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well, you know it's always more than a 'few' slices of pizza and a cookie or two', but yeah, i guess the body wants what the body wants.   sometimes it's just difficult cuz i really do want these things to heal, and from all accounts it may take years, and the steroids don't agree with me so as far as i know i have to do this from a holistic point - but, i guess, respecting the brain's messages is also part of this.  it just gets so wearing!

thanks for the support - again! - wife2.  you are a dear friend, you know.  dang, if it isn't one thing, it's another.  whack a mole!

o my dear jd,

wrapping you up in a warm earth-mother embrace for all you have endured.  you - well, how horrible for you.  there's so much of your story i can relate to, especially the whole invalidation thing of your talents, skills, savvy, and basic intelligence.  why the frick couldn't they have been proud of us just once?  we worked so hard for that recognition, and they dropped that ball straight on top of our heads, confusing us, denying us, resulting in us spinning our mental and emotional wheels until we break.  yep, i can relate all too well.

it's very plain to me that you're a fighter, and that you will make it.  maybe not perfectly, maybe even pretty messy at times - been there, done that more often than i can count!  we will get through this with the support and friendship we're finding here.  moving forward - and best to you with your continuing challenges.  i know how that feels, too.  big hug!

hey, bluescruise,

i don't think you're being rude at all.  i do think you're putting up some self-care boundaries, and i know that whenever i've done that one of two things has happened - a pos., healthy person in my life accepts and respects them while a neg. person in my life somehow makes me feel bad about doing it.  it has never failed.

i think you did a wonderful thing for yourself.  hopefully, the victory will be eventually realized.  give it time.  these people have insidious ways of making us doubt ourselves whenever we do what we need to take care of ourselves.  i'll do a little victory dance for you - you join in when you feel ready!   

glad you're here, berceuse.

being patient about recovering is something i've had to work hard at over the years, so i can totally relate.  i was a doer, a fixer, if there's a problem, i did something about it as quickly as possible.  more than one, many times. 

these days, recovering from c-ptsd, i discovered it is a process, much more than i would ever have thought.  i've been in recovery for addictions, but it's never been like this.  this does take time, determination, and, above all, patience.  ups and downs, sometimes sideways.  one thing i've discovered, tho, is that as long as i keep moving, even if it's backwards at times, i'm making progress. 

i was also the perfect person, could logically figure out just the right way to be, what to say, how to do.  shedding that skin hasn't been easy for me, and i still find pieces of it clinging from time to time (ewww, that sounds gross, even to me!).  i also get that feeling that it seems too hard sometimes to deal with all this.  those are the times i just ask for strength to get me through this day.  so far that's worked - i'm still here today.

i think all these 'things' you're feeling and going thru are just part of the recovery process.  as we are transitioning from where we were to where we want to be, things can get crumbly and stumbly at times. 

i loved your statement about being your own mother.  kind of like being your own best friend as well.  we really do need to be our own whatevers in the best way possible, don't we?  that made total sense to me. 

hope to hear more from you.  you'll get there. 

i really don't understand my body and what's going on with it.  i've been working hard at eating paleo as much as possible, because that's been what's been recommended for adrenal fatigue, to help them recover.  ok, fine.  then came the stress of the past two weeks, culminating in that ordeal day to the doc, and i know stress is the one thing i'm sposed to be avoiding as much as possible because of the adrenal hormones that get used up.  ok, i get that.

so, along with a bunch of vitamins, the occasional 1/2 xanax when i'm tensed and need to calm down (too much stress flowing thru my veins, and breathing, etc., isn't helping), my naps, and snoozes when i get tired, i'm doing what i can to stay mostly on track, or at least the best i'm able.  i go out as little as possible cuz of the energy used just in being friendly (which isn't fake, but it still takes energy, along with driving, etc.), don't overly exercise (maybe 15 min/day just walking around my house), one or two chores if i have the energy for them - all this stuff is very mindful, even if it isn't much of a life. 

i love coming here, use up some of my energy here out of love, am still writing novels, maybe a page at a time when i have the energy, watch my tennis.  everything very low key, watch how much of my energy i'm using up all the time.  very aware.  then, my hub came home from his trip, got sick, lots of coughing, and i'm wearing my little face mask in the house and to bed, cuz getting sick for me is immediate bronchitis.  and yesterday, in spite of everything, i began feeling miserable.

thought for sure i had gotten what he got, and it was only a matter of time before it would go to my lungs.  already had the sore throat, felt warm, felt awful all over.  he was ready to take me to the e.r., get me antibiotics, but i said to wait a day.  took an ibuprofen, felt a little better.

