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Messages - sanmagic7

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Successes, Progress? / Re: Yikes!
« on: August 04, 2016, 05:33:00 PM »
it will be all right, 3 roses, one way or another.  you'll feel it, you'll know it, whether it's a fit or not.  i would say within 3 sessions, you'll know.  so, in the meantime, while you're waiting, just know that it will be a new adventure in your life, nothing more or less.  i think the therapeutic relationship is like any other, in some ways.  the power dynamic is a bit different, it's not quite equal, but that doesn't mean that you don't have your same rights as with anyone else.  you still have your own power, your own boundaries, your same ability to say yes or no.  you are the one who makes the decision whether this is the right place for you, the right person for you to work with. not the other way around.

as a therapist, i like to think of myself as a guide, someone who may know the territory of recovery a little bit better than my client, and who can give them guidelines, information, help them through rough spots with techniques i know that they may not be familiar with or that they can't do on their own.  i can show them different paths, and let them know what they may be facing if they choose one over the other.  i can be an ear to hear, a shoulder to lean on, or an arm for support when the situation calls for it.  i'm there to do what's best for the client, period.  the first rule for anyone in the helping professions is 'do no harm'.  and, that's what i look for in a therapist.

so, if this is someone with whom you feel comfortable, who you feel has your best interest at heart, who is ready to listen and hear you, it will be all right.  and, if this turns out to be someone not like that, you have the right to leave with no regrets or guilt, and, therefore, it will be all right.  either way, you will be fine.   best to you on this new adventure!

Therapy / Re: Are these Red Flags????
« on: August 04, 2016, 05:08:46 PM »
i know it's been awhile, sienna.  have been going thru a rough patch.

what happened w/ your therapist?  i know you've kind of had on again-off again feelings about what has happened in therapy.  is it a reality thing, as in did something happen in a session?  did she say something, do something?    i'm not denying your feelings, nor invalidating you.   can you talk to her about it?  as far as i can see, anything that happens in session, or about a session, is or can be a topic for a session.  not knowing what went on makes it difficult to try to guess.  i know you'll make it through this, tho.  i'm just sorry you're having more therapist problems.  that's a drag.

General Discussion / Re: How are you all going?
« on: August 04, 2016, 04:35:24 PM »
this has sounded so positive on here from everyone.  even myself. as i read over what everyone had to say, i just felt so glad so many of you are doing well, dealing with life as it comes along. 

unfortunately, i've had a major setback since i last wrote.  about a month ago, a doctor poisoned me - he gave me meds to take that turned out not to be for what was going on with me, they were extremely strong, i was supposed to take them for 10 days, but after 5 i was already experiencing diarrhea, and decided to do some research on this drug.  that's when i found out that diarrhea can be a side effect, and i stopped taking it immediately.  but, this was a type of med that continued to work in the body even after it was stopped, and the diarrhea lasted for about 3 1/2 weeks, daily.  besides that, i got some lab work done (in my research i discovered that this drug was extremely hard on the liver, and that the patient should have lab tests done both before it is administered, and during the time it's taken.  this doc did neither) and found out that i had a kidney infection and possibly my liver had gotten infected as well.  so, antibiotics for a week.

part of my c-ptsd problems have been physical, and one of those has been muscle aches in my lower back.  i've been seeing a pressure point massage therapist to help rid my muscles of toxins, emotions, etc. that i've stored there for years.  we'd been making progress until this happened.  now, the entire middle of my back is paining me terribly because of what had happened to my innards for nearly a month.  i got it worked on mon. eve, she got the knots out that were part of the problem, but now i'm working with nerve pain due to inflammation caused by the infection and constantly running to the john all those days.  i can barely walk, and what's almost worse to me is that i have no energy, no mental capacity to continue writing right now!  i can't concentrate for the pain.  it p*sses me off no end, and i just want to cry and beat the bed and string that friggin' doc (he's not even a real doctor.  in our little town, we get those who do their internship with little to no supervision.  and most of them think they're god.  arrogant pukes!) up by his thumbs!

so, i wish i could have added that i'm still doing wonderfully, but the truth is that this has set me back worse than ever.  i do everything i know how to ease the pain (actually, it's the inflammation that's causing the problem, and my system produces an overabundance of inflammation in response to any kind of stress), so i'm concentrating on several techniques geared toward lowering the amount of inflammation, but it's a vicious cycle - the pain is stressful which means my system produces inflammation which, in turn, causes more pain, etc.  so weary . . .this is really bringing me down.

