Messages

i do believe everything happens for a reason, blueberry.  that client was irresponsible, consistently stepped over your boundaries, and is someone who does not want to look at herself and what she's doing.  you are finally out of that, and don't need to deal with it anymore.  she never deserved you.

i agree, you will now have time and energy for either other projects or appreciative clients.  you did real good, my dear.  big hug.

these mind tricks of ours, candid.  dang!

pondering this belief i had been holding beneath my exterior of i'm just fine, i'm more than fine, (and in the past, that i was perfect.  i did believe that because i had to), and i know i've explored some of this before, but i think this went to a deeper level. 

my defense mechanism has been to not show any of the 'baser' emotions, but always be patient, observant, and understanding, always make excuses for the foibles of others while not allowing myself to fall into the same cracks.   of course, my alexithymia helped me do this.  i wasn't afraid to tackle anything, even my own stuff, and i couldn't understand that fear in others, had no compassion for them, and expected compliments and kindnesses because i was always giving them out, was always doing the 'right' thing, so i was due them.

but i could never take them into my heart.  i expected them from others because my expectations for myself were so high.  i expected them, superficially acknowledged them, but never gave them a second thought because i was always looking for the next one.  i was a bottomless pit of wanting. 

so i never got enough, never recognized any of it because it was always overshadowed by what else i was getting from the people closest to me, which was the opposite of kindness.  i took it all in stride, never got mad, just began getting confused.  and eventually, sick.

i thought it was my job to put up with what people were dishing out to me.  my job.  that's what made me believe i had a lot of self-worth.  i did my job and i did it well.  i was great in my own eyes, didn't feel all these things i read about here that others struggle with.  i had flipped the tortilla, had a very strong persona to the point that people were (and sometimes still are) intimidated by me.  i was always the 5-star general leading the troops, giving commands, unaware of others' feelings or misgivings.  i was always sure of myself.

so, as the real me begins peeking her head out from under this take-no-prisoners tortilla, i'm finding truths about me that have been hidden for so long.  i admitted to my daughter that i'm not going to renew my dr. lic. next year cuz i'm scared to drive here.  she gave me an out - well, mom, that's understandable.  you've been driving in a small town for 15 yrs.  no freeways or any type of traffic, per se.

that was nice, but the truth is that i don't trust myself to be able to be safe on the road.  my neck is so stiff that i don't think i can turn it quickly enough to see what's coming.  i've driven umpteen thousand miles on my own, always loving being on the road, and now i'm scared to drive.  that's a tough one for me.

i'm not who i was, and it's not just cuz of age.  it's becoming a better version of me, but that in itself is frightening.  those core beliefs that i'm above and better than everybody else are crumbling.  i'm only another human being after all, average. 

average was never allowed me while i was growing up.  i had the intelligence, so i was expected to be better at grades than everyone else,  i pretty much was.  13th out of over 3000 kids in my class.  i had a superiority complex ingrained in me, and i lived it really well.

as i continue learning about myself, i'm pretty good at some things, but i'm not all that.  even as i write that, i don't want to fully believe it.  that's how insidious this training is that we've experienced.   brainwashed, and hung out to dry.  so what if parts are stunted because of it - we're still expected to act and think and make decisions as if everything had always been in place.

then we get down on ourselves for not being perfect, for not knowing all the answers, for having made mistakes, for surviving.  that brought some unshed tears behind my eyes.  so much pain might have been avoided had i not survived, not only to myself, but for my daughters and others.  this sucks.  i don't want to be real.  it's too hard.

you are amazing!  such strength, courage, and that warrior spirit shining thru.  you'll beat this.

and, of course you felt violated - you were.  that was a violation of your trust.  keep going, elphanigh.  you're doing so well.  big hug, sweetie.

welcome, bubbalove,,

so glad you're here.  i'm another one who has found a sense of relief thru writing.  it really helps get the poison out for me.

addictions are addictions are addictions, but each has its own special component that makes it different from the others, its own specific way to inflict pain on the people in the addict's life.  i'm so very glad you survived and found us.  you are not alone anymore. 

you're absolutely on the money, texan.  you don't know who you are without them, cuz you were never given the chance to explore and be comfortable with the real you.  that's why this work needs small steps, just a little bit of realization, of knowing, of exploring at a time in order to get used to what you discover.

