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armee, your kind words, encouragement, understanding, i just gobble it up.  thank you.

under the retraumatizing/EF's posting, i detailed what's going on now. this is hurting my D so badly, which in turn hurts me, besides bringing up all the ways her F/my ex did the exact same thing to me, 2 major things which essentially broke our marriage. to see him doing the same to her - all of it to appease D1, who is making him choose between her and her sister, holding him hostage cuz she's very sick and possibly going to die from this illness and if he doesn't do what she wants she told him she didn't want him w/ her while she dies.

this has gotten to the point where my D finally told him what he's doing is hurting her, hurting me, and if he didn't stand up to D1, then she couldn't be a part of this anymore.  she broke up w/ him yesterday, told him he had to make a decision, that she wasn't going to be part of this, and to let her know when he decides.  i give her a lot of credit for standing up to him (she's already gone NC w/ her sister about 7 yrs. ago).

and her sister also sent emails to her (D) with more of the same garbage she's sent in the past.  this is taking its toll on my D, which is also taking a toll on me.  i've been thru this scenario before w/ him - he chose D1 over me - so i'm reliving the nightmare of this dynamic thru my D.  our place is so full of stress and tension right now, it's nearly suffocating.  i know my body is reacting badly to it.

i can't believe this is happening.  on the other hand, i'm not surprised.  been here, done that.  am now here again.  too much, just way too much.

armee, you said exactly what i needed to hear, especially about the cigarettes, and i thank you immensely for that.

things have taken a turn for the worst, now, as my D is now estranged from her F/my ex.  D1 had him send another email espousing more crapola that she told him to sign on that he was in agreement w/ everything it said, none of which was true, against my D. he did exactly that, so, even tho he told my D he didn't agree w/ it, it's another list of false accusations against my D which aren't true but are now fodder to be used against her by D1, as well as hurting my D that he would put his name to this simply to appease her sister.

she told him he needed to make some decisions cuz this is now affecting her negatively, hurting her and me, and that he's now *&((^^(''d cuz his name is on those lists and D1 has a copy.  but, true to form, yesterday he came back at her, presumably w/ the same kind of crapola, (she wouldn't tell me - she's too upset, i think) and she basically told him she's not ok w/ this anymore, he needed to make a decision, and when he does to let her know. 

this is driving me absolutely crazy.  it's a similar scenario i went thru w/ him that contributed to the breakup of our marriage.  he chose D1 over me.  i'd told him i couldn't live w/ her anymore just before i left for a vacation (this was also the time he told me he knew i was stressed so if i wanted to sleep w/ someone i knew in mexico to go ahead and do that - he basically gave me away).  but when i returned home, there she was, and when i confronted him about it he told me he wasn't going to put his daughter out on the street.

so, i know this scenario w/ him extremely well, and my heart is hurting that my D has to learn how unholy his allegiance is to D1, even to the detriment of his relationship w/ his other daughter.  it's like living in a nightmare - again!  separate circumstances yet the same.  i can't cry, have to be there for my D, so have to keep up the brave face, even while i've gone thru exactly what she's going thru, but she doesn't want me to say anything against him, so i also can't tell her i understand, that i know this scenario all too well.  god, help me, please

blueberry, thanks so much. they're just right! 

hope, thanks for recognizing how much is in this piece of what i'm dealing with. i gobbled up your care and concern and are keeping them close to my heart.

every day is now a waiting game in this life and death struggle my D1 is going thru.  on top of the financial stuff, if we'll have to leave our apt., the disability ruling. i'm so caught up in this spider's web of stress and tension, my body's beginning to react to it once more.  just when i was feeling better . . .     

i wanted to write this on the 'having a terrible day' board, but i couldn't find it.

i just found out my oldest daughter (D1), is severely ill, may die at any time, just waiting for the call. my head is splitting right now, feels like it wants to explode.




****************TW*******************
SI in the past  threat of death from illness now



nearly 30 yrs. ago, this same D1 had many suicidal gestures, ODing many times, stays at the psych ward, and i never knew if/when i would get a call that she was found dead. yesterday i found out she's got a terrible virus that's lodged in her liver, it could kill her at any time even tho she's getting treatment, so i'm reliving the nightmare of waiting for the news that she didn't make it.

