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very clever, elphanigh.

my 3 things for today are that i breathed, did my stretches, and talked to my brain in a very nurturing way.

thank you for this.  i look forward to more.

thanks, wife2.  very sweet and generous of you.  you touch my heart. big hug.

hi, slow river,

first, may i say thanks to candid and elphanigh for their votes of confidence.  very sweet, both of you. 

i am an emdr therapist, have been for over 25 yrs., and i believe in it and its process.  i go along with what the others have said about what to look for in a therapist, how a good therapist will treat you, and to go with your gut.  sometimes it's a matter of pick and choose, sometimes it's just not a good fit.  either way, if the therapy doesn't work out, it is never your fault.  i do hope you would try again.

i think one of the biggest things to remember in therapy is that you are in control of your recovery.  if it's going too fast, if there's a glitch somehow, if you're feeling uncomfortable, whatever problem might arise, you can speak up.  i don't view therapists as 'authority' figures, but rather guides who have extra knowledge about how to help you get to where you want to go.

emdr targets and utilizes the brain to help unfreeze distressing memories and the emotional punch they pack.  we have become stuck in these memories at their moment of impact, and emdr can help free us physically, emotionally, and mentally so those memories don't have the same 'charge' anymore that has been ruling our lives.   it's hard work, and can be exhausting at times, but it won't hurt you.

there is another, newer, trauma therapy that's out there called progressive counting, or PC.  it was created by an emdr therapist, and also has had very good results with resolving trauma.   

bottom line is trust and safety.  it might take some time to build trust with a new therapist, and that's ok.  trust is earned over time.  safety is something you will feel in your gut - if something feels off, you can talk to the therapist about it, see what happens.  if s/he argues or discounts you, you're probably not in the right place with the right person.  honor those gut feelings.

trauma therapy can sometimes seem to be slow going, but, as was said, a good trauma therapist is going to put your needs above everything else, and wants to make sure that you are not re-traumatized.  you can pick and choose what memories, thoughts, or feelings you want to process.  i think starting with something less 'heavy' is a good way to go, and work from there, see how it progresses, allow the process to unfold. 

a good therapist will come from a wellness place, looking for your strengths and reinforcing them.  slow river, you have survived what has happened to you, and that, to my mind, is your biggest strength.  your willingness to go after the beast of c-ptsd shows your courage, determination, and perseverance.  you have a strong spirit that is enabling you to ask for help.  you already have what it takes to continue in recovery.

unfortunately, i can't guarantee anything about a therapist you find, or how the therapy will go.  i am sorry that you've already had some neg. experiences in therapy.  so have i, to the point that my very first therapist was, i believe, npd, who damaged me through manipulation, deceit, and betrayal.  i ended up on anti-dep/anti-anxiety meds, and also reported her to our state board of licensing.   the best thing she taught me is how NOT to be a therapist!   lol!

i hope you will keep posting on your journey and, if you find a therapist, how it's going.  this has been a wonderful place for people to get feedback on  both their therapy and therapist.  i give you so much credit for being brave enough to want to give this another shot, even with some neg. experience behind you.  your experience is valid, and you are valuable. 

by the by, i am one of the therapists who give hugs.  not every t is comfortable with that, but i think pos. touch is an important part of healing.  we usually haven't gotten enough in our lives.   keep taking care of you as best you can.   i hope any of this helps.   hugs to you.

i've done your breathing exercise several times now, wife2, and it resulted in long yawns.  didn't i read somewhere that yawning like that is a release of some kind of tension or neg. energy?  anyway, that's what i'm choosing to believe, and it's been really helpful.  thank you!

a circle of revelation and truth.  what a glorious idea!  to hear that from others, simply be inundated with it, would be intense.  i know i would crumple and cry under the sheer majesty of it.  you are a fount of wonder and wisdom.  everything good back atcha, my dear friend.  love and a big hug!

 

more later.  just wanted you to know you've been heard.