Sexual Abuse / Re: *trigger* abuse?
« on: August 04, 2016, 04:06:57 PM »
hey, sandstone,

i understand because i've been there, from both sides.  i've been with alcoholics/addicts, and am one myself, in recovery.  i've also counselled that population. 

i'll be interested to know how this all turns out.  and, if you have any questions, feel free to ask. 

i once had a couple for therapy where the man smoked pot every day.  he told me he didn't have a problem, that he was in a band, and that's what band members do.  i asked him if he'd be willing to stop smoking for as long as we were having sessions.   (this could be the same for drinking or any other addiction).  he agreed.  what happened that i thought was interesting was how much of a difference his wife could see once he wasn't smoking.  she never realized how different he was without it because she was so used to him being high every day.  and, she was able to tell him that she liked him better when he wasn't high.  it was a turning point in their relationship.

the point of this is that you will be with a different partner if he does, indeed, stop drinking, and it may feel uncomfortable to you at first.  with your family history, i would imagine you're very used to the thought processes, and behaviors of active drinkers, people with whom you have been close for a great part of your life.  that's why getting into a support group for yourself (al-anon) is so important for you, whether he stops drinking or not.  your own dynamic with active drinkers probably has its own patterns that you may be unaware of (such as your reference to going to bed and inviting him to hit you). 

addiction, as it has been said, is a family disease, which means the addictive, dysfunctional dynamic between the parties involved (you and your partner) doesn't necessarily stop once sobriety appears.  both people have issues to be explored, understood, and resolved to make the relationship a happy, healthy, adult relationship.  i'm rooting for you.

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Healing the roots
« on: August 04, 2016, 12:37:17 AM »
3roses, you just made my day!  gotta run, but wanted to tell you thank you for what you said.  love you for it!  big hug!

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Healing the roots
« on: August 03, 2016, 09:58:22 PM »
*possible triggeres*

i took the chakra test, and discovered that both my crown and root chakras were out of balance.  but, it's my root chakra that is in truly bad shape.  it came in at a -50%!  it's not even at 0, and, in fact, is far, far below it.

i began thinking about my life, my childhood, and realized that i remember my mother telling me how i had to have an anal cyst removed when i was still very young - under 2, possibly when a baby.  then i remembered that my parents were extremely concerned about bowel movements, having them daily, and that i remember them giving me enemas, but i don't remember ever complaining of feeling constipated.  this was happening before i was 9.  i don't really remember how many times it happened, but i sense that it was more than once.

for much of my life i've felt 'floaty', like i floated through life just seeing what was coming next, taking part, not planning anything, very spur of the moment, flying by the seat of my pants.  this makes so much sense now.  without a functioning root chakra, how could i possibly feel grounded?  know who i am?  know what i want?  anything that pertains to self-knowledge at all?

i began doing the meditation described at the eclectic energies site, focusing on my root chakra.  when it said that it should be akin to a transparent clear red color, in my mind's eye i saw mine as being the color and opaqueness of dried blood.  whew!  this is an awful feeling just writing about it.  i want to weep for my little girl-me. 

i have also been doing those energy exercises that 3roses suggested, and they are working well, so far.  it's only been about 3 days, but when i've tried other types of energy work i knew immediately that it didn't suit me, and was disturbing rather than helpful.  this didn't feel like that at all.  so, thank you 3roses for suggesting them.  and, than you, macandrui for this info as well.  i'll be looking it up, see what i can find out.

i just feel so bad that i'm such a mess in ways i'd never have guessed.  so sad, so weary that there's even more work to do, more areas to focus on.  glad for the explanations, but i'm also feeling like i'm too old for this sh*t!!!  dang!  i f***ing hate all those people who did this to me!  and who have gotten away with it, living their little lives with no frickin' justice!   aaaargh!  pisses me off!

ok, that came out of nowhere!  just more anger triggered by new information.  i hate this sh*t!

