Messages

i totally agree with you on your last sentence, candid.   here's another    .  you're doing great!

jd, thanks for that.  i think i knew some things, like you said, on a surface level, but most of it has been subconscious.  3 roses' passage knocked the snot outta me about it all in one swell foop!!!  it made for a really rough couple of days, but i truly feel better today. 

i, too, started all this by becoming aware that my ex was a narc.  it snowballed from there, and i've been able to recognize several people of that persona in my life, as well as several misogynists.  all that hate and anger/rage!  wow!  i'm thankful i've lived long enough to find this out instead of dying in abstract confusion.  to my mind, it's better to know. 

this is life-changing.  thank you god, thank you all you good people here. 

hey, candid,

ya know - i am frickin' proud of all i've accomplished!  as of today, as of your question, yes.  i've done an awful lot in and with my life, and i feel like i just banished my father from that scenario.  you're so right - his pride in me doesn't matter anymore.  thank you so much for that.

my mom once told me that she never said anything about my sister and i being pretty cuz she didn't want to seem like she was bragging.  i spent so much time and energy looking for people to acknowledge that i was, indeed, pretty.  i even made up a line for myself that i'd tell people (mostly guys) that i was one of the prettiest people i knew.  if i wasn't getting it from somewhere else, i'd give it to myself.

i've had a great life in so many ways, learned so much, laughed so much, experienced so much, did so much, accomplished dreams, some of which i'd held onto for 30 yrs.   i feel so much lighter today.  started putting my jewelry back on - i used to wear necklaces, beads, pendants, bracelets, 4 different earrings, rings.  i was and still am a hippie chick at heart.  free spirit.  i'm reclaiming my soul. 

this is the beginning.  i feel the healing happening.  thank you, candid, for all you've said, all your support.  wow!  so great.

that's quite an impressive list, jd.  you  deserve to be proud of all that.

can you be proud of correcting those 2 questions on that exam, even if you also mucked up 2 that were fine in the first place?  it's the perfection thing, isn't it.  i can so so so much relate to this.  i know that feeling of being punched for something slightly off or that i perceived as a criticism that i expected myself to have done perfectly.   those punches didn't come on a consistent basis, but when they did, they knocked the air out of me.  that's how it felt.

while i've been in that iron-clad perfection cloak, it was never enough, no matter all my accomplishments, no matter what a good person i was, no matter all the positives about me.  still, it was never enough.

as you know, i've recently wrestled with this issue, and i do believe i've been able to take most of that cloak off.  maybe not all of it, but i do feel different.  last night i began putting my jewelry back on.  i used to wear at least 10 necklaces, beads, pendants, etc., bracelets, rings, and 4 different earrings in my ears.  hippie chick look.  non-conformist.  i loved my look, my style.  i rocked it.

after getting so sick 15 yrs. ago, it all came off.  i haven't worn necklaces in all that time.  last night, i was watching a show, and they mentioned a 'stone of valor'.  it got me to thinking that i needed something tangible to remind myself that the cloak is off and needs to stay off.  i found two stones from necklaces, one is turquoise in an unorthodox setting, one is my birthstone, a small opal.  i found some embroidery floss and made them into necklaces.  the turquoise is my stone of valor for tackling the beast of perfection and breaking it apart, the opal is the reclaiming of my true self, my humanness, and the floss is for the imperfection of not having silver or gold chains for these stones.  perfection be dammed (metaphorical spelling). 

jd, i sincerely hope you can best your own perfection beast.  i know how exhausting it is to go through all those hoops in whatever you're doing to attempt to make it perfect.  i also know what it's like to expect perfection from those around us, those we care about, those we count on, like your therapist.

i agree, your therapist shouldn't have brought up the money issue.  i think it was a mistake.  that said, it was a mistake, not necessarily a deal-breaker, especially with all the other things that she's done for you and helped you with.  i know how difficult it is to get this stuff into some kind of meaningful perspective rather than seeing everything always as all or nothing, black and white.

my heart is totally with you, jd.  i can't explain the feeling of relief i'm experiencing, enjoying, and nurturing.  i slept better last night.   i woke up, felt my stone of valor around my neck, touched it, and smiled immediately.   this is real.  it is a beginning.  i hope you find yours soon.  it's such a light feeling.  that cloak is so gol-durned heavy!!!  big hug!

