my t canceled again - again! - yesterday and i was really looking forward to helping me emdr thru my fears concerning the heat, leading back to when we first moved in and hit a tidal wave of hothothot! absolute trauma - i thought i was going to have to be sent to the ER in an ambulance twice - we moved here w/o fans or a/c. long story short, i was taking showers in my clothes and putting ice packs over my head and heart. we did get fans, but my D had to call the place where we'd ordered our a/c, tell them it was a medical emergency that we get it sent immediately.
it was a harrowing exp. and a few days ago when this heat hit, i felt so disturbed somewhere inside i didn't know what to do w/ myself. the nite before i realized my chest was tight, which is my cue to fear. i was terribly scared from the other experience, but had to push it down so as to be able to think about what to do for myself to survive. so, after the notice i wouldn't have therapy, i decided to do some emdr flash on myself. of course, that brought up feelings of having to do for myself one more time.
what came up while i was doing it was very reassuring, and resolved the fear. it centered around being w/ my D now, that she's got my back, and she would do everything to keep me safe. finally i have someone in my life who consistently will have my back. it's a good feeling.
my wounds are healing and that feels good. all band-aids are off. now it's up to nature to do her thing.
i survived my ex's visit. it wasn't till the day after he left that i felt that sense of relief. i also think my D spent less time w/ him than i thought, which felt good. i can't imagine what it must have been like for her to be around his energy. ugh! enough of that.
we also got a notice yesterday that our paperwork for the apt. has been approved, so we're going to the office today to sign the papers for another year's lease. i haven't gotten a true sense of relief yet - feels like i've been living on the edge of this for too long, dreading the idea that we mite get kicked out. won't really feel it till the papers are signed, possibly. at any rate, it looks like that part's off our plate. thank you to all my angels looking out for us!
my little balcony garden is coming along. so very happy about that. we've had flowers this spring, and are now going for a few veggies, maybe a melon. hot diggety!!! i can write hot diggety!!!, but i don't feel it.
so, lots of positive news for me. am finding it hard to take it in, feel the goodness. it feels like part of the old me who didn't rejoice about good things coming my way. instead, taking it for granted in their acceptance. another lump of stuff inside me. it's a strange feeling in one sense, but one i've felt so many times over so many years. maybe i don't know how to rejoice inside me, maybe it's all about taking the good things in stride like i take the bad things in stride. i just acknowledge it and move on. sad way to live a life, i suppose. maybe that's why my eyes have held noticeable sadness forever.
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to wrap up little bach, that sweet precious little bach, and protect her from the damage she's experienced. love and hugs, dear bach