Messages

warrior spirit to the fore, meursault!  i'm really glad you were there.

that's the spirit, jd!  sometimes we need to delegate work as we're going through this.  no shame in that.  i love your idea!

gk, it sounds like you answered your own question when you said that you think you may need to be farther along in your own recovery before you ask the hard questions.  i think one of the most difficult things for us to do is to have patience - patience with ourselves, patience with the process of recovery, and patience with ourselves in the midst of that process.

if he said he's not ready for a relationship, my thought is that he would know that better than anyone.   i'd respect that, but that's just my opinion.  it may be a good idea, then, to take the focus off him and put it back on yourself for a bit.  sometimes we allow others to distract us from what we need to be doing for us.  we need to be 'relationship ready' as well, and the only way to do that is to continue exploring our own issues, and let him/others explore their own.  then, if the time is right and it's meant to be, it'll happen.

keep taking care of you.  i know this will work out the way it's supposed to. 

hey, ciel,

welcome - glad you're here!

i'm one of the older people on this forum (69) and just learned about c-ptsd and me within the last couple of years.  it has wreaked havoc with my life and emotions, to be sure.  as i've continued in recovery with a lot of help from the caring, kind people on this forum, i've been able to distance myself from re-living the past and moving forward in the present while looking toward a brighter future.

look around at your leisure, post when you feel ready, respond if something strikes you.  it sounds like you've already made some good progress.  it's your recovery, do what feels best for you at your pace.  things will get better.  happy to meet you.

i've involved my husband from the very beginning of my mental illness issues - depression, specifically, about 15 yrs. ago - but he had a real hard time 'getting' it.  he's from a different culture, and he absolutely either couldn't understand or thought i was faking it to get attention from him.  as the years went on, we went to the shrink together who explained more to him.  that's when he first accepted that this was a real thing.

then, just a few years ago, i learned about narc abuse and c-ptsd, and started telling him about what was going on while i was still involved w/ my narc daughter and ex.   he came from the school of hard knocks - don't go back there, leave it alone, don't keep bringing it up, don't be so sensitive, etc. ad nauseum.  i began searching the internet for info, printed out stuff for him to read or to show him that it wasn;t just me saying this stuff.  had a therapist for a bit, she told him that with these kinds of things we have to go backward first before we can move forward.

we've had lots of conversations, and he still doesn't understand all of it and will even add things like 'well, i had a similar experience with depression' (not even close).  but he's gotten better at being with me as the years have gone on, so, in the balance, i'm still with him.  i think it's something every couple has to find their way through as best they can.  it can be helpful when he knows to be supportive, and o so frustrating when he doesn't.  bit by bit, step by step, it's sure better than it was. 

blueberry, i echo 3roses' thoughts.  this is the most accepting place i've ever known, and that includes many and varying types of support groups i've belonged to in real life.  very caring and generous people.  i hope you find that out for you, too.

so stressed out today, didn't even want to come here as it's gotten worse as the day has gone on.  i think i overdid some stretching and writing the past few days when i was feeling better, and i just feel sicky now, which is how stress hits me.  wanted to write it down for some reason.  maybe hoping to put some of it here where it'll stop hurting me so much.  ugh, i hate this crapola!

i'm glad i wrote.  one thing that's also gotten under my skin today is that it rained all day, the kind of rain we used to have where i come from in the midwest, but here in the desert it's nearly unheard of!  it's just knocked me off my rocker!  all i wanted to do was sleep thru it, but kept getting interrupted, so now i just feel lousy.  terrible tightness in my diaphragm region.  don't know what that's about.  did some breathing, but it didn't help.  it might have reminded me of climate change, what's happening with our planet on some subconscious level, and i feel completely out of control.

ok, that's the feeling.  this rain is an example of how out of my control all that's going on around the earth is, how restless the people are, all the anger out there, the hate, the demonstrations, the frustrations - that feels about right.  i can't fix this, i'm feeling hopeless right now, have no faith that it's all going to turn out ok.  my diaphragm is the muscle used to control my breathing.  maybe that's why it's so tight. 

i'd love to go to disneyland with my daughter next week, just to get away from the madness for a few hours.  i don't know that we'll make it - we might both be too exhausted.  i love disneyland - it truly is the happiest place on earth.  and the cleanest!  dang, i've never seen a public area as clean as that place.  unless it's changed - it's been quite awhile since i've been there.  still, just to be in that world of fantasy and fun would be so lovely.  i'm hatin' it here right now. 

