Messages

realizing i have c-ptsd gave me a sense of relief, cherryblossom.  this stuff works differently for everyone.  i'd been to so many support groups in my life, and i never felt like i fit with the people there.  until i got here, and everything made sense to me. 

one thing i'm sure of is that you're not crazy.  i, too, have managed to raise a family, go back to college for my master's, and work as a therapist, eventually even getting published.   we are strong individuals who have done all kinds of 'normal' things, even while we've struggled with what has been confusing.  i spent a good part of my life confused about what was going on around and with me.

l think c-ptsd is a big deal, and it is scary at times, but, at least for me, knowing this is what i've been battling blindly for so long, has given me some direction at last.   it's the whole picture now that i can see, where i was simply putting out fires here and there as they sprung up without ever becoming aware or feeling a sense of satisfaction,.

i don't know if any of this is helpful.  i do believe we can be healed once we have our eyes open and can see where we need to go.  best to you with this.  the support and kinship i've felt here has been life-changing for me.  i hope you will find what you need as well.   here's a hug if you want it.     

personally, clarity, i don't see any of this as trivial.  these words cause emotional wounds every bit as gruesome as anything physical we've endured.  often worse, because those triggers that come into our lives re-open those wounds time and time again.  what a crummy thing to have to hear at your wedding. 

this family stuff can be the worst.  just going thru more of the same because my bro dragged all my nc's back into my life.  so, i'm now struggling with all the emotions, etc. that raised their nasty heads again.  and this was all behind my back.

i feel for you, blueberry.  at least i'm not face to face with them - i can't even imagine how upsetting that would be.  your strength is shining like a star in a black hole.  i quite agree with you that all the other fam. members will not change - i certainly know none of mine have.  the safest route for me to is stay away.  let them hack and and bite with each other - i just don't want to be part of it anymore.

interesting, your observation how sil only does this stuff to people she perceives as weaker.  same here.  that's why i see them as predators.  what we can do is find our strength and get out of their line of sight.   that's how i see it, anyway.  big hug to you, and best with all this. 

lingurine, altho i'm not fond of mangos, i surely do love fruits of many kinds.  i used to grow grapes and cold-weather kiwis - they're the size of big grapes don't have the fuzzy skin, but taste just like regular kiwis - and i love most berries.   i think i shall bring a bowl of fruits to the porch to have available.  today it'll be strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries, both wild and regular.  yummy!

you may be absolutely on point about the comfort thing.   i've gotten so twisted around, i forget about comfort.  haven't had too much of that, haven't been able to feel it from all of you, altho i know it's there.  why haven't i been able to just let that in?  cuz i'd start bawlin' my eyes out.  they're tearing up right now.  thank you for that. 

i think that i'm able to take the good stuff, like compliments and such, but when i really dig into it, i believe it's just on the surface.  i only let it caress my face, but it rarely makes its way to my heart, where it needs to go.  haven't had enough of that to be comfortable with it.  wow, you really hit a note with this for me.  who has ever comforted me in my life?

my hub has done a little of it at times.  most of the rest of my life it has been independent me all the time.  my daughter tells me reassuring things, like 'we'll figure this out', which is comforting.  the 'we' is comforting, to know that i don't have to do this myself, she's willing to help, and she has.  i just don't remember anyone simply gathering me in when they've seen me in distress.  ok, i'm crying full bore now.

to be comforted.  i don't really know what that feels like.  this must be my little me crying for this.  she was ridiculed for crying by my dad, not shown kindness or concern.  well, by that time it was already too late.  my feelings were already beyond my reach.  i wouldn't have known what to say.

i don't know what to say now. 

and, candid, i wanted to ignore what you were suggesting, deny it, but finally, today, the emotions presented themselves about the whole brother thing.  more pain, more sadness, more anger.  lots of sad, tears, pounding the bed, and lovely cuss words.  that did feel good.  it's taken nearly a month for me to be able to feel and express these feelings.  this whole thing started when i was still living with my daughter, and she told me that he had talked to my sis about me. 

