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yeah!  and amen to that!

a little step back in here.  feeling better, thank you, god.   i'm thinking meds aren't the way to go for me.  the docs are irresponsible here, it's a gov't-run health org. and i learned thru my own research on the net that these meds should probably have been started incrementally with me, let my body get adjusted to them.   this was the same pattern as the last 2 times with system-altering meds, complete rejection after 3 days.  plus, this time there were other side effects that were pretty nasty.  these 'cures' will kill me, and i just won't have that.

so i did more investigating into neuro-plasticity, mind over brain, changing the brain thru mental messages and i think that's the way i'm gonna go.  one of the articles i read said that the most important thing is to believe it can happen.  i believe, i believe!!!  and, that the more positive thoughts and messages you give yourself, the more positive neurons form and will eventually override and/or outnumber the neg. thoughts and messages.  i'm going for it.

my routine now includes some mindful breathing every day, gentle trauma-based yoga, and when a pain hits me, i tell my brain that it's a false message.  i did that 3 or 4 times today with a shooting pain in my shoulder, and it went away.  my system just doesn't want those chemicals inside it, and the docs are giving me no alternatives, no weaning on or off this crapola, and since i'm not a doc, i don't know how to wean on (especially with capsules, all those little beads.) with the correct doses.  i know how to wean off something, but don't want to take a chance with this stuff the other way around. 

there was a time, maybe 30 yrs. ago, when i was getting out of that mess with the icky therapist, and i saw a counselor, just a few times, but one time she told me to imagine i was at the end of my life looking backwards, which i did.  she asked how old i was, i said, without hesitation, 92.  i've been believing that ever since, and altho it's been rocky here of late, today i still do.  i will make this work by hook or crook, dammit!  everyone is welcome to join me, get the better of this beast whichever way is best for us individually.

for those of you who celebrate easter, have a happy one.  for everyone, happy, happy spring, one of my four top favorite seasons of the year.  enjoy!  dang, it feels good to be back, even if it's for these 10 min.

sick from the new meds.  back when i can.

contessa, you made that word your own!      it's great!

hoping all goes well for you with this.  good for you, my dear.  well done!  big hug!!!

hey, blues_cruise,

during my lifetime, i've had many, many people ask me why i was so sad or if i was ok.  it always happened when i was out in public, and was not animatedly talking or laughing.   i finally realized that my eyes carried my sadness for myself and all that i'd lost or never got in my life, and that it was very evident to anyone who saw them.

i looked at this as a curiosity, didn't think much of it until i began recovery here.  i'm finding out that my body has held my emotions for most of my life because i was so out of touch with them.  my hub tells me my eyes look less sad now than 15 yrs. ago, but the sadness that i didn't know about, didn't know how to feel or how to express, took its toll on my eyes.  i've got several eye problems now that i'm in the process of working to heal.

i don't know if this has ever happened to you before, but you may be giving off some kind of signal/vibe that you are struggling right now.  i don't think it's anything to be ashamed of.  it just seems like it might be a sign of the depth of your struggles and discomfort.   we've all been there, you're certainly not alone.

i hope this doesn't keep you from going out, tho.  i hope you had a good time (i love bingo!).  when i've had those kinds of comments, they were always from a place of care and concern.  nice people.  i never had one neg. experience with it.   

hi, hazy,

i agree a lot with what radical says.  i think we may have a dominant 'type', but we learn how to do all of them as the situation warrants.

i have had my own problems with arrogance, dismissing what others said, not making eye contact cuz i somehow thought i was better than them.   i was programmed to do that, i know that now.  insight and awareness are the first steps to changing our 'go-to' responses to others. 

it'll take time and work, won't always be clean and clear, you'll sometimes feel messy, but as you continue in recovery (at least, this is how it worked for me), you'll be able to change those programmed patterns of response and set up the ones that fit more with who you really are inside.   it'll happen.  baby steps and patience, especially with yourself.   you'll get to where you need to be.

