Messages

dee, thanks so much for sharing.  this is the emdr with which i am familiar and in which i believe.   these are the kinds of experiences i've had both with clients and with myself.  so glad it was a positive experience for you.  and, just so you know, i have had the sobbing when i've gone through it, but i know it was because i was finally able to get rid of so much toxin through my tears.   it was both cathartic and brought relief.  my pictures diminished or changed just like you described.  very powerful, indeed!

and, just like you, it wasn't always a specific memory that was processed.  sometimes an emotion (like you described), a thought, or a feeling.  i found emdr, in its very best way, utilizes what works best for the client.  always. 

i'm just so glad you're back, safe, and hopeful.  wonderful to hear from you.  big hug!

dee, how wonderful for you on so many levels.  thanks for sharing.  you positively brightened my day.  may you continue on this beautiful path which you've begun.  love and hugs, sweetie!

i had a long talk with my bro once about how kids always grow up with different parents, even if they're the same 2 people for all the kids.  kid #1 has brand new parents.  kid #2 has parents with 2 kids, more experience, are older, different perspectives on life, etc.  and down the line for all subsequent kids.  we really do all grow up with different parents and different experiences with them.

he couldn't understand my traumatization until i gave him a few examples of what happened.  then, he was shocked.  he's 9 yrs. younger than me, and my sis and i were out of the house, living across the country by the time he became a teen.  he had our parents all to himself.  very different scenario.

i'm lucky that he was open to listening to me.  i know that is not the norm necessarily.  my sis bugged out of my life over 25 yrs. ago.  no contact since, altho she had kept in contact with my bro, and he eventually broke off contact with her cuz of her narc ways.  he also told me the stuff she'd said about me, most of which were lies.

that whole family dynamic - we're told by adults in our lives, school, church, friends' parents, that moms and dads love their kids.  then we also try to put that together with the reality of how we're being treated by those moms and dads, and we get a skewed reality of what love is.  it's so sinister, so insidious, but as kids we just believe, assimilate the info as best we can, and do what we have to in order to survive.  the problem is, we bring those skewed concepts of love into our adulthood and can't figure out why our relationships don't work, why we continue being abused, and why we feel like it's always our fault that this stuff falls apart.

difficult questions for you, wife2.  difficult realizations.  i hope for your sake that you are able to put those pieces in their proper places and find some peace with them.  i completely agree, this would have been impossible without this family i have come to know and love on this forum.  this is how healing happens - kizzie's posted about it, i've read about it in van der kolk's book - a healing community promotes inner healing.  it's so frickin' true!  big hug to you, my dear.

thanks, candid.  it's one of the reasons i want to leave as soon as i can.  it's so difficult emotionally.

today, i'm just very tired, weary, really.  so much mental gymnastics yesterday, plus continuing to pack.  i can only do a bit at a time as it is, but it wears me out. 

i'm re-thinking this eye doc appt.  maybe it's just my tired mind.  gotta think on it more.  my ins. is up june 1 here, would cost me another $500 to renew for another year (have i already said this?  i can't keep track anymore.  just thoughts swirling that i want to write down) and i'd rather save that money for my trip, so i'll be without health ins. starting next month.  that's part of the reason i wanna get out of here, too.  they can't really help me anymore, even tho i have all those tests scheduled for sept.  i hope to be gone by then.

just too tired.  take care, everyone.

osdd stands for other specified dissociative disorder.  it's taken the place of ddnos - dissociative disorder not otherwise specified.

these are diagnostic labels in  the dsm manual.  i don't know how or why they've changed this.  these and others are under the dissociative disorder spectrum, and happen because of trauma.   still, they don't have c-ptsd.  beats me!  glad to have you back, dee.

well, we care, and believe, and my heart breaks for all the children who were forced/coerced/betrayed into something that was plain and simple wrong.  every child is innocent, every single one.  we have child minds at the age of 9, with child logic.  no 9-yr. old could make adult logical sense out of such a situation.

still, even at 9, we try because we are told to, expected to, programmed to think and act like adults.  the problem is that we get stuck there, in that 9-yr. old mindset because no one ever taught us how to get out of it, how to see it differently, how to understand what really happened.  instead, we were encouraged to continue in the same vein, and we did the best we could.  many of us survive - many do not.   it is too great a burden to place on a child.

silentrhino, thank you for sharing this, for bringing the darkness out into the light.  you weren't stupid, you aren't stupid, you have no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed.  the adults who imposed their will on you in such a horrible way deserve to feel ashamed and embarrassed.  they were the ones in the wrong.    big hug to you. 

blueberry and elphanigh, your support is, as always, most welcome and encouraging to keep up the strength i need for this to happen. 

