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acknowledging and being with your pain is a pos. step, to my mind.  it will pass. 

i also agree with you completely that your anger belongs with them, not with you.  you did nothing wrong.  we can't cope well with what happened to us because we didn't know how.  that's not our fault - we were never taught.  thank heavens we are finally learning.

sorry about your being made fun of by your brother.  it sounds like you had a creative mind even then.   that should have been encouraged rather then put down.   sounds like lots of realizations are coming up for you.  best to you with all this.  big hug.

o, sweetie, i'm sorry doesn't quite cover it, but i really am.  to lose someone who represented something so powerfully positive is a profound loss.  i'm glad you're feeling better today.  i believe he will always be with you, if that's any comfort.  big hug to you,

candid and wife2, my darling sisters.  you two are part of my true family of the heart.  my bro, well, he can kiss my sweet, awww, you know what!  i just don't need it or him.  it's not like we have family get-togethers or anything.  i haven't seen him in 10 yrs.  so, that foo thing is pretty much out the window.  it's ok.  just another loss.

as far as being busy, i'm not a mover type person.  typing here is a way of being busy for me.  playing computer games.  my brain running in circles.  that kind of thing.  i can sit in her chair for an hour and be still physically, but my brain and probably my mouth will be working overtime.  we'll see.

got the results of most of my tests.  the ones that i could understand show, basically, nothing wrong with me.  the adrenal tests are differently done than they were in mexico, so i don't know what they mean.  the only thing i saw is that both hormones were at lower levels than they were when done in mexico.  so, that's still up in the air.

otherwise, right now it looks like the same old thing - tests come out fine, don't know why you feel crummy.  shrug shoulders.  again, working on putting this in its own compartment for the nonce (love that word).   but, it does look like my liver and kidneys are ok, so that's good.

and, i didn't pop a pill yesterday, just rode the anxiety out.  i was kinda proud of myself for that. 

i'm now waiting for my daughter who's going to take me to the eye doc.  i'm glad that's going to get started so quickly.  i do worry about my eyes.  it's a lovely day today, the end of june, and the year is once again flying by.  my hub will call tonite to see how the eye doc went.  i am good.

trying to fix any of this with knowledge, no, that won't work.  doing something different, taking different actions than we have experienced in the past, is, i believe, what we can do to change those horrible mental message.

i've gotten sidetracked on re-wiring my brain, but i began again last night.  i'm talking to it like it's my child to care for, telling it that it's not its fault it sends out neg. messages to my mind and body, it was taught incorrectly, and together we'll re-teach it in order to have some peace and health.

i'm with dee on this.  i do believe that the more positive, healthy messages we send to our brain, the less room will remain for the neg., unhealthy ones.  it'll take time, i know, but i believe it's do-able.  i have faith,

welcome, bohemian, so glad you made it here.

i'm another one who has kept busy in order to avoid thoughts and feelings.  busy physically or mentally - somehow i was always working.

i'm glad you've found music as something positive for your life.  it's a good thing.  hope to see more of you here. 

i agree with you that it is your parents' shaming that you feel.  we are born without shame about our bodies, about exploring them, touching them, enjoying them.  somewhere around 9 or 10, we find a natural modesty that encourages us to have some privacy about our bodies.  it's natural, part of the process of growing up human.

it's also a time when hormones may be beginning to peek our their inquisitive little heads and wonder what it's all about.  there is nothing shameful about that, and deserves to be handled with kindness and understanding by our parents.   the fact that they did not handle it that way with you is what's disgusting.  that's what is shameful.

they put their own disgust and shame on you when you were too young to push it off, so you carried it with you into your adulthood as if it were your own.  either refusing sexual urges by burying them, or flaunting them is not the natural sexual piece of you.  it is in there, under their disgust and shame.  unfortunately, they may have done such a good job of piling it on that it may take help to unload such a burden.

i am sorry you went through that, and are still going through it.  you have nothing to be ashamed of, nor disgusted by, regarding yourself and sex.  shame only grows in the dark - it's when we expose what we believe to be shameful to the light that it withers and dies.  i do truly hope that someday you'll be able to get the help you need so that you don't have to continue like this.  best to you, and here's a hug if you want it.   

thanks, elphanigh and blueberry, for your validation and support.  i haven't heard from my brother, and it's been several days, so i don't expect that i will.  there's nothing he can say, unless he didn't tell her, but i think, if that were true, i would've heard from him by now.

on with the medical stuff.  i'm getting notices of my lab test results.  both the adrenal hormones came back, and both are now lower than what they were when tested in mexico.  i don't know what it means, yet, won't find out till the 14th. 

