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ya know, tea, i'm one who never re-reads my journals, either here or at home.  i'm glad it's something that helps you see yourself more clearly.  for me, it just would bring back neg. memories, and would set me back, bring me distress.  just one more example of how this stuff works differently for everyone.

you are moving forward - i've seen it.  maybe you haven't accomplished everything you wanted to do yet, but there's time.  when it's your time, it'll happen.  and i love your signature.  it's so very caring and nurturing.  beautiful.

keep up the good work, tea.  big hug to you.

pooh to your inner critic.  you have just as much right, and so much to give by reaching out to the rest of us.  i so appreciate your kind words and thoughts, berceuse, and very very glad to know that you don't feel alone in this mess (ain't that the truth!) anymore.

you're as valuable here as anyone else, and your thoughts and opinions are just as valid.  take that! inner critic!!  a pox on thee.  (i'm not a fan of inner critics - too stifling.)  i'm so glad you're here and that you do continue to reach out.  it makes a wonderful difference.  thank you.   a big hug filled with love and caring to you.

my dearest wife2,

such profound emotions - i feel them.  my younger d was in a similar situation, albeit not w/ autism.  my older d was rife with mental illness nearly all her life, and younger d got ignored because of it as well.  i'm sure she could relate greatly to your feelings.

no, it's not fair, not too you, not to her.  it is a shame and a sorrow in my heart.  but, it's on me, not on her.  whatever happened, it was on me (and her father, for what that's worth).  just like it's on your father, not on you.  he just never took responsibility for his decisions.  instead, he put them on you so you could carry that tremendous burden for him.  that was absolutely not fair, nor was it right.

the idea of you trying so hard to unburden yourself from this and not succeeding - i suspect it's because you're working in a 'negative' atmosphere.  you know, one that continues to suck the air out no matter how many oxygen hoses you utilize in your attempt to fill that black hole.  it's an impossibility because you're trying to breathe in a vacuum.

the idea of being human in all its facets can be daunting, but human you are, my dear.  i can tell you till i'm blue in the face that none of this was your fault, therefore none of it is your fault.  however, it isn't until you can tell yourself and believe it that this demon will dissipate.  you were born into a neg. situation, and it was up to the adults to deal with it in a caring, gentle, loving manner.  that's what you deserved.

i am heartsore that you went thru this, that you were blamed, that you are the one living unhappily because of it.  my younger d still has issues with me (i don't know if she holds her father responsible at all, or if she's talked to him about it.  she's talked to me, and still can't get past some of it, even tho she's finally nc with her sister and understands.  still . . .) because of our family dynamic.  this is no easy task to perform, to get out from under.   

we are libra sisters, i guess.  my b-day is the 7th.   my gift for you is the wish that you can finally throw that yoke of responsibility off your shoulders where it will be trampled into the ground by 100 oxen, never to be a weight for you to carry again.  with all love and angel wings to embrace you, i salute your honesty.  you've got nothing to be ashamed of or to apologize for.  you deserved better. 

i really like that suggestion about minding your energy levels.  it puts it into a tangible place, something you can quantify and know with more certainty.  i would think that would be very grounding as well.   i'm going to start doing that with myself, cuz i don't always know when it's time to 'go home'.  thanks for sharing that, sceal.

i'm really glad you learned about dissociation for yourself.  i do believe that when we can name these beasts, we have a much better chance of dealing with them head on and making them more manageable.    and i also say 'good for you'  for facing your fears one more time and not letting them stop you.

i think ranting and getting the poison out is one of the best things we can do for ourselves at times.  glad you were able to do so.  keep taking care of you as best you can.  sending a hug filled with mindfulness and courage.

hi, nssg,

i am an emdr therapist, so i know a bit about the process.  my guess would be that as long as you're making progress, it's doing well for you.  as far as emdr deteriorating symptoms, i'm not sure about that because i haven't had that experience.  if i were you, i'd talk to my t about those concerns.  it may be that some core stuff is coming up, which can be more difficult for the mind to process, or that what you're working on needs to slow down a bit because you're having a harder time adjusting to changes.

letting your t know about this could give him/her a heads up that something else is going on besides the type of processing you've experienced in the past, and s/he can make adjustments in your approach accordingly.  best to you with this.  i'd be interested to know what becomes of it, if you'd care to share.   

allie, if i may suggest - know in your own heart that you have your own truth, and it is the right one for you.  your perspective is yours, your opinions are yours, and your worldview is yours, and they are all valid.  you don't have to argue with anyone, don't have to try to get them to hear you, and you don't have to try to persuade them that there is another way.

you can just back out of their stuff and know that your own is true and right for you.  they may believe they are right, they may not want to listen to you or your viewpoints, but they are not you, don't live your life, and don't have your history.  they have nothing on you at all.