i so hope those good and beautiful memories come back to you both.  i think they're important to be able to reference every so often.  hopefully, once the traumatic stuff gets resolved, your brains will be able to once again access what was wonderful in your lives.   best with this.

wow!  everpure, how very courageous of you and the rest.  what a tremendous intervention on behalf of that child.  i can't say enough good things about it.  well done!     

thanks, jd.  i can really relate to what you said about being pres., etc., and it wouldn't be acknowledged.  i've gone thru my life in my mind, every accomplishment i'd say to myself 'dad would be proud of this', but it never helped.  how the lack of those 4 words 'i'm proud of you' would have made all the difference.  wow!  it really is a mind-boggler!

my brother's told me that my dad was proud of me, he'd talk about what i'd done to others, hold me up as an example for my sibs to emulate.  i told my bro that i felt bad that happened.  i don't like that idea at all.  that may be part of why my sister ended up so mad at me that she's refused to talk to me for over 20 yrs.  no hope of that ever getting resolved, but she was a bully when we were young, so i'm all right with that.

i agree with you about being disconnected from our real selves.  this breakthrough makes it feel different.  finally.  it was a big, huge piece to be looked at, admitted to, and accepted, and completely sent me into a tailspin for a few days. 

embracing our humanness - exactly.  thanks for this - it helps me feel not alone in this struggle, and that helps a lot.  again, a conscious feeling of a connection to someone else at a visceral level that i haven't really been aware of before. 

i'm curious - how have you dealt with this?  sudden breakthrough or a gradual awakening or what?  just looking for another perspective on how to proceed from here.  it's a new country, so to speak, and i don't really know the rules or the language.  maybe just stumble along for awhile, i don't know.   big hug.

today i feel a little more human.  some of that sucks, but mostly it's the best ever.

hey, jb4, welcome, and so glad you're here.  and, yes, we're here for you - you're not calling into a black hole.

that faking it stuff gets so wearing!  i've often thought, myself, of just going to live in a cave, leave the rest behind.  but, with responsibilities, that never happened.  as it hasn't happened for you, as much as you might wish for it.  sucks!

no, your post is not inappropriate at all.  i'm glad you found a place where you can spew some of the poison of fear and confusion out of you.  we are all part of the universe here, and the poison gets taken care of so you don't have to worry about it.  if you're ever concerned about writing about something that might trigger someone, just put 'tw' or 'trigger warning' at the beginning. 

i don't know why a therapist would tell you you're sharing too much about what's going on with you.  how else would a therapist know what is distressing you, what direction to take, how to enlist your help in getting to where you want to go?  that just doesn't make sense to me.

you did just fine here.  i hate that you have to worry about your trigger being around, about what that might mean for everyday life, not to mention courts and such.  yes, you may be having an ef as beloved_unlovable suggested.   have you seen any of pete walker's websites on ef's, and what to do when you're in one?  i don't have a link, but you can put his name in the subject line of your browser along with EF, and something will come up that might be helpful.

i hope you can take care of yourself as best you can.  i agree to be kind to yourself.  i hope you keep posting.  this is a very warm and welcoming community who can relate to what you're describing, and won't tell you to 'fake it till you make it'.  too many of us have been on that train for too long.  i've found such kindness and caring here, it's helped me more than i can say.  warm, gentle hug to you.

my adrenals aren't working correctly, either.  one hormone tested for (adrenosol, i think) is below normal, and my cortisol is in the lower range of normal.  i went to an endocrinologist, he gave me a low dose of prednisone (steroids) which i found out from a nurse friend is the standard treatment, but after 3 days, my body violently rejected it, so i stopped.  when i told him about it, he suggested tylenol for my muscle pain and b complex to give me more energy.  i've been taking b-complex for years as a way to calm myself down - it works the opposite of giving me a boost of energy than on others, and i take advil regularly for the pain/inflammation i experience.  i didn't go back.

i also learned that supposedly the best diet, the one least upsetting to the adrenals, is fruits, veggies, meats, and seeds.  i'm doing that pretty regularly now, as i can only see a more natural path to dealing with this.  also, to keep stress to a minimum.  which, as was written above, is difficult when working thru these issues, getting triggered, processing the trauma, etc.  recovery is by no means stress-free.

