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wife2's porch and the surrounding area, with the fire and ocean is coming in really handy.  i love picturing all of us hanging out there.  it's comforting and soothing to me, smoothing the rough edges.

i agree with blueberry about not beating yourself up for doing what you need to do right now to get through this.  i've done that myself, and found that it eases everything more quickly.  we can do whatever we want, whatever feels best for us with no outside criticism.  or inner criticism, for that matter. 

we'll stay with you, candid.  big hug!

 dearest candid, is this the right place for you?  i get what you mean when you said you got there w/ your uni briefcase but were being praised like a kindergartner.  is that really a fall, tho? 

working with the mentally ill is not for everyone, that's for sure.  maybe it's just not your scene.  are you going to give it another shot, see if anything washes out differently for you?  if nothing else, i don't personally see it as a fall, but as a learning opportunity.   would it help to speak with the co-ordinator about what this type of training is supposed to produce for you? 

i know i've got nothing but questions here.   i wish it could've been more productive to you, that you could've gotten that sense of camaraderie and belonging in the group.  just my perspective, but if it were me, i think i'd go back one more time, see what happens, what the expectations are.  maybe it's actually counter-productive to your needs.  i don't know.

i do so wish you can get that trauma counseling you want and need asap, candid.  my heart is with you on this.  soon, please, soon, help my sister!  i'm sending that message out to the universe.  big hug!

o, honey, how horrible.  i don't have words to convey my feelings toward you and what happened.  all i can say is that my heart is with you, and you're not alone in dealing with this.  big hug.

blueberry, i had a situation with my mom that, when i told it to a friend, she labeled it as sexual abuse.  now, it doesn't go along with what 3roses defined it as, i don't think, but my friend was adamant.  it was the first time i'd ever thought of it that way.

my mom also loved butts for caressing and spanking.  i also had to endure enemas given by my mom and dad together whenever i missed a day of a bowel movement.  this stopped around 9, but i remember it.  it was very embarrassing, but i thought they were doing this for my own good and just went along with it.

the one thing she did that i felt really  uncomfortable with was that even as a senior in high school, she'd wake me up by rubbing my butt.  i didn't like it, but didn't say anything mainly because it seemed like it was something she enjoyed doing, and i didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her i didn't like it.  when i told this to my friend, she said that the mere fact that i felt i couldn't speak up about it was abusive.

i talked to my bro about it, he said she did the same thing to him, including rubbing his back and shoulders, and he had no neg. feelings about it.  so, is there a minimum to what is csa?  this all seems pretty petty to me, yet i've now had 2 friends who've been horrified about these incidents (the other was aghast about the enemas).    it's confusing at best. 

i don't think she enjoyed it in a sexual way, but rather as a mom-gesture.  still, outside opinions make me think.  by the by, blueberry, i totally believe you and feel for you - as you can see, it triggered memories of my own that i still question.  big hug!

sounds like you're making some major progress with this, dear blueberry.  being able to turn that hatred outward is so positive.  by the by, and i don't doubt you've heard this before, you have nothing to be ashamed about.  it was done to you, not by you, no matter what the circumstances or your thought processes at the time.  it's not on you, sweetie, not one bit.

keep going - you're really doing great.  that body awareness is pretty cool.  i hope you keep it up.  you truly do have backbone and a strong spine on many levels - tackling this stuff is an indication of that.  big hug.

having a bad day myself, candid, sweet sister of my heart.  i'm right next to you.  it just sucks!  but i've got enough for a hug, so here it is       

dee, i went thru something similar when i found out that my daughter's father was lusting after her, making lewd references to her body parts in front of her sister (that's who i found out from).  as hard as it was, i decided that it was something she deserved to know because i wanted to protect her on every level i could think of.

i was visiting her, and decided to tell her at the beginning of my visit (i was only staying a week) so that she'd have time to process this news with me there if she wanted to.  i also gave her suggestions as to how to dress when she was around him, and that if she got any 'icky' feelings from him that she could leave that space they were in.  (i said space instead of room, cuz this happened with him and my other daughter at the grocery store once).

it's not exactly the same situation as yours, but it's similar in that it's painful, dreadful information to impart to your kids.   i agree that the truth is the best.  this stuff smoulders in the dark.  plus, i think it best that it come from you then that they inadvertently see it on the internet or hear it from another family member.

i don't regret my decision.  my daughters have both taken precautions in how they dress when around him now (they've both chosen to keep him in their lives), they're both aware that he has a sexual addiction, and some of the stuff that's gone along with it.  with the truth and my support, i believe they're both more cautious now.

you are a great mom, dee, and your courage and strength will help them through this.  it's nasty work that we have to deal with, and it's just horrid when it touches our kids in such a neg. manner.  i think your kids will appreciate hearing it from you.  as you said, they'll have some time to process it, ask questions, and assuage their curiosity and/or confusion if they've had any of that floating around before this.   we're standing right beside you, dee, with lots of love and support.

songbird, it sounds to me like this will work itself out given time.  if you're moving at the end of the year, it may take care of some of these dilemmas for you. 

i learned once that confusion is a growth indicator.  it means that you are questioning where you've been (or who you've been with) but aren't quite where you want to be.  it's a transition thing, and transitions are usually messy and disorganized. 

as you change, as you grow healthier in your expectations of the people around you, your relationships will naturally change.  time and patience are what's needed when we're confused.  i think this will get figured out for you.  best to you with it all.  big hug.

o, dee, i'm so glad you're being believed!  that really is great news!  hard to adjust to, maybe, but great all the same.

