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Messages - sanmagic7

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Recovery Journals / Re: Eerie Anne's Journal
« on: May 22, 2023, 03:53:21 PM »
EA, i relate to not having a sense of self due to it being ignored or not allowed when i was growing up.  i also relate to fawning, and i think it's been discussed here a lot under the banner of people pleasing.  i have been one all my life, was trained to be that way and did it very well.  unfortunately, as you mentioned, i had to look at others to find some kind of form for myself.  looking back, well, it's quite depressing.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: FINDING MY FEELINGS
« on: May 20, 2023, 08:55:18 PM »
yes, little moondance, you are safe right now.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: no returns
« on: May 19, 2023, 02:48:01 PM »
did some financial stuff the yesterday, signed the lease, and tears started.  don't know why, don't know how many emotions or even what they were wanted to make themselves heard, but it caused me to be wrecked the rest of the day.  did a lot of sleeping and feeling crummy.  i'd just gotten over the stress flu, which lasted at least a week, had a good day or 2, then it happened again yesterday.  happily, i feel better today.  i'll explore this w/ my T in a few minutes, if she's around.

wow - i hated putting that caveat about my T, but it came out, so i guess my trust in her being here is pretty low.  i don't like feeling like that.

Recovery Journals / Re: Eerie Anne's Journal
« on: May 19, 2023, 02:41:50 PM »
hey, EA,

personally, i don't think asking for help is a sign of co-dependency, so i looked up the term.  merriam-webster defined it as depending on the needs of or control by another.  it's an enabling/addiction type of dynamic where each partner is depending on the other to do to or for them.  in my mind, asking for help is a human issue because we all need help at one time or another.

i agree w/ you, tho, that some psychological platitudes don't jive w/ our experiences and situations of living.  they're not extensive enough in that they brush off our ability to do things like 'make friends', 'go to a social gathering', etc.  we all aren't able to do those things because of triggers, anxiety, and other c-ptsd symptoms.  life isn't as easy for us at times as those simplistic suggestions.

i'm offering support, love, and a virtual hug if it helps.  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journey 23
« on: May 18, 2023, 05:22:56 AM »
rainy, i hope your lesson goes well.  i have no doubt you'll do fine.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark
« on: May 17, 2023, 10:27:46 PM »
bach, those kinds of realizations can be brutal.  with you on that - i can think of several major memories that proved abusively traumatic and they triggered and haunted me well into adulthood.  as far a s being a mentally ill child, i wish i could do more than send a big hug  :bighug: to wrap up little bach, that sweet precious little bach, and protect her from the damage she's experienced.  love and hugs, dear bach :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: no returns
« on: May 17, 2023, 02:10:11 PM »
 :pissed: my t canceled again - again! - yesterday and i was really looking forward to helping me emdr thru my fears concerning the heat, leading back to when we first moved in and hit a tidal wave of hothothot!  absolute trauma - i thought i was going to have to be sent to the ER in an ambulance twice - we moved here w/o fans or a/c.  long story short, i was taking showers in my clothes and putting ice packs over my head and heart.  we did get fans, but my D had to call the place where we'd ordered our a/c, tell them it was a medical emergency that we get it sent immediately. 

it was a harrowing exp. and a few days ago when this heat hit, i felt so disturbed somewhere inside i didn't know what to do w/ myself.  the nite before i realized my chest was tight, which is my cue to fear. i was terribly scared from the other experience, but had to push it down so as to be able to think about what to do for myself to survive. so, after the notice i wouldn't have therapy, i decided to do some emdr flash on myself.  of course, that brought up feelings of having to do for myself one more time.

what came up while i was doing it was very reassuring, and resolved the fear.  it centered around being w/ my D now, that she's got my back, and she would do everything to keep me safe.  finally i have someone in my life who consistently will have my back.  it's a good feeling.

my wounds are healing and that feels good.  all band-aids are off.  now it's up to nature to do her thing.

i survived my ex's visit.  it wasn't till the day after he left that i felt that sense of relief.  i also think my D spent less time w/ him than i thought, which felt good.  i can't imagine what it must have been like for her to be around his energy.  ugh!  enough of that.

we also got a notice yesterday that our paperwork for the apt. has been approved, so we're going to the office today to sign the papers for another year's lease.  i haven't gotten a true sense of relief yet - feels like i've been living on the edge of this for too long, dreading the idea that we mite get kicked out.  won't really feel it till the papers are signed, possibly.  at any rate, it looks like that part's off our plate.  thank you to all my angels looking out for us!

my little balcony garden is coming along.  so very happy about that.  we've had flowers this spring, and are now going for a few veggies, maybe a melon.  hot diggety!!!  i can write hot diggety!!!, but i don't feel it. 

so, lots of positive news for me.  am finding it hard to take it in, feel the goodness.  it feels like part of the old me who didn't rejoice about good things coming my way.  instead, taking it for granted in their acceptance.  another lump of stuff inside me. it's a strange feeling in one sense, but one i've felt so many times over so many years.  maybe i don't know how to rejoice inside me, maybe it's all about taking the good things in stride like i take the bad things in stride.  i just acknowledge it and move on.  sad way to live a life, i suppose.  maybe that's why my eyes have held noticeable sadness forever.

Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journey 23
« on: May 17, 2023, 01:45:08 PM »
argh!  those things that are out of our control can really throw a wrench into our own sense of calm, rainy.  hang tough, ok?  and, for sure, i can't wait till this school year is over for you.  you've shown so much courage and determination getting thru it.  well done!  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: 2022
« on: May 17, 2023, 01:42:16 PM »
well done, notalone!  that's quite an achievement!  one foot in front of the other, right? 

also thinking of you as you go thru your other situation.  standing right beside you.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Eerie Anne's Journal
« on: May 16, 2023, 11:37:57 PM »
EA, i hope you can find some confidence in knowing that you continue to take the risk by returning to such an environment in order to survive and that you have survived it in the past.  i also hope someday you will find a different place that will provide you with what you need, one that is not toxic.  we do what we can  to maintain our integrity, no matter what the risk.  it's been my life, and the lives of many others here.  and we are still here.  sending love and a hug filled w/ support.  :hug:

helping to build a little getaway for you, DD.  may you find a little rest, some peace, and comfort.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: FINDING MY FEELINGS
« on: May 15, 2023, 11:10:54 PM »
moondance, i feel the same way about my D's not having children - so glad they didn't.  both of them have been wounded, and there is a great deal of mental illness in my family, some of which was unknown until much later.  so, we have the families we have, and i include this forum as part of that.  family of choice - i've heard that term for many years, and i'm living it in real time now.  most of my FOO is dead, so that problem's been taken off the board for me years ago. 

also, thank you for being here.  you're a valuable member.  love and hugs :hug:

hey, DD, i, too, utilize EMDR therapy (also am one) and have found it, indeed, to be very helpful for trauma.  i'm glad you found something that helps you.  those memories can wreak havoc w/ our day-to-day living, come out of nowhere at times.  so very glad you are beginning to feel happy, and feel safe and loved.  yay!  love and hugs  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Forging New Paths
« on: May 15, 2023, 04:50:14 PM »
glad to hear you're feeling better, blueberry.  hope that continues.  i also hope you get done what needs doing.  with you all the way.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Sage's Journal
« on: May 15, 2023, 04:46:57 PM »
so glad you enjoyed your nite out, CF.  i've gone to those homestyle murder mysteries and thought they were a hoot!  i never guessed right, but had a good time anyway.

keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

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