yesterday, i was looking thru the med. history in this online chart they correspond with (this is all new to me!), and i noticed that the doc had me down as having ptsd.  well, i jumped on that, sent a message to my doc, then simply poured out my heart about how i've suffered at the hands of docs and therapists, and that i need help, need to have her look at every contingency.  i felt extremely vulnerable in doing this, not only in giving some of my history, but in pleading for help.  i even mentioned i was desperate.

it turns out the message was taken by an assistant who wrote back blah blah blah, so sorry, this is a space for simple questions, i'll give the doc your message so she can update your history.    an ice cube would have been warmer.  now i've got info on c-ptsd printed out to give to both the doc and the therapist, cuz i don't doubt that they're both clueless, but i do doubt that they aren't the explorer type who go off the beaten path and discover black swans.

it feels like it's gonna be another frickin' battle, i don't know.  it was spirit-sapping.  i'm sposed to see this behavioral psychologist for stress management.  well, i looked it up.  i do several of the things suggested, but they're stressful to me because they cause me pain.  i do them cuz they're supposed to be good for me, like massage, but it hurts too much to be relaxing.

i started doubting myself again.  what if, once more, all the tests come back neg., there's nothing wrong with me, they'll shrug shoulders, say i don't know - this has happened so many times in my life, i've lost count.  then, one of the articles i printed out was by van der kolk, and he restored my faith again.  there is something very unwell (not wrong) going on inside me, and it originates in my brain (i did include that in my message to my doc, that i believe there's brain damage due to layers of trauma).

my appt. isn't for 2 weeks.  i don't know how to keep my undies out of a bundle until then.  focus on the now - i just read that in someone's journal.  it's just that when i begin to focus, my brain starts running around all over the place.  i focus on breathing, breathe in, breathe out, over and over and suddenly i've had several minutes of thinking of something completely off the wall.  don't know how i got there, don't know when i stopped focusing on my breathing.  i just catch my mind in this new place, haul it back to my breathing, and inevitably, the same thing happens.  this has been going on for more than a year.

i know, wife2, breathe, but i tell ya, my mind just runs off with a mind of its own.  i think 3 roses mentioned that i was a 'flight' person, always busy.  that's probably what's going on here, but it's frustrating.  and, how do i explain this to the t who's going to be telling me to be still and relax?  frickin' battles, man.  they just won't stop.

i'm jumping the gun, i know.  it's just that it already feels like the same old thing is waiting around the corner.  wonder why i'm so fatigued?  my brain doesn't stop working!  time to live better through chemistry, slow that mother down.  my chest is pounding just writing/thinking about this.  should be a fun 2 weeks. 

i love that you're thinking of doing that speed dating thing.  i've seen the concept on tv, and it always looked interesting to me.  if you do it, i hope you let us know how it went.

big yay! for you for all that self-care and just enjoying being taken care of by others.  i never had a masseuse do that about the pain - i think i'd like that. 

keep going - i think you're doing swell.  big hug!

hey, berceuse,

can i say something here?  i don't believe you are a masochist, i don't believe any of us are.  i do believe that we've gotten so used to pain that we can feel uncomfortable when it's not there.   maybe, subconsciously, we might at times, seek for something that will bring us pain because that's what feels normal.  but i don't believe we like pain. 

i once heard that the definition of a masochist is someone who thinks it's ok to be in pain, a sadist is someone who thinks it's ok to inflict pain on another.  that turned my mind around a little about those two terms cuz it did make sense to me.   if we go back to our beginning, babies don't like pain, and they don't think it's ok to be in pain.  they let someone know loud and clear when they're in pain. 

unfortunately for too many of us, that natural instinct against pain has been taught, threatened, or punished out of us.   we don't like it - we never did.   going back to a baby's reactions for what is normal and/or instinctual in humans has helped me a lot with these kinds of situations, including with emotions and boundaries.  babies know and they don't hesitate to speak their piece.  those are our natural reactions which have been buried.

i wonder if that big frozen thing is underlying fear, anxiety, or lack of self-worth for your new job, new surroundings, doing something you enjoy, not being isolated, meeting new people - all the things that go along with regularly being present in a pub atmosphere.  i would imagine it doesn't feel good at all.  hopefully, as you get used to being there and being more comfortable with being in that 'now', the big frozen thing will begin to melt.

the power of now is really a wonderful concept, one i want to be more invested in.  i live too much in the future or past, and just don't pay attention to now very much, unless i'm uncomfortable.  then, nothing else matters.  not a very healing way to live, i don't think.  and, if this is starting over, i do believe that i need to focus more on the now as well.  thanks for sharing that, berceuse.