Sexual Abuse / Re: *trigger* abuse?
« on: August 03, 2016, 09:26:50 PM »
sandstone, may i be so bold as to suggest that couples counseling may be a good idea for the two of you?  if he's serious about wanting to stop drinking, a therapist may be able to help guide him to resources, such as 12-step groups (AA), informative books, etc. (and those might help both of you as well) so that he can have support for his quitting, and you can both learn more about what alcohol addiction is all about.  and, an al-anon group may be very helpful for you, too.  again, support is available, as well as tools for coping with alcoholic behavior.

i also noticed in your post that twice you denigrated yourself, calling yourself stupid and feeling ashamed because you lashed out at his inappropriate behavior.  you may feel stupid and ashamed about your actions, but you don't have to.  addictions and addictive behavior have a life of their own, and when we grow up with them, it is a life with which we are familiar, and, therefore, comfortable.  however, our feelings about the behavior are natural as well.  anger, frustration, anxiety, and whatever else may be in that mix are not only about the present, but, i'm guessing, they're about the past, too. 

and, trying to explain to an active alcoholic how you're feeling, especially when said alcoholic is drinking, will not be understood.  yes, i've seen the change in the eyes in my narc ex, and i knew that the man i was married to had gone, and someone else had taken his place.  but, even when not drinking, an alcoholic mindset cannot grasp the perspective of recovery, even if it's recovery from something different, like c-ptsd.  it's like you're speaking a different language to him, one that he doesn't understand.  and, even more, one that he is not able to understand unless he gets into recovery himself, and begins to work on his own issues.

i hope some of this is helpful, and/or makes sense to you.  best to you.  if you both go down a recovery path, i believe that the two of you can heal together.

Sexual Abuse / Re: *trigger* abuse?
« on: August 03, 2016, 04:03:13 PM »
from what you wrote about your history with your mum and trying to talk to her, i'd say you took a big step, and the result was a change for the better.  as 3roses said, that's a gift, and one you gave yourself.   good for you - i acknowledge your bravery, courage, and perseverance.  and, very glad your mum was able to be accountable for her part in that.

i'm not surprised you have an alcoholic partner.  we often pick people to be with in later life to mirror what we had gotten comfortable with in childhood.  not that we like it, it's just that we're comfy with the behaviors, the chaos, and not knowing exactly what to expect when.  best to you with all that.  i hope you can continue to share your progress.  we're here for you. 

you said that you and your wife are in both couples and individual therapy.  i think that's a good start.

a personal example:  my husband and i, married for 14 yrs..  i am suffering from c-ptsd, brought about by past relationships.  however, in our couple relationship, there were things that i went along with from him until i began getting healthier/being able to set boundaries to the point that i began telling him what i didn't want in our relationship anymore.   

he argued at first, i kept battling for my rights, began showing him printouts that i found online as to what constitutes a healthy relationship as far as rights and communication are concerned.  he has been able to acknowledge what he was doing that was abusive to me, and is in the process, through therapy and self-insight, to make the changes necessary so that we can stay together and have a good relationship for both of us.

was he part of the c-ptsd for me?  yes, in the abusive ways he talked to me, treated me at times.  was he the original cause?  no, but i was struggling with healing from my past issues as long as he was continuing to stay unhealthy in the relationship with me.  it was a matter of trust and safety issues - i wasn't able to trust that the verbal abuse wouldn't show itself at times, therefore i didn't feel safe.  and, feeling safe is the first level of being able to move into healing other issues.  it's pretty difficult to do that if you don't feel safe in the first place.

although no one is going to be perfect at any of this all the time, abuse cannot be allowed, not of any kind.  it simply triggers past issues, and the whole ball begins rolling again.  it will be to your and your wife's benefit if you can pinpoint what, exactly, is abusive to her.  this may be something to explore either just the two of you, or in a couples session.  those, then, are the issues you take into your individual therapy to work on, and to eventually resolve so they don't happen anymore.  and, in your couples session, guidelines can be set up, as to what she would do if you do, indeed, slip.  this way, you both have a map of what's happening, why, and with that, understanding of what triggered the slip in the first place. 

these issues are many-layered.  i give you a lot of credit for wanting to work on your issues in order to continue to be with your wife in a happy, healthy, safe way.  it can be hard work, painful at times, to look at what's going on with you and why.  and, may i suggest you drop the idea of 'that's who i am' and change that to 'that's who i was'.  'who i am' is extremely limiting, puts up walls against change, and essentially blocks personal progress.

best to both of you on this journey.  i sure do hope it works out for the best for both of you.