so, that's what i learned, and that's what i'm doing as best i can.  just want to let you know, kate, that you're not alone in tackling this. 

i don't know anything about lexapro, but when i get a med i'm not familiar with, i hit the internet hard, learn everything i can from a variety of sites.  they'll often tell you what's not good to take while still on it, how long it stays in your system, even sometimes what the side effects of getting off it are.   insomnia might be one of them.

not being able to sleep is the worst - i've been struggling with it for nearly 40 yrs.  luckily i'm pretty much housebound right now, so i sleep during the day, take a nap in the morning, have a snooze in my chair in the afternoon.  that helps.  it's not the same as a good night's sleep, but it's what i've got right now.

i've heard melatonin before bedtime is a natural substance to help with sleep.  i don't know about the cost.  again, i'd suggest you do some research on it first, see if there are any contra-indications to other meds/supplements.

i sincerely hope you can get some relief and soon kate.  not sleeping is the pits!

[having]

dsu, yes, i'm realizing just in these past few days how very exhausting this has been for me, making the connection to my continually being tired to the fact that i've been working at this for so long.   and, you're very right - as horrible at some levels as these past few days have been, finally feeling these emotions is a victory, finally making this connection to my self-perfectionism is what is allowing me, even as i write to be more in touch with the humanness of me, even the inner critic is ok for now, glad to make his acquaintance finally, and even the neg. stuff is all something that i'm glad of.  they were so covered up (yet so disturbing at the same time) that i didn't know what was bothering me, what i was feeling, what it meant, nothing on a conscious level. 

that's where my using and eating came in.  the distress from the disturbance was too much, i drank, smoked, drugged it away, or buried it under food.   as i continue to sit with this, to notice all these parts of me i hadn't known before, the pieces will fall into place.  i'm not worried about the inner critic right now, just getting to know him a little, but he's not going to bother me much, i don't think.  i haven't been able to relate to people posting about their inner critics - now i know what they're talking about, how it feels.  my excuse-maker (morphed is a great concept on that, by the by) was protecting me, and i'm grateful for that, for her.  yeah, she's female, inner critic is male.  she's been me taking care of my little me all this time.     thank you so much for your care and concern, dsu.  what a tremendous ally you are.

candid, what has happened to me in these past few days was the shattering of a core belief system for me.  it's like i've been encumbered by an ironclad cloak of having to continually strive for self-perfection and reading that passage from 3 roses, looking up more about it thru pete's web pages, helped me with the horrendous job of shedding that cloak.

i know all the logic about berating oneself, and like i said, that inner critic was silenced so that i could survive emotionally.  to have a peek at him now does not bother me - i haven't known of his existence before this weekend.  my excuse maker was my protector - she kept me sane, and i'm so happy she was there for me.

all these things i'm writing about this past 24 hrs. are all from the inner sanctum of that choking cloak.  the shame of not being able to commit to being a monitor came from there.  i'm a therapist, i'm a helper, my job is to help others, and, in this instance, i only just realized that the shame (which i couldn't feel at the time, just something disturbing, but i didn't know for sure what it was, so i guessed and came up with 'heartbroken') was simply connected to that cloak.

a perfect therapist, which i ascribed to being, a perfect member of this community, which i also ascribed to being and who would give back whenever called upon, under these 2 umbrellas, was shame about not being perfect in either role.  that's what was really heartbreaking to me.  in the context of the cloak, i was failing at both those roles.  in reality, i was just taking care of me.

my body and my emotions are not in a place to make that commitment, and i know, logically, there's nothing wrong with that, and that i'm not expected to do so, but the perfectionist only projected that i wasn't up to doing my job, and i should be ashamed of myself for that.  and the breakthrough happened, and i felt shame, loud and clear, for the first time in i can't remember how long.  and that's a good thing cuz it means that my human self is appearing in all her glory, warts and all.  and i know i, as a human being, have nothing to be ashamed about that.  the perfectionist did, tho. 

so, i'm in the process of gathering all these pieces together, and beginning to make sense of who i've been and why.  it was hard to know even that sentence for 2 days.  breaking down a core belief is something that is usually done in therapy, with someone to guide you through all the fears of the unknown as the parts of that belief are being destroyed and a brand new baby bird is being birthed.  like the phoenix rising out of the ashes of its former self.   that's what this feels like.

