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Messages - sanmagic7

#6046
General Discussion / Re: Breaking a trauma bond
October 24, 2017, 06:11:40 PM
that trauma bond, as you put it, can be nasty.  i fight against it regularly with people with whom i've gone nc.  it's an ongoing battle, over years and with more than one individual.  i just keep telling myself to remember how bad it was and how there's nothing i can do to make it better.  it's a little easier over time.  i don't know if i can get over it completely.  still a work in progress.  thanks for sharing.  big hug.
#6047
ibuprofen has helped me feel better from 'stress flu' for many, many years.  i don't know how much i might be hurting myself with it, but i take it only when i can't stand how i'm feeling, and that feeling has lasted several hours.  i also believe that i have inflammation problems, altho they've never showed up on any lab tests, etc.  still, the proof, at least for me, is in the pudding. 

thanks for this, james.  it helped reaffirm my self-medicating was on the right track.
#6048
Medication / Re: Venlafaxine experiences?
October 24, 2017, 06:03:53 PM
i was on it for several years.  at first it worked well for me in ridding me of my depression.  after awhile, tho, i, too, had disturbing side effects, especially with not being able to trust my legs.  i read up on it, read about side effects, and what it took to get off it.  from all accounts, it can be nasty to wean off of.   it took me about 4 months to be able to get off it without any harm.

have you talked to your shrink about this?   i think that would be a first good move.  it may be that your system doesn't tolerate it well.  especially of concern to me is that you haven't been on it that long and the side effects are already problematic.   i've had that issue with other anti-depressants, where it didn't take long to know they weren't helping me.

unfortunately, finding the right anti-depressant is often experimental in nature.  what works for one may be totally not ok for another.  this sounds like it needs to go back to the professionals, have them help you with what's going on.  you should be getting relief, not problems.   best to you, and a big hug.
#6049
General Discussion / Re: cyber hugs needed!
October 24, 2017, 05:54:56 PM
i'm in!

:hug:   :hug:   :hug: 
#6050
General Discussion / Re: Orchids in the ditches
October 24, 2017, 05:53:45 PM
james, quite inspirational as well as admirable.  thank you.  so hopeful.  absolutely beautiful alongside the terror of the realizations.  very brave.  big hug to you with all sorts of support.
#6051
General Discussion / Re: I'm ready to leave him
October 24, 2017, 05:50:07 PM
i understand how difficult it is to come to such a decision, having done it with several people in my life.  i totally agree with the balance, when the scales tip too far in the direction of abuse, that's when i knew it was time to go.  you absolutely deserve a life of kindness and caring.  sending you a hug filled with encouragement and strength.  you go!
#6052
barbidoll, that t absolutely deserves to be written up, and it has nothing to do with you being a gritch or any other word you might use about yourself.  what she did was wrong, plain and simple.  there was no compassion shown, no respect for your boundaries, and certainly a very narrow perspective on the big picture that's going on.

i get that once again your ex came out looking like the good guy, and your son is being reduced to lying in order for his father to retain that image.  i've been there.  i had an ex like that, so i relate completely.  our t at the time (a woman) was also a woman-hater (i heard that from several people, including other professionals) so in her eyes my ex could do no wrong.  she even took to blaming me for his addictions.

anyway, i totally relate to your predicament, and my heart is with you.  what a scuzzbucket!  sorry, i just came up with something to yell that i could write here!

and, andy, i totally believe you, and my heart is with you as well.  this notion that men should feel shame about being abused, or that they can't be victims of dv or sexual assault is bullsquirt, too.  ugh!  i am sick to death of these prejudices.

sending hugs to both of you filled with strength and love. 
#6053
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope66's Journal
October 24, 2017, 05:26:04 PM
you know, hope,  i also have fear about meeting several people from my life who have hurt me.  one of them is my sister, the other is my daughter.  i see it as a rational fear, tho, one that is important for me to acknowledge, pay attention to, and above all, heed.

i don't think it's my little me that feels that fear, tho.  i believe it is the adult me.  those two especially have been mean, nasty, and hurtful to me in so many ways for so many years, i think it is a form of self-care to stay away from both.  i don't need to stand up to either of them, or to prove anything.  i simply don't want them and their ways in my life.  they're scary people.

just saying that i'm glad you're respecting that bigger part that's telling you it's not a good idea to meet up with your sis.   you've got enough on your plate without more drama, especially of the hurtful kind.