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Self-referencing
« on: August 01, 2016, 10:57:04 PM »
i have struggled with this concept for quite a while, especially since i began getting sick (about 20 yrs. now), knowing that it was the continued stress i had been under that was causing me to become ill.  my problem became not being able to explain what was going on with me and why in any articulate fashion.

i knew within me what had been happening, but anyone i attempted to explain it to just couldn't, wouldn't, or didn't understand.  docs, therapists, friends, family - i couldn't get myself to be understood.  i was self-referencing (although i didn't know the term at the time) but no one else knew my frame of reference, and my brain had been bullied by the machinations of the abusers in my life to the extent that i couldn't explain myself quickly or accurately enough.  hours, sometimes days later, i would think of what i could have or wished i would have said.  i feel like i've been in an ongoing battle to be me for over 30 yrs.

because this sense of self-referencing has come along late in my life (i really didn't have much of an inkling as to who i was until i was in my 50's), i also was victim to the idea of other-referencing, making myself look okay, sound okay, seem okay to others, and when i did that 'wrong' the shame and self-criticizing came into play.  and i would feel horrible until someone would validate me again as still being a friend, still loving me, still wanting to hang out with me, or whatever.

the whole thing has been extremely frustrating.  the narcs in my life were much better at expressing themselves than i, which made me feel stupid (and i know i'm not) or that my brain was becoming unraveled.  still, i kept battling, trying to validate myself by doing so much online research into long-term chronic stress and things of that nature.  hadn't really heard or known much about c-ptsd or npd and narc abuse, even tho i was in the middle of it all.  and, of all the professions i've been in contact with (including my own - i'm a therapist for over 25 yrs.) no one has ever acknowledged the idea of chronic stress as a destructive force, or that such a thing as c-ptsd existed.

i was other-referencing all the time before my own awareness of something being very wrong with me because of chronic stress (that's the only way i knew it) kicked in.  i'm just glad i lived long enough to name this beast, put this piece of the puzzle in place, and begin on a path (through the help of all of you and this forum) that finally makes sense and is understood.  it's very validating to know i was right all along, even though very few people in my life to this day know what i'm talking about. 

when i read in here about how people are finding their way through this jungle of horror and deceit, finding the courage to share what they've been through, how they think and feel, i am glad to have lived long enough to feel this and see this.   it's all good.

i agree with 3roses.  seeking medical or any other kinds of professional help has to be your own decision.  you are the only one who knows what is right for you.

have you tried any alternative procedures or techniques?  i'm not familiar with names of books, but there are self-help books for things like acupressure, yoga, meditation, and relaxation that may calm some of the nerves that are causing pain.  i have lots of muscle pain, and see a massage therapist who specializes in pressure points.  when pressed correctly, they can release both toxins and stored up emotions/trauma/feelings that will help ease some pain.  there are also books that show where pressure points are in your body if you care to try it on your own.  the internet and youtube have lots of information on self-help strategies for relaxation and pain relief.  eft tapping can also be used for physical conditions such as ibs, pain relief, or weight problems, to name a few.  i've just typed in general headings and poked around to see what information is available. 
i don't know if any of this is appealing to you, but i, too, only go to docs to get what i need when i need it.   so much of what is wrong with me physically is due to all the stress i've endured, and i've had plenty of tests in my time, so now i work on alleviating the stress and what has come from it by different alternative means.  good luck to you with this.  being in pain and not having the right kind of care is frustrating, to say the least.

General Discussion / Re: Do people poke you?
« on: August 01, 2016, 03:02:47 PM »
i've known pokers, nudgers, arm slappers, elbowers, even neck massagers!  when i'm with a good friend, we can do that kind of thing as an inside joke to each other.  the rest of them are just irritating, and very definitely disregarding personal space and boundaries.  i've told people that if they do it again, i'm not going to stand or sit near them, and have followed through with that.  they got the point.  my husband has a habit of patting me on the knee when he's talking and we're in the car.  i put my hand over his and press down until it stops.  it's so annoying!

