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yippee yi ki yay, 3 roses!  sounds like some wonderful news to me.  i'm so glad for you that it's turning into a positive experience after all.  that's just friggin' marvelous!

glad to hear you're getting ready to take that next step.  good for you.  i love it when things just click into place or make a change without our rationally doing anything to bring it on.  very happy for you, sweetie.  big hug!

thank you, everyone, for you care and concern.  you have gotten me out of dark places more than once.

i know about cataracts being able to be removed (i had a fleeting picture of me being an old woman with those white films over her eyeballs - ugh!), and even know about retinal surgery - my hub just had it done a few months ago.  yes, i am kinda scared about them working on my eyes here.  i don't trust the healthcare, doctor care here too much.  too many times i've had to educate the docs on what's going on with me, even regarding the lyme's disease i had and the treatment i needed.   they're just not very competent at times, not even very caring (altho i hear that's quite common everywhere).

what i'm angry about is that this is even happening.  (yes, i bang my bed regularly, make lots of noise, lots of cussing and yelling to get it out of me).  i didn't feel sad, but that might be my alexithymia.  i just felt deadened.  with all the work i've done to help my brain function better, to help heal my brain and body from the ravages of the beast, i expected that i'd be showing improvement physically (like i've done emotionally).  instead, it's getting worse, and my eyesight is on the line. 

first glaucoma, now cataracts and retinal detaching on top of that!  again, how much can my eyes take without just shutting down?  becoming blind is one thing all in itself, but . . .  i don't even want to go there right now.  too devastating. 

so, i'll just mosey from day to day right now.  to think about my eyes puts kind of a rush on things.  like the novel i'm in the process of re-writing that my daughter is looking at to possibly publish.  the quilt i've started, the embroidery i want to put on my denim bag.  all these little projects that i've started feeling good enough to get back into - i just don't want them to come to a screeching halt.  that's a sad feeling right there.   that's good.

well, jd, good for you!  well done!  not only about speaking up with this issue, but realizing that speaking up in general when something doesn't jive with you is important.  that's so great!  it sounds like you have learned a lot thru therapy with this t, but this may be one of the biggest, most important life lessons you've learned.  sometimes we get what we weren't even looking for or didn't exactly know we needed it.  i love it when it's nearly magical that it happens.

i don't think it's a bad thing to explore options, such as a consult with another therapist.  i think you made a good point, tho, about people making mistakes in relationships, even therapeutic ones, and if there is acknowledgment of the mistake, a sincere apology, and it doesn't happen again, the rift may be moved on from. 

it does sound like you have a valid point about her opinions leaning toward money with her continually bringing up your job wishes and goals.  you may have to speak up to her again about her not getting personally involved in anything you're discussing that has to do with money, then wait to see what happens.  can she put her opinions, her preferences re: money on the shelf and not let them creep into your therapy?  that sounds like it would be a challenge for her. 

you may want to give that a chance, see what happens.  if she messes up, or refuses to make that commitment, then, unfortunately, you may have gone as far as is good for you with her.  it's not unusual in a therapeutic relationship to have an 'end date', so to speak.  one therapist may only be able to take you so far, and that's it,  it's time to move on.  you can be grateful for what you got out of the therapy with her, but, like a coach, sometimes they reach their own level of being able to help.  that could be up to either of you to determine.

i think you're doing really well with this.  and, i have to say i agree with you about how much 'therapy' i've gotten out of this forum.  i had to end it with my therapist more than 6 mos. ago, and this place and the people here have slid into the groove quite smoothly for me. 

keep up the good work, jd.  best to you!  big hug, my dear.

hey, astra,

i remember losing my dog (not a service dog, but he had been the one constant during a horrible roller coaster period of my life) and it was a horrendous blow.  very sorry for your loss, as well as for everything else you've endured.

i, too, wish for you that one year without grieving, and i sincerely hope it comes soon.  big hug to you. 

hi, jadeily, welcome.  so glad you made it here.

