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asyouwish, those nasty schemas won't always win.  the more you take care of yourself, do kind and loving things for yourself, the less room those 'i hate myself' schemas will have, and they'll eventually be pushed out.  it takes time and work, but it's do-able. 

i hope you have a good time with your friends.  they're your friends because they see the beautiful swan that you are inside (where it counts) where you often see only the ugly duckling you picture through the eyes of the blind of heart. 

i took melatonin last night with my full dose of benzo.  i slept nearly all afternoon.  i don't know if it was because of what i took or because i was exhausted from all the doc stuff yesterday.  i'm going to use it again tonite, but with 1/2 the benzo, see what happens.  no dreams at all.  so much of this stuff is experimental.  i'd like to get off the benzos cuz of my liver (i'm worried that it's already been damaged due to lots of meds).  plus, i've been taking this stuff for 20 yrs.  don't know what that's done to my brain, either.

i know that i'm physically addicted to them, but not psychologically, so i'm not worried about that.  it's always possible to slowly wean off them.  we'll see what happens tonite and tomorrow. 

hey,

i've heard that healthy relationships help promote healing, that a helping/healing environment or community does the same. 

i have found that here on this forum.  the help and support i've been given here has hastened my ability to heal, to continue moving forward, and to feel safe enough to be me, warts and all.  i would think that being continually thrust back into an unhealthy situation with unhealthy people would be counter-productive to healing. 

it's up to each of us to decide what our healing is worth.  i've eliminated several people from my life within the past year who i realized were hindering my healing.  above all, recovery is personal and centered on our selves.  we are the only ones who can provide a safe, healing environment for personal growth and recovery. 

we are here for you if you so choose to utilize the support this forum can provide.   i'm sorry that you have someone in your life who doesn't want to see you recover and become a healthier version of yourself.   i have no doubt you'll figure out what to do about that when you're ready.  perhaps your t can help you with that, too.  (by the by, a good relationship with your t would count as a healthy relationship in real life.)  best to you with this.

hey, kezkel, welcome!  so glad you made it here.

this place has welcomed me warmly from the first day, even tho i had no specific diagnosis.  i knew i fit, tho, and it felt really good.  i've found the most caring, kind, and generous people here, and so much support.  they definitely 'get it'.

so, happy to have you with us.  roam around the grounds, post what you're comfortable with, and see what
you can learn.  jump in whenever you're ready.  your recovery, your pace. 

3 roses, i was just finishing up when your post came through.  perfect timing!  love that picture - it's really quite outstandingly lovely!  takes after you, methinks! 

you were there with me, all of you.  my daughter came in with me and helped me speak about what was going on. 


the doc felt good, i'm going to go back to her.  i ended up with the 'slows' by the time we were done, and i was able to show her what i was talking about.  she's got me going to see a behavioral psychologist to discuss stress management.  we'll see how that goes.  i'm also getting referred to a retinologist and dermatologist - she saw a mole on my belly that she didn't like the looks of.  i've got about 50,000 moles and i don't like the looks of any of them!!!   lol!!!

anyway, my legs are beginning to come back now.  this is about 3 hrs. later.  i did tell her that i wanted a brain scan, she kind of ignored that, but i'll keep at it.  she wants to see what these other lab results say, i think.  she's cautious, as most of them are, but she was also gentle and seemed caring - not at all gruff or dismissive.  i think she's gonna need some education, as will the psychologist, on c-ptsd and alexithymia.  that will come in time.

i'm hopeful.  she did say right off the bat when she was looking at the list of stuff that is bothering me that this was going to take time.  i know that, and i don't have a problem with it.  luckily i have enough extra eye drops to keep the glaucoma at bay until i get around to seeing someone. 

i did find melatonin when i went shopping.  someone had mentioned it for help with sleeping, so i'm going to give it a whirl tonite along with my benzo, see what a difference, if any, it makes.  i've been doing magnesium with my klonopin for a few nights, and it seems to have been helping me sleep more deeply - i haven't felt the desperate need for naps the past few days.  that's very new for me. 

i think that because i don't have to get up at 5 every morning is making a difference, too.  if i wake up, i can go back to sleep not worrying about what time i might get up.  before, my hub's alarm went off at 5, and if i woke up at 3 or 4, i'd just stay up cuz it would take too long to fall back asleep.  i'd aggressively guard my nap time - it was nearly claws out and fangs bared.  i don't have that feeling this way.