it's gonna take a period of adjustment, but i feel different in a good way, at least a little bit.  an awful lot of stress, tho, and i've been running to the john today - didn't expect it, but glad i had no where to be.  it would've been pretty crappy!  a combo of stress, meds, will do this to me.  even eating too much of the wrong food, which sometimes is veggies or fruits - too much fiber, i guess.  i can't predict anymore, and that's why i'm glad i don't have to be anywhere on a regular basis anymore.  but, i don't feel so scared right now, feel safer.  just going thru part of this recovery/healing process.  it can be bumpy sometimes.

thanks to you all for the love, caring, and kindness you've shown me, and all the support.  such wonderful support.  even my hub was able to step up and gather me in when i was so distressed about this the other day.  i don't know that a therapist could have done any better.  moving forward!

you go, candid!!!   well done!

radical, i think all those times your t would tell you that you were out of reality were probably the times you were most in touch with it.  i'm glad you have some positives that you've been able to take with you, and i'm equally as glad you were able to get out.

we may sometimes stay at the party too long, but i think there's always something to be learned from that as well.  i think you did a really good job of finding yourself in the midst of the denial that was being pushed upon you.  very strong, very capable.  very radical.  big hug.

so sweet of you, downsideup, your comments.  thanks.

my being perfect was a belief i was programmed into reaching for and believing about myself before i was 2.  even when i finally  got straight a's at 10, when i thought there'd be fireworks or something cuz i finally made that perfect report card, and it was barely acknowledged, i just knew that i had to keep trying harder to get some kind of recognition from my folks, which meant i couldn't let up on striving for perfection.

so i drove myself, but cracked wide open when i was 14, my best friend had moved away, i entered a new jr. high where i didn't know anyone at all, and experienced the most profound loneliness because i had no personality, just hit the books hard all the time and the loneliness finally crashed down on me, and i began sobbing in front of my parents (very messy, and not perfect at all) telling them how i felt, and neither reached out to comfort me in my terrible distress, and all my dad said was 'are you mental?  do you need to see a shrink?'. 

that shut me up and shut me down at the same time.  i knew i was on my own, had to do something to fix my dilemma so i'd never feel lonely again, constructed a new personality, and the only emotion that i couldn't control was my sadness.  all my other emotions - it was like they were corked up, not to be let out, and the alexithymia set in and i did my best to be perfect from that time on.

even my inner critic was silenced.  i knew logically that i couldn't be perfect, didn't want to be (is how i excused it) because perfection was boring.  so, if i had a run in my nylon or something, i'd just tell myself that it was a flaw that kept me from being boring, and that developed into the belief that i was perfectly flawed.  my inner critic turned into an inner excuse maker.

along with my new personality came expectations of praise, a feeling of knowing that i did well, was a great friend, a great girlfriend, a great daughter.  while i didn't get it from home, i did get praise from friends for being so wonderful, and from teachers for being such a good student, etc.  so i continued doing whatever i needed to do to get that praise that i was missing from my parents.  a bottomless pit of wanting praise, pos. recognition until i came to a point where i felt no joy in any of it, just expected it and felt no humility and really no humanity.  i'd worked hard to get it and knew i deserved it.  i just wanted more. 

and so it went.  i felt nothing at people telling me all this good stuff about myself - i expected it of myself.  i'd learned a long time ago that getting c's on my report card was unacceptable, which meant, to me, that just being ok, or being normal was not acceptable.  so, i became above the norm in every area i believed was important, which meant i believed i was perfect, and if a flaw showed up, it just meant i was perfectly flawed.

it also meant i couldn't relate to anyone else except my closest friends that brought something to the relationship that i could admire or look up to.  the rest of everyone i looked down on, some more than others.  both my first 2 hubs told me i was perfect so we all believed the same thing about me (i know now that misogynists will only choose the best and brightest women because it helps them become the envy of their friends, even tho they hate women and put them down every chance they get.  both of them were women haters).

i expected perfection from those nearest and dearest to me as well.  we were going to be the perfect couple or the perfect family.  everything was about perfection, and i was very strict about that - i modeled myself after mary poppins for a time with my daughters because she was 'practically perfect in every way' and jane and michael became perfect children as well.