i can't diagnose, but it sure sounds to me that you've had layers upon layers of trauma over and over again.  that would probably qualify for c-ptsd, if, as 3 roses said, it were an actual diagnosis.

i'm very sorry that you've gone thru so much.  you'll face challenges as you continue in recovery (if that's the path you choose to follow), but i do believe that we can whittle this beast down if we stick with it.  i hope you can take care of yourself as best as possible.  you are worth it, no matter what other messages you might have received along the way.  thanks for posting, and i hope you'll continue.  this place has done wonders for my recovery.  such warm, caring, supportive people here.  best to you.

hey, wanttothrive,

so glad you made it here.  welcome.

i was raised as a lutheran, taught sunday school, served on the church council, sang in the choir, the whole nine yards.   as i've gotten older, began questioning everything through recovery, i questioned my faith and my ideas about all of that as well.  it was a process that took quite awhile to get to a place of comfort with it all.

as of today, i don't consider myself a christian anymore.  i've come to create my own belief system about spirituality (i'm very spiritual) and the concept of god.  it's served me well, has cast out the confusion, and my god (love) welcomes my anger and rage, wants me to get it out of me, and allows me to know that it will be dealt with appropriately, that it's not something i have to carry around or worry about.

everyone finds their own way with their spiritual beliefs, what works best for them.  i know it can be confusing, especially when we first begin questioning what we've been taught, what  we've learned, and what we've come to believe.  kind of like all those other messages about ourselves we've gotten along the way - we end up questioning them, sifting thru them, deciding which ones we want to keep and which don't serve us well.

my best to you with this.  my sincerest hope is that you find your way through the uncertainty and confusion and come out with a stronger sense of what your god is all about. 

hey, siren, and welcome.  so glad you made it here.

i, too, found this place because of finding out about narcissistic abuse.  i also discovered lots of info on misogyny as well, which sounds like something you may have been dealing with - it puts a double whammy on the entire relationship.  i thought of this when you mentioned how he began ignoring your daughter.  i also totally understand how we've done things before knowing the full story that have kept us in such an unhealthy situation.  pretty brave of you to contact his ex.  that was a stroke of brilliance!

at any rate, i'm glad you're out of it, and i believe now that your healing can truly begin.  i can so relate to all the lies, deceit, and betrayal you've gone thru, and i wish it wasn't so.  just know that you're not alone.

i've found this forum to be so helpful, so many kind, caring, and supportive people here.  i hope you are able to continue sharing with us, and that you get what you need for your next surgery, that it goes well and leaves you healthier than ever. 

keep taking care of you as best you can.  best to you with all these challenges you're facing.  i have no doubt you'll make it.

thanks, everyone.

i went back over the notes, discovered that a retina is detaching as well.  looked all this up, it can all be caused by stress and inflammation, of which i've had plenty of problems because of each/both.  if not for the stress/trauma, i don't think i'd be having these problems.  that's what's truly frustrating.  working so hard to eliminate all that gunk, and i'm getting worse physically instead of better.  what's the point anymore!!!  those frickin' batards!  ok, some anger.  good.  otherwise i'm just kinda numb today, trying to keep my head above water.  you're all wonderful. 

sweetie, i'm in a bad place today, couldn't read your post, but want you to know i'm still with you.   

just want to say that you've been heard, and kudos to you and your courage for sharing everything. 

i just finished a screaming/crying session in the shower.  earlier today i was reading over the results from the eye doc i saw earlier this month, and i noticed a notation that i have a cataract starting on top of this gucking glaucoma.  i don't know what the frick else to do anymore, i'm  crumbling to pieces and there isn't enough of me to deal with all this.  god, give me strength to get through this day.  please, i need help.

hey, jd,

i didn't get around to writing this when i first read it, but i want to add this to some of the concerns you and radical are already discussing, if i may.  an alarm bell went off for me when you talked about offering to pay your t the difference financially and she didn't outright refuse. 

