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Messages - sanmagic7

#8371
i have just come off a 3-month emotional crisis that was triggered by the anniversary of a highly abusive situation (perpetrated by both my daughter and my ex - her dad) which ended with me cutting contact with both of them.  hers was very straight up - don't contact me until you want to have a respectful, caring, adult relationship with me.  his was a bit more wishy-washy.  i responded to an email of his last oct., but never really told him i wanted no contact.  now, i have blocked his emails, and feel compelled to tell him this (courtesy), but i also want to tell him that he owes me apologies for what went on during our 30 yr. relationship, and listed what i want apologies for.  he's been very good at 'apologizing' in the past, but they always took the form of 'i'm sorry you feel like that'  when i would tell him that an action of his hurt me, etc.  in this current email, i told him that i deserve apologies that show that he owns his behaviors, admits they were wrong, and is able to give me a heartfelt apology for each.  i don't expect anything will come of it, but it felt good to write it down.  my question is:  is this just another way of staying connected?   is this a therapeutic cleansing for me regardless of what he does with it? (i will be talking to my therapist about this as well, but i thought maybe someone had gone thru something similar) is this just part of the obsessive c-ptsd dynamic?  (my therapist doesn't know much about c-ptsd, but in this small town, she's all that's available).  since this latest crisis has passed, i feel stronger and wanting to take back control of my life.  i don't know if writing this to him is me finally being able to tell him like it is (which i've never been able to do before) and putting the crap that has been inside me back where it belongs, or if it is just one more manifestation of negative  c-ptsd behavior.  any and all opinions welcome.  i'm working really hard on getting and digesting feedback instead of just pressing the 'send' button.  it's like i want him to know that i finally know what he's done, and that i deserve amends.   color me confused.
#8372
it's a process, isn't it, to figure out what's best for our own selves, especially in the beginning.  it sounds like you've come to some self-loving conclusions on what to do.  happily, as we progress, as we stay out of our own way, the entire process becomes easier.  we see what's happening more quickly, we know more surely how to respond, and we remember to take care of ourselves first and foremost.  your physical messages re: what would be stressful to do, what would be more beneficial for you to do sound loud and clear, and the fact that you're listening to them speaks volumes about your progress with this matter.  keep taking care of yourself.
#8373
for one thing, i appreciate your dilemma.  for another,  i can see you want it two ways - to get a message through to your sister (as in, having her hear you), but also wanting her to change (not wanting her to get in between you and your dad).  unfortunately, i don't see either of those happening.  jade is gobbledygook to npd's.  it just doesn't make sense to them.  and, all it does, like you noted, is gives them ammo toward you.  if you decide to respond, it may be in your best interest to kiss - keep it simple, sweetie - , and the simpler the better.  nothing personal - that's all ammo.  as far as not wanting her to insinuate herself between you and dad, well, that is just what npd's do.  they gather an army around them against us.  and, we can't stop that.  i know that from experience.  you may want to question yourself about whether you really are teetering on the edge of the fence because you don't really feel ready to let go yet.  nothing wrong with that, it's just not time yet, for you right now.  i do believe that whatever it is we do is the right thing for us to do at that particular moment.  breaking these bonds is very difficult.  give yourself a break.  take a break from it.  maybe you'll want to talk to your therapist before you take any action.  you have so many options with this.  so many ways to look at it.  it can definitely be confusing.   one question i've come to ask myself frequently before doing or saying something is 'how will this benefit my life?'  it's opened my eyes more times than i can say.  best to you with this. 
#8374
i'm discovering the old adage of 'it's going to get worse before it gets better'.  right now i'm feeling pretty fragile - it seems that everything has blown up in my face in the past month, and i've begun both physical and emotional therapy to address the issues that are trying to make me insane.  happily, i've found a therapist who is so very caring and validating, and a massage therapist who hits those pressure points on the nose!  both, however, are very painful and stressful experiences, physically and emotionally.  but, i somehow knew this going into it, and am repeatedly putting myself through the stress because somewhere deep inside i sensed that all the pain i've been holding onto, both physically and mentally/emotionally, will take some hardcore work to release.  i am understanding that i have been poisoned in body and spirit, and every release of some old feeling, some old wounding, will put up a fight to stay where it's been comfortable for so many years.  i have had to guide my massage therapist as to where to work, as well as when to stop because the pain is just too much.  but, i know that my tears are filled with toxins that need to get out of me.  it's not a pretty process, nor is it smooth - my therapist told me i will feel worse before i feel better, but that eventually the 'better' will come.  i am trusting that, have faith in it.  c-ptsd is cruel in the sense that we hurt while we're in its throes, as well as when we're getting out of its clutches.  come what may, we will triumph!  i've been a therapist for 30 years and never knew about c-ptsd - it was never taught, never spoken about, never recognized professionally.  i only wish i'd known about it sooner, both personally and professionally.  as it is, all i can do is slog through the muck for now.  slow going, but eventually . . .
#8375
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Discouraged...
February 17, 2016, 01:20:11 PM
coming out of denial is never easy, and c-ptsd encourages denial because of the many layers that have been heaped upon us.  it can be a slow process with twists and turns that make us feel like we're back where we started, what's the use?  the fact that you're recognizing all this is you moving forward another big step.  eventually those backward steps will become smaller, less, and less often.  much credit to you for sticking with the painful job of recovery.  it'll get better. 
#8376
if it looks like hoovering, if it sounds like hoovering, if it feels like hoovering, it is hoovering.

that being said, if you indeed see no contact as the best way to deal with your sister, then any contact, no matter how short and sweet, is no longer no contact.   no contact is something to decide on, then stick to, or it only feeds the narcissist more attention, more narcissistic supply.  the npd NEEDS attention in order to feel his or her own existence.  as long as you give the npd any attention, you are giving him/her what s/he wants and needs.  do you want to continue enabling your sister to have this abusive relationship with you?  it's up to you.  she won't change, and anything you give her will be used against you.  but, you already know this.  so, if you want to make it final, that you don't want to hear from her anymore, that's up to you.  a simple 'i don't want to hear from you anymore' will do.  explanations will make no difference.  if you want to leave things as they are but continue in no contact, then you don't have to respond to her.  that message is a bunch of gobbledygook - to try to make sense of the senseless is futility.  i've had to cut my daughter off, it's been a year, and it's been very difficult.  last month was the one-year anniversary, and it sent me into a tizzy from which i'm still working my way out of.  but, when i told her i didn't want to hear from her anymore, i meant it.  she continued to send me emails, so i blocked her.  i don't go to her facebook page - why would i want to re-stress myself in that way?  and, i think that's a large part of the question.  it's been a major change to begin living without the drama, without the bad feelings about myself, without the worry, without the 'trying to please', without puttng so much of my energy in her direction.  but, the farther away i get from what had been, the relationship i had with her, the more i am able to do other, better things for myself.  i now have more energy for me and the relationships that are healthy and strong and caring and supportive.  and, i wish that type of strength and energy for you as well.  there are ups and downs, of course, but everything is clearer now, and for that i'm grateful, and glad i'm staying away.  trust your gut.  it always knows what's best for you.