*************************end TW***********************




today, altho i'm holding myself together as best as i can, i can feel the stress and tension coursing thru my body, wreaking havoc on my system, my mind, my brain. i realized today i'm reliving the trauma of 30 yrs. ago in real time.

i have therapy in the morning, but i'm beside myself tonite, don't feel like sleeping, just want to smoke, or run around our apt. screaming and tearing my hair out. i'm on the verge of tears, so very sad my D1 is going thru another medical emergency, but there's nothing i can do about it. i had to go NC w/ her nearly 9 yrs. ago, she hates me now, will have nothing to do w/ me, our entire family has been afraid of her forever, she's now holding her father (my ex) hostage with her anger for her sister (the D i live w/ now) by forcing him to write an email about all perceived grievances D1 holds against D - years and years of this - and telling my D that he agreed w/ D1 about it. She had him cc her to make sure he sent it.

he told my D he didn't agree, but D1 told him if he didn't send it, she wouldn't allow him to be with her when she dies.  i reached out to her to offer comfort, prayers, healing energy, didn't know if i had the right email for her anymore, asked my ex to affirm that where i sent this was her correct email, he wrote back telling me she doesn't want to hear from me and if that changes, he'd let me know.  that was it.

it was another example of him sticking up for her over me, again, the same dynamic of 30 yrs. before, double trauma just like before. so, i just sent what i wanted to say, don't have any idea if she received it, don't expect an answer if she did, unless it's a F*** YOU!  she doesn't even call me mom anymore.  my mother heart is shredded, i'm at my wit's end, and i don't know if she's even going to be alive tomorrow.  i'm drowning. help! i can't take this crapola anymore.  it really is too much.  hugs, please.

thank you god for my darling D who is so caring, kind, and patient w/ me. she's the only thing that's keeping me alive.  this is * on her, too.  D loves her sister, but wants nothing to do w/ her at all after this last trick she's pulled.

i'm beside myself, rambling, head hurts, going for a cig tho it's way too late. right now i don't care. i did everything i could, i really did. she's turned into the most terrible person to the people who have loved her the most. it' terrifying, sad, crazy-making, angering, and i don't know what else is inside there - those are the only ones i recognize. horrifying. how is this person my daughter? i can't help her

thank you, armee - i got thru today.  i kept telling myself - i did what i could, i did what i could. when i told my D that, she said 'you did more than you could, and it damaged you a lot'. i'll make it till tomorrow.  love your support. 

i realized this evening i'm living this nightmare over again, back to the days when D1 was in her teens, and we never knew if/when the phone call would come.  my D came out of her room tonite, immediately the thought entered my mind 'D1 is dead'.  i told her and she said if she'd heard that - my ex would tell her - she'd say 'i've got bad news' so i didn't have to think it beforehand.  any little bit is helping right now.

i can feel the tension i'm holding inside, it's buzzing like angry bees throughout my body. i'm holding it all in as much as possible, but i've begun walking up and down the stairs of the building because of the disturbance inside me. this is a new trauma i'm living thru in real time which harkens back to the same trauma i lived thru w/ D1 back then - 30 yrs. ago.

will this never end??

thank you narckiddo.  i appreciate it so much.   

the past 2 days have felt like i've been slashed across my body several times.  i don't know what to do w/ this. my D1 has erased me from her life, has announced a page full of accusations against her sister, perceived wrongdoings, and expected their father to give my D the list saying he agree w/ all of them, that if he didn't, she wouldn't allow him to be w/ her when she was dying (apparently this liver virus she has can kill in a matter of days - so, we're also on tenterhooks about whether she'll be alive tomorrow or not. she's been running a fever for days, they can't get it down, she won't go to the hospital cuz she's afraid of getting covid and, in her words, 'dying anyway'.)

so, another traumatic experience to add to the pile i carry while i wait to learn whether my D1 lives or dies. too much.

i remember when i first named this journal that someone told me they were glad to see me get real w/ my emotions.  since this journal began, the doom and gloom in it is a wonder to behold, in my mind.  i am farther downhill away from healing than ever, it seems to me.  i don't know.  maybe it's my outlook that's gloomy. feels like i can't get a toehold when some other catastrophic something comes along and knocks me on my patoot. as i get older and continue to have to deal w/ major life problems, willing myself to stay alive and/or sane, just like physically, it's harder to get up, keep my balance, recover, and get some kind of brighter outlook again.  just help me get thru this day.

thank you so, hope. love the hug.

you brought tears to my eyes, armee.  i'm keeping those hugs w/ me all day.  thank you.

another anger bud peeped up as well - my D told me that if her sis dies, she wouldn't go to the funeral but she'd want to be there for her F.  i know he has friends and family there, and my immediate thought was 'what about me?' the idea that she'd leave me alone - i have no friends or family here except for her - for at least a week wrenched at my heart.  what a frickin' mire, a swamp of despair closing over my head.