so, i think even this is part of my healing, finding my own sleep rhythm.  i'm looking to be extremely selfish in this phase of my recovery.  i just finished talking to my hub, and, like i told him, my not being there is a load of worry off his shoulders, too.  especially during the summer.  he worried about me constantly getting stuck in the heat and what it would do to me. 

knowing he doesn't have to worry about me is also something off my mind, because, truth be told, i'd worry about me in the heat as well.  it would be 100 by 7:30 a.m., which was when i'd be coming home from buying groceries every week, completely exhausted and feeling totally out of it.  it seems that as i write about this, more of these things i'd been dealing with on a regular basis are falling off my shoulders.  it's a good feeling.

black swans, huh!  magnificent.  i'm glad you liked that story, and i'd love to see those tatoos!  i can't remember when or where i heard it, but i looked it up and found it to be true, and i thought of people like me who haven't fit in the 'norm' on so many levels.  it seems to embrace all of us here.  beautiful black swans, that's what we are.  i embrace you all right back. 

thanks so much for being with me, for pulling for me through my rantings and ramblings, and  for pulling me through these trying times i've been experiencing.  you are all in my heart, always.  i love you all.  this is what friends and family are supposed to be like, and i'm honored that you've included me.  time for some porch-sitting.  i've got my citricel with me, gonna put my feet up for a bit.  the future looks brighter. 

sweetie, you already have the caring - it's very apparent.

as for wisdom, well, i don't know how wise i am.  i draw from experiences i've had over time.  since i've had a lot more of both than you, i've managed to have some different perspectives on things at times.  yours will come as you keep moving forward, learning, seeing what's around you, formulating opinions, changing them and yourself as you get older.  there's no magic formula, that's for sure.  just one foot in front of the other.

you'll get to exactly where you want to go, of that i have no doubt.  you are very special.   big hug!

thanks for that, 3 roses.  it really explains a lot for me.  especially being silenced.  i really feel like my emotions were not just neglected, but denied - a much stronger verb in my mind.  and, without my emotions, i literally was floating.  how do you make boundaries when you're somewhere in the air?  there's nothing tangible to relate to.

dee, you really have come a long way.  i'm so very happy for you.  and, onward you go.  it's so great to be watching this for you.  yay!   love and hugs to you on such an accomplishment.

you know, i've gotten myself into such a snit over this doc appt., and thinking it over, i believe i've been experiencing an ef over it.  it has triggered me back into all the medical walls i've experienced over the past 30 years, and the fear rose up and roared in my face.  this caused me to just write all the unnecessary thoughts and feelings down here, and to stir myself up even further into a bad place.

then, as i've read so many times in posts about past abuse, i would wonder if i was making it up, if it wasn't as bad as i thought about it, if i was just being a baby.  those thoughts crossed my mind last night.  maybe my brain is fine and it's just me, trying to get attention or something.  doubting myself big time.  maybe i'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and it's some simple little thing that i should have been taking care of all along.

so, i am definitely stirred.  my digestive system is going bananas, worse than ever.  i feel sick, like i'm getting the flu - my eyes hurt, my face feels warm from the inside, i am fatigued and lethargic, as well as in pain.  i also thought about how many times i went to docs, asking questions, just to get an 'i don't know' and no follow-up.  i would feel terrible and all the tests came back saying nothing's wrong.

that happened earlier this year.  i kept telling the doc i had adrenal fatigue, he adamantly denied it, said my symptoms were the same as thyroid.  he finally agreed to test my adrenals and my thyroid - sure enough, the thyroid was fine, the adrenals were not.

on to the internal medicine doc this past april.  she looked at the adrenal test, decided that what she saw couldn't be so, and ordered another test to prove she was right.  i left before i had to see her again.    this is another diagnosis that the medical profession doesn't generally believe in - either adrenals are working, or they're not.  no gray areas, like 'fatigue'.  similar to our experiences with c-ptsd and alexithymia.  they're not in the manual, so they don't exist.

we are black swans.  the bell curve generally used by teachers, docs, therapists - any and all in the helping professions - has a small wing on one side of it, bells up and curves down, then has another small wing on the other side of it.  between these two small wings lie 80% of the population.  these are the people and their maladies that are taken as the norm.

but, what about the 10% represented by each small wing?  what about that 20% of the population that is basically ignored because it is outside the 'norm'?  how are they looked at and treated?  practically non-existent so basically ignored.

