit for disability, and she's trying to deal w/ all this crapola and hasn't worked for nearly a month now and all we do is order food and eat and watch tv cuz we don't have the energy to take care of ourselves any better.  i used to love life.

thank you, blueberry, for your validation.  feeling emotions is definitely tiring!  and, yes, i can look out the windows, hear the birds singing, see the trees coming into leaf, and enjoy the sky.   

thanks, DF.  fully be here - what an odd concept. to me, i mean.  don't know if i've ever thought of myself as fully being here.  something to acknowledge.  every day something new . . . 

we finished watching 'firefly' and i love the theme song.  it talks about others taking everything, my land, my love, take me to the black, burn the land and boil the sea, but you can't take the sky from me.  the idea that the sky is always there for me to look at, to know, to 'have', and that no matter what else has been taken from me, i am still free cuz they can't take the sky from me . . . that kind of freedom is always there, and it's something i've spent my entire life trying for.  to be free.

it's why my road trips were where i felt safest - i had no phone, no computer in my car, no check-ins, no one could track me or know where i was - i was totally free.  that was always freedom to me - that i was by myself w/ no one telling me what to do or not to do, no one making fun of me, questioning me or my motives (i always had my own but couldn't always explain them, so i looked clueless most of the time). 

now i don't have the ability to take road trips anymore, but i do still have the sky, open and endless.  i don't ever want to forget that again.   and i don't carry people in my life anymore who dismiss or negate me, who repress me and my spirit.  that's the basis of all this - repression.  DF mentioned that i may fully be here, and i noted it was a strange concept for me.  yep, it is.  i was raised to not be fully here, to be partially here, the parts they wanted to see, that looked 'good' for others/society, just one part, the smiling part that doesn't bend the rules or rebel against them.  so now i may fully be here, i'm told.  what a concept indeed.

i'm just glad you're back home, blueberry.  'my brain fell out of my head' - yep, love that (even if it doesn't feel good) but i love it cuz it completely describes how i've been feeling after these 3 weeks w/ my D and her radiation treatments.  i hope you can continue to allow your process to keep at it, doing its thing in its own time and way.  sounds like it's working well.  love and hugs

absolutely agree, DF.  can we really miss what we didn't have?  it made me think of my own parents, how i've heard so many people talk about how much they missed theirs - even if they had only moved away - and i never had that feeling.  even when i consciously thought about it, i couldn't think of what i would miss about them cuz they were really quite distant. no, nothing, really, to miss.  you're not wrong or bad or anything neg. for not missing something that wasn't there.  love and hugs

thanks, DF.  i surely will - i'm too tired to do otherwise! 

thank you, hope.  so glad to see you again.  big hug back atcha!

very tired today - i'm guessing part of it is sugar hangover.  love the stuff, it doesn't love me so much.  now i've got to detox.

the weather's warming up, i want to walk, just don't have the energy hardly ever anymore.  i hate that i'm so run down, that life affects me the way it does.  i can't seem to get out of this negativity thing, especially lately.  my D and i are so low-key that we have to pick and choose who to spend time w/ and when - some people's energy is just too big.  mine used to be like that, at times, and i could definitely tolerate it in others, welcomed it, even.  sometimes i'm not able to tell if this is the effects of c-ptsd, or just my age or changed attitude or what.

it's frustrating.  i still laugh, do jokes, smile a lot, but as soon as that situation goes away, or soon after, i'm back to just feeling tired and often crappy as well. 

dang, another depressing rant.  i don't even like myself like this.  i was never like this.

on the other hand, i didn't have any hint of emotions before, didn't realize what i'd been thru, and i know there are still situations i haven't worked thru, like my first ex.  i've put him on the back burner for so long, and i know i'm scared to dive into that.  i've only recently begun thinking of him, what happened while i was with him, and i know there's a reason i haven't dived into it.  i guess just bringing this up here is some kind of beginning.

you know, DF, i've had that same thing going on for ever so long - hate to make people wait, as if their time is more valuable than mine - until one day i realized that i've waited for others so very often in my life, that it's ok to take my turn now.  yeah, it's finally my turn to do what i need to do, the way i need to do it, and to take the time needed to do it.  i'm not purposefully taking time away from others, but i do have the right to take the time i need. 

our rights were never acknowledged by others.  we can do that for ourselves finally.  love and hugs

and    back to you, hope.  so glad to see you - missed you a lot.  it's ok to take your time.  glad your time away was a good thing,  love and hugs

thanks, DF.  i will!  it sounds wonderful to me to not have to get in that car every day.

had a marvelous mother's day yesterday.  my D was so sweet.  we have gotten into the habit of using our special days, like this one or birthdays, to watch/binge movies (on her b-day, she picks out disney or marvel movies and 'makes' me watch them w/ her.  it's become a 'thing' now!) or tv shows.  it's gotten us thru a lot of crises as well.  so, yesterday, 'firefly' caught my eye, and we spent most of the day eating fun stuff and watching that show.  we're not fond of joss whedon anymore cuz of some of the stuff he's done in his private life, but this show and 'buffy' we watch for the best part of them being brilliantly conceived, great dialogue, and fascinating characters.

so, it is all hands on deck for healing now.  and resting. 

that's what we do, DF - we do what needs to be done, and deal w/ ourselves later.  i understand what those mixed emotions feel like, and i don't believe there's anything wrong with that.  they are what they are, and have good reason for being there.  it sounds like you managed everything really well, and you now have the freedom to be you, just the way you want to be. 

i think there's an innate part to missing someone - they represented something in our lives that's no longer there, whether good, bad, or ugly, but still.  it was there, now it's gone.  sending love and a hug filled w/ gentleness and caring.

it's over, now to heal.  i'm so very tired.  my D was a rock star.

thank you, DF - so helpful to hear that from you.   

1 to go, and i don't doubt that while everyone else will be smiling as my D rings that gong, i will be blubbering my eyes out from relief and release.