wife2, yes, exactly.  we needed each other for a season, and both recognize that season has come to an end.  we will part with love and sadness, but also with a knowing that we have done truly remarkable things for each other and ourselves. 

i do believe life is a journey.  it has stops and starts, twists and turns.  there is muck, potholes, bumps, and sometimes even mountains to climb.  but there are also green fields, flowers, sunrises, and sure footing.  rainbows following a thunderstorm.  both stark and lush beauty.

people come and go for various reasons.   i am ending one adventure, hoping to start another.  when, how soon, i don't know.  i just found out that gofundme is not supported in mexico, so it looks like that avenue has been eliminated for me.  there will be another way.  i have faith.

wowser, wife2!  way to go!  it really is life-affirming when we make those kinds of decisions.  so happy for you, and, if it's my place, so proud of you as well!!!  you go, girl!

that mind talk really makes a difference.  talking to my daughter this a.m., she was telling me about making herself take some down time, but how much it sucked.  i thought - whoa!  those two messages don't go together!  so  i mentioned that it's like a self-sabotage to do something good for yourself, but in your mind you're saying something bad about it.  i don't think she realized that before.

so, for you to talk about life-affirming changes, your mental messages are matching your physical messages, and i do believe that will get the job done.  it may be enough to focus on you right now, and show your son by example - put out those veggies at night for snacks.   i don't doubt he'll join you.

well done, my dear.  happy happy happy!  big hug!!!

good going, hurtbeat!  really glad you're finding something on a regular basis that is bringing positivity into your life.  love it!   

thanks, my dear.  my daughter also told me that i have extenuating circumstances cuz i've been in mexico all these years, haven't used a credit card.  so, along with your suggestions, i'm feeling better about it all.

this thurs. is my reg. doc appt. and i'm gonna ask his opinion on what was written about my eye, see what he says.  maybe i'll find out earlier than the 17th, which would be nice.  i've begun packing my books.  it's weird to look at the shelves and find them mostly empty.  hard to believe i'm leaving this place.

my hub reminded me this morning that when he and i first began getting together, i told him that it had been time for me to leave the states cuz my job there was done.  i'd totally forgotten about it, but i remember it clearly now.  besides running for my life, i knew that there was someone here who needed my help with healing.  it turned out to be both him and me. 

he's now been drug-free for nearly 16 yrs., has the respect back of the community here, some of his kids have now come back into his life, and he has devoted grandkids.   and, he did what i needed him to do to help me get well enough to continue on my way.  we saved each others' lives.  now, however, there are both my daughter and her roomies who need me, he believes, and my going back there is part of all this.  those two man-boys are very damaged by their mother, and i don't doubt the older one has c-ptsd as well. 

so, the journey continues.  we go and be where we are needed most, i think.  different for everyone.  but always just right, even if we're in the midst of there and there.  he and i are sad about the breakup - he admitted last night that he lost me because he didn't live up to his word - and i'll accept that.  so, packing time it is.  moving right along.

ok, the pm's have begun, so on to journaling.  these past 2 weeks have been such a roller coaster of emotions, decisions, discoveries, realizations - i'm just working on putting one foot in front of the other. 

my hub and i have been talking a lot about this, of course.  at one end of the spectrum is the love that we have for each other, at the other end is the continued unreliability, bickering, arguing, battling, and his lack of follow-thru.  that's what's let me down the most.  unfortunately, with this last 'caper', and his secrecy about what he was doing in the city last fri. besides getting his eye worked on, the trust is gone.  that's really hard to continue living with.

i began calling housing in ore. yesterday, about 15 places, only got thru to one of them, so more phone work today.  the one i got thru to is a gov't housing building, says there's a year wait, but he's sending an application.  the other places i tried to contact all talked about credit scores.  well, i have none.  haven't used a credit card since i came down here, am paying back my student loans thru my soc. sec., and ran out on other bills when i left.  i don't even want to go there as to what that might mean for me getting a place to live.  ugh!  one more fork in the fire.

i'm beginning to get inundated with  the hugeness of this project.  it's not just a move anymore - there's so much to consider.  it's like whack-a-mole all over again.  but i know it has to be done, and i'm the one who has to do the most of it.  i'll just keep envisioning a little apt. of my own where's there's trees and flowers and lots of green at the end of this road and continue walking it one step at a time, i guess.  i'd love to leave  by june 1.  i'm afraid that's extremely unrealistic, and it'll be more like 6 mos. or so.  can't think about that too much.

have i told all of you today how grateful i am for you?  love and hugs all around.