in a way, it's like learning how to drive stick shift.  it's not something that you can accomplish at one sitting.  to become comfortable with it takes training, teaching, support, mistakes, fear, hesitation, learning where each hand goes, each foot goes, and it takes practice. 

we're going to pop the clutch too fast and kill the engine sometimes.  we're going to roll backward down a hill trying to get our feet in the proper places to move forward, especially in the beginning.  we're going to be frustrated.  we're going to get angry, confused, and exhausted. 

but, if we really want to drive stick, our strength and determination will shine thru, and we will accomplish our goal.  it's the same with changing core beliefs.  to learn who we really are takes all the same components as learning anything else.  driving stick is an unknown in the beginning, it can feel daunting, maybe even impossible, but it becomes more comfortable and automatic as we continue practicing. 

you will get there, texan.  slowly but surely, one step at a time.  the fact that you are questioning is a sign of progress.  of course you don't know yet, but you will, in your own time and space.  i have no doubt.     

welcome, so glad you got here.

i've found this community to be very helpful and generous, caring and supportive.  looking forward to seeing more of you.

thanks to you both, elphanigh and blueberry.  i'm very tired today, so have been pretty low key.

i was responding on another thread about core beliefs about ourselves, when i discovered one that had been lurking inside me.  i cry at kindnesses toward me because i don't believe i am worth the time or energy of them from someone.  i am rather stunned right now at this.  i thought those tears were for another reason, and maybe they're for that as well, but this has me floored for the nonce.

will be leaving here to ponder this, maybe to be able to turn it around eventually so that i can feel the goodness of someone being kind to me instead of the sadness of not having much of it in my life.  big sigh.  whack a mole.

i think blaming ourselves is easier than blaming a predator (predator is not only the correct word but the correct concept here) because it is a core belief that has been instilled in us, that we are 'bad', 'wrong', 'fundamentally flawed', 'evil', 'coercive' - take your pick or notice your own. 

core beliefs are just that - beliefs about ourselves that are at the core of our very being.  when those beliefs have been implanted from a very early age, we not only believe they are true, but we embrace them as our truths.  we were given those beliefs by the very people who supposedly loved us, and we were also taught never to go against those people.  hence, we are never to go against what they taught us about ourselves.

just think for a minute, how it would feel, what would you and your life be like, if those core beliefs were intrinsically false.  it would turn your world upside down.  that is a frightening prospect, to turn your world upside down.  who would you be then?  how would you think about what happened?  how would you think about yourself?  how in the world would you live?

i've dealt with my own core beliefs here and at other times, have dealt with them with clients as well.  they are the most difficult to move, shift, reverse, or eliminate because they have made up the essence of us for so long.  i can sincerely tell you all that questioning them is a start, a very courageous beginning to knowing that you are not who you thought you were.  you are not who they taught you to believe you are.  they were wrong.

my heart goes out to each and every one of you struggling with this.  slowly, as you continue to question the validity of these false truths, you will find your true core, your true essence.  each of us as babies, were innocent.  someone other than ourselves taught that innocence away, replaced our true knowledge of ourselves with something that was easier to manipulate in the most horrendous situations.   if we believe we're bad, we'll do things to support that belief.  however, that belief did not originally come from us.

when we believe we are beings of love and goodness, we act that way, not only to others, but to ourselves.  we believed that of ourselves as babies.  we practiced self-care as best we knew how by crying to let the world know we needed something in order to continue surviving.  when those signs of self-care were ignored, put down, denigrated, when we were punished or threatened or startled by being yelled at we began to believe that self-care was not for us. 

and we began doing whatever it was, however we needed to do it, thru consent (implied or outright) in order to stop any signs of self-care, because we began believing it was wrong for us to want that, let alone do anything in that direction.  we were carefully trained to believe the worst of ourselves so that we would be more pliable to the wants of others.

i applaud everyone who is taking a look at these core beliefs, challenging them, working to find a way out and through them.  i am with you every step of the way.  love and hugs, caring and empathy and compassion to all of us.  this is the hardest work we will ever do.   it's why i cry at kindnesses - i don't believe i'm worth that energy and effort.  that is one of my core beliefs.  and it just came to me now as i've been writing.  i am truly with you.

