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thank you blueberry and alarrah.  the strength i get from this place has continued to get me thru one more day. 

i know worry does nothing good, but it sneaks in nonetheless.  the fact that this carcinoma has not been treated for maybe 10 yrs., which was when i first noticed it and brought it to the att'n of doctors, is blindsiding me.  i know already that it's spread on the surface of my scalp in 2 different ways - both the scaly patches and the tumor have grown.  actually, there's another small tumor that i've just noticed a few months ago.

all the literature says that if this is caught early, there's no problem.  the doc is very happy that it isn't what he first thought it was, and seems sure that it will all be taken care of.   i have no trust because it's been so long.   i don't know how deep it might have gone by now.  there's not much meat between scalp and cranium.

crap.  i'm just driving myself crazy, and i still have a month to go.  i'm not afraid of dying or of being dead.  that doesn't frighten me.  it's what might be on the way, like pain and such, that bothers me.  i've been in pain for way too long, and even this biopsy has been painful.  i'm still taking advil every day cuz it's so uncomfortable even as it's healing.

just venting here, tears in my eyes.  i'm ready for this to be over.  time for more distraction.

i hope your appt. goes well tomorrow and you are able to get satisfaction.  sending you a big hug full of courage and confidence in knowing you deserve the best care possible.

glad to hear it.

i've also done this, dee, and it was very helpful.  i'm no artist by any means, but i was able to draw feelings easier than i was able to explain them, even to myself.   i got a lot of clarity in all cases, and it also helped with annihilating depression when it crept in again.   

i'm a big proponent of it.  i worked with an art teacher for troubled adolescent girls, and we utilized art a lot with them, too.  very powerful stuff, lots of stuff they could get out of their systems, put on paper, so that it wasn't building up inside them anymore.   it wasn't always coherent pictures, either, but employed scribbles and color as well.  it was just a visual manifestation of a multitude of crapola roiling around inside.  but, they all loved getting it out, and it caused much more stability for them (and for me, too, when i was doing my own.)

just my experience.  big hug, dee.

i  have had several t's during the course of 30 yrs.  some have bailed, some have harmed me, some i've fired.  i've got a new one lined up at the end of the month.   i don't know what to expect anymore.

the only thing i can think of is to ask your t is she is going to last beyond the 7 months, that it's important for you to know because of your history.   if she says no, or waffles on the answer, my suggestion is to ask her to make sure you are set up with someone else before she goes,  because it is too traumatic to be abruptly dismissed again.

i would definitely be straightforward with her on this.  this is your process, your money, your life, and it all deserves to be treated carefully, caringly, and gently.   i've heard of t's who will help make the transition smoother by even sitting in for a session or two with the new t (if that's what this comes down to.)   

i'm just so very sorry this has happened to you.  i can definitely understand your concern and trepidation.  do you think that your lack of progress has something to do with what's gone on before?  if so, i'd absolutely put it out there, straightforward, and expect a straightforward answer.  (i actually just did that with a doc, and he's been extremely helpful and supportive ever since.  it's been quite amazing to me.)  you have that power in this type of relationship.

best to you with this.  i hope you get some satisfaction.   big hug.

got the appt. for surgery today.  oct. 19.  3-8 hrs.  moh's surgery.  right now i'm not coping well, am overwhelmed by all this setting up dates and times for appts. and coordinating those with rides.  i went on overload this morning.  will have 2 therapy appts. before it, so i hope that helps, altho that will be stressful as well.  have reached my stress limit and gone over.  need some time to just veg out now.  one step at a time.  breathe.  this, too, shall pass.

yeah, i know all the words.  nothing sticks right now.   it feels too much for me.  give me the strength to make it thru this day, please.

so, this is a day of phone calls, which i dread.  not having my own phone doesn't help as i have to rely on my landlady's house phone.  plus, the rideshare place is always a callback kind of thing.  just a lot of back and forth stuff that i'm not fond of.

i'll be so glad when all the doc stuff gets down to a routine maintenance kind of thing.  for now, there is so much stuff that's medically related, both for me and my d.  ugh!  it's just a bit wearing.  think i'll rock on the porch while waiting for a call back.  that sounds relaxing, at least.

i've had a bunch of people like that in my life, and it's just so frustrating.   i would think this is someone to share with, then get lost in that person's story, experience, situation, whatever. 

i finally decided that, with those kinds of people, i can be sociable and keep the relationship at a lighter level.  they could be fun to do things with, but as far as personal stuff went, i saved that for other people or situations.

i don't know if this is helpful but wanted to let you know i hear ya.  i hope you are able to find some resolution to your liking.  big hug to you, moonlight

a.a., it's such a horrible place to be, and i'm glad you wrote about it hear.  you did reach out, and that's a good thing.  it shows that there's a spark there that will not be extinguished.

i'm with the others, too, that the hotlines are there for help, for listening, and for options.  we never have to compare ourselves and our pain to that of others.  it's valid, and so are you.

glad you're feeling better, and hope your session with your t goes well tomorrow.  you sound a bit stronger now.  all the best, and a big hug filled with encouragement and comfort. 

you go, el.  sounds like you are putting pieces in place now that you have more time to focus on yourself.  very glad for you.   you're doing it, you little sweetheart!  so very proud to be part of your life.   big hug.

i'm pretty dependent on this place as well, and wasn't real pleased when it went down.  addicted?  don't know about that.  it's so comforting to me when i need that, makes me feel better about me, gives me a sense of purpose that i lost when i couldn't work anymore, and helps stabilize me when i'm feeling rocky.  i don't know if it's forever, but for now it's quite important to me on a lot of levels.

glad you stood your boundaries, sweetie.  that's terrific. 

your flc's were pretty active in your life.  i'm not surprised you're missing them.   that may take some time.

i'm sure you'll make the right decision for you about that weekend.  it sounds like it's helped you a lot in the past. 

keep taking care of you, blueberry.  you're so worth it.  love and a big hug.

personally, mftb, it doesn't sound like a rationalization to me.  it made perfect sense, unless we're rationalizing on the same wave length - hahaha!!!   

as far as your boyfriend goes, if it's working for you right now, so be it.  i think we need to be very personal and individual about these kinds of things.  i've heard others speak quite similarly about a relationship that wasn't 'together', so to speak, but it was what they were needing at the time.  no shame, no blame, no judgment.  we do what we can when we can.

i'm just so very glad you've gotten some sleep lately.  yahoo!!!   being someone who has sleep problems, i understand completely.  not being able to sleep is the worst.

progress is progress.  it all counts.  big hug to you.

we're taking those steps with you in spirit so that you can know that you're not fighting that voice on your own       call on us any time that voice gets too loud, and we'll help you shout it down.  pooh to you, voice!!!  you're not wanted here.!!!

done and done, bro.

i pictured this response before i even saw it.  you all are the best.  thank you so very much for all your support. 

tomorrow the doc and i will figure out when i'll get the surgery done.  until then, i'm on the porch, smelling those wonderful flowers and enjoying the company of everyone there.  you're beautiful, you really are.  fireworks - yep, an immediate smile.   muah!