sounds like you're a little stuck on the anger thing.  would it help if you wrote about it?  just simple sentences, like 'i'm angry at _____________ for ________________'.  then do it again and again, just to see what  name/person comes up each time and why you feel anger toward them.  i don't know if that's the same as blaming.  rather, i see it as simply putting that anger where it belongs.    that just came to my mind because writing things out has always helped me. 

be very careful not to stop yourself if a name or person comes to your mind.  whatever comes to mind is real, or it wouldn't be there.  just write it down, get it out.  you can think about it later.  i don't know if that would help you.  writing isn't for everybody.  but, maybe it would.

i think you're doing well with everything, my dear.  starting over takes time and energy, because it involves new ways of thinking, new perspectives, and new perceptions.  best with all of this.  big hug.

well, may i jump in on this touch therapy wagon?  i hug people as often as possible - that's how i get my touch.  once a woman came up to me in the store, said that she loved what i was wearing, and i just blurted out 'i love you!' and gave her a big hug.  she looked a little surprised, but hugged me back.   that's a fun memory for me.

i hope it doesn't take long before either of you get some touch on a regular basis into your lives.  cyber hugs are all i can offer to you here, but big ones for both of you.

i hear ya on the painful part, writetolife,  it can definitely be a gritch that tears at you, not in a damaging way, but it does hurt.  i don't know why that is sometimes, having such things as realizations hurt so much.  it's like it hurts more to remember than the actual fact when it was happening.  maybe that was our protective shields at the time, preventing us from going under.

like you said, starting to feel safe and those thoughts begin to intrude.  i think sometimes it might be that we've been able to slow down enough for them to catch up to us.  we've been running from them for so long in so many ways, that when we are able to finally slow down or stop for a minute, they pile up against us at last. 

whatever it is, i've had the same kind of thing happen.    it can feel overwhelming at times, and i want to process all of it at once, get it over and done with.  i've been told that's the time to go slow, pace myself.  sometimes that's the hardest part of all, especially when it gets muddled together with the now.  i'm just glad they're beginning to slow up a bit for you.    big hug!

[are]

you don't need to apologize.  we all have to pour it out sometimes.  this is your place, your space.  we're here for you, not expecting anything in return, certainly not apologies for doing what's important for you.

kudos to you for flushing the pills.  that not only took guts, it took a will to keep going no matter how deep the trough may seem.  i wish you had those arms you so long for.  i only have cyber arms to gather you in, like the embrace of angel wings.   maybe it was an angel who helped you dial that number. 

take the time you need.  this isn't a race, you don't have to jump right back to anything.  it's also your pace.  i guess you are worth saving, slowly but surely.  love and hugs, always.   

dang, i had written a whole reply, and the keyboard jumped it into oblivion.  i hate it when that happens.

i'd like to join 3 roses in giving you warm hugs filled with love and caring.  you don't have to be perfect to warrant those - those are given freely to someone who absolutely is more than any demon.  you demonstrated that and more.  not so long ago, i was writing your exact same words - i was weary to the bone of the battle all my life, exhausted, ready to lie down and stay there.

but, something made me get up again, just as it has with you.  you have a light to shine on the world, sweetie.  you haven't quite reached the switch yet, but you're on your way.  you were in a trough, but pretty soon you'll catch a wave and hang ten again.  that's all this is, troughs and waves.  we ride them out cuz that's what we do, it's what we've always done.

pppbbbbbbbch!!! (that's supposed to be giving the raspberry) to all those demons who hang around, trying to de-feet us.  nay nay, i say!  we've got kindness, caring, and love on our side.  can't beat them.  love and hugs always, sweetie.

3roses, that sounds like some major progress, talking about that anger.  you are recognizing that it's in there, and acknowledging that you have to get to it.  you go, girl!  that was exactly how i started - it was a logical thing that it had to be there.  i figured it was in there, it had to be.  slowly but surely, i kept reaching for it.  i finally got to it, and it was great.

standing right beside you with this one.  i know it can be scary, but it's the roar, not the lion.  remember that story?  walk towards the roar, and you'll be safe - it only sounds dangerous, but it's really just hot air.  big hug!

that tiredness is normal - your brains/minds are working hard on this stuff.  blueberry, i beg to differ with you.  sleeping, giving your mind some rest, was extremely useful for you.  it deserves to rest, you deserve that sleep.  that's not wasteful sleep, that's replenishing sleep.  it's part of the healing cycle.  big hug to you, too.  you both are amazing! 

congrats to both of you feeling better.  that's always the best news of all!  yay!!!