yeah, the internet.  there is no privacy left.  that is now the world we live in.  i hope your kids don't find out if you don't want them to, but what if they do?  do you know what you might say if they ask questions?  that might help put you at ease a bit if you have a plan in place.  otherwise, what will be will be, and we can't do anything about that anymore.  sucks!

big hug to you with all this.  i'm just glad you weren't scapegoated again.  living with those lies is a burden too big to hold - they burrow into your very marrow and make you miserable from the inside out.  i just hate this crapola.  i wish i could tell you something soothing or useful.  just want to let you know i'm by your side. 

you go, girl!  when you're ready, of course! 

o candid, it's been so long since i've weighed in here, but i've got to admit, i'm so proud of you and what you're planning, what you're doing, what you're realizing.  quite impressive, sister! 

i've found that helping people also helps me.  often i learn something that had been just out of reach because i get to hear it through their reactions, words, and responses.  i think you'll do great at this.  you've shown so much caring and wisdom on this forum, it could only translate to real life in the most beneficial of ways.

good luck with your interview or audition or whatever it is.  i sincerely hope it goes just the way you want.  yay, you!!!   love and a big hug!

yeah, could very well be!  i wouldn't be a bit surprised.  i hope you can take it easy on yourself, rest.  good for you for talking to your cousin.  i can't imagine how energy-draining that might have been.  big hug, 3 roses.

hey, songbird,

i've been in the place you're talking about, using my feeling ill as an excuse.  it felt so good to be taken care of by my hub - he would always run errands for me, excuse me from doing even the smallest chores around the house, and i didn't have to go out to face anyone and be stupified by their expectations for me to be 'ok'.

i stayed that way for quite a while.  one day, tho, (this was pretty early in my marriage) it struck me that it wasn't really fair to my hub to keep having him do all this stuff for me, or to let me slide on cleaning or bathing or anything i didn't want to do.  that day, and i thank the powers that be for this, i decided i was going to get better no matter what it took.

that was about 11 yrs. ago.  he's told me that he thought i was going to die at the time, that he was going to lose me.  i was losing myself, so i can see how he'd think that.  at any rate, that's really when my second round of recovery started (the first round was getting away from my daughter, moving to mexico). 

i'm not saying what will work for you or anyone else.  i do know that those meltdowns are exhausting.  i stayed like a veggie for a few years, just being sick and down and depressed.  sleep problems were a given (i'm still not very good with that to this day).  i do believe that when you are ready, you'll do something different.  you really may not have the strength or energy right now.

however, you are questioning your state of being, and i see that as a step to moving out of where you are right now.  i don't know when the actual moving might begin, but i think you've made a start, even if you can't see it.  this stuff does take time, and that time-frame is different for everyone.  i have faith in you, songbirdrosa.  you'll do what you need to do when you're ready. 

until then, congrats on leaving the knife in the drawer.  that, too, is a step.  battling this beast of c-ptsd is no easy task, but dang it, we're survivors, so much stronger than we even believe of ourselves.  i'm writing this as much for myself as for you right now, cuz i'm balancing about 2 dozen plates of ugh at once, and these words are reminders for me, too.  we'll do it, get out from under.  in our own time.    big hug to you.

[am]

3 roses, that was adorable, made me smile.  we're all together in this, for sure, enjoying the ocean moment, like contessa mentioned.  thanks to both of you.

i can't wait to get the medical stuff going.  my poor body is so sick and hurting.  it's hard to concentrate on anything else, like recovery, when my physical being is acting up, acting out all over the place.  hmmm  . . .  acting out.  maybe that's my anger, like a rebellious teen, acting out.  geez, i don't even know anymore.  i think it's time to pound the bed and yell to myself.  otherwise i'm afraid i'll break open like a pinata.

i also haven't had time to think about the foods/spices i used to eat regularly, haven't had them since i got here, and that may be part of this as well.  sun. will be grocery day, and i'm stocking up on all that good stuff i left behind.  this makes me think that eating them on a regular basis might actually have been doing me some good.  i haven't had these joint pains before - inflammation building up?  could be.

strange to me to think something like food/seeds/spices could make such a difference.  well, not so much the food, but the others.  ok, i'll put this under the 'good realization' column.  of course, all the stress i've been under could have caused flare-ups as well.  ugh!  small, good steps, huh contessa?  ok, gotcha.  in the back of my mind is the fear that my landlady will kick me out cuz i'm too sick.  it's tickling my brain, and i know that isn't good for me.  i had to write it out, again, tho.  it's a lot of pressure.

i'm so mad at my hub for not following thru on what he'd say, and for going behind my back and getting himself into all kinds of debt cuz he knew that i'd tell him i didn't think it was a good idea.  so mad and so sad that i had to leave.  i would've been hearing all the time about how he didn't have any money - even more than before, and it had become nearly a daily thing before this happened.

all the 'i'm gonna do this' and 'i'm gonna do that' and never a follow-through.  dammit!!!!!!!  all the money i gave him or that he took and promised to pay me back and it never happened.  i am a stupid gringa.  3 husbands have now forced me out.  3 strikes and i'm out of the husband business.  certainly don't want another one. 

just did some quiet pounding, but it felt good to get some of it out.  there's more, i'm sure.  this is one of those small, good steps.  there will be more. 

thank you all for being with me.  love and hugs!

having just moved out of my relationship, my home, and my adopted country, i can truly relate to being all over the place at once.  it's just so much in such a short time.  but, i'm convinced that time will help ease some of this.

i'm also looking forward to sun., when my daughter and i will go grocery shopping.  she's so very grounding for me.  until then, we'll hang together and let these 2 days pass.  sun. will be here soon, and, in the end, we're going to be ok.  just hang on with me.  hugs.