welcome, calex

i, too, am not a proponent of organized religion for myself, altho i can understand how it can bring comfort, etc., to others.  it just didn't work that way for me, so i made my own way to discover a spirituality that fit for me.  i dipped a toe into a lot of other spiritual agendas from different tribes, peoples, etc., but since i wasn't one of them i soon realized i didn't have the same affinity/history for their perspectives.

so, i've found my own and am happy with it.  i think it's great, hazy, that you found a group of people with whom you can relate.   it is a special kind of feeling to 'belong'.  to my mind, this is all so personal - what works for one might not work for another and vice versa.  i do think spirituality is an important component of recovery, tho.  just my opinion. 

welcome, bazou, glad you found us.

i've found this forum to be ever so helpful in unraveling the twists, turns, and confusions that has been my life.   i was definitely in a state of not knowing what was going on or why.  not only have i gotten a lot of answers here, but a ton of support, validation, caring, and kindness from the wonderful people who are going through their own recovery journeys. 

best to you, always.

no need to worry - it's all good.  do what you can when you can.  we still love you.  big hug!

my heart aches for you, cd.   i was in a position of not getting medications in a timely manner, and i ended up writing a letter to the director of our clinic, the director of the clinic in charge of ours, and the person in charge of the pharmacy at the other clinic (from which our meds were sent).  it was about psych meds, so i did some research and included notations about the possibility of suicide if not receiving meds regularly, etc., and that they would be liable if anything happened to me. 

yes, others were being affected as well, but at the time i was focused on me.  we all benefitted, tho, because after that the monthly allotment of psych meds. came on a regular basis. 

i don't know if that's something you can do, or something similar.  the idea that you can't report this without dire consequences is appalling to me.  i hate that b.s.   i hope you can find a way to get what you need without more harm to you.    wishing you all the best with this. 

dang, contessa!!!  what a buttwipe!  yeah, take your time to process this, but for the nonce (love that word!) keep yourself safe and know that i'm so happy this woman was able to talk to you about this and had the good grace to admit and apologize to you.  breakthrough, indeed!  i'm so glad i saw this - i'm smiling for you right now!  great way to cap the day.  love and hugs, contessa.

hey, magnet, and welcome,

i'll be 70 this year.  i'm going thru a lot of physical issues due to being traumatized and this is where my energy is focused right now.  i've put in a lot of hard work since i discovered the c-ptsd beast, battling it as hard as i've battled to be me all my life. 

the battles have taken their toll.  i do finally feel like i'm the me i've always known was inside, so the battles to maintain that seem smaller and use less energy than before.  now i'm girding my loins for the physical battles, whatever they may entail, which is my new focus. 

as far as my psyche goes, i believe that as long as i stay connected here, i will continue to learn and heal.  it will be more of a path of continuing self-compassion, recognizing my emotions and accepting them as they are, and accepting all parts of me as i am.  i am ready in case something comes up that i hadn't dealt with, and i will be open to that.  so, no, i won't shut the door on continuing recovery.  i will now take it a little easier on myself, tho.  best to you with this, and on your own journey. 

i totally agree with candid - let others feel sorry for the abusers of the world if they so wish.  let them forgive them if they want to.  if it doesn't work for me, then it's not mine to do.  like you said,  rubyfog, you didn't create the abusers, that belongs to someone else. 

your anger is valid and valuable for your health, well-being, and recovery.  we honor that anger here, and celebrate you being able to release it.  ricepen did a great job of an angry rant in support!!  and, i'll just add this to abusers everywhere - BITE ME!!!   big hug to you.

you most certainly did survive, woodsgnome, and, even tho it's messy sometimes, you continue to survive, continue to learn, continue to share here, with us, which allows you to continue to be. 

i believe that as you continue all these important facets of who you are, you will also come to a place where you will be able to see the shame/blame/guilt demons through glasses of a different perspective.  you are making progress, of that there is no doubt.   you will get to where you want to go, step by step.   

yay for you, wife2.  you so deserve a good day!  well done on all counts.  yahoo!