more drama.  D1 is very sick, docs are working on her, we don't know what's going to happen.  she won't go to the hospital cuz of covid, and i guess her landlady and a couple friends are looking in on her.  i'm hearing everything piecemeal, nothing from my ex about it - he called my D and told her it's looking pretty bad.

i'm messy and numb at the same time.  i reached out to her, even tho it's been almost 9 yrs. since we've been in contact w/ each other. plus, she's managing to rain down awfulness on our family, still. apparently, she gave a list to my ex, grievances against her sister (my D), and wanted him to send them to my D saying he agreed w/ them (he doesn't) or she didn't want him to be with her when she died.  holding him hostage like that, well,  . . .

so, along w/ my own emotional mess, i also got mad at her last nite for continuing to try to convince those who love her the most, have given to and supported her the most (all the while she tells others no one gives a crapola about her), that each other is vile and evil and horrible. my D told me she had brainwashed my ex about me like that, that he had asked my D about all the things D1 had said to him about me, and my D was able to tell him none of it was true.

ok, gotta stop.  my gut is going nuts.  i just feel awful.

thanks for that validation, armee. i appreciate it so much. my mind went to the hostages across the globe - they have nothing but imprisonment.  i guess i'm feeling imprisoned in a certain way - i have no power nor control over what's happening, what might happen, what could happen.  hostage in my skin. 

thank you for the well wishes, narckiddo. i'm staying sane on things like you said. thank you.

my D is also so very worried.  i'm trying to cuddle up against thinking about any of this, trying to get from one day to the next, but she talks about it and her fears stir me up, clench my gut.  i want to cry, but the tears won't come.  maybe one day . . .

thanks for the hug, larry.  so appreciated.

armee, i know this, and it's comforting.  thank you so for reinforcing it.  it helps a lot.

my stomach is churning right now at the thought of writing anything about what i'm going thru.  it's so horrible to live this way.  and the thought - well, others in the world have it worse than you - just rolled thru my brain, like how dare i call my situation horrible?  frickin' trauma brain.  i hate every minute of this.

thank you, armee, for your strength, power, and assuredness - it puts more weapons in my arsenal, and i so very appreciate it.   

it's been difficult to write about any of this.  financial talks w/ my D spell mostly doom and gloom, and the prospect of moving in a few months.  we've run out of resources, unless the disability comes thru, which  . . . it doesn't look good. just doing my best to stay sane thru it all.  it's all i've got right now. way way too much.

thanks, blueberry.  you brought a much-needed smile to my face and heart.

i love you, too, armee.  your gesture is so nurturing and generous, i thank you so for that. good news is that i got my tooth fixed yesterday, and the dentist was very caring and gentle.  day of recovery but today things finally feel normal in my mouth.  so, some of the suffering is truly gone.  i hope you have disposed of it properly!  lol!!!

thank you, blueberry, so very much. i'm still working on getting my tooth fixed. yesterday i had an appt., went to the place at the allotted time, but the van (it's a mobile dental clinic) never showed.  found out later it had problems. now i'm at square one, still trying to get in.  ugh! 

i remember a member asking me how do i start being able to cry?  i used shows, at times.  when i began sniffling/crying at something on the screen, there were times when i could turn that on my self and my life and the tears would turn into sobs. it was a very painful experience.

lately, i've been breaking into tears for my own circumstances, w/o any outside 'push'. i've cried 3 times in the past few days for various reasons, and it completely surprised me. this was a different kind of crying than i'm used to - usually tears would only fall for myself if their had been a buildup of situations/circumstances and i 'boiled over' so to speak.  or once when i was pregnant and my hub#1 told me he didn't want to be married anymore. i'm guessing hormones played a big part in that.

i don't know why the tears are coming now. one was for a computer thing i couldn't figure out, which left me feeling helpless and useless.  still hasn't been taken care of, but my D hasn't had time to help me w/ it.  once was last nite when my D suggested we just go to where the dental van will be parked this morning, tell them what happened yesterday, see if they'll fit me in.  then she remembered we have groceries being delivered this morning, and i fell apart, head in hands, tears streaming down my face.  (we did get the delivery time changed, so we'll see what happens w/ the dentist.)

i'm so flat, feel like i'm living a nightmare.  these tears are probably normal, but they feel anything but that. so strange.  i'm overflowing w/ tension and stress and i can feel it. this is too much for me anymore and i'm afraid i'm at last in the beginning stages of shutting down.