and went off my diet by eating a piece of bakery.  i've really cut down on my sugar intake (except when i go visiting in the states!) and often my digestive system goes haywire the next day when i indulge.  don't know if that will happen today, but i do know that for some reason i feel better, not so sick-y.  maybe it was all the stress that finally caught up to me, my brain needed an extra boost of sugar, i don't know.

this has happened before when i've felt like this, gotten my stress sickness.  often, i'll get pizza and ice cream and within the hour i feel better.  it's something i can't explain, and don't know all the time when this is real sickness and when it's stress sickness.  it messes with my head - on one hand i kind of beat myself up for maybe hurting myself by what i ate, but on the other hand it makes me feel better physically, which makes me feel better mentally and emotionally as well.  i wish i knew what was going on with this, but it's happened like this for many, many years.  too weird.

yeah, i hear you, blayzze.  been there, done that.  it's part of the cycle, and i don't doubt that you'll eventually cycle out of this phase and into a more positive one.  that's the only thing that's gotten me thru some of these tough times is knowing this, too, shall pass.

learning and realizing where this all started can be rough mentally and emotionally.  i can see now where what happened in my childhood set me up for all the abusive relationships i went into and stayed too long with.  take your time, go at your own pace.  this is your recovery.  work at it as it feels best for you.

keep taking care of yourself as best you can.  you'll get there.  big hug.

glad you're here, time to shine.  the good news is that we can heal from this - it just takes some time, and is a process with some twists and turns along the way.  the other good news is that you're not alone - there are very caring, kind, and supportive people here who want to see you feel better. 

you found us, we're here for you. 

in spite of everything, i think you did really well, hope.  i can get pretty tongue-tied myself when stuff like that happens.  i'm sure that my discomfort can be felt all around the room.

can you put a plan in place for yourself if something like that happens again when you're with them?  some generic answer, something vague like 'i'm working on some stuff now, so i'm not in a place to talk about it yet', something like that?  i don't know if that will work for you, but i've done it a few times, and it helped.  i've also used the 'i'll have to think on that and get back to you' kind of answer. 

at any rate, i don't like it either, getting blindsided.  sorry you had to go through that.   sucks.  i don't blame you for being upset for a bit - it takes some time to get de-rattled!     

good for you, hurtbeat!  you're right about cultivating patience with this.  it's hard work for our brains to re-wire themselves, and they need some rest in order to keep moving forward with it.   

i love the re-definition for yourself - i think it puts the whole thing in a much more positive light for ourselves.  it really isn't us, just like any illness doesn't define us.  it's simply a part of what we have to deal with in our lives.

sounds like you're moving forward, finding yourself.  yay!  big hug!

bssr, my heart is with you during this time of torture.  i've been there - it's so raw, so open.  i hate that dismissal thing these docs do - it always makes me feel like i knew nothing about me, when i know that i'm my best person to know what's going on inside.  grrrr!  to all those un-empathetic professionals who wave us away with the flick of their hand like we're just a pesky fly.  pffffft!

yes, you're right - this, too, shall pass.  hang tough till it does.  i hope those extra meds kick in extra fast for you.  big hug!

welcome, blayzze, so glad you made it here.

i've found this forum and the people here not only understanding, but kind, caring, and extremely supportive.  i hope you find the same.  keep lurking as long as you want, post and share when you feel ready.

i've been through that exhausted state you speak of-  (also narc ex and daughter, both of whom i've eliminated from my life).   lots of rest and lots of info and support assuring me that i wasn't crazy, or lazy, that this is all part of the beast i call c-ptsd, has helped me tremendously.   wishing you time for you, gentle cradling and soothing of your wounded self, and eventually, the strength and energy to move forward.  with you all the way. 

good for you, meursault, for giving it a shot.  warrior spirit! 

it's too bad you have to cut your wilderness trip short - i can tell you love doing that.  all hoping that it's worth it.  keep taking care of you.  sending peace your way.   big hug!

amen!

hey, i had to look it up, too, when someone suggested i might be suffering from it.  i took an online test, scored high in every category.  have been working ever since to get my emotions back and have been making progress.  i was able to feel 'happiness' for the first time just recently.  it felt good.  i want more!

i haven't been able to work for over 15 yrs.  because of being too sick.  i did work with a few clients after i came here to mexico, but now i can't even do that - too stressful.  so, i'm basically in survival mode most of the time, working on keeping my body functioning.  after all the years of trauma, several physical systems have already stopped working the way they're supposed to, like my immune system, digestive system, my lungs, and my adrenal glands (adrenal fatigue). 

i'm doing the best i can with what i've got here.  i thank you, downside, and all the others here for helping me keep going with all this.   it's not much of a life, especially compared to what it used to be.  but it's the one i have now and i make the most of it.  love and hugs to you and everyone here.

i'm so happy for you and your family.  here's to everything working out the way you all need it to.  best to you all.