that was brilliant!!!  and i think it belongs right where it ended up.

it sounds like your gut was right on about not wanting to go.  i think i'd re-evaluate that 'friend' - it sounds like a complete set-up.  i don't wonder you feel betrayed.   what a horrible thing to want to do to someone!  i'm so glad you'd decided not to go.

and, congrats to you, too, clarity, for your own cancellation.  dang, we are getting stronger around here, aren't we!  hugs all around!

yes you have, dee, and you deserve to see the rewards of your hard work.  keep at it, ok?  we'll stick by you, i hope you know that.   love and hugs coming your way. 

i'm exhausted, so this will be short.  both appts. went well.  the psych., after telling her a bit about what's been going on said, 'i think this is way beyond stress mgt.'  i said 'thank you,' and she gave me a list of possible people to see for a neurology testing, and trauma therapy.  the doc said that losing my legs like i do is something odd enough to warrant an mri, and she's putting it thru  medicare to see if they'll cover it.  so, the wheels are turning, and it feels like 'finally'. 

thank you all.  i know you're with me.  i told my daughter about the porch today, she thought it was an absolutely wonderful concept and image.  then she said that moving here was her porch.  just wanted to let you know that the porch is making the rounds, each to their needs.  my hub also loves the idea, and he's got one just for him and me.  wife2, who'd a thunk it!!!  it's a brilliant metaphor to calm and soothe and feel close to even more people than here.  lovin' it. 

here's a hug, elphanigh    .  i'll be on the porch after all the doc stuff today. 

just wanted to let you all know that this place has become the pusher-outer of all those horrid ruminations that would keep me from falling asleep, all the tension that those neg. thoughts about the past people in my life and what they did that would strangle what should otherwise be a peaceful journey into the land of nod. 

i now bring the porch to mind when i lay my head on the pillow, and i can see all of you doing whatever it is you are doing from my rocker, covered in a blanket of just the right temperature, color, and softness to induce a lovely sleep.   this image is only a heartbeat away for me now, and i absolutely love all of it.  see you later.

thanks, clarity.  i don't doubt you'll get to a lovely place in your feelings one day as well.  this place is amazing.

today's the doc and the beh. psych.  i feel much stronger today than i thought i would.   i will request a referral to a neurologist, i'll have all my info to pass on to both of them about trauma/alexithymia and the damaging of the brain, and i will get this done. 

i'll report back how it goes.  you all have given me the gift of life as i've never known it before.  time to get ready.

along with the overt abuse, may i put in a word for mothers who simply kept quiet, out of the way, did their jobs as wife and mother by having an impeccably clean house, doing laundry by hand, hanging it outside, (we didn't have automatic washer and dryer back then - just a wringer washer and a washboard) and not teaching us anything about it?  'you'll have all your married life to do these things', but no domestic goddess was i. 

our family was devoid of hugs, gentle touch, gathering in when distressed.  also devoid of adult disagreement - in 21 yrs. living with them, i saw them have a fight one time.  i didn't even learn how to disagree/fight in a relationship.  my dad told me once 'you're mother would die for you'.  i almost died for my narc daughter.

trauma and abuse come in so many different forms.  friends and cousins wished they lived with my family cuz it looked so wonderful compared to what they were enduring.  unfortunately, it stunted me in so many ways.   when i've talked to my best friend about my c-ptsd and my parents a few years back (she spent a lot of time at our house) she pooh-poohed everything i said. 

the mother taboo is alive and well, even with those we believe will believe us.  they usually don't.  my parents are both dead a long time, but i really feel for you who have to continue to struggle to 'honor' yours.   i have no idea what my relationship with them might have been like over the years.  hugs to you all.

clarity, how brilliant of you to be able to turn that anger away from yourself and back to where it belongs.  that's huge.   those hard-working fingertips of yours will someday be seen by you as part of the loving being you are, and love will prevent further damage and pain to them. 

that's what our ultimate goal is, isn't it.  loving ourselves.  because, we would not with any intent damage something we love.  i know we won't be perfect at it, but, just as we've loved others, pets, kids, we've done our best to put that love at the front.  we'll eventually do that with ourselves as well.  i can feel it coming.

love and hugs all around.