for many, many years, people believed there were no black swans, because all they ever saw were white swans.  eventually, someone went exploring off the beaten path in new zealand (i think - this is a true story) and lo and behold, they discovered a bunch of black swans.  these beautiful birds (look up a picture of them - they are magnificent) lived nowhere else in the world.  if it weren't for these hardy explorers whose curiosity sent them to regions unknown, the world would continue to believe that black swans don't exist.

i think of us as black swans.  we are magnificent creatures, surviving in our own way in our own place.  we are outside the bell curve, and it is only those in the helping professions who are curious enough to be explorers that will discover us and learn about us.  i'm hoping this doc is one of those explorers.  i deserve to be recognized and acknowledged. 

so, i will fight for that today.  fight for validation and verification that i exist as my own unique being.  whatever it takes, whatever i must do.  i can do this because i am not alone.  thank you for being with me. 

i echo wife2's sentiments and thoughts.  there she is, again, with another brilliant catch phrase for us to wallow in and enjoy - emotional genius.  good one, wife2!!!  you're not so bad yourself!

elphanigh, your heartfelt goals for the future speak so highly of you and that great heart wife2 talked about.    that reminds me of harry potter (one of my favorite stories), how dumbledore told him that with all the horrors he had in the past, it was the love he kept in his heart that would allow him to be the leader he was meant to be. 

i see the same for you, sweetie.  love and hugs, always!

i love what dee said, about minimizing the hair-pulling.  i think minimizing any kind of self-harm is not ok.

i also love dee's suggestions for giving oneself those few seconds' time in order to break the automatic-ness of our self-harm cycle.  it speaks to mindfulness, keeping ourselves present in the present so that we are aware of what we are doing and when.

i think your realizations about your true skill level is remarkably wonderful for you.  look at that - you had the answer inside you all the time!  good for you for discovering it, acknowledging it.  that's what will keep you on a steadier path with this.  well done, blueberry, well done!  in my best tony the tiger voice, you're grrr-e-e-a-a-t!!! 

that doesn't mean you might not do it again, might not be perfect at this, but i think you've come a long way with being more full of self-worth, and that's always a good thing.   love and hugs!

wow!  i agree with you, dee, the boundary thing and personal empowerment (to be able to use our voice, to not be intimidated about making a scene, to be 'impolite' - dang, how many times have i experienced that!!!) is vital to us in our lives, for our lives.

i'm so very glad that the people there know what's going on and have done what they can to help and protect you.  brava for you that you're going ahead with the restraining order.  that really is a scary thing to do - like you said, it is demanding that your boundaries be respected.  not something many of us are comfortable doing.

good for you, and well done.  you rock!  love and hugs!!!

elphanigh, i know you're with me, and you, too, lingurine, and everyone here.  i can feel you when i just stop for a minute.  you're all around me, and i'm safe with you.

i've been on anti-depressants several times, as well as anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, and more.  the last time was in april, i was given prozac.  it made me move like a robot, actually uncoordinated arms and legs - even my mouth worked in a very robotic manner when i talked.  my daughter could hear it over the phone.  that happened in only 3 days of being on it.

when i was on effexor, eventually it started affecting my legs.  at the time i was diagnosed bi-polar, and the shrink said that the bi-polar was getting worse, that's why my legs were shooting out randomly sideways.  so she put me on a mood stabilizer or some such thing.  again, and that was about 4 yrs. ago, within 3 days my legs were so out of control that as i was walking in the morning, i lost control of them, and i ended up falling, breaking a wrist and a part of my vertebrae.

my hub made the 125 mi. trip by bus to talk to her 3 times about this, she kept insisting it couldn't be from the meds cuz it had happened too soon after i'd started it.  i ended up in the e.r. up there, not trusting my legs at all anymore, using a walker.  finally another shrink told me to stop taking that med. 

my body doesn't take well to meds anymore.  any stress and i get the runs.  i've basically had them now for 2 months because of this move and the 2 weeks before, when i was deciding to go, and packing.   i'm drinking water and electrolytes every day, but i know this isn't good for me.  pepto bismol has become my best friend.

i know what my depression felt like when i was truly clinically depressed.  that's not what this is.  i'm just worn down from feeling crappy all the time, always in some kind of pain or discomfort, have been like this for over 20 yrs.   i've had periods of feeling ok, more of my pos. spirit at the fore over this span of time, but even i, as strong as i am, can only take so much. 