i was disturbed, but didn't have a handle on the emotions running around.  i could feel a bit of anger, but not very much, and not very much of anything else.  just a disturbance.  dang, i wish i could find a t to help me with this.  it's too big for me to do it by myself.  there's so much yet.  so very much.  time to go kill some zombies.  thanks for the realizations, everyone. 

thank you from my heart for your kind words. 

and, i hope that construction noise is over with soon.  i'm with you on that noise thing - hate it!!!

yes, i do trust my gut pains, and i'm continuing to work on this whole eating thing.  i've had this problem from eating fruits and veggies for years.  i don't know why.  i also know that after a while of eating 'healthy', i'll start feeling sick-y, like stress flu (i've heard it called that - flu-like symptoms altho it's not the flu or other 'real' illness at all), and then, if i eat pizza, or burger and fries, i feel much better.  guess i'll have to talk to the doc about that.  it must be something i'm lacking, or my brain is lacking.  it's been a puzzle for years.

today i was able to walk to the store, and later i'll take a shower.  that's pretty much the extent of my 'work' for today, physically.  a little nap soon, then some tennis.  watching tennis is both relaxing and exciting for me. 

i think there's progress here, it just gets difficult to see when i get knocked down physically again.  it's just so frustrating.  and painful.  i'm really getting sick of being in pain.  maybe someday . . .

candid, please don't be hard on yourself.  you did what you thought best at the time with the info you had.  i know that sounds like a cliche, but it's true.  we all have.  we've had enough recrimination from others for not being perfect to last us a lifetime.    here's hoping it doesn't.   

sending you soothing tea and nourishing soup and the hope that you get better quickly, blueberry.  big hug from across the room cuz i don't want to get sick as well!                                                               

lingurine, you're frankness is compelling, inspiring.  it shows your courage and determination to meet and beat this beast head-on. 

i'm so very sorry for what you've gone through.  i don't have enough words.  frank is a good name for this, to my mind, on many levels.

was this helpful for you, to let this out?  i certainly hope so.  to be betrayed by a parent who is blind at heart level is horrible.  while i didn't have the same experience, i can relate down in my gut.  i feel it.

thank you for sharing this.  your strength has flown off the screen and into me, making me stronger for what i'm going thru.  peace to you, lingurine, peace and love and kindness.  and a big hug.

sounds like a good idea to me, 3 roses.  i truly believe we are the best monitors of how much we can take and when.  sidetracks, detours, even putting on the brakes for a bit are not bad things.  you're keeping yourself safe.

man, those ef's can be a total gritch, can't they?  slowly may be what will help you most right now.  i think you're doing so good with this, 3 roses, i really do.  considering where you were when you were about to begin this therapy, and what you're realizing and facing now - that's an awful lot of progress to my mind.

one of the best trauma therapists i know has his background in gestalt.  i've always liked the idea of looking at the whole picture rather than just the pieces that are out of place.  so far, he sounds like he's been doing a pretty good job, but i'm also glad you're keeping your power as far as what you want to work on or with next.  well done.  big hug.

hey, candid, here's a thought.  how about, instead of working on your mind, you work with your mind.  what i mean is, use the power of your mind to excise those loops of despair, hopelessness, and such by continually pushing at them with positive thoughts about you, your mind, your situation.  i know it's not easy, and it's not necessarily a 'quick fix', but re-wiring is do-able.  it takes commitment and determination, tho.

i know you have both, by what you've been thru, what you've survived, what you continue to do to find a new way for yourself, like those training classes.  it's in you, the ability, of that i have no doubt.  when you're ready, of course.

today i'm feeling uck - i ate real healthy yesterday, fruits and veggies, and my body is protesting, starting last night.  today i'm just drained of energy.  each time this happens, my gut is sore and i feel, well, crappy.   it always feels like a step back. 

