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i agree with both of you.  so many of these diagnostic words focus on what's 'wrong' with the individual instead of the strengths, determination, courage, etc. - in other words, what's 'right' with us.  we've survived so much with so little knowledge, info, and understanding.  that counts for a lot.

blueberry, dear blueberry,

those foo messages about mistakes were punishment enough, in my opinion.  you've paid a thousand times over for not reaching their expectations for you to be perfect.  i sincerely hope you can put them in their place soon so that you can stop punishing yourself for being human. 

they didn't want you to be human, they wanted you to be maintenance-free.  i know that one, because i lived it.  they didn't want a child who needed to be gently taught that it's ok to make mistakes, whose mistakes were looked at and learned from in the most loving, caring way.  rather, your humanness, like mine, was denied in the worst way, through disapproval, non-acceptance, and punishments, both physical and psychological.

we carried those expectations with us, until we were out of their house, when we began punishing ourselves in their place.  i put myself in harm's way any number of times because my sense of being afraid in a healthy way had been excised.  i drank, used drugs, had casual sex without protection, took dangerous chances with people.  it was all a form of self-punishment for not being perfect, as i see it now.

pulling hair goes against my grain because in another life i was a hairdresser, so it hurts my heart when people do that, but i know that we each have our own ways to self-punish.  i'm glad you were able to stop yet another attempt while you were writing.   i hope your meeting goes well, and that you can eventually lay this form of self-punishment to rest.  you don't deserve it.  you're quite a lovely, wonderful person, even when you make mistakes.  so am i.  in fact, i'm not even going to go back over this post to see if i made any spelling/grammar errors, or if i said everything i wanted to say.  i've said enough for now.  it's hard, but we can do this.  big hug, blueberry.  let's go have a beverage on the porch.

yay for you, eyessoblue!  it's natural to be tired after emdr sessions cuz your brain has been working really hard.  take some time for yourself to rest and relax.  did your t suggest that you keep a journal?  sometimes those are helpful for dreams or other issues that might come up between sessions. 

great job and well done!   big hug!

it takes so much courage to be vulnerable, it's exactly the opposite of what we were taught.  it takes courage and strength to be honest to and about yourself.  it takes determination to go through with your plan to do something different with your t.  it takes fortitude and valor to charge through your fears.

with all these qualities you possess, elphanigh, there is no way the demons will get the best of you.  if you were already broken, you wouldn't be posting here, wouldn't be admitting, wouldn't be willing to do something different. 

you've got some guts, sweetie.  just keep doing what you're doing, cuz you're moving in a very positive direction, from what i'm seeing.  with you all the way.   big hug!

o, asyouwish, i really feel for you.  society is so judgmental and unforgiving about body image and looking 'perfect' (whatever perfect means at the time.  right now it seems to be about extremely big butts, which i've never had when i was thin.  my butt basically disappeared.  now that i'm overweight, i've got one, but it's just part of the overall package.) 

anyway, i'm glad you're going to keep your appt.  if our goal is healing (which mine is), i think that includes all of who we are - mind, body, and spirit.   it's important to take care of our bodies, no matter what shape they're in, to the best of our ability.  some days will be easier than others, that's for sure.  but, we start again the next day.

as far as your therapy goes, i have heard of schema therapy, and it can be quite powerful.  i've also learned that c-ptsd responds best to various types of therapy - some of them more concrete (such as cbt) for certain aspects, some of them a bit more ethereal (or hippy dippy, if you will) and having to do with the mind and memories, the child inside, or even rebuilding neural pathways through positive self-talk, environments, people, and the like.

if it helps you move toward your goal, i think it's valuable and valid.  our minds are so complex, and what one person may respond to can be quite different than the next.  still, differing ways to go after this beast are like, to me, adding different spices to our foods.  one spice brings a certain flavor out, while another spice might bring out something entirely different.  we don't know till we try. 

i hope you are able to keep an open mind, at the very least.  your t sounds very respectful of where you're at and what you're ready to look at.  i think that's a good sign.  best to you.  big hug.

may i just say that your english is fantastic!  good for you for using it as a helping aid through this.

as an aside, i read that people who are bilingual have a lesser chance of having alzheimer's or dementia because they are constantly using both side of their brain in translating back and forth.  it's shown to be good exercise for the brain. 

trusting, being betrayed, trusting again, same thing happening - it's an awful feeling, an awful experience.  i've just gone through it twice in the past year, have eliminated those people from my life.  i don't need that kind of crapola anymore.  it does nothing for my goal of healing.  i'm sorry you had to go thru that with your mom, one of the adults in your life you looked to for protection and well-being.   big hug, lingurine.

i also think, as 3roses said, that telling your t about your fears of being vulnerable might be a good starting point.  that way, the concept is on the table to explore without actual details of what a vulnerable topic might be for you.

just fyi, you, as a client, cannot fail or disappoint your therapist.   any t who may have given you that idea was wrong.  it is the therapist's job and responsibility to take care of the client, always - never the other way around.  no matter how difficult the subject matter is that the client is dealing with, it is up to the therapist to find the way to put the client at ease, to comfort, and to let the client know in no uncertain terms that whatever is going on may just need more exploration from a different angle, or something along those lines.

as far as emails go, they are not a secure means of talking about issues.  same with cell phones or skype - any of that technological stuff.  i think there is only one means of communicating confidential information, but i can't think of the name right now.  it wasn't something that is a popular brand, tho.