General Discussion / Re: Frightened Of My Own Mind
« on: August 01, 2016, 02:41:03 PM »
wildfire:  are you currently in therapy? is there someone you can call when you feel like this?  may i suggest, if you don't already have a therapist that you find one as soon as you can.  that is someone who can possibly give you the answers you are seeking.  there are tests that help determine types of mental illnesses, guidelines for those such as schizophrenia.

in the meantime, personally, i don't think you are crazy.  you are too lucid in your writing, too coherent in the way you put your thoughts together to form easily understandable sentences.  a truly crazy person is removed from reality in such a way as to not be able to make the sense that you're making as you've written your thoughts/feelings down.  it may feel like crazy because you are having thoughts/feelings that aren't normal for you, that don't normally come to mind.   

it sounds like, perhaps, going on holiday has given your brain a rest from being busy with all your everyday work, like job, chores, errands, bills, etc. and because it's not busy the way it's used to, it's just gone in other directions.  learning that one is suffering with c-ptsd can be a big blow to the mind with all its ramifications, all the many levels of your conscious and unconscious that are affected, all the stored thoughts and feelings that have been kept intact as you go about your daily routine.  add jet lag, a new and different environment, people you don't know who are around you in a different scenario than you're used to, different food, different schedule, different bed, even, and that can knock the socks off anyone for a day or two.  put c-ptsd on top of all that and you have the makings of a mind-blowing experience, so to speak.

and, if what i've written makes any sense to you, if you can understand it, you're not crazy.

thanks, snailspace.  and, actually, i am feeling better today, like a mist has lifted.  i feel a bit lighter, clearer.  it's hard to trust, tho.  i never understood when people talked about waiting for the other shoe to fall, but today i understand it perfectly.  it's not a fun thing to feel.

one thing i'm learning about myself (and it's about time!) is that i've been so numb for so long, and it's like a blowtorch thawed me out all at once, and i've had all this crapola to deal with since jan., and i never even realized it was there!  people in this forum talk freely about inner critics and such, and i spent most of my life denying any such thing, just moving along my way, dealing with what came along as it came along, and not looking back.  until jan.  it's taken a heavy physical toll, tho.  that's where everything has been stored all these years, and at my age, it's difficult to reverse the charges, so to speak.  the ol' bod just can't respond like it did when it was younger. 

i'm very glad, tho, for everyone who is realizing what's happened to them while they're much younger than i.  i've only really gotten a handle on what c-ptsd means in the past 2 yrs., finally did nc w/ the two people in my life who i'd loved and trusted to love me back (narc ex and daughter) and got triggered into this horrendous e.f. by the 1-yr. anniversary of that nc decision.  still, i'm going to enjoy feeling better today.  i think it's the first break i've had from this since jan.  it almost feels like a vacation!

ok, sienna, then i have enough energy to tell your inner critic it is wrong!  and, sesame, same for you.  as far as i'm concerned, worthless people don't come to forums like this to find answers and support.  mainly because worthless people would not be interested in the truth, in how to do things differently, and certainly not to respond to someone else who is in pain.  maybe i'm being judgmental when i say 'worthless' people.  i do mean people who are not worth my time and energy.  both of you are worth both, which is why i'm writing this.  and, as i say this, it also bolsters up my own belief in myself, that i am worth this good stuff, too.  inner critics can take a hike!  as the comedian once said 'we don't need no stinkin' inner critics!'  lol! 

unfortunately, rejection is a part of life.  but, when people lead us on, then reject us, it seems to hurt just that little (or lot) bit more.  i am in the process of grieving past hurts and losses, and i have to admit that they do open doors to more.  at my age, tho, there have been a lot that i haven't admitted to along the way, and they have come crashing down on me lately.   i've been so very numb for so very long that i didn't even allow things like inner critics to wiggle their way into my being at times of rejection.   

i think the idea that you can feel/hear these inner critics at this point in your lives, if i might put a different spin on it, is a good thing.  i believe that it's only when we're aware of something that we can do something about it.  i was unaware for most of my life, subconsciously stuffing everything negative into my body so that i could continue on with the situation(s) at hand. 

because of this, i am now suffering physically (as well as emotionally and mentally) where all my neg. emotions, feelings, thoughts, and  messages had been stored.  i applaud you both for being so in touch with yourselves.  when you can see the dragon, you can slay it.  keep up the good work - and it is good work, because it's constructive, forward-moving, and ultimately beneficial to you and those around you.

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