i am moved beyond belief at this outpouring.  more tomorrow.  i have contacted my daughter to see if she's willing to use her paypal system, and will let you know.  a heartfelt thank you to all of you for your thoughts and concerns.  you are in my heart forevermore.

the pain and damage perpetrated on children because of their parents' religious belief system is, i believe, a sin in itself.   that you have all survived the best way you can is a testament to your own strength of spirit.  to tell a child that 'god is watching' as a form of control goes to the very soul.  how much more damaging can that be?

i honor you all for what you have come through, no matter what form it takes.  i thoroughly believe that as you are able to get out from under the self-destructive 'god' of your childhood, your own manner of self-destructive habits will lessen and finally disappear.  you all are so much worth more than what you were taught. 

i know what it's like to live in fear and anxiety, having to be perfect, do everything right.  my god was my dad and i felt, like with any god, that if/when i messed up, there was a chance that his love would be taken from me.  how could i survive that?  how can any child survive that fear?  the best ways they know how.

no shame, no blame, no judgment if we turn to cigs, booze, food, whatever to ease that fear.  it is such a huge burden to live under, to carry on our shoulders when we are such precious little people.   this stuff makes my heart sick.

kudos to you, wife2, as always.  you are so careful with your son on so many levels.  he is so lucky to have you for a mom.  blessings to you all, and may angel wings enfold you and comfort you.

so happy to hear from you, dee!  a big welcome back!  take your time, we'll be here.   

eyessoblue, several red flags went up for me as i read what you've had to say.

100% success rate - i just can't see it!  no one is perfect, no t is perfect, no treatment is going to fit every single person, no matter how much homework you do. 

ptsd vs. c-ptsd --  she's correct that c-ptsd is not in the diagnostic manual, so is not routinely used as a diagnosis for insurance, etc.  however. that doesn't mean c-ptsd isn't a real thing, or that  it's the same as ptsd.  those in charge of putting that manual together decided amongst themselves that there wasn't enough 'difference' between the two to warrant a separate diagnosis for c-ptsd.  it's apparent to me that none of them have ever experienced c-ptsd, or they'd know.   there are other diagnoses, however, that have been used for ins. claims at the same time the t recognizes the s/he is treating the client for c-ptsd.  we've been playing that diagnostic game with ins. companies for ages.

denying straight out that you have c-ptsd - sounds to me that she's quite closed-minded and controlling, does not want to take your perspective and experience into account when making up your treatment plan.

6 sessions to 'cure' what ails you - in many instances, emdr is able to clear up and resolve ptsd symptoms because it is a single incident that is being addressed.  c-ptsd is made up of many and ongoing incidents of a personal, rather than an impersonal (like a car accident) nature.  it often takes much longer to sift through all the layers of trauma that come with c-ptsd.

telling you not to find info on your own - sounds very controlling, like she wants you to only hear and learn her points of view, rather than exploring various perspectives.  every diagnosis i've ever gotten, mental or physical, i've researched for different perspectives and insights.  some are helpful, some have not been, but i don't trust any single point of view when it comes to my health.

the best trauma therapists i've known or heard of are very concerned with the well-being of the client and want to go slowly so as not to re-traumatize anyone.    emdr can be extremely helpful for trauma provided the therapist acknowledges the type of trauma being dealt with, is warm, caring, and concerned, puts forth his/her best effort to establish a safe environment and relationship for the client, and does not rush to dismiss, minimize, or deny anything the client is saying.

telling you that your recovery is on your shoulders re: doing what she says sounds just wrong to me.  to put you into a pass-fail type situation which makes you responsible for how well your therapy goes doesn't seem helpful to me at the very least.  to my mind, the therapist has the responsibility to enable and encourage resolution and healing in the client, not the other way around.  i've given homework assignments, and even when the client doesn't do them, that's information for me to be going on with as to better ways to help the client achieve success.

for example, what if she sets an assignment for you that is too intense for you to deal with at that point in your recovery?  does that give her the right to say, well, you didn't do what i told you to do, so failure in your recovery is your fault.  no, that wouldn't be right.  the fault is never with the client. 

eyessoblue, i don't know what to tell you about this,  these are just my impressions of the t from what you wrote.  just know that the therapist is not an authority figure, but is meant to be a guide to help you get from where you are to where you want to go.  you have every right to stand up for yourself, to question, to confront, to say that you need to go slower.   i understand that the mental health system in the u.k. is difficult from reading about experiences on this forum.

i do hope that you will be able to get what you need to get your recovery on a good track.  it would certainly be quite an accomplishment to have everything resolved in 6 sessions.  if it isn't, however, that's not on you, no matter what.  i don't care what she says.  you will do the best you are able, and that's always good enough.  my very best wishes for you in this endeavor.  big hug.