as far as taking up a therapist's time outside the office, it's up to the therapist to determine if s/he is willing to do that.  since there was no email when i was practicing, and i didn't give my phone # out, my clients weren't able to contact me personally between sessions.   this kind of thing is all new to me.  if you're not comfortable with it, nothing wrong with that. 

trust in a t is something that gets built with time.  how are you treated?  is your t consistent in what s/he does and says?  does your gut feel good about the experience?  are there good vibes both from the t and from the office space?   it's ok to question your t, say what you're uncomfortable with or about, and listen and feel how your t deals with these.  the better you feel, the more willing you will be to allow your vulnerability at deeper and deeper levels.

just my experience speaking from both a client's and therapist's perspective.  hope any of that is helpful.  big hug and best to you in moving forward. 

i'm actually going thru an episode today, and this morning i did breathing, stretches, even 1/2 xanax cuz i thought i was gonna have a panic attack.  i thought writing here would help, but it hasn't.  i also walked this morning. 

so thanks for the tips, blueberry.  it seems like i did a lot of physical stuff, but it only helped for a minute.  my feet are both planted on the ground, i can feel them, but nothing is helping.  my chest feels like it's about to burst.  and i responded to several posts, getting into my brain/thinking side, but the feeling is overwhelming even that.  i'm new to feeling this fear, and i hate it.

a big thanks from me, too, to both of you.  this forum seems to be growing, which makes your jobs all that much more difficult.  i think, in spite of its size, you two do a bang-up job.  hugs.

i've had that experience of watching movies over and over for soothing and comfort.  2 of my main ones were 'muriel's wedding' and 'strictly ballroom'.  both australian movies, both so cool and enjoyable.  i love movies in general, and some of my best times are watching them, either at home or the theater.  i'm looking forward to 'wonder woman' - hope to see it at a theater.  it looks like it would be great on the big screen.

funny how different types of stimulation or repetition can work on us at different times in our lives.  so glad you're here.   hugs.

keep writing, if writing is what helps.  we will be here to listen and help carry the pain for you.  you're so right - neverending questions and same results.  i'm glad those are beginning to diminish.

i'm also glad you decided to write about this.  so much strength and courage in you to do that.  those attributes of yours will help you get through this.  eventually, hopefully, the memory will cease to pack such a horrific punch and you will be able to move on from it.

not to say you won't remember your mom or what happened, but just that such remembrances will stop causing you such distress, enough that your world comes to a standstill for a while.   instead, you will know within yourself that your world has changed, and can change even more, but in a more positive way.  that day is coming.  with you all the way on this.   big hug to you!

well, your well-organized life took a major hit recently.  it's no wonder you're feeling messy.  no blame, no shame.  i think it's a natural part of this process of recovery.  i've been messy for over a month, what with one thing and another.  but, i'm feeling a bit better, a bit more settled now.  we'll make it through.  big hug to you, sweetie. 

mftb, reading over your past few posts has been very interesting, especially in the way you are processing your movement, your journey, and your awareness.   i think it's called progress.

you sound different.  yeah, you've been sick from stress, you're overworked, you're feeling emotions bubbling up and you're taking risks by dating, by letting someone into your life in a different way than before.  you're realizing how you've put yourself second too many times in your life, feeling angry about it.  to me, this says that you're getting ready to make a change.

what that change might be, i don't know.  putting yourself first?  healthier eating?  more consistency for your self and your life?  it sounds like you're about to be done with accepting the crumbs that have gotten handed to you throughout your life, like you're finding a new piece of you that you weren't able to acknowledge in the past.

i may be all wrong.  it's just what came to my mind while reading.  whatever it might be, i'm getting a good vibe from it.  a new strength.  big hug to you.  i'm looking forward to seeing where you go with all this. 

very much so.  happily, my new 'home' is peaceful, respectful, and quiet, and i get a lot of alone time here, of which i'm so very glad.  my hub used to worry about me being alone so much, that i was isolating (in a bad way) but i told him that i've been in the middle of and caretaking people for most of my life, and i lovelovelove being by myself.

not to say i don't enjoy socializing, because i do.  i'm very outgoing and love people, for the most part.  but, i don't want to be around their noises, their noisy kids (that's the one that drives me up the wall), or loud noises in general.  i literally flinch when i'm startled by a noise no matter where i am.  my hub's sneezes were so loud and unexpected, i'd jump and yell, they startled me so badly.  i'm much happier living a very quiet life, very different from when i was young.  things change!

morelia, sorry it took so long to respond to your question.  these past 2 months have been a blur.

when i feel frozen/paralyzed, it feels like i can't do anything, especially anything constructive, can't do anything about how i'm feeling, can't distinguish one emotion from another, can barely move or think about what's going on around me. 

those have been times of great stress, an overwhelming trigger or actual event.  it's like my brain has shut down and i am unable to figure anything out about what is happening.  i usually just play computer games during the day, watch mindless tv at night.  eventually it goes away, but not because of anything i do to help it disappear.  in that state, i'm beyond helping.

it's a very disturbing feeling, one that i can't articulate, so i also often eat to help mask the disturbance.  otherwise, i'm virtually still. as of i'm actually paralyzed.  that's just my experience with that feeling.  however it manifests itself, i believe it's not a happy one at all.