i practiced in the states, and, altho every t has a little bit of wiggle room of their own in the matter of accepting gifts from clients, by and large it wouldn't be ethical for her to accept money from you (if that's where this is happening.  in other countries, i don't know.)  that would be a professional no-no.  i didn't like that she hinted that something like that might be viable if you had lots of money.  personally and professionally, i would never even entertain such an idea, no matter how rich you might be!  like i said, she made an agreement with the insurance co. on your fee.  it's not up to you to fix that. 

like radical said, your job is to look into, explore, get help with your own issues, not be concerned with hers.   i think you both have brought up some valid points about your own feelings with this issue, and about how she's handled it.  it doesn't feel good to me, either.

as far as bringing this issue up again, i think it depends on how much time and energy you want to invest in it.  speaking to your goals in therapy, will it benefit you more, move you forward, to bring it up or to set it aside, just move on with dealing with your issues?  that's a decision for you to make, and whichever way you decide to go is valid.  it's your therapy, your recovery - you get to do what's best for you.

are you able to go in and have therapy with her, regardless of what you are thinking she may want to do - if she'd rather work with someone else or not?  be careful of making assumptions.  if you need to ask her again, point blank, accept her answer and you can base your decision on that.  if you're feeling uncomfortable, and that discomfort is going to get in the way of having meaningful sessions with her, you may want to re-think the situation. 

i also don't know how she could tell you that about your resume.  how does she know that, to say it so bluntly?   i couldn't say that to a client - i couldn't even say that to anyone.  i don't know why, what, or how about resumes, not in that context.  does she have a business degree or something?  worked in HR for hiring purposes?  this is probably just me, but i don't understand this.  what i do understand is that she gave you an opinion, her opinion, and it's caused you discomfort, even distress.  is that something to talk to her about?

i share the pain of betrayal by therapists.  i have not had one yet who didn't inflict more pain on me.  not in the states nor in mexico.  i've worked with 2 counselors, who were helpful for me, but there was no trauma healing done.  just help and support for what i was going thru at the time.

you're absolutely right that it isn't fair, it isn't right, it isn't ok to be hurt even further by those in the helping professions, whether it's mental, spiritual, or physical health.   i absolutely hate that those with the power (i don't see them as authority figures, but that's just me.) abuse it, take advantage of someone's vulnerability, prey on the people they're supposed to be helping, and then even turn it around (that pain is just part of the therapy process?  b.s.) to make us feel responsible or bad for what they shouldn't have done in the first place.  it just adds another layer on top of all the layers we're already dealing with.  grrrrr!!!   

just my opinions.  best wishes with all this, jd.  i'd say, if you were asking, to go with your gut on this.  not fair at all.   

indeed i do, fen!

my daughter has a publishing co. that likes to take on adult fantasy/sci.fi books that are out of the ordinary.  she also is an editor - thorough, encouraging, non-judgmental (yes, for a fee - it's part of her business).  when you finish your book, i can let you know how to connect with her, if you like.  it might be a fit.

whatever you decide, i support you all the way!  big hug!

you go, blueberry, whether it's forging ahead on a project, or taking a step back to regroup.  it's all important, all part of balance.  i'm still learning, that's for sure. 

we are survivors, in so many ways, on so many levels.  hooray for us, indeed!!!

searching for that validation for our looks is so much the pits.  i've posted before about how i've known some really 'pretty' people, but their personalities were so shallow and bent that the more i got to know them, the uglier (really!) they got.  and the opposite was true, too.  those people i've known who are beautiful within (kind, caring, loving), well, their beauty has shown through time and time again.  funny i never made that connection for myself.

why 'cough' about your accomplishments?  aren't you feeling the satisfied pride about them?  we deserve to, i believe.  we worked hard, we earned it.  not the overbearing pride, the arrogant pride, but the content pride, the knowledge that we did something because of our determination, perseverance, and plain ol' hard work.  like you've said, self-validation is best.  i'd been searching for that outer pride (from my dad), it's time i took that out of his hands and nurtured it in my own. 

i'm beginning to lose some of my hate for my ex as well.  never thought that would happen.  it just doesn't feel so rampant within me anymore.

so, yes, once again, hooray for us!!!  we're getting there.