it was all about reaching that non-existent goal that my parents set for me, esp. my dad, of the unrealistic expectations he held out for me to constantly fail to reach.   i lost my humanness because of it, and i've been working hard to get it back now, because it has nearly destroyed my body by not being able to recognize those emotions that weren't allowed, so they got stuffed into my very cells. 

yes, i do feel desperate about wanting to fix this cuz my fear is that i will die too soon if i don't.  when i just wrote that, i didn't know what it meant.  i've worked hard at relaxing, at resting - what oxymorons are those?  working hard to relax?  it makes no sense.  yet, i don't know another way to do this, to get something done.  i don't know how to just 'be', let alone how to just be me.  foreign language, foreign concept. 

some of this is working because more feelings are coming up.  like shame.  shame at not being perfect.  when kizzie asked for monitors for the forum, i didn't respond.  i told myself that i was too heartbroken that i couldn't make that commitment (my logical brain works overtime at finding reasons or spinning the truth, especially about emotions, cuz i can't usually recognize them) because of being too sick to say that yes, i would do that (which then entails the expectation to live up to my word, and some days i just can't do it), but yesterday i realized i was too ashamed not to be able to make that commitment, so i hid from it.  that's where shame resides - in the darkest hiding places.  well, i just brought it into the light now, so it can wither and die.

the fear of leaving the house is that there are too many days when i don't have the energy to put on a smile with people i know, and that's a sign of imperfection.  i'm afraid of being not perfect (feeling the fear is new in the last few months).  so, that fear is now brought out into the light, with its attending shame attached.  this i just realized by writing this.

figuring out who i am now, not being ashamed of being not perfect, wondering what that might look like is why i don't feel safe.  scared of the unknown.  i am the unknown.  will i crap my pants in public cuz i never can tell when my digestive pipes are going to explode?  i would collapse in tears on the spot, in my own *.  i've soiled sheets when sleeping at others' houses.  it's not that i'm incontinent, or i'd be in depends all the time.  this is random.  this is not a perfect flaw, either. 

will i let my true feelings about something or someone come out and startle others with them, with an unpopular opinion?  how do i tell someone that i don't want to see pics of their kids or grandkids, don't care what the rest of their house looks like because i'm visiting them, not their family or home.   i don't care about that stuff, and that makes me a weirdo of the nth degree.  i also immensely dislike the hypocritical and racist americans who live or visit here, and can't stand to be in their company.  i left my hub's christmas party early mainly cuz i couldn't take all the stimulation of talking and laughing around me (mostly in spanish where everyone was talking at the same time so i couldn't understand anything) but also because i can't stand his bosses, couldn't bear to be in the same room with them another minute cuz i couldn't trust myself not to say something nasty to them. 

i don't care about looking foolish or silly or laughing out loud, causing people to stare, aghast.  i figure if their lives are so boring, then maybe now they'll have something to talk about.   but i'm not conventional, and that goes against the grain of a lot of folks.   i don't want to hold babies, don't want to pet their dogs.  i don't have anything against them (i've had my own babies and pets) by i just don't want to be involved with those of others. 

i don't know how to be diplomatic in those circumstances, but doing that stuff feels like a waste of my time.  maybe it's part of my alexithymia, maybe it's cause i've never had a house as a showpiece, maybe it's cuz i don't like dogs jumping up on me or because i never asked anyone if they wanted to hold my babies.  i don't know, and i don't much care.  too much of society i just don't go along with, and here in a foreign country, the rules are different, the expectations are different, so if i avoid them as much as possible i won't be put into an uncomfortable situation where my distaste is written in bold letters all over my face.

so, i have a lot of personality stuff that is out of the ordinary, and i don't feel safe in myself not to just unleash something inappropriate.  that's scary, now that i think of it.  i can't stand his family, who lives next door, wanting to borrow something, so i do the hard thing and say no to them all the time, which is stressful, which i'm supposed to avoid.  i've had too many things that have walked off never to return. 

blecccch!  i just puked out a lot of stuff.  i guess i needed to puke.  what needs to happen with me will, no matter what i do or don't do. 

just saw your latest post, candid.  also very sweet of you to say those things.  i don't think self-pity is necessarily a bad thing, so when i said that i wasn't coming down on myself.  i've pitied myself various times over the years.  no one else ever did.