 

hi, elizabeth/genevieve, and welcome.  so glad you're here.

to get treatment or not is entirely your choice.  same with meds even if you do seek professional help.  as for being in therapy forever, again, it's your call.  you can decide if/when you want to go, how much it's helping, and how long you want to stay.  that's all in your power and no one else's.  i've been down that entire road, stopped it when it wasn't helping anymore, so i know it can be done.  others here have done the same.   it's your recovery, you get to call the shots.

yeah, exhaustion and pain come with the territory of having to battle to stay safe and be yourself.   i'm also very glad for you that you now have a job and will be able to leave a toxic environment soon.  best to you.  i've found a lot of relief being here - these are some of the most kind and caring people i've come across ever. 

i've begun talking to my brain as if it's a wounded child, gently accepting at the same time encouraging change.  speaking the words out loud during the day.  it feels right somehow.

i know my brain's been wounded, has been taught to do things, send messages that don't match with reality or that cause pain where there shouldn't be any.  so i've begun speaking to it.  actually, she's a her.  i haven't thought of her name yet, but she has one.  i'm waiting for that to fall into my lap.  it will.

'i know you've been hurt.  i know you can grow out of that hurt place. these messages you're sending me aren't the correct ones, but it's what you've been taught.  we're going to grow and change together.  i'm not mad, but these are miscommunications and aren't right.  i know you can grow new neurons, dendrites, connections that are in keeping with reality.  we're doing this together.  i believe in you.  we'll get through this."  etc.

throughout the day, yesterday, i was doing this.  i'm going to keep it up.  one more step on my road to recovery.  i believe.

i like that, candid.  makes sense to me.  thanks.

hi, soulareclipse, and welcome,

i don't think there is any actual 'starting point' necessarily for when c-ptsd begins.  because of the abuse i suffered as an adult, i believed the actual c-ptsd started for me at that time (in my 20's).  prying this stuff apart, i'm not sure anymore, either. 

what i believed was that i had some regular childhood issues that encouraged me to make the choices i made as an adult, but i don't know now.  what i do know is that c-ptsd would/should be my diagnosis, i'm treating my issues as such, and, especially from being involved with this forum, i'm making progress.  it doesn't really matter to me anymore where/when it started - it's here and i'm dealing with it as best i can.

don't know if that truly answers your question, but we're glad you're here no matter when it began. 

yay for you and the new additions to your family!!!  so very cool!!!!

hey, pandabear,

my thoughts to you are that if you are in therapy, it may be time to be brutally honest about your feelings.  living with an active drinker who will not quit, even tho it is obvious that it is hurting you, sends up red flags for me.  this sounds like someone who is more invested in keeping the alcohol than keeping you feeling safe, which is really an awful realization to face. 

if you are seeing someone on your own, again, brutal honesty is warranted here as to just what your spouse's behavior really means for your peace of mind and happiness in the relationship.   it's tough to win against the bottle - she is a possessive mistress.  i can only wish you all the best.  it's a very difficult situation you're in, and it sounds like it's escalating.  i don't mean to be harsh, only honest.   big hug to you.

dear lostsoul,

what a quandary you're in.  i know that i've had to be very selfish at times, even when my hub was suffering.   i found extra support here, a place to turn to, and he also had 12-step meetings he could attend when he needed to.

i think what i'm saying is that we all need our own places for support besides one person that we lean on over and over.  it's important, because i know i can't be there for my hub ALL the time, nor can he be there for me whenever i may want him to be.  whether it's a therapist, a support group, a friend - we all need more than one person who can be there for us.

hopefully, your H will find someone or some group where he can relate and feel safe enough to get some help when you're in this kind of emotional pickle.  there are several 12-step groups, like co-dependents anonymous, or al-anon that welcome anyone having problems because of relying on sig. others as their sole source of support.

best to you with this.  it's difficult, i know.  we all need more than one support to lean on at times when the other just isn't available.  we all deserve to have that break so that we can take care of ourselves when we need to.   i hope you find a solution that works for both of you.  take care of you as best you can.   big hug.

phoebes, we don't all have families.  maybe it seems that way at times looking at others as they're walking in the mall or something, but it's really not true.  i've given up so much family over the years, both foo and the ones that i created.  it's heartbreaking, really, but they were killing me.

my daughter and ex have been in therapy for about 30 yrs., each, and they still refused to do the work, to be honest about their issues, to break through and admit to the awfulness of what they'd perpetrated upon me.  some people are just too damaged and will never 'get' it.  they simply may not be capable of it, for whatever reason.

personally, i'm glad for you that you have made it through, that you are walking the walk, and that you were able to love yourself enough to let go of the poison those people were feeding you.  i know it's sad - it broke my heart to go nc with my firstborn daughter, and i wish it could be otherwise - but i have other people in my life who care about me (my other daughter and my hub) and it was hurting them, too, to watch me get emotionally beaten every time i turned around.

it's very sad that we can't have the families we wanted.  i share in your grief.   big hug.

you are so beautiful!