i've had a lot of 're-visiting' the last couple of days - letting neg.  thoughts in about the people i've eliminated from my life.  i don't doubt it's cuz i'm safe and am surrounded by peace here, so i bring in something abusive in order to feel more comfortable.  all this air and light, i'm just not used to it yet.  plus, communicating with my bro about my sister stirred it all up again, i think. 

i'm still not at the point, i guess, where just their names don't continue to pack a neg. emotional punch to me.  i don't doubt, either, that with so much change in such a short time, and i'm just now beginning to feel settled here, my emotions are in a whirl.  i can't really pinpoint them, either, which is frustrating.  not all of them.  still working on that.

but today, i just want to rest and let my gut settle.  too much is too much.  i can't tell if i'm healing or not when this happens. 

maybe.  maybe not. 

perhaps, as you continue in recovery, you'll begin diving into those swirling depths and discover the real you, both the strengths and the flaws.  i'm learning that we don't have to be afraid to look at our flaws, that the imperfections are what give us personality and character.

i think robin williams' character in the movie 'good will hunting' said something about that.  i took that to my heart because i was scared to death to be flawed, to be human, to be me.  you are an amazing person, songbird, in your own right rather than simply a reflection of others.  in your own time, your own pace, i hope you are able to realize that as well.  best to you, and a big hug.

eyessoblue, that crying thing is exhausting for sure, and i give you so much credit for doing the work, walking the walk, and going back for more cuz you know it's what needs to be done.

before i knew about any of this, i sensed that i needed to cry, but didn't know how to on my own.  in mexico, i found a healer who would massage my legs.  that was so painful, i burst into sobs.  no one knew what was going on, including me - i just knew that it was what i needed.  i kept going back, kept putting myself thru that pain in order to get those tears out.

i now know that i'm suffering from fibromyalgia, which is why things like even gentle massage would bring me to tears.  however, by continually going back, there has been a tremendous improvement over the years.  i trusted my gut without any intellectual knowledge, and i'm glad i did.  so much poison was released from my body thru those tears.  it sounds like you're doing the same thing.

kudos to you for staying with it.  yes, rest, rest, my dear.  those tears are cleansing you to your very bone.  you can be very proud of yourself.   big hug.

clarity, i'm just glad you had a place to get it out.  no need to apologize - you did nothing wrong.  that's what we're here for - to live and learn.  happy that you're getting so much good from pw's book, too.  yay, you.  big hug.

feel better soon, sweetie.  funny how our bodies will let us know when too much is enough!  that's happened to me more times than i can count.  getting better at taking those breaks before it happens, which is nice.

rest, rest, and more rest, plenty of fluids, all that stuff.  it's the nurturing earth mother in me coming out.   

kizzie makes a good point about the need to understand and treat the underlying cause of the drinking.  AA didn't work for me, either.  the more i understand my recovery, what it means, what issues need to be resolved and how to go about doing that, the farther away any thought of use gets.

i've been sober over 15 yrs this time.  i made it this far once before, and when my marriage and family blew up, i went back to it.  it was no 'slip' as it is often called in some programs.  it was intentional.  i wanted the feeling of being free of all the pain, confusion, and seriousness that was drowning me.

we all have different reasons for numbing our brains with substances.  i've only stopped smoking about 1 1/2 yrs. ago.  cigs were my best friends, altho i quit them about a thousand times.  still, they helped calm me, soothe the anxiety in ways nothing else did.   now, my lungs are weak, and i know that i'd kill them and myself if i smoked again. 

in a healthier state of mind then, about me and my body, my thoughts about what smoking would do to me can override the urge to smoke.  and, believe me, i have that urge most days.  i would love to be able to smoke again.

but, i won't.  i won't use other substances, either.  my recovery is now stronger than those urges.   i believe that as you continue in recovery, it will become stronger for you as well.  your healthy giving (as someone else posted) will extend to giving yourself permission to stay away from the bottle and be with whatever is bothering you.  you'll get there.  i have faith.   big hug, kat.