it is nothing but frustrating to be around people like that.   i'm listening, i hear you, i validate you.  i'm sure there are others here who feel the same way.   just take care of yourself as best you can.  big hug full of warmth, caring, and peace.

you go, kat.  keep fighting the good fight.  it'll happen.  same for you, jdk.  it's our warrior spirit that won't let us just sit and do nothing, that keeps us looking and learning.  here's to us - i'm toasting with pink lemonade!  big hug!

thanks, sweetie.  back atcha!   

i'm so glad you wrote, berceuse.  thank you very much for your thoughts.  they are appreciated indeed.  each one gives me just that much more strength.  big hug to you, sweetie.

such a big heart it is, sweetie.  earth mother spirit gathering you in while you're sick.  rest in her arms, safe and warm, healing vibes swirling around you.  a crown of healing herbs for your head, voluminous skirts to keep the chills away, and nothing but the best virtual soup ever known to humankind!  hope you feel better soon.

hey, sceal,

the truth is that you are clever and persistent enough.  the beast you are battling, however, is bigger and stronger than we ever imagined.  no wonder you're exhausted!  then, trying to study and retain other info on top of that?  wowser bowser! 

we can only do so much when this beast is climbing up our backs.  i just hope that you can be patient with yourself.  you're doing the best you can, and that's good enough.   

i give you a lot of credit for giving your education another go after the setbacks you've had.  it'll happen.  you've got that warrior spirit that keeps moving toward your goal.  sending you a hug filled with strength and resolution. 

dear, sweet berceuse, this c-ptsd beast just about does us in at times, i surely can relate to that.  it is so wearing, so exhausting to continue to battle for ourselves, battle against what we were taught about ourselves that doesn't allow us to see the beauty, grit, and glory of who we really are.

it tears me up at times, brings me to my knees at times, and enrages me as well.  this just is not right.

i'll be seeing a t this week with trepidation.  i've had so many bad experiences with them, but i know i need some help.  she's supposed to be versed in trauma - we'll see how far that goes.  i'm guarded.

happily, this forum has been a life-saver for me in all this time i've either had no t or incompetence to deal with.  all my years of therapy/counseling, and i've never been diagnosed correctly, either.  generalized anxiety at the most, but never have i ever been seen as being traumatized and what needs to be done to overcome that.

so, much of my progress has been thru reading and writing, and absorbing as much as i can the care and concern and understanding i've found here.  hang tough, berceuse - i'm hangin' right beside you.  sending you a hug filled with love, care, and compassion for what you've gone thru. 

you do my heart so good, my darling candid.  a coven of love.  a loven.  made me smile.

and here's that hug right back atcha, sweetie     

wise words from a wise woman - you really CAN'T keep a good woman down. 

i'm tired, but doing ok.  this stuff just gets wearing.  so, i'll wear it out, dammit!  with a little help from my friends.  yeah, yeah, yeah.

i agree with dee about being programmed in some way to not trust ourselves.  if we were always told that our decisions were wrong, we have nothing solid to pull from. 

this can happen adulthood as well.  i've met so many people who, if you ask 'what do you want to eat' will almost automatically reply 'it doesn't matter' or 'i don't care'.  too often this stems from having a decision stomped on by someone who asked the question in the first place.  if you actually said what you wanted to eat, and they responded, 'o, i don't want that, let's eat this instead', and that kind of thing happened enough times, you just shut down. 

i don't know if any of this pertains to you, but i do know that i came to adulthood with no opinions on anything.  i was always told what to do and was expected to obey blindly, no questions asked.  my thoughts/opinions were denied continuously until i simply buried them. 

it is a matter of survival as we believed it to be.  be gentle on yourself, indeed.  this is a slow, sometimes tedious process, but i do believe that as you continue in recovery, you'll get to where you want to go.  sending you a hug filled with confidence.

blueberry, i'm really sorry that you continue to struggle with this.  it seems to me, tho, that you are making progress.  small steps at times, maybe they even feel tiny, but i still see progress.  you are learning more and more about yourself and your propensity to self-harm, and i always think information can be valuable.

my d used to have a problem with 'sitting still', 'not doing anything'.  i'd tell her that we all have to take breaks at times, and during those times we are still doing something - we are allowing the healing process to continue.  it took her quite a while to be able to understand that healing is, indeed, doing something important for our lives and the lives of those around us.

i'm really glad your t was able to point that out to you.   just a thought:  i know you do tapping.  have you ever discussed tapping about your emotions?  may be something to talk to your t about as to how that process would look.  one at a time, or even a piece of one, since your tricho what-not is to escape feeling them.

however you go about your journey, tho, i want you to know that i fully support you blueberry.  i think you're amazing.  sending a loving, accepting hug your way, accepting that whatever decision you make is exactly the right one for you at the time.  (that's one i need to remind myself about!)