also wanted to acknowledge your strength and courage for writing about your work situation.  i don't see you as a failure at all.  i think careers, like anything else, work differently for everyone.  for some, one career can last a lifetime.  for others, it has its season and then it's time to move on.   just like relationships, to my mind.

thanks for sharing, hope.  sending you a warm, loving hug.
#6054
Recovery Journals / Re: Each Day A Blank Page
October 24, 2017, 05:12:55 PM
i'm really glad for you that you were able to call in to work and take the day for yourself (altho not glad at all that you kept getting bothered with work stuff while at home.  that doesn't seem right.  a mental health day is in order to take a break from the work stuff, right?)

hope you get the sleep stuff figured out.  that's a gritch all by itself.  am interested in how it goes for you for those 3 months.  best to you with that.  big hug to you filled with calm and soothing.
#6055
sceal,

the only time i can remember feeling the feeling of joy is when my oldest daughter took her first step.  it washed over me so completely (i was 31 at the time) that i knew what it was even tho i'd never felt it before.  i don't remember feeling it since, either.

i know that my lack of feeling emotions comes from the alexithymia i have which pretty much prevents me from recognizing, understanding, or verbalizing how i feel.   i'd be interested to know what kind of concern your t is talking about.   that may be something for you to ask at your next session.

in the meantime, i don't think it's something for you to worry about.  you'll either feel it or you won't.  i don't know what not feeling joy means for you, or why your t would be 'concerned'.  i hope you get an explanation for that. 

sending you a hug filled with mindfulness and calm.
#6056
Emotional Abuse / Re: My story - feelings of loss
October 24, 2017, 04:53:34 PM
i've had bullies in my life, and can totally relate to grieving what i've lost, what could have been, and what never was.  sometimes i feel like that's all i'm doing is grieving because there's been so much related to loss.  just want you to know you're not alone.  sending a hug filled with compassion.
#6057
hey, dr,

i think it's a positive thing that you were able to feel that heartwarming feeling come over you.  to me it says that the part of you that intrinsically has known from the time you were born that you deserve help, care, comfort, love, and kindness is still alive, if only a spark.  still, that spark can be fanned into a brilliant flame.  by coming here, you've taken the first step in fanning that spark.

we were born knowing what we deserve, and we were very vocal about getting those needs met.  it's the messages that were louder and stronger than our own that drowned out our own knowing.   i believe we can defeat this c-ptsd beast with love, and everything love entails.  it will restore our knowing as we keep moving in recovery.

so glad you're here.  sending you a hug filled with gentleness and nurturing.
#6058
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Saying what's up
October 24, 2017, 04:32:51 PM
really good insight, ah, on self-care with this stuff.  it definitely can become overwhelming if we take in too much too fast.  i learned that the hard way.  so, flower, your pace, your recovery.  each step, no matter how small, counts.  you've got this.  sending you a hug filled with insight and comfort.
#6059
Recovery Journals / Re: ch. 3 70's survival
October 24, 2017, 01:50:42 AM
blueberry, thank you so much.  even an imaginary candle counts in my book.  it will be lighting my way along with the rest of them, and giving me warmth as well.  and thank you both for reaffirming for me that it's ok for me to be pissy about this.  i'm so not used to that being ok.  people usually get really upset when i get mad, and somehow i end up being hurt because of it.  a pattern in my life.

i appreciate you all so much, i can't even begin to tell you.  big hug to you.
#6060
Recovery Journals / Re: ch. 3 70's survival
October 23, 2017, 05:49:06 PM
awww, sceal, how very sweet.  3 candles, the darkness isn't quite as black.  thank you so much.  unbelievable!

i was probing the area on my scalp that the doc pretty much cleared when he took the biopsies, and felt the creeping crud growing and showing more once again.  it sent me into a pretty bad funk this morning.   if it's growing this quickly in a month, i can't imagine what it's done in 10 yrs.  not good food for thought.

i'm afraid i'm just a bummer here these past weeks.   i am not feeling well mentally or emotionally.  my body is in more pain than ever.  i feel nearly paralyzed by stress.  this is the one place i feel ok to just let this out, get it outside of me, see it on the screen. 

ok, that brought on a bought of anger, and my bed paid the price.  it felt good, tho, pounding it out.  i have a bit more energy right this minute.  i am so p.o'd about this!!!  dang, i hate that this is happening to me.  good - righteous anger to the fore.  blast those incompetents who let this grow for so long.  i hate them all!!!