maybe i do need to be on xanax, just to give my brain/mind a break from the tension of feeling crummy.  i'm open to taking something that will help me feel better, but i need something for chronic illness.  it's just gone on so long.  the doc tomorrow is my last hope.

i have no trouble telling a doc what i need, what i think, if i disagree.  i've seen too many of them over the years, and when i didn't know what was going on, i took their word that they knew.  as i've learned more, i've spoken up more, taken in all kinds of info, whatever it took to get my findings across.  i need massive lab tests taken, and i need my brain scanned.  i need to know, and to have the doc know, just what we're dealing with, once and for all.

so, i will be armed with all my info, with my guardian angel, with la bruja who protects me from danger, and with all of you.  we'll see what happens.  thank you for your suggestion, lingurine.  and for your caring, all of you.  i am aiming for satisfaction, but i have to be careful.  my system doesn't do well with very much anymore.  and my patience with pill pushers for the sake of treating symptoms is gone.

you all are a big part of my strength now.  i'm forever grateful.  i hope you always know that.  you're in my prayers and my heart.      back to you all.  thank you for being here.

this c-ptsd beast is so very rough on relationships.  how can a partner possibly understand something that is beyond understanding, even to the person going thru it?

have you thought of couples counseling?  are you in therapy yourself?  if so, maybe he could just sit in a session so your t could do some explaining for him.  i know it helped my hub a lot right from the beginning to start hearing what might be going on with me from a professional.

all the best with this.  i do so hope you two can find some peace in your relationship.  that would be so great.  big hug.

thank you my dear friends and family.  i do need you, today and tomorrow, and will be keeping you close. 

i was reading parts of 'the body keeps the score' this morning, specifically about alexithymia, and one part talked about how many people suffering from this malady (for want of a better word) have so many complaints, aches, and pains that doctors can't figure out.   well, if all docs are looking at are the symptoms, and not the root causes, of course they won't figure them out.

all these emotions and feelings that i've been out of touch with for so long have sat and rotted inside my body, increasing inner tension until something has to break.  as i was gathering my previous lab tests to take tomorrow, i noticed (and looked up) that my liver is showing signs of being in trouble.  for years, i've been given meds or taking meds that the docs told me were hard on my liver, but never really told me how to help it cope.

so, add one more to the list.  i'm not afraid of dying, per se (just hate the thought of my self being taken from my hub and daughter - they depend on me and my strength), but i don't like not knowing.  what i'm afraid of is that this will be one more doc who does nothing more than the minimum, and i will go back to struggling to keep myself alive for the sake of the people i love.

as far as i'm concerned, if it were just me, i'd be ready to go.  being sick and uncomfortable all the time is no quality of life.  i wouldn't wish this on anyone.  i've had 2 instances in the past 9 mos. where i could actually feel myself dying, like my insides are slowly and quietly crumbling.  last year, after feeling this, is what gave me the impetus to visit my daughter up here for christmas.  i'd spent most of the year sick, but i didn't think i'd make it till the next christmas.

just before i found this place to live, i had the same feeling.  it's quite eerie, actually, but very real, and very different from anything i'd ever felt in my life.  each time it lasted long enough for me to take note, but not more than a few hours.   it'll be interesting to see what's going on inside me.

it would also be nice to be referred to a therapist, someone competent for a change, to help me get my 'self' back and become a whole person.  i've been struggling with doing it myself, you all have been fantastic support for me, but there's only so much i can do.

this is just no way to live.  i no i won't get anything near like what my life and way of living used to be, but it would be nice to have this trauma-related misfiring of my mind and body find some kind of peace.  i'm sure i could live on xanax for the rest of my life to alleviate the tension that's always there (yeah, i often do yoga and mindful breathing, but the results don't last very long.  they don't make me feel grounded or relaxed, hardly ever, but i do them cuz everyone says they're good to do.)

maybe i'm just so wound up and i need some professional outside input to help me untangle.  that would be nice.  in the meantime, i come here to rant, puke this crapola out, renew myself through all of you, and distract myself by answering other posts. 

today's just a bad day.  too much wariness.  i wish i could just accept that what will happen will happen, and i'll deal with it (and i know i will), but i can't shake the junk flying around that knowing.  my brain hurts now.  time to go kill some zombies.