and someone's car alarm has been going off for about 4 hrs. now.  for a small town, this is one of the noisiest places i've ever been.  the difference between visiting here and living here.    people yell at each other all the time, kids scream, music is 3 million decibels that can be heard from one end of town to the other no matter what time, big bass boomers driving by.  off road vehicles zooming up and down the streets - half the streets aren't paved, so they're all fair game, i guess, with little kids who don't know about being on the road driving them.  ugh!    ooooh, i let the gritch out, but some of the tightness eased up.  i guess this was a good idea after all.

and i can't and don't trust anyone here, and that may be the first time i've allowed that up and out.  the thought that i couldn't stay here on my own without my hub running interference for me ticks me off and saddens me.  i hate the thought that i couldn't take care of myself here - i'd never know when i'd be taken advantage of.  i completely depend on him to remain here.  i hate that.  god, give me strength.

i looked it up, and, yes, several places mentioned both ptsd and sleep problems.  i'm gonna see what kinds of videos are around, give it a whirl.  thanks, glowcloud.  it looks good!

fen, once again it struck me that she was trying to edit your personal writing by telling you to 'keep it pos.'  i'm glad you kept it real instead.  i applaud you for sending that email.   just my opinion, but you don't have to open anything that she might send back.  she doesn't sound very positive, herself - kind of ironic - and i'd hate for you to get 'blammed' even in an email.  of course, i know you'll do what you think best, and i support whatever decision you make.  very brave, fen.

o, yeah, he'd be lucky to have you.  i hope it continues to work well, and the two of you can build a caring relationship.  best to you with this! 

how horrible, gentian.  that really sucks.  i'm so glad you're out of that now.  i hope you can be kind to yourself, and that you now have kindness surrounding you.  you so deserve it.

wow!  what a powerful experience.  i'm gonna look this up, see if i can use it for myself.  it may help me put some of those missing pieces back in place.  well done, glowcloud.  so very cool!

you're right, dee, it is hard work to get better.  and, like with any hard work, be it mental, physical, or emotional, we're going to be tired from doing it.   i spend  a lot of my time feeling tired, but i have faith that it will lessen as i'm able to put the hardest of the work behind me.  we just need to keep moving, and the rest will come.   that's my belief.

my husband has done that several times, even when i've screamed at him to leave.  each time has amazed me, and we're still working on it.  we've been married 15 yrs. now, and with each new development that i discovered about my emotional workings, he didn't run.

the first time i realized that i was actually with someone who wanted to be with me on an intimate (emotional) level, i kind of freaked.  he was in a recovery center, was on a kind of work-release program, but would go back to the center at night.  so, this one night (i had only moved here about 2 months before) i went to the beach, parked my car, smoked a bunch of cigarettes, and contemplated this situation.  i was so scared! 

i was on the verge of getting exactly what i wanted, and it scared me so that i was ready to run.  i made myself think about this and it turned into a paradox of sorts.  i had run away from home to here because of the narcs in my life, had enough money to stay here on my own for about 6 months.  i was burned out and exhausted and very sick.  i never wanted to go back - this was my dream place to live, had been my dream for 30 yrs. to live here.

as i thought about what this man was offering me, and what waited for me if i went back, i knew somewhere deep inside that i couldn't stay here if it was just a way to run from what was.  i had to believe that i could go back, get another job, place to live, etc., before i could believe that it was all right for me to stay. 

it took me several hours, half a pack of cigs, and some dirt-honest contemplation before it all came together.   yes, i could go back and make a life for myself if i needed to.  so, yes, i could stay here and take what this man was offering me. 

that's my experience with someone who didn't leave, who was offering me exactly what i'd been looking for.  i can't tell you how to react - that's personal.  you'll find it within yourself if you give yourself a little bit of space and time, i believe.  and, i don't think there's a 'should' reaction involved.   it's just your reaction and response, like mine was mine.  be patient with yourself - the answer will come to you.

best to you with this, gkmoneer.   it is a weird thing when we get exactly what we want.   i will say to be a little cautious, tho.  you're just getting to know him.  it's early yet.  go slow. 

kudos to you, glowcloud!  you done good!

i've done these kinds of things so often in my life, finding out down the road how something could've been resolved with just a few words in a few minutes.  i have found that each time i re-learned that lesson, somehow i would get closer to doing it the next time it happened.  it's taken time, and i'm still not always spot on with it, but it's getting better.

you're in the middle of the process of learning how to do something different.  it will come at its own pace, i have no doubt.  big hug!